Movies: Horror

Be Afraid! Be Very Afraid!

Horror's #1 Bad Boy Freddy (Robert Englund)

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CANDYMAN: '80s beauty Virginia Madsen stars in this '90s Horror flick as Helen, a pretty young wife doing a college thesis on Urban Legends. She's trying to find out if the Legend Of Candyman is true. His legend is if you say his name five times while looking in a mirror he will appear and kill you.
Apparently someone claims to have some proof of Candyman murders at a projects building in Cabrini Green. Helen and her best friend Bernadette go there to snoop around and take pictures. While there they see a mirror and Helen looks into it and says "Candyman" five times, unwittingly freeing him to kill, steal a baby and so forth.
He's a bad mamma-jamma with a hook hand,a chest full of bees and a lust guessed it...Helen!
CARRIE: Okay, so we all go through that difficult awkward phase in high school. But Carrie White's problems go beyond being a little "gorky". She's a full-bown telekinetic freak! Boys shun her, girls throw feminine hygiene products at her and her mother is a bible-thumping spaz who calls breasts "Dirty pillows".
Her lucky day comes when William Katt,owner of the unruliest perm on a white man, asks her to be his date for the prom. He is forced into this good deed by his girlfriend, Amy Irving, who will withhold the goods if he doesn't.
The Prom From Hell ensues.
The pinnacle of Sissy Spacek's career and a rare turn as a bad-a** meanie from John Travolta!
THE SHINING: Maybe it's a little long in places ("White man's burden, Lloyd. White man's burden") but when the shockers come they're worth the wait!
Jack Nicholson deserved an Oscar: He plays a poorly recovering alcoholic/ writer's-block plagued novelist/ Angry Dad who gets a job watching over an abandoned, and naturally haunted, hotel. When he snaps....and boy, does he ever...he starts trying to kill his son Danny and his wife Wendy (Although after about a half hour of meeting Wendy you also may find yourself wanting to take a whack at her!)
There are a lot of famous visuals that go along with this flick, including the Two Little Girls: "Come and play with us Danny. Foreva'....and eva'....and eva"
* I have never been able to fully enjoy myself in hotel lobbys since seeing THE SHINING. I keep on waiting to see elevator doors open revealing tides of blood or, at the very least, those freaky little girls standing in the hallway.
EVIL DEAD: Totally disgusting and unnerving.
Horror honey Bruce Cambell plays Ash. Ash and a few friends go to an evil little cabin in the evil woods.They find a strange book made out of skin and an audio tape and a tape player. This stuff was left behind by a Professor who lived in the cabin. When they play the tape (Fools!) it has incantations from the Necronomicon, The Book Of The Dead. By playing this tape they unleash evil forces in the woods. Soon people are turning into zombies and the only way to get rid of zombies is to totally dismember them and then bury 'em.
Probably the first flick to ever feature tree rape.
Dang scary!
EVIL DEAD 2: DEAD BY DAWN: The movie starts off sort of re-capping Part One. Instead of Ash and a group of friends going to hang out in a cabin this time it's Ash and his girlfriend having a romantic rendezvous in the cabin. She turns into a zombie and he has to hack her to pieces and bury her. He hides out in the cabin and soon objects in the cabin, even his own hand(!), start turning on him.  He just about falls to pieces.
As the movie goes on more and more stupid folk end up in the cabin and get turned into zombies. When will they ever learn?! 
Dang scary!
ARMY OF DARKNESS: This is the third installment of EVIL DEAD. It's a little more joke-y than Parts One and Two but still worth a look.
Bruce Campbell is da man! If he keeps makin' 'em I'll keep watchin' 'em!
This time he gets sucked back in time to Medieval Times and has to whoop a** to get back to modern day K-MART.
NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET: Nancy and her friends (One of which is Johnny Depp. Row!) are all having the same nightmares about a burnt up, scary freak with razorblade fingers who is trying to kill them, Freddy Krueger.
After a few friends are offed Nancy's mother fesses up that Freddy was the town pedophile and child killer and that one day the angry villagers of Elm Street found him in his hideout and torched him. Now it seems Freddy is taking out his revenge on those people's offspring. Nancy (And Johnny!) decide they are going to pull Freddy out of one of Nancy's dreams so they can destroy him. At the end Freddy's dead and all is well. Or is it? Of course not: There's still sequel money to be made!
NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 3: DREAM WARRIORS: Just as good as Part One, if not better. Teenagers, this time in an asylum, are being killed and all-sorts-of-harassed by Freddy Krueger.
He's really starting to hone his craft here: The death methods are getting good and he's starting to get a sense of humor!
Nancy from NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET is here as a counselor. The teens in turmoil this time around are:
Kristen: (Patricia Arquette) Girl who lives in Nancy's old house
Joey: Every womans dream: A cute guy that can't talk
Kinkade: Token black guy/ Joey's best friend
Taryn: Cute junkie girl
Harry Potter Wanna-Be: I forget his name. Wizard Dude
Puppet Dude: I forget his name too, but his death scene is hard to watch.
Jennifer: Girl who wants to be on TV ("Welcome to prime time, b*tch!)
NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 4: Red haired girl named Alice starts picking up the traits of her friends that Freddy has killed. This turns her into a Kung Fu a**-kickin' machine that jumps through a mirror to fight Freddy.
If you don't remember Part 4 from that description maybe this will spark your memory: One of Alice's friends gets turned into a cockroah and gets killed by getting squished in a Roach Motel. How this scene failed to win someone an Oscar I'll never know.
FREDDY VS JASON: The title tells you everything you need to know about what you're in for, so check your brain at the door and just sit back and enjoy watching two of Horror's head monsters duke it out in the baddest Battle Royale ever! Through the years people have been covering up The Elm Street Scandal and so none of the new teens have heard of evil Freddy Krueger, therefore they are not afraid of him. Freddy feeds on fear and if there is none, well, then he's pretty much out of business. He resurrects FRIDAY THE 13TH's Jason Voorhees from the bowels of Hell and sends him to Elm Street to go on a slaughter spree. Every time Jason kills someone Freddy gets stronger and eventually he's strong enough to start going after teens too. When killing teens gets dull he decidees to pick a fight with Jason. This is the moment most of us have waited over a decade to see and it really makes for a great Death Match to watch with your friends and scream at the screen and throw popcorn and just go all out ape-sh*t over. This movie has every requisite fans of  the NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET and FRIDAY THE 13TH series' expect: A sexy heroine with a heaving bosom, a bunch of teens having sex, drinking and drugging, and, of couse, getting stabbed and slabbed. It also has an annoying singer cum actress (DESTINY'S CHILD's Kelly Rowlands) who actually back-sasses the villains....and then gets put on ice. A whole lotta fun. And if you're a bit disappointed with who "wins" the fight don't worry: As long as there's good American sequel money to be made I'm sure we haven't seen the last of these two.
HALLOWEEN: Why does young Michael Myers snap and start killing people...starting with his sister? I don't know. And I don't much care. I'd rather know where he gets his super-human strength and ability to live ,re-live and re-live again (And if you say "The Druids" I'll slap you.)
Jamie Lee Curtis stars as the Best Babysitter Who Ever Lived. Unlike the rest of us, who would have ran screaming and saved our own a**es, she actually puts the kids welfare first! She's one of those odd teenagers who would rather babysit the kids next door than party and have sex. Go figure.
She babysits on Halloween unaware that Michael Myers in on the loose and since she's a relative he has license to go after her. And,boy, does he! Michael's one of those guys who goes after you real slow but with the chilling music playing and him coming at you relentlessly...he can't be's scarier than Hell. 
Watch this and you may never babysit again.
HALLOWEEN 2: It's the same night as HALLOWEEN and now Laurie Strode is in a hospital with a broken leg. She's also on medication that makes her groggy. The good news is her heart-throb Ben Tramer comes to visit her. The bad news is so does merciless killer Michael Myers.
He kills randomly at the hospital (F*ck motive!) working his way up to Laurie's hospital room. She hops with all her might, then crawls with all her might to get away. Lucky for her he moves so slow!
Because Laurie is hopping and crawling and not full-fledged running from Michael this is one of those movies where you find yourself screaming "Go! Go! Go!" at the TV set.
* Avoid the totally unrelated HALLOWEEN 3: SEASON OF THE WITCH at all cost!
HELLRAISER: Poor Kirstie. Not only does she have a b*tch-on-wheels stepmother but now things have gone from bad to worse . Her presumed dead missing relative Uncle Frank has left his house to Kirstie's family. While moving in a drop of blood falls on the floorboards in the attic and this somehow re-animates the skeletal remains of dead Uncle Frank.
Now, Uncle Frank was never any good to begin with. He was a kinky hedonist who always wanted more. What he GOT was this strange puzzle box that released Pinhead and the evil Cenobites on him. They pretty much ripped him to shreds. This explains why he's  been missing in action. Whatever was left of him got sucked into the soul of the house via the floorboards in the attic.
So anyway, a drop of blood gets his mojo going and he's sort of pulled together into a gelatinous raw meat version of himself.
Now he's up in the attic just waiting for some poor fool to stumble in. Kirstie's beastly stepmother Julia discovers him in the attic and is a little surprised. Not only is she surprised that there's a living dead man in the attic, she's surprised to see that it's Frank, who we find out she had been having an affair with!
Now Julia is out trolling the singles bars because Frank gets more blood, guts and skin every time she brings some poor unsuspecting jerk up to the attic for no-strings-attached casual sex.
Good kinky fun!
HELLBOUND: HELLRAISER 2: Not as great as HELLRAISER but still pretty good.
The same depraved premise of bringing home strangers for hot sex just so your deceased lover can eat...then wear...their flesh!
This time around it's b*itchy stepmotherJulia who is resurrected, re-animated, slimey and gross and hiding up in the attic.
THE LOST BOYS:  Two brothers move to a new town with their mom. The older, hotter brother starts hanging out with a bad crowd. Not only are they a bunch of punk ne'er-do-well's, they are also vamprires. He gets turned into a vamprire too. The little brother hooks up with two kids who are supposedly vampire killers and they go on a mission to kill the head vampire. 
