Degrassi Mania

DEGRASSI JUNIOR HIGH

Home
Degrassi The Next Generation
Degrassi High : School's Out
Degrassi High
DEGRASSI JUNIOR HIGH
About Us
Visit LIVING IN THE PAST
Contact Me
DEGRASSI Extras

DEGRASSI JUNIOR HIGH EPISODE GUIDE:
 
 

file0036.jpg
Junior High Jezebel Stephanie Kaye

SEASON ONE EPISODE GUIDE:
 
* KISS ME, STEPH: It's a new school year and Stephanie Kaye decides she's going to start:
 
A. Dressing like a teen whore
B. Giving all the guys in eighth grade blue balls
C. Run For Class President
D. All Of The Above
 
If you said "D" - ding ding ding!
 
Steph's nerdy best friend Voula is clearly aghast as she watches Stephanie change from her "good girl clothes" into her tube top and mini skirt, tease her hair up to the moon and lay on the war paint. Stephanie wants to celebrate "the new year" by getting as much attention as possible. And what better way to do that than to run for Class President? Steph figures all the guys will vote for her. Some of the guys need persuading though and that's when Wheels pipes up "If I get a kiss I'll vote for ya, Steph!"   so Steph sweetens the deal by giving a kiss to any guy who promises to vote for her (This scene has always bothered me because the guys all run up to Steph and give her a little peck on the cheek like they would if they were kissing their grandmas. Only Wheels gets out of hand, peering down Steph's top and waving his fist and shouting an approving "Aww Yeah!", proving, once and for all, that Wheels is the only "real man" in the bunch!)
 
Steph DOES end up winning the race with the help of Voula (A montage scene shows Steph fixing her hair and make-up and primping in a mirror while Voula does all the work) . Then when Steph makes her acceptance speech she goes out of her way to thank.....Joey. D'oh! Voula is crushed and "breaks up" with Steph calling her "a selfish baby". Steph has "won"....But at what cost?!
 
Mistakes In This Episode:
 
One of The Twins is called "Stacey" when Ms Avery takes attendence.
 
Liz is seen in a classroom scene even though the "Liz" charactor is not supposed to be introduced to us until the future episode GREAT EXPECTATION where she plays "the new girl".
 
Many kids are seen in the wrong classrooms during this episode.
 
Bad DEGRASSI Fashion:
 
Snake is wearing an awesome IRON MAIDEN t-shirt but he's paired it with a hideous pair of turqouise clamdiggers (Hey, Snake: Where's the flood?)
 
Voula's glasses: The frames are HUGE! Okay, Voula is a nerd. We GET it!
 
Arthur and Yick's HUGE Walkie-Talkies. No wonder The Twins laugh at them!
 
Memorable DEGRASSI Quotes:
 
Steph (to brother Arthur): It's "The System". i'm in Grade 8 so I'm "important".
          You're in Grade 7 so you're like....."totally embaressing".
- - - - -
Arthur (to Yick): Two heads are better than one. Unless you've only got one hat.
- - - - -
Snake (singing and playing guitar in front of school):
           My name is Snake
           Make no mistake
           To you I sez
           "I wanna be prez!"
- - - - -
Joey (to Steph): Joey Jeremiah - Playboy at your service. Wanna play?
- - - - -
Steph (to Joey and Hank): For Heaven's sake, leave Arthur alone!
 
Joey: You know this gurp?
 
Steph: Well...Sort of...Maybe...No...Just leave him alone, okay?!
- - - - -
(Repeated Chant): All The Way With Stephanie Kaye!
- - - - -
Look For:
 
Hank - cute, blonde guy who is helping Joey stuff people into lockers
 
Liz - who isn't supposed to be in the school yet. Oops!
 
Annie - chick wearing red beret and '80s New Wave make-up who is making disgusted faces during Stephanie's speech
 
Wai Lee - Chubby, dorky-looking, Asian kid
 
Joy: really dark-skinned, black girl who sometimes pops up in episodes - Here she is watching Joey stuff Arthur into a locker
 
I Cant Help but Wonder: Did Voula have a girl-crush on Stephanie? Look at the way she lovingly gazes at her when Steph says they are "a team"
 
* THE BIG DANCE: Voula is so excited! She's going to the big school dance! At least she THINKS she is. Her strict father tells her otherwise. He tells Voula she is too young to be going to dances where dirty boys think of just one thing! He  tells her that "Life is like a flower - Let it unfold". Then he forbids her to go to the dance.
 
The DEGRASSI kids have been raising money for a charity and Voula is supposed to be the one to present the charity with a check the night of the school dance. Because Voula won't be there to enjoy this dubious honor everyone decides to let Class President Stephanie Kaye present the check. Stephanie accepts...but is much more excited about the opportunity to seduce Wheels at the dance than she is about presenting a check to some dumb charity.
 
Stephanie wants to win Wheels over with her wiley, womanly ways so she goes to Lucy's house to change into her trampy clothes. Surprise Surprise: X-best friend Voula is there! She had lied to her father about where she was going to be tonight and is sneaking out to the dance. Oh, Voula: You rebel!
 
When Voula sees Stephanie she leaves. Soon enough Stephanie and The Twins Heather and Erica notice that Lucy's parents (who aren't home)  were nice enough to leave the liquor out and wthin reach!
 
So Lucy, Heather and Erica proceed to get trashed and then they stagger over to the school with Lucy singing the "Degrassi Junior High We Love You" song, giggling and acting like fools. Stephanie dives on Wheels, who apparently looks "sooo sexy" and "smells like oven cleaner". They dance around until Stephanie realizes she has to do the dreaded technicolor yawn and bolts for the ladies room where she throws up and then laments about how she'll never be able to face Wheels again. Someone reminds her that she still has to make the speech in front of whole school and Stephanie slides to the bathroom floor whimpering "I can't. Oh, I can't. I can't do it. Somebody else has to do it".
 
Lucy grabs Voula and tells her she has to present the check. Just as Voula gets up to the podium and starts to give her speech her father walks into the dance and he drags Voula  out of there.
 
Stephanie feels awful: Not only did she screw up everything but she may have ruined all her chances with "sexy" Wheels!
 
Memorable DEGRASSI Quotes:
 
Voula's Poppa: I don't want my little girl dancing with boy who got only One Thing
                       on mind! ........ Life is like a flower. Let it unfold.
- - - - -
Joey (to Steph): Did I ever tell you I was a great dancer? When Jeremiah hits the
                        floor they ALWAYS ask for more!
- - - - -
Lucy: It's all how you bring up parents. You've gotta educate them or they'll walk
         all over you.
- - - - -
Voula's Poppa: Be home by nine turdy, okay?
- - - - -
Voula's Poppa: Remember: Home by nine turdy. If you're not home by nine turdy
                       I'm coming!
- - - - -
Mr Raditch: Good evening, Guys and Gals. Welcome to the DEGRASSI JUNIOR
                  HIGH Benefit Dance To Raise Funds For A Foster Child. I'm your
                  disc jockey Rompin' Rockin' Raditch. that's right! And I'll be playing
                  the kind of music you want to hear!
- - - - -
Twin 1: Wow! Look at all these bottles! Too bad we can't get "splashed".
 
Lucy: If you wanna drink go ahead.
 
Twin 2: What about your parents?
 
Lucy: Oh, they're loose.
 
Twins 1 & 2: PA-ARTY!
- - - - -
Heather (holding up bottle of vodka): Vodkan I do for you?
- - - - -
Lucy (hanging up phone after talking to mother) Mom says "Hi".
 
Steph, Heather and Erica (drunk and obnoxious): Hiiiii, Mommmmm!
- - - - -
Steph: Wheels, you are sooooo sexy. (sniff) Are you wearing mosquito repellant?
- - - - -
Steph (end of episode): I feel like such a broomhead!
 
* THE EXPERIMENT: Mr Raditch has been busting Yick's balls lately and been referring to him as "Mr Yu The Disorganized" and Yick has had it up to here (holds hand up under chin). He crys to Arthur that Mr Raditch is being totally unfair and picks on him because he has it out for him. Arthur reminds Yick that he ISN'T that great a student and that he IS disorganized but Yick is not having it. He says that Mr Raditch is being biased and stereotyping him (I will take a moment to point out the irony here, as Yick Yu, as the name would suggest, is an Asian boy - and when people stereotype Asian boys it's usually way on the other side of the spectrym: as good-grade-getting over-achievers)
 
Yick wants to do an experiment and hand in someone else's work and claim it as his own just to see if Mr Raditch will give it a bad grade just because it is handed in by Yick. Coincidently, Arthur's sister Stephanie (Yes, School Tramp -  Class President Stephanie) still has all her past tests and term papers in a neat little folder in her room (Don't we ALL?!)  and she gives an essay to Arthur for Yick to copy.
 
Yick hands in the paper and not only does it get a good grade, it gets a GREAT grade. Even BETTER than the grade it got when Stephanie handed it in last year!
 
Yick, still trying to prove to Arthur that Mr Raditch is The Devil asks to borrow ANOTHER one of Stephanie's papers. Arthur says "Once is an experiment to prove a point. But twice is cheating" but Yick keeps begging and so Arthur gets him another one of Stephanie's papers.
 
This time it doesn't go so well. Mr Raditch recognizes the paper and fumes "HOW DID YOU GET STEPHANIE KAYE'S PAPER???"
 
Yick gets detention and has to write an essay on The Evils Of Cheating or something but this all works out in the end because it gives Mr Raditch and Yick a chance to have a heart to heart and to agree to try to treat eachother with more respect.
 
By the way, while this is all going on Good Girl Melanie is complaining to b*tchy Kathleen that junior high school is nowhere near as cool as she thought it would be. She then implys she might be interested in experimenting with DRUGS! Joey overhears the conversation and offers to sell the girls drugs. The "drugs" Joey sells them are really vitamin pills but you would never know it by the way Melanie and Kathleen are acting spacey and going "Cool. Verrry cool. Mild. Verrry mild". Soon Kathleen and Melanie are bringing even MORE stupid kids to Joey to buy his fabulous "New Zealand Zappers" / Flintstone Vitamins. 
 
When they find out Joey hoodwinked them they are none too pleased and demand their money back. Joey says that he should be able to keep the money because he taught them a valuable lesson and "lesson's don't come cheap". The whole gang of  would-be druggies chases Joey down the hall - Yes, even the chick in the wheelchair! They end up stripping him of all his clothes but his tightie whities and throwing him in a broom closet.
 
Memorable DEGRASSI Quotes:
 
Steph: Stay away from me, Arthur. If anybody finds out you're my brother you're
          gonna wish you were never hatched.
- - - - -
Joey (to Arthur): Hey, Artie-Smartie, I hear your mother re-calling you!
- - - - -
Melanie: You know what, Kathleen? Junior High is a lot different than what I
              thought it would be.
 
Kathleen: Yeah. Too much homework!
 
Melanie: Not THAT! PARTIES! I thought there'd be parties! Lots of parties! Not
             "political parties" but REAL parties with music and boys and potato
              chips......
 
Kathleen: And dancing.
 
Melanie: And DRUGS! My Mom warned me all summer Junior High is full of
              drugs. I haven't seen ANY!
 
Kathleen: Melanie! You'd really try drugs?!
 
Melanie: Oh yeah. Ferr Sure. Wouldn't you?
 
Kathleen: Ummm...Yeah. Sure.
 
* THE COVER-UP: Joey's mother cleans his room without his permission (!) and throws out his ratty old jean jacket. The same one he was going to wear for Class Picture Day! Bad Boy Rick - who NEVER smiles - offers to sell Joey a jean jacket. Joey goes to Rick's dumpy house where Rick offers him a soda - the last one! - and goes to look for the jacket. Rick's father walks in and is clearly pissed that Rick has "company". Then he opens up the refrigerator and all Hell breaks lose: "WHERE THE HELL IS THE SODA????? A MAN COMES HOME FROM BUSTING HIS HUMP ALL DAY AND HE CAN'T EVEN COME BACK TO HIS CASTLE AND HAVE A FRICKIN' SODA????" (Okay: I'm paraphrasing here. But the guy really does tweak out over a frickin' soda).
 
Joey leaves but not before overhearing Rick get beat down by his father. This includes a lot of those  fake-y sounding "fight noises" we always hear on shows like this, like Rick screaming "No, Dad, No!"
 
The next day at school Joey asks Doris Bell, a member of the school staff what he should do if he knows a friend is being beaten by their parent. The second Joey walks out of the room the woman is on the phone calling the authorities on Joey's parents, who she thinks are beating on Joey.
 
A social worker with realllllllly bad '80s fashion sense (he loooks like a cross between HOWARD JONES and that guy from A FLOCK OF SEAGULLS) goes to Joey's house to ask Joey questions. When he sees Rick, who shows up at the house with Joey,  he figures out Rick is the kid who is being abused and has Rick taken out of his father's house. Rick moves in with his older brother Frank.
 
Now all throughout this episode Caitlin and Susie, who both think Rick is "sooo cute",  have noticed that Rick NEVER smiles so they go out of their way to bump into him in the hallway in between classes and try to make him smile by doing the corniest sh*t imaginable. They tell him groaner jokes like "Why did the frog cross the road? Because it was the chicken's day off" and put on plastic pig noses and "oink" at him. None of this SHOULD have made Rick smile and they are quite fortunate that doing these things didn't make Rick throw them a much-deserved beating. He does, however, smile when he tells Joey he has moved in with his brother and escaped the wrath of his looney toons Dad.
 
The B story involves everyone getting ready for Photo Day. Joey wants to wear a jean jacket, LD wants to wear a baseball cap ("Really classy!") and Steph wants to dress like a slut....Until Voula points out that Stephanie's Mom is gonna FREAK when she sees Steph dressed like a two bit whore in the pictures. Steph must decide if she wants to be photographed in her "school clothes" or "good girl clothes". In the end she decides "I gotta be me" and wears the tramp rags.
 
Memorable DEGRASSI Quotes:
 
Dad: What?! What did you say, PUNK?! Don't you ever talk back to me again!
       (He lunges at Rick)
 
Rick: No, Dad, No!
- - - - -
Voula: You'd better be careful, Stephanie. It wouldn't look good for The School
           President to be seen talking to a lowly peasant like me.
 
Steph: Voula!
 
Voula: Is that how you're gonna dress for Photo Day?
 
Steph: Of course.
 
Voula: Bet you Mom's gonna love seeing those pictures. Or doesn't she know
           about your "new image"?
- - - - -
Joey (after his Mom cleans his room without his "permission": You know what
        THIS is?! Child abuse!
- - - - -
Dad (looking in fridge for soda): Ricky, I thought we had something to drink in
       here. There were two left. Where have they gone? ........ You think we can
       afford to give stuff to every little punk you know? ........ (he lunges at Rick)
 
Rick: ........ No, Dad, No!
 
* THE GREAT RACE: LD arranges for the boys soccer team to have a swimming relay race with the girls swim team when the guys make smart-a** remarks about girls not being as good athletes as boys.  The girls are a cinch to win because they have star swimmer Melanie on their team. But wait: Melanie has recently developed a crush on Snake and has suddenly become fixated on her boobage (Thanks for the mammaries!) which leads to her and LD going to the department store to buy Melanie the bra she so "desperately" needs. There is a lot of girlisih giggling as the two shop for a bra for Melanie.
 
Melanie wears her bra to school the next day and is looking a lot perkier than usual. This leads to guys snapping her bra straps and asking "Got a tissue?"
 
When someone mentions the swimming race Melanie is HORRIFIED at the thought of  getting in a bathing suit without a bra aiding in holding and lifting and seperating or whatever the Hell it is Melanie wants the bra to do to give her miracle boobs.
 
In the end Melanie does The Right Thing and swims the relay. When she walks out to the pool Joey heckles "Melanie, you're so flat the walls are jealous" and LD gets pissed off and throws him in the pool. Melanie swims the race and kicks boy butt.
 
Bad DEGRASSI Fashion:
 
Snake and his IRON MAIDEN t-shirt -checker-board jams combo
 
Memorable DEGRASSI Quotes:
 
Melanie: I bet he thinks I'm just a little kid.
 
LD: Why would Jason think that?

Melanie: Not Jason - SNAKE! Of course, who can blame him? It's my Mom's
             fault. She thinks I'm still a little kid. I'm nearly a teenager! A
             PASSIONATE teenager whose dumb mother won't let her buy a bra!
- - - - -
Melanie (in bra store): I can't do this.
 
LD: Gosh, you're dumb. Don't be a chicken.
 
Melanie: I am NOT a chicken. Well, maybe a little bit. But not a lot though. Sort
             of like a chicken WING without the legs or breasts.
 
LD: Ha ha ha - Breasts! (Both girls giggle maniaclly)
- - - - -
 
LD (holding a small bra up over her eyes): Looks like swim goggles!
- - - - -
Bra Store Saleslady: Would you like to try it on?

Melanie: What?! Here?!
 
LD: In the change room, Dummy!
 
Look For:
 
Jason The Sports Rep and  Wai Lee The Dorky Asian Kid kicking around a soccer ball outside DEGRASSI and later arguing in the Boys Locker Room
 
* RUMOR HAS IT: Caitlin has been having wet dreams. About Ms Avery!  Is Ms Avery gay?  Is Caitlin gay? And what  the Hell is Ms Avery saying that Caitlin's winning essay was about: Native Peoples? Nia Peebles?!
 
The next day Ms Avery is dropped off at school by a "lady friend", which leads the DEGRASSI kids to wonder aloud  if she's a "lezzie". 
 
Later on Caitlin has more dreams about Ms Avery . In these dreams the kids watch Caitlin sit on Ms Avery's lap(!) and chant that she's "Gay - Gay - Gay! Lesbian - Lesbian - Lesbian!"  The whole thing is driving Caitlin into a downward spiral of madness!
 
Finally she cracks and talks to Ms Avery about it. Ms Avery talks about her sexuality with Caitlin and her answers are all pretty glib. That Ms Avery sure likes to beat around the bush! (Ha ha ha)
 
Later on in the show we see Ms Avery with Mr Raditch, which leads to a whole NEW set of disturbing images for us to wrap our minds around!
 
Ms Avery and Mr Raditch: Just friends? Secret Lovers? Or is Mr Raditch Ms Avery's "beard"?
 
There is also a side story that is really weak about Arthur and Yick losing money and thinking it was pilfered by Bad Boy Rick who is walking around with a HUGE bag of licorice and offering everyone a piece. Apparently, Rick won $100 in a lottery even though he's a minor and that's illegal. (Also,  I highly doubt Rick would spend his small fortune on LICORICE . I see Rick as more of a carton of MARLBORROS - case of BUDWEISER - subscription to JUGGS kind of a guy!) There is a funny scene where Yick and Arthur follow Rick into the Boys Room and watch him pee (!) . He throws licorice into the bathroom stalls they are hiding in saying "One for you and One for you!" 
(Who eats licorice in a bathroom?!?!)
 
Memorable DEGRASSI Quotes:
 
Caitlin: I've been having some really strange dreams lately.
 
Susie: Oh yeah? Dreams are supposed to be very significant. They're supposed
          to reveal your inner-most desires and stuff.
 
Caitlin: Really??
 
Susie: Yeah. Tell me about them. I want to hear. Just as long as they're not TOO
           dirty!
- - - - -
Kathleen: Ms Avery, do you have a boyfriend?
 
Ms Avery: Hundreds! But I don't know what business that is of YOURS!
- - - - -
(LOOSE SCRIPT FOR CAITLIN'S BIZARRO DREAM:)
 
Kathleen: Caitlin's gay, you know. She's a lesbian.
 
Susie (nodding): Yes. I know.
 
(whisper, whisper)
 
Susie: Caitlin's Gay. You know it's true.
 
Random Classmate: She's a homo-sexual. I know. I heard the rumor.
 
Alex Yankou: She's gay.
 
Random classmate: A lesbian.
 
Random classmate: Gay!
 
