LIVING IN THE PAST

Cult Classics

Because watching a "bad" movie can be just as enjoyable as watching a good one. Sometimes even more so.

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SLEEPAWAY CAMP's Aunt Martha and Angela are downright scary!

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DON'T BE AFRAID OF THE DARK: Couple gets sweet mansion left to them by presumed dead missing relative. You know the type: Horror Movie Delight: It's just about a castle and very cheap to run. It even comes with a built-in handyman (Uncle Charlie from MY THREE SONS)!
Now using all the "movie logic" we've obtained from watching years and years of Horror movies we, the audience, know that the place is most probably haunted. But the couple doesn't think twice about it. They move in.
The place is huge.
There's one dinky, dank, dark and dingy room that the wife is forbidden to go in. So just guess where she decides she wants to put her office?! 
The room has a boarded up fireplace that the wife finds just delightful. The handyman tells her that some things are better left alone and trys to persuade her to just leave the fireplace and the room alone but for some reason she's hellbent on making that her sitting room.
The handyman seems to know something about the strange boarded-up fireplace in the forbidden room  but he ain't talkin'! He tells the new home owners to leave things alone and if they're too stupid to listen to him, oh well, he tryed.
Sooner than later the wife comes across the little elfin monsters that live in the walls of the house. Of course, she freaks out and, of course, nobody believes her. Even when she's hosting a cocktail party and the little gremlins are grabbing her ankles under the table.
She decides to try to take their picture so she'll have proof that the little beasties exist. They don't take too kindly to that.
This movie has dated itself more into a hoot than a Horror but it's still a lot of fun.
Plus it teaches us a very valuable lesson: If anyone ever leaves you a totally fabulous mansion: BEWARE!
 
PIECES: A little boy is putting together a nudie jigsaw puzzle when his mother walks in and goes ballistic. She says "Get me a garbage bag so I can dispose of this smut!" or something like that (poorly dubbed, I might add). He comes back with an axe and hacks her to pieces.
In adulthood he continues the mayhem dismembering different women for different pieces for his "human puzzle". Unbelievable ending!
*First  complaint: All of his pieces are caucasion. Wouldn't a mixed bag of pieces have been more fun?!
*Second complaint: The hero of this movie is a shlubby not-very-attractive college student named Kendall. The man is clearly nothing to look at and yet every woman in the film is fawning over him and going "Oh,Kendall!"
 
THE PIT: Jamie isn't like the other boys. He's strange. Really, really strange. His only friends are his snakes and frogs and his evil talking teddybear(!)  His parents don't even wanna be around him so they hire a pretty young babysitter to look after him. He really takes a liking to her. You can tell cuz he starts dropping things under the dinner table so he can look up her skirt! When "like" turns to "love" he starts asking her to give him baths. It seems at the age of twelve he hasn't mastered bathing yet. Although the next morning he's totally capable of making HER breakfast!
Anyway, Jamie finds a secret  pit in the woods behind his house. In it live strange creatures. Hungry, strange creatures. And if you're not nice to Jamie it's SUPPA' TIME!
*The pit itself is at least six feet wide and because of this the sight of people being duped into "accidentally falling" into the pit is hilarious. You would have to be beyond blind to fall into this huge cavern.
*The monsters, which Jamie calls Tra-la-logs, are very cheaply made. Therefore, they are not truly scary. They look like you rolled a ten year old kid up in an old piece of carpet. (I know because I've done it. Rolled a ten year old kid up in an old piece of carpet. Try it. It's fun!)
* The ending is a good one. Even if you somehow guess how this thing will end you're still a little jarred when it does finally happen.
 
SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT: Another one to file under "so-bad-it's-good guilty pleasure". Bad acting, bad editing, unneccesary nudity: It's all here! And they have the audacity  to make Santa Claus the bad guy!! (Alright, it's more like Santa Clone) Young boy goes to nursing home on Christmas Eve to visit Grandpa, who is the best part of the movie. Grandpa can't speak, move or even blink when Mom and Dad are in the room but when they step out of the room: LOOK OUT! He grabs ya' by the arm and tells ya' about the Evils of Christmas!
 Driving home the family gets car-jacked, robbed, raped, what-have-you by  a guy in a Santa suit. (See that? Grandpa wasn't nuts...just clairvoyent!)
The little boy and his baby brother escape the wrath and somehow end up in a no-nonsense orphanage run by heavy nuns who beat you with a belt if you're naughty. 
Somewhere down the line the boy grows up to be a hunky goody-two-shoes who drinks milk and works in a toy store. At the toy store Christmas party some dope asks him to dress up like The Claus and he snaps! Goes on a Ho-Ho-Holy Killing Spree!
This movie heralds Three Great Scenes of Infamy:
1. Grandpa's Psychic Premonition Of Doom
2. Linnea Quigley's topless girl - deer head  scene 
3. The very last minute of the movie. Don't wanna' ruin it for you so I'll stop myself here.
 
RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD: "Braaaaains! Braaaaaaaaaains!"
This movie is supposedly based on "true facts". If you believe that, my friend, I have a nice bridge in Brooklyn that I'd like to sell you. 
These guys working in a morgue release a gas that resurrects the dead. In a nearby cemetery a bunch of punk ne'er-do-well's are partying hearty. (See it comin'?) 
There are a lot of movies of this ilk, but this one is a classic in it's own right.
 *MORE REASONS TO LOVE: Linnea Quigley Again! Does she know how to steal a movie or what?! 
* A rockin' soundtrack. "DO YA' WANNA PARTY? IT'S PARTY TIME!"
 
CHEERLEADER CAMP: Gimme a K! Gimme an I! Gimme an L! Gimme an L!
It's a cheesy T&A romp with a past-his-prime Leif Garrett  thrown in as "A little somethin' for the ladies". Oh please!  But there's no denying it'll hold your interest. There are enough suspects to keep you guessing whodunnit, including the main charactor of the movie, who is one of those girls who has those only-seem-to-be-in-movies Premonition Dreams.
* The main cheerleader here is '80s bimbo delight Betsy Russell who is best known for riding a horse topless in PRIVATE SCHOOL. Surprisingly, she keeps her clothes on in this flick.
* One of the cheerleader rivals is played by Terri Weigel who later went on to "act" in porn movies. Not so surprisingly, she takes her clothes off in this flick. You will barely recognize her pre-surgery breasts!
* The squad's break dancing alligator mascot is played by Lucinda Dickey who was once a SOLID GOLD dancer and a break-dancing waitress in the movies BREAKIN' and BREAKIN' 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO. 
* There is a rumor that somewhere in the world there is a movie called CHEERLEADER CAMP 2 starring none other than Uma Thurman!
So far no one has been able to prove this rumor true.
 
PEP SQUAD (aka I'M WATCHING YOU 2: PROM NIGHT) : This movie looks a lot like what SCREAM would have looked like if John Waters had directed it. 
As if high school wasn't already awful enough the students in this particular Kansas school are getting shot, maimed, run over and all sorts of harassed.
The new girl Beth makes friends with a couple named Julie and Scott convinced they're the sanest of a crazy crowd.
One day the principal calls Beth into his office. He gets fresh, she hits him over the head with a trophy and now he's  unconscious. Beth, Julie and Scott smuggle him out to a farmhouse in the middle of nowhere where they hold him captive. They fight over whether they should kill him or not. To make matters worse one of their fellow students has been spying on them and knows about what they are doing. Her demand is that they rig the Prom Queen election so that she wins. But this is no easy task because Prom Queen is a title every girl in the school would kill for. Literally.
 There is a bad-a** trouble-maker girl named Cherry who also wants the Prom Queen crown so they hire her to put a hit on the girl who is trying to blackmail them.
Because the school is chock-full of crazies there is a large string of events that lead to not-quite-accidents and murders.
Funny black comedy.
 
KISS MEETS THE PHANTOM: A freaky mad scientist type working in an underground lair at Magic Mountain Amusement Park is zapping up hoodlum teenagers and making them into his zombie slaves. Who can stop him? The rock band KISS, of course! It's a little-known fact that they have magic medallions that give them super human strength. Cheesy Kung Fu fighting enues. Great music...and I don't just mean the KISS concert segments; During fight scenes they play '70s Blaxpoitation Supa-fly music!
It's all good fun. Except for the tacked-on ending. Anyone care to explain?
 
BAD BOYS: Sean Penn in an all boy detention center. He has troubles with the bad boys on the inside. He has troubles with the bad boys on the outside. His girlfriend, Ally Sheedy, gets roughed up and raped by the bad boys on the outside. He must avenge her honor!
He makes friends with one guy in the facility: A guy who would be a total nerd if not for his MacGyver-like ability to make a bomb out of just about anything. 
There's fights, abuse and rape aplenty! And ya' really gotta love that Bag O' Soda Cans!
 
BORN INNOCENT: The femme version of BAD BOYS.
Linda Blair,The High Priestess Of Good Time Trashy Movies, plays Chris, a juvenile delinquent runaway who is put in an all girl detention center. "Well, it's better than prison" you say? Not by much! Soon enough fights, abuse and, yes, even rape rear their ugly heads!
A '70s made-for-TV classic. Classic, I says!
* There is an infamous shower scene in BORN INNOCENT where a bunch of tough girls hold Chris down in the shower and rape her with a plunger handle. This scene was a real shocker, especially when you consider this was a TV movie. After a copy-cat incident at an all girl school the scene was cut from TV showings of the movie. The scene is now restored on dvd.
 
DAWN: PORTRAIT OF A TEENAGE RUNAWAY: This one has Eve Plumb trying her darndest to shake that squeaky-clean Jan Brady image! She's a young girl who runs away from home to get away from a drinking, overbearing, controlling mother.
Unable to find legitimate work she ends up a Hollywood Boulevard prostitute!
Her pimp bears an uncanny resemblance to David Soul, Shaun Cassidy sings the treacly theme song and the whole thing just pretty much has to be seen to be believed.
True Trash Art.
 *Followed by an inferior sequel: ALEXANDER:THE OTHER SIDE OF DAWN in which Dawn marries a boy whore.
 
OVER THE EDGE: Matt Dillon (Row!) and a bunch of no good teenagers stirring up trouble in the Good Old '70s.
They start out smoking The Devil's Weed and end up full-scale rioting. Yee-haw!
 
THE RIVER'S EDGE: This really shouldn't be listed under Cult Classics as it is a very good movie. But I can't call it a Comedy and I can't call it a Horror movie so where else to put it?
 I also notice that THE RIVER'S EDGE is the kid brother of OVER THE EDGE  in that it borrows and borrows and borrows some more. Don't believe me? Watch 'em back-to-back. Call it the Metalheads Rebel Double Feature.
THE RIVER'S EDGE is about Keanu Reeves (Row!) and a bunch of no good teenagers stirring up trouble in the Good Old '80s. They're grungy metalheads who smoke, drink and shtoop away their meaningless existence. Then one day Jon gets bored and kills his girlfriend. Everybody's pretty much too drunk or stoned to care.
*Some similarities between OVER THE EDGE and THE RIVER'S EDGE:
*Hot Male Lead:OVER THE EDGE has Matt Dillon (Row!)  THE RIVER'S EDGE has Keanu Reeves (Row again!)
* Bored teens run amuck. Chaos ensues.
* Sleeping bag sex.
 
 FOXES: Jodie Foster! Scott Baio! Cherie Currie, lead singer of THE RUNAWAYS! They are all here in this '70s classic about four teenage girls who smoke, drink and shtoop away their wasted youths.
They party hearty up until the very end where it turns into a Don't Do This Cautionary Tale. If I learned only one thing from watching this movie it is this: Don't ever get in a car with strangers! Especially if they are a swinging '70s couple!
 Relive the heyday of the '70s when the Big Night Out was an ANGEL concert! (Don't remember ANGEL? They were the flip side of KISS. Still don't remember ANGEL? They wore all white. Still don't remember ANGEL? Oh well, I tryed.)
One Gripe: As much as I enjoy seeing Scott Baio tip his hat in these things, they have him doing Jackie Chan-type stunts on a skateboard in this movie. It's a little hard to swallow. I mean, he out-races cars on that thing. Come on!
 
STUDENT BODIES: "HORSE-HEAD BOOKENDS!!!!"
 Long before SCARY MOVIE there was STUDENT BODIES, an '80s satire of Horror movies.
It takes place at a high school (Big surprise) where anyone who has sex dies (Another big surprise) by the hands of a mystery galloshed killer.
The one die-hard virgin in the school has to figure out who in the messed up collage of charactors is the murderer.
NOTE: Theres a real Rags to Riches here with the lead charactor. She goes from being someone you wouldn't look twice at to being dy-no-mite just by dressing up like Sandy from GREASE.
 
SWITCHBLADE SISTERS: '70s gem about female street gang The Dagger Debs.
Plenty of action and trashy fun to go around. Also features one of those all girl detention centers (Doncha' just love those?) as well as Ma, the big old dyke warden (I have seen enough Women In Prison movies to know there usually is at least one big old dyke warden!) 
Also features a show-down at the local Roller Disco. Gotta' love any movie that has the Great American '70s Pastime Roller Disco in it!
Cheesy and Sleazy aplenty. ***** 5 Stars!
 
SLEEPAWAY CAMP: An absolute howl about strange quiet girl Angela and her misadventures at a camp where people are mysteriously being offed. So-bad-it's-good.  It's all here: Bad writing, bad acting, strange death methods, perverts and pedophiles and a humdinger shocker ending that has to be seen to be believed! 
If you've never seen this movie: Go! Go now! Run, don't walk, to the video store!
Cheesy and Sleazy aplenty ***** Five Stars
*Followed by a not bad sequel SLEEPAWAY CAMP 2: HAPPY CAMPERS which features the "I Am A Happy Camper Song "as well as The Sh*t Sisters, who enjoy drinking, smoking and fornicating ( Well,duh! Who doesn't?)
* There's also a below average SLEEPAWAY CAMP 3: TEENAGE WASTELAND.
* There was also a SLEEPAWAY CAMP 4 project that got scrapped. As of this writing there is another SLEEPAWAY CAMP 4 project in the works.
* SLEEPAWAY CAMP movies sort of set the bench mark for odd and disgusting death methods. In one film a guy taking a dump gets his come-uppance when a bee hive is dropped into the stall with him. In another a girl is dunked head-first into an outhouse toilet full of leeches. (See? And you wondered where FEAR FACTOR got their ideas from!)
 
MOMMIE DEAREST: Faye Dunaway doesn't just chew scenery: She swallows it whole in this over-the-top performance as over-the-top Mama Gone Mad Joan Crawford.
This Cult Classic is based on a best selling book written by Crawford's adopted daughter Christina "Tina" Crawford.
It seems that there were one or two things that Joan Crawford was anal retentive about: A clean floor, no wire hangers, strapping her son down to his bed and, last but not least, beatin' the bejesus out of Christina.
When I first saw this I was totally blown away. She just stops being Faye Dunaway and truly morphs into Joan Crawford. (I've always thought Faye had a tendency to overact. In MOMMIE DEAREST she puts the craft to good use!)
This movie has so many fabulous lines that I can't possibly quote them all so I'll just list a few favorites:
* "I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at the dirt."
* " Dont f*ck with me, Fellas! This ain't my first time at the rodeo!" 
*  "TINA!!! BRING ME THE AXE!!!"
The "Tina, Bring me the axe" line is probably the finest line of literature to ever hit page. To this day when I have had a bad day and can not take anymore I find myself standing in the kitchen bellowing "TINA! BRING ME THE AXE!"  which is crazy, especially when you consider nobody named Tina lives here!
 
SATAN'S CHEERLEADERS: This one was made with a budget of about twelve dollars and fifty two cents. The twelve dollars went to getting Yvonne DeCarlo (Lilly Munster) to agree to be in it.
A troop of sexy young teenage cheerleaders make fun of the pervy janitor who is always gawking at them. Little do they know he's a Satan worshiper. He vows to get even with them . And how does he do that? He puts an evil curse on their clothes. THEIR CLOTHES!
They go on a little field trip and their truck breaks down in a small rube town. A small rube town run by Satanists!
Not as creepy or cool as it sounds. Really, really cheesy and low rent, but that's what makes it so goofy and fun. This is the kind of movie where they show close-ups of barking dogs and shaking statues to show you something creepy is afoot. The height of scaryness is when you realize that the nice elderly couple helping them out has a little pentagram hidden behind a curtain that they pray to!
As corny as it sounds, but highly recommended if you need a few cheap laughs.
 
