WHAT WOULD ESTHER WILLIAMS DO IN A SITUATION LIKE THIS ?
1-1-4
ACT ONE
Scene 1
At rise:
(The LIGHTS COME UP on the clam bar. A big, metal outdoor sign reading
"SPARK'S CLAM BAR" hangs above the interior. DORIS SPARKS storms through the screen door. SHE is around thirty, does everything she can
to look attractive but is still on the plain side. SHE wears a bathing suit and cap and carries
a burlap bag. SHE is wet, has seaweed
hanging off her and band aids around every fingernail. DORIS throws the bag down and starts pacing
back and forth, occasionally glancing at the door. We hear applause OFF STAGE. MURIEL SPARKS backs in bowing. SHE is a large, overweight woman of
fifty. SHE wears gobs of makeup, a
bright red BETTY GRABLE type dress, a platinum blonde wig and tap shoes.)
MURIEL
(sings
out)
See you tomorrow!
(SHE tap dances to CENTER STAGE and adjusts her wig.)
Doris, they loved
me!
(DORIS is about to explode.)
DORIS
Don't you dare go out there tomorrow.
Don't you ever tap dance on the pier again while I'm digging for clams!
MURIEL
Why
not? An actress needs an audience. Did you see the crowd I drew?
DORIS
(Through her teeth)
Yes, mother. . . . I want to thank you for bringing every sleazy old fisherman,
clammer and worm salesman down to our dock to gawk at me!
MURIEL
Don't be so dramatic. The Fowler brothers whistled at you a couple of times.
DORIS
The whole pier cheered every time I bent over to dig up a clam!
MURIEL
(demonstrates)
They were cheering for my buck and wing.
1-1-5
DORIS
No they weren't! Mother, look at me! I'm half naked!
I'm out there twice a day like this in water up to here-
(DORIS points to the
top of her thighs
and demonstrates
clamming motion in an exaggeratedly sexual way.)
-shimmying and bending over for hours and hours.
All month those revolting Fowler brothers have been devouring me with their eyes.
They won't take their boat out clamming in the morning until they've sat on the dock
for a good ten minutes making kissing sounds behind my back.
(MURIEL EXITS
into living room. DORIS follows.
The room is simply furnished: couch, chair, coffee table and
a floor radio.
There is a stairway that leads to a second level and a
galley type door that leads to the clam bar.
A WELCOME HOME WALTER banner hangs across one wall.)
MURIEL
Sticks and stones will break my bones but kisses will never harm me.
DORIS
(very
dramatic)
There's just so much a person can take. You don't realize what torture it is to work like a dog knowing you're not going to get enough clams to make a decent chowder.
MURIEL
(picks
up mail)
It's only for a little longer. When Walter comes home we'll be lousy with clams.
DORIS
I don't care. I can't take another day of this. ...You know I heard the temperature's
supposed to drop any minute. By tomorrow
it'll probably be too cold for me to clam.
MURIEL
Sorry dearie the paper said it's gonna stay warm til the end of the week. ...
Thank God for Indian Summer.
DORIS
And thank me for doing all the work! ...I wish Pop and Daddy weren't so useless.
MURIEL
(looking
through mail)
Stop whining.
DORIS
Why did I bother going to charm school?
Miss Fevey said I was the most conscientious pupil she ever had.
(SHE pulls some
seaweed from her hair.)
If she could see me now she'd take back my diploma.
1-1-6
MURIEL
(waves
bill in front of DORIS)
Look, another final notice.
DORIS
Oh no. Is it from the baker?
MURIEL
Yes. We'll have to bake our own.
DORIS
We're out of bread! Napkins! Coasters! Lemons!
MUSIC
CUE “ BOTTOM OF THE BOWL”
MURIEL
TODAY
THE MILKMAN DIDN’T BRING HIS BOTTLES BACK.
DORIS
I
PRAY WE HAVEN’T SEEN THE LAST OF
THAT
FELLOW’S RACK
WE
OWE THE BUTCHER FOR THE HAM
WE
GAVE THE BANKER JUST TO STALL HIM
MURIEL
FROM
FORCLOSING ON OUR MORTGAGE
LOOKY,
HERE’S A LETTER FROM HIM!
(SHE rips open an
envelope)
UH-OH.
DORIS
Great.