Repeated Chant: Gay - Gay - Gay ! Lesbian - Lesbian - Lesbian!
- - - - -
Susie: She's not a lesbian! She's my friend!
 
Look For:
 
Annie, rocking both a red beret and a blue beret in alternate scenes.
 
* BEST LAID PLANS: Classic DEGRASSI. Stephanie asks Wheels out and he says "Yes". Their friends ask them if they are going to "Do It". Well, they don't KNOW if they are going to "Do It".....but they sure as sh*t are gonna TRY!
 
While all of this is going on Yick has gotten his dirty little hands on a Porno tape called SWAMP SEX  ROBOTS, that he plans on watching with Arthur ("SWAMP SEX ROBOTS, Here we cum!") while Stephanie and Mrs Kaye are out of the house on dates.
 
Wheels asks his Dad for advice on sex and even after The Old Man tells him not to Do It Wheels goes to the drugstore to buy condoms .....just in case. The woman at the drug store who sells him the condoms sneers at him disapprovingly and throws a pamphlet about Teen Abstinence at him.
 
When Wheels shows up for his date with Stephanie he finds out that her mother is the same woman who sold him condoms at the drug store. AWK-WARD!
 
This ruins Wheels' plans to get laid, Steph's plans to get laid and Arthur and Yick's plans to watch SWAMP SEX ROBOTS! A good time is had by none!
 
Memorable DEGRASSI Quotes:
 
Joey: Hey, Wheels and Steph are going to a movie!
 
Shane: Steph?! She is THE sexiest chick in this school. What does she see in
           Wheels?
 
Joey: Hey, The dude's a sex machine!
- - - - -
Arthue: "SWAMP SEX ROBOTS"?! This is pornography!
 
Yick: Shhhh! I "borrowed" it from my brother. Only he doesn't know yet! He's
         away til Monday.
 
Arthur: Wow.
 
Yick: We cant watch it at my place. My Grandmother's home all the time. What
         about your Dads?
 
Arthur: Uh, I'm at my Moms this weekend.
 
Yick: Doesn't she have a VCR?
 
Arthur: I don't know if it's fixed yet.
 
Yick: You gotta find out. You wanna see this, don't you?
 
Arthur: Yeahhhh.
 
Yick:  I hear it's so hot it'll fry your eyeballs!
 
- - - - -
Shane: Wheels, you're gonna "Make It".
 
Wheels: What?
 
Shane: "Make It".
 
Wai Lee:  With Stephanie "H" Kaye. "H" is for "hot"!
 
Wheels: What?
 
Joey: What?!
 
Shane: We heard her. She's got "A Plan".
 
Wai Lee: She said she can "Handle It".
 
Wheels: Really?
 
Joey: Really?!
 
Wai Lee: Hope you're Up For It.
 
Wheels (pause): Hey, if she wants "It", she'll get "It".
 
Wai Lee & Shane: All The Way With Stephanie Kaye!
- - - - -
Voula (referring to Stephanie): Well, whaddaya know? It's The School Sleeze!
- - - - -
Joey: So tonights The Big Night, eh? You and Steph: All The Way? You got
         protection? You need protection. You know : Safes! Rubbers! Condoms!
         Prophylactics!
- - - - -
Wheels: I don't think this is such a good idea.
 
Joey: Dude, this is The '80s. A guy's got responsibilities!
 
Wheels: Yeah, but what if we don't "DO" anything!
 
Joey: You don't like Steph?
 
Wheels: Of course I like her.
 
Joey: You scared?
 
Wheels: No way.
 
Joey: So what's the problem? All the guys are counting on you, Man. You CAN'T
         let us down. Come on! .......... (In condom section of drug store) Awright!
         Safe City!
 
Wheels: Shhh!
 
Joey: Whaddaya want? We've got "French Stallion". "Ribbed Delight". Your "Industrial Strength". Your "Variety Pack".....
 
Wheels: I don't know.
 
Joey: CAN WE GET SOME SERVICE HERE AT THE SAFE SECTION?!
- - - - -
Arthur: What do Swamp Sex Robots DO exactly????
- - - - -
Mom: So what do you children have planned for this evening?
 
Steph: Ummmm...I'm gonna go to a movie. With some friends.
 
Arthur: Uhhh...I think I'll watch TV.
 
Mom: You know, Children, Sometimes at the store I get people coming in just
          around your age....
 
Arthur (trying to rush Mom along): Uhhh, Mom, Shouldn't we start washing up?
          It's pretty close to 7:30.
 
Steph: Yeah. You don't want to be late!
 
Mom: There's lots of time. Now, as it happens a boy came in today, barely older
          than you, Steph. I believe he's considering becoming sexually active. So I
          gave him some literature, which I think it's time both of you read too.
 
Steph: Mother! Give it to HIM!
 
Mom: Oh, I brought some for Arthur! I'd like YOU to read them as well, Stephanie.
 
Arthur: Don't worry, Mom. I'm not sexually active.
- - - - -
Mom (opening door to see Wheels standing there with flowers): YOU'RE the boy
         from the drug store. Well, what are you doing here? And what are those
         flowers for???
 
Arthur: He's very interested in horticulture.
 
Mom: Stephanie, get down here! ........ RIGHT NOW! ........I don't know what the
          two of you had planned, but since YOU bought what you bought and YOU
          look like a tramp,  I intend to find out!
- - - - -
Arthur's Friends (within ear-shot of his Mom) We wanna see the Porno!!!
 
* NOTHING TO FEAR: Ugh. This is My Least Favorite DEGRASSI Episode. LD's Dad goes into the hospital and LD doesn't want to visit him because when her Mom went in the hospital and she visited HER she died. (her mother, not LD)
 
Also in this episode: Melanie is afraid of snakes and is in a panic when one escapes from the Science Lab. She DOES however have the hots for older and way taller Snake, who she will later try to charm.
 
Bad DEGRASSI Fashion:
 
Voula has a lacy bib thing attached to her sweater. What up with that?! My daughter says it makes her look "like Benjamin Franklin!"
 
Melanie, afraid a snake will try to climb up her leg, has on huge Doc Martin boots and knee socks strapped to her legs with duct tape. And - oh yeah - a really dorky looking sweater with sheep on it!
 
Memorable DEGRASSI QUOTES:
 
Arthur (making an announcement over the PA system): Testing. Testing. Uh, Hi.
          This is Arthur Kobalewsky. I'd like to announce that our "class project" has
          escaped. However, there is no cause for alarm. He's friendly. For a snake.
          And he's not poisonous. If anyone finds a gold and brown California King
          Snake answering to the name "Amadeus" please bring him to The
          Resource Center.
 
Joey (grabbing Snake): I got the snake! I caught the snake!
- - - - -
Melanie (about class pet snake Amadeus): He's not slimey. He's kinda cute!
- - - - -
LD's Dad: It's gonna take more than a little angina to stop me.
LD: ANGINA???????
 
Look For:
 
The little Midddle Eastern woman who pops up every so often in DEGRASSI episodes. Here she is a patient in the hospital riding in a wheelchair and wearing orange pajama-looking things. Try to spot her in other DEGRASSI episodes. It's like WHERE'S WALDO?! Makes a great Drinking Game. Fun fun fun!
 
 
* WHAT A NIGHT: Voula starts hanging out with Lucy. Lucy looks like A Poor Man's Lisa Bonet with about three miles of scarf wrapped around her head,and  is very stylish and sophisticated. Plus her parents are both workaholics, which means they are never at home which leaves Lucy with plenty of free time to give people make-overs. And shoplift!
 
Lucy drags Voula to the mall where Lucy looks at stylin' threads and Voula looks at "clown clothes" and stuff Lucy says "my mother would wear". Lucy and Voula find a sweater they both like. Lucy asks Voula "What size are you?" Dumpy Voula says "petitie" and the next thing you know Lucy has stuffed the sweater into her purse and is hightailing it for the exit. They are stopped by the little Middle Eastern woman, who sometimes shows up in DEGRASSI episodes, this time as a security guard.
 
They go to "mall jail" where Voula finds out Lucy is not a first time offender and Voula's parents yell at her and forbid her to see that Lucy girl. And, man, do they mean it: Soon after Voula's disasterous debacles with slutty Stephanie and shoplifter Lucy, Voula's parents pack up Voula and all their belongings and MOVE!
 
The B storyline is good in this episode too. All the girls in DEGRASSI are hooked on this soap opera called DAYS OF PASSION that they watch during "Study Hall" (Check out Wheels and Joey holding hands and "acting like a couple" in this episode. Priceless!) Stephanie tells Heather and Erica that the star of this soap opera Damon King (who looks sort of like A Poor Man's Rick Springfield) will be at the book store signing copies of his new book KING OF HEARTS.
 
Stephanie, Heather and Erica all run over to the book store so Stephanie can get the soap star's autograph and when she meets him she is delighted to see that he is very nice and flirty and apparently likes 'em young. He gives her an autograph...complete with phone number.
 
Later on Stephanie calls him and they make plans to meet up later that night. Stephanie seems to think he's taking her to the soap opera set to show her around but instead the guy pulls up in a flashy sports car and drives her to....a fleabag motel's parking lot. He reaches over reciting recycled soap opera dialogue and goes to put the make on Steph who panics, jumps out of the car and starts screaming "I'm only 14!". The guy jumps back in his car and peels out, leaving Stephanie alone to cry, feel like an a**hole and call her Mom from inside the No Tell Motel pleading for a ride home. ( I guess "16" isn't considered "jailbait" in Canada cuz when the guy thought Stephanie was 16 he was pretty cool with that!)
 
Bad DEGRASSI Fashion:
 
Voula wearing Lucy's clothes: A sexy black tank top, skin-tight leopard print pants and a tiger-stripe scarf.
 
Lucy in mall jail wearing a flood pants - ugly socks combo.
 
The HUGE Totally '80s walkie-talkies Mall Security is using.
 
Memorable DEGRASSI Quotes:
 
Lucy: I don't need Spelling. I'm gonna be A Dancer!
- - - - -
Erica: I think we're gonna meet him. And the moment he sees Steph (in manly
         voice) "Stephanie, the moment I saw you I knew that we were meant for
         eachother"
 
Steph: Oh, Damon, Really??
 
Erica (manly voice): "Now I know you're only 14. But what does age matter when
         two people are in love?"
 
Steph: Oh, Damon!
 
Erica (manly voice): "If only we were free to follow our hearts"
 
Steph: Oh, Damon, I can't! I don't love you!
 
Erica (manly voice): "You don't love me?"
 
Steph: No. I love.....HEATHER!
 
(Heather and Stephanie embrace)
- - - - -
Damon King: What's your name?
 
Steph: Stephanie.
 
Damon King: How old are you, Stephanie?
 
Steph (lying): 16.
 
Damon King: Sweet 16. You know, Stephanie, One autograph - One kiss. That's
                    my policy. (kisses her cheek)
 
Steph (runs back to Heather and Erica): I'll never wash this cheek again! O-eee!
          He kissed me!
 
Heather (looking at autograph): Steph, this looks like a telephone number.
 
Steph: What?!
 
(Steph looks at Damon King who raises an eyebrow suggestively, smiles, winks and nods)
- - - - -
Steph: I'm not really 16. I'm 14 years old! And I told all my friends I was going out
           with you. So you better not touch me!!!
 
Look For: Little Middle Eastern Woman - this time a very non-threatening looking "Security Guard".
 
* SMOKESCREEN: Caitlin and Rick sort of have the hots for eachother. This leads to Rick joining the Enviornmental Action Committee that Caitlin is a member of. What does this committee actually DO? Well, mostly they just sit around trying to think up hip new names for their group ("How about POLLUTION BUSTERS?'") while nasty bee-yotch Kathleen, The EAC President, shoots down all their suggestions because she likes the old name. After all, SHE'S the one who came up with it!
 
Rick wants to start a petittion to close down the factory down the block from the school that is polluting the air and making an ungodly stink. The committee says "We're just kids. What can WE do?" but Rick and Caitlin are on a mission to get out there and Do Something. They write a God-awful rap song called Stop The Stink which Caitlin raps (Yee Gods!)  over the school PA system. This oddly enough gets a bunch of DEGRASSI students to sign a petititin and then Rick and Caitlin bring it on over to the Stink Factory.
 
The whole time this is going on we get the feeling that nasty bee-yotch Kathleen doesn't like Bad Boy Rick. ......and we're right: In the end she gets him thrown out of the Enviornmental Action Committee for being a smoker. When Caitlin starts to give Rick a bum rap for being a smoker and making her look like a fool for believing in him Rick angrily tells her that he never wantd to be her "project" (which he pronounces "PRO-jekt")
 
While this is all going on Yick has to do an oral report on his heritage and doesn't want to give a report about being a poor "boat person" so he goes to a second hand shop and buys a cheap Asian vase for $4.99 and trys to pass it off as being  an ancient family "hair loom" that's worth a lot of money. Arthur accidentally breaks the vase and freaks out. He trys to glue it back together and when that fails he grovels to Yick for forgiveness, vowing to pay him back even if it takes the rest of his life. Yick EVENTUALLY tells Arthur the vase was a fake. Yick then gives an inspirational speech on Asian refugees and gets much applause.
 
Memorabe DEGRASSI Quotes:
 
Kathleen: What are YOU doing here, Rick?
 
Rick: I wanna join.
 
Kathleen: What do YOU know about the enviornment?
 
Rick: I live in it!
- - - - -
Yick (lying about vase): It's been in my family thousands of years. It's very
        valuable. I forgot we had it.
 
Arthur: Your parents let you bring it to school?!
 
Yick: Umm, they don't really know about it.
 
Arthur: What Dynasty is it?
 
Yick: Ming. Or Manchu. Both maybe.
- - - - -
CAITLIN'S RAP:
 
Hey, listen up, People, don't fall asleep
Let me tell you aboot the DEGRASSI Clean Sweep
Stopping the stink is our intent
Help clean up the enviornment
 
Sign our petition and you will see
Improvements at the factory
It's up to us, that's what I think
To make some noise and Stop the Stink!
- - - - -
Kathleen: Nobody's going to pay attention to a petition from a bunch of kids.
 
Rick: How would YOU know, Brain-Box?
- - - - -
Kathleen: We should discuss whether Rick should be on this committee
               anymore.
 
Enviornmental Action Committee: What????!!!
 
Kathleen: I saw him Smoking A Cigerette!
 
Look For:
 
Jyoti: An Indian chick in the Enivornmental Action Committee who can also be seen in the background of some classroom scenes
 
Trish: A short red-head in the Enviornmental Action Committee who will be a lot easier to spot in a crowd when she's rocking a huge spiked mohawk in the High School years,
 
Annie: Sporting a pink chapeau during Yick's speech about refugees
 
 
* IT'S LATE!: Classic DEGRASSI: Lucy, whose parents are never home, has a house party and Spike and Shane sneak off into a bedroom to make wompom.
When The Twins Heather and Erica, who came to the party with Spike, are ready to leave they ask Joey where Spike is and he points to a bedroom and says "In there. Shane's in there too!" Heather and Erica go to turn the knob and waltz right in and are angered to find that the door is locked. They start pounding on the door asking "What are you guys DOING in there????" (What did they THINK Spike and Shane were doing in there: Looking through the guests coat pockets for spare change?)
 
A few weeks later Spike's period is late and she starts thinking she might be pregnant. She buys a pregnancy test and.....instead of putting it into her purse....trys to walk past her mom with the drug store bag in her hand. Her mom says "What's that?" and Spike wont tell her which leads to Spike's mom chasing her upstairs and tackling her to see whats in the bag (Again: Something that could have avoided if Spike had just put the damn drug store bag in her purse!) "You know nothing what it's like to be 14!" Spike screams, assuming her mother was just BORN an adult. Her mother tears open the drug store bag, sees the home pregnancy test and says "You didn't!" (way to make your kid Feel The Shame, Mom!)
 
Spike's mother, who herself got knocked up as a teenager (thus Spike), is not thrilled but DOES vow to be supportive. She makes Spike a doctor's appointment. Spike invites Shane to go with her to see the doctor to get her pregnancy test results. When Shane  shows up Spike tells him "I'm glad you came" ( which always strikes me as something funny for a pregnant girl to say to her boyfriend: "I'm glad you came".  Ummmm...no you're NOT glad he "came". If he hadn't "came" we wouldn't have this unwanted pregnancy, now would we?) Spike and Shane get the test results and sure enough there is a bun in the oven.
 
Side story: Yick has the hots for Melanie (who has the hots for Snake). He asks Arthur for girl advice. (Wait a minute: He asks ARTHUR????? Never in the run of DEGRASSI did Arthur EVER have luck with the ladies!!!)  Arthur tells him to give Melanie flowers and compliment her by telling her that  her eyes are like "swimming pools". Yick gives Melanie flowers that she's allergic to and says her eyes look like "pimming swools". Melanie laughs in his face. Yick angrily storms away, turns on his heel, looks scornfully at Arthur and calls him a "Broomhead!"  (which was the DEGRASSI version of "a**hole, I guess. I'm still trying to figure out what "narbo" meant!) In the end Melanie finally agrees to go on an ice skating date with Yick and I can't help but wonder if the writers did this on purpose to show us how much fun the teen couple that DIDN'T have sex on their date (Melanie and Yick) have compared to the complete misery, dread and doom the teen couple that DO have sex (Spike and Shane) have to face. 
 
Memorable DEGRASSI Quotes:
 
Arthur: Looks to me like you need some serious help from ME.
 
Yick: What do YOU know about girls???
 
Arthur: When you've got a sister like mine you learn fast!
 
Yick: Yeah.
 
Arthur: The thing about girls is: You have to get them in the right mood......
- - - - -
Spike: My period is way late. It's always been on time before. I think I'm pregnant.
 
Twin 1: But you CAN'T be pregnant. Unless you've had sex. (Spike looks down)
           You "Did It"???
 
Twin 2: With Shane?? ...........  How do you feel? Do you have morning sickness?
 
Spike: Not yet.
 
Twin 2: If it's The First Time you're okay. You can't get pregnant The First Time.
 
Twin 1: I don't know if that's true.
 
Twin 2: Of course it's true. Everyone knows that!
- - - - -
Shane: Hey, Spike. Whoa. Wait up. I thought we were Going Steady. Why are
           you treating me like this?
 
Spike: You really wanna know?
 
Shane: Yes.
 
Spike: Remember Lucy's party?
 
Shane: (smiling a Horny Guy Smile):  Yeahhh.
 
Spike: I think I'm gonna have a baby.
 
Shane: This is a joke, right?
 
Spike: No.
 
(Shane walks away bakwards).
- - - - -
Alexa: I can't wait til I have a baby.
 
Lucy: Are you kidding?! Babies PEE twelve times a day!
- - - - -
Spike: This is all your fault.
 
Shane: You could have stopped me.
 
Spike: I tryed to. Sort of. Oh, this is so horrible.
 
Shane: You don't want me to marry you, do you?
 
Spike: There are people who can't have babies so they adopt OTHER peoples
           babies. But I don't want to get big and stuff. Everyone will know! ........
           .......... I don't want to have an abortion. But I don't want to have a baby.
           I don't want ANY of this. I'm just a kid. Why is this happening? It was
           just a little mistake.
 
Shane: Sort of a Big Mistake.
 
* PARENTS NIGHT: In this episode we find out that Wheels was adopted. It is his birthday and his adoptive parents - let's call them "Mom" and "Dad" - have given him a nice old fogie album and a bitchin' strap for his bass guitar as presents. You can tell by Wheels' face that he's wondering how a cool dude such as him - who loves Rock and even plays in a band! - got saddled with such square parents.
 
