***** MUSIC: BEST OF, WORST OF TABLE OF CONTENTS *****
* MY TEN ALBUMS FOR A DESERTED ISLAND
* MY TOP TEN HAIR METAL BANDS OF ALL TIME
* MY FAVORITE BANDS / ARTISTS LIST
* MY WORST....SONGS....EVER!....LIST
* GOOD SONGS, BAD LYRICS! (With a salute to THE VILLAGE PEOPLE)
* MAMAMIASWEETPEACHES' MUSIC TO MAKE LOVE TO
* MAMAMIASWEETPEACHES' ALL-TIME FAVORITE VIDEOS
* MY TEN ALBUMS FOR A DESERTED ISLAND:
Okay, so I'm on this deserted island with Hal Sparks and we somehow have a radio that will never run out of batteries.
What CDs do we bring? .
1. PINK FLOYD: THE WALL
2. OZZY OSBOURNE: BLIZZARD OF OZ
3. JOAN JETT: GLORIOUS RESULTS OF A MISSPENT YOUTH
4. AC-DC: HIGHWAY TO HELL
5. DEPECHE MODE: VIOLATOR
6. GUNS N ROSES: APPETITE FOR DESTRUCTION
7. RAMONES: RAMONESMANIA
8. BOB MARLEY: LEGEND
9. METALLICA: KILL EM ALL
10. VAN HALEN: Untitled first album
* MY TOP TEN HAIR METAL BANDS OF ALL TIME:
# 10. TWISTED SISTER: By far the homliest hair band to ever fall out of the '80s. As much hair, hairspray,
makeup and spandex these guys used they weren't getting any prettier.
Shining Moment: STAY HUNGRY album
Serious Credibility: Aside from rock anthems "We're Not Gonna Take It" and "I Wanna Rock" they had lesser-known gems
such as "Captain Howdy" and "The Price"
Sheer Cheesyness: Any album after COME OUT AND PLAY
# 9: QUIET RIOT: Loud-mouthed trouble maker Kevin DuBrow fronted this head-banging bunch (Dare I say they coined
the phrase:"Bang Your Head"?!) Kevin was the least pretty of the bunch but he had plenty of in-your-face take-it-or-leave
it attitude to spare.
Shining Moment: METAL HEALTH album
Serious Credibility: Real musicians and OZZY almuni Randy Rhoads and Rudy Sarzo
Sheer Cheesyness: Metal band or not, Kevin DuBrow had no right wearing so much spandex
# 8. DOKKEN: Watch an old DOKKEN video and ask yourself this:" Do those guys look comfortable dressed like
that?" I know they were trying to keep up with the times, but Don Dokken never quite pulled off the eyeshadow, Aquanet, spandex
thing all that convincingly. The only one who came close to Pretty Boy was George Lynch...and he could really play guitar
Shining Moment: TOOTH AND NAIL album
Serious Credibility: George Lynch's guitar playing
Sheer Cheesyness: They looked like they were wearing things they bought at a MOTLEY CRUE Rummage Sale
# 7. WHITESNAKE:Before becoming synonymous with the Heavy Metal Ballad WHITESNAKE could really rock! Think back
to "Still Of The Night". It's downright ZEPPELIN-esque!
Shining Moment: WHITESNAKE album
Serious Credibility: Good musicians such as OZZY Alumin Rudy Sarzo and Tommy Aldridge
Sheer Cheesyness: Too many ballads and cheesy Tawny Kitaen videos
# 6. RATT: Another one of those bands where the least pretty guy of the bunch was the singer. So let's drape
none-too-gorgeous Stephen Pearcy in bandanas, spandex, scarves and leather pants. (Lord, I hope now that the '80s are over
he put some clothes on!) But I'm being really rude when you consider how much I dug them at the time. I always thought
they were under-rated. Maybe their look stole something from their music's credibility.
Shining Moment: INVASION OF YOUR PRIVACY album
Serious Credibility: I would say "Round And Round", but didn't that video star Uncle Miltie?
Sheer Cheesyness: Too much makeup. They just weren't pretty enough to be whoring themselves up like that
# 5. BON JOVI: Yes, the lead singer was hot and had the absolute best haircut in the history of Rock but,
truthfully, BON JOVI had such a rep for being hot ....but aside from Jon and maybe Richie Sambora on a good day would
you really wanna' sleep with any of the other guys in the band?
Shining Moment: SLIPPERY WHEN WET
Serious Credibilty: They never met an Arena Rock Anthem they didn't like
Sheer Cheesyness: I saw them in concert and Jon Bon Jovi's dancing is on par with Richard Simmons' excercise moves. SKID
ROW opened for them and blew them away!
# 4. DEF LEPPARD: And the award for Worst Luck In A Metal Band goes to....... DEF LEPPARD. Amputations, alcohal
poisonings...Wow, at what price fame? It's like they made a deal with The Devil for fame and then tryed to welch on
the deal. People like to rag on DEF LEPPARD but, hairspray aside, they were a really rockin' band!
Shining Moment: HIGH AND DRY, PYROMANIA, Rick Allen learning to play one-armed-drums
Serious Credibilty: Could YOU persevere after all those tragedys?
Sheer Cheesyness: After "Love Bites" became a hit they sort of leaned toward the obvious rock ballads
# 3. MOTLEY CRUE: When I saw the "Smoking In The Boys Room" video that was it: They changed the way I
dressed, did my hair, did my makeup, etc. I just wanted to be like them so bad! They had style and looked damn good!
Shining Moment For Music: TOO FAST FOR LOVE
Shining Moment For Fashion: THEATRE OF PAIN
Serious Credibility: They rocked. Especially Tommy Lee playing the drums upside down
Sheer Cheesyness: Marrying all those BAYWATCH bimbos. Not knowing when to put the spandex away (Doesn't Vince Neil know
when he's having a fat day?) and above all for sheer cheesyness: Tommy Lee's lyrics for "Brandon". Ick-a-poo!
# 2. POISON: Well, for Prettiest Band they win. They had the best hair, the best makeup, the coolest
clothes...it was sheer magic. Don't believe me? Have you ever seen C.C. DeVille without makeup? No wonder he wore it
for so long!
Shining Moment: LOOK WHAT THE CAT DRAGGED IN
Serious Credibilty: "Every Rose Has It's Thorn"
Sheer Cheesyness: Too pretty for their own good. It wiped out thier music's credibility
# 1. GUNS N ROSES: I'm sure a lot of people don't consider them in the same Pretty Boy ranks as POISON, but c'mon Folks,
you remember the "Welcome To The Jungle" video, don't you? Axl had teased b*tch hair and red lipstick on! Duff McKagan
and Steven Adler had bleached blonde VIXEN hair. And the only reason Slash wasn't dolled up was because he was too damn ugly
to do anything with but hide behind dark shades, a big hat and a lot of black leather. POISON beats them out in the
Pretty Poll but for Best Hair Band GUNS N ROSES gets my vote.
Shining Moment: APPETITE FOR DESTRUCTION album
Serious Credibility: Enough public brawls to let you know the Angry Young Males thing was not just a facade.
Sheer Cheesyness: When I saw Stephanie Seymour in the "November Rain" video I thought we were in for another
Tawny Kitaen-David Coverdale celluloid love affair (I wonder if they kick themselves for putting their then-girlfriends in
their videos...I mean, they ain't together now!)
*One Gripe: Gee, Axl, for such a tough guy you sure threw a lot of hissy fit tantrums!
I hope nobody reads into this the wrong way. I really love all these bands, still listen to their music and
have seen nine out of ten of them in concert. I just think that as cool as they are you sometimes catch one of their
old videos, see the fashion and think "Geez, what were we all thinking?"
* MY FAVORITE BANDS / ARTISTS LIST:
ALISON MOYET / YAZ
ALY & AJ
THE BEASTIE BOYS
DEAD OR ALIVE
EARTH WIND & FIRE
ELECTRIC LIGHT ORCHESTRA
GUNS N ROSES
JOAN JETT AND THE BLACK HEARTS
KC AND THE SUNSHINE BAND
OLIVIA NEWTON JOHN
PET SHOP BOYS
POLICE / STING
RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS
STEVE MILLER BAND
TEGAN AND SARA
* MY "WORST........... SONGS........... EVER!" LIST:
THE ABSOLUTE WORST TRULY TERRIBLE SONG:
* Detachable Penis - KING MISSILE: They used to play this stupifyingly bad song on Hard Rock radio stations. It's dumb
non-rhyming lyrics aren't even funny. And the guy doesn't actually sing: He dead-pan speaks the "lyrics" while the other guys
in the "band" thud "Detachable Penis" as the chorus."I woke up with a bad hangover and my penis was missing. This happens
all the time. It's detachable" our hero sings. It's all downhill from there.
"I saw my penis lying on a blanket next to a broken toaster oven.
Some guy was selling it. He wanted twenty two bucks for it but I talked him down to seventeen".
* Ice Ice Baby - VANILLA ICE: With the first few notes of this song you may fall into a false sense of security thinking
you are about to hear the QUEEN and DAVID BOWIE song "Under Pressure". Then a clearly white and obnoxious rapper commands
you to "Stop! Collaborate and listen! Ice is back with another invention" The "invention" he speaks of is the art of
thieving the musical riff from a better song and putting it to dopey white boy wanna-be rapper lyrics. Now known as
"sampling" we true Americans recognize it for what it really is: Plagiarism.
