LIVING IN THE PAST

Comedies (Includes Whole Lotta Honeys)

Because laughter IS the best medicine.

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BILL & TED'S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE stars Total Babe Keanu Reeves

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THIS IS SPINAL TAP: Quite possibly the funniest movie ever made. This movie has the best quotes, the best sight gags and some of the best music(!) I've ever seen in a movie. Its laugh-out-loud funny and one of those rare movies that every time you watch it you still laugh your a** off, even if it's the hundredth time you've seen it. Rockumentary (Hosted by none other than "Meathead"!) celebrating spandex-wearing hair band SPINAL TAP whose members include David St Hubbins (Michael McKean), Nigel Tufnel (Christopher Guest) and Derek Smalls (Harry Shearer). All other members have died of strange causes: One spontaneously combusted, one choked on vomit ("We're not sure whose vomit"), one died in a gardening accident. Part of SPINAL TAP's appeal (Aside from cheeky lyrics like "Big Bottom, Big Bottom, talk about mudflaps my girl's got 'em!") is their elaborate stage shows that usually don't go off as planned. In one segment a fourteen foot recreation of Stonehenge is mistakenly made fourteen inches tall and is trampled by dwarves dancing onstage.Things go from bad to worse when David gets a Yoko-esque girlfriend who starts out helping with costume design and ends up somehow managing the band. She gets them gigs at amusement parks opening for  puppet shows. Soon the band breaks up. Then they find out they're  big in Japan and reconcile.Very funny. 5 Stars. A treasure. *****

AUSTIN POWERS-INTERNATIONAL MAN OF MYSTERY: One of the funniest movies ever made with some of the best catch-phrases("Oh, behave!") Another movie that you could watch again and again and not tire of. Mike Myers stars as '60s spy Austin Powers who has been cryogenically frozen so that he can help future generations. 

ANIMAL HOUSE: It's a predictable choice, I know, but that's because of its re-watch-ability. You will still laugh out loud at the funny parts. It's the '50s and a group of outcasts are having a hard time getting into a college fraternity. With nowhere else to go they go to Delta House,a group of misfits who will accept just about anybody. Once accepted in Delta House there are toga partys and misadventures aplenty. A favorite scene has them going to a sorority house of a girl they know through a newspaper story died recently. They get her sympathethic friends to go out with them to an all black nightclub where huge burly black men ask "Can we dance with yo' dates?"  If you've never seen ANIMAL HOUSE you have been living in a cave for too long and you should go rent it.

SIXTEEN CANDLES: What was better in the '80s than a Molly Ringwald movie? Nothin'! Here she is Samantha Baker whose sixteenth birthday is being trampled over by her older sister's wedding. She fights off nerdy Farmer Ted (Anthony Michael Hall) while dreaming of gorgeous Jake Ryan (Michael Schoeffling), Total  Babe. This movie reminds me of my own life and Lord knows someone shoulda' made a movie about that by now!

THE BREAKFAST CLUB: Probably the best Teen Angst movie ever made. Once again: Molly Ringwald! She was the Queen of these things. There was someone in this for all of us to identify with when a rich girl (Molly Ringwald), a freaky quiet girl (Ally Sheedy), a nerd (Anthony Michale Hall), a jock (Emilio Estevez) and a ne'er-do-well metalhead (Judd Nelson) are stuck in Detention Hall. As much as I hate to admit this: Judd Nelson's charactor was the sex symbol in this. Fess up, Girls: By the end of the movie you wanted to bang Judd!

PRETTY IN PINK: Molly Ringwald again! In this movie she's Andie, a poor girl from the wrong side of the tracks who is attracted to Blaine, a "richie" from the right side of the tracks. Andie hates most of the rich kids. But they don't have twinkling blue eyes and a nice a** like Blaine so she's willing to make an exception for him (Andrew McCarthy). This does not please Andie's scene-stealing best friend Ducky (Jon Cryer) who has been harboring a not-so-secret crush on Andie since they were little kids. He does everything  he can to talk her out of hooking up with Blaine. But forbidden fruit is often the sweetest and so this poor girl is determined to land this cute rich boy. It helps that Blaine also likes Andie back. Andie and Blaine go on a date and are hitting it off great until he drags her to a "richie" party thrown by insensitive S.O.B. James Spader, who is also interested in Andie but in a more nasty, less-than-wholesome way. The "richies" make it difficult for them to date, Ducky makes it difficult for them to date. So they end up at the prom without eachother. But you know what they say: It's not who you show up with, it's who you go home with. (Although in the movie's original ending Andie ended up with the opposite guy that she ends up with here. Which ending works better is up to the viewer.)

SOME KIND OF WONDERFUL: PRETTY IN PINK gets a sex change and a flip-side ending. This time the story is about a middle-class teen artist type named Keith (Eric Stoltz). He has a crush on rich girl hottie Amanda Jones (Lea Thompson) who is totally "out of his league".  He doesn't understand why just because she's more beautiful, wealthy and popular than him they can't get a little somethin' going on. His best friend is middle-class cute drummer girl Watts (Mary Stuart Masterson). She keeps telling him over and over again that he and Amanda are not meant to be. He's too stupid to see the real reason Watts doesn't want him going out with Amanda: Watts wants him for Watts! The day he finally works up the nerve to ask out Amanda she has just had a big fight with her snotty, wealthy boyfriend Hardee. When she bumps into Keith and he asks her out she accepts, just to throw piss and vinegar at Hardee. On their date Keith finds out that Amanda is not as high and mighty and untouchable as he had thought. He also learns a few things about himself. And, of course, he learns a few  things about his buddy Watts.

THE BRADY BUNCH MOVIE: '90s spoof and homage to the classic TV show.  This movie re-caps all the hilarious things that happened on the show: Marcia dumps nice boy to go out with hot boy and gets her nose smashed by a football, the kids perform in a talent show for a cash prize, Jan struggles with Marcia Envy and, best of all, Davey Jones sings "Girl, Look What You've Done To Me" at a school dance!

A VERY BRADY SEQUEL: A man shows up at the Brady household claiming to be Carol's long-lost first husband. He's really an imposter scheming to steal the priceless antique horse statue in their living room. He kidnaps Carol and takes her to Hawaii and the whole family goes to get her back. And, oh yeah, Greg and Marcia share a room and then some.

FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH: One of the funniest '80s Horny-Teens-On-The Make movies of all time. Jennifer Jason Lee is good-girl-wanna-be-bad Stacey. Phoebe Cates is...well...very stunning when coming out of a pool to THE CARS music in slow motion. And Judge Reinhold? He's hysterical whether busy pleasuring himself in an unlocked bathroom or fighting with obnoxious customers at the fast food joint he works at: Angry Customer: I wasn't  a hundred percent satisfied!  Judd: I'll kick a hundred percent of your a**!   Don't get me started.  I can quote and re-hash the whole thing for hours: A sign of a good movie.

EASY MONEY: Jennifer Jason Lee again! This is the best Rodney Dangerfield movie ever made. It's the one where he stands to come into easy money if he can fight off life's little temptations (Smoking, drinking, eating, sex, etc.) Has some laugh-out-loud moments and very funny lines: "If we show you two odds will you show us your end?", " Why don't the two of you get together and make an a** out of yourselves?", "I'm Da Man!"  If you haven't seen this movie these lines are wasted on you. Go rent it now.

AMAZON WOMEN ON THE MOON: Little TV show, movie and commercial parodies.  My favorite skits are Ed Begley Jr as The Invisible Man and David Alan Grier as Dave "No Soul" Simmons, a black man born without Soul.

YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN: Mel Brooks has a lot of good movies. Most people favor BLAZING SADDLES. Not me, I will go for YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN every time. Once again, you can watch and re-watch and quote and re-quote it. It's that good. "Wanna' roll in the hay? It's fun! Roll, roll, roll in the hay!"

BILL & TED'S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE: Teen idiots Bill Preston and Ted Logan (Alex Winter and Keanu Reeves) are more concerned with getting Eddie Van Halen to play in their garage band than they are with their school work. Sadly, if they don't do a kick-a** job on their oral report for their History final not only will they flunk, but Ted's uptight a**hole father will send Ted away to the Oats Military Academy in Alaska. Then the band will never have a chance to be famous! They find a time travel machine disguised as a telephone booth in the parking lot of a CIRCLE K convenience store. They hop in and travel through time, wrangling great figures from History such as Joan Of Arc, Billy The Kid, Abraham Lincoln and Socrates. When this was in theatres I watched the Hell out of it. It was my ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW. Every weekend I'd go see it. Sometimes more than once. Keanu Reeves, Total Babe, starred in it. That just added to it's many charms. It's also very funny and has a great soundtrack.                                                                       

THE LAST AMERICAN VIRGIN: This is one of those un-sung '80s Teen Sex Comedies that gets pushed aside by stuff like PORKYS. I prefer LAST AMERICAN VIRGIN. I think it's funny and even a little bittersweet. No tacked-on happy endings here!  It's about.....now here's a surprise...three teenage guys trying to lose their virginity. I know, it's a smarmy premise...but it's funny too. And  the movie also has a good '80s soundtrack to boot! LAST AMERICAN VIRGIN stars '80s beauty Diane Franklin. It also features the best a capella love song a teen boy ever drunkenly sang to his frumpy middle-aged neighbor :"Goodnight, Mrs Roswell ". It  also has a very funny seduction scene involving a fat girl and a bowl of potato chips. Rent this gem and laugh.....until you cry.

WEIRD SCIENCE: There are these two geeky guys (Anthony Michael Hall and Ilan Mitchell-Smith)  who can't get any respect. Or any p*ssy. One day while watching THE BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN they decide that their luck would change if they could create the perfect woman that would walk around in skimpy outfits and do their bidding. So they hook up a Barbie doll, feed a computer full of pictures, ideals and measurements, put bras on their heads and command lightning from the sky and...surprisingly, this works! They create Kelly LeBrock! Now what do you think their first order of business would be? To get laid, right? Nope. They take a shower with her and then head out to a black nightclub. When they get home she kisses one of them. And he gets laid, right? Nope. I think the theory here is if you give a man a fish you feed him for one day but if you TEACH a man to fish you feed him for a lifetime. This Beautiful Creature teaches them how to get the girls they want...which they eventually do....during a house party they have in which the whole house gets destroyed.

JUST ONE OF THE GUYS: There's this hot chick named Terri (Joyce Hyser) who enters a high school essay contest and doesn't win. She suspects it's because she's a girl and everyone see's her as "just a pretty face". She chops off all her hair, starts dressing in her brother's clothes and enrolls in a new school as a boy named Terry. She looks like a New Wave version of Ralph THE KARATE KID Macchio. She pretty much fools everyone into believing that she's a dude, including a horny teen temptress named Sandy (Sherilyn Fenn) who gets a crush on her and a cute, low-key, dorky guy named Rick (Clayton Rohner) who she gets a crush on. In the meantime, she has to keep things running smoothly with her college boyfriend who knows about none of this and thinks she just got a really bad haircut.  '80s movie charactor that steals the whole movie and gets all the funny lines: Terri's brother Buddy (Billy Jacoby) who is fifteen and dying to lose his virginity.                                                                                                      

SECRET ADMIRER: '80s cutie  C. Thomas Howell is Michael. He has a crush on beautiful Deborah (Kelly Preston). Unbeknownst to him, just-as-pretty tomboy best friend Toni (Lori Loughlin) has a crush on HIM. One day he finds a love letter in his locker and convinces himself that Deborah wrote it. He decides to write her one back. He gives the letter to Toni to give to Deborah. Toni reads it and decides it's pathetic. She puts it to the side and writes another beautiful, romantic love letter that sends Deborah over the moon when she reads it. The misplaced love letter gets passed around and everyone who comes across it thinks it's meant for them. Will Michael end up with the shallow, snotty, b*tchy Deborah or the cute-as-a-button sweetheart Toni. Well...duhhhhh! (It ends real cute though).