On the way to school there is a strange, squirelly looking thirty-something guy  (wearing sinister yellow Mickey Mouse gloves) hanging out in front of DEGRASSI scoping out Wheels. Is he a pedophile?  No, he's Mike Nelson (Not the Mike Nelson from MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATRE 3000), Wheels' birth father. The two end up going out for milkshakes and find out they have a lot in common: They both play in bands and they both like chocolate milkshakes! ("Must be heredity")
 
Mike Nelson - whose gotta be cool cuz he plays in a band, right? - invites Wheels to come watch his bar band rehearse and when Wheels shows up with Joey to watch them jam Mike makes the mistake of introducing Wheels to his band members  as "My kid" to which Wheels gives the old shpiel about "YOU'RE not my parents- THEY are" and storms back home to his adoptive parents, not the coolest folks ya ever met, but they have been decent enough to take him in as a wee babe and raise him, so I guess that accounts for somethin', right?
 
Throughout the episode Spike, who is 14 and pregnant with Shane's love child , has been asking Wheels for advice. By the end of the episode she STILL hasn't made up her mind what she wants to do (she's contemplating putting the baby up for adoption) but she DOES finally break up with Shane who doesn't want her to get an abortion, doesn't want her to give the baby up for adoption and doesn't want her to HAVE the baby (Uhhh, Shane, what choices are LEFT?!)
 
This episode, while not absolutely fabulous, DOES have two things going for it:
 
1. It shows us the first ever footage of the humble beginnings of Wheels, Anke and Joey's band, which is not yet called THE ZIT REMEDY. Joey and Snake fight over which of the following band names they should go with: SNAKE AND THE CHARMERS, JOEY AND THE JOYBUZZERS, SNAKE AND THE SNEEZE, JOEY AND THE JELLYBEANS or SNAKE AND THE SNAPS (which Joey says sounds like a breakfast cereal).
 
2. We get to see Arthur in drag! In this episode the DEGRASSI gang is getting ready for the Parents Night Talent Show. Arthur and Caitlin are doing the "Phylis And Fran" song - that is actually recycled from an old THE KIDS OF DEGRASSI STREET episode, by the way. They are dressed up to look like two women on a deserted island, which is fine for Caitlin but pretty ridiculous for Arthur. You will find yourself wondering how Caitlin roped Arthur into DOING this skit for the Talent Show. Well, the best I can offer as a reason is that in the High School episodes of DEGRASSI Arthur has a crush on Caitlin. Maybe he already HAD the crush in Junior High and that's why he agreed to humiliate himself by dressing up as a horny broad looking for a man, so he could work on the act with Caitlin and get to hang out with her during rehearsals. Maybe he doesn't mind being subjected to such torture...But why should WE the viewers have to endure it?!
 
Bad DEGRASSI Fashion:
 
Is Snake wearing a bootleg Bill The Cat shirt???
 
Joey's Punk Rock mohawk wig.
 
Memorable DEGRASSI Quotes:
 
Mom (listening to opera): Now that's REAL music. Not like that Rock noise YOU
         listen to, Derek. That's why we got you " a good record".
 
Wheels: Thanks, Mom. (lying) Can't wait to hear it.
 
Dad: Derek, did you ever stop to think that maybe Rock music is part of an alien
        plot to take over the world?
- - - - -
ARTHUR AND CAITLIN'S TALENT SHOW SONG "PHYLIS AND FRAN":
 
I'm Phylis, I'm Fran
We're going South to get a man
We better find one soon
We're getting really tan!
- - - - -
Wheels: Did you and  my "mom" ever think about having me?
 
Mike Nelson: Yeah. When she got pregnant we were really scared. We were
                     kids. We wanted to do The Right Thing but we didn't know what
                     that was. I'm STILL a kid. Who else would go town to town playing
                     in a band?
 
Wheels: You're in a band?
 
Mike Nelson: Yeah.
 
Wheels: What do you play?
 
Mike Nelson: Rock mostly. I'm a drummer.
 
Wheels: I play bass.
 
Mike Nelson: No kidding! Now that's heredity.
 
* REVOLUTION:  Stephanie hasn't been having much success in seducing Wheels. (Funny thing here is one of The Twins - and I'm pretty sure it's Heather - says to Steph about Wheels "I don't know WHAT you see in him!" The irony is that in High School episodes Heather herself will be be totally warm for his form!)   
 
Steph starts hitting on Joey to try make Wheelst jealous. She even gives Joey the highly coveted Sports Rep position that is usually given to a seventh grader. The seventh graders rebel and riot and chase Stephanie through the streets with torches and pitchforks (No, not really). They rally to have Stephanie Kaye impeached.
 
Joey finds out that Stephanie was just using him to make Wheels jealous and he turns on her too.
 
Stephanie is toast. And for once Arthur is totally embaressed to be related to Stephanie instead of it being the other way around.
 
Also In This Episode: We get to hear Everybody Wants Something for the first time! We get to see Joey, Wheels and Snake jam and fight over band names. Joey wants to call the group JOEY AND THE JETSET. Wheels and Snake want to call the group  THE ZIT REMEDY. Joey thinks that name sucks!
 
Memorable DEGRASSI Quotes:
 
Joey: Stephanie! Joey "L" Jeremiah - "L" for "Lover" - at your service!
 
Steph: Jo-ey!
 
Joey: Did I ever tell you you're beautiful?
 
Steph: Go jump in a lake.
 
Joey: Which one? I'm a great guy once you get to know me. And I'm your slave!
         Whatever you want I will do!
 
Steph: I WANT you to leave me alone.
 
Joey: So...See ya later?
- - - - -
Joey (looking in mirror): You, Devil. How can you STAND to be SO good looking?
        (to Yick):  Am or I beautiful or am I beautiful?
- - - - -
Repeated Chant: Out Of The Way With Stephanie Kaye!
- - - - -
Wheels: Stephanie's using you, you know. She's just pretending to like you so
             that I'll get jealous.
 
Joey: Hey, I understand that you're upset at losing her but it's kind of pathetic to
        make up dumb stories.
 
Wheels: It's not a story. I have proof. I just heard Heather and Erika talking.
 
Joey: You're lying.
 
Wheels: Ask them.
 
Joey: Yeah, right. You're just jealous. Really nice. Trying to mess ME up just
         before an exam! Thanks a lot, Wheels. Some friend YOU are!
 
(Later)

Wheels: Go ahead. Ask 'em.
 
Joey: Heather! Erika! Is Stephanie using me to make Wheels jealous?
(Erika and Heather answer at exactly the same time):
 
Erika: No.
Heather:Yes.
- - - - -
 
SEASON TWO EPISODE GUIDE:
 
* EGGBERT:  Spike is taking care of an egg, pretending that it's a baby. Her friends name it "Eggbert" and even draw a face on it. When Shane trys to prove he's a Righteous Dude by offering to help Spike with the baby Spike tells him he can start practicing by watching over Eggbert this weekend  (expect to hear lots of people clucking and making bad egg jokes during this episode). Moments after Shane promises to take care of Eggbert Lucy announces she will be having a No Parents House Party this weekend (and lemme tell ya: Lucy's partys are just wild! Need proof? At the last one Spike got pregnant!)
 
Shane doesn't want to miss the cool party because he's stuck at home egg-sitting so he shows up at the party (which is a total dud cuz the stereo is broken and no one thought to bring booze) WITH the egg and Spike is not amused. "People bring babies to partys all the time" Shane muses, seconds before his insensitive friends start playing "Keep Away" with Eggbert.
 
Shane and Spike have a fight on the front porch which ends with Spike smashing the egg on the sidewalk.
 
The B Story for this episode is about Stephanie Kaye having decided that she wants to take the position of Class President more seriously. She goes to throw her trampy two dollar whore clothes away. Alexa sees her and asks if SHE can have the clothes.  Stephanie makes some snotty remark akin to "It's okay for YOU, Alexa, but I'M School President. I have to look more adult" and then lets Alexa have the clothes.
 
There is a new boy at school named Simon. The girls are all giggling about how cute he is and wondering why he looks familiar. It ends up he's a male model and small-time  commercial actor. Aha!  That's where they know him from! He's the Super Cruch Delight Guy! Both Stephanie and Alexa have the hots for Simon but Simon only seems to have eyes for Alexa, who is now walking around wearing Stephanie's trashy clothes. ("I love the way she dresses" Simon gushes to the other fellas at Lucy's party)  This leads to Steph asking Alexa for the clothes back and Alexa saying "Forget it". Thus begins the rivalry (in Steph's head anyway) between Steph and Alexa for the fair hand of himbo Simon. For the next few episodes Stephanie will try to bump into Simon, try to make Simon notice her and also make nasty quips about how "horrible" Alexa looks in the clothes she "stole" from her!
 
The C Story here is pretty weak as it introduces us to one of the most forgettable and unnecessary charactors in  DEGRASSI history: Scott "Scooter" Webster (little black kid with glasses and small afro. In Season Three he will be joined by friend Bartholomew Bond (little white kid with big afro). As far as I'm concerned they contribute absolutely nothing to the show.
 
Bad DEGRASSI Fashion:
 
Sigh. Snake's wearing that bogus Bill The Cat shirt again.
 
Check out Lucy's Dickensian hobo ensemble she's wearing when she invites the class to her house party.She looks like an extra from the DEGRASSI JUNIOR HIGH production of OLIVER!
 
Memorable DEGRASSI Quotes:
 
Shane's Father (who is a minister and looks about 100 years old): Tell me, Shane
                       Do any of the kids in your school do drugs?
 
Shane: No. I don't think so.
 
Shane's Father: Have you ever heard of something called "crack"?
 
Shane: Yeah.
 
Shane's Father: It's started getting in the schools apparently. I don't know: Maybe
                        I'm getting old but it seems everywhere you turn these days kids
                        are messing themselves up one way or another.  It makes me
                        appreciate what a fine young man YOU are, Shane.
- - - - -
Joey: (At Lucy's dull party): Having fun, Guys?
 
Wheels and Snake (sarcastically): Dy-na-mite.
- - - - -
 
Shane: Spike, Spike, Spike! Come on!  We were just having fun!
 
Spike: You SAID you'd take care of it.
 
Shane: I did. Gimme a break, okay? I kept this stupid egg all week. It was
           embaressing.
 
Spike: You think THIS isn't embaressing? I'm gonna get fat! I'm gonna have a
           baby. I'm scared, okay?
 
Shane: I'm scared too.
 
Spike: You're only scared your parents will find out. They're gonna find out
           eventually. You think people wont talk when I get bigger and bigger?
           
Shane: I can't tell them.
 
Spike: That's the difference between you and me. YOU'VE got a choice. You can
           go home and pretend nothing is happening. Everywhere I go I'M
           PREGNANT!
 
Shane: Why are you so mad at me? I'm trying to help. It's just a stupid egg.
 
Spike: The stupid egg is not the point! (smashes egg on sidewalk) You SAY you
           wanna help until it becomes inconvienant. I can't trust you.
 
Shane: Spike......
 
Spike: You don't wanna help. You just wanna stop feeling guilty!
 
Fascinating Fact: The kid who plays "Scooter" (Christopher Charlesworth) is the real-life brother of the girl who plays "Susie" ( Sarah Charlesworth).
 
* A HELPING HAND: WIth Voula now moved and out of the picture Lucy decides to make tomboy LD her new pet project and takes her home to give her a make-over that ends up being pretty terrible. Despite the terrible make-over LD and Lucy start hanging out together.
 
Lucy has another new friend too:  There is a new substitute teacher at DEGRASSI: the very friendly Mr Colby (who my daughter calls "Mr Groper").
 
LD notices the way Mr Colby leers at Lucy, undresses her with his eyes, makes up excuses to touch her and fondles her scarves and peers down her blouse. When LD tells Lucy her suspicions about Mr Colby Lucy is furious and even accuses LD of being jealous. "At least I'm not a shoplifter!" LD shoots back.
 
One day Lucy stays after class for something or other and Mr Colby becomes TOO friendly and touchy-feely. Wheels, who is getting extra help from Ms Avery after school, walks into the classroom Lucy and Mr Colby are in to get a book and Mr Colby stops feeling up Lucy to yell at him. Lucy flees.

Lucy later runs into Wheels, who lets her know he saw Mr Colby's inappropriate behavior and will back her up and be her witness if she wants to report Mr Colby. The next day Mr Colby is missing in action. LD and Wheels ask Lucy if she is going to report his perverted behavior and Lucy, relieved that Mr Colby is gone, says that she doesn't want to. He's somebody else's problem now!
 
This is a really good episode! Not only is the whole Lucy-Gets-Molested-By-A-Teacher story fascinating, all the side stories in this episode are great too: Seems that DEGRASSI JUNIOR HIGH was just a whilrwind of activities this particular day! In this episode we find out:
 
Voula has moved.
 
Joey, Wheels and Snake have officially named their band THE ZIT REMEDY and are working on fine-tuning their "first" song Everybody Wants Something.
 
Wheels is getting after-school tutoring from Ms Avery and it's cutting into his rehearsal time with the band.
 
Wheels has been having headaches lately.
 
Ms Avery has suggested Wheels see an eye doctor.
 
Wheels ends up getting glasses.
 
Joey doesn't like Simon (Jealous?!)
 
Simon plays bass.
 
Joey and Snake approach Simon about temporarily replacing Wheels in THE ZIT REMEDY.
 
Alexa's mother has found her stash of tramp clothes and ordered her to give them back to Stephanie.
 
Stephanie is pleased to get her tramp clothes back. She believes that by wearing them she can woo Simon away from Alexa.
 
You see that? They managed to fit all of this into a twenty-five minute episode! I have watched three hour documenteries that have failed to teach me as much as this one particular episode did in less than a half hour! Some shows can't accomplish this much story-telling in a whole season! DEGRASSI really gives you the most bang for your buck!
 
Bad DEGRASSI Fashion:
 
 Holy Moses, will you look at the home-made ZIT REMEDY sweatshirts Wheels, Snake and Joey have on? Did that ever look cool? Ever???
 
Snake's got those damn clamd-diggers on again!  I guess when you're that tall it's hard to find pants that go all the way down to your feet!
 
Memorable DEGRASSI Quotes:
 
LD: I think it's creepy when teachers are TOO friendly.
 
Lucy: There's no such thing as "TOO friendly".
- - - - -
Joey (seeing Wheels wearing his new glasses): Cool, man. Very cool.
        But....ummmmm...You're not gonna wear them on stage, right?
        Who ever heard of a Rock star in glasses, right?
 
Wheels: What about John Lennon?
 
Joey: Who?
 
Snake: Don't worry. Some guy from the '60s.
- - - - -
( Alexa hands Steph a bag)
 
Steph: What's this? (opens bag) My clothes!!
 
Alexa: My Mom found them. She says they make me look like a Lady of The
          Evening. I'm grounded for two weeks.
 
Steph: (nastily) Oh. That's too bad.
 
Alexa: She says if she ever finds them again I'm grounded for two YEARS.
 
Steph: (nastily): Oh. And they looked so good on you!
- - - - -
Mr Colby: I'm glad we get along so well. From the first I could see you were
               mature beyond your years. But only after I read your paper did I
               realize HOW mature. That's why I gave you an "A". I recognized
               your sensitivity. I know what loneliness is like. When I got divorced
               it was like you wrote about Voula: "like something important had
               been cut out". ......................... I'm more interested in US. People
               like US. We need to help eachother. Don't be so tense. Relax. You
               need a friend, Lucy. ....................... This is a nice scarf. Is it silk?
 
Lucy (uncomfortable): I think so. My Dad brought it back from Thailand.
 
Mr Colby: Silk is such a sensual material. I love the feel of it. Don't you? Don't
               be scared. DEREK, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!?!
 
Wheels: I came to get a book. Ms Avery sent me.
 
Mr Colby: Well then get it then!!!!
 
Wheels: It's over by the window.
 
Lucy: I gotta go! (runs out of room)
 
Mr Colby (calling after her): I'm glad we had this talk, Lucy! See you tomorrow!
 
* GREAT EXPECTATIONS: There is a new student at school: Troubled Punk girl Liz ( You know: The one who looks like a capuchin monkey). No one knows exactly why Liz "had" to change schools but there is a lot of speculation over it "having to do with sex" (Could Liz be a tramp???)  Stephanie Kaye, School Slut, gives Liz the Once Over in the Ladies Room and sneers "I wonder if she 'Does It'. She looks like she 'Does It'" (Well, if that ain't the pot calling the kettle black!)  Spike, who obviously 'Did It' at least once takes offence to this and decides to try to make friends with Liz.
 
Also interested in getting to know Liz is horny man-on-the-make Joey Jeremiah, who I guess is tired of waiting around for Stephanie Kaye to throw him a pity f*ck. He makes plans to work on a school project with Liz then goes to the drug store to buy condoms and a few other toiletries (toilet paper, toothpaste, potato chips....he almost buys tampons too but he puts those back!)
 
Joey gets to Liz's house and within seconds is hitting her with the old "I want it. You want it. Let's 'Do It'" bullsh*t. She throws him out of the house screaming "Joey, I hate you!" 
 
The next day at school Liz won't have anything to do with him and Joey feels really bad cuz he really liked her.
 
The side story in this episode is sort of "yicky"....and I mean that in two ways: It involves Yick and it is sort of gross: Arthur has been having wet dreams and he tells Yick about it. Yick wants to help him find out if he's a "pervert" so they call the TALKING SEX WITH DR SALLY advice show (knowing full well Melanie and her friends listen to the show every night!) and Yick asks Dr Sally for wet dream advice. Dr Sally informs Yick that Arthur is "not a pervert", is "not an animal out of control"! Whew! Whatta relief!
 
Bad DEGRASSI Fashion:
 
Liz's hair-don't: Black peach fuzz with long bleached blonde bangs
 
Check out what Snake is wearing while tossing the old ball around with Wheels and Joey. Pink tye-dye???
 
Memorable DEGRASSI Quotes:
 
Joey: What do you guys think of that Liz chick?
 
Snake: She's kinda weird.
 
Wheels: Yeah. She's quiet. She never talks to anyone.
 
Joey: She talks to ME. Of course, I'm irresistable, right?
 
Snake: Yeah. To germs!
 
Joey: Whatta funny guy! Do you think she "Does It"? She looks like she "Does It"
 
Wheels: Joey, what's a girl who "Does It" supposed to look like?
 
Joey: I DON'T KNOW! Anyways I HEARD stuff, okay?
 
Snake: What "stuff"?
 
Joey: STUFF! Guys, come back. Do you ever think about REALLY having sex?
 
Snake: Well..... a bit.
 
Wheels: Yeah. Me too. Sometimes. You?
 
Joey: Awww, Man.......All The Time!
 
Snake: Joey, you are sex-crazed!
 
Wheels: You're sick! You're sick! You're a pervert!
- - - - -
Arthur: I've been having these kind of weird dreams lately.
 
Yick: So?
 
Arthur: REALLY weird. Kind of where you wake up and you sort of....leak.
 
Yick: Oh, you mean a "wet dream"!
 
Arthur: Shhhh!
 
Yick: Don't lots of people get them?
 
Arthur: Once a week?
 
Yick (shocked): Once a week???
 
Arthur (worried): I think I'm turning into a sex manaic.
- - - - -
Joey: You guys are so boring! I guess that's why I'M gonna "Make It" with Liz and
         you're not! Of course, for ME sex is no big deal. Chicks are like aspirin. I
         take two and go to bed!
 
Wheels: Right, Joey.
 
Snake: Joey Jeremiah - Mr All-Time Loser when it comes to girls!
 
Joey: That's not true. You're such a liar.
 
Snake: I can see it - Liz invites you over to her house, her parents are out, the
           lights are dim, soft music is playing, she leans over and Joey screams
           "No! No! I'm a virgin!" Ha ha ha ha!
- - - - -
(Melanie is telling room full of girls about TALKING SEX WITH DR SALLY)
 
Yick: What time is it on? Can ANYONE call?
 
Melanie: It's on tonight. And yeah, ANYONE can call. Why? Do YOU have a
             sexual problem, Yick?!
 
Yick: No way. It's just a friend.
 
Melanie: Uh-huh, that's what they ALL say!
 
Room Full Of Girls: Yeah, Yick! Got a problem?!
- - - - -
Joey (trying to flirt with Liz while they study together): I really like your hair.
 
Liz: Jo-ey!
 