In this '80s vampire flick all the guys are hot!
 Like good boys? Then you'll like Jason Patric's charactor, a hot young guy who unwillingly becomes a vampire.
Like bad boys? Then you'll like Kiefer Sutherland's charactor, a hot young bad-a** vampire who is a snappy dresser.
There are so many hot looking honeys in this that it's practically porn! One of The Lost Boys must not have been much of an actor because they didn't give him any lines. He just sort of stands around looking hot!
SCREAM: The good thing about SCREAM was it was sort of a resurrection of the dying genre of Horor films. The bad thing about SCREAM was it spawned a hundred wanna-be's, none of which were any good ( I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER, anyone?)
But as far as modern Horror movies go  this was pretty much the last one I remember liking. And it was great seeing Henry Winkler again! In this one a masked, cloaked killer (The mask is a cross between the painting THE SCREAM and The Grim Reaper) is killing all teens that have sex. Our heroine Sydney is a virgin which works in her favor. But her boyfriend looks a lot like Johnny Depp so she might not remain a virgin for long.(Would you?!)
This movie has the recipe for a great Horror movie perfected: Teenagers screaming and running for their lives. Why try to re-invent the wheel?
MISERY: Writer Paul Sheldon has written a lot of books but the only ones that have gained him any fame or money are the romance novels he writes about a plucky young heroine named Misery. He clearly only writes MISERY books for the money and would love to get out of writing them. He decides that in his next book he will kill the charactor off. This will leave him free to go back to writing the more serious books he enjoys writing.
Unfourtunatetly, he and his manuscript get in a car accident in a snow storm. He gets rescued by a recluse named Annie who is a bit of a fan. Okay, she's a big fan. Make that an obssesed, crazed, scary fan. She's his "#1 Fan"! She also likes pigs, glass animals and Liberace. Go figure.
Annie waits on Paul hand and foot while he recovers from the accident at her cabin. She used to be a nurse so she has all the supplies on hand. She gushes over how much she loves his MISERY books so one day Paul tells her that he has the latest one with him and would she like to be the first one to read it. Of course, she says "Yes".
The next morning he wakes up to see a furious Annie fuming : How dare he kill Misery? He better fix the ending so that Misery lives.And to be sure he does she's gonna hold him captive 'til he does. I don't wanna' ruin any surprises here so I won't tell you how she keeps him there against his will. I will say this though: OUCH!  
One of the interesting things about MISERY is that most of the movie takes place in Annie's small cabin, almost like a one-set play, and yet  even though they never leave the cabin the story isn't hurting for action or suspense.
Another notable thing is the study of how Annie goes to one extreme to the next: One minute she's an adoring fan doting on Paul and the next minute she's his Date From Hell, to put it lightly.
Has Hal Sparks ever seen this movie? I hope not. And I also hope his car breaks down in front of my house one day.
A CLOCKWORK ORANGE: I'm not sure A CLOCKWORK ORANGE is a Horror movie. I AM sure that it is some sick, sad, twisted sh*t! 
 Alex (Malcolm McDowell) and his friends get their jollys robbing,  stealing, beating up bums and breaking into peoples houses to rob them and rape whoever happens to be at home. They also like to hang out at THE MILK BAR drinking drugged milk.
One day Alex gets caught and ends up in prison. Part of his rehabilitation is to be observed to find out why he is so de-sensitized to violence. The scenes where Alex is strapped down with his eyelids held open while tapes of murder, rape,death, et al are played are the stuff of legend.
At the end of the movie Alex is released vowing that he's changed for the better. Is he really? Or is it just a matter of time before he goes back to his ultra-violent ways?  A must see.
* This movie is still potent today. Just try to imagine what it must have been like for those who viewed it when it first came out over thirty years ago. It must have really knocked people on their a**es!
PHANTASM: A teenage boy is going to a friend's funeral. His little brother wants to go with him. He won't allow the kid to come. It seems that their parents died recently and ever since then the kid has had some weird fascination with the funeral parlor.
The older brother is unaware that the younger brother has snuck out  to the funeral and is watching through binoculars. He sticks around after the funeral and notices that strange things are going on, mostly concerning The Tall Man, the local mortician.
Of course, no one believes him and so he plans to break into the funeral home and prove that something strange is afoot. Is it ever! Three foot tall cannibalistic troll slaves in hooded attire come after him, a menacing flying sphere with Swiss Army knife-like gadgets comes after him and, last but not least,The Tall Man comes after him. The Tall Man doesn't have many lines aside from "BOYYY!" and "You play a good game, Boyyy!!! But now the game is FINISHED!"  but he is indeed one scary son-of-a-b*tch. 
When this movie scares it really delivers. I watched it in the dark and I actually leaped outta' my chair a few times. I laughed out loud a few times too. PHANTASM is an unsung gem that doesn't get enough credit as far as I'm concerned.
BRIDE OF CHUCKY: The only CHILDS PLAY flick worth seeing.
I always found the CHILDS PLAY  films to be dumb and pandering. Not so BRIDE OF CHUCKY!
Jennifer Tilly breathes new life into the franchise as sassy bad-a**  Tiffany.