"If there's a problem, Yo, I'll solve it
Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it"
* American Pie - MADONNA: "The day the music died" indeed. When Don McLean wrote this anthem about the plane crash
that killed The Big Bopper, Richie Valens and Buddy Holly I don't think he had future intentions of it being sung by a pop
tart who is better known for her sexual shenanigans than her abilty to play a musical instrument. Madonna taking a Rock &
Roll song written about Rock & Roll and putting it to a techno machine-manufactured beat is a disgrace to McLean, Valens,
Holly, The Bopper and all fans of Classic Rock.
" I knew that I was out of luck the day the music died"
* I Love Rock & Roll - BRITNEY SPEARS: When asked why Spears chose to do a cover of this Hard Rock classic she chirped that
she was such a big fan of PAT BENATAR. That alone merits a slap in the face. Taking this Rock anthem and putting
it to a Pop dance track would have serious rockers thirsting for Spears' blood.
"I Love Rock & Roll, Y'all!" (Just kidding)
* Macarena - LOS DEL MAR: Every few years there is a dance craze that becomes inescapable. So popular that everywhere
you go: Bars, partys, weddings, you hear it. You hear it so often that you want to rip the ears from your head rather than
hear it ever again. So it is with this Latino-inspired idiot dance. By the time you learned all the dance steps you had decided
that you never wanted to hear the song ever again.
* Achy Breaky Heart - BILLY RAY CYRUS: As with "Macarena" this was a dance hit that could not be stopped.
This is from the '80s when line dancing had a brief moment of chic. Sung by mullet-headed tight-jeaned country yokel BILLY
RAY CYRUS this song actually had a dance that went with it:"The Achy Breaky".
"But don't tell my heart, my achy breaky heart, I just don't think he'll understand. But if you tell my heart,
my achy breaky heart' he might just blow up and kill this man".
* Hott In Here - NELLY: The first time I heard this song on the radio I thought it was a parody song. Images of the people
from the TV show IN LIVING COLOR doing this song as a spoof danced through my head. When I found out this song was for
real I was more than a little bit disgusted. Anyone who finds the lyrics "It's getting hott in here, so take off all your
clothes" sexy is as cheesy and depraved as the Dudley Moore charactor in FOUL PLAY.
"I am getting so hott I'm gonna take my clooothes off"
* I Am Woman - HELEN REDDY: A '70s anthem about female empowerment. This song just didn't know when to quit. It's almost
like one of those old black & white Sci-Fi movies where the male astronauts land on a planet inhabited by an all female
race that killed it's men and live a happy all- women lesbo existence.
"But I'm still an embryo with a long, long way to go
Until I make my brother understand"
* Pac-Man Fever - BRUCKNER & GARCIA: Oy. You know a fad has gone to new heights when it manages to inspire someone
to write a song about it. As if someone writing a song about the video game Pac-Man wasn't scary enough this song
actually got played on the radio and performed live on SOLID GOLD. "Pac-Man Fever" is a hokey novelty hit that, if you're
lucky, you'll never have to hear again.
"I'm gonna fake it to the left and move to the right
cuz Pokey's too slow and Blinky's out of sight"
* I'll Be Missing You - PUFF DADDY: Steal (or "sample") a great THE POLICE song"Every Breath you Take" and add self-serving
lyrics about one of your friends in the biz who died recently. As to not totally rip off THE POLICE they changed the
lyric "I'll be watching you" to "I'll Be Missing You". You won't know who to be madder at: PUFF DADDY for committing
this sin or THE POLICE for selling him the rights!
"Us in six shop for new clothes and kicks
you and me taking flicks, making hits"
* Rico Suave - GERARDO: One hit wonder who doesn't even seem to have a full grasp on the English language sings about
the type of woman it would take to satisfy a sexy rich and suave man beast like him. One look at buff long haired wig-wearer
GERARDO and you'll quickly realize that if video didn't exist neither would this song.
"My only addiction has to do with the female species
I eat 'em raw like sushi"
* I Need Love - LL COOL J: I was never a fan of LL's rapping but I was in good "What the f*ck?" company with his fans
when tough guy LL came out with this ballad in which he sang about his lonely times he spent alone in his room thinking about
the perfect girl that would make his life complete. He needs love, you see. The worst part of this song was the nursery music
box melody that plays during the chorus.
"I wanna kiss you, hold you, just love you,
never scold you,
suck on your neck, caress you, rub you
and never be alone"
* Just A Friend - BIZ MARKIE: Every once and awhile you hear a song on the radio and think "Damn, if this guy can get
a record contract than so can I". So is the case with "Just A Friend". BIZ MARKIE can't rap, can't sing, can't dance,
and isn't good looking. I'm not even sure he knows how to dress himself. But he thinks making fun of himself is funny. He
also think his corny attempts at humorous lyrics are funny. By the time he gets to the purposely bad chorus of "You got what
I need" you'll find yourself wondering who he knew to ever get signed in the first place.
"A fella tongue kissin' my girl in the mouth
I was so in shock that my heart went down South"
* Brandon - MOTLEY CRUE: A song Tommy Lee wrote about his son What scares me is that he has, of this writing, TWO sons:
Brandon and Dylan (Like BEVERLY HILLS 90210 much?) Does this mean that one day we will be bombarded with a terrible song
called DYLAN? Only time will tell.
Tommy Lee is a lot of things to a lot of people: He can play drums like nobody's business and he also, apparently, is
a real stallion in bed. A song writer? No.
This schmaltzy song does not belong anywhere near a MOTLEY CRUE album.
"I love you. I love her. She is your mom."
* Feel It - TAMPERER : This is a dance hit with a good Disco beat that they "borrowed" from an old JACKSON FIVE song that
will have you boppin' your head. Until you realize how stupid the lyrics are. About a woman who catches her man cheating
she says of the other woman (Repeatedly) "How's she gonna look with a chimney on her?" HUH?!
"Howwww's...sheeee...gonnna...loooook...with....a chimney onnnnnn herrr?"
* Sugar Shack - JIMMY GILMER & THE FIREBALLS: Clearly the lyrical inspiration for the B-52'S "Sugar Shack" ("There's
a crazy little shack beyond the tracks and everybody calls it The Sugar Shack") Jimmy sings of the crappy coffee house that
he hangs out in because he has a crush on the waitress who works there. His plan for wooing her?:
"I'm gonna drink a lot of coffee, spend a little cash
make that girl love me when I put on some trash
you can understand why I gotta get back
to my Sugar Shack"
* Hungry For Your Love - HANSON & DAVIS: One of the worst Freestyle songs ever. A smarmy lothario sings that he's
starving for sex and that "sexually we will be". Turn you on? This song will make you want to throw up.
"I've been waiting all night for you to come
I'm infatuated by you. May I please have some?"
* Diamond Girl - NICE & WILD : Another dance song where a would-be lover sings about how he knows this girl is the
one because she "fits right 'round my finger, I'm so proud to have me in ya' " As if that wasn't bad enough a voice right
out of a Horror movie seethes "Yesss! Yesss!" as our hero sings "Oooh Ahhh Diamond Girl!"
A Spanish girl goes "Ai ai ai" and makes orgasm sounds during the "solo".
* Music - MADONNA: Once again a song about music from the person who seemingly knows the least about it. MADONNA sings
about how the power of music can make a dull life livable. "Music" is such an obvious rip-off of "When I Hear Music"
that DEBBE DEB should sue.
"Music mix the bourgeouisie and the rebel"
* Naughty Girls Need Love Too - SAMANTHA FOX: SAMANTHA FOX borrows FULL FORCE from LISA LISA and comes up with this: A
bumper sticker catchphrase trying to pass itself off as a song. "Naughty Girls Need Love Too" should have been an
anthem for bad girls everywhere but the lame lyrics are so obviously written for and about SAMANTHA FOX:
FULL FORCE: "SAMANTHA FOX is such a wild dame"
SAMANTHA: "Hmph! But what's in a name?"
FULL FORCE: "Sa-sa-samantha. Sa-sa-samantha Fox!"
* Pump Up The Volume - M.A.R.R.S.: An annoying dance song filled with obnoxious headache inducing sound bites and the
lyrics pumped in over and over again: "Pump up the volume, pump up the volume, pump up the volume, dance dance!" More teeth-grinding
music samples until the finale which announces..............
* Tom's Diner - SUZANNE VEGA: When you hear SUZANNE VEGA chances are you will instinctively wanna run out of the
room. Never more than when she's singing (or talking) the lyrics to "Tom's Diner". Read this...don't sing...read in a constant
stream with no attempt at rhyming or reasoning: "I am sitting in the morning at the diner on the corner I am waiting at the
counter for the man to pour the coffee and he fills it only half way and before I even argue he is looking out the window
at somebody coming in."
This song could have gotten lost but somebody dug it out and used it in a dance song (Oh...think hard enough and you'll
realize you know it: Do do doodoo- do do doodoo)
"I'm pretending not to see them
Instead I pour my milk"
* Wannabe - THE SPICE GIRLS: The first time I heard this song I thought it must be SALT & PEPPA or TLC when I heard
the shrill "I'll tell ya' what I want, what I really, really want"
A bunch of girls not bothering with harmonys take turns singing a song about how the new boyfriend better know the deal
and get with her friends and give not just take. These are the rules he must obey if he wanna be her lover.
Sounds like you and four of your friends singing into brushes at a fifth grade slumber party.
"I wanna really really really wanna zigzag ha"
* 2 Way - LIL ROMEO: "I wanna rock right now! I'm ROB BASE and I came to get down!"
That's what you're expecting to hear. Only this isn't the (Bad enough) ROB BASE version. It's a watered down Kool Aid
kiddie version done by little boy rapper LIL ROMEO, who alters lyrics to fit being a little kid.