AMERICAN GOTHIC: Yvonne DeCarlo again! A  bunch of teens plan a getaway for their friend, a girl who just had a nervous breakdown. They end up on a deserted little island and are soon helped by a Ma and Pa type. Not having seen SATAN'S CHEERLEADERS, they don't know that those Ma and Pa folk usually spell trouble. So they agree to stay with them.
Sooner than later they meet Ma and Pa's inbred hairlip kids who are about fifty years old a piece and are running around like two Dennis The Menaces and one Shirley Temple. Even though they are over-the-hill grown ups they have the mentality of little kids. Ma and Pa made them that way. For their own good, mind you.
Because they are either very polite or very stupid the teen vacationers decide to play games with the demented offspring. Do I even have to tell you most of the "games" result in somebody getting iced?
 
DELIVERANCE: How can we mention backwood hairlip in-breds without mentioning the hillbilly classic DELIVERANCE?
DELIVERANCE is a legitimate good movie but, not knowing where else to file it, I'm putting it under Cult Classics.
Four best friends go rafting in the deep South. At first they're amused by the primitive ways of the smalltown folk (Me? I would have been out of  there like a bat out of Hell at the first glimpse of The Banjo Kid: "De ne neeny neeny neeny nee")
The next thing you know they're being raped ("Squeal like a pig!" ) and hunted by the local Mountain Men.
This movie was almost too much for my sister to take. She considers it a Horror movie and will probably never sit through it again.
It does sort of stay with you in a way that I will never go rafting, go hunting, go camping or go anywhere near the South!
 
CRUSING: WARNING: Those of you easily offended by rude, crewd, lewd and in-the-nude homosexuality: DO NOT WATCH THIS MOVIE! The rest of you are welcome to wallow in the low point of Al Pacino's career. Ten bucks says he doesn't put this on his resume anymore.
Al Pacino is a cop who goes undercover as a rampant homosexual leather-boy (Yes, I said Al THE GODFATHER Pacino!) to find out who is murdering the neighborhood gays.
He starts hanging out in gay bars in New York City. Now, I live in New York and I have never in my wildest seen anything like the gay bars he goes to. People are doing evil whack sh*t there! It's like OZ on Extacy! ( Who am I kidding? The guys from OZ would run screaming from these bars!) 
One of the more amusing bits in this flick is Al learning that, just like Gang Colors, homosexuals use colored bandanas to show what they're into. A certain color means you like it rough. A certain color (Yellow!) means you like to be whizzed on and so it goes. (Damn, do I wish I could remember what all the colors stood for. Might have to rent it again to find out!)
As funny and wild as this all may sound, it is a truly terrible movie. The writing and acting is awful. From the very first five minutes of the film you just know that the script is so below par. But  you just have to watch it (Like a car crash!) because you are so mesmerized by why Pacino took the project at all!
* I have a little joke with my friends that if I ever meet Al Pacino instead of saying "I loved you in SCARFACE" or "I loved you in SCENT OF A WOMAN" I'm going to say "I loved you in CRUSING"  Would he be pissed or what?!
 
FLASH GORDON: This is a Cult Classic Supreme because it's not just bad, it's so-bad-it's-good! To the extent that when you find out it's going to be on TV you get EXCITED!
It stars Sam J Jones and Melody Anderson doing the worst acting of their ...ummmm...careers. But, in all fairness, what choice do they really have with a script and production values like these?
Flash and Dale are such a dull couple you will find yourself routing for Ming The Merciless and wondering why Flash isn't begging to bone Princess Aura.
What would over-the-top be without a completely serious score by QUEEN. Yes, QUEEN: "FLASH! AH-AHHHHHHHHH! HE'LL SAVE EVERY ONE OF US!"
* I have the QUEEN: GREATEST HITS I & II set and that song is on there. Man, if ever there was a song to dance in front of a mirror in your underwear and lip sync to, it's that!
* FLASH GORDON is one of those rare movies that has all the ingredients of a flop but somehow the formula works, gels right and leaves you with a very satisfying, dopey popcorn movie!
 
MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATRE 3000 PRESENTS MANOS:HANDS OF FATE: On it's own MANOS: HANDS OF FATE is one of the worst movies ever made. But the MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATRE 3000  version is an absolute laugh riot. It's a bad movie egged on by zingers with sketches thrown in.
MANOS: HANDS OF FATE was a movie made by a dirt farmer who wanted to prove to his friends that he could make a movie. Like Ed Wood, he wanted to make a movie very badly and suceeded: He made a movie very badly.
This movie stars the director as a man who is on a road trip with his wife,child and dog. They experience car trouble and end up at a strange house. But not a nice Horror Movie Delight strange house. This place is a real dump. They are greeted by Torgo, the big-kneed man-servant. (Yes, you read that right: He has HUGE knees and because of this he walks funny. For reasons unexplained he talks and gawks funny too) Anyway, Torgo stumbles out (To his own theme music!) and sputters that he watches the place while The Master is away and that they can stay there. Being stupid fools they don't take Torgo referring to this guy as "The Master" as a sign that something strange is afoot. (Even if Torgo and The Master were just lovers it's not something you would want to bare witness to, believe me).
When the wife pieces together that The Master might indeed be dead Torgo stutters "Not dead like you know it. The Master is with us always."...TWICE! ... And STILL they decide to stay!
 Within moments the dog has run away and been killed. Now they are starting to piece together that this place might be evil or, at the very least, pretty strange (Ya think?!)
Later we find out that The Master has a bevy of narcoleptic wives who wrestle in sheets and their underwear whenever the urge for a good catfight hits. And it hits quite often.
Aside from looking a lot like FRANK ZAPPA in a red and black cloak it looks like his mommy made him for Halloween, The Master also has a demon hound and a large hand-shaped stick he waves at you when he's displeased.
There's also thick black smoke and HUGE moths that fly in and out of scenes involving fire (Really: These things should be off fighting GODZILLA somewhere).
And the soundtrack is a real mind-bender too. It includes the haunting "Torgo's Theme" which will get stuck in your head and have to be exorcised out.
There are also totally-unrelated-to-the-story charactors such as a couple drinking hooch and making out in a car and two cops driving around randomly. One can only guess that when the director made this film he promised all his friends a part and had to make up roles to squeeze 'em in. Anyway, the real fun starts when Torgo decides that The Master already has too many wives so Torgo's going to keep this latest wife for himself! Torgo's need love too! The Seduction Scene between the wife and Torgo must be seen to be believed. (You'll never let anyone near your hair again!)
Incidentally, Torgo,the wife and girl-in-car committed suicide after making this flick, the guy who played The Master "disappeared" never to be seen again and there's even a myth that watching MANOS: HANDS OF FATE will cause the viewer bad luck! 
MANOS: It's a hoot!
 
KILLER KLOWNS FROM OUTER SPACE: With a title like that you should know what to expect and what not to expect. If you're looking for a legitimate Horror movie look elsewhere. This is a Cult Classic through and through.
The teens making out at Lover's Lane "The Top Of The World" see something that looks like a shooting star. Of course, it's really a crashed spaceship that sets up to look like a giant circus tent. Inside are The Killer Klowns.
Now I will give them Heap Big Credit here: The Klowns are creepy looking. Not cheesy looking. They are freaky. So if the methods of torture they use are a little on the silly side (Lethal popcorn, cotton candy cocoons they wrap their victims in, exploding pie grenades) the way they look and evily giggle more than makes up for it.
The heros of the film are a teen guy and girl on a date, a young officer of the law who is the girl's x-boyfriend and two dorky guys who drive an ice-cream truck to attract large ladies. There's also a crotchety old cop who is a riot. He hates teenagers and so when they start calling the precinct to tell him of the Circus Of Slaughter he doesn't believe any of them. ("Killer Klowns. Holy sh*t!" )
*This film also boasts a great titular theme song from THE DICKIES
 
SUMMER OF FEAR aka STRANGER IN OUR HOUSE: This '70s TV movie (Directed by none other than Wes Craven!) just barely makes it onto this list because even though it's a '70s TV movie, even though it stars Linda Blair and even though it has both the themes of Teenage Black Magic Woman and Teenage Usurper thrown in it could have been a lot cooler.
The Big Surprise here is it's a Teenage Witch movie starring Linda Blair and yet Linda does not play the witch!
She plays Rachel, a nice, normal,  fresh-faced, bad-permed country girl who loves her family and her horse.
Her life is disrupted when her aunt, uncle and their cleaning lady (!) all die in a mysterious fiery car crash.
Her long-lost cousin Julia shows up to move in with them and she's a shy, dowdy, soft-spoken type. Then she hits the mall with Rachel and Fran Drescher (!) and ends up getting a makeover that includes
*  a perm identical to Rachel's
*  an outfit identical to Rachel's
*  a purse identical  to Rachel's
Well, you get the idea.
Anyone who has seen SINGLE WHITE FEMALE knows that cousin Julia is planning to take over the role in Rachel's life formerly played by Rachel. With promptness, Julia charms and enchants  the family, flirts with the creepy uncle, buddys up with the best friend and steals Rachel's boyfriend. Rachel takes all this abuse but the final straw comes when the horse Rachel owns that Julia doesn't like mysteriously dies. Soon after that incident Rachel starts noticing strange clues around the room she shares with Julia that Julia might be dabbling in the Black Arts. (The first thing she finds looks strangely similar to a dildo. What? I'm not kidding!)
Of course, nobody will believe Rachel so she must whine, scream and pout until she can somehow prove that Julia is evil.
This movie ends with a decent good vs. evil showdown / catfight between good girl Rachel and wild-eyed devil woman Julia. Look out!
*Question for anyone who has seen this movie: Do we really believe that the father "can't remember anything that's happened these last few weeks" or is he just saying that to cover his a**?
 
PRIVATE PARTS: Not The PRVATE PARTS that Howard Stern did.
This is a '70s movie about a teenage girl who is a little on the kinky side. She's staying with a female roommate who she likes to peep having sex with guys. One day the roommate decides that enough is enough and throws her out. She steals the money from her friend's purse and goes to find her Aunt Martha who she's never met. Aunt Martha runs a hotel and she figures she can live there.
Well, do I even have to tell you the hotel is a Freak Palace? It has a gay preist (I guess in the '70s the thought of a gay priest was shocking) a crazy old woman who screams for "Alice!" ("Alice doesn't live here anymore!" is someone's retort ),a drunk and a Peeping Tom photographer who likes to follow young lovers around so he can take pictures of them going at it. Our heroine takes a shine to him. Especially when she finds out he's watching her through peepholes and leaving her presents like dirty books and trashy lingerie.
To tell you any more would ruin the strangeness and the twists so I'll just stop myself now.
* Someone from MY THREE SONS and someone from BOSOM BUDDIES starred in this movie. ( Both sighted by my friend Karl who says this only goes to show he watches "waaaay to much TV".)
 
PIN: PIN is a hard movie to place. Is it "bad" or is it "so-bad- it's-good"?  Based on the fact that this movie is so damn unforgettable I'm going to put it on the Cult Classics list because I think everyone should see it at least once.
There's a little boy and a little girl, Leon and Ursula, and their parents catch them with a dirty magazine. Their father is a doctor and he has a big human-size see-through plastic replica of a human body that he keeps in his office and calls Pin (Short for PINOCCHIO). He decides the best way to teach the kids about the birds and the bees is to bring them to the office and let Pin tell them. Dad throws his voice to make Pin "talk" which is either funny or creepy: I can't decide.
Well anyway, the little boy decides Pin is a really cool confidante and whenever he has a problem he sneaks into Dad's office and tells his troubles to Pin. This is cute when he's a kid. Not so cute when he's seventeen and doing it.
For instance, as the kids get older the sister turns into a bit of a Town Tramp ("Wanna screw? Ursula will do" is scrawled on a locker at school) and when she gets pregnant and doesn't know how to tell the folks her brother takes her to seek guidance from Pin.
They walk into the office and Pin begins to "speak". It is really the brother throwing his voice. The sister asks the brother how he learned to "do that" and he replies "Do what?"  See? He thinks Pin is really talking!
As time goes by Pin becomes Leon's alter-ego and when Dad one day walks in on them having a heart-to-heart he decides that it's time to throw the mannequin away.The boy freaks and decides ain't nothin' gonna' come between him and his Pin!
This movie has a hysterical scene where the mother and father are driving in a car with Pin in the backseat and the mother starts screaming and just about fainting because Pin moves (Did he move because they hit a bump that made him move or did he really move because...well, he's no doubt evil and quite possibly alive?)
Another amusing bit has Leon going on a date with a trampy teen temptress and then bringing her back to his home where she comes face-to-face with Pin.I won't tell you how they did it, but there is a chase scene.
There's also a truly disturbing sex scene between Pin and the hospital's head nurse! (You've been warned!)
There's plenty more I could say but your best bet is to go rent PIN yourself then email me and tell me what you thought.
 
EATING RAOUL: Nice, normal married couple The Blands have dreams of opening a nice Bed & Breakfast and leaving behind their crappy jobs and their apartment complex that is getting over-run with swingers and other sexual deviants.
Disgusted with the pervs roaming the hallways they get new locks and alarms put in by thief-in-diguise Raoul.
One day they accidentally murder a swinger who staggers into their apartment. They empty his wallet and realize that if they can lure the pervs in with an ad in a VILLAGE VOICE-type paper they can use the money in the wallets towards their dream restaurant. But what to do with the bodies?
When they catch Raoul breaking in he discovers the bodies he has the perfect solution: He will sell the parts to a dog food manufacturer and then, unbeknownst to them, sell the pervs' cars for big money. 
It seems like the perfect plan until Raoul decides he wants to make Mrs Bland his  "Chicquita" and starts trying to kill Mr. Bland.
 Dark comedy.....but pretty funny...especially the sex shop scene and the hot tub orgy scene. I say if you can find a movie with a funny hot tub orgy scene you should just go for it.
 
FOXY BROWN: Tough soul sister Pam Grier stars as Foxy Brown who is out for vengence when her squealer boyfriend gets offed.
Her brother is a ne'er-do-well played by none other than Huggy Bear himself, Anthony Vargas. When Huggy Bear...I mean, Link tells her that the power in town belongs to a Madame who runs a call girl ring Foxy goes undercover as a prostitute and quickly makes friends with Juanita CAGED HEAT Brown, a lost soul who wants to get out of the ho biz to be with her young son.
This movie has it all: Supa-fly music, kick- a** action sequences and plenty of fighting. Foxy has a MacGyver-like ability to turn just about anything into a weapon. She claws a man's eye out with a make-shift coat hanger hook! She beats a fierce lesbian off with a barstool! And just wait 'til you see what she does with a pickle jar!
*If you like Cult Classics pretty much anything starring Pam Grier is a safe bet.
 
UNHINGED: UNHINGED is a Horror movie from the early '80s that was banned by the English Parliament in their "Video Nasties" campaign where they removed all the Horror movies they found too gruesome or offensive from video stores. When UNHINGED came out on DVD about twenty years later the cover art made a big stink about letting you know that this movie was banned just so poor chumps like me would pick it up just to find out WHY it was banned! A few reasons:
*  The girls smoke pot
*  The girls show full frontal nudity
* "Twist"  ending that I will not give away here
The story line is three girls are driving to a far-off concert. They smoke pot and tell dirty jokes on the car ride. There's an announcement on the radio about how young girls in the area are inexplicably disappearing and yet the girls don't turn the car around and go home(!)
They end up in a car accident near a big, old, secluded house: Horror Movie Delight: The house is a gorgeous, huge mansion. In the house live a strange old lady in a wheelchair and her homely spinster daughter. One look at these people and the average person would have run screaming. But here's the hook: One of the girls was hurt in the accident and they can't leave until she recovers.
Of course, there's no phone in the house so they just have to stay there and trust that nothing too horrible is gonna happen to them.
For some reason the two girls who weren't hurt in the accident share a room and do everything together, including sleeping together and using the bathroom together. The hurt girl is off in a room somewhere "recovering" and we don't see much of her during the movie. You'd think her two friends would demand to see her.They don't.
Anyway, this is one of those big old Horror movie houses with no phone, TV or radio so for entertainment the girls have to listen to Marion, the ugly daughter, play the piano, sit around the huge dinner table listening to the old lady tell "Why I Hate Men" stories in between mild hallucinations and sometimes they sit on the floor doing a puzzle or lie on the couch reading a book (Padding).
One thing I wanna' point out is that absolutley nobody in this thing can act. The old lady in particular is terrible. She's a graduate from the William Shatner School of Dramatic Pausing: "My.....daughter....Marion....is...always...getting.....into...trouble."
This movie might be a good time waster for you, just don't believe the hype and don't go in expecting too much. What was shocking twenty years ago I think we're pretty much desensitized to today.
 