Trailer Tramp Tiffany was Chucky's girlfriend before he was turned into a living doll. He has himself sent to her trailer park and when she finds out that he's really her old flame she decides that they are going to  be married as soon as he gets back in a human body.
He doesn't  agree to this so she says she isn't going to  help him get out of his doll body.
He somehow uses voodoo to  turn HER into a doll and now they are both dolls on a murderous ride to get an amulet that will turn them both human again.
*This movie might not be totally scary (Unless dolls spook you) but it is an enjoyable joke-y ride. It's funny, fast moving and fun. It also contains puppet sex as well as human sex so don't let the kids watch!
THE CHANGELING: George C Scott stars as a man whose wife and child are killed in an accident. He moves into a huge Horror Movie Delight mansion and sooner than later finds out that it's haunted. But is it haunted by his wife and child or someone else?
This movie has some truly spooky images that will stay with you long after the movie ends.
* This guy lived in an apartment with his wife and child. After they die he buys himself a huge friggin' mansion to live in alone. Go figure.
SUSPIRIA: Pretty young American girl goes to German all girl  dance academy guessed it....pretty young girls are getting iced. Will she unearth the strange goings-on in the hidden room? Let's hope so!
* SUSPIRIA features a scary score by GOBLIN.
THE HIDDEN: When people refer to THE HIDDEN as a Cult Classic I get a little mad. That is a title reserved for films like PINK FLAMINGOS or SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT.
THE HIDDEN is a legitimately good  movie but it's hard to place because its a little bit Sci-Fi, a little bit Action, a little bit Horror.
THE HIDDEN is about an alien that lives inside human hosts by crawling into their mouths...quite disgustingly.
Whenever the body it's in is about to die it has to quickly get itself into a new body. Some of the bodies it ends up in are quite amusing and because it keeps changing from person to person it keeps the movie rolling at a good pace.
*  There is a sequel called THE HIDDEN 2 that is nowhere near as good as the original THE HIDDEN. Unless you think you might enjoy watching an alien learning how to brush his teeth avoid that one at all cost.
THE OTHER: One of the creepiest movies I have ever seen.
The story revolves around twin boys Niles and Holland. Being that they are twins it is a given that one of them is good (Niles) and one of them is evil (Holland). They live with their mother who is recovering (Poorly) from a nervous breakdown, their pregnant sister, her husband (John Ritter!) and their Grandma Aida who is a slightly twisted old lady who teaches them how to play The Game, an out-of-body experience that lets you see through the eyes of others.
The twins don't really have many friends so they hang out together with the good twin trying to talk the bad twin out of his evil no avail. 
* One twin is always evil
* Do not mess with the evil twin. You will not win
* Never jump into a haystack
* If a ring is stuck on your hand you can get it off by cutting off your finger!
* The makers of THE SIXTH SENSE either saw this movie or read the book
INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS (1978 version): The good news is that it's San Fransico in the '70s and a beautiful rare flower is showing up everywhere (If you're going to San Francisco you'd better wear some flowers in your hair!). The bad news is the flowers are really spores from outer space that trap sleeping humans in an incubus-type pod and replace them with emotionless replicas. Donald Sutherland realizes that something strange is afoot but only a handful of people believe him.
Soon the whole city is replaced with alien life forms that scream a blood-curdling scream when they see a human. Then they convert the human into one of them.
Who makes it out of  alive and who doesn't? You won't know until the freaky deaky ending.
* Best.....Horror movie.....sound effect......EVER!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME: There's a popular clique of college kids who are getting iced one by one.
The newest member of the group is Virginia (Melissa Sue Anderson from LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE). Virginia is a pretty young virginal type with a sketchy past. She got in an accident a few years back and now suffers memory loss and flashbacks. She also has a really cheesy flap in her skull that looks like the place where the batteries would go in a talking doll.
Soon everyone who hangs out with Virginia is getting killed in very strange and inventive ways (Shish-kebob, anyone?)
Is Virginia doing the killing or is it someone else? You'll never guess in this whodunnit that has more twists than a bag of pretzels.
* For people who see this movie and say that the ending is totally unbelievable, ask yourself this: Did you swallow the ending to SCREAM? And doesn't it feel like the makers of SCREAM might have seen HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME?
PROM NIGHT: A few kids are playing a twisted version of Hide & Go Seek ("The killer is coming!") in an abandoned building. A little girl accidentally falls out a window and is killed. The others make a pact never to tell anyone what happened.
Fast forward and now they're seniors in high school getting ready for thier Disco-licious prom. The usual teen dilemmas such as getting a prom date are soon surpassed when a crazy psycho starts offing them one by one (Heads go flying!).
As it was in the superior HALLOWEEN, Jamie Lee Curtis is onhand as the skinny, demure girl who isn't having wanton sex, therefore, will probably live to tell the tale.
This movie isn't 100 % perfect but it is a lot of fun. Even though it was filmed in 1980 it just screams Disco Era  even though Disco was on it's last legs around this time. There are a lot of overly long SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER wanna-be dance sequences that you might need a few drinks in ya' to fully enjoy.
