24 September ’99
Saladbarring the Freshmen
They have it easy this year.

1 October ’99
An Empty Shell
HC football leaves home.

12 November ’99
Fear and Tyranny
Joey tastes the WoPo's wrath.

19 November ’99
From D.C. to S.G.A.
Is Clinton headed to HC?

28 January ’00
Snow Problem
News flash: it's winter.

4 February ’00
Scary Life on the Hill
Spooked by Mulledy, I-290.

18 February ’00
Dead Presidents
Where's the long weekend?

25 February ’00
Razzies Hit Rock-Bottom
J. Brocklesby, film critic.

3 March ’00
College is Hall
It's a big-[expletive] building.

24 March ’00
The Quorum Question
New SGA Constitution has flaws.

7 April ’00
False Alarms
Sirens interrupt Kimball 'meal.'

14 April ’00
Features Farewell
Crusader star writers graduate.

Following up on the incredible success of last week's "Computer Vision Syndrome" menu, in which the helpful staff of Kimball Dining Services passed along dire warnings about the optometrical hazards of modern computing, this week's "Kimball Cuisine" brochure promises a "BIG & BOLD" stone-age meal on Leap Day, with Brontosaurus Burgers, oddly-spelled "Teridacktel" Wings, and appetizingly-named "Dirt Cake."

Yes, the Flintstones mania that swept the country in the 1960s has finally made it to Kimball. Joey Rocklesby '03, the Hanselmaniac who claims to have invented the "bone in the hair" fashion fad, was on cloud nine when he heard the news that Tuesday, February 29th would bring "an adventure [we] don't want to miss" to our beloved dining hall. The menu claims that we will "journey back in time ... to meet the 'Flintstones.' "

This reporter is somewhat skeptical as to whether Fred and Wilma, much less Pebbles, will actually make appearances. Then again, Joey pointed out, perhaps John Goodman is in town and would care to reprise the role he took in that 1994 film. As Joey told me, "he may yet show up, even though nobody will believe it until they see it. We've seen Kimball exaggerate on these publications so many times that we just take it for granite."

Meanwhile, as Tim O'Coin mentions in his column this week, the nominees for the Golden Raspberry Awards were announced this month. Joey, ever the Tinseltown devotee, shoved a list of the "worst of the cinema" nominees under my nose at dinner.

This year, the Razzies are doing something different. Instead of simply deciding the worst movies of 1999, they're also bringing special attention to some of the worst in cinema from the last 10 and the last 100 years. "Worst New Star of the Decade," for example, promises to be a dead heat between Dennis Rodman and Pauly Shore -- although Ahmed Best (Jar Jar Binks) is also included in the running. Rodman makes lousy action movies; Pauly makes lousy comedies.

I agree with Joey, who believes that Shore should win the award. "A bad action movie is funny," reasoned the Frosh, "whereas a bad comedy is just embarrassing."

As we came to the "Worst Actor of the Century" item, I found that Joey was losing his composure. "This nomination is bunk!" he screamed, jabbing his finger into the page. He had a point. Kevin Costner, star of Robin Hood and (more recently) For Love of the Game, is a fine if not spectacular actor. Granted, he was in Waterworld and The Postman, but such things can be forgiven when you see the competition he's up against.

"No," Joey said, "not Costner. Shatner!" This, I must admit, took me by surprise. William Shatner, whose cited body of work is comprised of Star Trek movies (lovingly referred to as "Star Drek" by the Raspberry committee), is a name that isn't usually associated with quality acting. Yet Shatner's melodramatic, overblown acting style is funnier than any script he reads (except, perhaps, Airplane! II).

And as with Costner, don't pass judgement until you see the competition: [The Artist Formerly Known As] Prince, Sylvester Stallone, and our buddy Pauly round out the category. There's no good reason why Shore shouldn't win this Razzie, too. Then again, there's always Stallone, who is nominated for -- as the Razzie committee notes -- "99.5% of everything he's ever done." Quotes Joey: "even if Shore does eventually win, Stallone could be a contender."

As for the yearly awards, top honors -- top dishonors, at least -- went to Star Wars: Episode I, which netted 7 separate nominations in the 8 categories specific to 1999 (it was also cited, remember, for an 8th nomination in "Worst New Actor of the Decade"). Perhaps more fitting than this anti-Lucas backlash was the rightful revulsion at the summer's most disappointing movie, Wild Wild West, the Kevin Kline/Will Smith flick that managed to snag 8 nominations in 8 categories (including a double-nom in "Worst Supporting Actress" -- it was "snubbed," as if that's a bad thing, in "Worst Actress.").

Joey told me that in his opinion one of the least fair nominations in the Raspberry list is the choice of Pierce Brosnan/Denise Richards for "Worst Screen Couple."

"Denise Richards, with her flat acting 'style' (if it can be called that), tried her very best to ruin Brosnan's best Bond outing so far -- The World is Not Enough," he said, "yet the final nod in that category should go to a duo whose bad acting complemented each other and combined to form one big hunk of awfulness that outstripped the individual hideousness of each actor's performance. Brosnan, far from being a poor performance, was gold in that film."

Brosnan was left virtually untouched by the Razzie nominators -- though Richards may yet win "Worst Supporting Actress." The original Bond, the incomparable Sean Connery, was placed in a similar situation: nomination for "Worst Screen Couple" with Catherine Zeta-Jones, who is also nominated for "Worst Actress" based on her work in Entrapment and The Haunting.

This led Joey down another road of speculation: if Roger Moore were to film a movie this year, co-starring with Salma Hayek (nominated for "Worst Supporting Actress" in Wild Wild West and Dogma), would that be too much for the Razzies to pass up in 2001? What if it were Timothy Dalton playing opposite Star Wars' Natalie Portman? Further, who would the villain be? Certainly not Kenneth Branagh, whose Wild Wild West nomination for "Worst Supporting Actor" is hardly a surprise. Perhaps someone in the tradition of the late Gert Fröbe, whose nonchalant performance as Goldfinger set the standard for Bond villains and who would have celebrated his birthday today. A large and imposing actor capable of sending chills down the spine of moviegoers, whose every serious line makes them quake in their boots.

Joey's got an idea to pitch when John Goodman shows up. And the Raspberry Committee will have a dabba-doo time, a dabba-doo time, they'll have a gay old time.

Portions of this article ran in the 25 February 2000 edition of The Crusader. The first two paragraphs were shoehorned into the ending of Mike Terlizzi's "Monkeys in Canada!!!" column on page 11 (first page of Features section); the next five were printed, without a byline, in a box on page 12, under the headline "Razzies Hit Rock Bottom." Readers were invited to "see the Crusader on-line" for the conclusion.