BETTER OFF DEAD: John Cusack plays Lane, a teenage guy who is totally obsessed with his girlfriend Beth (Check out the hangers in his closet!) He's getting ready to go on a ski trip with her when she decides she'd rather go with another guy who is a better skiier.(It was the '80s: People were shallow). He decides he's going to kill himself (Hence the title). None of his schemes actually lead to his demise. While all of this is going on the fat schmuck next door's family has gotten a hot little foreign exchange student (Diane LAST AMERICAN VIRGIN Franklin) who is pretending she doesn't understand a word of English. She befriends Lane and they start working on fixing up a broken down Camaro together and ....Well...if Diane Franklin can't make you forget your shallow b*tch x-girlfriend, I don't know what can!

THE SURE THING: It's the '80s and John Cusack is Gib, the teen boy who can't get laid. (Oh come on now: If John Cusack had gone to my school he woulda' been done proper.....and often!) Well anyway, he's got this friend away at college in California who is bragging about all the putang he's scoring. Just to rub salt in the wound he mails Gib a picture of Nicholette Sheridan with the words "The Ugliest Girl In California"  written on the back. Now, told that this hot bimbo is a "sure thing" waiting for him, Gib decides to road-trip over to California to claim that piece of a**.  He carpools with uptight, cute girl Alison ( Daphne Zuniga) who is going to visit her uptight boyfriend. Will love bloom? Well, duhhhh.....

* This was a recurring theme in '80s flicks: The guy would have an ultimate fantasy lay who was usually blonde, stuck-up and b*tchy and a gal pal brunette who was '80s movie "Plain Jane". In the hour and twenty five minutes it took for the guy to hook up with the blonde he would realize he was really in love with the brunette. Of course, '80s movie "Plain Jane" looks like Lori Loughlin, Diane Franklin and Daphne Zuniga.........so the guy in the movie would still ended up getting finer women than anyone in the audience would ever get!

* An exception to the "Blonde = Bitch, Brunette = Angel" Teen Roamntic Comedy Formula is SOME KIND OF WONDERFUL. The blonde, Watts is the heaven sent angel and the hot, unobtainable goal is redhead Amanda Jones. Unlike most of these movies, Amanda isn't a total b*tch, she's just NOT Keith's destiny while Watts looks pretty good "wearing Keith's future".

EDDIE MURPHY: DELERIOUS: Give props to Eddie: The man could fill a pair of leather pants...nicely! He was hilarious too.Too many hilarious quotes and funny moments to re-hash because basically everything he says in DELERIOUS is a riot. I would love to tell ya' all about the OZ-style love going down between THE HONEYMOONERS' Ralph Kramden and Ed Norton. For the faint of heart I will just censor myself down to this: "Mwwwahhhhh! Hummina-hummina-hummina!", "Way to go there, Ralphie Boy!"

EDDIE MURPHY: RAW: Not as funny as DELERIOUS ...(What IS?!)) but still funny.

THE NUTTY PROFESSOR (1996): No Jerry Lewis here, Folks (Thank, God!): It's Eddie Murphy as kind-hearted but morbidly obese Professor Sherman Klump, a teacher and scientist who has the family curse of lovin' to eat and bulking up because of it. When Professor Klump meets a young, slim, attractive teacher named Carla Purty (Jada Pinkett Smith) he's instantly smitten with her. The two really hit it off but Sherman worries that becaue of the size difference romance will never bloom. He's been doing experiments on a weight loss formula using lab animals. When he sees that the formula actually seems to be working he desperately trys it out on himself and turns into Buddy Love, a thin, good looking man with the kind of way-too-confident personality that Sherman thinks women want. But will Carla be happier with a thin, cocky Buddy Love or with a chubby, sweet Sherman? Eddie Murphy pulls off a tour de force performance here as every member of the Klump family except for  the "Hercules! Hercules!" little boy. Who knew fart jokes could be so damn entertaining?! A roaringly funny comedy with the all important message that looks don't matter and it's all about what's on the inside. (And, yet, the love interest is played gorgeous 85 lb. Jada Pinkett Smith!)

THE WEDDING SINGER: Adam Sandler plays Robbie Hart, a wedding singer who used to be the singer in a VAN HALEN cover band. He gets stood up at his wedding because his girlfriend realizes that she doesn't wanna marry a wedding singer who lives in his sister's basement. He meets a waitress named Julia (Drew Barrymore with a Jane Jetson hair-do) who is set to marry a greasy Guido who would f*** the crack of dawn. Will they end up together? Of course! Steve Buscemi has the movie's greatest scene as a drunk guy making a speech at his brothers wedding: "Whose the Best Man now?!"

HAPPY GILMORE: Adam Sandler...again! This time he's Happy, a hockey player with a bad temper. He starts playing golf . But still with a bad temper. So bad, in fact, that he gets in a fist-fight with Celebrity Golfer Bob Barker ("The price is wrong, b*tch!") For that scene alone it is worth the rental fee.

THE HOT CHICK: Because of a mix-up involving cursed earrings no-good thief Rob Schneider switches bodies with a pretty, young, shallow Barbie-type (Rachel McAdams). Now she has to live the life of a teenage girl in Rob Schneider's body. Very funny.

DEUCE BIGELOW, MALE GIGILO: Rob Schneider is hired to clean a smarmy gigilo's aquarium. He accidentally breaks it.  He has to find a way to get the money to replace it. Of course, being the gorgeous piece of man he is, he decides to sell his body. This movie was panned for being offensive to too many people: Narcoleptics, people with Tourette's Syndrome, women with huge feet and hugely obese black men who like to dress in drag, to name a few. But that doesn't stop it from being laugh-out-loud funny.

VALLEY GIRL: Deborah Foreman is Julie, a totally popular, pretty Valley Girl. She's going out with a jerk named Tommy that she wants to break up with. Her friends won't let her cuz he's totally buff and totally popular and etc., etc., etc. One day on the beach Julie see's cute punk Randy (Nicholas Cage, who I've hated in every other movie I've ever seen him in but this). Randy's best friend dweeby punk Fred overhears Julie's friends talking about a party they are going to be throwing. The guys decide to crash it so Randy can meet Julie. They show up at the party and promptly get thrown out. Randy shimmies up a drainpipe, goes through a bathroom window and waits in the bathroom for Julie to show up. Now I never thought such a romantic scene could take place in a bathroom but it does. "Love My Way" is playing and Julie comes into the bathroom to fix her make-up (Thank God she didn't go in there to take a crap) and Randy pops out and they, like, gaze at eachother and fall in love. They start dating and Julie's friends are not supportive. They want Julie to break up with Randy and get back together with Tommy in time to be Prom King and Queen. Will true love prevail?  This movie doesn't just have  the most awesome '80s soundtrack ever...it has two! So if you don't already own MUSIC FROM THE MOTION PICTURE VALLEY GIRL and MORE MUSIC FROM THE MOTION PICTURE VALLEY GIRL get yee on eBay.