A plus in this film is a long, good chase scene between the killer and the b*tchy hot chick.
So while PROM NIGHT might be a poor man's HALLOWEEN and a little dated that actually might be part of its appeal.
HELLO, MARYLOU: PROM NIGHT 2:  Totally un-related to the first PROM NIGHT.
In the '50s class trollop Mary Lou Mahoney died on prom night in a horrible accident. It seems she went to the prom with a nice boy she wouldn't put out for and then snuck off with a bad boy to drink hooch and play slap and tickle. Only she got caught. When she went up to receive her Prom Queen crown the spurned boyfriend threw a lit stink bomb at her and she accidentally caught  fire and died in a beautiful blaze.
Fast forward to the '80s and prim and proper virginal teen Vicki is going through the school prop room when she unearths a mysterious trunk, opens it and frees the slutty vengeful soul of Mary Lou Mahoney.
Mary Lou  soon starts possesing Vicki, turning her into a temptress who hits on the ladies as well as the gents and is out to raise Hell. This all plays like the kinky twin sister of NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET.
Look out for the Locker Room scene and the evil, sick and nasty rocking horse!
APRIL FOOLS DAY: A bunch of '80s fool college students are visiting their friend Muffy (Deborah Foreman) at the family summer home she has just inherited. She's hoping to turn it into a Bed & Breakfast inn.
It's April Fools Day and the lot is playing really corny jokes on eachother. But sooner than later Muffy starts acting really strange and the tricks turn into people disappearing one-by-one.
Someone's got a really twisted sense of humor: Is it Muffy? Or is it somebody else?
This movie is a totally fer sure '80s flick...not that that's a bad thing. It's funny, it's clever and it's even sort of creepy. There's a good twist at the end that I'm not about to divulge here so if you havent seen it yet: Rent it!
ALICE, SWEET, ALICE (aka COMMUNION aka HOLY TERROR): Brooke Shields, in her film debut, is a whiney little girl named Karen who is about to receive her First Holy Communion. Her sister Alice is a few years older and verrrrrrrry jealous of her. Alice also has a freaky evil streak. She likes to wear yellow raincoats, scary masks and hang out in the basement with her roach farm and other collectible odditys. She also likes hanging out abandoned warehouses where she can pop out and  scare the poop outta' Alice. A real tormentor. The Big Sister From Hell. Alice, who was already pretty unstable to begin with, has been even more weird lately. Her sister Karen is getting all the attention cuz it's her Communion and, well, let's face it: She's cuter. Even the building's four hundred pound pedophile states that he prefers Karen to Alice! (More on him later)
 Soon family members are being offed or, at the very least  stabbed and it looks like Alice is the one doing it. But is she? There are plenty of freaks to go around so we're not quite sure.
ALICE, SWEET, ALICE is sort of a hidden treasure of a film that you'll either totally love or totally hate.It was made on a small budget and it shows. It sort of suffers a little here and there. For example, everyone screams their lines and some of the dubbing ain't too great.
On the other hand though, it's got a look and feel all it's own that I've never seen in any other movie. And it also has that "They did not just go there!" quality to it. ( Example: Watch Alice seductively lick chocolate frosting off her fingers while offering the four hundred pound pedohile a piece of cake)
 It also has two charactors you will never forget as long as you live:
 *Alice who is a twelve year old girl played convincingly by a nineteen year old actress (LIQUID SKY's Paula E. Shepard)
* Mr Alphonso, the four hundred pound pedophile who walks around his apartment in urine-soaked clothes, shares cat food with his cats, refers to himself as "mama" and plays showtunes. Yikes! He also gets fresh with Alice. Double Yikes!
FRIGHT NIGHT: Charlie Brewster is the kind of guy who would rather watch old Horror movies on TV than make out with his girlfriend Amy.( Who can blame him?)
His favorite late night TV show is FRIGHT NIGHT hosted by The Great Vampire Killer Peter Vincent (Roddy McDowell).
When a strange and sexy man moves in next door and local hookers start turning up dead, Charlie starts to suspect the new neighbor is a vampire. Of course, no one believes him so he goes to find Peter Vincent who he thinks is a true believer. Mr Vincent is just an actor, but when Charlie offers to give him a few bucks to help out he plays along.
Soon Peter Vincent realizes that the neighbor IS a vampire and now they have to stop the madness. 
Some  movies have a charactor who just takes the movie and runs away with the whole thing: In FRIGHT NIGHT that charactor is Charlie's friend Evil Ed, played by Stephen Geoffreys.
* Stephen "Evil Ed" Geoffreys perfected playing teen outcasts in '80s flicks FRIGHT NIGHT, HEAVEN HELP US and  FRATERNITY VACATION before he decided to switch over to "acting" in hard-core gay porn. Go figure!
NIGHT OF THE DEMONS: Nice, virginal girl Judy gets dressed for a Halloween party while her kid brother peeps her from inside a closet and her mother bakes Halloween treats that look like sun-dryed poodle turds.
When her date comes to pick her up he announces that they will be going to kinky bad girl Angela's Halloween party. This year it will be held at the old haunted mortuary. (See it comin'?) Judy is less than thrilled with the idea but (seeing that she's a prude and only teens who have sex get murdered in these things) she agrees to go.
