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Monday, May 28, 2007
Memorial Day Weekend
Hope you had fun this weekend. We did. We went to many parties, saw many interesting things, heard many interesting
tales and observed some very interesting dancing....
Summer begins. Is it hot enough for you? It kinda annoys me when people say that normally but right now it
seems even worse. I've had this dreaded hot flash thing going on full steam for a week or so. Like really...what
a pain. Every time I mentioned the heat at all this weekend it seemed as if there was a woman my age nearby going
"I KNOW...REALLY!!!! JEEZ...! THIS HEAT!!!" And then we smile ruefully.
Personally, I think I am WAY too young for this. Not that I have any problem with aging cause I think it's pretty
cool. I sort of really like that crone thing. But I have to be honest and say I'm not thrilled with the hot flashes
and the NIGHT SWEATS!! What the Hell? Like being woken up in a sweat throwing the covers off only to get cold 2 minutes
later cause you're drenched is just not as pretty as I make it sound. And how many night gowns does one person really
need to go through a night.....AND OMG....MY HAIR!!! I'm starting to understand that helmet head that is so popular
with woman my age and older. I literally got up in the middle of the night, sopping wet and put my hair up in a pony
tail on the top of my head only because I couldn't find the $&%# scissors....
So today I broke down and bought Estroven. Sigh. And an old ladies cotton nightgown.
But I can still shimmy like a rock star when so inclined. And did Saturday with my buddies.
But then we had to go stand on the air conditioning vent.....
Saturday, May 26, 2007
A Gift
So, I have been obsessed with cleaning my house. Like obnoxiously. Like no one in my house is speaking to
me obsessed. I've been trying to undo 5 years of not doing in one week. Like windows and blinds and drapes....ugh.
What is wrong with me? I keep thinking if I can get on top of the cleaning and organizing, losing 25 pounds should be
a cinch.
So it's been icky and dusty and exhausting and frankly, pretty frustrating. I live with an interesting group of
people who believe in fairies. As in, a bathroom fairy, a laundry fairy, a put things away fairy....you get the drill.
Needless to say, this fairy has been pretty pissed off (thanks Lori for the plaque :) )
Yesterday Rhia told me I had to drive her to Annapolis so she could be a pirate for a party for a pre school. I
was just downright irritated! How could she interrupt my cleaning binge in the middle of the morning just when I was
thisclose to getting it all done? She said we had to be there at 10:30 and it would only take an hour. So grumbling,
we set off. We drive down the highway, me complaining the whole while about the traffic and not knowing where I was
going and blah, blah. We get to Quiet Waters Park and I ask the guy at the place you pay the money to get in where we
are supposed to go, pay the money and go wait. Rhia calls her friend, who is late, so we wait. And wait.
And wait. The friend gets there and we soon find out we are at the wrong park. You can imagine my mood at this
point--I mean really, I have things to do!! Toilets to clean!! Carpets to wash!! Cabinets and Closets to re-arrange!
So Rhia takes off with her friend, who rapidly gives me directions to the next park. I of course, get lost but
eventually find the right road. As I get to the end of the road, it slowly dawns on me where it ends. The beach!
The Bay! Right on the water! Whooppeee! Maybe this won't be so bad. I grab a blanket out of the back
of my car and go sit at the water's edge....Ahhhh.
It occurred to me that sometimes when you least expect it, God gives you a gift. Yes, I could have been home cleaning.
Yes, it was inconvenient and time consuming (what was supposed to take 1 hour took 4) Yes, I got sunburned and was starving
but I got to sit for a long spell looking at the liquid light, no responsibilities, nothing I could do, no way to get
out of it. I had to just sit. And wait. And boy, did I need it....
"....People who live beside moving water have been given the gift of living lights, and even if they never come to recognize
it as such, any other light, no matter how clear or brilliant, is pale and static to them, leaving them with a sense of loss,
of vulnerability, as it they have suddenly found themselves without clothes.
"I have to be near the water, " they will say.....But what most of them are really saying, without knowing it is,
"I can't live without that lights that dances with me. I wear it like a living skin, without it I am incomplete." .............excerpt
from Sweetwater Creek by Anne River Siddons
You should have seen the light dancing on the water yesterday. It was glorious. I was grateful. Thanks
Rhia!