Joey: Did I ever tell you how much I like your hair?
 
Liz: Joey, c'mon!
 
Joey: Can I help it that I'm dazzled by your beauty?
- - - - -
(Joey is trying to disguise the fact he's buying condoms by buying a dozen other items too. Of course, the cashier has to draw attention to everyone that Joey is buying condoms)
 
Cashier: And how are we today?
 
Joey: Fine.
 
Cashier (looking at condoms): Hmmmm. I thought these were "on special".
 
Joey: "Special"???
 
Cashier: From $4.99 to $7.99. Let's find out. PRICE CHECK!
 
Joey: No, no, no, no! It's okay. I don't mind paying more. Really!
 
Stock Girl: Yeah, Boss?
 
Cashier: Can you get me a price on these?
 
Stock Girl:(looks at condoms, looks at Joey, smiles): Yeah, sure.                                    
 
Joey (to cashier): Please! I WANNA pay $7.99!
 
Cashier: Come on. Won't take a minute.
 
(Little old man and Little old woman on line give Joey weird looks)
 
Stock girl: $4.99.
 
Cashier: Uh-huh!
 
Look For:
 
The little Middle Eastern woman who often pops up in DEGRASSI episodes. In GREAT EXPECTATATIONS she is the Stock Girl in the drug store where everybody at DEGRASSI buys their condoms and home pregnancy tests. She seems to be getting her jollys watching the cashier bust Joey's balls about the price of condoms.
 
Sue Johanson, who has a real-life advice show called SEX WITH SUE, as Dr Sally.
 
* DINNER AND A SHOW: Shane's parents, who now know Shane has knocked up Spike ("Mother is heart-broken. She can't FACE her bridge club!"), want to send him away to boarding school. They also want to arrange a dinner date so they can meet Spike and Spike's mother. Spike's mom is going to make it as uncomfortable as she possibly can for everyone involved by drinking BAILEYS on ice, making everyone call Spike "Christine" and demanding seperate checks.
 
B story: Yick is still crushing on Melanie so he asks her to go to the movies with him. Even though Melanie only likes Yick as a friend and has her sights set on Snake she agrees to go to the movies with Yick. Yick wants to see a Horor movie called REVENGE OF THE REPTILES, which sounds totally gross to Melanie. She tells him "I hear CRYING IN THE WIND is decent". Yick is sickened by the thought of sitting through a sappy love story like CRYING IN THE WIND, but so desperate is he for a date with Melanie that he agrees to take her to CRYING IN THE WIND.
 
Now unbeknownst to any of them Snake has been fnding himself attracted to Melanie! He asks Wheels and Joey if they think he should ask her out. Joey makes all these cracks about her being younger than him, and calling him a "cradle snatcher" and asking him if he plans on skipping rope with her on their date.......
 
 In the end though Snake decides to follow his heart and he invites Melanie to go see REVENGE OF THE REPTILES with him. Melanie is so over-joyed that she's even willing to sit through the gory splatter-fest that is REVENGE OF THE REPTILES just so she can go on a date with her dream man Snake.
 
Melanie LIES to Yick telling him that her Mom won't let her go out. She then heads off to the movies with Snake. Yick, with nothing else to do, decides to go to the movies with Arthur. And WHAT movie do they go to see? That's right: REVENGE OF THE REPTILES!  And they end up sitting right next to Snake and Melanie. AWK-WARD! Making it even more awkward: Joey and Wheels have also decided to go see REVENGE OF THE REPTILES just so they can sit behind Snake and Melanie and make kissy-kissy sounds. (You can really feel Melanie's pain in this episode!) 
 
The next day at school Melanie sees Yick and says "Hi, Yick" like nothing ever happened and he gives her the "Drop Dead, Bitch" stare and walks away.
 
Memorable DEGRASSI Quotes:
 
Kathleen: Look at Shane. What a creep. It's so easy for The Boy. (to Shane): Hiii,
               Dadddddy.
 
Melanie: Kathleen, That wasn't very nice.
 
Kathleen: Well, getting Spike pregnant wasn't exactly "nice" either!
- - - - -
Melanie (talking to Kathleen about Yick): He's just a boy. I'm ready for a MAN.
             (sees Snake): Hi, Snake.
 
Snake: Hi, Melanie. (walks away)
 
Melanie: THAT'S a MAN!
- - - - -
Shane's Father: I'm happy Shane agreed to go to private school.
 
Shane: No, I haven't.
 
Shane's Father: We've BEAN through all this!
 
Shane: But you never listen to me. Dad, you always taught me to do what's right.
           That's what I'm trying to do.
 
Shane's Father: Getting her pregnant certainly proved THAT, didn't it? Look, Son,
                        we're only trying to do whats best for you.
 
Shane: No, you're not. You're trying to do whats best for YOU. You want me to go
            away cuz I embaress you. So mom can play bridge again!
 
* STAGEFRIGHT: Caitlin has epilepsy and doesn't want to wear her dorky Medic Alert bracelet or take her pills.She's been really busy lately, auditioning for the lead role in the school play LOVES FRESH FACE and helping her girlfriends plan Susie's wicked cool slumber party.
 
At said slumber party Caitlin - who didn't take her medicine - has an epileptic fit, freaking Susie, Kathleen, Melanie and Jyoti out.
 
The next day she asks Susie if it was really "terrible" and "gross" and Susie says it wasn't that bad. Then they look at the play's call sheet and find out that the lead in the play went to - Oh no!- Kathleen!  Caitlin got the role of Kathleen's charactor's servant. (Melanie beems "I'm a wench!") Caitlin does not want to be in the play in a second-banana roll as Kathleen's servant. Kathleen and Caitlin have had a long-time rivalry and Kathleen is just a total b*tch to Caitlin. Caitlin drops out of the play, using epilepsy as an excuse.  Susie tells her that she's hiding behind her epilepsy and that the real reason she doesn't want to be in the play is because she's jealous of Kathleen.  In the end Caitlin does the play.
 
The side story is about shy girl Michelle (who Joey calls "mouse" and "squeeks" at). She is horrified when Mr Raditch expects her to give a speech in front of the whole class. She asks Alexa for advice and Alexa tells her to tell Raditch she's on the rag! Michells ain't down with that. Alexa suggests she fake larengitis. Michelle trys to pull off that oldie-but-goodie but Mr Raditch doesn't fall for it. In the end, Michelle gives a speech about SHYNESS and the crowd loves her.
 
DEGRASSI FASHION I OWNED:
 
In this episode Caitlin wears a green sleeveless tiger-print top. I used to own the white version of that top in the '80s! I wonder if she got hers at COMMANDER SALAMANDER too!
 
Memorable DEGRASSI Quotes:
 
Melanie: Susie, why don't you invite some BOYS to your sleepover?
 
Kathleen: Melanie, you're such a sex-starved maniac! Do you wanna end up like
               Spike?
 
Melanie: Kathleeeeeeen! You're such a prude!
- - - - -
Kathleen (performing a seance at the slumber party): Ohhh, Spirits, Help us to
              locate Chester. Chester, if you're out there please give us a sign. Bark
              once for "yes" and twice for "no". Thaaat's a good boyyy.
              CHESTER! GET DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW!!!
- - - - -
Susie: What happened the other day? You missed rehearsal. I covered for you.
 
Caitlin: I'm not gonna be in the play anymore.
 
Susie: What? Whose gonna play "Elizabeth"?
 
Caitlin: It's an easy part. Anyone can do it. What if I had a seizure onstage? It's
           too dangerous.
 
Susie: But your taking your medicine, right?
 
Caitlin: I don't care. I'm not gonna be in the dumb play.
 
Susie: Cuz Kathleen got The Part?!
 
Caitlin: Leave me alone, okay?! I thought you were my friend!
 
Susie: I AM your friend!
 
Caitlin: Well, for a friend you don't understand anything. I'm different now.
 
Susie: Yeah. you are. Look, I'm soorry you got epilepsy, okay? And I'll be there
           any time. But I'm not gonna cover for you just cuz you're jealous!
- - - - -
Michelle (giving a speech about shnyness, wearing a baby pink shirt): .......Worst of all I end up with a lot of ugly clothes because I can't stand up to pushy salespeople. (crowd laughs) I hate baby pink!
* * *
Look For:
 
Jyoti: at the slumber party Caitlin has an epileptic fit at.
 
Maya: I'm pretty sure this is the first time we get to see "wheelchair girl" Maya.
 
Wai Lee: Love his fascinating speech about why he loves watching TV ("You learn a lot about....life. And it's...fun")
 
* FIGHT!: Joey has been having trouble with School Bully Dwayne. When Dwayne over-hears Joey talking smack about him in the Boys Bathroom (Always check the stalls first, Fellas) he challenges Joey to a fight after school. Joey is terrified of the big "dozer" and tells his friends what a beast Dwayne is. Nobody takes his claims about Dwayne being a Killing Machine too seriously after they see Dwayne cavorting playfully in the hallways with that little Scooter kid ("Want a cheezy?") who is in awe of Dwayne and refers to his big, fat arms as "muscles".
 
Joey has nightmares about all the terrible things Dwayne is probably going to do to him. Because of his loss of sleep Joey falls asleep in Mr Raditch's class during a captivating Grammar lesson. When it's time to leave the class, exit school and head toward the inevitable beating from Dwayne Joey gets a Bright Idea. He asks Mr Raditch if he can stay after school for some help with Grammar. Mr Raditch says he can.
 
When everyone else is leaving the school and heading to the park to watch The Joey And Dwayne Fight Joey goes to hide out in Mr Raditch's classroom. As he goes to turn the knob and enter The Raditch Room he overhears some guys talking about the fight, saying "ten to one Joey won't show up" and calling him " a chicken". He ends up going to the park to get his a** kicked and save face.
 
The side story here is about Stephanie trying to get Simon to notice her. The Twins keep telling her to leave him alone cuz he is dating Alexa but Stephanie puts on her old tramp clothes and goes through all these bump-into-eachother-in-the-hall schemes that don't work. Finally she asks Simon to meet her after school (wink wink) and he agrees. When he meets her after school and she suggests they go off somewhere he tells her they have to "wait for Alexa". Simon's clearly not getting it (Dumb blonde). Stephanie tells Simon she likes him. Simon says he likes her too but he is going out with Alexa.
 
The next day Stephanie is back in her frumpy school marm clothes lamenting that her "whole life is falling apart".
 
FIGHT! is far from one of my favorite DEGRASSI episodes. I quite frankly don't think the story has enough "meat" to it. Throwing Joey's Dream Sequences about how afraid he is of Dwayne beating on him in there just seems like "padding" to me. It feels like they are trying to use the whole episode to build suspense leading up to the fight at the end. But aside from the fight itself and the B story about Stephanie (back in slutty outfits- Hallelujah!) trying to steal Simon away from her "friend" Alexa there really isn't a whole lot going on. There are no funny Bad DEGRASSI Fashions (Except maybe for Stephanie wearing a red tube top, yellow skirt, red high-heels ensemble that I like to call "MC DONALDS Whore")  and not a whole lot of notable quotables either (Except for "Want a cheezy?")
 
HOWEVER,  I DO understand that this episode was probably neccesary for them to establish where the HATE in the Dwayne and Joey "relationship" comes from. Joey accidentally bumped into Dwayne on his skateboard, Dwayne made a threatening comment, Joey talked sh*t about Dwayne, Dwayne overheard it and threatened to kick Joey's a**, Joey and Dwayne had a rumble, Joey showed up but for the most part Dwayne won. Because of this they are enemies. That is what this story establishes.
 
Memorable DEGRASSI Quotes:
 
Scooter (repeated line): Want a cheezy?
- - - - -
Erika: There's lots of fish in the sea.
 
Steph: I don't want fish. I want Simon.
- - - - -
Joey (about Dwayne): The guy is so dumb it takes him two hours to watch 60
        MINUTES.
- - - - -
Snake: What if Dwayne REALLY starts beating him up?
 
Wheels: If Dwayne gets on top and starts pounding him We Go In!
- - - - -
Steph: Simon, why don't you like me?
 
Simon: What?
 
Steph: Why can't we go out?
 
Simon: Where?!?!
 
* BOTTLED UP: Hey, Kids, in this episode of DEGRASSI we're not just gonna beat you over the head with ONE morality play, we're gonna beat you over the head with TWO! Not only are we gonna teach you all about the Evils Of Drinking, we're gonna teach you that Smoking Is Bad For You too!
 
A bunch of the DEGRASSI kids have been chosen to represent the school on a quiz show called QUEST FOR THE BEST. Someone has a VHS tape of a past episode of the show and the gang decides they want to watch it to help them prepare. But who has a VCR? Kathleen has one (Oooooh! A VCR! She must be like a millionaire!) Caitlin, Nancy and Tim ask Kathleen if they can watch the video at her house. Kathleen doesn't want them going to her place because her mother is an alcoholic. But somehow they talk her into it.
 
When they get to her house the place is filthy but - Good News - Mom is nowhere to be found! They start to watch the video and minutes later Mom comes staggering downstairs, glass in hand, wanting to meet Kathleen's friends and talk. The gang makes up an excuse to leave and hightail it out of there and Kathleen dies of humiliation: Her Secret Shame has been revealed!
 
The next day Caitlin trys to talk to Kathleen about it but Kathleen says her mother was acting so strange because she's "sick" and wants to end it at that.
 
The day of the quiz show Kathleen's is horrified when she realizes she didn't bring her school sweater to wear on the show . She calls her Mom to ask her to bring it and her mom is bombed. Mom promises to bring it but never shows up. Rick quick-like gives Kathleen HIS sweater for the filming.
 
The competition starts out shaky with Kathleen in a sort of Cindy Brady daze and the other DEGRASSI kids being no help whatsoever (Why were they chosen as DEGRASSI's Best And Brightest? Kathleen seems to be the only one of them who knows ANYTHING!). She finally snaps out of it and starts answering questions and saves the day.
 
After the show tapes Rick - who was supposed to have a dinner date with Caitlin but she cancelled on him - walks Kathleen home and HE trys to give her advice on how to handle an alcoholic parent. After all, he himself came from a troubled home.
 
The next morning at school Kathleen tells Rick she IS going to take his advice, but she does it in a Totally Kathleen Way: She waltzes past Caitlin and says "Here's your sweater back, Rick, Thanks for walking me home last night!" and Caitlin is all stumped wondering if anything of a romantic nature is going on with Kathleen and Rick and, of course, Kathleen being Kathleen lets her think it! (I'm pretty sure between Caitlin's last minute cancelling of her grab-a-burger dinner date with Rick and Caitlin assuming something funky is going on with Kathleen and Rick this episodes marks the end of the whole "Caitlin And Rick Potential Love Affair" thing. This episode also helps explain WHY Kathleen is such a b*tch! It starts with an alcoholic mother and an absentee father and it's all gonna be downhill from there. Wow. Sucks to be Kathleen. If I ever stars a Punk Rock Band I'm gonna call it SUCKS TO BE KATHLEEN.)
 
NOW about the whole "ooooh-smoking-baaaaad" side of the episode: Scooter is hanging out with this little white kid I've never seen before named Max ( I guess the crew from the show just pulled some random kid out of the background scenes and said "This is your big moment to shine!" and let him "star" in this episode, never letting on that they would later replace him with Bartholomew Bond and never let him "star"-or even  APPEAR - in an episode ever again) and they decide they wanna be cool "like Rick". So they follow Rick around to try to catch his "cool", much in the same way that Arthur and Yick were following Snake around a few days ago trying to find out what makes him so tall (Wow: Lazy Writers!) and they see Rick carrying around a pack of smokes and decide that smoking will make them cool! So first they go through great pains trying to GET the cigerettes and when they finally DO they hover in a stall together (oh, how glamourous!) puffing and coughing and choking. They end up getting sick and they decide that smoking is stupid and they will never do it again. Their smoking adventure has left them sick and feeling green so they give their tickets to QUEST FOR THE BEST to Rick who is all like "Thanks, Buddys!" and they are thrilled that Rick thinks they are somewhat cool.
 
Memorable DEGRASSI Quotes:
 
Caitlin (Quizzing team to prepare for game show): Kathleen, is alcohol a
          depresant or a stimulant?

Kathleen: A depressant.
 
Tim: It sure stimulates MY parents sometimes.
 
Nancy: Mine too.
 
Kathleen: Drinking is stupid!
 
Caitlin: It's okay in moderation.
 
Nancy: Yeah. My parents have wine with dinner but it's not like they're alcoholics.
 
Kathleen: Well, I'll NEVER drink!
- - - - -
Tim (walking into Kathleen's house): This place is a mess!
 
Nancy: Must be the maid's week off.
 
Kathleen: I told you, my Mom isn't feeling well!
- - - - -
(Kathleens mother staggers downstairs drunk, with the ice cubes in her glass of Scotch clinking together loudly)
 
Kathleen: This is the QUEST FOR THE BEST team, Mom. We're studying. I think
               you should go to bed, Mom. You look kind of sick.
 
Mom: I'm fine. Well, if they're so smart why don't they say anything? I used to be
         really smart too when I was in school. Then I got married! First comes love,
         then comes marriage, then comes Kathleen in a baby carriage!
 
Kathleen: Mom, c'mon, go to bed. Please.
 
Mom: I wanna stay. I wanna talk.
 
Nancy: I uhhhhh....think we should go.
 
Caitlin: Yeah. Nice to meet you, Mrs Meade.
 
Mom: What's wrong with you guys? C'mon! Stay and talk!
 
Nancy: Bye, Kathleen. Don't worry. We don't need to watch the tape.
 
Kathleen: I'm soory.
 
Mom: What a boring bunch! Kathleen, can you turn the TV down? Mommy's got a
         headache.
- - - - -
Kathleen: You're not my mother - You're a drunk!
 
(Mother slaps Kathleen)
- - - - -
Kathleen: Rick, here's your sweater.
 
Rick: It's cold. You wear it. Give it to me tomorrow. (Kathleen starts to walk away)
        Kathleen, wait! I'll walk you.
 
Kathleen: You don't have to feel soory for me.
 
Rick: I wouldn't let anyone walk home alone in the dark. Even YOU.
* * *
Fascinating Fact: The woman who plays "Kathleen's Mother" is the real-life
                           mother of Stefan Brogren,  the guy who played "Snake".
 
 
* SEALED WITH A KISS: Erica, tired of being a twin and always being mistaken for Heather, decides she's going to be a free-spirited, spontaneous, wild woman.
She meets a really cute guy at the school dance and they end up making out in the hallway staircase. They even French kiss!  The scandal!
 
The next day (or a few days later, I forget)  Erica, who is doing a Science project with Alexa on mono, is feeling sick and soar-throated. Alexa says she thinks Erica might have mono: "The Kissing Disease"
 
When Erica is sick at home, still lording it over Heather that she has a boyfriend and Heather doesn't, the boyfriend shows up to take Erica for a ride in his convertable. When Heather tells him Erica is sick he asks HER if she wants to go for a ride. To stick it to Erica, she decides to go. This, of course, leads to Erica's "boyfriend" parking the car, using the same come-on lines he used on Erica, and kissing Heather and sticking his tongue in her mouth!
 
When Heather gets home Erica throws a hissy and then tells her that she might have mono too.
 
The two go to the doctor the next day and find out Erica had tonsilitis and Heather just had "sympathy pains". They both dump the "boyfriend" (who was way too hot for them anyway!)
 
Side stories include Stephanie's slow slide into depression and Snake cutting into ZIT REMEDY rehearsal time to take Classical Guitar lessons.
 
Bad DEGRASSI Fashion:
 
Alexa's "sack dress" that she wears to the school dance does nothing for her but make her look fat.
 
Snake and Wheels are wearing those hideous home-made ZIT REMEDY sweatshirts. They've worn them before but only just now did I realize that the sweatshirts have cartoon charactors of the band members on them. Again: Did this EVER look cool?!
 
