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As students begin thinking toward Easter Break and term papers, The Crusader prepares to close up shop for the academic year. We may even be so bold as to project a stop to the seemingly-neverending volley of angry Chuck D missives.
BROCKLESBY
THE FROSH
24 September ’99
1 October ’99
12 November ’99
19 November ’99
28 January ’00
4 February ’00
18 February ’00
25 February ’00
3 March ’00
24 March ’00
7 April ’00
14 April ’00
This column (a refugee from Features’ spring cleaning) can be expected to stand with its former comrades, for whatever that’s worth. Joey’s pretty handy with a pool cue or an umbrella, if it comes to blows.
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COMMENTS ON THE PASSING PARADE
Features Fights to the Finish (and Other Scenes from Hogan 2)
By Michael J. Ballway
CRUSADER STAFF WRITER
B
ig changes are brewing on Hogan 2. Fully a month before school ends, goodbyes are being said and trenches are being dug for the great conflict that will end Holy Cross media as we know it. As students begin thinking toward Easter Break and term papers, The Crusader prepares to close up shop for the academic year. Next Friday will come and go without bold headlines proclaiming various administration goings-on, without "Purple Pennings," without twin Letters from the Editors. We may even be so bold as to project a stop to the seemingly-neverending volley of angry Chuck D missives. The sudden revelation of this fact prompted cries of anguish from your loyal correspondent's loyal Freshman companion, Joey Brocklesby, the omnipresent aught-three from Hanselman. As we munched on our Lenten fish filet sandwiches, I tried to console him but met with limited success. I told him about how even I, who write for the paper, was a little shocked to find that it was closing down so early -- and without the humor-oriented Tomahawk issue that pokes fun at Holy Cross events each year. I told him that I, like many students, would really miss the sarcasm and silliness. "Really?" he asked, not even believing his ears. "You write for the paper?" Broaching the awkward silence that followed, I dropped an even bigger bomb on Joey: some of The Crusader's best-known writers won't be back next year. Two issues ago the Features staff paid tribute to departing columnist Mike Terlizzi, widely regarded as Holy Cross' resident comedic genius and, as legend would have it, the man who originally introduced humor to the native population of khaki-clad Econ majors. After four years, Terlizzi is moving on, taking his one-man newsprint demolition act with him and leaving us only his legacy: countless column inches dedicated to ALF will never be reclaimed; entire headlines proclaiming the presence of killer monkeys in the Province of Québec will never be de-sensationalized; the petty traumas inflicted upon thousands of newly-enrolled Freshmen by dissertations on his roommates' back hair will never be forgotten. This campus may never recover from Terlizzi, and for the better. For all of his outrageous bluster (the late-January assertion, for example, that "girls just aren't funny"), Mike (or "Michael Terlizzi," as he preferred to be called) was usually entertaining and always good for a chuckle or two -- even when it was a nervous laugh of bewilderment brought on by one of Terlizzi's trademark incomprehensible introspective (or disturbingly esoteric) columns. At his best, Terlizzi examined the "Oddities on the Hill" in a two-year, four-part series of columns about topics ranging from Fenwick 5 to Rob Flowers. Over the summer, Joey will miss Film Futures and Seven Days, Weekly Picks and all the little sidebars that hide among the Cambria, Spoth, Spears, and Florio articles of Features. Missing even upon return will be Cambria, Spoth, Spears, and Florio. "Why do they have to leave?" begged a tearful Brocklesby on that April afternoon. I explained to him that Terlizzi, Cambria, Spoth, and Florio are all seniors and will graduate in June ("a likely story," said Joey, who is a freshman and doesn't comprehend such hard realities). Spears will be abroad next year -- though she returns in 2001. Joey, however, saw right through my easy answers and glimpsed the truth: "Quit lying to me," he said, "someone's forcing them out!" Why Terlizzi, Cambria, Spoth, Spears, Florio? The common denominator, of course, is Features. Someone has an axe to grind with Features, and Joey thinks he knows who it is. Sports Section's light jabs at the queen of Page 11 ("Basketball? They play that in college?" as fearless leader RaeJean Spears' pick for the Final Four; "Knicks over Broncos" as her pick for the World Series) are only symptoms of a wider and deeper contempt for the non-contact entertainment beat. Further, they beg for bloody retaliation, the sort that Joey's reconnaissance suggests will most likely take the form of corrosive purple ink capable of burning the hands of the hapless James Greene reader while sparing those who only read the black-and-white text of the now-defunct "Monkeys, Ninjas, and Midgets." Alternatively, rumors abound of a plan by Features crown prince Tim O'Coin '02 to distribute thousands of Blue Jays caps to the Hill-dwelling community in a maniacal plot to make the Red Sox/Mets/Yankees-following scribes feel irrelevant (and, as a side benefit, encourage posters on the DailyJolt to talk more about erstwhile Sports chief Jaime de Leon). A third course of action, classified top-secret, was leaked directly to this reporter, who was told that it was dismissed as being inhumane. All I can say about it was that it involved something called "Sports Horoscopes." And what of Opinions? Where does your correspondent's section stand on the upcoming conflict? Discretion is advised when it comes to this Features-versus-Sports clash, and despite boasting the most verbose writers on the paper, poor Opinions simply lacks the firepower to join this fight, unless Scifo can get Ace (er, Rob) and Gary on our side. News Section can always claim impartiality, but quite obviously these vitriolic pages can make no such cop-out. This column (a refugee from Features' spring cleaning) can be expected to stand with its former comrades, for whatever that's worth. Joey's pretty handy with a pool cue or an umbrella, if it comes to blows. Regardless of the outcome of the impending civil war (my Final Four bracket shows Golden State over the Nordiques in five, with a dramatic late-inning Hail Mary pass in Yankee Stadium, or possibly the Astrodome), Holy Cross readers can expect an interesting (if bruised) product upon resumption of publication in September. And if you hear wild noises on Hogan 2 in the next few weeks, don't call in the peacekeeping troops ... it's probably just Terlizzi and Cambria enjoying their last few weeks on staff. As long as they keep the killer Québecois monkeys from writing letters about Chuck D, I say, let them have their fun. This article was written for, but did not appear in, the 14 April 2000 edition of The Crusader. |