The teens at the party are pretty much representing every stereotype:
* "Dees and does"- talking tough guy
* Token black guy
* Slutty girl
* Kinky devlish girl
* Guy who is a total pig party guy
* Party girl
* Nice inter-racial couple
The big question is who is going to actually get out of this party alive and by half-way through the movie you'll probably have figured it out using the rules you've learned from watching so many Horror movies.( I did.)
*This movie contains the famous "lipstick in the nipple" scene featuring Scream Queen Linnea Quigley.
TRICK OR TREAT: Marc Price (Skippy Handleman from FAMILY TIES) is the most unpopular kid in his school. Of course, this means he is the lone metalhead and the rest of the kids are jocks and JAPs and jerks. (The Head Jerk is played by the same guy who was the token gay guy on MELROSE PLACE!) All he has in life is his love of Metal and a really spankin' room.
When his favorite rock star Sammi Curr dies in a mysterious fire the town's local DJ (KISS' God Of Thunder Gene Simmons!) gives him Sammi's latest album, not knowing it has subliminal messages on it. Fit starts hitting the shan.
Good Heavy Metal fun ensues.
* Check out OZZY OSBOURNE playing a bible-thumper preaching the evils of Heavy Metal!
* A little dated by the fact the kid is playing records. Remember those?!
* This movie actually has a decent FASTWAY-fueled soundtrack.
THE HAND THAT ROCKS THE CRADLE: Couple hires sexy nanny unaware that she is the widow of the doctor the wife ruined when she filed a sexual harassment claim against him. The doctor committed suicide, his wife had a miscarriage and now she's left with nothing and looking for revenge.
She moves in, gets the kids to prefer her to their mother, flirts with the father, bullys the reatarded handyman, threatens a child in a schoolyard and kills a friend of the family....all in her first week! Talk about efficient!
This Nanny Usurper movie has one thing that distinguishes it from it's competition: When the sexy nanny in THE HAND THAT ROCKS THE CRADLE hits on the father he doesn't take the bait.
FUNERAL HOME: Lesleh Donaldson (HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME) is Heather, a teen girl who is spending her summer vacation helping Grandma Chalmer fix up the old family home. They are turning it into a Bed & Breakfast inn. It used to be a funeral home. In fact, Grandma's nickname arround town is "Chalmer The Embalmer"!
Grandma just hasn't been the same since Granpa disappeared a few years ago.
Where is Grandpa? No one knows. When asked about it Grandma gives a glib two second answer. She does the same thing when asked about the mentally retarded guy named Billy who lives in a shack out back.
Grandma's an old-fashioned, God-fearing woman who passes judgement on everbody. When a trashy Ron Jeremy-like salesman comes to stay at the inn with his trampy, God-awful mistress Grandma raises an eyebrow and keeps her eye on them just waiting for them to make one wrong move so she can throw them out. Or worse.
The mistress is one of those annoying women who is really quite unattractive but parades around thinking that she's hot stuff. Take SCTV's Andrea Martin and NEWHART's Marcia Wallace and mix them together. Now put that in a halter top and hot pants borrowed from Pamela Anderson. Not a pretty picture, is it?
One day the trampy mistress goes to the local swimming hole to flirt with the underage boys. None of them are drunk enough to give her a tumble so she goes into the woods to sunbathe. There she runs into Billy, the retarded handyman, chopping wood..She flirts with him: "Ya know, Billy, you're gonna turn me on if you keep up all that he-man stuff". She starts asking Billy if he likes her body and then when he stares at her in dumb-struck confusion she starts laughing at him like a sick hyena. (Doesn't she know that anyone who teases the mentally challenged gets offed in these movies?)
The next day the kids are fooling around at the old swimming hole.
A boy tells Heather he wants to take a picture of her in her swimsuit to hang on his locker door and Heather retorts "Why don't you just buy yourself a picture of Farrah Fawcett?" (Wow. Way to date a movie!)
Someone goes underwater and finds....yup, you guessed it: the hag mistress is down there feeding the fishies.
That's odd.
And so is the whispering and mumbling that Heather's been hearing coming from the basement that she's not allowed to go in.
You won't wanna go in the basement either after watching this flick. No fooling. I usually won't go down there for a good three days after watching FUNERAL HOME. I start hearing voices, I swear!
This movie doesn't have any nudity and it hardly has any blood. But it works anyway. It's both funny and scary. Some of the dialogue is very funny (""Not so bad, not so bad"...Not so good, Buddy. Not so good!") And there's a lot of dark atmosphere: Heather creeping around  while evil skulks in every corner and creepy voices mumbling like a demon with Tourette's Syndrome coming from the basement.
* One minor qualm: This movie borrows liberally from another very well known Horror film. Oh well, if ya gotta steal ya might as well steal big, I guess.
TERROR TRAIN: '80s. Jamie Lee Curtis. Horror Movie. Recipe For Success.
There's a graduation party and the cool kids wanna play a little trick on the nerdy kid. They use a "come hither" Jamie Lee Curtis as bait, lure him into an empty bedroom and then spring a nasty you-could-probably-face-jail time-for-pulling-a-stunt-like-this-on-someone prank on him.