(MURIEL stares at
the contents of the letter)
DORIS
THIS
TIME LAST YEAR I WAS IN CHARM SCHOOL
AND
NOW I’M HERE AND WIPING BAR STOOLS
THEY
NEED ME HERE, AND WHERE WOULD I GO?
MURIEL
HE
WANTS TO KNOW WHEN WE’LL COME UP WITH EIGHT-FIFTY!
1-1-7
DORIS
NO MAN OF CLASS WOULD DREAM OF CARESSING
AN OLDER GIRL WHO’S ONLY WAITRESSING
THEY SMIRK, THEY STARE, AT ME THE OLD MAID...
MURIEL
PHOOEY
MISTER GOLDBLATZ, WHO NEEDS YA?
STRIP
OUR CLAM BAR LUNCHEONETTE BARE
TAKE
THE CLAMS WE HAVE FOR THE CHOWDER
THERE
ARE SIX OR SEVEN THERE!
(SHE puts the
envelope back with the other mail)
OUR
FINANCIAL SITUATION
BRINGS
ACUTE DYSPEPSIA...
ALL
THE CUSTOMERS COMPLAIN
THAT
THEY SEARCH THEIR BOWLS IN VAIN
AND
DON'T FIND CLAMS,
THEY
WON'T.
ONLY
AT THE BOTTOM OF THE BOWL...
DORIS
I
WISH IT WAS EXAGGERATION
BUT
OUR INCOME DOESN'T MEET THE OUT.
MURIEL
YES,
THE BANKER HAS EXPRESSED
THAT
HE'D LIKE TO REPOSSESS
MURIEL/DORIS
OUR
HOME! HE WON'T POSTPONE
SCRAPIN'
OUT THE BOTTOM OF THE BOWL!
MURIEL
BY DAY I COOK A THINNING CHOWDER
FOR MY GUESTS...
DORIS
BY
NIGHT I TRY TO BALANCE BOOKS
THAT
HAVEN'T BALANCED YET…
MURIEL DORIS
WE
CAN'T AFFORD AN ADVERTISEMENT WE CAN'T AFFORD
IN THE STATEN ISLAND PAPER THE STATEN ISLAND PAPER...
SO I'LL TELL THE BAKER
1-1-8
MURIEL (cont.)
DORIS (cont.)
THAT
I'LL HAVE TO PAY HIM LATER... BUT NOT TODAY!
BUT NOT TODAY!
(MURIEL rips open
another envelope.)
MURIEL
Mother of pearl. The laundry too!
DORIS
What is it?! What is it?!
(MURIEL swats DORIS
away.)
MURIEL
Calahan.
DORIS
Napkins and tablecloths.
MURIEL
WE'LL
HAVE TO PAY HIM LATER!
(SHE puts the mail
down.)
DORIS
DON'T
TELL ME...
MURIEL
WHAT
A VILLAIN.
DORIS
TELL
ME...
MURIEL
NO
MORE LINEN!
MURIEL/DORIS
SOON
NO CHOWDER ON OUR MENU...
MURIEL
BATTER
DIPPED OR IN CASINO
A
CLAM IS SUCCULENT AND SWEET.
A
LOBSTER MAYBE NOT
BUT
WITH BUTTER, PIPING HOT
1-1-9
MURIEL/DORIS
THEY
SELL...THEY SELL SO WELL
IN
A STEW OR SIMPLY IN A SHELL!
MURIEL
ALL
YOU DEBTORS WE IMPLORE
DORIS
DON'T
COME KNOCKIN' AT OUR DOOR
MURIEL/DORIS
WE'RE
NOT THE ROCKEFELLERS
DORIS
AND
THIS AIN'T AN ERMINE STOLE
MURIEL
OH
NO...
MURIEL/DORIS
WE'RE
STUCK IN, SHUCKIN'
CLAMS
TO FILL THE BOTTOM OF THE BOWL.
(THEY hug each
other.)
DORIS
I've got to go up and change. I have a date with an officer tonight.
(GORDON TIMBERLAKE, in his thirties and carrying a
briefcase
knocks on the door but
MURIEL and DORIS don’t hear him.
GORDON cautiously enters.)
MURIEL
You have a date with an officer?
DORIS
You don't have to act so surprised
MURIEL
Doris sweety ...it's a fact of life. Some girls are born to date officers, while the others are born to date enlisted men. You're the second type.
