24 September ’99
Saladbarring the Freshmen
They have it easy this year.

1 October ’99
An Empty Shell
HC football leaves home.

12 November ’99
Living in Fear & Tyranny
Joey tastes the WoPo's wrath.

19 November ’99
From D.C. to S.G.A.
Is Clinton headed to HC?

28 January ’00
Snow Problem
News flash: it's winter.

4 February ’00
Scary Life on the Hill
Spooked by Mulledy, I-290.

18 February ’00
Dead Presidents
Where's the long weekend?

25 February ’00
Razzies Hit Rock-Bottom
J. Brocklesby, film critic.

3 March ’00
College is Hall
It's a big-[expletive] building.

24 March ’00
The Quorum Question
New SGA Constitution has flaws.

7 April ’00
False Alarms
Sirens interrupt Kimball 'meal.'

14 April ’00
Features Farewell
Crusader star writers graduate.

This is one of the small reassurances that provide comfort for the Freshmen who want to know that their $30,000-a-year investment will still be there after the Millennium Bug reduces us to Bedrock-era implements (bold fashion prediction: in spring, the Wilma Flintstone look will be back in). Joey Brocklesby, one of the aught-threes in Hanselman, remarked to me recently on how much he would miss Holy Cross if it were to be burned down by illiterate townsfolk due to a combination of Y2K civilization loss and, of course, our continued flaunting of our "unofficial double-secret probation" status vis-à-vis the lovely City of Worcester.

The Freshmen all have it easy this year. For starters, they don't have to worry about the ladle system for ketchup. Upperclassmen remember this imperfect solution to the condiment distribution question. Now there is a nifty new ketchup dispenser, complete with -- or so tells us Kimball -- a Ketchup Button for smooth operation. Joey tells me that it's a tough system for a first-year student to understand; it was only after the helpful Kimball menu suggested actually "pushing" the Button that he was able to get ketchup. Presumably the new Ketchup Button was part of the Y2K-compliance blitz that Dining Services underwent this summer, but I think that if it needs to be explained, it's probably too high-tech. I'll bet the ladle was more Y2K-compliant. ITS should look into this.

On the subject of Kimball, and Upper Kimball menus in particular, let's note that Holy Cross will finally get its mention in the Oxford English Dictionary as the source of a new word: Saladbar. We've got one and we know how to use it. This word, which during my days as a Freshman was spelled "Salad Bar," with an (in retrospect) unnecessary space dividing the middle, has already spawned a derivative job title -- Saladbar Attendant, supposedly some unfortunate Work/Study Frosh who sits nearby and snickers at the kids who drop the entire ladle into the salad dressing (or is it "saladdressing"?). Personally, I'm excited about this new word. It could be an adjective: "Why, Joey, that's a very saladbarry jacket you're wearing today." It could be made into a verb: Saladbarring, or "going to a Saladbar, especially when the unappetizing nature of the main course forces you to." This could bring the adverb saladbarringly (unfortunately, this would not be a very useful word; the only sentence I can think of for it is "he walked very saladbarringly, like a young Caesar").

Despite the fact that there are all of these new words to learn, I still remain convinced that the Freshmen do have it easy this year. For example, they don't have to deal with the scourge of Mass Email. Last year, thanks to a few offensive emails that were mass-distributed to the student body, the College actually got mentioned in the Boston papers, a feat only repeated when we managed to discover a missing Gilbert and Sullivan song later that year. The articles were less than congratulatory the first time around, so the College did the only smart thing -- took away every student's mass-email privileges. This was a great idea. Now, incoming Freshmen aren't tempted by the "All Students" list. They can live their lives happy in the knowledge that someone out there, somewhere, has closed a door and given them less to think about. Not only do I think this policy is great, I think it ought to be expanded. If you're in an auto accident, why just punish the person at fault? I say, revoke the license of every driver in the county. It's a proven fact: there were no car abuses before there were cars. Look it up.

Here's another way in which the Freshmen are getting a free ride. Earlier this month the College sent out an urgent missive via campus mail telling all of us students that we are expected to attend classes. During my Freshman year, no such outreach was made, and the consequences were horrible: Whole floors, whole dorms even, had no idea that attendance at class was expected, and consequently did not go. I knew only two kids on my floor who actually made the hike down to Stein. Granted, I figured it out soon enough (I think it was my first semester grade report that tipped me off). But now, they're just telling the Freshmen off the bat. What next, are they going to let slip that you can actually check out books from the library? That your swipe card can be used to gain access to your dorm? That regular breathing in an oxygen-rich atmosphere is encouraged activity and will most likely prolong your life?

And don't get me started about the Hart Lawn movie. Last year we had to sit through "Titanic." This year we were able to see "The Matrix." Let me ask you, do you think that is fair?

As I was telling this to Joey, he suddenly interrupted and told me I was too much of an old man for college. I asked for clarification, but he just made a remark about my affinity for Bob Dylan LP's or something. The kid has no reverence. Then again, he is adjusting to taking four university-level classes a week, staying away from home for the first time in his life, and smuggling six-packs of Coors past the Public Safety patrols. He's got enough on his mind already without me telling him how it was back in the olden days.

Of course, I remarked while we finished our Chicken Kiev, the Freshmen automatically have a lot in common with the on-campus upperclassmen: coughing on the Stein Bridge, waiting in line at Add/Drop, and, of course, Kimball. We will always have that great unifying force at Holy Cross, the art of saladbarring.

This article ran in the 24 September 1999 edition of The Crusader, on page 14 (the fourth page of Features section), alongside a column by Features editor Tom Spoth and across from Tim O'Coin's review of Stigmata.