BAD RONALD: This was a very good '70s TV movie.
Ronald isn't really a Bad Ronald. He's more of a Very Misunderstood Ronald. He lives with his doting, smothering mother who has high hopes of Ronald someday becoming a doctor. She's sick and wants him to come up with a cure for whatever it is she has. Ronald wants to be a writer. He writes storys about a fantasy land he imagines in his head called Atranta.
 One day Ronald trys to crash a popular girl's party and the popular kids laugh him right outta there. The little sister of the popular girl follows him down the road making fun of him and Ronald gets pissed and pushes her. The little girl falls and hits her head on a cinderblock. Dead. Ronald panics and drags the kid away and buries her in a shallow grave. When he comes home covered in mud his mother asks him what happened and Ronald tells her everything. Mom panics and says "If the cops find out they'll put you away and you'll never become a doctor. We have to hide you until this thing blows over."
Within minutes Mom has decided that they're  gonna make the downstairs bathroom a secret room and hide Ronald in there...at least until the police investigation is over and the air clears. So they quick-like make him a room. There's a little trap door in a kitchen closet that Mom puts food and supplies through that is just big enough for Ronald to sneak out of if he has to.
Well, whatever sickness Mom has takes a turn for the worse and she dies. Very quickly the house is sold to new owners. So these new people move in with their gaggle of attractive daughters unaware that Ronald is boarded up in the walls of the house and watching them through peepholes he's made. Brrrr!
While in the room Ronald becomes more and more delusional and the secret world in his head becomes real to him. He see's the room he's stuck in as his Atranta. Soon he develops a crush on the youngest daughter and decides he wants to make her his Queen!
 I could keep going but I dont wanna spoil it for you. This movie has some real pop-outta-your-chair moments and the whole theme of having someone living in your walls watching you will really make your skin crawl. I had nightmares the night I watched this: Ronald was living in my walls watching me!
 
YOU'LL LIKE MY MOTHER: Would you believe John Boy Walton as a sadistic rapist and murderer?
Patty Duke plays a pregnant young wife whose husband died while serving in the Army. She has no family of her own so she goes in search of his family home so she can meet the mother that he used to rave about (Hence the title of the movie). After a few bus rides in a bad snow storm she gets to the family estate: Horror Movie Delight: A knock-out mansion.
The woman who answers the door is a nasty b*tch- on-wheels who wants nothing to do with this white trash that:
* Met and married her son in less than a month
* Spent Sonny's last Army leave with him before he died thus stealing away time Mama could have spent with him
* Is probably there looking for money and
* "How do we know that's his baby anyway? All we have is your word!" OUCH!
 As if this wasn't bad enough there's a mentally-challenged girl living in the house that they say  is the husband's sister. Only he never mentioned having a sister.
For whatever reason Patty Duke's charactor  doesn't high-tail it outta there. She sticks around for dinner. But by the time dinner's over and she's been dissed by Evil Old B*tch a couple more times they are completely snowed in so she has to spend the night. Think that's bad? Because of the snow she has to stay there a couple of more nights! 
Did you ever notice that in Horror movies when someone in the family has done a horrible misdeed they always seem to keep the newspaper clippings of it? (Think MISERY and SINGLE WHITE FEMALE) Well, Patty Duke comes across a newspaper clipping that tells her of Cousin Kenny, the family's fun loving rapist murderer who is missing in action and closer than we think.
Now she knows she's gotta get outta'there but the old woman is slipping her drugs, disconnecting phones, locking her in the room, you name it: Anything to keep her in the house. Is it really because they don't want her going out and getting hurt in the snow or is it because they don't want her and her baby somehow living to get a piece of the family inheritance?
This movie may not be a blood-soaked body count Horror flick but it is a pretty good creepy tiptoe-around-the-house-fulla-crazies (While inconveniently pregnant) flick. .
 
CLASS OF 1984: The new teacher in the High School From Hell wonders why the students have to go through metal detectors. He finds out soon enough: Because they're a bunch of ne'er-do-well punks, Teacher-Teacher!
This movie is rumored to be based on true events which I always found sort of hard to swallow. Then again, I had a teacher who snapped once so maybe it's possible.
The gist of it is the punk students make the new teacher's life a living Hell even going so far as raping his pregnant wife and giving him the polaroids of it the day of the big band club recital. He freaks out and goes vigilante mulling down punk a**!
 
SAVAGE STREETS: Sort of like CLASS OF 1984.
Linda Blair is Brenda, an '80s punker chick who hangs out with a gang of bad girls drinking cheap hooch and picking fights. Her Achille's Heel is her deaf mute baby sister played, believe it or not, by Scream Queen Linnea Quigley.
When a gang of male toughs gets pissed at Brenda for trashing their car during a joyride they take out their revenge by raping and beating her prim and virginal saucer-eyed sister. Bad move! Cuz now Brenda's pissssssed!
To make matters worse, they also somehow manage to toss her pregnant bride-to-be best friend off a bridge for laughs.
Now Brenda takes a long hot bath and plans her revenge. She puts on a skin-tight black catsuit, gets her weapon of choice: A cross-bow(!) and goes looking for '80s Tramp Justice!
This movie has some howlingly bad dialogue so you might wanna have a beer or ten while watching it.
Also keep in mind it's very heavily '80s dated: Everyone dresses like either PAT BENATAR, Jennifer FLASHDANCE Beals or BILLY IDOL. (My favorite was the huge friggin' razor blade hanging outta' the one hoodlum's ear!)
I think you all know my thoughts on the subject: If a movie has Linda Blair as a bad girl, a vigilante or both I am so there!
 
HE KNOW'S YOU'RE ALONE: Ever wonder why we love watching Horror movies? Well, good news: In this flick Tom Hanks is a psychology major and he's going to explain it to us.
He says people like to watch Horror movies, go on rollercoasters and visit haunted house rides because we're afraid of death, but by doing these things we get a little taste of death and then casually walk away safe.
Thanks for clearing that up for us,Tom!
The movie starts with two girls watching a slasher flick in a movie theatre. One of them is really getting into it but the other one is a grossed-out nervous type and she decides she can''t take any more. She decides to go "kill time" in the Ladies Room.
She brushes her hair, smiles admiringly at her engagement ring and then goes to take a leak (Or a #2. I'm not sure). She hears strange noises and footsteps and she quick-like pulls up her pants (No wiping) and high-tails it back to her friend.
She tells her friend she's being followed. The friend shushes her.
Next thing you know she's getting stabbed right through her seat cushion. (Aiyeee! I hate dark movie thatres because of this!) 
The police investigation lets us know that this guy has killed before: He was a jilted groom who killed his x-girlfriend the day she was supposed to marry another guy. Nowadays he kills brides-to-be for kicks. Coincidence: He even killed the bride-to-be of the cop investigating this case!
We meet main charactor Amy who is set to marry Phil in two weeks. She's having doubts...and she should...cuz we the audience know that Phil is heading out on a bachelor's weekend with his friends, beer, porn and loose women! 
The consensus seems to be that Amy really should be marrying her x-boyfriend Marvin, an annoying funny guy. (You know the type: He's always "on" and thinks rubber chickens are funny. You know the type, Ladies: The kind of guy your friends say you should date but THEY never do.)
Marvin is still in love with Amy which comes in handy when Amy starts to get stalked nobody believes her. Marvin pretends to believe her just so he can hang around her. 
Soon the killer, who doesn't seem to be having much luck at killing Amy, starts knocking off a few of her friends and acquaintances.
Examples:
*  He kills the man who owns bridal shop
*  He kills friend who is sleeping with a Professor to get  an "A"
* He kills Amy's pot smoking, headphone-wearing, goldfish-admiring best friend
Why the killer ,who gets his rocks off killing brides-to-be, also kills their friends and acquaintances is never fully explained.
* People have trashed this movie saying that it's a HALLOWEEN rip-off. Heck, even the theme music is reminiscent of the HALLOWEEN theme.
Well, it IS a rip-off...but a pretty good one.
My only complaint is that a lot of the killing is actually done off-screen. We don't actually get to see the murders take place and the blood spill. It's one of those movies where you see the killer raise his hand with a knife in it and slash but we don't actually see him cut into anyone. 
* Worth renting just to see Tom Hanks's film debut as a jogger/cheap date/ psychology major. And get this: They let HIS charactor live!
 
SARAH T.-PORTRAIT OF A TEENAGE ALCOHOLIC: '70s TV movie starring Linda Blair, High Priestess Of Good Time Trashy Movies, as a shy girl named Sarah who has been secretly drinking for the past two years.
Sarah's an unhappy teen. Her parents are divorced. She has a step-father she doesn't like which gives her ample opportunities to scream "You're not my father!" and slam doors.
Her real father is Larry Hagman who carries a man-purse full of beer and publicly drinks often. Or at least as often as he visits, which really isn't that often at all.
To make matters worse, she's starting out in a new school.
Her mother gets the cute boy-next-door named
Ken (Played by none other than Luke Skywalker himself Mark Hammill!) to take her to a party. While there Sarah has a few drinks and loosens up. She sings, dances and has fun. She tells her date that the party was her first time drinking. At first he believes her. But after he watches her get wasted on every single date they go on he realizes that she doesn't drink like a newbee at all and begins to suspect that she's a serious drinker who may be developing a problem.
Of course, Sarah is in bigtime denial and it takes a few horrible drunken mishaps for her to finally realize she needs help. By the end of the movie she's in AA and all is well.
* There are scenes in this movie where Sarah, desperate to get booze, calls the liquor store and places an order. Then when the delivery guy comes she says "It's for my Mom. She's in the shower". She even has the shower running for sound effects. The guy believes her, takes the cash and runs along leaving this sweet little minor with a bag full of booze.
Why wasn't I smart enough to come up with a brilliant scheme like this as a teenager?
 
*SIDNEY SHELDON'S A STRANGER IN THE MIRROR: Ham and cheese on wry.
This '90s TV movie has Perry King (Ham), Lori Loughlin (Cheese) and a corny, unintentionally funny script from trash writer Sidney Sheldon (Wry).
Try to forget this movie was made with serious intentions and just laugh your a** off. It's absolutley preposterous!
Perry King is a middle-aged comic named Toby Temple who gets discovered and makes the big time as the most heralded comic in the world. He even gets his own TV show: The Tony Temple Hour. Try watching Toby's act and / or his show and you will be beside yourself at how crappy his jokes are. Comics as bad as him used to do five minute routines in between stripper acts in the days of burlesque.
Everyone refers to Toby Temple as "The Kid". Did I mention Toby is played by Perry King? Perry King wasn't a "kid" when he made CLASS OF 1984 in the '80s and he ain't gettin' any younger!
After bedding most or all of the doll-faced women in Hollywood he meets no-nonsense Jill Castle. Her claim to fame is once when she was a lowly Go-To-It girl working behind the scenes in movies she got drugged and put in a porno flick. She put on one Hell of a show totally unconscious!
She ends up marrying Toby and then he gets in an accident that leaves him in a wheelchair pretty much a vegetable. This is one of those movies where the wife, because she loves her wheelchaired husband so much, bends down to his level and screams in his face stuff like "I know you're in there!"
One day while she's got Toby's wheelchair propped up by the pool another man stops by to visit. The two of them start to make out, forgetting that Toby's right there. The kick-stand on his wheelchair gives  out and he starts to roll towards the pool. The look on his face is priceless! Try acting your a** off without moving anything but your eyebrows. Not easy, is it?
He actually does plunge into the pool and dies. But don't worry: This is one of those movies where people are visited by ghosts.
I couldn't make this stuff up.
No one can pile the horse sh*t as high as Sidney Sheldon.
 
* THE RUNNING MAN: This '80s movie takes place in the not-so-distant future. The government and the media control everything. America is a sick society that gets its kicks watching the nation's highest rated reality show THE RUNNING MAN. The show is a cross between AMERICAN GLADIATORS and FEAR FACTOR. But to the extreme! Convicts are on the show and they are playing for their freedom. They are chased and beaten down by "stalkers" with names like Dynamo, Buzzsaw and Sub-Zero. If they can somehow fight these maniacs and win they are free. If not they are, well, dead.
The show is hosted by Richard Dawson. He's not kissing little old ladies and saying "The survey says" here. In fact, he's one mean son-of-a-b*tch! He's blood thirsty and ratings thirsty.
A police officer played by Arnold Schwarzeneggar gets arrested for a crime he didn't commit. He escapes jail in a prison break and goes to hide out at his brother's apartment. Only his brother doesn't live there anymore. Maria Conchita Alonso lives there now. She likes to do aerobics in lingerie!
When Richard Dawson sees TV footage of Arnold's jail break he decides that having Arnie on the show would just send the ratings soaring so he has Arnie nabbed and forced onto the show.
Well, I guess if you have to be on a show where you have to run and kick-a** to save your life it helps to be Arnold Schwarzeneggar. (Can you imagine the guy who played Screech on SAVED BY THE BELL being on THE RUNNING MAN?)
This movie has two things going for it that make it an absolute laugh riot to watch.
1. Richard Dawson is totally over-the-top as the villain barking out commands and throwing heaps of torture Arnold's way
2. This film was made in the '80s. It was supposed to take place in the future. And yet every single costume on every single person in the movie is so totally '80s. Check out those SOLID GOLD dancers, for Pete's sake!
 
* DEADLY FRIEND: Two words: Basketball Decapitation.
That is what makes this movie a Must See: Basketball Decapitation.
DEADLY FRIEND was directed by Wes Craven. But that doesn't mean that it's a dang scary wet-your-pants fright-fest. It's more like an AFTERSCHOOL SPECIAL gone ape.
Paul (Matthew Laborteaux) is the new boy in town. He's a bit of a geek. You can tell because he shows up with a robot servant he's hand-crafted named BeeBee. BeeBee is half- butler half-friend to friendless Paul. You might think the other kids would think it's cool to have a home-made robot following you around doing your bidding. They don't. They hate Paul and BeeBee. So does the old battle axe next door (THROW MAMA FROM THE TRAIN's Anne Ramsey). Then again, she hates everybody. She has a huge fence around her property, a bitchin' alarm sysytem, and a shotgun she likes to wave while she snarls at young'uns. 
Paul makes friends with some human kids. One is a cute guy named Tom. The other is cute girl-next-door Sam (Kristy Swanson). Sam is a nice, pretty, young thing who lives with her half-crazed Angry Dad who beats and molests her.
One day when the kids are playing basketball their ball goes into the yard of the B*tch-On-Wheels neighbor and she confiscates it. They go for revenge on Halloween night by sneaking onto her property to play a prank. But the prank's on them: She pops out and fills BeeBee fulla' lead. Now there's nothing left of BeeBee but his brain chip and a few broken parts.
But that's the least of their problems.
One night during a fight with her father Sam gets tossed down a flight of stairs and goes limp. She's rushed to the hospital where she's in a coma, pronounced brain dead and put on life support. Her father can't pull the plug fast enough.
 Paul is devestated. And he should be: Sam was the only chick in the neighborhood who would give him the time of day!
So he breaks into the hospital, steals her dead body and grafts BeeBee's brain chip onto Sam's brain to try to "bring her back to life". It works. Sort of. Sam is one part human, one part robot and a little bit zombie now. And she's pissed and looking for revenge on those who have done her wrong!
On that list is Dad, naturally. Also on that list is the Senior Citizen B*tch-On-Wheels neighbor.
 Sam breaks into the old lady's house to get her basketball back. The old lady walks in and starts carrying on. Sam takes the ball and using full-throttle super-human strength smashes the old b*tch in the face with it causing her head to explode into a million pieces. She shoots! She scores!
 
*COFFY: I like my coffee the same way I like my women: Strong and black.
Lucky for me this COFFY is both strong and black. It's Pam Grier!
COFFY wastes no time giving us what we want from a '70s Blaxpoitation flick. It opens with a Funkadelic theme song and wastes no time getting to the nitty gritty. As soon as the opening credits are done rolling we are treated to a t*t shot. Less than one minute into the movie! It's Coffy, wrapping up sex with a no good drug pusher. Two minutes later she's waving a gun in his face and screaming "This is the end of your rotten life, you motherf*ckin' dope pusher!" and she shoots. What follows is a head explosion that puts the one in DEADLY FRIEND to shame. And this is all less than five minutes into the movie!
Coffy works in the daytime as a nurse. At night she's a vigilante going after drug scum. Her little sister is in the hospital because of her addiction and Coffy is out to avenge her honor.
Coffy goes undercover as an exotic Jamaican prostitute named Mystique. This gives her ample opportunity to use the word "Mon", replace heroine with sugar, kill a few drug dealers and get into clothes-ripping cat fights with some hookers. Not only does Coffy fight dirty, she fights very creatively.( Ladies, did you know that hiding razor blades in your weave can give you a great advantage over any ho who grabs your head during a cat fight? Neither did I. Coffy did!)
If Coffy sounds a lot like FOXY BROWN that's because it is. Observe:
 
Things FOXY BROWN and COFFY have in common:
 
* Pam Grier
* Black woman vigilante goes undercover as a prostitute
* Fights with a lesbian
* Fights dirty
* Has a MacGyver-like ability to make a weapon out of just about anything
* Ends with ultimate penile punishment
 
The first sixty seconds of COFFY remind me of an old dirty joke:
Whats better: Sex or drugs?
It depends on who the "pusher" is!
 
