WHAT WOULD ESTHER WILLIAMS DO IN A SITUATION LIKE THIS ?

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ACT ONE

Scene 1

At rise:

(The LIGHTS COME UP on the clam bar. A big, metal outdoor sign reading "SPARK'S CLAM BAR" hangs above the interior. DORIS SPARKS storms through the screen door. SHE is around thirty, does everything she can to look attractive but is still on the plain side. SHE wears a bathing suit and cap and carries a burlap bag. SHE is wet, has seaweed hanging off her and band aids around every fingernail. DORIS throws the bag down and starts pacing back and forth, occasionally glancing at the door. We hear applause OFF STAGE. MURIEL SPARKS backs in bowing. SHE is a large, overweight woman of fifty. SHE wears gobs of makeup, a bright red BETTY GRABLE type dress, a platinum blonde wig and tap shoes.)

MURIEL

(sings out)

See you tomorrow!

(SHE tap dances to CENTER STAGE and adjusts her wig.)

Doris, they loved me!

(DORIS is about to explode.)

DORIS

Don't you dare go out there tomorrow.

Don't you ever tap dance on the pier again while I'm digging for clams!

MURIEL

Why not? An actress needs an audience. Did you see the crowd I drew?

DORIS

(Through her teeth)

Yes, mother. . . . I want to thank you for bringing every sleazy old fisherman,

clammer and worm salesman down to our dock to gawk at me!

MURIEL

Don't be so dramatic. The Fowler brothers whistled at you a couple of times.

DORIS

The whole pier cheered every time I bent over to dig up a clam!

MURIEL

(demonstrates)

They were cheering for my buck and wing.

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DORIS

No they weren't! Mother, look at me! I'm half naked!

I'm out there twice a day like this in water up to here-

(DORIS points to the top of her thighs

and demonstrates clamming motion in an exaggeratedly sexual way.)

-shimmying and bending over for hours and hours.

All month those revolting Fowler brothers have been devouring me with their eyes.

They won't take their boat out clamming in the morning until they've sat on the dock

for a good ten minutes making kissing sounds behind my back.

(MURIEL EXITS into living room. DORIS follows.

The room is simply furnished: couch, chair, coffee table and a floor radio.

There is a stairway that leads to a second level and a galley type door that leads to the clam bar.

A WELCOME HOME WALTER banner hangs across one wall.)

MURIEL

Sticks and stones will break my bones but kisses will never harm me.

DORIS

(very dramatic)

There's just so much a person can take. You don't realize what torture it is to work like a dog knowing you're not going to get enough clams to make a decent chowder.

MURIEL

(picks up mail)

It's only for a little longer. When Walter comes home we'll be lousy with clams.

DORIS

I don't care. I can't take another day of this. ...You know I heard the temperature's supposed to drop any minute. By tomorrow it'll probably be too cold for me to clam.

MURIEL

Sorry dearie the paper said it's gonna stay warm til the end of the week. ...

Thank God for Indian Summer.

DORIS

And thank me for doing all the work! ...I wish Pop and Daddy weren't so useless.

MURIEL

(looking through mail)

Stop whining.

DORIS

Why did I bother going to charm school?

Miss Fevey said I was the most conscientious pupil she ever had.

(SHE pulls some seaweed from her hair.)

If she could see me now she'd take back my diploma.

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MURIEL

(waves bill in front of DORIS)

Look, another final notice.

DORIS

Oh no. Is it from the baker?

MURIEL

Yes. We'll have to bake our own.

DORIS

We're out of bread! Napkins! Coasters! Lemons!

MUSIC CUE “ BOTTOM OF THE BOWL”

MURIEL

TODAY THE MILKMAN DIDN’T BRING HIS BOTTLES BACK.

DORIS

I PRAY WE HAVEN’T SEEN THE LAST OF

THAT FELLOW’S RACK

WE OWE THE BUTCHER FOR THE HAM

WE GAVE THE BANKER JUST TO STALL HIM

MURIEL

FROM FORCLOSING ON OUR MORTGAGE

LOOKY, HERE’S A LETTER FROM HIM!

(SHE rips open an envelope)

UH-OH.

DORIS

Great.

(MURIEL stares at the contents of the letter)

DORIS

THIS TIME LAST YEAR I WAS IN CHARM SCHOOL

AND NOW I’M HERE AND WIPING BAR STOOLS

THEY NEED ME HERE, AND WHERE WOULD I GO?

