15 September 2000
Automotive Lebensraum
JB vs. parking lot expansion.

22 September 2000
Football Returns to HC
JB vs. the Harvard Crimson.

29 September 2000
West of the Hudson
JB vs. people from 'flyover territory.'

6 October 2000
Americans Under Attack
JB vs. hurtful stereotypes.

27 October 2000
The Silverware Bandit
JB vs. law and order, Kimball-style.

3 November 2000
ITS Alive
JB vs. the college's Napster policy.

10 November 2000
Hail to the Chief
JB vs. Gore vs. Bush vs. Nader.

17 November 2000
Complaints, Complaints
JB vs. student government.

2 February 2001
The Semester Ahead
JB vs. anticipated 'senior nostalgia.'

16 February 2001
Unequal Equivalency
JB vs. Crossroads' capitalist pigs.

23 February 2001
Xcess of Xtreme
JB vs. the WWF's Vince McMahon.

2 March 2001
The Eve of Spring Break
JB vs. brainwashing cults.

30 March 2001
Losing the Lottery
JB vs. on-campus housing selection.

30 March 2001
The Greatest Rivalry Ever
JB vs. Major League Baseball.

6 April 2001
Door-to-Door Campaigning
JB vs. campus elections '01.

27 April 2001
Crunch Time
JB vs. the Soggies.

4 May 2001
Crusade for a Better Paper
MB vs. Brocklesby's evil plan.

Will he be able to maintain his stunning 2.5 grade-point average? Will he be able to maintain his spotless (well, so far this year anyway) criminal record? Will the peer pressure of St. Patrick's Day prove too much for him and yank him off the wagon? Will he finally succumb to trendiness and buy a shirt from Abercrombie? Or perhaps Fitch? What other interesting predicaments will he encounter and suffer through as the year wears on?

Joey refused to answer these questions, leaving me only to speculate about some other events that might happen in the next semester:

January 31: In the midst of its ongoing search for the Silverware Bandit, Kimball Dining Services is chagrined to find that its nemesis has gone on to bigger and more expensive targets when Kimball Theater suddenly disappears. Handfuls, if not dozens, of students itching to see The Tao of Steve are crestfallen. Well, maybe one dozen. Mildly disappointed. Maybe.

February 10: In a stunning and unexpected move, President McFarland agrees to remove the infamous Black Rails from the Kimball Quad. SGA Co-Chairs convene an emergency meeting to decide on a new complaint.

February 11: SGA announces a demand to raze Carlin and Alumni in order to free up more space for frisbee-playing on the Quad.

February 14: The masters of Holy Cross opinion are stymied once again when the "hook-up campus," renowned for its lack of dating, suddenly gets all lovey-dovey.

February 16: With two weeks to go until Spring Break, an unidentified Loyola resident is heard saying "I could really use Spring Break this weekend."

February 17: 100 Days dance and banquet. Senior nostalgia reaches critical levels.

February 19: President McFarland, outraged to learn that Holy Cross does not commemorate Presidents' Day, suggests a mandatory-attendance Mass.

February 23: With one week to go until Spring Break, an unidentified Loyola resident is heard saying "I could really use Spring Break this weekend."

March 3: Final Spring Break for the aught-ones. Senior nostalgia reaches dangerous levels.

March 11: Toting luggage back into his room, an unidentified Loyola resident is heard saying "I could really use Spring Break next weekend."

March 17: A Healy RA reports "liquor confiscation" in the Public Safety Blotter; Holy Cross community is shocked and scandalized.

March 21: First day of spring. Public Safety officers emerge from their minivans and take their terror-inspiring rides on bicycles instead.

March 23: Sibs Weekend. Students unsaddled with kid siblings get a good laugh out of their friends' attempts at cleaning up their language around the impressionable youngsters.

March 31: Residents of Clark 1 celebrate their 500th false fire alarm of the last two years by destroying every Johnny Cash CD they can find. Mulledy residents look on in envy.

April 2: Yankees defeat Baltimore in their season opener. "World Champs 2001" T-shirts appear on campus.

April 3: Mets beat Atlanta. Public Safety records fifteen instances of property damage justified by "subway series" talk.

April 23: Kimball serves its last "Chicken Footballs" of the school year. Senior nostalgia reaches deadly levels.

May 1: "Study Week" begins.

May 3: Three days later, "Study Week" ends.

May 11: Semester ends and all but the Seniors leave (promptly -- by 6 p.m.).

There you have it, Holy Cross, your 2001 Spring Semester. As of today, there are only sixteen weeks left, two of which are vacations. Use them wisely.

This article ran in the 2 February 2001 edition of The Crusader, on page 15 (fifth page of Features section).