*  THE STEPFORD WIVES: Joanna doesn't want to move out of nasty, cruel, dirty New York City (Who would?!) But her husband has packed up her, the kids and the dog to move them all to Stepford, Connecticut. And why wouldn't he? The women there dress like Southern belles, clean like Martha Stewart, are obediant as Geishas and can suck a mean d*ck to boot!
Joanna doesn't get it.
She just about drops and kisses the ground when she meets Bobby, the only sane woman in Stepford. Bobby goes bra-less, wears Daisy Dukes, drinks booze and eats Ding Dongs. The scandal!
The two of them decide to get the Stepford gals together for a b*tch-fest where they will discuss womens liberation and sex. The Stepford wives only wanna discuss the marvels of the cleaning products they use and complain about how they never have enough time to bake as often as they'd like, gosh darn it!
Joanna begs to go back to New York but her husband brings her to a shrink instead.
When Joanna walks into slob Bobby's house and discovers that it's immaculately clean and Bobby is wearing an apron (And a bra too!) and making coffee she knows that she's the only one left to discover the terrible truth and (Hopefully) get out alive.
If you don't know how this movie ends you've been living in a cave too long.
 
HOUSE OF WAX (1953) : Not the 2005 remake featuring, God Save Us, Paris Hilton.
This one stars Vincent Price as a mild-mannered wax sculptor named Henry Jarod. His charactor starts the film out sweeter than Jewish wine but seeing that it's a Vincent Price movie you just know that there's some underlying evil bubbling below the surface just waiting to be unleashed.
Business at the wax museum is at a slow crawl. Mr. Jarod is content just making life-like dummies of heros like Joan of Arc and Marie Antoinette but his sinister partner wants to add some gruesome macabre displays to the museum to draw in the sick and twisted crowd. Mr. Jarod says "pish posh" to that. His sculptures are like children to him and he doesn't feel he has to cheapen the feel of the place to bring in the public. His partner then recommends torching the place to get the insurance money. He doesn't agree but it's already too late: The match is lit. There's a struggle, Mr Jarod gets knocked out and he's left to go down in the fiery blaze.Soon after a new, hip version of the House Of Wax opens up and this one's not for the faint of heart. You can tell cuz there's an annoying, uppity woman at the premiere whose gasping, fanning herself and just about fainting. There's also a paddleball stunt man outside carnival- barking and doing 3D tricks to draw a crowd. Who says sex sells? Speaking of sex, there are two female roommates at the local boarding house. One is gold-digging hoochie Cathy (Played by Carolyn "Morticia Addams" Jones) and the other is prim, proper, dowdy wallflower Sue (Phyllis Kirk). 
One night Cathy is snatched in the middle of the night by a mysterious caped figure (Gee, I wonder who it could be?) Not wanting to stay in the broken-in apartment Sue goes to stay with a cute male friend who seems to be interested in her.
I know when a friend of mine gets kidnapped and murdered my first order of business is to go out with a hottie and have some fun. Sue thinks so too. She goes to the wax museum premiere with her handsome suitor. But she just cant get Cathy off her mind. Especially when she sees the display of Joan of Arc and it looks just like......Yup. You guessed it: Cathy. It even has Cathy's trademark one pierced ear!
She meets Mr Jarod who somehow survived the fire and changed his mind about a Horror themed wax shop. He's in a wheelchair and his hands are gnarly but aside from that he looks great for a man who was trapped in an inferno a few weeks ago! He keeps remarking that Sue is lovely and would make a great statue of Marie Antoinette. But does this mean he wants her to pose for him and his new apprentice Igor (Charles DEATH WISH Bronson) or does it mean he wants to strip her naked, bind her down and dip her writhing body in boiling hot wax?
Tons o' fun.
 
TALES FROM THE DARKSIDE: THE MOVIE: Just like the TV series itself, the TALES FROM THE DARKSIDE movie has a Hit and Miss success rate. Some of the stories work, others don't.
The first story with college kids running around with a mummy chasing them just doesn't really work for me.
The second story with BUSTER "Hot Hot Hot!" POINDEXTER  trying to kill William Hickey's evil black cat was funny and sort of gross so it passes muster.
The third installment is the gem.  A real heartbreaker. A man is attacked by a gargoyle in a dark alleyway. The only way the demon beast will spare him his life is if he promises not to ever tell anyone about it. Easier said than done because the guy is one of those artist types and now he can't stop himself from drawing pictures by the thousands of this thing that attacked him. And that's all I'm going to say. If you haven't seen the movie yet check it out.
 
POLYESTER: Probably the first and last movie to ever feature Oderama, this John Waters classic featured scratch & sniff cards so that the viewer could enjoy some not-very-enjoyable scents with the charactors on the screen. (I believe "feet" was one of the smells).
Drag Queen Divine stars as Francine Fishpaw, a put upon housewife who must deal with a cheating husband, his tacky mistress and even her own nasty mother. She also has a son who has a foot/ foot stomping fetish and a trampy hellion daughter who gets knocked up. A ray of sunshine comes into her dank polyester life when she meets handsome Todd Tomorrow (Tab Hunter) but even he isn't all that he seems. Very strange and very funny and (Unless your familiar with John Waters other movies) probably not like anything you've ever seen before.
 
ICE CASTLES: This movie is the perfect marriage of two genres: "The Chick Flick" and "The Disease Of The Week Flick".  Young up-and-coming skater Lexie (Lynn Holly Johnson) has a freak accident that causes her to go blind. She's wrecked that she'll never skate again. Her childhood sweetheart Nick (Robby Benson) pulls her out of her depression and trains her so that she can skate once more!  A corny, schmaltzy weepie...but, damn it, it works!
 
BLACK MARKET BABY: Cross your legs, Linda Purl. Cross 'em and keep 'em crossed!  Old, wealthy, childless couple picks young, prim, virginal college girl (Linda Purl) to be the lucky one to get knocked up by Desi Arnaz Jr! Their goal, you see, is that the girl will opt to put the bastard child up for adoption. Desi will recommend a hack doctor who in turn will recommend a bogus "adoption agency" which will intercept the baby, pay Desi boku bucks and deliver the baby to the old, wealthy, childless couple.
This plan is going surprisingly well until Linda, in a home for unwed pregnant mothers, meets another pregnant girl (Annie Potts with shocking dark hair) who cues her in on Desi's shady dealings.
Now Linda is out to get herself and her unborn baby away from this seedy array of charactors. To no avail. It's like quicksand: The more she struggles to get free the deeper "in" she finds herself.
This whole movie is utterly preposterous. No one should ever watch it with serious intent. But there's so many MELROSE PLACE-like twists and turns that you cant help but watch it to see where it goes next.
Example with a SPOILER: To get away from Desi Linda goes to her doctor for help. He tells her he knows "a nice couple" she can stay with. Do I even have to tell you that "the nice couple" are the people who want to illegally adopt her baby?!
 
LITTLE LADIES OF THE NIGHT (aka DIAMOND ALLEY): Linda Purl (Again!) is Hailey, a teen runaway on Hollywood Boulevard . She breaks into a car so she can sleep in it. The car ends up belonging to undercover cop Vic Tayback (Mel from the TV show ALICE). Thinking she's a teen prostitute he drags her down to the precinct. And what a precinct! Not only does "Mel" work there, so do Lou Gossett Jr. and David STARSKY AND HUTCH Soul (Sporting a bad '70s man perm and a cheesy two-bit mustache).
Soul was once the most high-falutin' pimp on the strip 'til his kid sister became a teen whore and got iced. Now he helps the cops find teen prostitutes and trys to get them out of the ho biz.
David Soul and Lou Gossett Jr reunite Hailey with her family. Her father is happy to have the apple of his eye back. The mother (Carolyn "ADDAMS FAMILY" Jones) not so much. She's jealous of the attention her husband ravishes on Hailey. Sooner than later Hailey is overhearing squabbles between her folks about how her crazy b*tch mother thinks of Hailey as "the other woman" she must compete with for her husband. She runs away and ends up back on Sunset Boulevard.
She meets a big black pimp named Comfort (Clifton Davis). He offers to get her a hot meal and four days later she's his lady, living in the lap of luxury. That's the good news. The bad news is he wants her to start "flat-backing" for him. She says "no", he beats her up, sooner than later she's dealing with her first customer while one of the more seasoned whores sits in the room doing her nails.
Not liking this much, Hailey goes back to the precinct for help. With nowhere else to put her Lou Gossett Jr and David Soul put her in a half-way house run by Katherine Helmond (SOAP, WHO'S THE BOSS). She seems like a nice lady but is really the devil in disguise, making the under-aged girls she's in charge of pose for pornographic pictures. Hailey beats her with a rock and escapes. She ends up back with Comfort. (I guess posing for pornographic pictures is worse than hooking???)
Comfort sics his stable of Stepford Whores on Hailey and they give her a good beat down to welcome her back into the family.
At the end of the movie David Soul offers Comfort $1000 for Hailey's freedom, only to get stabbed....and then robbed of his thousand bucks!  Watching David Soul get punctured is enough to convince Hailey that being a hooker is not such a great career choice. She takes Soul to the hospital, vows to go straight and goes to live with Lou Gossett Jr and his family (I guess she's The White Sheep of the family. Har har har!)
LITTLE LADIES OF THE NIGHT was one of those edgey '70s TV movies that had some people up arms over it's seedy subject matter. (Think DAWN: PORTRAIT OF A TEENAGE RUNAWAY and BORN INNOCENT). I think it was edited to cut some of the rougher stuff out before it ran. It's not as good as DAWN, but look at that cast! I says if you can find a movie that somehow  squeezes Mel Sharples, Mortica Addams, Starsky and the drill seargent from AN OFFICER AND A GENTLEMAN into it's cast than you should just go for it!
 
 
HEAVY METAL PARKING LOT: Beer! Booze! Drugs! AQUANET! Spandex! JUDAS PRIEST! All the things those of us who were lucky enough to have been teenagers in the '80s hold near and dear. This is a documentary that runs about twenty two minutes that was shot in the parking lot before a JUDAS PRIEST concert. There are a lot of teens drinking, drugging, making out, going "Woo Hoo!" and declaring their love for those Metal Gods JUDAS PRIEST. Personal favorites include a teen girl who, when asked what she would do if she met singer Rob Halford, stops drinking long enough to answer in a drawl "Jump his bones!" and a group of foreigners who are missing more than a few teeth who seem really excited to be going to the show. When asked how they got JUDAS PRIEST tickets they don't know! HEAVY METAL PARKING LOT is a nostalgic slice of '80s life. And, yes, Kids: We really DID dress like that!
 
LEMORA: A CHILD'S TALE OF THE SUPERNATURAL: This lesser known gem offers up something a little different: It plays like a perverse, Horror, fairey tale for grown-ups. Cheryl "Rainbeux" Smith plays Lila Lee, a pure, virginal, thirteen year old singing angel choir girl. Her father, a notorious gangster, murdererd her mother and her lover when he caught them in bed together and then fled. Now Lila is in the custody of the church and living with a minister who is starting to look at her funny now that she's starting to blossom. Lila gets a letter from a a mysterious woman named Lemora that says that Lila's father is alive but close to death and hiding out in the forest. Lila decides to go look for her father so she can forgive him and make peace with him before he dies.  Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, that Lila runs across seems to wanna rape her: The minister. A guy Lila trys to hitch a ride from. A man beating up his wife in front of a bar who stops punching long enough to catcall "Hey, Girlie, Looking for a good time?". A prostitute. The guy selling tickets at the bus station. The bus driver. Even Lemora, and she's a chick!  Lila takes a bus into the dark, scary, stinky (!) forest with a freaky bus driver who warns her that the woods aren't safe anymore since "the epidemic". Before he has time to further explain the bus breaks down and gets attacked by creatures that are half man half beast. Lemora rescues Lila and puts her in "the stone house", a cottage the size of a cell. There an old witchy woman feeds Lila and sings (A lot!)
Across the way is Lemora's house: Horror Movie Delight: A huge mansion over-run with a bunch of weird, maniacally giggling kids and a few random beasts. Lila, being a good Christian girl who has probably never sat through a Horror movie, can't figure out from all the clues that Lemora, who looks sort of like a Goth Sigourney Weaver dead and buried for three weeks and then dug back up, is a vampire. And a bit of a lesbian. Lemora makes Lila drink blood, dance and gives her a bath that results in a tickle fight. (See? I told you Lemora was as queer as a three dollar bill!)
Lila finally realizes that odd Lemora is a vampire when she witnesses Lemora drinking the blood from someone. Then she screams and makes a mad dash to escape. The last twenty minutes or so are of Lila sneaking around trying to escape Lemora, a pack of torch carrying vampires and a few other beast men.
LEMORA: A CHILD'S TALE OF THE SUPERNATURAL  is just weird enough to work.
* I'm sure it wasn't a coincidence that all the beasts in this movie are male and all the church-goers are women. Hmmmm. 
 
SHAUN OF THE DEAD: Hysterical movie taking place in England about loser named Shaun who is pushing thirty and stuck in a rut. His life has become one big, hopeless routine. Every day he wakes up, gets ready for work, heads to the same deli, slaps his money on the counter, walks out, goes to work at his dead-end job that he hates, goes home, plays video games with his loser best freind Ed (Whose idea of humor is letting go silent but deadly farts and watching Shaun wince and tear up from smell) and then heading to the pub with Ed where he meets his girlfriend Liz and her snotty friends.
This whole routine gets thrown off track when Liz trys to break up with Shaun. Shaun refuses to accept the break up. He deals with it by having a big night of drinking with Ed. The next day Shaun, hungover, gets up and goes through his dailey routine. He doesn't even notice that the neighborhood has been over-run with zombies! He walks right through the mayhem, the madness, the dead bodies and he doesn't seem to hear the reports coming from the TV that there is a huge invasion going on He just goes about his regular routine.
When he finally DOES realize there is an invasion of the undead he grabs Ed and heads out to save the day and hopefully win back Liz in the process. He and Ed use cricket bats and LP records(Only the bad ones like DIRE STRAIGHTS and SADE)  as weapons while fighting zombies. They grab Shaun's mother, his stepfather, Liz and Liz's friends and head to the only place that makes sense to hole up in: The pub!
They hide out in the pub drinking while zombies try to beat their way in. They eventually do.
I'm not going to tell you the fate of Shaun and his friends. You will have to rent the movie if you want to find out.
Very funny. Highly recommended.
 
LEON (aka THE PROFESSIONAL aka LEON: THE PROFESSIONAL): Sad, broken spirited, twelve year old girl named Mathilda lives in a tiny New York City apartment with her father who is a drug pusher, her step-mother who is a prostitute, her b*tchy step-sister who beats on her and her baby brother.
Mathilda likes to cut school, watch cartoons, smoke cigerettes in the hallway and watch the mysterious stranger Leon who lives down the hall.
One day Mathilda comes home from the store to find that a drug king pin (Gary Oldman) and his thugs have come to wipe out the whole family, even the baby. Oldman finds a picture of Mathilda in the apartment and lets his men know that "There's a little girl" left to kill. Mathilda sneaks down the hall to Leon's door, rings his bell and pleads in a whisper for him to please open the door. He does.
With no where else to go the little girl decides she wants to stay with Leon. Leon, it turns out, is an assasin for hire who is a loner with no family or friends to speak of. He has a plant that he takes care of and that's it. He thinks about shooting the little girl while she sleeps but can't go through with it. He ends up keeping her with him and training her to be a "cleaner" so that she can protect herself from that b*stard Gary Oldman. Soon Mathilda and Leon, who really had no one, become eachother's family.
This is an Action movie that I thought I was going to hate and absolutely loved right from the first viewing. Stars Jean Reno and Natalie Portman (Who is both very young and strikingly seductive looking in this, her film debut) give two knock-out performances and Gary Oldman is at his over-the-top best as the bad guy.
Do not let anything stop you from watching this film.
 