"My love won't cost a thing, like J. LO"
* Aaron's Party - AARON CARTER: Just like LIL ROMEO recycling an '80s dance hit beat, so does AARON CARTER. He uses the
beat from THE YOUNG MC's "Bust A Move". (I guess ROMEO and AARON figure their ten year old fans are too young to remember
the '80s versions!) In "Aaron's Party " a Junior High age boy laments about a party he threw while his parents were out
of the house. What is the terrible thing that happened at this party: Did someone bring drugs? Break into his parents liquor
cabinet? No, but someone spilled juice on a sofa cushion. The horror!
"I turned around and another kid broke the lamp
Was it expensive? They got them in France
For now I won't sweat it, I'll clean it up later
There's a Honey over there
And I really wanna meet her"
* Jenny from The Block - J. LO: Owner of the jewel-encrusted toilet seat lets us know that she hasn't changed one
bit since her Bronx childhood. Those of us who know she never goes anywhere without a limo, an entourage of at least twenty
people and a wealthy boyfriend/ fiancee/ husband on her arm have to laugh. But even if we believed a word of it
the lyrics are so piss poor that we'd be laughing anyway.
"Don't be fooled by the rocks that I got
I'm still, I'm still Jenny From The Block"
* Having My Baby - PAUL ANKA:What a lovely way to show a man you love him: By having his baby. A whole lotta' schmaltzy
and even a wee bit creepy.
"You're havin' my baby....."
* Fly Robin Fly - SILVER CONVENTION: A Disco instrumental with the lone lyrics "Fly Robin Fly up up to the sky" popping
up every few minutes.
"Up up to the sky!"
* Mambo # 5 - LOU BEGA: Bad lyrics put to an already exisiting piece of music. LOU sings about the many girls that he's
seeing and what they're good for (Think of bad poetry you used to write in Junior High about the kid in class
you liked). Oddly enough, this song was a huge hit. I think LOU BEGA even got a Best New Artist award for it!
"A little bit of you makes me a man"
* Brand New Key - MELANIE: Apparently in the old days there was something called a "rollerskate key" that one used
to tighten their skates. I did not know this: An older person had to clue me in. That said, this song is about a girl who
doesn't know how to drive a car yet so she bicycles and skates past her old boyfriend's house day and night. And why does
she do this? Is it because she still loves him? Wants to reconcile? Maybe wants to get a look at his new girlfriend? Nah!
She just wants to borrow his skate key because she's "got a brand new pair of rollerskates" and he's "got a brand new key"
She wants tighter skates, I guess.
As if the song wasn't already doomed by stupid lyrics MELANIE chooses to sing the chorus in a herky-jerky spasmic
tone that sounds like TINY TIM having a seizure. (Remember TINY TIM? We'll get to him later!)
"I rode my bicycle past your window last night
I rollerskated to your door at daylight
It almost seems that you're avoiding me
I'm okay alone but you've got something I need
I got a brand new pair of rollerskates
You got a brand new key"
* Tiptoe Through The Tulips - TINY TIM: The most femme-sounding male falsetto in the history of the world strums a ukelele
and sings about inviting a love interest to tiptoe out a window, into a garden and through the tulips where he plans to get
fresh. Do I even have to tell you that "TINY" weighed about three hundred pounds?
"Knee-deep in the flowers we'll stray
We'll keep the showers away
And if I kiss you in the garden
In the moonlight, will you pardon me
And tiptoe through the tulips with me"
* They Don't Care About Us - MICHAEL JACKSON: This song originally contained the lyrics "Jew me, kike me, you don't like
me". When that caused an uproar MICHAEL JACKSON changed the lyrics. Even with that priceless piece of prose removed the
song is still a howler. Once black, now pretty much white, MICHAEL sings of the plight of the black man. At one point he makes
the laughable statement "Kick me, strike me, don't black or white me", which is sort of ironic seeing that he pretty much
made HIMSELF black and white! Personally, my favorite part of the song is the lyrical genius "Everybody dog food". Mmmmmmm!
Anyone else feelin' hungry?
"In the suite, on the news
Everybody dog food
Black man, blackmail
Throw your brother in jail"
* Anything from the HOLE: PRETTY ON THE INSIDE album: Courtney Love snarls incoherently while the band tunes
their instruments and plays distortion. Some people actually praised this album calling it "raw art". Let's call a spade a
spade, Folks: It's crappy at best, 100% sh*t at worst.
"When I was a teenage whore"
* Muskrat Love - THE CAPTAIN & TENILLE: This might actually be worse than "Detachable Penis", I have to think about
Ever wish someone would write a song about two rodentia that go dancing, fall in love and marry? Thankfully, somebody
did. And THE CAPTAIN & TENILLE be damned, they sing a version of it. Retch to lyrics like:
"Muskrat Susie, Muskrat Sam do the jitterbug in Muskrat Land
and they shimmy
Sam is so skinny"
(As far as I know they end the song getting married. Gives animal lust a bad name. Now excuse me while I go throw
* Mr Personailty - 20 FINGERS: Ever wonder what it would sound like if TLC's Lisa "Left Eye" Lopez joined a Grunge
garage band? It might sound a lot like 20 FINGERS. The female singer here has a grating irritating voice and she speaks shrilly
opposed to actually singing (Think of a drunk who can't sing at karaoke night not taking "No" for an answer) The band is pretty
poor too. Here they "borrow" a beat from TONI BASIL's "Mickey" and lyrics that are just plain terrible. In "Mr
Personality" our heroine shouts obnoxiously about a guy so ugly she wonders "Is that your face or did your neck throw
up?" which might be amusing if we hadn't been reading it off bumper stickers for the past twenty years. The song is chock-full
of corny groaners such as that. Observe:
"You're so ugly your dad had to tie a porkchop
Around your neck to get the dog to play with ya' "
* Short Dick Man - 20 FINGERS: Groan. It's 20 FINGERS again. This time complaining about a man with a small penis.
Like the aforementioned "Mr Personailty" the zingers aren't really that clever or funny unless you're in the third grade and
think that hearing the word "dick" in a song is a laff-riot. There's no way, drunk or sober, to find this song funny...or
"Isn't that cute? An extra belly button
You need to put your pants back on, Honey"
* Camel Toe - FANNY PACK: An ode to vaginal lippage sung by women who sing so poorly they couldn't get in 20 FINGERS.
"Could not believe my eyes, had to take a second glance
Is your crotch hungry, Girl? Cuz its trying to eat your pants"
* No Scrubs - TLC: One of the most pompous crimes you can commit in song writing is trying to invent a word or catchphrase.
TLC is guilty of this one. "Scrubs" was not a word in the English lingo (Except for the "scrubs" that doctors wear)
until TLC declared "A scrub is a guy that thinks he's fly and also known as a Buster". They go on to describe a guy who lives
at home with his Mom, doesn't work, doesn't pay child support for his...ummm..."shorties" and rides in a friend's car yelling
cat calls at girls walking by. I still refuse to use the word "scrub": Here is my list of acceptable words for a guy
like that: A pig, a dog, a dirtbag, a dick, a weenie, an a**hole, a schmuck or, as our parents would say, a ne'er-do-well.
"I don't want no scrub
A scrub is a guy who cant get no love from me
Hanging out the passenger side
Of his best friend's ride
Tryin' to holler at me"
* Everybody Have Fun Tonight - WANG CHUNG: Not as-big-as-THE BEATLES WANG CHUNG trys to slip their band name into
a song chorus!
When WANG CHUNG came out there was debate over what the Hell WANG CHUNG actually meant. Was it something dirty? The
band said "No". When they came out with a lame party anthem that told us "Everybody have Fun Tonight, Everybody WANG CHUNG
tonight" it opened up the question of what the band's name meant all over again. If "Wang Chung" wasn't an expression for
masterbation tor having sex then what the Hell did it mean? And if they were just immortalizing themselves a
place in music history by putting their name in a song, well, they weren't quite popular enough to be pulling that
" I drove a million miles to be with you tonight
So if you're feeling low turn on the radio"
* Nookie - LIMP BISKIT: I hate LIMP BISKIT. To me they embody everything wrong with Metal today. But at least some
of their other songs had Fred Durst attempting to write above a first grade level.
Now I'm not dissing on them because the song might be thought to be obscene or offensive. I just don't find the lyrics
make a whole lot of sense and I'm pretty sure that they used the word "Cookie" because...Well,...it was the only thing these
geniuses could think of that rhymed with "Nookie"!
"I did it for the nookie, the nookie, the nookie
So let me take this cookie and shove it up your a**!"
* Pray - MC HAMMER: Anyone who has read this far knows that I am not a big fan of "sampling". I especially hate it
when it's done poorly. By "poorly" I mean when the music and the lyrics don't mesh together well. This is the case with MC
HAMMER's "Pray" a song he put to the music of PRINCE's "When Doves Cry". In this song MC HAMMER yells in our faces that he's
very religious and he has to pray! Oh Lord! Pray! Every day!
"We got to pray just to make it today"
* Pumps And A Bump - HAMMER: MC HAMMER decided he wanted to try to be more of a hard-core, lady-lovin'
rapper instead of the fun-lovin' goon in huge parachute pants who sang U Cant Touch This and Pray (See above) and so he switched
his name to HAMMER and found a tighter pair of pants. Instead of singing about his Lord-worshipping ways like he did in Pray,
HAMMER decided to sing about his OTHER passion: Women in highheels who have big a**es!
"Pumps and a bump
Pumps and a bump
We like the girls with the pumps and a bump"
* Who Let The Dogs Out- THE BAHA MEN: The first time I heard this on the radio I could only think one thing: "This
is piss poor". But somehow (Blame sports arenas and childrens birthday partys) this annoying song became a sort of novelty
To children the song is about a party that is going fine until somebody "let's the dogs out". Dogs. Literally canines.