DORIS
Why must you spoil
everything for me, Mother? Miss Fevey says that I have all the requisite grace and charm to
be an officer's wife.
(DORIS turns around
quickly and bumps into GORDON.)
1-1-10
GORDON
Good afternoon, ma'am. My name is Gordon Timberlake-
(THEY ignore him.)
MURIEL
Oh really. Well just where did you meet this officer?
DORIS
At the Sail Inn.
MURIEL
Was he drunk?
DORIS
He was happy! Okay, Mother?!
(DORIS bolts up the
stairs as GORDON inches toward MURIEL.
SHE picks up a
feather duster and lightly dusts the furniture.)
GORDON
Excuse me.
MURIEL
Didn't you see the sign on the door? Mo salesmen!
(MURIEL shoves him
out. GORDON grabs hold of the doorknob.)
GORDON
I'm not just a salesman. I'm in real estate.
MURIEL
Scat!
MUSIC
CUE “ MY NAME IS GORDON
TIMBERLAKE ”
( as GORDON steps
forward, pushing MURIEL aside.)
GORDON
(Quickly)
MY
NAME IS GORDON TIMBERLAKE
MY
SPECIALTY: SOPHISTICATED REAL ESTATE
AND
UNDER-RATED PROPERTIES ACROSS THE STATE.
I
REPRESENT THE MULTI-LEVELED MEGA-MILLION
FOR
THE NATION, ENTERPRISING EASTERN LAND
DEVELOPMENTAL CORPORATION
(GORDON takes a deep
breath)
1-1-11
MURIEL
What are you selling, slick?
GORDON
We're not selling, we're buying! Your beach front property. All three hundred feet of it.
MURIEL
Over Pop's dead body. Wait a minute, buster.
Are you planning
to open some fancy-schmancy clam bar right next to
ours?
GORDON
No, ma'am! We're planning to open a fancy-schmancy marina right next to you!
It'll make your business boom.
We'll yank out
that broken down dock of yours and build ten new ones, each a hundred feet
long.
MURIEL
What are you, some kind of crackpot?
There aren't
enough clamming boats around here to fill up that many docks.
GORDON
No, ma'am, but my company and I are betting that by next summer
there'll be plenty of pleasure crafts in search of a fancy schmancy marina to...
MURIEL
You are a crackpot. People down here don't have the money for pleasure crafts.
GORDON
No, ma'am, but they will! We've just won the war.
We're entering a new age of prosperity and leisure.
And the boys overseas are going to get things off to a flying start.
Remember, they’ve been sending home their allotment checks for the past four years.
They’ll get back dying to have fun and there waiting will be money to burn!
Your everyday Joe will be buying his own motorboat now.
Just imagine, two hundred boats or more floating right outside your door.
That little clam
bar of yours will make a fortune!
(sings)
THE
PEOPLE COME POURING IN FOR YOUR CHOWDER
YOU'RE
RAKING THE DOLLARS IN...
DO
YA' KNOW HOW TO SWIM?
YOU'LL
BE DOIN' IT IN THE CARIBBEAN!
MURIEL
It sounds pretty fishy to me.
1-1-12
GORDON
FROM
TIMBUKTU TO TIPPERRARY,
DIESEL
TRAIN OR DROMEDARY,
I
COULD SELL A SPIDER TO A FLEA...
ON
MY WAY TO THE TOP,
GIFTED,
NIFTY ME!
(HE sings in double
time)
IF
YOU ARE VEXED BY HEXAGONAL
PERIODIC
MORTGAGE RATES,
IF
BURNING BOGS IN PARAGUAY
ARE
SEEMING MORE IMMEDIATE,
FORGET
ABOUT THE CAPITAL
AND
OVERHEAD AWAITING YOU
AND
LEAVE IT TO THE MAN
WHO
PLANNED A MERGER AT THE TENDER AGE OF TWO!
MURIEL
Could this guy be on the level?
GORDON
(faster yet)
I'M
NOT AND NEVER WAS A FRAUD,
I
GRADUATED CUMA-LAUD,
A
WIZARD ON THE BALANCE BEAM
AND
CAPTAIN OF THE BOWLING TEAM.