EDWARD SCISSORHANDS:Dianne Wiest is an "AVON lady" who is desperate to make a sale. She finds herself at the strange old mansion at the edge of town, enters and finds a strange young man who looks like a cross between THE CURE's Robert Smith and my friend Gabe, only with scissors for hands. His name is Edward and he was created by an inventor who was like a father to him (Vincent Price) who, sadly, died before completeing Edward.
Edward has spent his whole life hiding inside the mansion by himself. Dianne Wiest decides to bring him home to live with her and her family (See that? And my husband gets mad when I bring a dog home!) Of course, Edward has a a hard time adapting to living in the "real world" but soon finds himself a niche: Using his scissor hands to create works of art out sculpted hedges and inventing wild, New Wave haircuts. 
While all this is going on Edward finds himself falling in love with Dianne Wiest's daughter (Winona Ryder, before she went crazy) . Unfortunately, this doesn't sit well with the girl's mean, son-of-a-b*tch boyfriend (Played by a barely recognizable Anthony Michael Hall).
At the end there is a misunderstanding and the town turns on Edward, making this tale a sort of "modernized" verison of FRANKENSTEIN. This movie is funny, heartwarming and the ending always makes me cry. Tim Burton's best movie. (Before he went nuts and made that crap PLANET OF THE APES re-make. Honestly, what was he thinking???)
 
DONNIE DARKO: It's the '80s and high school is a b*tch! Even more so for Donnie Darko, a tortured soul who is having hallucinations that he believes are premonitions warning him that the end of the world is coming....soon. Only Donnie can stop the madness and save the world. That is if any of these visions are real and just not being caused by the medication unstable Donnie has been taking.
This movie is probably the most realistic "High school is Hell" movie ever made, if you can get past the too-weird-for-words elements such as the engine of a plain falling off and landing in Donnie's house in his bedroom, Donnie's visions of a creepy, giant rabbit that speaks of armegeddon, Donnie's other hallucinations and, of course, the whole "porthole through time" theory. Give it a try. I can honestly say it's not like anything you've ever seen before.
 
A NIGHT IN HEAVEN: It's rare but sometimes a movie's theme song becomes a huge hit and the movie itself sort of goes unnoticed. That's pretty much the case with A NIGHT IN HEAVEN. It's theme, Heaven by BRYAN ADAMS, became a huge hit but only a handful of people will actually admit to having seen the movie. And that's a shame because A NIGHT IN HEAVEN is pure '80s cheese! How could it not be? It's an '80s flick about teen male strippers, for crying out loud!
Leslie Ann Warren is a teacher who is in a dull marriage with a crashing bore of a husband. One night she decides to let her hair down and go to a strip club with a few of her girlfriends. To her surprise, one of the strippers is the cute kid in her class that she's been failing. He grinds up on her and trys to makes her as uncomfortable as possible but, you know the old saying: Don't hang your meat in the window if it's not for sale!
The next thing you know the two are in a hot and heavy affair. It matters not that she's married. It matters not that he has a bimbo teeny bopper girlfriend. It matters not that she's his teacher and he's her student. It matters not that this is the most unethical way known to man to raise your grade point average. All that matters is that Christopher Atkins can grind better than a hurdy gurdy man both on the dance floor and in the sack!
Soon the dopey husband realizes what's going on and he confronts the young money-maker- shaker. He grabs him by gunpoint and forces him to strip naked in a rowboat. The naked, scared teen pleads for his life, crys and uses the lamest excuse known to man for boinking another man's wife: "I thought she was lonely!" Oh yeah, that's gonna save you from an angry husband who is waving a gun at your manhood!
The husband commands him to dance and Atkins gets out two or three pathetic steps and the husband tells him he sucks and shoots a hole in the dinghy. And by "dinghy" I mean boat.
For some reason the husband takes Leslie Ann Warren back and their marriage is all the stronger as a result of her cheating! Who'da thunk it?
 
THE BABY: If John Waters had only $50 to blow on a budget and only two days to shoot a Horror movie it would probably come out looking a lot like THE BABY.
 I was sort of confused about where the entertainment merits of THE BABY lay. On the one hand, it''s a terrible movie. But, on the other hand, it is so damn odd that it just manages to eek on to my Cult Classics list and avoid being called a "Clinker".
There is this weird family trying to find a babysitter to watch over "The Baby". A young lady shows up for the job and finds out, to her shock and dismay, that The Baby is a grown man, wearing a diaper and sleeping in a crib. (Don't worry: It's not a porno). Baby's mother explains that Baby is old enough to shave but mentally stuck at the age of a toddler. The more we get to know the mother and Baby's two nasty sisters we get the feeling that they like keeping Baby this way. They can cuddle up with Baby when their lonely and when they get mad at him they can chase him around shocking him with a cattle prod. Yikes!
Instead of running for the hills the young lady stays to take on babysitting Baby. This all goes pretty well until Baby decides he wants to be nursed and wrestles her out of her top and starts sucking. She doesn't mind TOO much. You can tell 'cuz she's moaning "Oh, Baby, Oh Baby". Baby's mother walks in on this action and gives the girl what for. Soon a social worker is showing up at the house to check up on Baby and his crazy family. She takes an instant shine to Baby and decides she's gonna get him out of this madhouse. Even if she has to kill to do it.
Totally ridiculous from start to finish but so compellingly strange you just can't look away.
Dig that crazy "twist" ending!
 
THE WARRIORS: Some people don't like THE WARRIORS or say that it's only good in a campy way. Those people:
A. Obviously aren't from New York and
B. Can lick my groin
THE WARRIORS is a Great American Classic! Granted, it might be a little "dated" by some of the fashions, some of the hairstyles, some of the lingo ("Suckas!") and some of the other stuff but I think those things actually are part of it's appeal. They are part of what makes THE WARRIORS a satisfying period piece, recalling New York Thug Life Circa 1970.
A gang from Coney Island, THE WARRIORS, go to the Bronx for a conclave involving gang members from every gang in New York. There, head gang leader Cyrus gives a speech about "The Truce", telling the gangs that if they put aside their differences and work together they will be an army of 100,00 soldiers outnumbering the cops and having all the power. "Can you dig it?????"
Some little bastard from The Rogues named Luthor (David Patrick Kelly, who looks sort of like a young Sean Penn with a really, really, really bad drug problem) shoots Cyrus and in the midst of the cops showing up and everyone running for the hills he proclaims that one of The Warriors was the one who killed Cyrus. So now everyone is out to get The Warriors: The Turnbull A.C.'s, The Riffs, The Rogues, The Orphans, The Baseball Furies, The Lizzies, The Punks and, of course, the cops.
The Warriors get no mercy. Well, actually, they DO get Mercy. They literally pick up a floozy chick named Mercy!  So now, with Mercy in tow, The Warriors are trying to get back to their home turf in Coney Island. 
Some of the gangs in The Warriors look tough. Others not so much (Mimes???).
There's plenty of action and fighting in this flick and, dare I say, even a romance.
It's also very quotable ("Stay tuned, Boppers"), the piece de resistance being David Patrick Kelly clinking three bottles together and taunting "Warriors, come out and play-ay!"
 
STRANGE DAYS: This movie, that came out in 1995, takes place in "the future", the days leading up to New Years Eve 2000. Even though that momentous occasion has already come and gone you should still watch STRANGE DAYS, a great Sci-Fi Action flick.
Ralph Fiennes is Lenny, a guy who was once a cop but now deals in selling "squid" equipment.
What is "squid" equipment? It seems that people are getting their jollys by jacking into virtual reality tapes that let you experience the real-life experiences and emotions taped from other people. Lenny's favorite "squid" tape is one of him and his x-girlfriend, sleezy, slutty  Rock singer Faith (Juliette Lewis: Who else?!) having sex. He still inexplicably loves Faith but she's cruel to him and now is pretty much the property of her new "bad guy" boyfriend.
One day Lenny gets a "squid" tape of one of his friends getting raped and murdered. He realizes he has to find out who "filmed" it and stop them. He gets his best friend, a sexy, totally buff bodyguard (Angela Bassett) to help him find out whose behind it. 
Lots of action and violence, if you like that sort of thing. Or even if you don't. I usually don't like Action or Sci-Fi flicks but I loved STRANGE DAYS. Go figure.
 
HAIR: Yes, HAIR, the famous Hippie Musical, where the cast members have been known to get so emotionally wrapped up in the moment and the message that they rip-off all their clothes and sing and dance nude.
There's actually not a whole lot of nudity in the HAIR movie, aside from a funny skinny-dipping scene, but it's still a very enjoyable slice of '60s New York Hippie Peace Lovin' Life.
Claude (John Savage) is a hick from Oklahoma who is spending his last few days before heading to Vietnam in New York. There, he is surpirised to see a bunch of hippies singing, dancing and taking all sorts of illegal substances in Central Park.
He starts hanging out with head hippie Berger (Treat Williams) and his friends Hud (Dorsey THE WARRIORS Wright), Woof (Don Dacus from the group CHICAGO) and Jeannie (Annie Golden from the group THE SHIRTS). He also sets his sights on a beautiful, uptight, rich girl (Beverly D'Angelo) who he sees riding a horse through the park. Her name is Sheila and, although she starts out hoity toity and thinking she's too good for these bums, they soon win her over and "corrupt" her.
This movie is all about peace, love, drugs, dancing and singing.
It has a lot of great songs including The Age Of Aquarious, Let The Sun Shine In, Good Morning Starshine, Hair and Easy to Be Hard.
There are also a lot of familiar faces in the crowd. Keep your eyes open for solos sung by Nell Carter and Melba Moore as well as a segment in which THE FACTS OF LIFE's Mrs Garrett herself Charlotte Rae dirty dances with a sexy hippie stud!
 
JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL: I would love to meet the people responsible for making this forty minute film. I want to shake their hands.
Try to imagine an After School Special, but done as a musical. You heard me: A musical.
This little chestnut was filmed in a Van Nuys high school and used real everyday students instead of professional actors, singers and dancers. Bloody brilliant!
A lot of these kids never worked in movies again and it's pretty obvious why. The only breakthrough talent here is a then-unknown charmer named Paula Abdul. Yup. Straight Up AMERICAN IDOL judge Paula Abdul! Dig her "orignal" nose!
Our story centers around a young lad named Jerry who looks like he has made every style decision in his life based on what Keith Partridge would wear. Flipped feathered hair: He's got it. Pooka shell necklace: He's got it. Shirt opened a few buttons: Got it. Big belt: Got it. Tight jeans: Got them too! Our hero has a serious crush on the tall, blonde, pretty girl Lori but as of yet has never had the nerve to do anything about it. His Lance Kerwin-ish best friend is always giving advice but doesn't have the cojones to practice what he preaches. His reasoning is that if he let loose with his God- given charm that he would have to beat every girl in the school off with a stick!
When Sherry (Paula Abdul) announces, in song, that she's going to have "A party this Friday night" Jerry knows that it's time to either sh*t or get off the pot. He must get Lori to be his date for the dance. This should be easy, right? Nope. He's got a few foils including nerdy b*stard Keith who is the kind of kid who carrys a briefcase to every class, even gym(!), and temptress slut Vicki who wants to bring Jerry to the dance as HER date as a slap in the face to the jerky school jocks who are always fighting over her.
What would a highschool musical be without a song and dance number that takes place in the girls locker room called "The Itty Bitty Titty Committee" and a big old butch gym teacher named Miss Van Dyke!
This movie is an absolute howl. I laughed all the way through. But be warned:
It's almost impossible to find a copy of this lost gem. Methinks Paula Abdul bought 'em all up and torched them!
 
STORY OF RICKY (aka LAI WONG): If you see only one ridiculously violent, terribly dubbed, unintentionally funny Kung Fu Revenge flick this year let it be STORY OF RICKY.  Ricky, along with  the five bullets lodged in his body ("Souvenirs"), is stuck in a Hell-like Chinese prison after he kills the drug dealer responsible for the death of his childhood sweetheart. 
Ricky doesn't like the way the prison is run by the terrible, evil, porn-loving assistant warden. The assistant warden has a glass eye that he carrys mints in (!) and a hook hand. He also has The Gang Of Four, his evil henchmen who bring new meaning to the term "corporal punishment". When you f*ck up they pretty much kill you or just beat you into a state where you WISH you were dead.
 Ricky is gonna buck The System and kick some major a**! Ricky has a unique way of fighting:  He allows his oponent a couple of good hits and then kills them in one punch, usually putting his fist right through their face, stomach, what have you. Ricky can put his fists of fury through people, chains, iron bars and walls which will have you wondering why he doesn't just break out of the prison!
Aside from totally splatter-ific fight scenes RICKY also boasts priceless,  hysterical dialogue: When a guy named Oscar is disembowled during a fight with Ricky he then pulls out his intestines and trys to strangle Ricky with them, to which the assistant warden cheers " You've got a lot of guts, Oscar!"
 
SARS WARS (aka KHUN KRABII HIIROH): When my husband brought this Asian video home  I assumed it was going to be an all four on the floor bloodbath with tons of violence and gore. It is. But there is also a wacky mix of comedy blended in (The only thing missing from this thing is Leslie Nielson).
The story is about a virus called Sars 4 that is going around turning people into zombies. While this is going on a group of not-too-bright bad-a**es are trying to kidnap a wealthy man's nubile schoolgirl daughter so they can hold her for ransom. There is a hero type who is in love with her and trying to get her back. There's also his wise old teacher and a sexy female doctor running around through all this.
It's really hard for me to explain the plot because there's just so much crammed into the hour and a half that you really must see this one for yourself.
If you like goofy martial arts revenge flicks like STORY OF RICKY and silly zombie spoofs like SHAUN OF THE DEAD than you will love SARS WARs, which is a perfect marriage of both.
 
CORPSE BRIDE: Beautiful, funny, touching, spooky tale, done using stop action animation, tells the tale of Victor (Voiced by Johnny Depp), a young man who is about to embark on his arranged marriage to a girl he's never met before. When he nervously blows his wedding rehearsal he goes for a walk and trys to recite his vows to himself in the woods. He accidentally drops the ring and it lands on the outreached bony hand of a buried corpse bride named Emily (Voiced by Helena Bonham Carter), who springs up and brings her new "husband" to the Land Of The Dead.
Should Victor stay with living dead girl Emily or return to his betrothed Victoria?
Breathtakingly beautiful.
 
THE WICKER MAN: Not the scaryest Horror movie I've ever seen, but definately one of the strangest. Truly bizarre tale involving a Christian police officer (Edward THE EQUALIZER Woodward) who is looking for a missing pre-teen girl on a small island that is home to an odd group of Pagans.
 Every one living on the island of Summerisle seems to be obssesed with sex in one way or another: From the people who are making love outside in plain sight to the children who are dancing around the may pole, which their teacher has taught them represents a huge penis. Even the young and nubile inn keeper's daughter (Va va va voom!) teases and sings seductive songs in the nude loud enough for him to hear through his bedroom wall!
The cop is an uptight, proper, old fashioned prude. They give him fair warning that, for his own sake,  he better be gone by May Day. That's when they have their big fertility celebration where anything goes!
 If you haven't seen this movie yet ask no questions. Don't even read the box. This one is best watched going in cold. If you know nothing about THE WICKER MAN some of the truly strange things going on in Summerisle will blow your everlovin' mind!  Even the music's weird!
 
MALIBU HIGH: It's the gool old '70s and California highschool senior Kim is tired. Tired of her failing grades. Tired of always being broke. Tired of her x-boyfriend Kevin dumping on her (He recently left her to hook up with snotty rich girl Annette!) She gets stoned with her best friend Lucy and resolves to do something to better her situation.
The next day she struts into school weaing a halter top, a shorty-short mini and platform sandals and - Voila!  -She's a teen ho! 
She starts working for a small time hood named Tony out of the back of his van, sleeping with teachers to get passing grades and experimenting with drugs.
Soon she's squirelled away enough ho money to buy herself new clothes and a new second hand car. Her mom starts to get suspicious and asks her where she's getting all this money. Kim retorts that she's involved in "relief work".
When Kim accidentally kills a kinky john she decides to add "hired assasin" to her resume. She starts working for a "better pimp" and practices both sex for pay and murder for hire. A Jill Of All Trades that Kim! And resourceful too! When the stuffy old principal at school starts questioning  why she's getting A's in all her classes except for the one that a female teacher is teaching she gives the uptight old man a heart attack by hiding his heart pills and then giving him a private peep show.
Sooner than later Kim is a woman outta control: Doing drugs, hooking, bumping people off.
The finale has her shooting Annette's wealthy father, fleeing the scene, thinking twice about it and then going back to ice Annette too. Kevin sees her and a chase pursues. And that's when we are hit with the highlight of this cheesy sleazefest: Kevin chases Kim along the beach to the heart-racing music that is used as the theme of  THE PEOPLES COURT! I kid you not. THE PEOPLES COURT!
MALIBU HIGH is regarded by many as the worst movie ever made. I don't know about that. But I do know that it's one of the most enjoyably bad exploitation flicks that I've ever seen.
 