HEAVEN HELP US: This movie takes place in Brooklyn in the '60s at an all boy Catholic school called St Basil's. The new student is Michael Dunn (Andrew McCarthy). His family hopes for him to one day become a priest. It doesn't seem to really be in the cards though. He likes girls too much. All the guys at St. Basil's do. They're a real horny group! Michael makes friends with an obnoxious smarty-pants named Caeser who is a big, fat nerd who can't praise himself enough. He believes he's the smartest person in the school and never stops pointing it out to others. Of course, this insures him many an a**-kicking. The class trouble-maker is a kid named Rooney (Kevin Dillon, stealing the movie) who is always schemeing and playing pranks.The other two guys they hang out with are quiet Corbet (Patrick Dempsey) and horny big fan of masterbation Williams (Stephen Geoffreys). They sometimes hang out in a soda shop near the school where they try to think of ways to survive in school, ways to have fun and ways to somehow get laid. A teen girl named Danni (Mary Stuart Masterson) works at the soda shop  and Dunn takes a liking to her. The other guys set their sites on the girls who go to the nearby Catholic all girl school. This movie is a very funny slice of life teen tale.

 GREASE: Quite possibly the best movie ever made. Olivia Newton John is Sandy, an Australian girl who has a summer fling with American boy Danny (John Travolta). When school starts at Rydell High he is surprised to see that  she is now a student there. He has to put up a cool front in front of his posse. Sandy is aghast that the nice boy she met on the beach is acting like such an a**hole! Sandy's a prim and proper virginal type who isn't fitting in all that well with Danny's cool friends and the troublesome bad girls at school. She does the only logical thing: She gets a makeover and turns herself into a "Come And Get It, Big Boy" hooch!

WILLY WONKA AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY: Poor boy Charlie Bucket lives in a crowded little house with his widowed mother and two sets of grandparents who can't get out of bed. He works after school as a newspaper delivery boy. His extra dough goes to a nasty candy habit. No NESTLE or HERSHEY here, Folks, all the best candy comes from Willy Wonka's candy factory. "How does he do it?" No one knows and everyone wonders. A few years back when spys came into the factory to figure out Wonka's secrets he got disgusted and shut the factory down. He just recently re-opened it. Nobody can figure out who is helping him run the place. No one is ever seen going in or going out. I will throw a Spoiler at you here: The place is run by freaky deaky little folk called The Oompah Loompahs. They are scary as Hell. They also have a tendency to break into song and dance. This insures they will steal every scene they are in. Well anyway, Wonka has a contest. There will be golden tickets stashed in a few bars of candy and the lucky finders will get a tour of the factory.Charlie ends up being one of the winners and he takes his Grandpa Joe with him to tour the factory. Of course, Charlie is a well behaved gentleman of a child and all the rest of the kids are obnoxious little brats. But don't worry: The obnoxious will get their come-uppance! I will not ruin it by telling you the torture the young 'uns are dealt. This movie scared the crap out of me when I was a kid and probably is the reason I love Horror movies today.      

LITTLE DARLINGS: Angel (Kristy McNichol) is a foul-mouthed bad-a** teen who is sent to an all girl sleepaway camp. On the bus she meets uptight, rich girl Ferris (Tatum O'Neal). They instantly hate eachother. Among dissing eachother, food fights and such the girls find themselves in the middle of a contest: Who will be the first one to score and get laid? Half the girls in the camp bet on Angel and the other half bet on Ferris. Angel sets her sights on hottie Matt Dillon (Ahhhh-ooooh-gah!) and Ferris sets her sights on older man Armand Assante. I'm sure there are some uptight folks who are upset with the plot of this movie but I says we have been watching movies about teen boys trying to lose their virginity for years. What's good for the goose is always good for the gander. Oh, Sheila.

NIGHT SHIFT: Henry "The Fonz" Winkler is Chuck, a put-upon shmoe who works at the city morgue. He's just been demoted to working the dreaded night shift. There he is forced to work with crazy idea-man Bill who comes up with such brilliant get-rich-quick schemes as selling the idea to feed live fish mayonaise so people won't have to make tuna salad to STARKIST. Chuck also has a fiancee who is obsessed with losing weight for their wedding. Because of this she is constantly working out, sneaking food and unable to have an orgasm or even say the word. Chuck's whole life changes when he meets Belinda (Shelly Long) a hooker with a heart of gold. He first meets her when she comes to identify the body of her dead pimp at the morgue. The next time he meets her she's in her apartment across the hall entertaining a customer who plays loud, lousy, Country music. When Chuck and his fiancee go to complain about the noise a huge guy in a cowboy hat, Western boots and a pair of tighty whities answers the door followed by Belinda who is in lingerie. Chuck's fiancee is aghast when she realizes Chuck and Belinda know eachother. She asks what Belinda's business is. Chuck tells her that she sells cowboy hats. "That man was in his underwear" Chuck's fiancee says. "And cowboy underwear" Chuck replys. When Chuck one day finds Belinda beaten up in the apartment building elevator he starts to worry about her now that she doesn't have a pimp to take care of her. He tells Bill who comes up with the idea that the two of them should become Love Brokers and run a call girl service out of the morgue. The idea takes off and the money starts rolling in. Everyone is happy but Chuck, who is feeling guilty, popping Alka Seltzers and losing handfulls of hair. He laments to Bill that "Female human beings are rolling around in strange beds with strange men and we are making money from that" to which Bill remarks" Is this a great country or what?" Things are further complicated when Chuck and Belinda fall in love. And into bed. This doesn't stop her from showing up to go whoring the following morning. I know the premise sounds seedy but it's really very funny. You'll just have to trust me on this one.