Memorable DEGRASSI Quotes:
 
Aaron: You know something, Erika? You're beautiful. You are. I mean it.
           Sincerely.
- - - - -
Aaron: You know something, Heather? You're beautiful I mean it. Sincerely.
- - - - -
Alexa: Isn't this a fabulous dance?!
 
Joey, Wheels and Snake (sarcastically): Dy-na-maite.
- - - - -
Erika: When we kissed it was 'magnifique'!
 
Heather: What do you mean?
 
Erika: We French kissed, of course!
 
Heather: You WHAT?! That's gross!
 
Erika: We're gonna start 'Going Together'. It's so romantic.! When you're older
          you'll understand.
 
Heather: Erika, you were born SIX MINUTES before me. Big Deal!
 
Erika: Well, it obviously makes a difference. I'm interesting and romantic. Mature.
          You're dull and boring.
 
Heather: Well, at least I'm not easy!
 
Erika: I AM NOT EASY!
 
Heather: You are and don't deny it! What do you call kissing a total stranger?!

Erika: He's not A Total Stranger. He's Very Nice!

- - - - -

Erika: Everyone knows silk is good for a sore throat.

- - - - -

Mr Raditch: Who wants (to do a report on) The Effects Of Smoking and who wants Mononucleosis?

Alexa: Oh, we'll do "The Kissing Disease"! I love diseases!

- - - - -

Aaron (about Heather and Erika): Maybe all THREE of us can go out!

* DOG DAYS: Stephanie Kaye is hated by the student body, can't sway Simon away from Alexa, has a mother who is about to marry a man she's only been dating for two months and has a father who wants to drag Mom back into court so he can try to get full custody of both Stephanie and her narbo brother Arthur. Because of all this Stephanie, who is back to dressing like a house frau,  is depressed and contemplating suicide. Her friends all KNOW somethings wrong cuz not only is she NOT dressing like a tramp anymore, she's looking downright FRUMPY! (When someone tells her her shirt isn't tucked in Stephanie just shrugs and walks away).

 Arthur finds a stray puppy, names it Phil and brings it to school. He gets caught with it and gets in trouble. When he brings it home his mother talks about how much the puppy stinks and how she doesn't want to keep it. She also talks about her plans to marry her new boyfriend Jerry (who Arthur hasn't even met yet!)
 
Stephanie is not pleased with the situation but in the end Stephanie and Arthur (who, by the way, Stephanie has treated like a total leper up til now) decide that if they pull together that they can work through this.
 
Memorable DEGRASSI Quotes:
 
Stephanie: My life is such a disaster. I might as well kill myself.
 
Heather: Don't joke about that. It's not funny.
 
Stephanie: Whose joking?
- - - - -
Mom: Stephanie, I've had just about all I can take from you.
 
Stephanie: Fine. I'll kill myself.
                             
 
* CENSORED: We start this episode out in the hallway where we see Caitlin walking around with pink hair. Punker chicks Spike and Liz tell her how great her new look is and Caitlin thanks them but admits that it's really just pink hairspray that washes out and that she plans on washing it out in the sink in the Girls Room before she heads home so her Mom won't see it. Caitlin goes in the principal's office for something or other and overhears parents complaing about "That Girl" being allowed to attend school with the "normal kids". She knows they are talking about pregnant Spike.
 
Caitlin wants to write an article for the school paper about Spike's right to go to school while pregnant. DEGRASSI DIGEST Editor Nancy doesn't care WHAT anybody who works on the school paper writes about as long as it's "200 words".  
Mr Raditch refuses to let the controversial article appear in the school paper so Caitlin writes a protest paper and hands it out.
 
Caitlin's article is a big hit with everybody. Except for Mr Raditch. And Spike. Spike is pissed off that Caitlin wrote the article without talking to her first. She reminds Caitlin that she's a person and not just a "hot topic" and by the end of the episode Caitlin realizes that unlike her pink hair Spike can't just wash her "rebellion" away at the end of the day.
 
The side story here is about LD's disgust at the "Sunshine Girls" pin-ups in Joey's locker. She says they're sexist and disgusting. Joey tells her she's just jealous. LD retaliates by putting pictures of male beefcake in HER locker and gushing about the male models "pecs" and "buns". She reports Joey to Doris Belll for having "pornography" in his locker. Joey turns the tables by telling Doris that LD has pornography in HER locker as well! (Check out Doris Bell TRYING to act disgusted as she leers and drools over the pictures of guys crotches and asses being  displayed in LD's locker!)
 
In the end of the episode LD, Joey AND Caitlin are ALL in Detention, along with School Bully Dwayne and a few other no-good-nik's.
 
Memorable DEGRASSI Quotes:
 
Joey (looking at pictures of women in lingerie and bikinis in his locker): Cindi, 21
          Likes all kinds of sports - Indoors and out. What a coincidence! So do I!
 
Snake: I like THIS one. Debi, 23, likes her men tall, blonde and into music. HERE
           I AM, DEBI, TAKE ME!!
 
Wheels: Ever notice all their names end in "I"? Must be a qualification or
                something.
 
LD: You're making women into sex objects!
 
Joey: So? What's your point?
 
Wheels and Snake: I'd LOVE to be a Sex Object!
 
LD: You wish!
- - - - -
Trish: Next issue I'd like to do an article on The Cutest Boys At DEGRASSI.
 
Big Fat Nancy: Pretty short article.
- - - - -
Joey (looking at LD and Alexa): So, guys, whaddaya think? "3"? "3.5"?
 
Snake: No. I'd say a "4". It'd be higher if her name ended in an "I".
 
Alexa: Who??? Me or LD???
 
LD: Alexa, don't listen to those pigs!
 
Snake, Wheels and Joey: Oh, PIGS! Oink oink oink! Soo-wee! Soo-wee!
 
* TRUST ME: Snake's parents are going away on an over-night trip. Joey and Wheels plan on  sleeping over Snake's house and "partying" with bad TV and junk food. The only thing they have to remember is that Wheels has an eye doctor appointment that he can not miss noon the next day.
 
When they get to Snake's house Joey notices the parents haven't taken their car with them and asks Snake if he has a set of keys. Snake says there is a set of keys in the kitchen but he isn't supposed to drive the car. Joey is totally obsessed with taking the car out for a joyride.
 
After a long night of eating pizza, chips and ice cream and watching zombie movies and raggae videos the guys wake up in their undies (Joey has on nothin' but tighty whities, Wheels has on nothin' but blue briefs and Snake, the prude, is wearing jeans - But he IS topless!) and realize they have to get Wheels to his eye doctor appointment like NOW. So Joey says they should take the car and Snake stupidly agrees.
 
They drop Wheels off at his eye appointment and Joey tells Snake they should take the car to go get fries and Snake stupidly agrees.
 
While in the diner they see the Simpson family car get backed into by another car. When they run into the parking lot they notice the car has a broken tail-light. They decide to use the money Wheels has been holding to buy a new amp to fix the tail-light.

When The Simpsons (D'oh!) get home they realize Snake and his friends used the car because the tail-light that THEY had broken on the car has been replaced!
Wheels's punishment is that he can't see Snake and Joey anymore, Snake is grounded for the rest of the year and Joey's parents confiscate his keyboard ( When Joey tells the guys his folks nabbed his keyboad they're all like "What?! Oh no, that means we can't jam together!" My question is How were they gonna jam together anyway when Wheels wasn't allowed to see Snake or Joey and Snake was grounded for the rest of the year???) The future of THE ZIT REMEDY hangs in the balance!
 
The other storyline in this episode revolves around Spike getting thrown out of school for being pregnant and "setting a bad example".
 
Memorable DEGRASSI Quotes:
 
Snake: Guys, guess what?! My parents are going to a wedding!
 
Wheels and Joey: So?!
 
Snake: It's outta town. They leave 4:00 Friday and they don't get back until 4:00
           Saturday. I'm staying at home.
 
Wheels and Joey: Paaaaa-rty!
- - - - -
Spike (about being pregnant): It's like I've got The Plague.
 
Eriks (reaching out to comfort her): Spiiiiiiiike.......
 
Spike: Don't touch me! It might be catching!
- - - - -
Snake: Joe-eeeeee......
 
Joey: Arch-eeeeee.....!
-----
Wheels Mom: How was the sleep-over?
 
Wheels: It was great. Right, Joey?
 
Joey: Dy-na-mite.
 
Wheels Mom: And how are Snake's parents?
 
Wheels: Uhhh...They were fine.
 
Joey: Nice people.
 
Wheels Mom: Whatever posessed you to take the car?
 
Wheels: Car?
 
Joey: What car?
 
Wheels Mom: That was Snake's father on the phone. He called to thank you for
                      fixing his tail-light. Which he broke last week.
 
* ...HE'S BACK: Mr Colby (aka "Mr Groper") returns and is subbing for Ms Avery's class. All the girls at DEGRASSI think he's sexy (That Mr Colby is so cunning and charismatic: He's like the Hannibal Lechter of child molesters! ) except for Caitlin who thinks he's creepy and Lucy who knows he a lech.
 
When Lucy notices Mr Colby showing "special interest" in Lil Susie (Mr Colby always had the Jungle Fever goin' on!) she freaks out. Mr Colby chases Lucy through the school (This scene actually used to scare my daughter!) and sort of gives her the 'you-got-nothin'-on-me' tease. Then he goes back to trying to massage Susie. 
 
When Lucy asks Susie about Mr Colby trying to pin her down to a desk Susie is too embaressed to tell anyone about it. The next day Mr Colby is gone like a thief in the night. Susie is relieved that he's gone and somebody else's problem now. Lucy tells her that if they don't file a complaint against him it will leave him free to do this to other girls. Lucy tells Susie that one day he might even do it to Susie's little sister Nora Jean (who looks like what you would get if you mixed DEGRASSI's Lucy and "Rudy" from THE COSBY SHOW together). Finally Susie decides to Do The Right Thing. She goes to report Mr Colby with Lucy,Wheels and LD's support.
 
All through this episode that dorky Alex Yankou guy is trying to come up with ways to raise money for the yearbook. Among his schemes are:
 
"A shoe shine!" - Everyone wears sneakers
 
"Casino Night!" - Gambling is illegal.
 
" A Walk-A-Thon!" - Everybody is too busy studying for final exams to participate.
 
Finally Caitlin tells the big dummy just do what they did last year: Ask Doris Bell for more money.
 
Bad DEGRASSI Fashion:
 
Lucy's Layered Look: A huge pink headband, A yellow sweatshirt crop-top with the word LUCY scrawled on it in puffy letters with a pink top underneath, high-water jeans, pink socks and MICHAEL JACKSON''s shoes that he wore in the Billie Jean video.
 
Memorable DEGRASSI Quotes:
 
Melanie (about Mr Colby): He's so handsome. Like out of a Soap Opera.
 
Susie: I wonder why he doesn't have "a regular job".
 
Caitlin: I think he's kinda creepy.
 
Melanie: WRONG, Caitlin. Not "creepy" - SEXY. There's a Big Difference.
- - - - -
Mr Colby (chases Lucy through school, corners her in audotorium): Lucy, Don't
              be scared. We used to be friends. What you saw just now - it wasn't
              what you think. I was just helping (Susie).
 
Lucy: RIGHT! Like you "helped" me?!
 
Mr Colby: I tryed to help. You were lonely. You needed someone to talk to. All
               we did was talk. If anything had HAPPENED you would have told
               someone. But you didn't. You have to watch that imagination of yours.
 
Lucy: If you come any closer I'll scream!
 
(He takes two steps closer)
 
Fascinating Fact: The little girl who plays Susie's little sister "Nora Jean" is the
                           real-life sister of Anais Granofsky who plays "Lucy".
 
* PASS TENSE: It's the end of the school year and Wheels is worried that he might get left back so he's boning up on the studying. Joey has a devil-may-care attitude: Why worry about school when THE ZIT REMEDY is gonna make them huge Rock Stars, right? Wheels, not only worried about passing is also a bit scared of playing in front of a live audience. Joey poohh-poohs that nonsense.
 
All throughout the episode Joey rags on Wheels cuz he's studying his a** off while Joey is fooling around with his keyboard and playing pinball at the local arcade (Sort of reminds you of the Story Of The Ant And The Grasshopper, doesn't it?)
 
Now the rub here is that Wheels ends up passing and Joey ends up getting left back. THE ZIT REMEDY are supposed to perform live for the 8th Grade Graduation Dance  and now that Joey has failed passing into the 9th grade he doesn't want to play the gig cuz he's embaressed to face everyone who - because of that fat chick Nancy's big mouth - knows that he got left back.
 
In the end Joey DOES show up for the gig in his suave-and-witty tuxedo t-shirt. His friends and "fans" are all really glad to see that he showed up. THE ZIT REMEDY plays, the DEGRASSI gang dances and claps like idiots and ...........Spike goes into labor!
 
Side stories involve the 7th graders being all pissed off that they have to set up for the 8th grade Graduation. Someone finds out that because of over-crowding DEGRASSI will be adding a 9th grade to the school, meaning that even though the 8th grade class is graduating they are not going to go off to new schools like they had hoped, they are going to be stuck at DEGRASSI with "the little kids"
The 7th graders revolt and refuse to set up for the 8th grade graduation. The 8th graders allow the 7th graders  to join in on the graduation party if they DO agree to help set up so they do.
 
Memorable DEGRASSI Quotes:
 
Joey: Please, Steph! Please can THE ZIT REMEDY play at the graduation?!
 
Steph: Joey!
 
Joey: No, look: We've been practicing all year. We're good!
 
Steph: So ask Mr Lawrence.
 
Joey: But YOU'RE the School President. If YOU say it's okay he'll let us! Please!
 
Steph: Okay, okay.
 
Joey: Thanks, Steph!

Steph: Only ONE song though!
 
Joey: We only KNOW one song!
- - - - -
Erika: Guys, think of all the HUNKS we're gonna meet in high school!
 
Heather: There are going to be NERDS in high school too, y'know.
 
Erika: Heather, don't be such a pessimist!
- - - - -
Joey: Who cares about high school? We're gonna be Rock Stars!!!
- - - - -
Wheels: I thought you wanted to be A Star. Rock Stars play in front of MILLIONS
             of people! You can't even play in front of your friends!
- - - - -
Mr Raditch: (During graduation) We'll be enetering the auditorium in Reverse Alphabetical Order.
 
Stupid Simon: What's THAT mean?!?!
 
SEASON THREE EPISODE GUIDE:
 
* CAN'T LIVE WITH 'EM PARTS 1 AND 2: What a pain in the a**  Wheels' parents have been lately! They never let him stay out late, jamming with Snake and Joey and are always pestering him to study, study, study. Parents! Who needs 'em?!
 
One night the folks go to a movie. They invite Wheels to join them but he declines, preferring to go hang out in Joey's basement jamming with THE ZIT REMEDY, who are trying to make a demo of their one song.  Joey has this tape recorder thing rigged up all professional-like so the guys can make a demo of their oh-so-fabulous one song Everybody Wants Something. The guys jam and when Joey goes to play back the tape they hear nothing but dead air. Stupid Joey didn't use the equipment right! Wheels is getting ready to pack it up and go home - his parents are expecting him after all - but Joey and Snake guilt him into sticking around to record the song again, enticing him by telling him that once this song is put on tape Joey can make copies and sell 'em to the kids at school! From there he can distribute them to a radio station and soon enough they'll be signed and famous and dripping with groupies! The thought of fame and loose sex appeals to Wheels so he sticks around, defying his parents.
 
When Wheels walks home with Snake that night he's surprised to see cop cars in front of his house. Snake leaves and that's when Wheels sees his Grandma and she tells him that his parents got in a car accident and are dead.
 
The next day at school no one knows about this whole Wheels's-Parents-Are-Dead thing yet. Joey is hanging out by his locker listening to his homemade demo for Everybody Wants Something and Snake comes up to him and says "There was a cop car in front of Wheels' house last night. Can you imagine? His parents called the cops on him for being five muntes late!" and Joey's like all "wow-they-suck" or something.
 
Then Joey goes to class and Mr Raditch announces to the students that the parents of one of the school's students have died in a terrible accident. He then tells the class that it was Wheels' parents and that the family wishes only to have really close friends at the funeral.
 
(Okay, this part always bugged me: Wait til you see the "close friends" who show up at this funeral! Michelle?! Spike and LIz?! I mean, some of these people I don't remember EVER seeing hanging out with Wheels at ALL!)
 
At the funeral Wheels is all silent and morose and nobody can work up the nerve to talk to him. A dark pall falls over the DEGRASSI gang.
 
When Wheels returns to school nobody knows how to deal and what to say to him. Mr Garcia says he's glad Wheels is back but nobody else else nuthin'.
 
So Wheels starts getting pissy that nobody is talking to him, not even Snake and Joey. Then he has a run in with Joey at Joey's locker and all Joey can say is "I made our demo tape. Here: I made you a copy" (Baaaaad Timing, Joey. Real Bad!) and Wheels freaks out and says "I don't want your stupid tape. I don't want your stupid band either!" and tosses the tape across the room where it breaks, and you can tell by his face that Joey's heart breaks with it.
 
The next time Joey runs into Wheels in the hallway things get ugly (I actually find this scene very funny:) Wheels starts pushing Joey around and saying stuff like "You You You! This is YOUR fault!" and saying that he should have gone to the movies that night instead of going to Joey's, all the while beating Joey with what can be best described as "Rock Em Sock Em Robot Arms". (Really: me and my daughter laugh our a**es off when we watch Wheels "beat Joey up") Finally Joey, still getting clocked, says "If you went to the movies too you'd be dead too" to which Wheels implys he wishes he WERE dead.
 
Later on the two make up and share a man hug and it's all very touching.(Awww!)
 
Now seeing that this is a Two Part Episode we get a lot of bang for our buck. Not only do we get entertained, we also learn a lot and we get to "meet" some new people!
 
First of all we find out that Arthur's mother won a lot of money in a lottery. Yick is the first to figure out Arthur has come into money because Arthur is wearing a REAL leather jacket. (Ooooooh!) Having acquired new-found wealth Mrs Kaye has launched Stephanie's no good ho a**  to private school, never to be seen again (because in real life the actress who played "Stephanie" left to do a TV show called LEARNING THE ROPES, which flopped. I will also point out that aside from not seeing "Stephanie" you ain't gonna be seeing "Voula" anymore (the chick who played her's agent suggested she leave DEGRASSI to work on better projects. She was never heard from again! D'oh!) The kid who played "Rick" decided acting wasn't his bag and HE left the show too. And apparently the chick who pleayed "Susie" left too, I know not why (Oddly enough, the guy who played "Scooter" was her brother and HE stayed on the show even after she left!). 
 
In this episode we also find out that annoying control freak Kathleen is running for Class President against that know-it-all b*tch Big Fat Nancy.
 
In this episode we meet the ever-so-annoying Bartholomew Bond that little, nerdy  albino kid with a blonde buff-puff afro who pals around with that annoying Scooter kid (Barty is the type of kid who carries his comic books around in a briefcase. Yikes). We also meet the 9th Grade teacher Mr Garcia. He takes the kids to BORDEN HIGH SCHOOL  (named after Lizzie?) for some of their high school classes. At BORDEN we meet Paul  the Urkel-esque soon-to-be-boyfriend of Lucy and his pal Clutch, who likes to make fun of "minor niners" (Grade 9 kids) and power-guzzle beer (we find that out in later episodes) . This is also the first time we get to see Clutch's oh-so-fabulous car which I will lovingly refer to as "the sh*t-box" from this point on.
 
In the hallway and in Mr Garcia's classroom we see that chick with the tall bright CRAYOLA red hair named Trudi. We also get to see a guy named Mac who and we also get to meet this blonde kid named Mark who looks like the teenage version of "Charlie Bucket" from WILLY WONKA. Also Amy and Alison get small camera time here as they loudly proclaim disgust at Spike having a baby at 14..... within ear-shot of Spike and all her friends And we also get to meet Arthur's "twin cousin" Dorothy who creepily looks soooo much like Arthur it's almost scary (she's played by the guy who plays Arthur's real-life sister)
 
Now if you haven't been "taking notes", Don't Worry: Most of this is for naught anyway as Trudi and Dorothy will only get very minor storylines and Mac and Mark are all but never heard from again except for maybe being seen in background scenery. Alison and Amy ARE important though, as they are the "cool" "hot" girls who guys like Joey and Snake will fantasize about during most of the run of the show. So remember them, okay? (Like you could forget Hot Stuff like THEM! As if!)
 
