15 September 2000
Automotive Lebensraum
JB vs. parking lot expansion.

22 September 2000
Football Returns to HC
JB vs. the Harvard Crimson.

29 September 2000
West of the Hudson
JB vs. people from 'flyover territory.'

6 October 2000
Americans Under Attack
JB vs. hurtful stereotypes.

27 October 2000
The Silverware Bandit
JB vs. law and order, Kimball-style.

3 November 2000
ITS Alive
JB vs. the college's Napster policy.

10 November 2000
Hail to the Chief
JB vs. Gore vs. Bush vs. Nader.

17 November 2000
Complaints, Complaints
JB vs. student government.

2 February 2001
The Semester Ahead
JB vs. anticipated 'senior nostalgia.'

16 February 2001
Unequal Equivalency
JB vs. Crossroads' capitalist pigs.

23 February 2001
Xcess of Xtreme
JB vs. the WWF's Vince McMahon.

2 March 2001
The Eve of Spring Break
JB vs. brainwashing cults.

30 March 2001
Losing the Lottery
JB vs. on-campus housing selection.

30 March 2001
The Greatest Rivalry Ever
JB vs. Major League Baseball.

6 April 2001
Door-to-Door Campaigning
JB vs. campus elections '01.

27 April 2001
Crunch Time
JB vs. the Soggies.

I realize that it's very amusing to make fun of the professors and the administration. Oooh, Father So-and-So is such a strict grader! Oooh, Dean Whatsisname had better stop clogging up my email box! Ha, ha, ha. But we cannot go on ignoring, however, the true problem on this campus.

The newspaper.

Now, this is no knock on The Crusader or on the well-written column that usually appears in this space. Especially not the well-written column that usually appears in this space. Or its writer, dashingly handsome, superhumanly intelligent charmer that he is. Modest, too.

However, it came to my attention this semester that The Crusader was in a pretty sorry state. The free-newspaper racks in the dorms a few weeks ago were a real eye-opener to me. I looked at what the competition was doing -- full text and analysis of George Bush speeches in the Times, six articles a day on the Red Sox in the Globe, and in USA Today ... an entire page of news you don't care about, with a paragraph from every State in the country!

By contrast, The Crusader started to look a bit ... I don't want to say it, but amateur. At times it seemed like we had two Red Sox beat writers, while at other times great sports stories -- like Hideo Nomo's no-hitter, or Manny Ramirez' over-the-Monster dinger in his first Fenway home game, or the record-setting 2,457th consecutive home game in which the right-field grandstand chanted "Yankees suck" for no apparent reason -- went unchronicled.

Meanwhile the elections coverage had depth, but completely omitted the "hanging/swinging/dimpled/pregnant Chad Stimmler" controversy. Melissa and Jerry's inaugural ball received so little attention that I almost don't think there was one, and let's not even start on the controversial cabinet appointments.

Thinking that the newspaper could improve if only it identified its problems, I emailed the current Editors-in-Chief and repeatedly urged them to adopt my reforms to make the newspaper a more comprehensive source of information. After my frequent attempts at confronting them in Kimball and on the way to classes failed, I put behind me the angry "no comment" responses, and the restraining order, and decided to move on.

I then decided that what The Crusader needs is new management. That is why I have decided to install myself as Grand High Exalted Editor/Publisher/Deity for the 2001-'02 school year. My hired shock troops will help me enforce my iron will (I pity the fool who tries to mess with Mr. T!) and my fifth column of inside men, who have supported me from the start, will undermine native resistance to my plans. One such subversive, in fact the cornerstone of the operation, met with me recently to discuss his support for my takeover bid.

"It's a dumb idea," said Crusader Features columnist Mike Ballway '02. "You'll never stage a military coup at the newspaper. Believe me, I've tried it there and at WCHC, and recently also at the Italian Club. It simply cannot be done. Nobody at Holy Cross really cares enough to join a good, solid, totalitarian fascist movement these days. Here, why don't you just say something silly and harmless so I can write a funny article about it. Like the Kimball knife shortage, that always works. Say something funny about the Kimball knife shortage."

No, I told him, I wasn't going to be his stooge and I wasn't going to call off my attack just because he was throwing his stupid logic at me. Silly quotations -- is that what Mike thinks quality journalism is? Attention-grabbing headlines and outrageous lead sentences?

Wait, I said, he's on to something. That is quality journalism.

I changed my mind. We don't need to be the in-depth Paper of Record. I quickly outlined a new plan to him, a blueprint for a Crusader that might finally break the 11% barrier and perhaps (I know I'm dreaming) actually get read by twelve percent of the student body.

This is what you'll see in next year's Crusader. When you think of the professional press, of what high-selling New York journal do you think? That's right -- the New York Post. Why spend all the time and effort on better reporting when all you need to do is write better headlines?

Not to give away the farm (excuse me -- that should have read "not to TELL ALL in a SHOCKING EXPOSE"), but I'm very excited about some of the headlines I've got lined up for next year-

"VOLPE, MURRAY IN HOT SEAT OVER INCONSEQUENTIAL ISSUE"

"LIGHTEN UP, MAYOR MARIANO!"

"CRUSADER EXCLUSIVE: NOBODY ELSE WANTED THIS STORY"

And, of course, "MCFARLAND TO MICHAEL: HELP US, JACKO!"

This article ran in 2001 edition of the school newspaper's annual satire edition, 'The Inquisitor,' on page 9 (third page of Features section), across from Tim O'Coin's -- or "Timmah! O.C.'s" -- sarcastic tribute to disaster-flick director Roland Emmerich.