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Feng Shui
Don't let the mystic name fool you. Feng Shui is very important. Basically it means that when you walk into
a room, you feel good. On an aesthetic level. Now, lots of people charging lots of money will convince you that
it is very complicated but most of it is common sense. You have to stand in the middle of your room and slowly move
around and basically eliminate everything that makes you feel drained. As in:
trash
laundry
things people gave you that you don't like
things you like that people you don't like gave you
clutter
people/animals you don't like (sorry, they must go)
things associated with negativity like bills or mementos of unpleasant events in your life
anything broken
dirt or cobwebs (sorry!)
And so on. You just take a look at each thing, take a breath, sense your innards and either keep or get rid of.
Simple as that.
Next, you walk around the room. Anything that impedes your progress must go. Anything that makes you have
to move sideways needs to move. You should be able to walk freely, swinging your arms, without knocking anything over.
Anything you knock over must go. Like the dog.
Finally, sit down in the room. Get everyone in your house to do the same. If you have to crane your neck
to see them, you need to move the furniture. Look down. If there is a corner of a table pointing at you, you need
to change that--you could bang your knee. See moving freely about the room.
Now. Just that should make you feel tons better when you walk in the room. If you want to take it further.....think
about what you could add to make it better. For example, when you are sitting in the room facing your loved ones and
one of them gets up to go to the bathroom and leaves the door open, can you see the toilet? Bad feng shui....so you
put a screen or a plant up to block. I mean, really, who wants to look at a toilet?
And speaking of toilets, bathrooms are a very good place to create movement... (lol! sorry....) so we create movement
with wind chimes, fans, pictures of water....
Anywhere you want the energy to slow down, add metal, wood, earthy things.
When you want the energy to speed up or you need to break it up a bit, add water, wind, fire.
So there you go. You are now a feng shui expert. You can charge hundreds of dollars to go stand in the center
of someone's house and say, "You really need to clean this dump up".
If you can say it in Chinese, it pays double.
You're welcome.
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Some Random Musings
I am convinced that electronic cords breed at night while we sleep and tangle themselves up on purpose.
For all the good of theater....there is an equal amount of bad.
Sometimes it may be okay to burn a bridge.
Birds definitely do NOT flock together.
Paperwork is annoying and time consuming. Even if it's electronic. Clearing out a hard drive is just as bad
as clearing out a file cabinet. And you don't get the satisfaction of a fire.
If everyone did the right thing there would not be war. Duh.
Pollen sucks.
Sometimes you just gotta kick off your shoes and shimmy.
My daughter thinks she's a ceiling fan cause she's so cool.
Roses blooming in Weigela is one of the most amazing things I've ever seen and smelled.
I think that while the cords are dancing, the dust and cobwebs are having wild orgies....
Is that how you spell the plural of orgy? Ha ha....Or Gee....
Typing random blog entries so you don't have to finish the crazy mess you've created trying to organize everything in
your home all at once when you just don't really have the energy STILL to see it through is more time consuming than actually
seeing it through. But it's better than staring into space for hours.....
Or is it?
Friday, May 18, 2007
The more things change......
Full circle. Life is an amazing thing. We think we are accomplishing so much and moving forward and making
progress and the truth is that we are only growing. We will keep coming back to the same place over and over, hopefully
with a bit more perspective, maybe a little maturity, definitely with a little less energy.
In Celestine Prophecy, one of my favorite books, it says that we will keep living our life dramas over and over until
we figure them out and then we can leave them behind. That's why we keep meeting the same type of people, reinacting
the same situations, having the same thing happen to us over and over. We say things like "why does this always happen
to me?" "when will I stop doing ______this?" "I always come across that same kind of ______person (controlling,
victim, martyr, user, you fill in the blanks) "
The solution is to figure out what the situation/person/drama is trying to tell you. Course that doesn't necessarily
mean that's the end. We then have to figure out what to do with the info. And lots of time we are only skimming
the surface.....there are many, many layers to the drama, most times we are only just beginning the understanding. That's
why it takes lifetimes. That's why some believe in reincarnation, you can look around you and see many people who will
just never get it in a lifetime. Maybe even yourself. Me too.
I have once again come full circle. In so many ways I am right back to where I started 5 years ago, 10, 15, 20.....
Same dramas, same people, only some of the faces have changed. Like my own. It can be rather frustrating/depressing.
But I am lucky. I know what to do. I have a whole tool box to draw from.
When you are busy with life's accomplishments and fulfilling your purposes, many times you forget what brought you to
where you are. What brought me to now sanely (and I use the word loosely) was yoga, meditation, prayers, journaling,
reiki, nature, tarot, silence and breath. Tuning Out. and Tuning In.
Time. Understanding balance, yin and yang. What goes up.....