We also find out in this chock-full-of-factoids episode that Spike had a baby girl and named it Emma. We also learn that Shane is giving Spike half his allowance money for diapers now.
 
Bad DEGRASSI Fashion:
 
In this episode Arthur is shown parading around in a brown, letaher bomber jacket and a white scarf, looking like he's got a Red Baron-type plane waiting outside to fly himself home in.
 
Memorable DEGRASSI Quotes:
 
Arthur: It feels kinda weird not having my sister here this year.
 
Yick: Yeah. Where IS Stephanie anyway?
 
Arthur: Mom sent her to Private School. She has to wear a uniform. With knee
           socks!
 
Yick: Private school costs money.
 
Arthur: Yeah. A lot.
 
Yick: How come you're rich all of a sudden?

Arthur: Shhhh! I'm not rich.
 
Yick: Arthur, you're acting weird.
 
Arthur: I'm not acting weird. And I'm not acting rich either!
- - - - -
Wheels Has A Nightmare:
 
Wheels (to his parents): I thought you were dead!

His Parents: We ARE Dead (Dead, Dead, Dead)!

- - - - -

Bartholomew: You're crazy: SUPERMAN is way better than SPIDERMAN.

Scooter: SUPERMAN is boring.

Bartholomew: But SUPERMAN has super powers. All SPIDERMAN can do is shoot webbing.

Scooter: At least that's better than flying and stopping bullets. That's so fake.

Bartholomew: Yeah. But SPIDERMAN's got a girlfriend.

Scooter: So does SUPERMAN!

Bartholomew: Yeah, but they don't do mushy stuff. SPIDERMAN does All The Time! Yuck!

- - - - -

Alexa: Hey, you guys, Wheels is back. I just saw him.

Erika: Poor guy. What are we supposed to say to him?

BLT: Just don't mention anything about his parents.

Michelle: I don't think that's right.

BLT: Sure it is. You don't want to hurt the guy.

LD: But it's good to talk about it. When my Mom died it really helped me. It's sort  of like sharing the pain.

Mark: I don't wanna share any pain!

- - - - -

The "FUNNY" Fight Scene:

Joey: Wheels? Wheels? C'mon, Man, I thought we were friends!

Wheels: Yeah, Like Snake, right? He won't even talk to me!

Joey: He doesn't know what to say!

Wheels: No one talks to me. All they do is stare.

Joey: C'mon, Man, Relax.

Wheels: YOU made my parents mad at me! (shoves Joey)

Joey: No, I didn't! Relax!

Wheels: You messed everything up! You made me go to your house! It wouldn't have happened if I'd gone to the movie (big shove)!

Joey: You couldn't have stopped it.

Wheels: Yeah, you think you're so smart? What do you KNOW? I should have gone to the movie (shove)!

Joey: Wheeeels, no one knew they were gonna die. If you had gone you woulda' been dead too. You don't wanna be dead.

Wheels: Yes I Do! (Punches Joey in gut - Joey collapses - Wheels starts hitting Joey with Rock-Em-Sock-Em-Robot-Arms): It's all your fault - I shoulda gone to the movies - I shoulda went to the movies with them - I shouldn't have went to your place - They wouldn't have died - I shoulda gone to the movies - They wouldn't have died if I woulda went!  I just wish I was dead! (looks down at Joey who is hovering in fear in a fetal postition on the  floor) I'm going crazy! (punches locker and runs out of school)

*  A BIG GIRL NOW: Lucy has a boyfriend who is an older high school boy. She gushes about how cute he is (Not really. He's a sort of dorky-looking black guy with big, thick COKE bottle glasses) and starts spending all her time with him, to the dismay of her friends.

One night Lucy has a party and doesn't let any of her friends come to it: She only invites Paul and HIS friends. At the party Paul trys to talk Lucy into "Doing It" and she says "No".
 
When Paul's guy friends ask him if he and Lucy "Did It" he says "I'll never tell!"  (only he says it in a smarmy way that sort of implys that they DID "Do It", even though they didn't. That creep!) 
 
The next day the girls, who have figured out that Lucy DID have a party that they weren't invited to (She lied!) , have heard the rumor that Lucy and Paul were alone upstairs in Lucy's room all night (nudge, nudge, wink, wink, need I say more?). They assume Lucy  and Paul had sex and between that and Lucy lying to them they all turn on Lucy.
 
Lucy is apalled that her friends think she had sex with that skeezer Paul!
 
Also In This Episode:
 
Say it ain't so! Wheels has quit THE ZIT REMEDY! Joey is really upset about it...for about five minutes. Then he starts thinking about hiring a girl bass player who can "wear bikinis on stage"!
 
Snake finally works up the cojones to talk to Wheels again. Hatchet buried.
 
Kathleen, who wanted to be School President, loses out to Big Fat Nancy. As Vice President Kathleen complains to Nancy about "immature 8th graders" and is over-heard by her 8th grade friend Melanie who proceeds to show her maturity by pouring a container of milk over Kathleen's head.
 
Bad DEGRASSI Fashion:
 
Hey, Lucy, MICHAEL JACKSON called. He wants his jacket back!
 
Hey, Paul, Urkel called. He wants his glasses back!
 
Memorable DEGRASSI Quotes:

Paul: Hey, Clutch, guess what? Lucy's parents are going away all this weekend.
 
Clutch: Alright! Party!
 
Lucy: Ummm...Paul and I sort of want to be alone.
 
Clutch: You got all weekend to be alone. C'mon, we gotta PARTY. That's what
            life is for. Right, Paul?
 
Paul: Uhhh...Right.
 
Clutch: ALRIGHT then! Tomorrow night?
 
Lucy: Ummm...Not tomorrow night. I've got friends coming over.
 
Clutch: Tell your friends to come over another night. C'mon, do you wanna play
            with little kids or do you wanna party with us Big Kids?
- - - - -
Lucy (making out on bed with Paul): Paul, stop, please.
 
Paul: C'mon. Don't worry. I've got protection.
 
Lucy: No. Stop it.
 
Paul: Can't stop now.
 
Lucy: I'm sorry. I just wanna slow down, okay?
 
Paul: But I thought you "wanted to".
 
Lucy: So did I. But not yet.
 
Paul: C'mon, Lucy, I thought you really liked me.
 
Lucy: I DO like you.
 
Paul: Then PROVE it. It'll be so special.
 
Lucy: Paul, not now, okay?!
 
Paul: But I want to.
 
Lucy: Right! Just cuz your a guy I have to do everything you want?!
 
Paul: What's the Big Deal? Everyone's "Doing It".
 
Lucy: Fine. Then you won't have any problem finding someone ELSE to "Do It"
         with!
- - - - -
Clutch: Yo, Paul, ya score?
 
Paul: I'll never tell!
 
* SEASON'S GREETINGS: I hate this episode! It's a "Clip Show" episode! Grrrr!
 
It's Christmas time at DEGRASSI and the heater is broken and everyone is sweating their a** off.  The lesbian janitor is trying to fix it and saying nasty things to Joey (Is she hitting on him???)
 
Spike brings Baby Emma in and everyone coos and makes a fuss over the baby. Shane comes over and asks to hold Emma and Spike goes to snarl at him and one of her girlfriends says "Come on. It's Christmas time" so she lets him hold the baby.

Joey is trying the get Wheels and his grandparents (yes, even Drooling Grampa!)  to come spend the holidays at the Jeremiah homestead.
 
But none of those are the real major story-line here: The story this whole Recycled Bits Show hangs on is about Arthur, who is now rich and Yick, who is still poor, exchanging Christmas presents. Yick is nervous that his humble present will never live up to the wonderful present he assumes is in the huge, fancy box Arthur is handing him. This leads to Yick talking about how much Arthur has changed since he's come into money. Arthur tells Yick that he hasn't changed and that if anyone has changed it is Yick, who is acting like a spaz over Arthur now having money.
 
Arthur's dorky twin cousin Dorothy trys to help the guys make nice by reminding them of the good times they've had together in past shows (How would SHE know? She wasn't even IN any of those episodes!) So from there we see clips of past milestones in the Arthur And Yick Love Affair, including how they met (Arthur rescued Yick from a broom closet Joey and some hot guy named Hank locked him in on the first day of school),  Arthur breaking Yick's "priceless Ming vase" and Yick calling DR SALLY to ask her about Arthur's wet dreams. (Ewwwwwwwwwww!)
 
At the end of the episode the two buds are friends again and exchange gifts: Yick gives Arthur a $20 calculator he had to scrimp and save to buy and Arthur gives Yick...a cheap piece of crap! Actually, it's a band to hold up Yick's glasses and Yick angrily says "What'd that cost you? Three bucks?" to which Arthur reminds Yick that it's the thought that counts. Yick puts the band on his glasses and - Get this - They STILL slip down!
 
Memorable DEGRASSI Quotes:
 
Yick (to Arthur): What about the time you had those dreams???
 
Dorothy: What "dreams"?!?!
 
Arthur: Uhhh...nevermind.
 
Yick: If it wasn't for me you'd have a complex or something!
 
Fascintaing Fact: The girl who plays "Dorothy" (Annabelle Waugh) is the real-life
                           sister of the kid who plays Arthur (Duncan Waugh). But you
                           probably could tell that just by looking at them. It's Arthur in
                           glasses and a dress, Yo!
 
* LOVES ME, LOVES ME NOT: Joey is in the hallway selling THE ZIT REMEDY tapes. Not only do they feature the band's (one and only) hit song Everybody Wants Something, they feature The EXTENDED Version Of Everybody Wants Something! Kids are actually buying the tapes, saying loud enough for Joey to hear: "They're cheaper than regular tapes. We can buy them and tape over them!"
 
Caitlin, who has been making puppy dog eyes at Joey lately (since Rick moved!)  buys a tape and Joey is thrilled. That day they also get paired to work on an assignment together which involves them going to see a movie together and then reviewing it, (Well, it's SORT of a date, right?)
 
They go see some High School Kids Trying To Get Laid flick called TEEN ACADEMY IV and Joey loves it and Caitlin hates it. So they put togther a cute little review where Joey gives the film three thumbs up and Caitlin gives it three thumbs down. Somehow the school dance gets brought up and Joey asks Caitlin if she's going and he says that if she does he'll dance with her. Caitlin totally confuses Joey's promise to dance with her a few times - or maybe even ONCE - with Joey asking her to go to the dance as his date and she's over the moon, gushing to all her girlfriends that she has a date with Joey. Little does she know Joey wants to go to the dance with Liz.
 
So Caitlin has a Totally '80s Dress Up Montage, puts a pound of mousse in her hair, slicks it back and heads to the dance looking like one of those chicks in the ROBERT PALMER Addicted To Love video. When she gets to the dance she giggles with her girlfreinds about how this is gonna be a Hot Date with Joey. Then Joey walks in, says "Caitlin, Hi, have you seen Liz?" and walks right past her and into the waiting arms of Liz. Joey and Liz walk into the dance together unaware that they are smashing Caitlin's heart into a million tiny pieces.
 
Caitlin goes home and crys and throws the ZIT REMEDY tape in the garbage (where it belongs!)
 
The B story in this epsiode involves quiet, white girl Michelle being interested in black, outgoing boy BLT. Her friend Alexa, who is dating Simon, offers to set her and BLT up but on the double-date picnic Alexa spends the whole time chatting up BLT and leaving Michelle and Simon in the dust. She later tells Michelle Classic DEGRASSI Quote: "Boys are like buses. If you miss one another will come along in a few minutes" 
 
At the school dance Michelle and Simon, hanging all over eachother, walk past Alexa who is standing waiting for Simon and Michelle says the Classic DEGRASSI Quote: "Oh, Hi, Alexa. Waiting for a bus?"
 
More Classic DEGRASSI Quotes:
 
(Girls are sitting in lunchroom. Melanie notices Joey looking over at Caitlin)
 
Melanie: Caitlin,....Don't look now...but JOEY is looking this way.......
 
Caitlin: What?!
 
Melanie: ...at YOU!
 
Caitlin: Really?! What do I do?!
 
Trudi: Get on the table and dance!
 
(Girls all laugh - Except for Caitlin who is panicking)
 
Caitlin: Seriously: What do I do?
 
Melanie: You're blushing!
 
Caitlin: I'm not blushing.
 
Melanie: You are too! You are! The Man Of Your Dreams is WAITING! I better call
             him! JOE-EEEEE!
 
Caitlin: I'm very embaressed. I'm very, very embaressed!
- - - - -
Yick (to Arthur): What's wrong with your cousin? She keeps stareing at me.
 
Arthur: She's weird. She used to have a pet rat.
 
Yick: Y'know what? You two sure look alike.
 
Arthur: We do not!
 
Yick: You do too!
 
Arthur: Yick, we do not!
 
Yick: You do too! Five bucks on it, I swear!
 
Arthur: You always say this just to get me mad!
- - - - -
Dorothy: Hi, Arthur.
 
Arthur: Go away. I told you never to speak to me here. It's bad for my 'image".
 
Dorothy: But I have to ask you something.
 
Arthur: What?
 
Dorothy: Does Yick like me?
 
Arthur (totally grossed out): NO WAY!!!! Now get lost! Beat it! Scram!
- - - - -
Alexa (watching Michelle and SImon dance together): Let's dance.
 
BLT: I'm fine right here.
 
Alexa: I wanna dance!
 
BLT: But I have to finish this (cup of punch).
 
Alexa: I said "DANCE"!
* * *
I Cant Help But Wonder:
 
1. Whatever posessed the writers on this show to make Arthur's look-alike cousin have a crush on Yick? That's really creepy and gross if you think about it. If we found out Yick wanted to reciprocate this love that would be like finding out that Yick secretly wants to make out with Arthur! Like ewwwwwwwww! That would be TOTALLY like that SEINFELD episode where George was dating a woman who looked just like Jerry!
 
2. Dorothy expresses her love for Yick by sneaking around following him and squirting him with a water-pistol. Scooter used to do that too! Did HE have a crush on Yick as well? Hmmmmmmm.......
 
* HE AIN'T HEAVY: Mr Gacia's class does an experiment where they all get envelopes and then have to shake hands with four people. After that they open their envelopes and it ends up Snake has the "AIDS envelope". So everyone who shook his hand has "been infected" and anyone who has shook the hands of anyone who shook hands with Snake has "been infected". (Certain people have something in their envelopes that implys they "used a condom").
 
Because this was the '80s and people were really ignorant about AIDS a lot of people thought AIDS was only passed around by homosexuals. Since Snake got the "AIDS card" all his dumb guy friends make gay jokes, making limp wrists and lisping "Snake, you never told me you were.....you know!" and make pansy jokes, because we all know thirteen year old heterosexual males think homosexuals are tho thilly!
 
Snake takes some ribbing but, aside form that class excercise,  he's a pretty well-respected guy. I mean, He'd HAVE to be, right? Cuz his brother is The One And Only Glenn SImpson, All Star Basketball Star Of DEGRASSI (His picture still hangs in the hallowed halls!)
 
One day Glenn stops by to visit and him and Snake start shooting the sh*t and when Snake asks Glenn how Med school dorm life is going Glenn tells Snake that he's getting ready to move out of the dorm and in with a roommate. Snake gets all wet saying "Is it a girl?" and Glenn says he's moving in with a guy. Then he drops the bomb: He's moving in with his lover. His male lover. He's gay. Gay, damn it, do you UNDERSTAND?!
 
Snake is totally blown away to find out his brother is light in the loafers. How could he be?! He's a great basketball player! It boggles the mind!

So now all of a sudden Snake isn't finding the guys at school's homo jokes so funny and, even worse, Snake's parents are less than thrilled to hear Glenn is gay. They disown him. He is never heard from again.  (Which I'm pretty sure is what happened to the older, basketball-playing brother Chuck on HAPPY DAYS too!)
 
By the way, while this is all going on Joey is hanging around a radio station called C.R.A.Z.  trying to get his THE ZIT REMEDY demo tape heard. This only succeeds in landing him a Boy Friday - Junior Janitor job.
 
Also in this episode: Lucy has been given the Ice Cold Shoulder Treatment from LD, Heather and Erika for the past few episodes because they think she porked Paul. In this episode she calls Paul over and - in front of Clutch and everything! - asks him to admit they never "Did It". Relieved their friend is still a virgin, the girls make up with Lucy.
 
Bad DEGRASSI Fashion:
 
Caitlin's jewel-encrusted headband makes her look like a Nubian Princess!
 
Shane's bosom-bareing t-shirt harness: Dude, it's either Shirts or Skins, Pick one!
 
Memorable DEGRASSI Quotes:
 
Simple Simon: I didn't know you can get AIDS from shaking hands!
- - - - -
Snake (acting gay): Let's go put on some make-up, Boys! TO THE BOYS ROOM!
- - - - -
Joey: Joey Jeremiah Will Not Be Denied!
- - - - -
Glenn:Classes weren't cancelled. That's not why I'm home. ...... The reason I
         came home is to tell Mom and Dad and YOU I'm moving out of the dorm.
         Into a nice apartment downtown with a "good friend". We have so much
         in common. And there's a lot of things we wanna do together. Someone
         I care for very much.
 
Snake: Sure. Oh I get it! You're moving in with some GIRL, right?!
 
Glenn: No. It's a guy. His name is Greg.
 
Snake: So?
 
Glenn: He's gay.
 
Snake: What are you living with "One Of Those" for????
 
Glenn: I'm gay too.
 
Snake: You're joking, right?!
 
Glenn: I hope you can understand. (Snake is paralyzed with shocked disbelief).
- - - - -
Snake (to gay brother Glenn): I'm not gonna be LIKE YOU, am I?!
- - - - -
Paul (calling from Clutch's car to Lucy who is in front of school with LD, Heather   and Erica):  Hey, Lucy!
 
LD: You're boyfriend is calling. Better run.
 
Lucy: I told you: We split up.
 
LD: Awww, and you were just "getting started".
 
Lucy: NOTHING happened at my party!
 
LD: Everyone knows your "little secret".
 
Lucy: Fine. You don't believe ME? Let's ask HIM.(starts to walk to Clutch's car, looks back at girls still standing in front of DEGRASSI)  Do you wanna know or not??? (Lucy walks over to Clutch's car with girls following behind)
 
Paul: Hi. I missed you.
 
Lucy: Did we have sex?
 
Paul: WHAT?
 
Lucy: At my party. Did we have sex?
 
Paul (feeling uncomfortable in front of Clutch, who is stifling laughter): We had "A
        Good Time".
 
Lucy: Did we or did we NOT have sex? (Paul pauses) Tell me to my face!!!
 
 
* THE WHOLE TRUTH: Liz is handing out Stop the Cruelty To Animals leaflets. She explains to Righteous Caitlin (always searching for a good cause) that people use animals for Scientific experiments. Caitlin is outraged to find out that some cosmetic companies test their products on animals and starts working to protest against them. One such company is the LAURA VEE make-up line, which is run by the father of Trish, who begs Caitlin not to name the company in her protest. Caitlin will not back down. She is out to name names and stop animal testing once and for all.
 
After doing further research, Caitlin finds out that animal testing is done to research drugs and medications too . In fact, the pills she is taking to control her epilepsy were tested on lab animals. She later tells Liz that she can't go to the Animal Rights rally with her because there are two sides to every story and she doesn't want to be a hypocrite. Liz snarls and storms away.
 