As a result he goes absolutley nuts and is committed to an asylum. Life ruined.
Fast foward and the graduates are having a big old New Years Eve costume party. They've all gotten together and gotten a train to have this huge party on. Who did they hire for entertainment? Some kick-a** band, right? Wrong. They hired David Copperfield. David friggin' Copperfield. And his lovely assistant.
So they all get drunk, get rowdy, get laid. You know how kids can be. They don't notice at first that people are being killed because everyone is in costume and the killer will just kill ya' and put on your outfit and walk around and your drunken fool freinds will assume it's you. (As will their cheatin' ho girlfriends!)
Soon someone realizes that people are indeed getting iced and Jamie Lee concludes it must be that nerd whose life we totally destroyed in high school. (Ya think?)
But who the hell is he? Which costume is he in? Or is he that friggin' David Copperfield?!
Not bad. Worth a watch.
VAMP: There are two guys who are desperate to get into a fraternity. The deed they must perform to get in is to get a stripper to perform at an upcoming frat party.
They get Long Duck Dong (Gedde Watanabe) to drive them into the seedy part of the city to look for a stripper. But not just any stripper: They have vowed to get the wildest friggin' stripper they can find.
They find Grace Jones.
Hey, no one said the stripper had to be good looking. Just friggin' wild.
So they end up at an after-hours strip club, somehow get in and run into a cute waitress that seems to know one of them. But they don't pay her any mind. They're too busy trying to get to Grace Jones.
One of the guys goes to talk to Grace backstage and never comes back out. Or he does. Sort of. He's later found disposed of in a dumpster.
This is because Grace and just about everybody else in this part of town is a vampire. (And this is not a SPOILER. The movie is called VAMP. You already knew it was about vampires.)
So now the guy who didnt get bit and the waitress have to remedy the situation.
This movie works on two levels. 
One: As one of those college buddy movies where the guys jump in a car off to find a stripper/ hooker/ tail and
Two: As a vampire film.
The casting of Grace Jones is perfect. I mean, let's face it: She was pretty over the top before the wigs, make up and strange costumes even got to the set. 
BUBBA HO-TEP: Hey, Kids, Guess what? THE NATIONAL ENQUIRER was right! ELVIS isn't dead! He's an old man still wearing spangly jumpsuits and residing in a nursing home in Texas!  It seems The King got tired of all the Elvismania a few years back and switched places with an ELVIS impersonator. The good news is he got some much needed rest. The bad news is now no one believes he really is ELVIS. No one but the black guy down the hall who thinks he's John F, Kennedy. You heard me: Black. It's all part of the conspiracy!
As if it wasn't srange enough having a bloated and alive  ELVIS and a black and alive JFK hanging around the home there's also an eerie mummy that wanders the corridors at night looking for souls to steal. No one wants to believe this either so ELVIS and JFK have to stop the mo-fo all by themselves.
This movie stars Bruce "The Man" Campbell as ELVIS but you won't be distracted by thoughts of "Hey, it's Ash from EVIL DEAD in an ELVIS suit". You almost forget it's Bruce under all that make-up, sequins and fat. And if we must have an African American JFK we couldn't hope for a better one than Ossie Davis.
When this movie ended I said "I have never seen anything like that in my life". Highly recommended. Must see! 
THE LITTLE GIRL WHO LIVES DOWN THE LANE:  Jodie Foster is Rynn, a thirteen year old girl who lives in a small house in a small town with her father. Only no one has actually seen Dad in quite awhile. This causes nosy neighbors to stop by the house to snoop. One such person is The Landlady's son Frank (Martin Sheen). He develops an interest in Rynn when he meets her while trick-or-treating with his kids and realizes that, not only is she young and nubile, she's home alone A LOT! It's a hush-hush secret around town that Frank is a pedophile of sorts who trys to lure little girls into the bushes with candy. Rynn's too smart for that sh*t.  Rynn makes friends with a man closer to her own age, Mario, a crippled teen who likes to practice magic. He does The Disappearing Sword Trick with Rynn (I think you know what I mean).  Little by little love blossoms and Rynn starts letting Mario in on her secrets.  Mario decides to help Rynn cover things up. It ain't easy. The more dumb townsfolk that come snooping around the more there is to cover up!
THE SIXTH SENSE: Eight year old Cole has a problem.No, he doesn't wet the bed. He sees dead people. And they see him too. Bruce Willis is Dr Malcolm Crane, the only person who can help Cole. If you don't know the story from there you've been living in a cave for too long.  The good thing about THE SIXTH SENSE was that it had a "twist ending" that about 95% of the audience never saw coming. The bad thing about THE SIXTH SENSE is that it "inspired" a lot of movies that came out after it to attempt to have a "twist ending". Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't. By 2005 we were screaming "Enough with the "twist endings" already!"