THE BAHA MEN point out that the "dogs" they actually speak of are "dawgs": Skeevy men on the make cruising a
party trying to pick up easy women. Oh yes. THAT makes for a nice childrens song.
"A doggy ain't nothing if he don't have a bone
Whoa, doggy, hold your bone"
* Date Rape - SUBLIME: A pathetic Ska Rock song about a guy who drugs and date rapes a girl he meets in a bar.
This song is just a sick attempt at bad-taste-in-your mouth humor. There is nothing funny about date rape.
The song ends with the rapist in jail getting sodomized as if to say "Ha! There's justice for you". Isn't it nice
for the guys who weren't date raped in the first place to decide what is "justice"?
Oh yeah...the music in the song sucks too.
"if it wasn't for the date rape I'd never get laid"
* Bringin' On The Heartbreak - MARIAH CAREY: Why, oh why, does MARIAH CAREY always sound like she has a
feather up her a**?
Maybe that's fine for the gospelly "Hi-yi-yi" love songs she usually sings. Here she's doing a cover of a Heavy Metal
ballad originally done by DEF LEPPARD! Sacrilege!
Whose to blame here, folks: MARIAH for destroying it or DEF LEPPARD for selling her the rights?
Sittin' lookin' prettyyy-yiii-yiiiiii"
* Anything by P. DIDDY Quite possibly the most untalented celebrity on the face of this Earth. (He ranks somewhere
in there with Anna Nicole Smith and Paris Hilton)
Everything P. DIDDY touches turns to sh*t. And he's got the nerve to touch stuff like LED ZEPPELIN!
While we're at it:
* Anything BY WIL SMITH: "Willennium", anybody? (I hate his movies too.)
* I'd Like To Teach The World To Sing - THE NEW SEEKERS: A song so syrupy sweet it makes your teeth hurt. And then
it makes you retch. Let us not forget the retching.
This song was originally written for a COCA COLA commercial (Oh come on, You remember it: A bunch of idiots
on a hilltop singing about how they'd like to "buy the world a COKE and keep it company" Yeah, Those annoying commercials).
Apparently, people liked this song so much that radio stations were bombarded with requests to play
it and the people behind the commercial got a group called THE NEW SEEKERS to record a radio friendly non-COKE-plugging
version of it.
Now I love peace, love and world harmony as much as the next guy but come on!
"I'd like to buy the world a house and furnish it with love
Grow apple trees and honey bees and snow white turle doves"
Gag gag gag!
* Opposites Attract - PAULA ABDUL & MC SKAT CAT: Not just one of the worst songs of the '90s, one of the
all-time worst videos too. I couldn't hit the clicker fast enough when this sh*t would go on. Hard to believe, Kiddies, but
once for a brief period in the '90s AMERICAN IDOL judge PAULA ABDUL had a singing career. She was red hot with dance tracks
like "Straight Up" and "Cold Hearted Snake". Then this video of her dancing with a cartoon cat came out. Anyone over
the age of nine had to ask "Why?!"
"Two steps foward, two steps back
We go together cuz opposites attract
It ain't fiction just a natural fact
We go together cuz opposites attract"
* Hey, Baby - NO DOUBT: Gwen Stefani is the lone female member of NO DOUBT and to hear her tell it IT SUCKS! Oh,
the horrors her eyes have seen backstage: Everything from floozies trying to sleep with the band to fans just getting in her
face trying to meet her. Don't worry, Gwen: You won't run into ME backstage. Personally, I think you and NO DOUBT blow goats.
"All the boys say "Hey, Baby , Hey, Baby, Hey"
Girls say, girls say "Hey, Baby, Hey, Baby, Hey
Hey, Baby, Hey""
* Hollaback Girl - GWEN STEFANI: Not only is Gwen Stefani apparently channeling a black ghetto girl in this one,
but she's also channeling a teenager in highschool looking to pick a fight with a cheerleader. "Put down your pom poms" she
warns. Songs "highlight" has Gwen seething "Oooh, oooh, this is my sh*t" (That sounds familiar. I think I heard that line
in an underground Asian porno once!) Angry Gwen "growls" like only a five foot white chick can "A few times I've been
around that track, So it's not just gonna happen like that, because I ain't no hollaback girl, I ain't no hollaback girl"
"This sh*t is bananas! B-A-N-A-N-A-S!"
* If I Were A Rich Girl - GWEN STEFANI and EVE: Ugh. Where does the "sampling" end, Folks? Must we really go looking to
the musical FIDDLER ON THE ROOF for lyrical inspiration? I never wanted to hear anyone but TOPOL sing If I Were A Rich Man.
Come to think of it: I don't even really wanna hear HIM sing it!
"Ya da dee da da da dee da da da do"
* Hard Knock Life (Ghetto Anthem) - JAY-Z: Ugh. Where does it end, Folks? Must we really go looking at the musical
ANNIE for lyrical inspiration? JAY-Z raps while a bunch of snot-nosed brats annoyingly sing the chorus that is ripped off
from the play about Little Orphan Annie. Leaping lizards!
"It's a hard knock life for us
It's a hard knock life for us!"
* State Of Shock - MICHAEL JACKSON & MICK JAGGER: Oooh, the excitement! A duet between The King Of Pop and The
King Of Rock! Wait a minute: I thought the King Of Rock was ELVIS PRESLEY. Or OZZY OSBOURNE. Never mind. When an artist manages
to reach the astounding heights of popularity that MICHAEL JACKSON did in his '80s THRILLER days they start wondering
"What can I do next?". I guess a duet with ROLLING STONES front man MICK JAGGER just seemed like a good idea. And it might
have been. If someone had come up with a half-way decent song for them to sing. State Of Shock is just bad all the way around.
Bad music. Bad lyrics. And I don't even like the way they sound together. The marriage is not a comfortable one. (Is ANY marriage
with MICHAEL JACKSON a comfortable one? Lisa Marie?) Anyway, in this duet the two sing (Shout?) about the hot chick who
puts them in "A State. A State Of Shock". The icing on this cake that nobody wanted is MICK JAGGER seething at the finale
"Look at me. Look at me. Look....at...me. LOOOOOK...AT...MEEEEEE".
"You got me paralyzed (You got me paralyzed)
You got me catatonic (You got me catatonic)
You got me supersonic (You got me supersonic)
You got me deep fried (You got me deep fried)"
* Playground In My Mind - CLINT HOLMES: Wow, being a grown-up can really suck. Ever find yourself just day-dreaming
about your younger days? I do. I remember cutting school and getting drunk with my friends behind the railroad tracks while
blasting the latest MOTLEY CRUE cassette on my boombox. When CLINT HOLMES reverts back to his youth he goes a little
further than that. He thinks back to the sandbox days. He remembers being a little kid running around the playground bragging
about the shiny, new nickel in his hand. Hearing an actual seven year old boy singing about a nickel would be grating. So
try to imagine what hearing a middle aged man singing these cutsey lyrics would sound like. Gag me with a spoon:
"My name is Michael, I got a nickel
I got a nickel shiny and new
I'm gonna buy me all kinds of candy
That's what I'm gonna do"
* Most Girls - PINK: Ugh. This song is peppered with lingo that already seems out of date. Words like "Shorty",
"G", and "Bling bling" sound so five minutes ago now, can you imagine what this song will sound like twenty years from now?
It's like when people never thought the word "Groovy" would ever go out of style! In this song PINK sings about how most girls
are looking for a guy who will spend money on them. Not PINK, who refers to herself as "Shorty". "Shorty's got a job, Shorty's
got a car, Shorty can pay her own rent" she boasts. "I don't need no G to take care of me!"
"Most girls want a man with the bling bling
Got my own thing, got the ching ching"
(By the way, if I never hear the words "Bling bling" again it will be too soon!)
Oh, and by the way: Psssssssssssssssssssst! PINK, CHRISTINA AGUILERA and GWEN STEFANI.....Here's a News Flash......YOU'RE
* What A Girl Wants - CHRISTINA AGUILERA: Here's a song CHRISTINA AGUILERA made when she was white. Unfourtantely,
it sounds a little TOO white. It's so corny it's practically a Country song! And , man oh man, is it repetitive. Every time
you here the phrase "What a girl ..." you have to drink a shot. Okay? Go!
"What a girl wants, what a girl needs
Whatever makes me happy sets you free"
* Lady Marmalade (MOULIN ROUGE soundtrack re-make) - CHRISTINA AGUILERA, LIL KIM, MYA, PINK: I actually like the
LA BELLE version of this song ("Giuchie, giuchie, ya ya dada!") but someone had the bright idea to make a sh*tty version of
it for that sh*tty movie MOULIN ROUGE. This is sung by CHRISTINA AGUILERA and her fellow hos LIL KIM, MYA and PINK. The only
thing worse than having to hear this song is having to sit through the video. CHRISTINA AGUILERA looks like a cross between
MARILYN MANSON and DEE SNIDER. Note to XTINA: When you're in a video with LIL KIM and you somehow manage to out-ugly her it's
time to think about a make-over.