GIRL IN THE GOLD BOOTS: My second favorite MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 episode, second only to the oh so fabulous MANOS: HANDS OF FATE roasting, is this tale about a singing dancing waitress who works at a roadside diner called EAT with her drunk and nasty father.
One day a guy stops in, sees Michele shaking her a** to the jukebox and tells her she ought to come to L.A. with him to become, dare to dream, a go go dancer. Michele takes money out of the register (Only this weeks pay. Michele is a good girl) and skips town with her new friend "Buzz".
On the way they meet an unshaven beatnik hitchhiker named "Critter" He strums his guitar and writes really bad  sonnets. For some reason he joins them.on thier quest.
They end up at a nightclub called The Haunted House where Michele gets work as a silver-booted back-up dancer to the Haunted House's main attraction, Joanie, who gets to wear the prized gold boots!
Joanie has drug problems . One night she's too trashed to headline and Michele gets her big break. She gets to wear the coveted gold boots and gets to shake her rump in laughably bad dance numbers that are supposed to somehow be erotic.
Along the way we find out that Buzz is a no good crumb and that Critter and Michele are destined for romance (Check out the lame love song he sings about her. You'll laugh til you cry!)
This movie MIGHT be watchable without the aid of MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATRE 3000, but I wouldn't recommend it.
 
FASTER PUSSYCAT KILL KILL: How can we mention "go go girls" without mentioning the Russ Meyer trash epic FASTER PUSSYCAT KILL KILL? Three impossible busty go go girls, Varla, Rosie and Billie, go hot rodding through the desert. They meet a guy and his girlfriend and race them. The guy dies and they steal his girlfriend.
They end up at a house in the middle of nowhere where an old man in a wheelchair and his two sons live. Somehow they find out these folks have got some money hidden somewhere and they are out to find out where it is.
SPOILER: This is one of those movies where nobody is good and everybody dies. 
 
FREAKS: Shocking '30s film thats cast is made up of real legit sideshow freaks, FREAKS is the tale of small man Hans. He has a crush on c*ck tease  trapeze performer Cleopatra who is involved with the strong man. She finds out that Hans has a hidden fortune and decides she can get her hands on it if she marrys him.
So she marrys Hans and then gets trashed at the after wedding party and makes out with the strong man in front of Hans and all the other freaks. This is when the freaks turn on her and exact revenge.
FREAKS features real Siamese twins, an armless, legless man (Who can light his own cigerettes!), pinheads and such.
*  The clear inspiration for THE RAMONES song Pinhead ("Gabba, Gabba, We accept you, We accept you, One of us!")
 
SLEEPOVER NIGHTMARE: This 2005 straight-to-video slasher flick was actually so bad it was howlingly funny. Even though it was mega-cheesy I have to give it a good review because entertainment-wise it really delivered the goods. Just make sure you view it as a "Comedy", not a serious "Horror". Also make sure you have a bottle of wine or a six pack of beer on hand.
A few years back a guy snapped at a summertime pool party when his date went off to shtoop another fellow in a car. He beat the guy to death by slamming a car door on his head over and over again. Then he jumped in the car with his girlfriend, drove into a bonfire, smashed the car up and she died in the fiery blaze. Since then he's been living in a sanitarium.
They are now moving him to ANOTHER sanitarium. Why? I don't know why. But on the way to his new home the guys driving the wacko wagon get into an accident. They die and he gets free.
Free to find himself in the yard of a bunch of stupid teens having a summertime pool party. What a coinky-dink! Because the stupid teens at the party are getting wasted and having sex we know he's just gotta kill them, right? So he swipes a gardening tool from the Scottish Groundskeeper Willy-like gardner and goes to hack up some horny teens. Our favorite charactor was the oh so gay red-haired guy who walks around watching couples make out and cheering them on. He's always got a beer in his hand, this guy. Sadly, but very humorously, this is how he meets his demise: The Killer rolls up on him, grabs his beer, chugs it and then thrashes the beer can halfway through gay red-haired guy's head. Ahahahaha! Death By Beer Can! Gotta love it!
The remaining teen geniuses start to realize that all the other party guests are starting to turn up dead, get wise and start screaming and running around trying to escape. SLEEPOVER NIGHTMARE gets two thumbs and a beer can way up!
 
SOONER OR LATER: It's the good old '70s and two thirteen year old girls, Jessie and Caroline, are hanging out at the mall. The mall gives free make-overs and Jessie decides to get one. Afterwords, the mall beautician tells her that she could easily pass for sixteen. This, of course, cements Jessie's buying bags and bags of cosmetics.
Outside the mall there is quite a commotion. Rex Smith and his band are performing at the mall just like TIFFANY used to do! So right there in front of GIMBELLS there's Rex Smith in his ball-bustingly tight pants, suspenders and t-shirt singin' and a' shakin' and flirting with Jessie who is in the front row. Jessie's totally blown away.
That night at a sleepover we find out that Caroline has a crush on her dentist and constantly eats candy in the hopes of getting cavities. We also find out that Jessie is a budding musician who is trying to teach herself how to play guitar. Caroline basically tells Jessie that her guitar playing sucks  and so Jessie agrees to go get lessons.
The next day Jessie, sans makeuo and wearing really dorky denim overalls with a duck patch(!), heads to the music school for lessons. And guess who the instructor she gets is? Yup! Rex Smith and his great head of hair!
The next day Jessie paints her face, puts on a sexier outfit and heads to her guitar lesson and sooner than later she's flirting with Rex Smith and he's flirting back. She tells him that she's sixteen and he chooses to believe it. (I guess in the '70s sixteen wasn't considered "jail bait".)
They start hanging out together, jogging in the park together, going to band rehearsals together, etc.
His drummer, who wears the most unflattering belly shirt ever worn by a man, has a slutty girlfriend who has eyes for Rex. She's around to make Jessie feel insecure and to throw sexual temptation Rex's way.
Jessie and Rex share a kiss after band rehearsal and he asks her to go to a movie with him Saturday night. Jessie's parents will be out of town that night. Hot dog! But Jessie is an inexperienced virgin so she's sort of scared to be alone with Rex at home, at the movies, in the car, anywhere.
They go to a drive- in movie (MANDINGO!) and start making out. It's fabulous! Too fabulous! Because now, worried that this front seat tumble is gonna lead to hot sex, Jessie panics and admits everything: That she's only thirteen and lied to him about her age because she wanted him to like her. He quick-like drives Jessie home and drops her on the curb. Jessie hits the ENTENNMANS pretty hard and then crys and mopes around the house. Finally, Mom and Dad (GET SMART's Barbara Feldon and TAXI's Judd Hirsch!) start to realize that she's suffering from heartbreak. Mom tells her that it's okay to have a boyfriend. (Yeah, but what Jessie neglected to tell Mom was that this guy was old enough to vote!)
The next day Jessie goes to her guitar lesson and the old guy who runs the place gives her a lesson, telling her that Rex isn't in today. Five minutes into the lesson  he gets up and leaves the room and sixty seconds later a fabulous pair of suede knee high boots walks into the room. Ummmm, okay: This has got to be either  Rex Smith or Puss In Boots. And it's Rex Smith! Yowza! He tells Jessie that he loves her and that they can have a go at it if they agree to take things slow. (Wait a minute: A GUY is saying that???) She agrees, they kiss, the picture freezes and we are treated to a reprise of the fabuolous REX SMITH song You Take My Breath Away.
How can you NOT love SOONER OR LATER? Isn't this what we all, as teen girls, dreamed about? Foolin' some hot lookin' older God into thinking we were The Cat's Meow? I know I did!
 
FEROCIOUS FEMALE FREEDOM FIGHTERS: Have you ever watched MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 and thought to yourself "The only thing missing is tasteless sex jokes and farting"? If so, then FEROCIOUS FEMALE FREEDOM FIGHTERS (Known by fans as 4-F) is the film for you.
The folklore here is that a guy was watching a really bad Indonesian womens wrestling movie and he started to get bored and heckle the screen. He ran the idea of re-dubbing the movie with funny dialogue past TROMA, they bought the rights to the flick and - Voila! -  A masterpiece of minor proportions was made!
The story is about a female wrestler named Bambi. Bambi would love to get out of the fight biz but is locking horns with her mother who is constantly reminding her that every woman in the family has been a proud "ferocious female freedom fighter" and that now it's Bambi's turn to keep the dream alive.
To make matters worse, Bambi has a ten year old brother with a strange affliction: The vein that should run to the tip of his penis runs to the top of his head and so when he gets overly "excited" he starts to throw up cum and has to be restrained so that his head doesn't explode. (And yet, they STILL let the kid watch the all-female wrestling channel!)
Bambi joins a big championship wrestling match in the hopes of winning the big cash prize so that her brother can get an operation.
All through training Bambi is being followed by The Big Ugly Guys and wooed by an Elvis-like dumbbell named Barney who is smitten with her.
The humor is pretty hit or miss but when it is "hit" it can be very funny and very quotable. I have been throwing around the terms "Swiss sh*t", "tuna melt", "a**-rag" and "eat her" aplenty since watching this flick.
The best scenes are when Bambi and her mother fight over a cup of tea ("I'm going to get a second cup of this sh*t", says Bambi and Mom crys "She never drinks a second cup of my sh*t) and when Bambi gives her perverted little brother a toy car  ("Oh, a plastic car. Can I take it to my room and f*ck it?!")
This movie is best viewed with plenty of beer onhand so drink til you stink. If you think you might enjoy getting trashed and watching women roll around on the floor moaning and groaning (And who wouldn't?!) then 4-F is 4-you!
 
DEEP END: This one takes place in Swinging London in the '70s. The story centers around a 15 year old boy named Mike who has started working as an attendant at a bathhouse. He is being taught the ropes by another bathhouse attendant, an attractive twenty year old redhead sexpot named Susan, who Mike is instantly attracted to. Susan is supposed to assist the female customers and Mike is supposed to assist the male ones. Susan tells Mike that they will make even more tip money if they switch and she handles the men and he handles the women. Mike is nervous because he is a virgin. Susan assures him that he doesn't have to actually DO anything with the female customers, that they just like having a young male around to fantasize about. 
Mike's first female customer is an middle-aged, out-of-shape broad who asks him to help her get undressed for her bath. Halfway through he panics and runs out of the room. After her bath she calls Mike in for assistance and proceeds to pull his hair and scream about soccer until she climaxes(!) Mike decides maybe he doesn't want the female customers anymore.
Mike becomes obsessed with Susan even though they are years apart and she's much more sexually experienced than him. He finds out that not only is Susan engaged to a horse-faced rich guy but she is also having an affair with Mike's older, married Gym teacher. Everybody seems to be getting a piece of the action with Susan but Mike!
The more Mike fantasizes about getting it on with Susan the more he trys to put the kabosh on her dates with her fiance and the Gym teacher by following her around. Soon he's totally obssesed with nailing Susan.
One day while following Susan and her fiance around to nightclubs Mike sees a cardboard cut-out in front of a strip club that looks just like Susan. He steals it. While being chased by the club owners he hides in a back room with an older prostitute and makes small-talk with her. When she says it's time to get down to business Mike can't go through with it and runs out of the room.
He follows Susan onto the subway where he screams and shakes the cut-out at her demanding to know if it's her. Susan storms off. Mike takes the cut-out to the bathhouse pool, dives into the pool naked with it and simulates making love to it(!), the cut-out representing Susan.
One day Mike, knowing that Susan will be taking the Gym teacher's car to rendezvous with the Gym teacher, puts glass all around the Gym teacher's car so that Susan will not be able to make the date. At this point Susan lets Mike know that she is fed-up with his antics and they start to fight and wrestle in the snow. The diamond falls out of her chintzy engagement ring and she and Mike bring bags and bags of snow to the empty pool in the bathhouse to strain it and look for the diamond. While Susan is on the phone with her fiance Mike finds the diamond, takes off his clothes and lies in the bottom of the pool naked with the diamond in his mouth. Susan comes into the room and strips down to "reward" Mike for finding the diamond. Then things go horribly wrong. If you wanna know how it ends you'll have to find a copy and watch for yourself. I can't ruin ALL the surprises for you.
 
ABBY: ABBY is a '70s Blaxpoitation flick in the vein of BLACULA, SCREAM BLACULA SCREAM and I'm a-guessin' BLACK FRANKENTEIN. (I'm "a-guessin'" BLACK FRANKENTSTEIN because I haven't actually seen that one. I know about it cuz Flowbeer keeps sending me pictures of the funny cover art).
ABBY is a about a woman who gets possesed by a demon. She starts growling in a demonic voice, spouting obscenities that would make Redd Foxx blush, throwing up, making objects move and all around tormenting anyone unfortunate enough to come near her.
If you think this sounds a little like THE EXORCIST you're right (In fact, ABBY was supposedly going to be titled THE BLAXORCIST!). ABBY came out hot on the heels of THE EXORCIST and the people behind THE EXORCIST took legal actions to have ABBY pulled from theaters. It never came out on video either. Until now.
Our story begins with us meeting Abby's father-in-law (None other than BLACULA himself William Marshall). He's a minister and a professor and he's about to embark on an archeology dig in Nigeria. But right now he's walking through the park with some of his students. One of them is a homeboy who pronounces the word "thesis" as "feces" (No one corrects him) and "Open The Present Girl" a girl who keeps repeating the line "Open the present!"
In the next scene we meet ABBY (Carol Speed), a wholesome, church-loving minister's wife who voulnteers at church, sings (Poorly) in the church choir, and is starting her career as a marriage counselor.
While moving into her new house (And sterotypically chowing down on fried chicken on the front porch with her mama and husband. Honestly: All that's missing from this scene is the watermelon, the grits and the grape soda!) Abby is somehow affected by the evil spirit of a Nigerian Sex Demon that is unleased from an artifact found by her father-in-law a million miles away. Why does it target Abby? I have no idea.
So from this point on weird stuff starts happening. And so do the laughs (Unintentional laughs, but aren't those the best kind?). The house is always cold. Abby starts getting herself off in the shower. Abby gets locked in the basement where unseen forces pelt her with garbage. She slices her arm up  real good while preparing chicken (Again with the chicken! Black people like chicken. We get it, we get it!) Abby also  throws up on and humps the male parishoners at her church.
Abby's husband is concerned with Abby's strange behavior and her sudden fixation on sex. But not so concerned that he doesn't try to "cash in". He comes to bed all suave and smooth lookin' for love and Abby shoots him down. "I'm not your ho!" she snarls. Then she insults his manhood, kicks him in said manhood and then laughs maniacally ( I laughed too).
When ABBY gets overcome by lust she starts to foam at the mouth, lick her lips suggestively, make groans and grunts that make her sound like The Tasmanian Devil and she starts to resemble a crazed version of Aunt Esther from SANFORD AND SON. With ashy green lipstick.
Aside from being a Blaxpoitation flick and a Horror flick, because Abby is so obssesed with sex ABBY is sort of a Sexploitation flick. But it's hard to get excited watching a woman this ugly pant, groan, cuss, hump and land in the lap of every man in the movie.
Around the time Abby has her first session as a marriage counselor where she offers to teach a married couple "The REAL Facts Of Life", then rips open her dress and pounces on the confused husband ABBY, which had a dull first half hour, starts to get riotously surreal and very funny.
Abby's family decides Abby is sick so they keep her home in bed to rest. Then Abby's mother sends a little, old, white lady from the church over to keep Abby company and Abby makes quick business of the woman: Cursing her out and making her play a game called "Merry go Round". The woman drops dead from a heart attack to Abby's glee. NOW Abby's husband starts to think there REALLY might be something wrong with Abby (Gee, ya' think?!) and puts her in a hospital.
When he goes to visit Abby in the hospital the next day she's sugar and spice and everything nice. Til he leaves. Then Abby goes back to her Jeckyl and Hyde ways. She storms out of the hospital (YOU try to stop her!) and goes home, where she finds her father-in-law, back from his expedition. She starts putting her hands in his lap and he jumps up and starts spouting all that atypical stuff that men of the cloth scream in these flicks: "I command you, Demon, To leave this woman!' and stuff like that. Abby laughs in his face, tosses him around and then storms out into the night looking for sex and sin. And where does she go? Well, where would YOU go if you were looking for sex and sin? that's right: Abby hits a disco!
Abby goes to a "disco" that looks more like a neighborhood bar and has all of fifteen people in it. She runs into a guy she knows from church and has praying mantis sex with him in his car. After that Abby just keeps hittin' neighborhood bars that all have fifteen customers and all play music from the HEY SOUL CLASSICS album (Borrow my copy of HEY SOUL CLASSICS? No, my brother.You have to buy your own!). She keeps pickin' up guys, screwing 'em and killing 'em. But, Hey: At least they die happy!
Soon her husband and father-in-law have found her and this is when ABBY gives us what no other Horror movie has ever given us: An Exorcism In A Disco Scene!
Blacula trys to coax the demon out of Abby and Abby proceeds to speak Hindi, Greek and whatever the Hell language it is that Mushmouth speaks in the FAT ALBERT cartoons. She sends bar patrons flying and booms "You ugly motherf*ckers! I'll see you in Hell!"
Will Abby be saved? Will she REALLY be seeing them in Hell? Are they really "ugly motherf*ckers"? You will have to find your own copy of ABBY and watch for yourself (Borrow mine? No, my brother, you have to buy your own!)
 