Thank you for your prayers. I feel them and they are saving me. My dad is as well as he can be at this point.
And my mother. It is what it is. This too shall pass. There are always mountains on the sides of the
valley. Both are useful.
Every valley I have come out of has had an amazing mountain to conquer.....and I have stood at the top of many of them,
sun shining on my face, triumphant. Can't wait to see the next one :)
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Hospitals
I spent all day yesterday at Washington Hospital Center. My dad needed to get a defibrillator installed.
(Sounds like a car needing a new radiator or something.) Dad has had 2 heart attacks, has diabetes and is insulin dependant,
and has a small host of smoking related illnesses and is not in the best of shape. The doctors feel his chances of surviving
another heart attack would be better if he didn't have one. So the defibrillator will "shock" his heart into the right
beat if it gets off tune.....like on ER....CLEAR!!!....CHARGING TO 300.....only internally. We are all wishing
it will "shock" him into submission the next time he sneaks a cigarette....
I hate hospitals. What a dreadful place. It's like some kind of alternate universe where things are happening
very quickly but nothing ever changes. Everyone is sick, everyone is suffering, you can see outside but you are fully
aware that most will never touch it again. I don't know how the doctors and nurses stand it. They really must
be Saints or Angels of Mercy. I just can't imagine spending my days/nights walking up those long corridors dealing with
the horrible, agonizing pain and suffering of the patients and the panic of the love ones waiting and hoping. They must
see so much and they remain so calm. They are overworked, everything is a crisis, how they don't end up in the beds
themselves is a miracle although I'm sure many of them do.
I have spent far too much time in hospitals, especially in the cardiac centers. It's terrifying. All the
constant alarms and emergencies. You sit looking at the monitors and all of a sudden they stop or worse start buzzing
and the first couple of times you rush into the hall screaming for a nurse and then you get lulled into submission because
the nurse has once again assured you it's just he machine resetting....no worries. Right. Yesterday the machines
quit and my mom and I just watched my dad's chest rise and fall....knowing that at least if he's breathing, that's a good
sign. The nurse eventually came and fixed them, took his blood sugar which was 307, rushed out of the room mumbling
about getting him something to eat/drink/meds and then disappeared. For an hour. He was just out of the recovery
room, hadn't ate/drank for 16 hours....was in and out of consciousness....you begin to really understand the meaning of the
word helpless.
Of course, you can't get angry with the nurse or the hospital, they have hundreds of other rooms with exactly the same
drama being played out over and over. They bring my diabetic dad sugar instead of Equal and then they get agitated when
they want to do an xray on him even though the doctor said he couldn't have an MRI because of the defibrillator and we panic,
frantically making sure they know WHO he is and WHY he is there and will it be okay to xray him.....We learn to trust without
trusting. Helplessness.....
I was stuck yesterday by the audacity of myself thinking that I am a healer. Ha. Right. I got nothing
up my sleeve compared to them.
My prayers and energy and light go out to those doctors/nurses/workers that face illness and death every day. I
just can't imagine. I am exhausted just after one day. And don't even start me on the traffic......
My dad is stable and okay for the time being. Thank you for your prayers and concern. He comes home today.
Thank God.
Monday, May 14, 2007
Should's & Ought's
Anytime I make myself do something I don't want to do it's because of those daggone shoulds & oughts. They
follow me around, threatening me and making me feel bad. You should call your mother, you should clean your house, you
ought to feel bad about that, you ought to be more compassionate towards that person that just let you down, you should feel
happier, you should be grateful, you ought to do the "right" thing even if it makes you feel horrible....
Ugh. Wants and Needs are so much more subtle. They whisper. You want to sit by your waterfall.
You need to rest. You need some time alone. You want solitude and quiet and meaningful interactions.
Shoulds & Oughts cousin, Haveta, is even more insistent than the others. You haveta clean that toilet, you haveta
go to church, you haveta be nice when you don't feel it.....course, since haveta is so insistent I tend to find it easier
to rebel.....I don't like Haveta at all. And I don't have to.
I really believe much of the insanity we inflict on ourselves is because we go around blindly following the instructions
of Shoulds and Oughts and try to deny the existence of Wants and Needs. So we end up angry all the time without really
understanding what the deal is. Like I tell Cory, "you're just a Rebel without a Clue". Trouble is, we begin misplacing
all that anger, directing it at people who are safe because they will still love us, even thought we Ought to be honest with
the originators of the anger, sometimes they are just lost causes.