"We independant women, some mistake us for whores
I'm sayin' why spend mine when I can spend yours
Disagree? Well, that's you and I'm sorry
Imma keep playing these cats out like ATARI"
* Car Wash (SHARK TALE mix) - CHRISTINA AGUILERA and MISSY ELLIOT: In the '70s there was a crappy movie
called CAR WASH. It had a theme song that was a huge hit. It was one of those rare instances where the song was a huge
hit and the movie, not so much. In the 2000s there was a crappy movie called SHARK TALE. It was about a cartoon fish that
worked at "whale wash". Some genius decided to use the theme from CAR WASH even though there isn't a car to be found in SHARK
TALE. And who did they get to sing and rap it? My favorite, (Not really) CHRISTINA AGUILERA! And MISSY ELLIOT too. They rap
"Ya'll small tuna fish, I'm one big catch", replace the lyric about "No telling who you might meet, a movie star or even an
Indian chief" with "No telling who you might meet, a movie star or even a common thief"(!) and just, well, destroy a song
that really wasn't that great to begin with. (See GOOD SONG, BAD LYRICS section for my review of the original CAR WASH by
"Sharks in the water make they jaws lock
When I swim through the grim I'm too hot"
* Anything by DESTINY'S CHILD. Especially Bootylicious and that crap song from the CHARLIE'S ANGELS soundtrack, Independant
Women Part I.
* Trapped In The Closet - R. KELLY: Everyone wants to give R. KELLY heap big credit for this soap opera put to music
(If you can call the sound of a dripping faucet "Music") in which a man gets caught having a one night stand when the husband
comes home and R is forced to hide "trapped in the closet". This might have been a clever premise for a song if
THE ISLEY BROTHERS hadn't already sung a similar tale in "Contagious" , where a man came home early to hear the squeaky squeaky
of springs and caught his wife having an afternoon delight with a guy it ends up he used to be friends with. As if three and
a half minutes of "Trapped In The Closet" wasn't painful enough R. KELLY just keeps adding "chapters" making the song longer
and longer and all the more excrutiaiting to have to sit through!
""Shh shh ,Quiet, Hurry up and get in the closet" she said
"Don't you make a sound or some sh*t is going down""
*Get Ur Freak On - MISSY ELLIOTT: Hearing this song is the musical equivalent of Chinese water torture. It's God
awful all the way around from the music to the singing to the lyrics themselves. And, oh what lyrics! Where shall I begin?
"Getcha, getcha, getcha, getcha, getcha Freak On"? "Silence when I spit it out, in yo face, open yo mouth, give you a taste"
(Reminds me of "snowballing". Like, ewww!) or, best of all.....
"What da dilly yo
What da drilly yo
You wanna battle me
Then, nigga, let me know"
* My Baby Daddy - B-ROCK AND THE BIZZ: Hmmm. This song sounds an awful lot like THE EMOTIONS's Best Of My Love. No,
wait: That song was actually good. In this song, which will remind you of a MAURY POVITCH Paternity Suit episode, a girl looks
for child support from her deadbeat x-boyfriend who knocked her up. Or did he? She keeps changing her story. She also fights
with her new boyfriend who demands to know "Who that is????"
"Who that it?
That's just my baby daddy"
* Rebirth Of Slick (Cool Like Dat) - DIGABLE PLANETS: I had a hard time finding the lyrics online for this one. That's
because I was not aware the song's title was "Rebirth Of Slick". I thought the title must be "Cool Like Dat". You wanna know
WHY I thought the title was "Cool Like Dat?" Cuz they repeat the words "Cool Like Dat" twenty thousand f*ckin' times! (As
well as the repeated similar phrase "I'm Chill Like Dat" ). When DIGABLE PLANETS came out everyone raved that this band, whose
members had cutsey names like "Doodlebug", "Ladybug" and "Butterfly", were soooo much different than everyone else and
damn well just about "pioneers"! I don't think so. Imagine jazzy beatnik music accompanied with lyrical genius such as "Blink,
blink, blink, blink, blink blink, blink. Think, think, think, think, think, think, think." How DO they do it?! They must have
been up all night writing that! Or up all night doing crank!
" I'm chill like dat
We jazz like dat
We freak like dat
We zoom like dat
* Humpty Dance - DIGITAL UNDERGROUND: Oh, God, who could ever forget the song (And video) for The Humpty Dance,
probably the only song ever written to include the lyrics "I like my oatmeal lumpy". Why? Because it rhymed, damn it!
"My name is Humpty pronounced with an umpty
Oh, Ladies, How I like to frumpty
And to the rappers in the top ten please allow me to bumpty"
It's like DR SEUSS.......only DR SEUSS made more sense!
* If You Wanna Be Happy - JIMMY SOUL: Don't think you know this song? Oh, yes you do. If it started playing right
now you would say "Oh! THAT song!" It's that oldie with a cheerful melody and terrible, terrible lyrics! In the song JIMMY
SOUL warns guys not to marry a pretty girl, they're too much trouble. Marry an ugly a** girl. She'll cook, clean, do your
bidding and, best of all, you won't have to worry about your friends trying to tap that a** behind your back!
"If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life
Never make a pretty woman your wife
So from my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you"
(They play this sh*t at weddings! How abysmal is THAT???)
* I Got A Man - POSITIVE K: A guy trys to pick up a girl who keeps telling him "I Got A Man" to which he "cleverly"
retorts "What's your man got to do with me?"
"I'm not a dog, Baby, so don't play me like a clown
I'll admit, I like how you kick it, Now you're talkin'
Baby, dat's da ticket"
* Milkshake - KELIS: One of the grimmest days of my life was when I witnessed my then nine year old niece dancing
in front of her house singing these lyrics:
"My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard
And their like "It's better than yours"
Damn right it's better than yours
I can teach you but I have to charge"
* It Wasn't Me - SHAGGY: A charming song about a guy who gets caught having sex with a neighbor in every room of
his house by his girlfriend who he was stupid enough to give a key to. His answer to her question of why he was cheating?
"It wasn't me". That was funny twenty years ago when Eddie Murphy said it.
"Honey came in and she caught me red-handed
Creeping with the girl next door
Picture this: We were both butt-naked
Banging on the bathroom floor"
* Angel - SHAGGY: Remember the song Angel Of The Morning by JUICE NEWTON? SHAGGY does. And he's hoping you don't!
Cuz he's putting new lyrics to the music and pasing it off as a song he wrote for the loyal girlfriend who waited for him
while he was in jail: "She was there through my incarceration, I want to show the nation my appreciation" . Awwwwwwww!
"Girl, you're my angel, you're my darling angel
Closer than my peeps you are to me, Baby
Shorty, you're my angel, you're my darling angel
Girl, you're my friend when I'm in need, Lady."
* I Need To Know - MARK ANTHONY: I love the creepy ADDAMS FAMILY-esque music but the repetitive lyrics, about MARC
ANTHONY wondering if it's true some girl is warm for his form (After all: Look at him!), are just sad. And did I mention
repetitive? Did I? I need to know! I need to know! Tell me, Baby Girl, cuz I need to know!
"They say around the way you've asked for me
There's even talk about you wanting me
I need to know, I need to know
Tell me, Baby Girl, cuz I need to know
I need to know, I need to know
Tell me, Baby Girl, cuz I need to know"
* Murder She Wrote - CHAKA DEMUS & PLIERS: A song about that little old lady on TV who solves crimes (Angela
Lansbury)? Not really. Yet another raeggae song where a guy sputters about a cheatin' woman he knows. She fools around with
everyone. Everyone: "Coolie, Chiney, White man and Indian"!
Sample Lyrics: "
"Seh, gal, yuh pretty, yuh face it pretty
But your charactor dirty, Gal, yuh just act too flirty flirty"
* Chop Suey - SYSTEM OF A DOWN: I guess just about any SYSTEM OF A DOWN song could have made it onto this list. Chop
Suey wins the "honor" though because every time I hear it I get a flaming headache from the very first deafening shout of
"WAKE UP!" I didn't realize this song was called "Chop Suey". I thought the title must be "You Wanted To", the phrase they
scream about fifty times in this song. Observe:
"Why'd you leave the keys upon the table?!
YOU WANTED TO!
Here you go create another fable!
YOU WANTED TO!
Grab a little brush and put a little make-up!
YOU WANTED TO!
Hide the scars to fade away the shake up!
YOU WANTED TO!"
* It's My Life - JON BON JOVI: In the '80's and early '90's BON JOVI could do no wrong. They had a string of hits
that were consistently good. Every song was pure, spun gold. Then one day I turned on the radio and heard JON BON JOVI's solo
effort It's My Life and thought "Oh well, the lucky streak must be over". Like Sampson, all of JON BON JOVI's power must have
been in his hair. Or is it just a coincidence that once he got that Jamie Lee Curtis haircut all his music went to Hell (Midnight
In Chelsea anyone?) In It's My Life JON screams about how he takes no sh*t from nobody. Then he starts quoting the obvious:
"I ain't gonna live forever" and how he wants to "live while I'm alive". (Well, duh!) The saddest, most eye-rolling moment
comes when he quotes fellow Jersey boy headbanger FRANK SINATRA!
" It's my life, it's now or never
I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive
My heart is an open highway
Like Frankie said "I did it my way"
I just wanna live while I'm alive
It's my life"
* Have A Nice Day - BON JOVI: Hmmmmmmmmmm. This sounds an awful lot like It's My Life. And that ain't a good thing!
Once again Jon tells us how he takes no crap and lives every day to the fullest .
"Shining like a diamond
Rolling with the dice
Standing on the ledge
Show the wind how to fly
When the world gets in my face
I say "Have a nice day"
Have a nice day"
* Everything You Do (You're Sexing Me): FIONA with KIP WINGER: In the '80s there was a singer named FIONA who was
sort of a cross between TIFFANY and PAT BENATAR. She made bubbly Pop music like Na Na Song. But as the years passed and Metal reached
the height of it's popularity FIONA re-packaged herself as a female Metal singer in the vein of LITA FORD and jumped on the
bandwagon. Some people, like me, weren't buying it. (By the way, ALANIS MORISETTE also pulled one of these unconvincing "from
Pop princess to snarling Rock singer" transformations in the '90s. I didn't buy that one either. I remember YOU CAN'T DO THAT
ON TELEVISION, Alanis!) FIONA's one minor hit was a duet with WINGER lead singer Kip Winger Everything You Do (You're Sexing
Me). What exactly is "sexing"? Is it "f*cking?" I guess they wouldn't let them sing "You're F*cking Me" on the radio!
