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We were enjoying dinner when he suddenly yelled out, ‘Crossroads equivalency is the tool of the ruling class!’
BROCKLESBY
THE WISE FOOL
15 September 2000
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Only one conclusion can be drawn -- that this is part of an all-out effort to weaken the student body until it cannot resist more of these sinister ‘solutions.’
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COMMENTS ON THE PASSING PARADE
Unequal Equivalency
By Michael J. Ballway
CRUSADER FEATURES STAFF
A
great revolution is on the horizon, and I feel it is my duty as your faithful correspondent to warn you, the Holy Cross student, about its impending reign of terror. It was brought to my attention by the Stalinist sophomore himself, Joey Brocklesby, Loyola's top preacher of the proletariat and culinary connoisseur to boot. We were enjoying a nutritious dinner of Big Mouth Burgers when he suddenly yelled out "Crossroads equivalency is the tool of the ruling class!" As Freshman table-wipers scurried in fear, I asked him for a quieter elaboration. "It's a pox on this school, I tell you," he said. "It creates problems, tears friendships apart, and increases the level of fragmentation among us students on the Hill. It's separating me from my roommate, my study-buddies, even that guy down the hall who sometimes stops by to watch WWF with us and mooch off our Doritos stash." And here I thought it was providing the students with another option. "That's exactly how they phrase it, to sucker you in," he replied, quick as a fox. "But what happens when you get these 'other options'? I'll tell you what happens. People take them! I haven't seen my buddies in two weeks!" I told Joey that you can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs, despite Kimball Brunch's fervent attempts at doing so (no dice, guys -- I wouldn't call that an "omelet" even if you put a gun to my head). That is, the march of progress always tramples a few bystanders. Joey, the man ostracized by his friends, should console himself with the knowledge that he is not being forgotten in vain, that the Crossroads equivalency is opening new doors for students and bringing more people together even as it separates him from his friends. I told him that Crossroads equivalency was the best new idea to hit Kimball since napkin baskets and ketchup dispensers. "Sure," he said, "side with the Bosses, fine. I knew you would, with your bourgeois History-major sentimentalities. Wake up, fools, and recognize the barbarian at the gate! This New Meal Plan business is but a ploy!" Joey was getting quite loud and I wasn't sure what to do. He jumped up on one of the chairs and whipped out a small crimson volume from which he proceeded to lecture to the rapidly dwindling populations of the neighboring tables. "... they are nothing but bourgeois constructs, these distinctions between 'Upper' and 'Lower,'" Joey was preaching. "The Bosses in Fenwick, the real source of our tyranny, they introduce these divisions among students in order to set us against one another, to endlessly quibble over the merits of the Upper entree and needlessly fight over whether we will brave, for example, what they call 'Yankee Pot Roast,' or if we will subject ourselves to the ridiculous overpricing of their precious 'Food Court' -- which is neither food nor court! "Some 'food,' I say, as it varies in quality -- or lack thereof. Some 'court,' I say, for where is the freedom in only $5 of equivalency? Where is the liberty in a deli line that only stocks three meats? Where is the justice when equivalency is raised by a paltry few cents, only to see food prices rise at a corresponding rate? "And now they give us yet a third choice -- this Crossroads equivalency. What is this but another ploy to divide the student body! Not a class-day can end, not an afternoon sports practice can cease, not a practicum can be dismissed, without a group of students struggling against each other, should it be Lower, or Upper, or now even Crossroads. "Struggling against each other, when the real enemy drives his Cadillac home, unscathed, unhated, unidentified! These are our real foes, comrades: not your brethren in Lower or Crossroads, but the Administration Bosses. I tell you, dear friends, the history of all hitherto existing meal plans has been a history of Class Struggle--" At which some wag blurted out that class struggle was actually the history of Stein Hall. Ignoring me, Joey continued unfazed: "it has been a well-fought battle, but the Bosses hold the upper hand. Look, they even recruit your fellow students to clean their dishes and 'cook' their 'meals' in the Kimball kitchen." But, I asked him, isn't Crossroads equivalency only giving the students more options, and isn't that good? "The greatest good is Student Unity," responded Joey, "and that is why the Administration's Crossroads plan is so deviously ingenious. They have snared a group of students that they had never provoked before -- the commuter students. Before equivalency, these commuters had Crossroads all to themselves. But now, with the new meal plan, they can complain and resent the carpetbagger resident students who are crowding their Crossroads." Surely the Administration had only the best of intentions in mind, I said, unmoved by Joey's passionate speech. "If this is so," he said, "why did they offer a third option on weekday afternoons and not open Crossroads equivalency as a second option during Lower's vacant hours, late at night and on weekends? If the Administration clearly intended this move to give students real choice, they would have offered us students an alternative to Upper during its monopoly hours. They have chosen not to do this, and thus only one conclusion can be drawn -- that this is part of an all-out effort to weaken the student body until it cannot resist more of these sinister Administration 'solutions.'" Come to think of it, I had been wondering about that. Crossroads provided the only alternative to Upper only 7 1/2 hours per week, while it existed as a third option 22 1/2 hours. Upper had two full days (the weekends) of monopoly, during which the students had no choice. Why were such odd hours chosen, unless their aim was to annoy the commuter students and divide the residents three ways instead of two? "The Revolution is approaching," Joey told me before heading off to the Investors' Club meeting. "They cannot keep us divided forever. We will rise up against the Bosses and take this school for ourselves, creating a haven of justice, togetherness, and free Napster for all. Yes, comrade, free Napster! Have you heard the latest Howie Day bootleg? Cathy was playing it the other day. Really, you must download it. ..." This article ran in the 16 February 2001 edition of The Crusader, on pages 11 (front page of Features section) and 13. |