THE ATTIC: Okay, the storyline here is pretty interesting: Louise is a lonely librarian who is developing a bit of a drinking problem, which is about to get her fired. But if anyone has GOOD reason to be sneakin' hooch it's Louise. Nineteen years ago she was left at the altar by her true love who she hasn't heard from since. She calls Missing Persons on a regular basis and they are at a point where they don't think Louise's Long Lost Love ever existed anywhere but in her mind.
 
She lives with her evil, nasty, cantankerous, belittling father (He's quite the a**hole!) who is wheelchair bound due to an accident he had trying to escape a burning building Louise set  afire during one of her "crazies" episodes. Since then Louise has had to wait on him hand and foot. She bathes him, feeds him and fatasizes about killing him (Some of her ideas about how to kill him are pretty funny). Being burdened by the old b*stard has made Louise's life a real downer and she's even been known to slit a wrist or two (Which her father is quick to say is just something she does to try to get attention).
 
Louise makes friends with a new, younger girl at the library and this brings some joy into Louise's miserable life.Her father can't stand to see Louise going out and rolls after her demanding "Where are you going?" (To which Louise bellows "To Get Laid!"), he listens in on her phone calls and when Louise brings home a pet monket (Yes- I said "pet monkey"!) he REALLY goes over the edge.
 
Around the time Louise brings home Dickie The Monkey the twists start hitting. Are they fast and furious? No, the movie moves quite slowly which is unfortunate because all-in-all there are a lot of interesting ideas and cool plot twists here. Most of the mind-f*ck action takes place in the last twenty minutes of the movie. Still worth a watch though.
 
TROLL: TROLL is entertaining in a so-bad-it's-good I-Can't-Believe-What-I'm-Seeing sort of a way. What can you really say about an '80s movie that boasts both Sonny Bono and Julia "Elaine From SEINFELD" Louis Dreyfuss? The casting here is so strange that it reels the mind. SonnySONNY & CHER Bono! Julia SEINFELD Louis Dreyfuss (Wearing a parachute jumpsuit, by the way) Noah NEVERENDING STORY Hathaway! Shelly CHARLIE'S ANGELS Hack! June LASSIE Lockhart! That guy who played Andy Travis on WKRP IN CINCINATTI (I think his name is Gary Sandy)!
 
This movie has a boy named Harry Potter (!) who has to rescue his cute little sister who suddenly has taken to growling and biting people after discovering a Land O' Trolls in the basement of their apartment building!
 
This movie has June Lockhart, who has both a singing pet mushroom(!)  and the ability to morph into a blonde, buxom She-Babe!
 
This movie has a friendly little dwarf man!
 
This movie has trolls and an array of other woodland creatures!
 
Sony Bono as a sex maniac who gets turned  into a shrub!
 
Julia Louis Dreyfus giggling next-to-naked (Give or take a few fig leaves)!
 
This movie has all this and more!  What a palette! So grab the kids and a big ol' jug of wine and enjoy the mind-boggling madness!
 
I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE aka DAY OF THE WOMAN: Female writer goes to country retreat for peace and solitude so she can work on her novel. She runs afoul some no-good scumbag hillbillies (Even though she is in Connecticut the guys she runs into are totally of the backwoods DELIVERANCE variety). The guys give her the once-over when they see her at the filling station gassing up her car. When she leaves they have a deep and meaningful conversation about "broads" and pass around bon mots like "Do beautiful women ever take a sh*t?" Charming.
 
Now one of these trashy yokels is a mentally slow guy who works as a delivery boy for the town's one grocery store. He gets to go to the cabin and bring Jennifer (that's the woman's name) her groceries and supplys. Jennifer is polite enough to the guy and makes small talk with him thinking he's a nice retarded boy. Once he's back in town he's squealing along with the rest of the pigs, telling them that he got to hang out alone with her at the cabin and that he totally caught a glimpse of titty!
 
The guys decide they are gonna ride by the cabin in their speedboat to see if Miss Thing is looking for love.
 
So Jennifer is relaxing and becoming one with nature and all (She likes to do stuff like skinnydip and loll in a hammock in her bikini) when the guys come rowdily tearing through in their boat. She looks annoyed but sort of shrugs the whole thing off. The guys see Jennifer's disdain and give up. Or do they?
 
Later on Jennifer is having a nice mellow float in her canoe when who should come roaring back into the picture but the slack-jawed yokels. They yip and hoot and make a big old ballyhoo and then they attach Jennifer's canoe to their boat and drag her around. Then they pull over and carry her into the woods. They strip her down (And lemme just take a minute to say Damn, that woman has got to have the biggest bush I have ever seen in a movie! And I've watched '70s porn!) and each take turns raping her (Lots of people state that this simply MUST be the longest rape scene ever committed to film. It certainly is one of the most gruesome and nasty). When Jennifer crawls back to the cabin to call the cops the guys show up and rape her some more. At the end of it all the guys go to leave the cabin but then send in the simple-mided  guy of the group to go back in and "finish her off". He can't bare to kill her so he dips his knife in her blood and lies and tells the guy's he killed her even though he didn't.
 
The girl dwells on her rape for awhile but then finally decides to get revenge. She kills the guys one by one in very sick and memorable ways (You will not soon forget the bathtub scene!).
 
I saw this on VHS as a teenager and have never forgot it. I was shocked to see that not only did it get the DVD treatment, but that the DVD comes with commentary track by one of my personal heros Joe Bob Briggs! Sweet! My recommendation? Watch it twice: Once without the Briggs commentary and once with it. 
 
HELLGATE: Give The People What They Want - Nude Horseshack!
 
I really have to ask myself what I expected from a movie that has WELCOME BACK KOTTER's Horseshack (Ron Pallilo) as it's male lead and sex symbol. Not much! And that's exactly what I got :Not much!
 
HELLGATE came on a double-bill DVD set with the howlingly funny THE PIT and so one day when I had nothing to do (Shocking, right?) I decided to put that puppy on and see if it was any good. Less than five minutes into HELLGATE I realized that I had seen it sixteen years ago with Karl! How did I know?! You don't forget acting this bad! The two girls who are telling eachother ghost stories in the beginning of HELLGATE are so wooden that they are practically cigar store Indians! The guy they're with is not much better (He tells the wooden gals a ghost story that is supposedly quite filthy. I have no idea though cuz I couldn't understand a damn thing he said! And I rewinded, watched the scene again and STILL could not decipher what the f*ck Mushmouth was saying.
 
So these "kids" (All in their 30s) are sitting around telling tales of terror and one chick tells the Legend Of Hellgate, which is the next town over, I guess. In a flashback we see a bunch of no-good-nik bikers (About as threatening looking as the ones on HAPPY DAYS) who terrorize the Hellgate malt shop and kidnap the mayor's daughter Josie. They drive off with her and take her to a secluded area where they rip her skirt off and Josie runs around in a small top, black underwear, bobby sox and sneakers, looking like she should be doing an '80s aerobics video. (I think they hired Abigail Wolcott- who never made a movie before HELLGATE and never made a movie AFTER HELLGATE-  to play Josie because she had nice legs. She even "strikes poses" while she's being carried off and raped! It's quite distracting) Josie screams for her Daddy and surprisingly Daddy - who is a dead ringer for Gomez Addams -comes to recue her by throwing sharp weapons at the bikers. When he kills one biker on a motercycle it causes the motercycle to careen out of control and drive over Josie. D'oh! So now Josie is dead and her Dad is upset. And pissed off.
 
The next scene we have this explorer guy in a cave mining and he comes across this mysterious crystal that shoots blue rays that can re-animate dead things. He finds this out by aiming it at a dead bat that is so phony looking that you can actually see the string it is dangling on! He takes this crystal to Josie's father and demonstrates it's amazing bringing-back-the-dead powers by reviving a really fake looking fish and a really fake looking turtle .
 
I want to take a moment to point out two things here:
 
1. The box for the HELLGATE video proudly declares that the "special effects" in this movie were done by "the masters behind HELLRAISER and HELLBOUND" - movies that, unlike this, were good and featured good speial effects and
 
2. That the scene in which the dead turtle spings to life and reveals it's muderous mutant side is very, very funny!
 
Josie's Papa goes to Josie's grave that has a monument of Josie  (That -like Josie- has ludicrous breast implants) and thinks about Josie (He has a big black and white poster of '50s Josie with big, teased  '80s hair that looks like a 1985 GUESS ad and he has visions of a Totally '80s Josie in a Farmer's Daughter top sexily running to him in BAYWATCH slow-mo) and then he uses the crystal to reserrect her so she can lure innocent men off the side of the road with the promise of hot stranger sex so she can bring them to Daddy's ghost town so he can kill them. Why he wants to do this, I have no idea, but do he does and soon Josie is back to life and looking like an extra from a WHITESNAKE video.
 
Now just when you've just about forgotten that Horseshack is supposed to be in this movie we see his charactor Matt driving along in his car. He stops at the old malt shop where he meets a funky and flirty sassy black waitress that asks him if he "likes it black and hot" and then tells him she's talking about coffee. ( Every woman in this movie but one acts like Horshack is a Sexy Beast! They act like he's The Last Ham Sandwich In Hungry-Town! Why? I don't know, but one scene implys he gives such good oral that he makes womens eyes cross!) He then puts gas in the car and this is when he spys Sexy Josie and asks her if she needs a lift. She gets in his car and tells him to bring her to Hellgate. Once there she seduces him (And lemme tell ya- the sex scene is hilarious with over the top music and just -well, lemme say this: Horseshack has quite a few sex scenes in this flick and they are everywhere on the map from really bad to very funny. And-yes- we get Totally Nude Horseshack, shot lovingly from every possible angle. Thankfully, we never see his "dangly bits". And no, he doesn't make that WELCOME BACK KOTTER "Oooh oooh! Oooh Oooh!" noise. He is sort of short though and so when he's lying in bed with long legged Josie he looks so small beside her that he almost looks like a doll! The Totally Naked Horseshack Doll! I totally gotta have one!) ) and someone walks in on the action and Horseshack heads outta there.
 
Now for reasons totally unclear to me (And I was stone cold sober, believe it or not) Horseshack seems to think that this poor girl is in trouble so he races back to where his friends and girlfriend are and tells them that they ALL have to go back to Hellgate and save this pretty young thing. (His girlfriend is thrilled).
 
Will Matt stay with his Plain Jane girlfriend? Will he go off with Living Dead Girl Josie? Or will the ghost town zombies and John Astin's evil doppelganger kill him?
 
HELLGATE is a terrible terrible film. Terrible all the way around with bad acting, bad script, terrible special effects, etc. HOWEVER...there was something so funny about the whole thing that it kept me watching and, dare I say, even ENJOYING it. I don't doubt I will watch it again one day (Probably with the aid of booze this time) just so I can see Josie striking odd VOGUE-like poses, a dead turtle violently biting off someone's face and Horseshack in the raw. Comic gold, all three!
 
My recommendation? Watch this and THE PIT in the same night with plenty of booze and funny, heckling friends onhand.I LIKED HELLGATE sober and alone but I'm pretty sure that if I had watched it with a HEINEKEN Keg Can and Karl I would have totally LOVED it!
 
THE LONELY LADY: When I was a teenager I ended up sick and bed-ridden one week and  I read this trashy Harold Robbins novel I found in my Mom's room called THE LONELY LADY. I was at that age where if I was gonna read something it was going to be in the vein of VALLEY OF THE DOLLS (You know: Those books where the heroine(s) dabble in sex, drugs and other shocking, shameful stuff.) I seem to remember the book being pretty tawdry and amusing. So a few years later when I saw the box for the movie in the video store I went "Well awwwright!"
 
I must admit seeing Pia Zadora on the box made me wary but I rented it anyway.  When I started watching it I was sort of sulked down in my chair wallowing in self-embaressment. My boyfriend at the time walked into the room and asked me what I was watching and I said "Some sucky movie". But then the Ray Liotta (!) garden hose scene came on and the film totally went from being a crappy serious film to an unintentionally funny Cult Classic.
 
Our story starts at an awards ceremony that we are supposed to assume is something like The Oscars. Pia is at the cermony alone, which we will later find out is because she hates the whole freakin' world and everybody in it for the shabby way they have treated her. Yes, Little Pia's life was a sh*t sandwich and every day she took another bite.
 
We flashback to the beginning of Pia's story and we see her as a schoolgirl winning a prize in highschool for writing. It seems that while other teens are interested in hot roddin' and drinkin' and druggin' and fornicating and such Pia's only goal is to become the best damn writer in the world.
 
She goes to a party some "bad" teenagers are at and finds that the Pops of one of these kids is some high-falutin' writer named Roger Thorton. At the party Ray Liotta(!) grabs Pia, throws her in the pool and then RAPES HER WITH A GARDEN HOSE. Shocking. Shocking, I say!
 
The old writer dude who owns the house comes and breaks things up and somehow this leads to him and Pia having a romance even though she's so young she barely has hair on her cookie and he's so old he probably farts dust.
 
Soon the old coot and jailbait Pia are wed (Wouldn't this make her the step-mother of one of the hooligans who partaked in the hose rape shenanigans ? Like ewwww!)
 
All is wonderful as Pia is now married to this great Big Cheese writer dude she so admires. Or so it would seem- until we find out when Pia lies down with him that the guy is desperatly in need of those little blue pills men take to get boners- and those won't be invented for another twenty-something years.
 
So Pia lives this chaste life married to Geezer and one day when she's on the set of a movie he wrote the script for and  the script calls for a re-write and Pia decides it's her time to shine and works on the re-write and totally saves the movie from being a bomb (Too bad she couldn't do that for this one!) and she becomes this much applauded screenwriter.
 
Pia's relationship with her geriatric hubby is strained (A hilarious scene has the old, flacid b*stard shaking a hose at Pia and taunting "Is THIS more your kick?!") and soon they break up. Pia is doing okay though writing books and screenplays and the plots for MENTOS commercials and such.
 
But the proverbial "climb up the ladder" is not an easy one and soon Pia finds herself sleeping with a whole bunch of people:Some voluntarily, some forced. Some men, some women. Some hot, some dang icky. Soon it seems no one is really interested in Pia's writing. They're only  interested in her C.U.Next.Tuesday.
 
This leads to Pia's breakdown and it's really bizarre and funny as we see Pia, who looks totally tore up from the floor up, take a shower with her clothes on and have hallucinations where she sees faces on the keys of her typewriter razzing her! (And, no, I am not making that up. That joke I made about MENTOS commercials was made up, but not this!)
 
At the end of the flick Pia finally wins The Big Coveted Award and when she goes up to the podium we see her make her speech, where she snarls "I suppose I'm not the first person whose had to f*ck her way up to the top". (And this movie came at a time when people didn't throw around "The F Word". If this movie was made today it wouldn't be shocking to hear Pia use "The F Word". Nowadays EVERYBODY uses it. It's like  "Hi, Welcome to STARBUCKS, Can I take your f*cking order?")
 
Pia storms off the stage angrily - alone -  and, preferring to be alone rather than in poor company, a Lonely Lady.
 
Now, whether this movie is good or bad depends on your sense of humor and how warped it is. It is worth viewing if you're a fan of truly bad cinema that leans on the tacky, tasteless side. Drugs and booze will greatly enhance the viewing ing experience (Although I was sober as the Pope when I watched this and it still sort of tickled my fancy) so I suggest getting a few funny friends over, loading up on booze or some other vices and having a triple bill of THE LONELY LADY, VALLEY OF THE DOLLS and FASTER PUSSYCAT KILL KILL!
 
CATS EYE: This is a trilogy of Stephen King stories. I bought the DVD for the last story where Drew Barrymore gets tormented in her bedroom by a troll (No, not Tom Green).
 