"You're sexing me"
* All The Things She Said - t.A.T.u: You've heard of the phrase "novelty song", right? Well, All The Things
She Said by t.A.T.u. was a novelty video. A wanna-be lesbian anthem about two little Russian Catholic school girls who are
making out in the rain because their Svengali producer told them it would help sell records. "All the things she said, all
the things she said, running through my head!" is the frenzied, frantic ,Operatic chorus. Remember it now? Vaguely. But you
probably DO remember the two teen chicks kissing, right?
"I'm in serious sh*t, I feel totally lost
If I'm asking for help it's only because
Being with you has opened my eyes
Could I ever believe such a perfect surprise?"
* Cars That Go Boom - L'TRIMM: Groan. Another stupid song with two teen girls screaming about how they'll put out
if the price is right and this time "the price" is your car's gotta be hooked up with all sorts of woofers and tweeters, cuz
they like it LOUD! "Now if your car ain't got it, go out and get it, we like the boom and don't you forget it it!" they tease.
"We like the cars, the cars that go boom
We're Tigra and Bunny and we like the boom!"
* Mr Loverman - SHABBA RANKS: Here's a raeggae singer who lets us know (Repeatedly!) that he is one Hell of a man:
He's a Loverman, he's Mr. Love and he's Champion Lover all rolled into one. Now do I even have to TELL you the song is sung
by the ugliest motherf*cker you ever laid your eyes on? Need proof? IN LIVING COLOR did a parody of the Mr Loverman video
and called it Mr Ugly Man!
"I'm gonna kill you wid it
I'm gonna kill you wid it
I'm gonna thrill you wid it
I'm gonna thrill you wid it!"
* Ain't Nothin' Goin' On But The Rent - GWEN GUTHRIE: Never, NEVER, have I ever, EVER, seen a white woman dance to
this song. It's always been the biggest, blackest women in the bar. Me and my friend Sandy used to go to bars and when this
song would go on we'd try to keep a straight face watching big, black women shake their a**es, wag their fingers and sing
along "Ain't nothin' going on but the rent! Ya got to have a J.O.B. if ya wanna be with me!" Me and Sandy were a little less
discerning. We dated poor boys. We were more concerned with getting sixty-nined than getting wined and dined.
"No romancing without finance!"
* Da Butt - E.U: This is an homage to huge a**es everywhere.
"Tanya got a big ol' butt (Oh yeah?)
Theresa got a big ol' butt (Oh yeah?)
Irene got a big ol' butt (Oh yeah?)
Melissa got a big ol' butt (Oh yeah?)
And Sonya got a big ol' butt (Oh yeah?)
And Shirley got a big ol' butt (Oh yeah?)
Little Keisha got a big ol' butt (Oh yeah?)
Now gimme the butt!"
* Rump Shaker - WRECKX-N-EFFEXT: Another song about admiring huge assets. So ,Ladies, shake 'em if you got 'em.This
song is "Not meant to make you sit, not meant to make you jump, but, yep, make the hotties in the party shake your rump".
"All I wanna do is zoom-a-zoom-zoom-zoom and a poom-poom
Just shake ya rump
All I wanna do is zoom-a-zoom-zoom-zoom and a poom-poom
Just shake ya rump
All I wanna do is zoom-a-zoom-zoom-zoom and a poom poom
Just shake ya rump
All I wanna do is zoom-a-zoom-zoom-zoom and a poom poom
Just shake ya rump"
* Gypsy Woman (She's Homeless) - CRYSTAL WATERS: Crystal sings about the homeless woman she sees begging on the corner
"She's just like you and me
But she's homeless, she's homeless
As she stands there singing for money
La Da Dee, La Dee Da
La Da Dee La Dee Da
La Da Dee La Dee Da
La Da Dee La Dee Da
La Da Dee La Dee Da
La Da Dee La Dee Da"
* The Choice Is Yours - BLACK SHEEP: Song starts out "Can I get a Hey? (Hey!) Now get a Yo? (Yo!) You gotta Hay?
(Huh?) It's for the hoes! (Oh!)". Now repeat the following over and over and over again:
"You can get with this or you can get with that
You can get with this or you can get with that
You can get with this or you can get with that"
* Nobody Knows Kelli - YOUNG BLACK TEENAGERS: The joke here is that group is called YOUNG BLACK TEENAGERS and none
of the guys in the band are black (Slaps knee). YOUNG BLACK TEENAGERS were sort of like THE BEASTIE BOYS, if THE BEASTIE BOYS
lost 98% of their sense of humor and talent. I only remember hearing this song once and I can't find the lyrics for it online,
but that doesn't pardon it from being on this list. It's a song about a guy going to a party with Bart Simpson where they
get Kelly Bundy drunk and take advantage of her. Mr Groening, why did you NOT call a lawyer???
"Kelli's on her belly"
* Diamonds - HERB ALPERT with JANET JACKSON: HERB "Tiajuana Taxi" ALPERT blows his horn while JANET JACKSON
sings "Don't you know diamonds are a girl's best friend? When you go they stay with me until the end?" As if the annoying
song wasn't bad enough the video for it was stink as well.
"They say you need roses but roses do die
You gave me some candy, it melted, nice try
I'm not that demanding, I have simple taste
I just wan't a token that can't go to waste
* What Have You Done For Me Lately - JANET JACKSON: It's that gold-digging b*tch JANET JACKSON again! She's lamenting
that her boyfriend, although fine, is one cheap son of a b*tch! Her girlfriend says "I know he USED to do nice things for
you but what has he done for you lately?" Like the soap opera says"You've got one life to life". The whole song is Janet complaining
that her and her deadbeat beau never go out anymore. This is all accompanyed by the same five notes of music played over and
over again. It sounds like a three year old trying to play a toy piano.
" Used to go to dinner almost every night
Dancing 'til I thought I'd lose my breath (Ah!)
Now it seems your dancing feet are always on my couch
Good thing I cook or else we'd starve to death
Ain't that a shame?"
* Lonely - AKON: Ugh! If you love ALVIN & THE CHIPMUNKS this is the song for you. Anyone else, run for the hills!
Another generic rap, this time about being "lonely" after the girlfriend has packed up and left after taking enough of his
sh*t, put to a sped up chorus taken from BOBBY VINTON's Mr Lonely. Are they serious? Or was this supposed to be funny? The
effort is wasted on anyone old enough to remember playing records on a record player at the wrong speed for a chuckle.
"Never thought that I'd be alone
I didn't hope you'd be gone this long
I just wan't you to call my phone
So stop playing, Girl, and come on home"
* Do I Do - STEVIE WONDER: Don't get me wrong: STEVIE WONDER has had some great tunes, mostly in the "60s and
'70s. But in the '80s he started to lose me with stuff like That's What Friends Are For and Part-Time Lover. I think the stupidest
song he ever did was Do I Do. The chorus goes "Do I Do, what you do, when I do, my love for you". When I was a kid I thought
STEVIE was singing about "chocloate chippin' kisses" so this song always made me want FAMOUS AMOS cookies. Now as a grown-up
I realize the lyrics are actually "chocolate drippin' kisses". Oh, well. I STILL want FAMOUS AMOS cookies! Those things rock!
Unlike the lyrics (And the stupid video!) for Do I Do.
"Yes I got some candy kisses for your lips
Yes I got some honeysuckle chocolate dripping kisses full of love
*Think Of Laura: CHRISTOPHER CROSS: I've personally got nothing against soft-rock "AM Gold" crooner CHRISTOPHER CROSS.
He had some pretty decent tunes: Run Like The Wind, Sailing, Arthur's Theme. But then came the schmaltzy dirge Think Of Laura.
This song came out during the peak of soap opera GENERAL HOSPITAL's popularity and so many people assumed that it was about
one of the show's more popular charactors Laura Baldwin Spencer, the one who was married to crazy-permed Luke. I'm inclined
to believe the rumor that this song is NOT about her. Why, where is the mention of the Luke and Laura date rape? There is
none. So the song isn't about THAT Laura, much to the chagrin of bored '80s housewives everywhere. In this treacly ballad
Cross sings of a dead "friend of a friend". "Think of Laura, but laugh, don't cry, I know she'd want it that way".
"A friend of a friend
A friend to the end
That's the kiiiiiind of giirrrrrrrl she was
Taken away so young, taken away without warning"
* Iesha: ANOTHER BAD CREATION: "ANOTHER BAD CREATION"? Ain't it the truth! After NEW EDITION, who brought us puppy-love
songs like CANDY GIRL and POPCORN LOVE, got old enough to shave and worry about BOBBY BROWN's legal troubles they passed the
torch to this band of kids. And by "kids" I mean really, reaaly young. These guys were still wearing GRRRANIMALS!
In thier hit song Iesha the young 'uns, who sound like a cross between NEW EDITION on helium and BEL BIV DEVOE's
Poison, sing about the cute new girl at school:
" At the playground, you know (Playgrouuuuuuund)
That's where I saw this cutie
This girl was swingin' and she looked so fine
Then on the monkeybars (Monkeybaaaaars)
We climbed up to the top and
She touched my hand, that's when I fell in love"
Is this even legal? What exactly is this third grader gonna DO with Iesha when he gets his little mitts on her? Why,
play NINTENDO, eat CHEERIOS and give her lollypops and letters, of course. Ah, youth!