The B story here is sort of amusing: It revolves around Scooter and Bartholomew Bond ( who aside from this episode never got a good story-line). They buy "Dehydrated Sea Creatures" (that's "Sea Monkeys" to you and me, Folks) from an ad in the back of a comic book (And it's not even a reputable comic book like ARCHIE or RICHIE RICH - it's some goofy thing called GRUESOME GARGOYLES) and they are totally mystified to WHY the crystals they have poured into a bowl of water have not turned into crown-wearing, singing, dancing kings and queens (Remember: Up until now we have been led to believe that Scooter and Barty are child prodigy geniuses!) As if Scooter and Bartholomew don't look stupid enough squinting, scratching their heads and trying to figure out WHERE their kingdom of little people are, they look even MORE moronic when they come to school one day and find that their fish bowl has a castle and some goldfish in it, and instead of realizing that the smiling Ms Avery put the stuff in the bowl, they think that the stuff magically appeared due to the powers of the brine shrimp crystals they put in the tank a few days ago! (Whatta bunch of maroons!)
 
The C story here is about Joey working as a Junior Janitor at the C.R.A.Z. radio station and his attempts to get the ZIT REMEDY demo tape heard by radio station personnel. The cute, female receptionist with the lilting British accent keeps foiling his plans to get the tape heard by the station manager and the DJs, but he DOES get Sex Expert Dr Sally to listen to it. She tells him that it's good and encourages him to keep working on it. She then asks him how Arthur's been doing with his wet dreams (Okay, I made that last part up!) 
 
A recurring theme throughout this story and the next is Alexa trying to "change" potential new boyfriend BLT by trying to get him to hold hands, wear preppy clothing and go see gushy, romantic movies. (This C story-line is only of interest because in a future epsiode we find out that Alexa's parents don't like her going out with Simon because he's "not Greek". One is to assume they would just DIE if they knew Alexa was trying to go out with a black boy!)
 
Memorable DEGRASSI Quotes:
 
Caitlin (repeated line): The poor monkey!
- - - - -
Bartholomew (looking at Sea Monkey crystals floating in a fish bowl): Looks like
                    dust particles.
 
Scooter: You just wait and see. When they come to life we can get them crowns
              and stuff - Just like in the picture!
- - - - -
Joey: THE ZIT REMEDY is going places! I got us in at C.R.A.Z. CRAZY RADIO.
 
BLT: C.R.A.Z.? Man, that's the hottest station in town!
 
Alexa: They have Dr Sally, the Sex Show lady! I love her show! It's sooo kinky!
* * *
Look For:
 
Vicky - putting on lipstick in the Ladies Room
 
Rainobw - modeling a raspberry beret in Mr Raditch's class
 
Spike - She looks great in this episode! Her hair is all crimped and spiked
           (no pony-tail) and is a very flattering shade of platinum. Her
           outfits in this episode are very cute too.
 
 
* STAR-CROSSED: After telling twin sister Heather that her horoscope predicts that she will find love (Wait a minute: Wouldn't Erica and Heather have the SAME horoscope? Why does Erica refer to it as "MY Horoscope"?!)  Erica decides she has a crush on Clutch, that long haired guy with a car who pals around with Lucy's X-boyfriend Paul. She wants to go to the DEGRASSI Charity Bowl-A-Thon  with him. Because she's such a big believer in Astrology she has Heather ask Clutch's friend Faith, who is also into Astrology, what Clutch's sign is. Moments later Faith tells Clutch that Heather was asking about him. Clutch isn't really interested in Heather OR Erica but he wants to go to the Bowl-A-Thon because he knows that Lucy will be there. He sees The Twins hanging out in front of BORDEN and he calls Heather over and, thinking that she's the twin who likes him, asks her to go to the bowling thingy with him. Heather - who is NOT the twin who likes him - turns the date down. When she tells Erica that Clutch asked her out Erica pitches a hissy. But then the two get a Bright Idea.
 
Now you pretty much KNEW when you started watching this show and saw that it had twins in it that at least ONE story was gonna involve the twins pulling a "Lets-Switch-Places-And-Fool-'Em " stunt in it, right? Well, that's what this episode's story-line is about. Erica and Heather devise a plan in which they will pretend that Erica is Heather and she will go back to Clutch and accept the date with him. (Why didn't one of them just tell Clutch that Erica was the one who liked him?!)
 
The day of the bowling match Erica has a dentist appointment and so The Twins decide that half-way through the date with Clutch Erica will meet Heather in the Ladies Room and switch clothes. She will go to the dentist appointment and when she gets back she and Heather will go in the Ladies Room and switch clothes AGAIN and then she will finish up the date with Clutch. (Clutch must be pretty stupid: Not only does he NOT notice the girls pulling "The Old Switcheroo" on him, he also doesn't seem to notice that Heather has totally different teeth than Erica - or maybe I just notice this because I watch the show waaaay too much!)
 
At the bowling alley (Check out those teeny tiny bowling balls! Is that a Canadian thing?!) Clutch doesn't care too much about Heather and Erica's Wicked Game cuz he's too busy swooning over Lucy. (Wow - and this guy is "Paul's best friend"???) Lucy must not care about The Twins too much either cuz she starts making kissy-kissy goo-goo eyes at Clutch and by episodes end Clutch and Lucy are a couple.
 
At the end of the episode The Twins are sitting outside the bowling alley bummed. They try to cheer themselves up by evily getting joy out of the fact that not only weren't Erica and Clutch Destined To Be because their signs don't go well together but Lucy and Clutch's signs don't go well together EITHER so Lucy will eventually be getting burned in the love department too. Tee Hee Hee. They make plans to meet Alexa and Simon at Alexa's house for baklava later.
 
Background story-lines involve Wheels getting into a fist-fight with a huge, black guy at BORDEN who makes "niner" jokes and then taunts "What are you gonna do: Run home to cry to Mommy and Daddy?"  (I swear, in this season Wheels turned into a Ball O' Rage and it was just all downhill for him from there) and Alexa, unable to mold BLT into the kind of man she wants, deciding that she wants Simon back. She apologizes to Michelle and Simon for flirting with BLT. Simon takes her back and Michelle makes up with her. BLT offers to walk Michelle home from the bowling alley and inter-racial love blooms. 
 
Bad DEGRASSI Fashion:
 
 Is it just me or are most of the girls wearing REALLY big belts in this episode?
 
Faith - She looks like she should be doing Tarot card readings in the parking lot at a MOTORHEAD concert.
 
Memorable DEGRASSI Quotes:
 
Clutch: Chicks are a dime a dozen.
 
Paul: Not Lucy.
 
Clutch: Okay, so maybe she's worth a QUATER. Big deal!
- - - - -
Erica: What did he (Clutch) want???
Heather: He asked me out.
 
Erica: What???
 
Heather: Faith told him I was asking about him. Now he thinks I like him. Whatta
             jerk.
 
Erica: YOU WITCH!
 
Heather: What?!
 
Erica: See if I'M never nice to you again! I'M the one whose supposed to be falling
          madly in love! YOU messed it up! THIEF!
 
Look For:
 
Faith (How could you miss her???) The Punk Rock Gypsy Woman Of BORDEN: She's the chick with the mohawk and the stars painted on her face who is wearing moon-and-star earrings, a huge pentagram necklace and a black frock adorned with pentagrams and other mystical, devil-worshipper symbols.
 
That little Asian girl - I think her name is Vivian - squeeling and jumping up and down and acting like a spaz at the bowling alley with Dorothy and Tessa. (Oh yes, that is going to get Older Man Yick's attention, Girls! Whether you can bowl or not doesn't matter - Take it from me: He is NOT interested.)
 
* FOOD FOR THOUGHT: Eighty pound weakling Kathleen, ever the over-achiever, is suddenly obsessed with her weight. "You're so fat!" she says to her reflection in the mirror. She starts starving herself and when she DOES eat she makes herself throw up afterwords.
 
Her friend Melanie is noticing Kathleen's strange behavior and starts to ask questions but Kathleen just brushes her off.
 
While the girls are working on a Science project together at Kathleen's house, Kathleen's lush mother brings in a plate of cookies and Kathleen sits there maniacally piling them in ("CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH": The sound of Kathleen wolfing down cookies is DEAFENING!)  Melanie is stareing at her in disbelief and says "I TOLD you you should have eaten lunch!" . Kathleen excuses herself, goes in the bathroom and TOSSES  her cookies While Kathleen is in the can Melanie finds the journal Kathleen has been carrying around and reads it and finds out  that it's Kathleen's Eating Disorder Diary. When she trys to talk about it with Kathleen, Kathleen is furious.
 
While this is going on Heather and Erica are doing THEIR Science project on Eating Disorders and so they are observing everybody's eating habits and trying to figure out who has an eating disorder and whose just naturally skinny (They think Lucy is anorexic cuz she's slender but not Tessa because Tessa eats crap. Oh yeah, people with eating disorders NEVER eat crap, right?!)
 
Meanwhile Alexa has decided she must lose a few pounds to keep sexy, stupid Simon interested. She thinks of  trying anorexia or maybe builmia or maybe diet pills (And she's one of those Annoying Chicks On A Diet who gets all in your face sniffing the food you're eating and going "That looks sooooo goooooood!").
 
Bartholomew Bond and Scooter - who are supposed to be super intelligent, right?- are doing a Science experiment using two rabbits. They are feeding the female rabbit Jill only healthy food and the male rabbit Jack only junk food. Jack is hardly changing at all but Jill is getting fatter and fatter. The two "geniuses" surmise
that this must mean that healthy eating is actually BAD for you. They are all excited at the prospect of changing the way the world eats  ("Cheezys for breakfast! Chocolate for lunch!.....)  When they tell Ms Avery that the female rabbit is getting fat Ms Avery trys to point out the obvious: That Barty and Scoot have left a MALE rabbit and a FEMALE rabbit in a cage together for a few weeks. Barty and The Scoot have confused looks on their faces. Then Ms Avery delicately tells them about the facts of life and.........they still look totally baffled,  not knowing what the f*ck the woman is getting at! FINALLY she bludgeons them with the fact that Jack and Jill been screwing and that Jill is knocked up! (They are so stupid she just about has to draw pictures of it and act it out using sock puppets! Won't somebody PLEASE put these two stupid, little narbos back in grammar school where they belong?!)
 
At the Science Fair Kathleen is all hyper and just about popping a blood vessel trying to win First Prize for her and Melanie's project on Pollution (This Science Fair is either totally rigged or a total "writers device" because Arthur and Yick make a WORKING home-made robot out of parts of old toys and they only win third prize! Meanwhile Heather and Erica write a paper on Eating Disorders and spread out a plethora of junk food on a table as their "display" and they nab FIRST PRIZE! Wow - in an episode about Eating Disorders the chicks who make a project about Eating Disorders get First Prize - Whatta Big Surprise!) After the Science Fair winners are announced and Kathleen and Melanie only nab a measly "Honerable Mention" Kathleen has a fit about how she can't believe she failed and how she wants her parents to be proud of her and....then she passes out and hits the floor (But there's no big THUD when she lands because, well, Kathleen only weighs about 76 pounds). Melanie starts to freak out and Ms Avery comes running to the rescue.
 
The next day at school we find out that Melanie spilled the beans about Kathleen's eating disorder to Ms Avery and Ms Avery has signed Kathleen up for counseling. Because of this Kathleen tells Melanie that she hates her and dumps her as a friend.
 
Memorable DEGRASSI Quotes:
 
Kathleen (repeated line - whenever she looks in a mirror): You're so fat!
- - - - -
Alexa: I'd love to have a little anorexia. Just for a week.
- - - - -
Caitlin: This is KATHLEEN: The Wicked Witch Of DEGRASSI.
- - - - -
Kathleen (scarfing down cookies): CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH
              CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH
 
Melanie: I TOLD you you should have eaten lunch!
- - - - -
Melanie: Her diary is just a list of what she's eaten - It's hardly anything! She
             must be starving!
 
Caitlin: Well, at least that explains why she's so bitchy all the time.
- - - - -
Melanie: What are you doing with laxatives?
 
Kathleen: What do you THINK?!
- - - - -
Alexa: Simon, I just wanna say I'm not gonna lose weight for you. I like me the
          way I am.
 
Simple Simon: I like me the way....I mean, I like YOU the way you are too.
 
 
* TWENTY BUCKS: The GOURMET SCUM concert is coming to town and some of the DEGRASSI kids are planning to go. Spike is all psyched that she will get to go - But wait: - Shane comes sauntering over to tell her that he can't give her his Child Support Payment this month. He fudges a reason why, but the REAL reason why is because he's using the money to buy HIMSELF a GOURMET SCUM ticket. That rat b*stard! It'll make ya so mad you wish something bad would happen to Shane ( And it does) !
 
Meanwhile BLT bets Joey $20 he can't get a date so he runs around asking out a bunch of different girls, finally getting Caitlin to say "yes".
 
At the end of the date Caitlin overhears someone saying Joey only went on the date to win a bet and she furiously pours soda all over him and storms out. Joey chases after her and tells her the twenty bucks doesn't matter, that he really likes her and to prove it he rips the twenty bucks up (Awwwwwwwwwww!). He walks her home and romance blooms. Caitlin and Joey start dating.
 
B story: Melanie gets her braces off and takes a bunch of her friends out to celebrate. She blows her whole wad on pizza and soda and THEN gets asked out by Snake to the GOURMET SCUM concert but Get this - Snake, that cheap b*stard, doesn't wanna pay for BOTH tickets so if Melanie wants to go to the concert with him she'll have to pony up twenty bucks for her ticket. Since she pines for Snake she accepts his offer, planning on borrowing twenty bucks from her Mom. Her Mom tells her that there's no money to spare (Deadbeat Dad hasn't made his Child Support Payment this month!) Melanie, so desperate for that date with Snake, decides to steal some money from Mom's purse and sneak it back in later when she gets paid for her baby-sitting gig. But wait: The baby-sitting gig gets cancelled and soon Melanie's mother is realizing twenty bucks is amiss. She thinks she lost it by accident. When she announces to Melanie that they have no money for groceries and will have to eat chilli for the next few weeks Melanie's guilt sinks in and she confesses that she stole the money. Melanie tells Snake she can't go to the concert.
 
TAKING OFF PARTS 1 & 2: Classic DEGRASSI: Wheels has not been getting along with his grandparents lately ("Old bag!" he hisses at his grandmother every time she says something he doesn't wanna hear). He's been acting all Bad Seed, cutting school, hanging out at the arcade......He even sold his bass and quit THE ZIT REMEDY (A Cry For Help if ever there was one)! He gets a Happy Birthday postcard from his biological father Mike (even though his birthday is months away) that says he and his band MIKE AND THE DRIFTERS are playing gigs in a hotel lounge in Port Hope. Wheels - tired of living with his grandparents - decides he's going to pack it up and go stay with Mike in Port Hope.
 
Wheels gets some money from Snake and Joey and makes them promise to not tell anyone where he went. Then he runs away. He hitchikes (dancing and playing air guitar...or in HIS case I guess it would be "air bass") to the strains of  Everybody Wants Something). It goes pretty well until he runs afoul a middle-aged salesman. The guy starts out with innocent enough small-talk "What's your name?" "Most people call me Wheels" "Because you like to travel?" "No, cuz my last name is Wheeler" but then the questions start getting a little weird:  "You got a girlfriend? You never fooled around, eh? You should try it. It feels good! Nothin' wrong with something that feels good, dontcha think?" (Here - When THAT Red Flag goes up - Wheels sort of makes an uncomfortable face like he KNOWS things have gone strangly awry, and yet HE STAYS IN THE CAR WITH THE GUY!!!!!) 
 
The guy says he has to make a stop and Wheels complies. They drive down a deserted road (we know we're in trouble because of the ominous sound of "moo-ing" from the cows, which is to let us know that Wheels and this shady guy are in The Middle Of Nowhere). The guy puts the car in park, then unbuckles his seatbeat and in a Classic DEGRASSI Moment starts to give Wheels a sexy come-hither look. He reaches over and starts grabbing Wheels by the ....uhhhh....leg. ("You know what, Wheels, you're a good-looking young man. Relax. You've got strong legs!" he purrs in a freaky voice I can still hear in my nightmares sometimes!) Wheels, who NOW realizes he's being molested, jumps out of the car, grabs the nearest rock and threatens to bludgeon the guy with it. The guy hurrys back into his car and throws the  duffel bag Wheels has been traveling with out of the car and peels out. Wheels sighs - a little wiser and still a virgin  - and starts to walk the long and winding road to Port Hope.
 
The B story in this episode is great too! A few of the DEGRASSI gang are going to the GOURMET SCUM concert. Luke plans on buying acid so he and Shane can trip out during the show (Listen to the ominous music that plays while Luke and Shane talk about buying and taking drugs. Oooooh - Let's us know that what they are doing is BAAAAD!) Luke, it would seem, is an Old Pro at taking drugs. This will be Shane's first (and last) time.
 
At the show Luke hands Shane a hit of acid and Shane says something about not wanting to "eat paper" ("I thought it would be a pill") and Luke (to his credit) tells Shane he doesn't HAVE to take the acid. Shane, to prove he is a man and NOT afraid to "eat paper" takes the hit and they go smiling on in to the arena to meet up with Joey, Snake and Tim, who will be at the concert totally straight-edge and NOT tripping on acid  (Don't they wonder why Shane and Luke are laughing their asses off during the show?)
 
The next day Shane is Missing In Action and his elderly, ultra-religious parents call all his friends looking for him. They call Joey who tells them that Shane was with Luke at the concert. The cops show up at Luke's house asking questions, one of which is "Did he takes any drugs?" to which Luke - that lying sack of sh*t! - says "No, he doesn't do that stuff. I don't know ANYONE  who does that stuff" (Hey, Luke, look in any mirrors lately?!)  At the end of the episode we are made aware that Shane, flying high on acid, jumped off a bridge and got totally f*cked up and is now lying in a hospital bed, clinging to life, never to be normal again!
 
I love this episode. My daughter says she doesn't like it. I think the whole Dirty Old Man Grabbing Wheels By The Leg thing upsets her. Me? I just think it's funny!
 
Memorable DEGRASSI Quotes:
 
Grandma: So how was school today?
 
Wheels: Fine.
 
Grandma: Derr-rick, why do you lie to me? They phoned this afternoon. You
               haven't BEAN there AGAIN.
 
Wheels: Maybe I don't wanna go to school.
 
Grandma: But education is so important. I'm sure your PARENTS would want you
               to go.
 
Wheels: Why should THEY care? They're DEAD!
- - - - -
Wheels (repeated line he uses when pissed off at Grandma): Old bag!
- - - - -
Snake (after seeing Joey talking to Caitlin who is tutoring him): Joey Jeremiah - In
           Love.
 
Joey: Snake, she's helping me with Math. That's all. Anyway, she's cute, right?!
 
Snake: He gazed across his Math text book. He WANTED to tell her that she
            was beautiful, but the sign said "SILENCE". He didn't WANT to get
            kicked out of the library AGAIN!
 
Joey: Whatta funny guy!
- - - - -
Wheels (early in the morning - on the phone): Meet me at the arcade in twenty
            minutes.
 
Joey: Twenty minutes?! Wheels I haven't even showered yet! It's my day to shave!
- - - - -
Male Cop: Hello, Luke, remember me?

Luke: Yeah.
 
Male Cop: Last time we met you said "He doesn't do that stuff. I don't know
                ANYONE who does that stuff". We were talking about drugs.
 
Luke: Honest: We don't do that stuff.
 
Male Cop: We found Shane. We found him below a bridge. It looks like he jumped
              -  Or perhaps he fell.
 
Luke: Is he alright?
 
Female Cop: He's alive, Luke. BARELY. He's in the hospital.
 
Luke: Will he be okay?
 
Female Cop: I'm afraid it's too soon to say.
 
Male Cop: NOW I want you to tell me the truth. We've talked to a lot of people,
                Luke. We have reason to believe he was on drugs.
 
(Luke vehemently shakes his  head "No". Male Cop gives him angry look)
 
Luke: Well, maybe he took some acid, okay?
- - - - -
Wheels (meeting Mike's pregnant fiancee): You're gonna keep it, aren't you?
            You're not going to throw it away like you threw ME away!
- - - - -
Grandma: Can't you stop for five minutes and realize that we love you?!
 