MURIEL

HE WANTS TO KNOW WHEN WE’LL COME UP WITH EIGHT-FIFTY!

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DORIS

NO MAN OF CLASS WOULD DREAM OF CARESSING

AN OLDER GIRL WHO’S ONLY WAITRESSING

THEY SMIRK, THEY STARE, AT ME THE OLD MAID...

MURIEL

PHOOEY MISTER GOLDBLATZ, WHO NEEDS YA?

STRIP OUR CLAM BAR LUNCHEONETTE BARE

TAKE THE CLAMS WE HAVE FOR THE CHOWDER

THERE ARE SIX OR SEVEN THERE!

(SHE puts the envelope back with the other mail)

OUR FINANCIAL SITUATION

BRINGS ACUTE DYSPEPSIA...

ALL THE CUSTOMERS COMPLAIN

THAT THEY SEARCH THEIR BOWLS IN VAIN

AND DON'T FIND CLAMS,

THEY WON'T.

ONLY AT THE BOTTOM OF THE BOWL...

DORIS

I WISH IT WAS EXAGGERATION

BUT OUR INCOME DOESN'T MEET THE OUT.

MURIEL

YES, THE BANKER HAS EXPRESSED

THAT HE'D LIKE TO REPOSSESS

MURIEL/DORIS

OUR HOME! HE WON'T POSTPONE

SCRAPIN' OUT THE BOTTOM OF THE BOWL!

MURIEL

BY DAY I COOK A THINNING CHOWDER

FOR MY GUESTS...

DORIS

BY NIGHT I TRY TO BALANCE BOOKS

THAT HAVEN'T BALANCED YET…

MURIEL DORIS

WE CAN'T AFFORD AN ADVERTISEMENT WE CAN'T AFFORD

IN THE STATEN ISLAND PAPER THE STATEN ISLAND PAPER...

SO I'LL TELL THE BAKER

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MURIEL (cont.) DORIS (cont.)

THAT I'LL HAVE TO PAY HIM LATER... BUT NOT TODAY!

BUT NOT TODAY!

(MURIEL rips open another envelope.)

MURIEL

Mother of pearl. The laundry too!

DORIS

What is it?! What is it?!

(MURIEL swats DORIS away.)

MURIEL

Calahan.

DORIS

Napkins and tablecloths.

MURIEL

WE'LL HAVE TO PAY HIM LATER!

(SHE puts the mail down.)

DORIS

DON'T TELL ME...

MURIEL

WHAT A VILLAIN.

DORIS

TELL ME...

MURIEL

NO MORE LINEN!

MURIEL/DORIS

SOON NO CHOWDER ON OUR MENU...

MURIEL

BATTER DIPPED OR IN CASINO

A CLAM IS SUCCULENT AND SWEET.

A LOBSTER MAYBE NOT

BUT WITH BUTTER, PIPING HOT

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MURIEL/DORIS

THEY SELL...THEY SELL SO WELL

IN A STEW OR SIMPLY IN A SHELL!

MURIEL

ALL YOU DEBTORS WE IMPLORE

DORIS

DON'T COME KNOCKIN' AT OUR DOOR

MURIEL/DORIS

WE'RE NOT THE ROCKEFELLERS

DORIS

AND THIS AIN'T AN ERMINE STOLE

MURIEL

OH NO...

MURIEL/DORIS

WE'RE STUCK IN, SHUCKIN'

CLAMS TO FILL THE BOTTOM OF THE BOWL.

(THEY hug each other.)

DORIS

I've got to go up and change. I have a date with an officer tonight.

(GORDON TIMBERLAKE, in his thirties and carrying a briefcase

knocks on the door but MURIEL and DORIS don’t hear him. GORDON cautiously enters.)

MURIEL

You have a date with an officer?

DORIS

You don't have to act so surprised

MURIEL

Doris sweety ...it's a fact of life. Some girls are born to date officers, while the others are born to date enlisted men. You're the second type.

DORIS

Why must you spoil everything for me, Mother? Miss Fevey says that I have all the requisite grace and charm to be an officer's wife.

(DORIS turns around quickly and bumps into GORDON.)

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GORDON

Good afternoon, ma'am. My name is Gordon Timberlake-

(THEY ignore him.)