TOOTSIE: Hysterical and pleasantly pleasing comedy in which Dustin Hoffman portrays New York actor Michael Dorsey. He's having a hard time getting hired because he's too short, too old, too young, too this, too that...it's always something. One day his actress friend Sandy tells him about an audition for a soap opera and Michael decides to dress up as a woman and audition. He gets the role. But now he's stuck spending half his time as actress Dorothy Michaels. This is not always easy. Especially when he's working on the soap with lucious Jessica Lange. (Where DOES he keep that boner?) Jessica's a single mother who has a bit of a problem with tipping the elbow (Glug, glug, glug) and she's looking for Mr Right. Of course, Michael thinks he could be Mr Right if he could just lose the dress. Very funny movie from start to finish. Even Bill Murray, who has a tiny role in it, shines!

DETROIT ROCK CITY: "The Other KISS Movie". (The first one being KISS MEETS THE PHANTOM OF THE PARK. See Cult Classics). This movie pays sweet tribute to the '70s, KISS, and Die Hard KISS fans. It's about four guys in a garage band who are trying to get to a KISS concert. Every time they luck into KISS tickets something happens and they're temporarily foiled. But they are determined. Nothin' will stop them from seeing their heroes! This movie has a formula that can't fail: KISS is in it. The soundtrack boasts KISS music, cover versions of KISS music done by other bands and some other '70s rock chestnuts. The guys in it are cute. The story is funny. And, best of all, you will find yourself routing for these guys because I'm sure if you look back into your youth you can think of at least one band you used to feel this way about....and maybe still do.

SERIAL MOM: Curse words are not neccesarily funny. But somehow when they're being spouted from a source we're not used to seeing curse they can be a laugh riot. I really enjoyed watching respected actress Kathleen Turner curse a blue streak in SERIAL MOM, one of John Waters more mainstream comedys.  She's homemaker and prim and proper super mom Beverly Sutphin who has a spotless home and impeccable Emily Post manners. But unbeknownst to her husband (LAW & ORDER's Sam Waterson) and her kids (Talk show queen Ricki Lake and SCOOBY DOO's Shaggy, Matthew Lillard) she has a nasty little habit of "cleaning up the neighborhood". If someone doesn't recycle, wear a seat belt, brush after meals  or (God Forbid) put the white shoes away after Labor Day Beverly gets mad enough to kill. And does! I was very surprised to see Rock Queens L7 in a club scene . They're just the icing on this demented, silly cake.  But they are not the only celebrated musicians here: BARRY MANILOW is apparently Beverly Sutphin's favorite crooner!

SPLASH: Twenty years ago on a Cape Cod family vacation a little boy named Alan jumped off a boat because he saw a little mermaid girl swimming under the water. His parents rescued him, much to the dismay of the little mer-girl.  Twenty years later and it's Modern Day New York City and Alan is a grown up (Tom Hanks). He's in the fruit business with his no good brother (John Candy). His live-in girlfriend has just moved out on him because he can't say "I Love You". It's Alan's belief that he isn't capable of loving anybody and something must be wrong with him. He gets drunk and depressed at a friend's wedding and decides to take a taxi cab from New York City to Cape Cod, the only place he was ever truly happy.  There he falls out of a tug boat and because he can't swim he almost drowns. He's saved and brought to land by the mermaid, now grown-up and gorgeous (Darryl Hannah).  Alan is rescued. The mermaid finds his wallet on the ocean floor and, using a map from a sunken ship, heads to New York to find him.  The mermaid shows up naked at The Statue Of Liberty.  It seems that when she's not wet she can sprout legs and other good human stuff.  The police take her to a precinct and the only I.D. she has on her is Alan's wallet so they get in touch with Alan, who takes her home and makes sweet love to her repeatedly even though she can't speak a word.  When Alan goes to work the next day the mermaid learns to talk and shop at BLOOMINGDALES by watching TV.  The mermaid, now named Madison after a street sign in Manhatten, never tells Alan that she's a mermaid, only that she has a "secret" and that she has only a few days to spend in New York before she must go home forever never to return. Alan assumes she has problems with Immigration. Meanwhile, during all this, a scientist/ mermaid hunter (Eugene Levy) is out to get Madison wet to prove that he's not nuts and that mermaids really do exist.  Will true love prevail?  This movie is really sweet and endearing and the end song "Love Came For Me" by RITA COOLIDGE is a real tear-jerker. Plus this movie is responsible for thousands of little girls born after 1984 being named Madison!

BIG: A twelve year old boy, tired of being ridiculed for being a shrimp, makes a wish on a carnvial fortune teller machine to be "big" and wakes up in the morning with a twelve inch penis. Just kidding. He wakes up in the body of a thirty year old man (Tom Hanks). Only his best friend knows that it's really him. They get the boy-in-a-man's-body Josh a room in a seedy skid row hotel and a low-man-on-the-totem-pole data processing job at a toy store called MacMillans. One day his boss sees him clowning around at F.A.O. SCHWARZ  (Do not try to duplicate these scenes in F.A.O. SCHWARZ: They WILL throw you out.) His boss gets a kick out of his child-like views of the world and promotes him. So now he has a great job and a bitchin' loft. He also gets deflowered by an attractive female co-worker. And yet, he finds himself wishing to go back to being a kid again. Go figure. Very funny, heart-warming, feel good movie.

13 GOING ON 30: BIG gets a sex change. It's the '80s and pre-teen Jenna is not satisfied with the way the cool kids treat her . Or mistreat her, On her thirteenth birthday she makes a wish to be thirty, flirty and thriving. She wakes up seventeen years in the future to find herself in the body of her thirty year old self (Jennifer Garner). She has a great job, a fabulous Manhatten apartment, a naked hockey star boyfriend (Who does a hysterical strip tease to "Ice, Ice Baby") and everything else she's ever wanted. She goes in search of her childhood best friend Matt (Mark Ruffalo) who is less than thrilled to see her. It seems that Matt had harbored a secret crush on Jenna and after she dissed him at her birthday party they haven't been friends since. In fact, Jenna's not that nice a grown up: Blowing off family, drinking too much and being a back-stabbing b*tch at work. But this all changes as Jenna lives a thirty year old's life with the heart and mind of a child. (Haven't you always wanted to break into the THRILLER dance at a company party? I guess it depends on how much you've had to drink!)  Jenna is determined to right the wrongs she's made with Matt so that she can have a happy ending. This is a movie I went into thinking I would hate and ended up thoroughly enjoying. It has a real '80s feel to it.