"Iesah, you are the girl that I never had
And I want to get to know you better"
* I'm Going Back To Cali - LL COOL J: LL COOL J is driving his mack daddy car to California . Or IS he? ("I'm
going back to Cali, Cali, Cali. I'm going back to Cali. Hmmm...I don't think so") , visting strip clubs and trying to think
of a way to get laid.... without having to pay for it.
"Her bikini - small, heels - tall, she said she liked the ocean
She showed me the beach, gave me a peach and pulled out the suntan lotion"
* Ghostbusters - RAY PARKER JR: We've all had it happen to us at one time or another: We reach for the phone, someone
asks "Who you gonna call?" and a bunch of idiots in the room scream "GHOSTBUSTERS!"
RAY PARKER JR had a few good songs: The Other Woman, You Can't Change That, A Woman Needs Love (Just Like You
Do). Then GHOSTBUSTERS came out and he did the painful-to-sit-through theme song (And the painful video too!) In GHOSTBUSTERS
RAY PARKER JR boasts "I ain't afraid of no ghost" and proudly confesses "Lemme tell ya' something: Busting makes me feel good!"
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
"If you're seeing things running through your head
Who can ya call? GHOSTBUSTERS!
An invisible man sleeping in your bed
Oh, who ya gonna call? GHOSTBUSTERS!"
* Jump - KRISS KROSS: Just like ANOTHER BAD CREATION, two snot-nosed little kids, this time wearing their clothes
backwords, for some godforsaken reason, loudly and obnoxiously shout out raps.
"Mac Daddy'll make ya' Jump Jump!
Daddy Mac'll make ya' Jump Jump!
KRISS KROSS will make ya' Jump Jump!
* Go Go Dancer - CARMEN ELECTRA: Didn't know that before Carmen Electra was a sex symbol she was an alleged "singer"?
Neither did I, until I saw a clip of her video on an epsiode of BEAVIS AND BUTTHEAD. Yes, she's beautiful. Yes, she's built
like a brick sh*t house. And, no, she can't sing a note! Bad enough that Carmen, who was "discovered" by PRINCE, trys to "sing"
on her album (Yes, there's a WHOLE album!), she also trys to "rap". Really really badly. Her video is best watched with the
MUTE button on.
" Go Go Dancer - I'm the life of the party
Go go Dancer - Nothing can stop my body
Go Go Dancer - Dancing's all I wanna do"
* What if God Was One Of Us? - JOAN OSBOURNE: Stupid lyrics. Reaaally stupid lyrics. In this song JOAN OSBOURNE asks
us "If God had a name what would it be?" Ummmmmmmm....Oh, I don't know......"God" maybe???? As far as I know he DOES have
a name and it's "God"!
In this song JOAN OSBOURNE isn't questioning her belief in God (Like XTC did in Dear God) . She acknowledges, rather
intelligently, that "Yeah, yeah, God is great. Yeah, yeah, God is good. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah". Wow. Did she write
those thought-provoking lyrics all by herself?
" What if God was one of us?
Just a slob like one of us
Just a stranger on the bus
Trying to make his way home
Back up to Heaven all alone
Nobody calling on the phone
Except for the pope maybe in Rome"
* Breakfast at Tiffanys - DEEP BLUE SOMETHING: I'll let the lyrics speak for themselves:
You say we've got nothing in common
No common ground to start from
And we're falling apart
And I say 'What about BREAKFAST AT TIFFANYS?'
She said 'I think I remember the film
And as I recall, I think, we both kinda liked it'
And I said 'Well, that's the one thing we've got'"
Shut Up - KELLY OSBOURNE: Here's a rare instance where the apple fell FAR from the tree. I guess I could have put
any song Kelly tackles on this list ( I USED to love the BLACK SABBATH song Changes. Thanks, Kelly.) but the
lyrics for Shut Up are just so piss poor that it's realy, really sad. My favorite "lyrics" would have to be the brilliant
"Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah". Wow. Did she write that herself?!
"Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
That's what it sounds like you said to me
You nag and you brag and I gag
There's so much beauty in what we have"
Don't Cha - THE PUSSYCAT DOLLS: Is this THE SPICE GIRLS? What? "THE PUSSYCAT DOLLS" you say? Same difference.
Another one that loses something without the accompanying video footage of a bunch of scantily clad shapely girls
bumping and grinding while one of them strains to sing and the others attempt to sing back-up and work the choreography at
the same time.
Don't Cha was originally done by a singer named TORI ALAMAZE, but the song was so "good" that they decided to release
it again with THE PUSSYCAT DOLLS adding their own little something extra: BUSTA RHYMES (Lord help us!) Neither version is
The song's lyrics are about a woman who wants to sleep with a guy she knows already has a girlfriend ("You know you
should be f*cking me" is one of the lyrics. And they give Heavy Metal a hard time!) The lead tramp sings "I know she loves
you, I undersand, I'd probably be just as crazy about you if you were my man. Maybe next lifetime, Possibly, Until then, old
friend, your secret is safe with me". I especially love how she talks about how they will possibly get to shag in "the next
lifetime". Not just a ho: A spiritual ho!
"Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me
Don't cha wish your girfriend was raw like me
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was fun like me
The Future's So Bright I Gotta Wear Shades - TIMBUK 3: Ugh. We never need to hear THIS one again, right? it was cute
when it was a bumper sticker slogan but then some dickweeds (Two dickweeds, not "3" like the band name would suggest) decided
to make it into a terrible 80s novelty hit that features such yrics as "I've got a job waiting for me after graduation- 50
thou a year! Buy lots of beer!" After this song came and went we never heard from TIMBUK 3 again, proving once and for all
there is a God!
"I study Nuclear Science, I love my classes
I got a crazy teacher, he wears dark glasses
Things are going great and they're only getting better
I'm doing alright
Getting good grades
The furture's so bright
I gotta wear shades"
Wild Wild West - ESCAPE CLUB: This one sounds sort of similar to The Future's So Bright I Gotta Wear Shades.
Maybe it was just a smidgen less annoying. This time instead of singing about living In the '80s, this group sings about "Heading
For The '90s"
"Mandy's in the back room handing out valium
Sherriff's on the airwaves talking to the DJ
47 heartbeats beating like a drum
Got to live it up, live it up, Ronnie's got a new gun"
* Summer Girls - LFO: Was this song actually a payed for commercial put out by ABERCROMBIE & FITCH? Because their
name gets dropped an awful lot in it. Hey, I like shopping at NEWPORT NEWS, but I don't go 'round writing songs about it!
Along with singing about their favorite yuppie clothing store, LFO also drops in "witty" refernces about Macauley
Culkin, Alex P.Keaton and Kevin Bacon ("I like Kevin Bacon but I hate FOOTLOOSE" is one of the lyrics). Wow, give them mad
props and street cred! They also like girls who shop at ABERCROMBIE & FITCH, eat FUN DIP and drink CHERRY COKE. Word!
How cool they be, Dawg! (*Note sarcasm)
"NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK had a bunch of hits
Chinese food makes me sick
And I think it's fly
When girls stop by
For the summer
For the summer"
Nail It To The Wall - STACY LATTISAW: You probably don't remember this one. Lucky you! It was a brief hit in the
'80s. It's chorus went "Nail it to the wall (Nail it to the wall) If you want an education. Come on: Nail it to the wall,
it's the perfect situation" The following lyrics sound sort of like a GYN exam gone terrribly awry:
"There's no secrets under the covers
It's just a place where lovers lie
Gonna open up, Boy
And let you look inside"
Jump In My Car - DAVID HASSELHOFF: You remember David Hasselhoff, right? Star of such cheesy shows as KNIGHT RIDER
and BAYWATCH. Well, it's a little known fact (And a friggin' hysterical fact) that he's a BIG star in countries like Germany
that don't know any better. And I'm not talking about his acting. No, they love to hear HASSELHOFF sing! I would wager that
anything HASSELHOFF sings is terrible (He does a cover of BLUE SWEDE's Hooked On A Feleling that can make ya' weep...and
not in a good way!) But by far the cheesiest of his offerings is his song Jump In My Car (Even "better" when accompanied by
the cheesy video that shows DAVID trying to pick up a bevy of ladies who wisely beg off and say "No thank you, Sir" to his
" Jump in my car
I wanna take you home
Come on, jump in my car
It's too far to walk on your own"
* My Humps - BLACK EYED PEAS: I thought good jusic had died in the '90s with VANILLA ICE and THE SPICE GIRLS. If
indeed it had a few gasps of breath left those were soon snuffed out in the 2000s by "bands" like BLACK EYED PEAS. I mean
just look at lyrics like " I met a girl down at a disco: She said 'Hey, hey, hey yea, let's go. I could be your baby, you
can be my honey. Let's spend time, not money. I mix your milk wit my cocoa puff. Milky, milky cocoa. Mix your milk with my
cocoa puff. Milky, milky. Riiiiight!"
" What you gonna do with all that junk?
All that junk inside your trunk?
I'ma get, get, get, get you drunk
Get you drunk off my hump
What you gonna do with all that a**?
All that a** inside them jeans?
I'ma make, make, make, make you scream
Make you scream, make you scream"
* London Bridge - FERGIE: Bad enough with BLACK EYED PEAS, here is the PEA-less first single off the solo "effort"
from female singer FERGIE's "fergalicious" album. In London Bridge (A song supposedly about her panties!) she, ummm.....errrr....raps(?)
"The GREY GOOSE got the girl feeling loose. Now I wishing that I didn't wear these shows. It's like every time I get
upon the dude paparazzi put my business on the news. And I'm gonna get up out my face (Oh sh*t) Before I turn around and spray
your a** with mace (Oh sh*t) My lips make you want to have a tatse (Oh sh*t) You got that? I got bass!"