MURIEL

Oh really. Well just where did you meet this officer?

DORIS

At the Sail Inn.

MURIEL

Was he drunk?

DORIS

He was happy! Okay, Mother?!

(DORIS bolts up the stairs as GORDON inches toward MURIEL.

SHE picks up a feather duster and lightly dusts the furniture.)

GORDON

Excuse me.

MURIEL

Didn't you see the sign on the door? Mo salesmen!

(MURIEL shoves him out. GORDON grabs hold of the doorknob.)

GORDON

I'm not just a salesman. I'm in real estate.

MURIEL

Scat!

MUSIC CUE “ MY NAME IS GORDON TIMBERLAKE ”

( as GORDON steps forward, pushing MURIEL aside.)

GORDON

(Quickly)

MY NAME IS GORDON TIMBERLAKE

MY SPECIALTY: SOPHISTICATED REAL ESTATE

AND UNDER-RATED PROPERTIES ACROSS THE STATE.

I REPRESENT THE MULTI-LEVELED MEGA-MILLION

FOR THE NATION, ENTERPRISING EASTERN LAND

DEVELOPMENTAL CORPORATION

(GORDON takes a deep breath)

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MURIEL

What are you selling, slick?

GORDON

We're not selling, we're buying! Your beach front property. All three hundred feet of it.

MURIEL

Over Pop's dead body. Wait a minute, buster.

Are you planning to open some fancy-schmancy clam bar right next to ours?

GORDON

No, ma'am! We're planning to open a fancy-schmancy marina right next to you!

It'll make your business boom.

We'll yank out that broken down dock of yours and build ten new ones, each a hundred feet long.

MURIEL

What are you, some kind of crackpot?

There aren't enough clamming boats around here to fill up that many docks.

GORDON

No, ma'am, but my company and I are betting that by next summer

there'll be plenty of pleasure crafts in search of a fancy schmancy marina to...

MURIEL

You are a crackpot. People down here don't have the money for pleasure crafts.

GORDON

No, ma'am, but they will! We've just won the war.

We're entering a new age of prosperity and leisure.

And the boys overseas are going to get things off to a flying start.

Remember, they’ve been sending home their allotment checks for the past four years.

They’ll get back dying to have fun and there waiting will be money to burn!

Your everyday Joe will be buying his own motorboat now.

Just imagine, two hundred boats or more floating right outside your door.

That little clam bar of yours will make a fortune!

(sings)

THE PEOPLE COME POURING IN FOR YOUR CHOWDER

YOU'RE RAKING THE DOLLARS IN...

DO YA' KNOW HOW TO SWIM?

YOU'LL BE DOIN' IT IN THE CARIBBEAN!

MURIEL

It sounds pretty fishy to me.

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GORDON

FROM TIMBUKTU TO TIPPERRARY,

DIESEL TRAIN OR DROMEDARY,

I COULD SELL A SPIDER TO A FLEA...

ON MY WAY TO THE TOP,

GIFTED, NIFTY ME!

(HE sings in double time)

IF YOU ARE VEXED BY HEXAGONAL

PERIODIC MORTGAGE RATES,

IF BURNING BOGS IN PARAGUAY

ARE SEEMING MORE IMMEDIATE,

FORGET ABOUT THE CAPITAL

AND OVERHEAD AWAITING YOU

AND LEAVE IT TO THE MAN

WHO PLANNED A MERGER AT THE TENDER AGE OF TWO!

MURIEL

Could this guy be on the level?

GORDON

(faster yet)

I'M NOT AND NEVER WAS A FRAUD,

I GRADUATED CUMA-LAUD,

A WIZARD ON THE BALANCE BEAM

AND CAPTAIN OF THE BOWLING TEAM.

LADY PUT YOUR TRUST IN ME,

I SWEAR TO GOD, AND GUARANTEE

THAT YOU'LL BE RUBBING ELBOWS

WITH THE SWANKIEST CELEBRITIES!

MURIEL

Movie stars?

GORDON MURIEL

DO YOU LIKE MOVIE STARS?

Who?

THEY'LL BE MINGLING

HERE WITH THEIR CAVIAR

Ooooooh!

WHO DID THEY COME TO SEE?...

GORDON (con’t) MURIEL (con’t)

The singer!

AND WHO WILL THAT SINGER BE?...