The first story is about James Woods trying to quit smoking (Right off the bat I wanna say something about James Woods: Are those Sean Young stories true??? My father told me that Sean Young super-glued James Woods's penis to his leg and he had to go to an emergency room to have it removed. Like OUCH!!!! Now whenever I see him in a movie, despite what a good actor he is, all I can think about is that super glue thing. I swear if I ever have a talk show and he comes on I am totally going to ask him about it, which is probably NOT a good move because I've heard he has a bit of a temper and he'd probably totally go off on me. Oh well. I am still gonna do it. I'm gonna say "Nice to meet you, James Woods. I loved you in ONCE UPON A TIME IN AMERICA. Super glue penis story - True?") Well, anyway, James Woods joins a support group to try to quit smoking and the group has spies follow him around to see if he smokes or not. If he DOES they will put his wife in a shock box and give her electric volts to the tune of 96 Tears. If they catch him smoking twice they'll put his daughter in the box and shock her. A third time they will rape his wife. And after that, well, THEN they're gonna get nasty!
 
The second story is about the guy from AIRPLANE humping some old, rich guy's wife. Old rich guy KNOWS about it and is none too pleased so he has his goons grab the guy and bring him up to his hotel suite. He makes a wager with the guy that if he can walk all the way around the hotel on the little ledge outside the window l (They are many, many stories up) he will let the guy "have" the wife. If he doesn't make it, well, he'll splat to his death and if he refuses to do it the old, rich guy is gonna shoot him. So he does it and the whole time pigeons are landing on him and pecking him and the old, rich guy is throwing obstacles his way (A hose shooting a powerful spray of water, a loud horn honking in his ear). (Around here my daughter asked me WHY the wife of the old, rich guy was sleeping with the other guy if she was married. Ahhh, the naivete of youth! I pointed out the obvious to her: The poor guy may have been poor but he was young and had the boyish good looks of  Robert Hays and the rich guy was old, fat and looked and acted sort of Rip Taylor-ish!)
 
The third story is about little Drew Barrymore (Really young! Don't even think she had started drinkin' yet!)  finding a stray cat (The cat, by the way, has been in all three stories and even is in the very beginning of the movie where the credits roll where he sees a vision of young Drew's superimposed face over a store mannequin in WEE WORLD beckoning him to come help her) . She asks her folks if she can keep the cat. Dad is game but Mom is reluctant, believing an old wives tale about cats "stealing kids breath". Mom finally agrees to let Drew keep the cat but it can't sleep in the house.
 
Now what Mom and Dad don't know yet is there is this evil, menacing, butt-ugly troll living in the wall of Drew's room and at night HE comes out and steals Drew's breath (That b*stard!)
 
So Drew keeps sneaking the cat, which she has named General, into her room and so whenever the troll comes out in the middle of the night and does something despicable the mother assumes the cat did it and soon this puts the cat in the doghouse (Or "cathouse" I guess, although I think "cathouse" is a slang word for a brothel and somehow I don't think people mind so much being "in the cathouse" as they do being "in the doghouse". Am I right, Fellas?)
 
The end of this movie is really good as the cat and the troll finally have a Good Vs. Evil showdown. (Even though this movie was made in the early '80s the special effects just pass muster, meaning the troll is just believable enough and he isn't cheesy looking. He really is sort of creepy- even now, watching this as a 30-something year old.) The Troll Smackdown is both scary and funny so how can you lose?
 
* CATS EYE is a good pick for a Family Halloween Movie. If you have young kids and you sort of want to break them into watching Horror movies this is a good one to start with. It's not too scary and the cat and troll story is sure to hold their attention Of course, they might start to have sleepless nights wondering if they have trolls in their room, but that's your problem, not mine.
 
CREEPSHOW: When I was a teenager my friends Mitch and Keith called me up one day and told me their parents weren't home, they knew how to get into the liquor cabinet and they had a copy of CREEPSHOW. Add to this allure that my friend Audrey was totally smitten with Mitch (Cute AND charming!) we had no choice but to go over there and make an afternoon out of it.
 
Now that I'm an adult I can tell you that teenagers are immature jerks who want instant gratification because I remember standing in Mitch and Keith's living room watching CREEPSHOW and going "Not scary. Not scary. Not scary. And - oh yeah - NOT SCARY". (I spent the rest of the day lying on Mitch's bed listening to Wish You Were Here, making him fetch me more Jungle Juice.
 
Now that I'm older I realize that not all movies have to be sh*t-your-pants-scary to be enjoyable and that maybe CREEPSHOW was a little - dare I say - "deeper" in exploring every day fears and the black side of humanity? Well, I think so! Now that I'm older I don't need to have a head on a pike to be entertained. And so CREEPSHOW has become a movie I watch anually. I enjoy it like I enjoy a nice bottle of wine, a good book, or a kick-a** PINK FLOYD album.
 
Our first story is about this old guy who is one nasty sonofab*tch. He is being taken care of by Bedelia, who looks like she's about to crack - and you would too if you had to take care of this pain in the a**.
 
It's Fathers Day and he keeps screaming for his cake. Finally Bedelia can take no more and she bludgeons the old f*ck.
 
Now fast foward and the whole family is gathered at the house  (Where were all these jerks when poor Bedelia had to take care of that beast?!) and Bedelia is shown staggering up to the gravestone, hooch in hand and she gives this big heartfelt speech about how she sacraficed everything to take care of the old buzzard and with that he rises out of his grave demanding "My cake! My cake!!!! Where is my cake???!!!" (If nothing else CREEPSHOW gave us some really viable catchphrases. Every birthday I get drunk and demand to know where "My cake" is!)
 
So he goes up to the house - where, believe it or not, Ed friggin' Harris is dancing like only a white guy can! (You ain't lived til you seen Ed Harris shakin' his tailfeather!) Pops breaks in and kills everybody and ruins their good time, forever screaming that immortal line "WHERE IS MY CAKE???!!!"
 
Next story - I'm not too wild about this one - but it stars Stephen King, so I guess that in itself has some merit. King is Jordy, this simpleton country dude who has a meteor crash in his backyard. He's thrilled, thinking that this meteor will somehow bring him fame and fortune. So little by little the meteor causes this algae grass to cover everything - including Jordy.
 
The next one I love (Cuz I'm evil and I have a sick sense of humor- Deal with it)!  Ted Danson is bopping some rich old guy's wife (Guess he never saw CAT'S EYE, or he would know that all those weatlthy, old guys are mean, sadistic pricks, which is a shame because I've been thinking a lot about Abe Vigoda lately and how badly I wanna tap that a**) and the rich guy (NAKED GUN's Leslie Nielson!) finds out about it and plots his Devious Revenge ( In Stephen King's world nobody ever finds out someone is sleeping with their wife and just shoots the guy. Oh no: There is always some huge, convoluted cat-and-mouse revenge plot). So this guy brings his cheating wife and Ted Danson to the beach and burries them up to their necks in sand and then - like a Bond villain - he explains HOW they are going to die and then - having total faith that this plan will go off without a hitch and not wanting to stick around and watch to make sure it DOES for some reason, the guy goes "Mwahahaha!" and walks away leaving Ted Danson and wifey buried in the sand with the tide coming in screaming their cheating f*ckin' heads off. He goes home and - Oh, did I mention he has surveilance equipment hooked up so he can WATCH Danson and wife at the beach from the comfort of his own beach house? Well, yeah, that's what he does. And just like that nasty f*ck in CAT'S EYE the tables get turned on his mean, withered, old, plot-hatchin' a**!
 
Next up we have Adrienne Barbeau (Who I had never really understood the appeal of until I saw this. I think her whole blessing was that she had a nice rack before women could just go get breast implants put in on their lunch hour). Adrienne usually played sex symbols or Bea Arthur's daughter but I think her talents were wasted there because in CREEPSHOW she shines as a surly, nasty, toxic, ball- crushing lush wife who embaresses her husband at every turn. Hubby is a scientist, by the way and he has this mysterious crate given to him and apparently there is a beast in it and so he plans to feed his shrew wife to it! (My only qualm here is that the monster is really cheesy looking and so not scary. In fact, Adrienne Barbeau is MUCH scarier than the monster and would most probably kick it's a**!
 
The final story is about Icky Roach Man and it is just flat-out disgusting! There's this rich old guy (And we know how THEY are, right, Kids?) and he lives in this spic and span apartment and he's a germ phobe. He sees this roach in his apartment and he totally starts freaking out! Well, what he soon finds out is that the roach has an army of friends and they are all gonna infest the apartment and HIM! (And some people who are intelligent, deep-thinker types have analyzed  this segment to be an allegory about The White Man being racist  with the cockroaches symbolizing the minority types he doesn't want to see taking over his world. I don't know about that, all I thought of when I saw this was "Man, that's gross!" Cuz I can deal with all that FRIDAY THE 13TH blood and guts stuff but cockroaches????Dude, that's just tooo disgussssting!!!
 
CREEPSHOW 2: This ones not as good as the first CREEPSHOW - and they sort of skimp on the deal cuz intead of giving us four stories like they did in the first CREEPSHOW they give us three! WTF?!
 
The first story is kind of boring (Although the last time I watched it with Karl he really did get wrapped up in the story and when I rolled my eyes he was all like "F*ck you, it's INTERESTING!" He was kinda drunk though so I think at that point he would have found THE THREE STOOGES totally compelling and thought-provoking). It's about this teenage  Indian thug (I mean the Native American 'Hey-yah ,Hoe- yah"  type of Indian, not the 7-11 "Thank You, Come Again" type of Indian) and he goes around causing trouble and he robs the old white shop keep's store and the old white shop keep tells him that he should be ashamed of himself cuz he is a disgrace to his high and mighty Native American ancestors and the guy is like "F*ck you, old man!" and he robs the place and shoots the old man's wife.
 
So there is this old wooden Indian statue in front of the store that is called Old Chief Woodenhead and it comes to life and goes after the bad Indian kid and his gang of no-good-nik friends. Snoooore.
 
The we have The Good One! THE RAFT! There is this bunch of horny, pot-smoking teenagers (And we know THAT always spells trouble, right?) and they are partying at this lake. And there's this jetty thing in the middle of the lake and they get this Bright Idea that "Wouldn't it be a hoot to swim out to that jetty thing and smoke a joint on it?"  (Uhhhh, no, cuz then your pot and matches would get wet. Like duh! ) and so they swim out there and they're all "Wheee! Aren't we having FUN on this floating box top that we all barely fit on!" and soon they look in the water and they see this sludge that looks sort of like a cross between a puddle of crude oil and a bunch of wet GLADD trash bags  (And also sort of reminds me of that stuff you used to buy as a kid that comes in a small tube and you use a little red straw to blow up these toxic bubbles that smell like Holy Hell) and they're like "Ewwww...What IS that?" and one of them is like "Well, I'm getting off this thing and going back ashore" and they jump in the water and the oozy slimy thing eats them! 
 
So now it's like Ten Little Indians as these people are all on this little wooden platform and we wonder whose gonna get devoured next.
 
A highlight is when there is one guy and one girl left on the thing and she falls asleep and he -proving that all guys are total pigs - starts to try to feel her sleeping body up and get down with molesting her just lightly enough that she won't wake up. Which one will get off the raft thing and make it back alive - if any of them? Burp.
 
And then we have the tale of a woman who is cheating on her husband and as she's leaving her gigilo lover's place in haste she plows her car over this guy whose on the side of the road hitch-hiking. She's in a rush so she's like "Mmmm....well, maybe I killed him and maybe I didn't...and even if I DID, who the Hell has time for it now?" and she proceeds to drive off and wherever she goes he keeps popping up like a bad penny going 'Thanks for the ride, Lady!" (Another great CREEPSHOW catch-phrase, by the way*)
 
* When I was a teenager and I hadn't seen this movie yet  one night I had this older guy friend offer to give me a lift home and when I got out of his car I said "Thanks for the ride" and he totally started bugging out, telling me NOT to say that cuz it reminded him of this movie and totally creeped him out. So yeah - A grown man afraid of CREEPSHOW 2. Whatever. Boogedy Boogedy!
 
TRILOGY OF TERROR: This is one of those movies that  people remember seeing during  their childhood but can't remember the name of.
 
 (The other 8 Big Ones Are:
 
DON'T BE AFRAID OF THE DARK,
THE HUGGA-BUNCH MOVIE,
WATCHER IN THE WOODS
FORTRESS,
THE QUEST,
THE PEANUT BUTTER SOLUTION and
BREAKING ALL THE RULES).
 
This one stars Karen Black in three stories (and four rolls!) of "Horror". Mwahahaha! Actually, the third story is the only really scary one so you might wanna fast-foward to the last segment. Or don't!
 
This was a TV movie (from the '70s when TV movies were kick ass cool!) so maybe that explains why the stories 1 and 2 are a little hum-drum. (I can imagine seeing this on TV as a kid in the '70s and maybe being a little "shocked" by 'em. But as an adult renting this from NETFLIX, not so much).
 
The first story has Karen as a sexually-repressed wallflower school marm, dressed conservatively with her hair up in a bun and wearing huge Harvey Klinger eyeglasses. She teaches at a local college. We meet one of her male students and we learn through hearing him talk to a friend that he's a photographer and also quite the cocksman (you know - like a swordsman , only he uses his cock as a weapon? Meaning he's a Big Time Lover Man?) Yeah, he could have his pick of any of the women at school...and he already pretty much HAS. Now he's just bored and starting to wonder what Professor Karen Black looks like nekkid with her bun let loose and her glasses off.
He invites her to a movie they both want to see. She's not supposed to date students but somehow he talks her into going to a movie (at the Drive-In!) with him. At the Drive-In he slips a roofie into her rootbeer, she passes out, he takes her to a no-tell motel and takes nudie pics of her and rapes her.Then he drives her home and she wakes up and he acts all "Hmmmm...you musta been REALLY tired, you fell asleep at the movies, Its 3 AM. Maybe you should go home now. Bye!"
He asks her out the next day and when she says "No, you KNOW I'm not allowed to date students" he says "Come meet me" and when she does he shows her the scandalous pictures he took of her and he threatens to show everybody if she doesn't agree to be his Secret Love Slave. And that's all I can say about THAT without ruining the "Big Twist" ending, that's really not that big or shocking, but you know - is okay for a TV movie from the '70s.
 
Next up we have two totally different twin sisters, both played by Karen Black. First up we meet Sexually Repressed Spinster Sister who is Karen Black with absolutely NO make-up, a bun in her hair, and huge COKE bottle glasses. She's in a panic because her father just died and left her to live alone with her Evil Twin Sister whose name I forget so I will call her Hot Pants Sally. It seems Hot Pants Sally was a no-good slut who was having an affair with HER OWN FATHER!  This caused Mom to drop dead from grief a few years back. Now that Dad's dead too Hot Pants Sally lives with her Frigid Virginal Sis and is up to her Old Tricks: drinking and drugging and having wonton sex and partaking in S& M and Torture For Fun and - oh yeah - practicing Satanism!  And Voodoo!
 
A doctor (PUNKY BREWSTER's "Father"!) comes to the house to check up on the sisters and this is when we meet Hot Pants Sally, Karen Black in a huge Country Western singer blonde wig, and a sexy outfit and huge platform shoes. She trys to seduce the doc, but he aint having it. Soon after we see the Frigid Sister deciding that the Twisted Sister has to go and that's all I can say about that without spoiling a "twist" you should be able to see from a mile away.
 
Okay, now we're cooking with gas! The Zuni Fetish Doll! Karen Black plays Amelia, a girl whose just left home and sub-letted an apartment for a few months to see how she likes living alone. Her mother is a constant pain in the ass, calling and begging her to come visit and trying to talk her into coming back to the nest. She is supposed to get together with her mother on Friday nights. Well, THIS Friday night is the birthday of this new fella Amelia has been dating so she tells Mom she cant make it for a visit tonight and Mom has a hairy canary. Ameleia has bought this "cute" (it's hideous...really!!!!) little Zuni Fetish Doll for her new man. It's The Hunter and it's cute little nick-name is He Who Kills (And how!)  He comes with a little scroll that says that there is the spirit of a REAL Zuni hunter inside of him and if the little chain around his waist breaks the spirit will be set free to raise murderous mayhem.
 
So....GUESS WHAT HAPPENS! Yup. Ooopsy. Amelia breaks the chain! She doesn't think much of it, goes to take a bubble bath and when she gets outta the tub ...she cant find the doll ANYWHERE! Where did that little dickens go?! I don't think I have to tell you he is ALIVE and looking for BLOOD, now do I? 
 
He chases her around the apartment going "Weeehahayayayaya"! (the noises this thing makes are absolutely PRICELESS. He sounds like an evil version of "Donny" from THE WILD THORNBERRIES), trying to stab Amelia. Karen Black pulls a tour-de-force as she fights with the evil little doll. It really has to be seen to be believed.
 
So what are you waiting for? Go rent this NOW!
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
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