LADY
PUT YOUR TRUST IN ME,
I
SWEAR TO GOD, AND GUARANTEE
THAT
YOU'LL BE RUBBING ELBOWS
WITH THE SWANKIEST CELEBRITIES!
MURIEL
Movie stars?
GORDON MURIEL
DO YOU LIKE MOVIE STARS?
Who?
THEY'LL BE MINGLING
HERE WITH THEIR CAVIAR
Ooooooh!
WHO DID THEY COME TO SEE?...
GORDON (con’t)
MURIEL
(con’t)
The
singer!
AND WHO WILL THAT SINGER BE?...
ME!
1-1-13
MURIEL
ONCE
I WAS A BACK PORCH SWINGER,
NOW
I AM A NIGHT CLUB SINGER
OF
COURSE HE, TOMMY DORSEY, WILL AGREE
THAT
I AM THE TOP,
SCARLET STARLET ME!
(GORDON takes MURIEL
by the hand and leads her into a dance.)
MURIEL
It all sounds so wonderful, Mr. Limberlegs!
GORDON
That's Timberlake. ...Why don't we do some business?
MURIEL
You’ll have to come back and talk to Pop.
MURIEL GORDON
I'LL BE HOSTESS ON THE OCEAN...
ME, I'LL GET THAT
BIG PROMOTION
LOOK AT ME
NOW! AND AN
OFFICE
LOOK AT ME
NOW! WITH
A PRIVATE SECRETARY...
MISS SPARKS, IT'S
DIVINE!
(spoken)
Call me Muriel...
I CAN SEE IT
NOW... I
CAN SEE IT NOW...
THE PEOPLE COME POURIN' IN THE
PEOPLE COME POURIN' IN
FOR MY CHOWDER FOR YOUR CHOWDER
WE'RE RAKIN' THE DOLLARS IN! YOU'RE RAKIN' THE DOLLARS IN!
NAPKINS OF GOLD LAME'?
ARE YOU
KIDDIN'?
WE'LL
SERVE DIAMONDS AU GRATINE'!
(spoken)
That's
it! Let the possibilities take
you away...
TO CHARGE ACCOUNTS...
AND MAITRE D'S!
ITALIAN COUNTS...
AND
SHOPPING SPREES!
A PENSION PLAN...
A LOBSTER TAIL!
1-1-14
MURIEL (con’t) GORDON (con’t)
A PINK DIVAN...
FROM
BLOOMINGDALES!
A PARKING SPOT!
A PRESS RELEASE!
THE BOSS'S YACHT!
A HOME IN NICE'!
A DESK!
A BROACH!
A CHAIR!
A CHAISE!
SUCCESS!
FINESSE!
AT LAST.....A RAISE!
GORDON
Please inform Mr. Sparks that I'm prepared to offer him fifty thousand dollars for the property.
MURIEL
Fifty thousand! Are you insane?
GORDON
No ma'am! Here's my card. Have Mr. Sparks call me in the morning.
MURIEL
(reads
card)
Brickhaven Hospital...That's the nut house! You are insane.
I knew it. You’ve escaped from the nut house!
GORDON
Oh gosh! I gave you the wrong card...
(HE grabs it back
and takes out another card.)
MURIEL
Good day, Mr. Timberhead.
GORDON
(hiccuping)
Ma'am, please believe me, I'm not insane! Here, this is my business card...
(shoves
it into her hand)
Call my boss. He'll tell you my offer is legitimate. I had a tiny nervous breakdown a few months ago.
(his
hiccups become more severe)
1-1-15
GORDON (con’t)
I'm fine now. I had the hospital's card in my pocket because
I just called
Doctor Wieberhauser to tell him how well I'm doing.
MURIEL
You're having a fit, aren't you?
GORDON
No, ma'am. It's just the hiccups. I always get them when I'm a little nervous.
MURIEL
(escorting
him to the door)
Well maybe you better check back into the funny farm.
GORDON
But, Miss Sparks...Muriel...
MURIEL
PLEASE, MISTER LUMBERLAKE...
GORDON
Our deal...?
MURIEL
DEAR MISTER
FINGERCAKE...
GORDON
(in
the doorway)
The property...?
MURIEL
WELL, MISTER
DINNERPLATE...
GORDON
But...
MURIEL
(shoving
him through the doorway)
BYE BYE...
(SHE rips up card.)
Lunatic......
(BLACKOUT)