FRAILTY: Freaky deaky almost hard-to-watch Horror film in which a father of two boys starts having weird "hallucinations" and is convinced it is an angel telling him to do God's work and kill the human demons on Earth. So soon Dad starts bringing home tied up people to the shack in the yard to axe murder them and do his "work". One of the sons (And I don't mean "men" or "teenagers": These kids are YOUNG!) starts to believe Dad and assist in his killings. The other one thinks Dad is crazy and trys to warn the authorities, who think he's telling "tall tales" and keep on bringing him back home every time he trys to run away. Yikes!
HENRY: PORTRAIT OF A SERIAL KILLER: I saw HENRY in 2005 and I think I'm STILL reeling from shock from the last 20 minutes.
HENRY is based on the life of real life serail killer Henry Lee Lucas. Henry, because he had a dirt poor childhood which he spent with his prostitute mother who used to make him wear dresses, likes to kill and rape people. He lives with his butt ugly spaz friend Otis, who is also a thrill killer. Otis's sister, who is a sometimes stripper who has run out on her husband and kid, comes to stay with Henry and Otis, totally oblivious to the fact that they go out at night torturing people and videotaping the results. She develops a crush on Henry who can't quite deal with the idea of non-violent sex. Meanwhile, Otis is trying to strike up an incestous relationship with his own sister.
HENRY is so raw that it's repulsive, probably because we know the whole time we're watching it that it is based on a true story. It is one of the scariest Horror movies I have ever seen. It doesn't have a good "re-watchanbility factor" (Like, say, EVIL DEAD) though, as watching it made me feel sick and disgusted and I will probably never sit through it again.
BURNT OFFERINGS: I don't know why this unsung gem doesn't make it's way onto many Top Horror lists: For my money it is muuuuuuch scarier than that crappy AMITYVILLE HORROR!
Horror Queen Karen Black, her husband Oliver Reed ( Remember him? He was chasing a little kid around trying to kill it in OLIVER! Here he almost kills a kid too. Scary mo-fo that Oliver Reed!) and their little boy get this humdinger of a vacation house (it's huuuge!) for a honey of a price. Uh-oh. Must be haunted, right? After meeting the goofy, crazy, creepy people who run the place (Burgess Meredith is one of 'em!) the family have the bomb dropped on them that anyone who rents the place has to take care of Mrs. Alladyce the "nice old lady" who lives on the top floor. All you really have to do is leave food for the old biddy three times a day - Not a problem, right? WRONG! Soon enough the family - and visiting relative Bette Davis(!) - are being be-deviled because something evil is afoot. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-vil! Is it the house? Is it Mrs Alladyce? What IS it...and why don't these stupid people get out while the gettin's good???
Be sure you don't miss the Evil Jim Carrey-lookin' chauffer. Brrrrrrrrrrr! Him - and the last five minutes of the movie - managed to f*ck up my childhood but good!
Speaking of "f*ckin' up my childhood real good", they used to play this on TV when I was a kid and Jennifer Jones always used to make me watch it (I swear she would find out ahead of time when it would be on TV and then make me sleep over that night just so she could scare the bejesus outta me!) Thaaaaaaaaaanks, Jennifer Jones.
THE OMEN: Man's wife has stillborn birth and so he replaces her baby with The Devil's Son without telling her. Soon Little Damian (one of the creepiest Horror movie kids EVER!) starts making terrible things happen.
THE EXORCIST: Young girl gets posessed by Devil. Wreaks disgusting havok.
INSIDE (2007): I fear I may lose half my audience here by telling you this is French film which means you will be forced to read sub-titles - but WAIT!: - You have to watch it anyway cuz it's super scary and really gory! It has plot but not mega-plot. It's every bit as bloody as SAW (which I hated) and has twists that actually make sense (unlike HIGH TENSION which I loved the first half of but hated after it's totally ludicrous plot twist). the acting's not bad either.
The story is about a pregnant female photographer who gets into a car accident while driving with her husband. He dies and now she's alone, pregnant and depressed. It's Christmas Eve and she's sooooooo pregnant that the doctors want her to come in Christmas Day so they can induce labor and deliver the baby. Friends and co-workers try to cheer her up and offer to spend Christmas Eve with her but she's depressed and tired and just wants to stay home and go to sleep.
Later that night she gets one of those A CLOCKWORK ORANGE knocks on the door. It's a woman claiming to have been in an accident who needs to use the phone. The pregnant woman - whose name is Sarah - apparently has seen a few Horror movies and will not let the woman in. The woman starts letting on that she knows who Sarah is and that she knows that Sarah is alone in there.
Sarah, now worried, calls the cops. They stop by to check on her but since there's a riot going on in the streets (!) they let her know that every cop in town us busy. They promise to send someone to check up on her later.
Sarah goes to sleep and Scary Lady breaks into the house. What does she want? To remove Sarah's baby and take it home with her!
Now if this was an AMERICAN movie it would be all about Sarah turning hero and besting this woman at every turn and Sarah would escape with nary a scratch. This is why it PAYS to actually watch Foreign movies every once in awhile, Kids. This one doesn't sanatize it's story for anybody! The woman is hellbent on cutting out Sarah's baby no matter WHO stops by the house to try to stop her and lets face it: Anyone who is capable of cutting a baby out of someone who is still alive's stomach is pretty tough and hard to win an argument with!

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