Friday

Picked up some fresh meat at ARC (early I might add…thanks Vicki). Picked up old Meat at the Cracker Barrel in Fredericksburg. Drove to Ohiopyle and pitched the tents in Fern Gully in a light drizzle. Put up the new party canopy, because that’s how we roll. Waited patiently for Monster and Downtown Julie James to show up with the hot dog sticks. Ate hot dogs in the rain. Drank beer. Monster discovered his 17-year-old tent (almost legal) leaked. Pitched Guy’s tent in the pouring rain. FatDoug went to bed; everyone else stayed up and drank more beer (I’m speculating, but it’s always a good guess).

Saturday

Woke up. Brushed my teeth. Drank some instant coffee, ate some eggs and of course, bacon (what would a Corn trip be without at least some pork product). Sat around the soggy campsite in the rain. Decided to go to Ohiopyle to get psyched for running the falls. Watched a few boats run the falls for the race. Promptly put away the $25 entry fee and slid in my tampon. Put on for the Lower Yough. Played around in some waves, ran some rapids, goofed around, watched Hole Man River rip it up in Swimmers*. Guy broke his paddle. Apparently, wedging the blade of ones paddle between two rocks while trying to roll is not conducive to continued fiberglass fiber integrity. Got to the take out with no swims. Took off my dry top. Ripped the neck gasket of my dry top. Went into town to get jiggy at the “party”. It was lame. No jig was gotten. Ate at the Firefly Grill. They get the Corn stamp of approval. Talked to a local who gave us the skinny on the line to run for the falls. Got worked up into thinking the falls aren’t really that bad, we’ll run them tomorrow! Hung out and shopped in Ohiopyle. Saw Jim Alfredo, uh I mean Loffredo. Stopped and chatted a bit. Went back to Fern Gully in the rain. Made a lighter fluid campfire, then sat around a lantern in the party canopy in the pouring rain. FatDoug went to bed. Guy and Monster stayed up playing with lighter fluid and matches, and who knows what else.

*By “rip it up” we mean he sat in the wave for 10 minutes looking around to make sure he was being noticed.

Sunday

Woke up. Put on some clothes. Packed my crap up in a light drizzle. Found an empty condom box and a spent tube of Warming Sensations KY by the fire…glad I went to bed early. Ate some bacon, eggs, and oatmeal (for fiber). Brushed my teeth. Packed up the rest of the stuff. Went back to Ohiopyle. Looked at the falls again. Put my $25 away again, and slid the tampon back in place. Maybe next year. Put on the river and paddled up to the falls to watch from a different vantage point. It really doesn’t look that bad when it’s someone else who is plummeting over the falls. Twinge of regret felt. Next year, Fattness, next year. Ran the Lower Yough all the way down to the flat water above Dimple Rapid. Daniel swam! Directly preceding his swim, I popped his skirt and flipped him over. Still, Daniel swam! Then, I got hit in the back of the head with an orange. Swimmers was empty when we got there, so I got in the wave, side surfed a bit, dropped my upstream edge, and made a first rate windowshade exit. Watched Hole Man River Two – Electric Boogaloo rip it up*, and get all pissed off when rafts would crowd him in HIS wave. The nerve of upstream boats that are passing by getting in the way of someone playing in a wave. The rest of the trip downstream involved much horseplay and dunking of unsuspecting friends. Got to the takeout and IT WAS SUNNY!!! No rain. It was an odd and eerie feeling. Got the Corn Wagon loaded and gave two old deaf folks a ride back to the put-in. Went to Fox’s Pizza for food. They DO NOT get the Corn stamp of approval. If you eat there, we will ridicule you and turn our collective backs on you. So there. Take that, you uppity Yankee Bastards. Shopped for a little bit (again). Got in our cars, and started the trek back home. I called back seat for the corn wagon, and slept most of the way until we got a call from Jules. Apparently, the straps holding down the paddles didn’t hold, and there was a bit of carnage on I95 somewhere between Fredericksburg and Richmond. The paddles remain MIA at the writing of this report.

*Hole Man River Two – Electric Boogaloo is believed to be Hole Man River’s apprentice. His blatant disregard of wave etiquette and disdain of anyone trying to run the rapid while he is in the wave is a tribute to the Great Hole Man River. If you are ever at Swimmers Rapid at the Lower Yough, You WILL see one of these two people, and I dare say will know whom I am talking about.