EIGHT DAYS A WEEK: Stop me if you've heard this one before: Young teenage loser wants to lose virginity to hot girl-next-door. Okay: So it's not gonna win any prizes for originality, but this formula sometimes works and sometimes falls flat on it's face (Remember SCREW BALLS? Didn't think so). The kid hero here is Peter and he's had a crush on hottie neighbor Erika (Kerri Russel) since childhood when she taught him how to flip people off. She's going off to college after summer ends and so he is told by his grandfather that he must pursue her with all that he's got if he wants to win her....uhhhhh...hand. So he decides to camp out in front of her house all summer long until she decides to give him a tumble. He doesn't set up a tent or anything. He just sits in front of her house pining away and noticing the odd behavior of his neighbors (Think BETTER OFF DEAD). All the while Erika is seen defying her bible-thumper parents and sneaking out to date an obnoxious, hunky jerk. But Peter is determined and as time goes by he and Erika develop a sort of Romeo and Juliet relationship where they have heart to heart talkswith her at her bedroom window while he sits on her lawn. Very funny and avoids being too cutesy. Check it out.

REALITY BITES: In this '90s Gen X comedy Lelaina (Winona Ryder) has just graduated from college, valedictorian of her class. Now she's working as a production assistant on a cheesy talk show called Good Morning Grant.  In her spare time she follows her three slacker friends around with a camcorder interviewing them and taping them doing such things as visiting the free AIDS test clinic and getting trashed and singing songs from SCHOOLHOUSE ROCK.  Her friends are: Vicky (Janeane Garrofolo) a '70s obssessed GAP worker who sleeps around and then worrys about the consequences. Troy (Ethan Hawke) a good looking slacker drop-out in a band called "HEY, THAT'S MY BIKE". And Sammy (Steven Zahn) who is an in-the-closet gay trying to work up the nerve to tell his parents about it.  One day, while cruising in a convertible with Vicky, Lelaina throws a lit cigerette out of the car and it lands in the car of yuppie Michael (Ben Stiller) causing him to get in an accident. Instead of sueing Lelaina, they somehow start dating, much to the chagrin of her friends who just can't imagine him joining in on their GOOD TIMES Drinking Game or hanging out at seedy clubs watching Troy's band do THE VIOLENT FEMME'S covers....with THE VIOLENT FEMMES!  Michael works for an MTV wanna-be station called "In Your Face" and has an interest in using Lelaina's videos to make a show for his network. Unfortunatley, the final product ends up being one of those cheesy REAL WORLD-type shows that Lelaina hates.  A love triangle develops between Lelaina and nice suit and tie guy Michael and whiney dead end loser Troy. I've never been sure who to route for here. I'm sure girls under twentyone will want Lelaina to end up with tortured soul poet Troy. Anyone whose ever had to make a rent payment would definatley side with dependable Michael.

SCHOOL OF ROCK: Past-his-prime, wanna-be-Rock-star Dewey (Jack Black) gets kicked out of his garage band. Desperate to find a way to pay the rent he intercepts a phone call for his room mate who is a substitute teacher and shows up to teach the class in his place. When he overhears the kids in his class during Music class he decides to train them to become his Rock band so he can win a Battle Of The Bands contest. I have to admit I went in to this movie with low expectations (Not a big Jack Black fan) and left pleasantly surprised. Very funny, good soundtrack and leaves the viewer feeling pretty good. For those about to rock: We salute you!

HOLLYWOOD SHUFFLE: Robert Townsend stars as Robert Taylor a black actor who is having a hard time finding roles because he's "not black enough". He doesn't want to sell out and play black sterotype parts such as slaves, butlers, pimps and street hoods. Then again, he doesn't want to spend the rest of his life working at the Winky Dinky Dog hot dog stand either. (Winky Diny Dog is the proud maker of "hoe cakes"....cuz hoes gotta eat too!)  The only repsected black actor Robert and his friends have to look up to is Batty Boy, star of America's Favorite TV Show THERE'S A BAT IN MY HOUSE! ( "Can a black bat from Detroit find hapiness with a white suburban family?")  In between auditions for demeaning roles Robert daydreams about the kinds of roles he'd like to see himself in: An instructor for a Black Acting School that teaches Jive Talking 101, a SISKEL & EBERT-like movie critic hosting a show caled Sneaking In The Movies, a black private eye named Sam Ace, c*ck diesel war hero Ram-bro.  This movie is very funny and very quotable. Batty, batty, batty!

I'M GONNA GIT YOU SUCKA: Keenan Ivory Wayans's masterpiece parody of '70s Blaxpoitation movies (A ripe subject matter to be lampooned seeing that most Blaxpoitation flicks that were made with serious intent were unintentionally funny anyway!) When Jack Spade's brother June Bug gets mixed up with the wrong crowd and ends up dead from an O.G. (Over Gold) Jack comes to town to settle the score. He looks up his mother's old boyfriend, retired crime fighter John Slade, a brother so cool he has his own theme music literally follow him down the street. All heros got to have theme music! This movie touches all the '70s Blaxpoitation bases: It has Anthony "Huggy Bear" Vargas as Fly Guy, one time winner of the Pimp Of The Year Award who wears huge hats and platform shoes with goldfish in the heels and recites poems such as "My B*itch Better Have My Money". There's also Kung-Fu Joe, black martial arts expert: "Master of Kung-Fu, Karate, Ju Juitsu and a whole bunch of other sh*t you don't even know". And, last but not least, there's ISAAC HAYES as Hammer, who runs a rib shack and has a fight with a very young, very cheap Chris Rock: "One rib!" Very funny.

THE FULL MONTY: Out of work steel mill workers in England decide to make money by becoming male exotic dancers. It doesn't matter that they're a little long in the tooth, out of shape and none too aesthetically pleasing. They vow to give all to their audience. Unlike those other hoity toity male strippers at CHIPPENDALES they are going to show ALL. The nuts and the bolts. The "Full Monty". Hysterical, feel good movie with great soundtrack. Our heros strut to such strip-tease classics as DONNA SUMMER's Hot Stuff and TOM JONES's Leave Your Hat On.