Wheels: No you don't! You don't want me! NO ONE wants me!
 
Grandma: You selfish, selfish little boy!
 
* MAKING WHOOPEE: Arthur doesn't like his Dad's new, beer-swilling, Bea Arthur lookin' girlfriend.....Especially after he walks into Dad's room one morning and finds both of them in there in the bed together! Nekkid! AWK-WARD!
 
He decides he's going to play corny practical jokes on her (Whoopee cushion?) to make her go away. Eventually she DOES  tire of Arthur's shenanigans and she and the father break up leaving Dad all lovesick and humorless and Arthur wondering if perhaps he's done the wrong thing.
 
While this is going on everyone is getting ready for the DEGRASSI Open House. Alex Yankou wonders if he should greet people by saying "WELCOME to Degrassi" or by saying "Welcome to DEGRASSI"  (Why doesn't he just say "Welcome TO Degrassi"?) and elsewhere romance is blooming: Alison thinks Snake is a "hunk" and asks him to help her in Math. Melanie still longs for Snake but feels she can't compete with blonde and beautiful "niner" Alison. Snake still likes Melanie but is afraid to ask her out cuz all their other dates have been sheer crap. Joey can't stop talking about Caitlin and how pretty she is (An embaressing fact Mrs Jeremiah TELLS Caitlin right IN FRONT OF JOEY during Open House).
 
Tim is pissed off at Luke (who has officially been labeled a "druggy" by the kids at school - Boy, you send ONE friend tripping on acid to go flying off a bridge and people start calling you names!) because he won't go visit Shane in the hospital.
 
Kathleen has been refusing to talk to Melanie (because of that letting-Ms Avery-know-about-the-eating-disorder thing) but by episodes end she has things rigged so that Melanie - who is fighting Alison for the opportunity to be partners with Snake at the Open House  - gets paired with Snake. She also over-hears Alison and Amy talking trash about Melanie and cuts them down to size by telling them "At least Melanie's NICE, which is more than I can say for either of you!". Kathleen and Melanie make up and Snake asks Melanie to go to The Graduation Dance with him (Squeeeeeeeeel!)
 
Bad DEGRASSI Fashion: Alison and Amy's matching sweaters: Alison's is yellow and black and Amy's is green and black but the print and style is exactly the same. Did they PLAN that? Like - Really? - Did one call the other one on the phone the night before and say "I'm wearing my sweater tomorrow, make sure you wear yours" ? How lame!
 
Memorable DEGRASSI Quotes:
 
Arthur (complaing about his Dad who didn't watch SPACE CADETS with him last night):  He had a date with Carol again.
 
Yick: Again?!
 
Arthur: I wish they'd break up. They're too old to date.
 
Yick: How old is she?
 
Arthur: I dont know: Thirty-something.
- - - - -
Joey (realizing Alison likes Snake): Snaaaaake, you are so lucky! She's a babe!
 
Snake: She's alright.
 
Joey: "Alright"?! You're not still hung up on Melanie, are ya? Every time you go
         out with her it's a disaster.
 
Snake: No wonder she doesn't like me. YOU'RE not a lot of help!
 
Joey: I'm trying to help you out NOW. Look, Melanie is a BABY, Alison is a
         BABE.
- - - - -
(Yick and Arthur want Athur's Dad to take them to JOE'S JOKE EMPORIUM but he is too busy playing Grab Ass with his new girlfriend the female mail-man (mail-woman? female-man? female-woman? mail carrier?!)
 
Yick (to Arthur): Wanna go to JOE'S, Sweetie?
- - - - -
Arthur: Carol slept over last night.
 
Yick: Really?!?!
 
Arthur: I went in there to wake him up and There She Was.
 
Yick: You saw them in bed?! Were they naked?!
 
Arthur: I didn't stick around to find out!
 
* BLACK AND WHITE: White girl Michelle is walking through the hallway with black boy BLT. He is trying to ask her to the Graduation Dance when he bumps into this nameless white guy who says "Why don't you look where you're going?" to which BLT says "Why don't YOU look where YOU'RE GOING?" The guy mutters "Stupid n!gger" and walks away. BLT pounces on the guy and beats the stuffing outta him.  BLT gets in trouble but when asked about it later says that he has no regrets about knocking some of the uglyness off the guy's face. Snake asks him "Why can't you just forget about it?" and BLT replys "That's easy for YOU to say: No one's ever called you a n!gger" (Hmmmm...maybe cuz Snake is a white guy? I'm just GUESSIN' here, but I'm pretty sure that's why no one has ever called him that!)  
 
Michelle and BLT are working on a project together at Michelle's house and he asks her to go to the  Graduation Dance with him. She accepts. A few minutes later her parents come home from grocery shopping (I will point out that this guy here - the grey-haired, mustachioed fellow is the first guy to play "Michelle's Father". In later episodes he will be played by a totally different looking guy!). When her parents meet BLT her mother seems pleasant enough but her father is less than thrilled to find out that BLT is "colored". (And yes: Her dad REALLY says "colored". Not "black". Not "African American" - "Colored!" I had to look at my calender to make sure we weren't living in the 1940s!)
 
When Michelle tells Dad she's going to the dance with BLT he tells her she can't: Not because BLT is "colored", mind you. But because Michelle is "too young to date".
 
When Michelle tells BLT she can't go to the dance with him because she's too young too date he isn't buying it. He knows it's cuz he's black.
 
Michelle has a talk with her Mom and Mom gives her the old stand-by "It's not US, Honey, it's the REST OF THE WORLD that's racist" . Michelle realizes that yes, Mom and Dad are not fans of the dark skinned peoples.
 
She goes back to BLT and accepts his offer to take her to the dance, bigots be damned!
 
Speaking of bigotry: While this is all going on Spike decides she needs a little more money (I guess since Shane's stoned leap off a bridge the diaper money has totally ceased coming in) and starts looking for an after-school job. She has a job interview at the greasy spoon diner for a "busboy" position. The guy takes one look at Spike's wild, cockatiel-esque do and makes up a lame excuse why Spike can't work there.
 
On the way out Spike is upset that she is being treated unfairly because of her looks and Liz offers to throw a rock through the guy' s window. Spike tells Liz not to, saying "That's what he expects us to do".
 
Also throughout this episode: Nerdy Scooter and Nerdy Barty take tacky pictures of everyone for the yearbook.
 
LD (after Michelle tells her BLT invited her to the dance): I wouldn't mind going to
     the dance with him. Definately cute.
 
Alexa: AND he's a great dancer. That goes without saying.
 
Lucy: Excuse me?

Alexa: Well, he IS black!
- - - - -
Alexa: My parents would DIE if I went out with a black guy. They don't even like    me going with Simon.
 
LD: Why not?
 
Alexa: He's not Greek!
- - - - -
Michelle (after introducing her folks to BLT): Well, whaddaya think?
 
Mom: He seems very nice.
 
Michelle: He is SO nice.
 
Dad: You never mentioned he was colored.
 
Michelle: I didn't think it was important. ........ He asked me to the Graduation
             Dance. I said "Yes". That's okay, isn't it?
 
Dad: You should have ASKED us before accepting, Michelle.
 
Michelle: I'm soory.
 
Dad: So am I. Cuz the answer is "No".
- - - - -
Greasy Don: That's quite the hair you got, Christine. What's your mother say
                    about it?
 
Spike: Nothing.
 
Greasy Don: Yeah, I bet.
 
Spike: So.....uhh...is this job like cleaning tables and stuff?
 
Greasy Don: Hey, if I hired her I could save on scrub brushes, right? How do you
                   make it like that: Stick your finger in the light socket each morning?
 
Spike: I'm here about the job, not my hair.
 
Greasy Don (looking at watch): You're late.
 
Spike: No, I'm not. You said "4:00".
 
Greasy Don: I said "3:45". Now in my book if someone's late for a job interview
                   you don't hire 'em.
 
Spike: I KNOW you said "4:00". Please. Can't you give me a chance?

Greas DON: I alreay did. Have a nice day.
- - - - -
Michelle: Mom, is the reason I can't go with Bryant because he's black?
 
Mom: Micheeeeele, Darling, No. We don't care that he's black. Or green. Or
          purple. We believe in Equal Oppurtunity. Unfortunately, not everyone is
          LIKE us.
 
Michelle: What do you mean?

Mom: Some people have trouble with the idea of inter-racial dating. And while WE
          don't agree with them, they can be very cruel. Imagine say you and Bryant
          got married and had children. Think how hard it would be on them.
 
Michelle: It's just The Graduation Dance! We're not getting married!
 
* PA-ARTY!: Lucy has been dating Clutch but it isn't going that well cuz Clutch is a bit of a Party Boy and when he gets drunk he gets horny and grabby and acts really "stoopid".
 
Lucy is supposed to have a party while her parents are on a trip but she doesn't want to have a party where Clutch will get wasted and ruin everything. She decides to have a "secret party" with her old school DEGRASSI friends and not tell High School drunkard Clutch anything about it.
 
At first word of the party Joey, who just got a fake ID, boasts that he's going to bring beer to this thing. Everybody seems really impressed.
 
The night of the party Joey, Wheels and Snake go to THE BEER STORE to score the beer (And, yes, the place that sells beer  IS actually called THE BEER STORE. Just like when I buy paper towels I buy them at THE PAPER TOWEL STORE or when I buy tampons I buy them at THE TAMPON STORE).  Joey and Wheels dress Snake - who is a foot and a half taller than them - up in a flasher's trech coat, yellow Mickey Mouse gloves and Joey's fedora and send his fresh, freckled face into THE BEER STORE  to get a case of brewskies.
 
Snake goes in THE BEER STORE, gets proofed, acts all honored as he hands the guy the fake ID and the guy doesn't fall for it and refuses to sell Snake the beer.
 
The guys spend the next few hours outside trying to talk adults in the parking lot into buying beer for them when they see Clutch's raggedy-ass, spray-painted car pull up with Clutch and Paul in it. They ask Clutch to buy them beer and Clutch - who usually treats them like sh*t - happily agrees to.
 
Clutch goes in the store, buys a case of beer (Guess he had a better fake ID than Joey) comes back out, takes six of the beers for himself (!) and hands the remains to Joey, Snake and Wheels. When Joey whines about Clutch taking a fourth of the beer Clutch tells Joey that it's his payment for getting the beer for them. Then Snake says something along the lines of "You're not just SCREWING US  by taking that beer, you're screwing LUCY cuz it's for HER party!"  and Clutch is all "Wha? Lucy's having a party????"
 
Meanwhile we get a glimpse of Lucy's party and it's pretty lame. Melanie, who was supposed to meet Snake there, thinks she's been stood up. Caitlin, who was supposed to meet Joey there, thinks she's been stood up. Kathleen (who somehow got Melanie to get Snake to invite her), Melanie and Caitlin are all being treated like scum because they are mere eighth graders at a High School party. And everyone else is pissy cuz they are still waiting for Joey to show up with the beer.
 
On the way to Lucy's house Wheels is carrying the box of beer and complaining about how heavy it is and he decides to sit down and take a break. Joey decides he wants to have a beer NOW (which doesn't really make sense when you think about it: Joey didn't want to walk in to Lucy's party with ONLY 18 beers, but if Joey has a beer now they will be walking in with only 17. If Snake joins him in a drink they will be walking in with only 16. And if Wheels joins them they will be walking in with only 15!) Snake and Joey each have a beer (Wheels declines cuz his parents were killed by drunk drivers so he claims to hate alcohol, a phobia he gets past in the SCHOOL'S OUT movie) and a bunch of cops walk up behind them and bust them for drinking in public.
 
Back at Lucy's place the phone rings and Lucy shushes everybody and picks up the phone. It's Lucy's parents and they are calling from the airport to say their flight was cancelled and they are coming home (at least they called, right?) so Lucy starts telling everyone to clean up and some people leave without helping (that snotty Alison chick and her toady Amy, for example) but most help clean up and then they all run out. Lucy is relieved, thinking that her parents are gonna walk in to find nobody there and Lucy just having a nice, quiet evening alone. But wait: Clutch's sh*t-box pulls up in front of the house and Clutch, who apparently drank the six beers all by himself, comes staggering up Lucy's walk going "PA-ARTY!"
Lucy is DYIN'! 
 
So Lucy is trying to keep Clutch from coming in, but Clutch, thinking there's a party going on comes barrelling in, looking for the party. When he realizes theres no party he starts man-handeling Lucy and groping and slurring "How 'bout givin' me a kish?". Lucy kicks him in the nuts. Then, to the sound of Lucy's parents keys jangling at the front door, Lucy and Paul somehow maneuver Clutch out the back door and Lucy is spared humiliation and parental wrath all in the nick of time.
 
Memorable DEGRASSI Quotes:
 
Joey: Look what I got.
 
Snake: Fake I.D.?
 
Joey: Only cost me five bucks.
 
Wheels: It looks fake.
 
Joey: What?! It does not!
 
Snake: Whose "John Bertram"?
 
Joey: It's just a fake name, who cares?!
 
Snake: "21"?!
 
Joey: Yeah, so?
 
Snake: I'm soory, Joe, but no one's gonna believe you're 21. I mean, well, look at ya! You're sort of...how should I say?... "Petite".
- - - - -
Snake (going in THE BEER STORE to buy beer): What kind of beer should I get?
 
Joey: I don't know. Get ANY kind. Just get a "two four". Twenty-four of anything,
         who CARES what kind?!
- - - - -
Joey (watching Clutch take six of the beers out of the case he just bought them):
        What's going on?!
 
Clutch: It's my commission. You didn't think I was gonna do it for FREE, did ya?
 
Joey: SIX?! There's only twenty-four!
 
Clutch: Without me you guys would have zip! So why don't you boys run along
            and have a party?
 
Snake: Yeah, well, it's not only for US, you know. It's for Lucy's party.
 
Clutch: Lucy???

Snake: Yeah, she's having a party.
 
(Joey, Snake and Wheels start to walk away with rest of beer, Joey and Snake still mumbling complaints)
 
Wheels (calling back to Clutch): Thanks anyway. (Joey, Snake, and Wheels walk off. Clutch gets into car with Paul all confused)
 
Paul: What was that all about?
 
Clutch: She's having a party.
 
Paul: What are you talking about?
 
Clutch: Lucy! She said her parents were home. You wanna go?
 
Paul: I don't think we should. I mean, she wouldn't want ME to go and she didn't
        invite YOU either.
 
Clutch: Well, then, uhhhh...Let's go find our OWN action!
- - - - -
Joey (drinking a beer): This is the life! (to Wheels) Stop being such a wuss and
        have a beer!
- - - - -
Clutch (in car with Paul, drinking beer ): Can't figure Lucy out (sip) I mean, 
          sometimes I think she .....she really likes me, right? But then sometimes
          when I try to have a little fun with her she tells me to leave her alone (swig)
          I don't get her (gargles with beer). Aaah! Well, we're GOING to her party!
 
Paul: I don't think we should.
 
Clutch: Well, if you don't wanna go there's the door: You can WALK home!
 
Paul: Clutch, gimme, the keys, alright?
 
Clucth: I Can Drive, Mannnn!
- - - - -
Drunk Clutch (repeated line): PA-ARTY!
- - - - -
Clutch (sober the next day): Lucy, I'm soory. Really.
 
Lucy: Soory isn't good enough anymore.
 
* BYE-BYE JUNIOR HIGH: Joey invites girlfriend Caitlin to the Junior High Graduation Dance and she's thrilled. But wait: Joey's mom said he could only go to the dance if he "didn't get anything under a B" on his report card and Joey gets a  "C" in French so he tells Caitlin he can't make it and Caitlin explodes with rage saying something along the lines of "Damn it, Joey! Everytime I am supposed to go on a date with you I get burned! Screw you, I'm outta here!" and storms away.
 
Later on Mrs. Jeremiah, not such a tyrant after all, agrees to let Joey go to the dance.
 
B story involves Spike, who must deal with school and a baby that is always sick and constantly bawling. Ms Avery comes down to the salon to tell her that her report card wasn't very good and recommends she take correspondance courses. Spike talks about dropping out and says all her problems are because of "Emma - I wish I'd never had her!". Ms Avery says "You count your blessings, Young Lady! At least you can HAVE a baby. Not all of us are that lucky you, know!" (Wow, Ms Avery: What a revelation: You can't have babies? Are you infertile? Lesbian? Both maybe?)  By episodes end Spike has agreed to take the courses to catch up. (If this were a LIFETIME:TELEVISION FOR WOMEN movie Spike would end up giving Baby Emma to Ms Avery, solving BOTH their problems!)
 
Ding - Ding - Ding!  
Ding - Ding - Ding! 
Do you hear that noise? You WILL all throughout this episode: It's that damn faulty fire alarm! And you will also notice people hauling around containers that say "FLAMMABLE". This is all gonna make sense to you in the last two minutes of the episode. More on that later.
 
So everyone gets their marks and everyone passes (Wheels just barely scrapes by, but he plays the I'm-Just-A-Poor-Boy-Whose-Parents-Are-Dead-Dontcha-Feel-Sorry-For-Me?  card and they let him graduate) and they all go to The Big Dance. Snake goes to the dance with Melanie, Wheels goes with LD ("secret affair, huh?" says Snake), Joey goes with Caitlin, Simon goes with Alexa, BLT goes with Michelle, Arthur goes with Kathleen (!?) and Luke goes with ....SHANE..who hobbles in with a walker and a disturbed look on his face. Everybody else goes stag, I think, although you will spot a few of them dancing together (insert your own joke about everybodys Dancing Abilities here).
 
All throughout this episode Tessa and Scooter are acting very childish, running around playing tag. At the Graduation Dance they are in charge of making sure nobody spikes the punch and they get bored and start playing tag  (I hate how this scene is handled: They should have just had Tessa and Scooter slink off upstairs to try make out or something. I mean, a seventh grade boy and girl "playing tag"???) They run off upstairs and there they y smell smoke and where there's smoke there's FIRE! (Oooooh...so THAT'S why we saw them buckets of FLAMMABLE waste and heard that fire alarm go Ding - Ding - Ding in this episode: So that when the buckets of FLAMMABLE waste caused a towering inferno and the fire alarm bells went off everyone at the dance would just keep on dancing, thinking this was another "false alarm")
 
Scooter and Tessa run downstairs to tell Raditch and everyone else that there's a fire and, of course, nobody believes them. Til the place starts exploding all around them. THEN everybody hustles out of the building. Except Joey. Where's Joey? Where's JOEY? Will he make it out of there alive?
 
Seconds later Joey pops up out of nowhere and everyone sighs a big sigh of relief and watches the school burn down looking all distraught while the cheerful  DEGRASSI "Wake Up In The Morning Feeling Shy And Lonely Gee I Gotta Go To School" song plays.
 
DEGRASSI JUNIOR HIGH is history...which helps explain why all these people are in the same building together next season at DEGRASSI HIGH!
 
Bad DEGRASSI Fashion:
 
Caitlin's prom ensemble makes her look like something outta the A FLOCK OF SEAGULLS I Ran video.
 
Memorable DEGRASSI Quotes:
 
(Repeated line): Stupid little kids!
- - - - -
Joey: Mom, you were a chick once, right?
 
Mom: I suppose I was a chick once. Why?
 
Joey: It's just I like Caitlin like A LOT and I don't wanna mess things up again.
 
Mom: And?
 
Joey: Well, if you were her would you like it if I brought you flowers to the dance?
         Or would you think it was sucky?
 
Mom: No, I'd think it was VERY romantic.
 
Joey: REALLY?!
 
Mom: I think it's a lovely idea. I'm sure she'd be delighted.
 
Joey: Thanks, Mom. Uhhhh...Do you have any money I can borrow?
 
 
 
 
 
 

SUCKS TO BE KATHLEEN

DEGRASSI: It's Not Just A Show: It's An Obsession