And then sometimes we wake up and realize who's really driving the ship. And we start listening for that subtle
whisper and following it's advice, and living our lives according to our wants & needs. And life becomes beautiful,
fulfilling, we accomplish things we never dreamed of.
And it becomes much, much harder to make yourself listen to those other characters. And even more difficult to
follow their instructions. And even worse after you do. Makes you feel slimy and like you need to spit.
And a bit creepy crawly.
But you really should ___________________________. So I did. Whatever.
I really want to sit by my waterfall and watch the birds. Saw a scarlet tanager Saturday!!!! For real!
And all kinds of warblers.....
Listen to your whisper.......
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Happy Mother's Day!!!
As I woke up to this beautiful sunny day this morning, I felt totally at peace and joyful. I felt loved.
And, above all, I felt grateful.
It's been an absolutely amazing journey for me as a mother.
Just as we are growing our children, our children are growing us! I've learned so much about myself, and
grown so much as a woman.
I hope you celebrate today, knowing that you are the perfect mom for your child(ren).
I
hope you enjoy this day, knowing that no matter where you are on your life's journey, you are on the right path to become
the woman you are meant to be.
I hope you trust and surrender to your Self, and relax into it.
I hope you let
your Inner Goddess come out and play, even just for a day!
I hope you savor today, knowing that you are loved.
You
hold within you the love you are seeking.
You are LOVE.
Written by Hueina Su on Mother's Day, May
13, 2007
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Ugh.
Feel like I'm treading water.....
I'm working on it....
That whole yin/yang thing has a tendency to be kinda funny sometimes. Didn't need the down so quick, you know?
Pray for my Dad.
Peace.
And Love.
And Yoga.....good.....
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
While I was away....
My wisteria bloomed.
The azaleas burst into color.
The grass grew. and grew. and grew.
My backyard became completely shaded.
The tulips and daffodils and dogwoods faded but the candytuft is still going strong. And the bleeding hearts.
Yesterday my clothesline smelled as fresh as lemons, the weigela branches tickling my nose.
And the clematis opened up in all their glory.
I can direct the next part.....roses, columbine, sage, dame's rocket, lily of the valley, lamium, spirea, sundrops, hydrangea,
st. john's wort, false indigo, japanese snowball....PLACES! Get ready! It's almost your cue!!!
Hmmmm.....home......content....and grateful. The play was a beautiful experience, best I've ever had. And
home is a beautiful place.
Again, my cup runneth over.....
Saturday, May 5, 2007
Another Opening, Another Show....
You ever have that feeling that if you don't hold on tight, you might just go to your knees sobbing like an infant with
the sheer overwhelming feeling that grace brings to your heart?
Yeah, that was me last night.
It's all just surreal. Did I really write a play? And did we really pull it off? And was it really
good? And did we really rock the Sanctuary? Did we really overcome all the usual stuff that goes along with plays
and pull together and create something that was entirely our own with that many people from all different walks of life?
Really? We really did that? Wow.
I said to my buddy Lori last night, "you know, even if it really was bad and no one is telling me, the love that I am
getting from everyone makes it all worth it" She looked at me like I had 2 heads and assured me it really IS good.
Thank you Sweet Jesus--may I continue to be an instrument of Your peace. Lead me and guide me and I will throw
your seeds where ever You desire.
Deep Heavy Breath.....with a major sigh of relief......Wow! We did it!
Thursday, May 3, 2007
Tact
One of the things that comes hardest to me is tact. (I know, big surprise, NOT!) I really have to work hard
at choosing my words carefully, I tend to just blurt things out--almost tourette's like--and I just do not have the ability
to lie. Blurting out the truth is a really bad thing if you have no tact. This has been one of my biggest character
flaws that I have worked on for many years.
This is why I prefer to write what I have to say. My back space key gets more work than any other on my key board.
I can let myself flow without censoring and then erase it and say it appropriately. I'm an Aries--I think quick, speak
quick, anger quickly and forget about it quickly. This is not good for people who anger slowly and hold on to it longly....
Boy, did my back space get a work out yesterday! I had some really volatile situations that I had to dig deep and
try and handle with tact and diplomacy. I had to keep walking away, praying for guidance, re-reading, re-writing, breathing,
fighting my inner demons, coming back and dealing with more.
I thought I may have a heart attack. Whoa, the stress of choosing words carefully...and having to actually break
down and ask for help. And the surrendering to letting others deal with their own problems....crippling.
It was worth it. God gave me the strength and the people to see it all through. I asked for help and boy,
did I get it.
And you know what? It was really good for them too.
One more....
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