WEEKEND AT BERNIES: Two dumb-a** best friends (Johnathon Silverman and Andrew McCarthy) are thrilled to get invited to their boss's vacation home. What they don't know is it's all a set-up so the boss can have them bumped off. Lucky for them (I guess) the boss himself gets bumped off instead. They show up at his fabulous beach house and find the dead body. Should they call the cops? Of course not! What fun would that be?! They rig Bernie up in a variety of poses so that anyone who visits the guest house will think Bernie's still alive and just being really, really quiet or totally smashed drunk. This, of course, is a really silly premise that shouldn't work but...guess what....IT DOES! The movie is funny enough that you don't put too much thought into things like "Why isn't Bernie stinking and attracting maggots while sitting on the beach?" It matters not. All that matters is the yuks just keep on comin'!

PORKYS: Teen milestone movie that we used to hear our classmates who were lucky enough to have snuck into it titter about in the back of the classroom. It's the '50s and a bunch of high school guys are trying to get laid, trying to get into Porkys strip club, trying to peep the girls in the ladies' gym shower and such. All I really needed for this review were two words: "PORKYS" and "Shower" and you would have known what I was talking about. The blue print for all Teens Trying To Get Laid flicks.

WISE GUYS: Harry Valentini and Moe Dickstein (Danny Devito and Joe Piscopo) are two life-long best friend schmoes who work for a small time crook named Mr Costello. Part of their low-man-on-the-totem-pole duties are picking up the bosses groceries and dry cleaning and starting up his car to make sure it doesn't have a bomb in it. One day Harry and Moe are brought to a horse racing track by Frankie "The Fixer" Acavano (Captain Lou Albano in the role he was born to play) so they can put a ten thousand dollar bet on a horse for The Boss. Harry, thinking that the horse can't possibly win, puts The Boss's money on a preferred horse so that when it wins he and Moe can run off with the winnings and open their dream restaurant: An Italian-Jewish delicatessan. What Harry didn't realize is that the race was fixed and The Boss's horse does win.  Now Harry and Moe are f*cked.  Instead of just having them killed The Boss tells Harry to kill Moe and tells Moe to kill Harry so that he can see which one will give up their loyalties first.  Instead of bumping eachother off Harry and Moe steal Frankie The Fixer's car and credit card and head off to Atlantic City where they treat themselves to luxuries such as a hotel suite, matching luggage sets, clothes, jewelery and massages. "Thank youuuuuuu, Mr Acavano!"

MY CHAUFFER: Deborah Foreman is Casey Meadows, a cute and perky nobody dish washer who dresses like a MADONNA wanna-be circa the Like A Virgin period. Her big break comes when she's summoned by hoity toity Mr Witherspoon to be the first female driver for the Brentwood Limousine Company which, up until now, has only had uptight, proper, stodgy gentlemen drivers.  As a sort of hazing process they make sure Casey gets all the less desirable jobs such as making sure a beligerent, wasted rock star named Cat Fight and his bevy of half-naked groupies make it to a concert. On the drive past a park Cat Fight and his pack of bimbos spot a blue haired woman in a blue dress walking a blue dog ("20,000 points!") and decide they just have to have the woman's underwear. What follows is a scene that could have easily been lifted from a John Waters movie. Hysterical. Trust me. In the midst of picking up customers nobody else wants to deal with and fighting off auto theft Casey meets a difficult, rich, good looking guy named Battle (Sam J Jones) who has just broken up with his girlfriend. It's okay though: She smelled funny. Battle proceeds to get drunk and go streaking through the very same park that Cat Fight molested the blue woman and her dog in. After a night of watching Battle scream, run naked, puke his guts out and pass out cold Casey realizes that she's inexplicably attracted to this fool. Will Mr Big Stuff allow himself to fall in love withg "The Help"? Seeing that "The Help" is adorable '80s Valley Girl  Deborah Foreman how could he stop himself?!

FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF: Teenager Ferris Bueller (Matthew Broderick) lives by the motto and words of infinite wisdom that "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in awhile you could miss it". He decides to play sick, ditch school, round up his best friend and girlfriend and have an adventure. His parents all too easily fall for his sick act. His school principal and older sister, who both hate him, aren't as easily fooled and are out to catch him in the act. When my friends and I used to cut school we used to drink beer by the train tracks. Ferris, his friend Cameron and his dishy girlfriend Sloan "borrow" Cameron's father's sports car (Which Cameron's father never actually drives, just wipes with a diaper), go to a fancy restaurant, visit a museum, end up in a parade and such. Meanwhile all the kids at Ferris's school are having a Save Ferris campaign believing he really is sick. The sportos, the motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, waistoids, dweebies and d*ckheads all adore him. They think he's a "righteous dude". I saw this movie with my friend Raina and we left the theatre singing THE BEATLES' Twist And Shout, which Ferris lip synchs in the parade scene. Her parents wanted to have us drug tested! I guess not being fifteen years old they had no idea what a testament to the human spirit FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF was.

PROBLEM CHILD: John Ritter is a put-upon husband whose b*tchy wife wants a child mainly because all the neighbors have kids and they don't. She feels her not having one is causing her to miss all the best neighborhood partys. When they find out they are unable to have children the old fashioned way they consider adoption. The husband sells the wife on the idea by telling her that picking a kid out of an orphanage is just like shopping!  The orphanage saddles them with Junior, an ugly, mean spirited hellion who was passed from family to family as an infant and finally left in an orphanage run by nuns who he tormented relentlessly.  Soon after Junior is brought home everyone starts to realize he's evil incarnate. Everyone, that is, but the father, who is convinced that there must be some good in Junior somewhere.  Junior steals, sets fires, ruins a neighbor girl's party, raises Hell on a camping trip and bats someone in the balls during a little league game. He's also pen pals with a prisoner named The Bow Tie Killer (SEINFELD's Michael Richards) who escapes jail and goes looking for "J.R.", unaware that it's pronounced "Junior" and that it's just a little kid.  A lot of people found this movie to be totally offensive. Alls I know is this: I laugh my a** of every time I watch it and I watch it whenever they play it on TV. That's the highest praise I gan give.

SHORT TIME: Dabney Coleman is a police officer named Burt Simpson (Ar, ar). His partner's name is Ernie. Burt and Ernie (Ar, ar, ar). Anyway, Burt is about to retire in a few weeks. When he goes for a company physical his urine sample gets switched with someone else's and he is wrongly diagnosed with a fatal disease. Now he's worried that when he dies he will be leaving his X-wife and son with very little money. However, if he dies in the line of duty they will be financially covered for life. So he decides it makes the most sense to get himself killed in the line of duty and he spends the rest of the movie TRYING to get killed!

A CHRISTMAS STORY: This Christmas-themed movie is so funny that you can watch it any time of the year and enjoy it. The tale of a little boy named Ralphie's 1940's childhood and his quest for the ultimate Christmas present, a RED RYDER b.b. gun. Everyone, from his parents and teacher to "Santa" himself, warns him that he'll "shoot his eye out" but he will not be deterred from his dream. Has many memorable scenes such as the tongue stuck to lamp post, the leg lamp in the front window, the Little Orphan Annie decoder ring bust and many others. Totally charming and utterly hilarious.

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In the '80s there were a rash of Movies To Jerk Off To: They were usually about high school or college girls showering and / or walking around locker rooms half-naked...or even whole naked! (PORKYS, PRIVATE SCHOOL (FOR GIRLS) , etc.) Guys usually loved these movies and girls were hugely disappointed in the lack of hot male cinema provided for them. Well, there are a few good flicks with the hottest of the honeys in 'em so I decided to make a list of 'em and call it:

WHOLE LOTTA HONEYS: A LITTLE SOMETHIN' FOR THE LADIES:

#1. THE LOST BOYS: Great Googly Moogly!  A feast for the eyes with an astounding cast of good looking men to ogle. Kiefer Sutherland! Jason Patric! A dateless Friday night? Watch this and foam at the mouth. Ahhh-ooooo-gah!!!!

#2. THE OUTSIDERS: Matt Dillon, Total Babe. Good boys, bad boys, misunderstood boys, big brothers who told ya' not to rumble. They're all here in this '80s man-fest. A cast of cute boy royalty: Matt Dillon, C. Thomas Howell, Rob Lowe, Patrick Swayze, Ralph Macchio...all here! It's like a TEEN BEAT explosion.  I remember the highlight and disappointment of this movie was waiting for Pony Boy and Johnny to kiss.They never did, hence the "disappointment".( What? You mean I was the only one???)

#3. LITTLE DARLINGS: Young Matt Dillon. Ssssssmokin'! Armand Assante is in here too if you dig on the older gentlemen. But not for me, I can't get past Matt. He's a major distraction. Which leads us to #4.

#4. Any '80s movie with Matt Dillon in it. Matt Dillon is a Total Babe.(TEX, OVER THE EDGE, etc.)

#5. HOT RESORT: Johnny Depp, Total Babe, runs naked through a hotel lobby. Did I mention he's naked? Reason enough to rent it.

#6. THE RIVER'S EDGE: I don't remember what the rest of the cast looks like, just that Keanu Reeves is one hot papi.

#7. BILL & TED'S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE: Did I mention Keanu Reeves is one hot papi? Rent anything with Keanu Reeves. He's a doll baby. Total Babe.

#8. THELMA & LOUISE: Even if you fast forward through all the parts Brad Pitt's not in, the parts he IS in: Oooh beh beh. Total babe.

#9. PLATOON: A sad, sad movie that makes me cry...but I still feel compelled to point out how fine Charlie Sheen looks in this movie! Total babe. And BONUS BABE: Not far behind him is Johnny Depp lurking in the bushes!

#10. YOUNG GUNS: How to get me to watch a Western? Put a lot of hot guys in it! Charlie Sheen! Kiefer Sutherland! Woo-ha! Giddyup!

#11. QUEER AS FOLK: It's Raining Men! Hallelujah! I call this show SEE HAL NAKED.  I have a huge crush on Hal Sparks. The chances that he will drop his clothes in any given episode of QUEER AS FOLK is nine to ten in the favor that he will. I like them odds! The rest of the cast is not too shabby either. Buy the DVD sets and marathon watch.

WHOLE LOTTA HONEYS HALL OF FAME * :

Jim THE DOORS Morrison

David THE PARTIDGE FAMILY Cassidy

Donny Osmond

Scott CHACHI Baio

John Taylor, Simon LeBon and Roger Taylor  from DURAN DURAN

75% of the guys who have been in MENUDO

Sting

Eddie Van Halen

Matt Dillon

C. Thomas Howell

Rick Springfield

Randy Rhoads

Rudy QUIET RIOT Sarzo

Charlie Sheen

James Spader

Harrison Ford

Johnny Depp

Kiefer Sutherland

Treat HAIR Williams

Armand LITTLE DARLINGS Assante

Michael 16 CANDLES Schoeffling

Craig FIRE WITH FIRE Sheffer

Val Kilmer

Jeremy THE HOGAN FAMILY Licht

LL COOL J

George Clooney

Richard Greico

Joey Lawrence

Brad Pitt

Keanu Reeves

Mel Gibson

Bruce EVIL DEAD Campbell

Michael INXS Hutchence

John Stamos

Mario SAVED BY THE BELL Lopez

Edward TERMINATOR 2 Furlong

Jon BON JOVI

Tommy Lee and Nikki Sixx from MOTLEY CRUE

Brett POISON Michaels

Sebastian SKID ROW Bach

DEF LEPPARD

Blackie W.A.S.P. Lawless

Lars METALLICA Ulrich

Leonardo Dicaprio

Lenny Kravitz

Greg Kinnear

Hugh Jackman

Galen PASSIONS Gering

Marcus Schenkenberg

Gavin BUSH Rossdale

Mark SUGAR RAY McGrath

Hal QUEER AS FOLK Sparks

Gale QUEER AS FOLK Harold

Michael Ian Black

Wayne Brady

Orlando Bloom

 

* Some of these people may not STILL be hot but were at one time truly hot and lucious and Mmmm Mmmm Good!

 

 

 

 


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