"How come every time you come around
My London London Bridge want to go down
Like London London want you to go down
Like London London be going down"
* For another atrocious FERGIE ode to oral sex listen to Fergalicious. That one "samples" from J J FAD's Supersonic.
* You're Beautiful - JAMES BLUNT: Let's be "blunt": This song is just sad. It features weepy lyrics, a terrible Kermit
The Frog-like singer hitting all the wrong notes and the premise of the song is just sad in itself: A guy is riding the subway.
He sees a pretty woman. He "falls in love". She's with another man. He smiles at her and she smiles back. In his deranged
mind he convinces himself that they just had "a moment". Then, according to the video,the "singer" JAMES BLUNT kills
himself. We should all be so lucky.
" My life is brilliant, my love is pure
I saw an angel, of that I'm sure
She smiled at me on the subway, she was with another man
But I won't lose sleep on that cause I've got a plan
You're beautiful, You're beautiful
You're beautiful it's true
I saw your face in a crowded place and I don't know what to do
Cause I'll never be with you"
* Little Green Apples - BOBBY RUSSELL: This is one of the shmaltziest songs to ever fall out of the '70s. It's so
sickningly sweet that it totally makes me want to throw up! It's all about this Family Man. But, unlike those shady '70s
"Family Men" you heard about in scandoulous ditties like Me And Mrs Jones and If Loving You Is Wrong I Don't Want To Be Right,
this guy isn't a cheat. He just loves the heck out of his wife and family and grins at them at the breakfast table with love
in his heart and a twinkle in his eyes. Later on he'll make plans to meet his wife on his lunch hour for......(Get your mind
out of the gutter!) lunch! He'll show up late and she'll be sitting their patiently smiling cause "she's made that way".
To quote EMERSON LAKE AND POWELL "Oh, what a lucky man!"
"And I wake up in the morning
With my hair down in my eyes and she says "Hi"
And I stumble to the breakfast table
While the kids are going off to school , "Goodbye"
And she reaches out and takes my hand
And squeezes it and says "How ya feeling, Hon?"
And I look across at smiling lips
That warm my heart and see my morning sun
And if that's not loving me
Then all I've got to say :
God didn't make little green apples
And it don't rain in Indianapolis in the summertime
And there's no such thing as Doctor Seuss
Or Disneyland and Mother Goose, no nursery rhyme
God din't make little green apples
And it don't rain in Indianapolis in the summertime
And when my self is feeling low
I think about her face aglow
And ease my mind"
* Don't Wanna Fall In Love - JANE CHILD: This song had a strangely hypnotic video cuz , well, the chick in it was
sort of weird looking! JANE CHILD has a bout a mile of hair, all in little braids. She also had 75 pircings going on. If she
ever got in a fight she'd be toast: All you would have to do is grab her by her hair or her piercings and just swing her around
til she broke free!
" Last night with you I knew
I don't want nobody else
And you're scaring me to death, Baby
I don't wanna fall in love
Love cuts just like a knife
You make the knife feel good
I'll fight you to the end"
* Oops Oh My - TWEET with MISSY ELLIOTT: I think this song is about a woman masterbating. But I'm not sure. The reason
i'm not sure is because even though it's lyrics are 98% about a woman catching sight of herself and not being able to resist
her own charms there is a breakdown in the middle of the song by a man (MISSY ELLIOTT???) who raps about f*ckin' with the
sistas and then sings about his glorious cum shot : "Ghetto Fab's all around the place - Oops- There goes my kids all over
your face" Niiiiiiiiiiiice!
" Oops - There goes my shirt up over my head- Oh my
Oops - There goes my skirt droppin to my feet - Oh my
Some kinda touch caressing my legs - Oh my
Ooh, I'm turning red, Who could this be?"
* Hips Don't Lie - SHAKIRA: I have a personal pet peeve: When a song includes someone saying or singing or screaming
the singers name so that poor dopes who wan't to buy the record will know who sings it. In this song a man screams "SHAKIRA!
SHAKIRA!" So I GUESS Latina yodeler SHAKIRA sings this dopey dance hit. SHAKIRA is like what the results would be
if JENNIFER LOPEZ and THE CRANBERRIES Dolores O'Riordan had a baby together. Her singing style consists of fumbling through
broken English and then hitting high pitched Gaelic "Calling over the Cliffs Of Dover" yodeling. And stupid, stupid lyrics.
"I never really knew that she could dance like this
She makes a man want to speak Spanish
Como se llama, bonita, mi casa, su casa
* Informer- SNOW: This One Hit Wonder rom the '90s was a white guy singnng raggae.....poorly. Oh sure, he could ramble
off quickly, but you couldn't understand a damn thing he said ("I licky boom boom"? They just don't write lyrics like that
anymore....and with good reason!) . Believe it or not there is an album called THE GREATEST HITS OF SNOW. Whose foolin'
who? SNOW had ONE minor hit: Informer...and even THAT sucked! (The fact SNOW has a Greatest Hits album must have BOB
MARLEY spinnin', so do the right thing and skip over the oxymoron-titled GREATEST HITS OF SNOW and buy BOB MARLEY: LEGEND
Informer has incoherent lyrics that roughly translate into something like this : "Informer, you no say daddy me snow
I'll go blame, A licky boom boom down, Detective mon said daddy me snow me stab someone down the lane, A licky boom boom down".
"Police them come an now they blow down me door
One him come crawl through, through my window
So then they put me in the back the car at the station
From that point on me reach my destination
When the destination reached it was east detention where them
Whipped down me pants, locked up me bottom"!
* Pow Wow - CORY DAYE: This is a goofy lesser-known 70's Disco song about hot Indian loving. Damn, Kemo Sabe! I was
surprised that when I did an online search on CORY DAYE, who I thought was a One Trick Pony, that pages of resources
pertaining to her career came up (God, I love the internet!). It seems that CORY also sang in the musical group DR BUZZARD'S
ORIGINAL SAVANNAH BAND, they of that other lesser-known 70's Disco jam CherChez La Femme Se Si Bon. So, technically, CORY
didn't just have one song: She had TWO! Good for her!
In what would nowadays be considered a totally un-politically correct song CORY trys to tempt a Tonto into her tent
by promising " Gonna have a pow wow- Oh wow!- Pass the peace pipe!" (No, I did not make that up!)
" And now I'm sleepy and my teepee's cold and empty
And I lost the jazz the medicine man sent me
Oh, Baby, you've got the cure
You got the cure for sure
If we're not gonna make it
Break it to me gently"
* American Life - MADONNA: Every artist is entitled to a bad career move. MADONNA has made 'em in spades. But
the topper, where MADONNA tryed to grab hold of the younger audience by rapping - Yes, I said "RAPPING"- was her worst career
move ever! (Even worse than her movies. ZING!)
This is not your father's MADONNA. Oh no: An oh-so-hip and modern MADONNA sing-speaks over a Techno beat: " I'd like
to express my extreme point of view: I'm not a Christan and I'm not a Jew" (!). MADONNA drops a few "f" bombs, and says the
word "sh*t" to build up her street cred before she launches into a rap about her drinking coffee. Yes- I said "COFFEE"!!!
" I'm drinking a soy latte
I get a double shot-ay
It goes right through my body
And you know I'm satisfied
I drive my Mini Cooper
And I'm feeling super-duper
Yo, they tell me I'm a trooper
And you know I'm satisfied"
What could rival MADONNA trying to rap? Oh, I don't know. Maybe MADONNA trying to pull off a 40s' Big Band Jazz album.
Hey, wait a minute: She's got one of those too!
In the early 90's MADONNA was in the DICK TRACY movie and therefore was obligated to crank out a soundtrack album
that would SURELY be a best-seller. This album, which I'm sure MADONNA hopes we all forgot about (Not me, MADONNA!) boasted
one memorable song on it: Vogue. The rest was MADONNA trying to sound like one of THE ANDREW SISTERS.
Two Songs from I'M BREATHLESS: THE DICK TRACY SOUNDTRACK that are so bizarre they have to be heard to be believed:
* Hanky Panky - MADONNA: It's MADONNA swinging it Big Band Old School as she naughtily teases about wanting to get
her a** whacked.
Nothin' like a good spanky!
Don't take out your handkerchiefs, I don't wanna cry
I just wan't a hanky panky guy!"
* I'm Going Bananas - MADONNA: Ai Chihuahua! Here MADONNA sounds like a sped-up version of Speedy Gonzales as she
sings about "going meshugga". She sings in her best Chiquita Banana voice: All day long there's a man in my
brain incessantly playing Boga Wooga"
" Who knows: Could be the tropic heat
Or something that I eat
That makes me so gonzo
I do carry on so for I'm going bananas
Someone book me a room in the hot hacienda with all my mananas
For I'm going bananas"
MADONNA tryed to bridge the gap between 40's Swing and 80's Pop and didn't quite succeed. iI you are interested in
seeing a marriage of two totally different music types then I might I suggest THE ETHEL MERMAN DISCO ALBUM. (What? You didn't
know one existed?!)
* Sidewalk Talk - JELLYBEAN with MADONNA: I know, I know....it's starting to sound like I have a personal vendetta
against Madge. I DO like some MADONNA songs (Borderline, Burnin' Up, Frozen) but I just can't stand that she has legions of
fans who think she can do no wrong. She had some bad ones, and I'm here to point them out!
I think Sidewalk Talk was the first song MADONNA ever sang, and, well, it SOUNDS like it.
" Watch where you walk cuz the sidewalks talk
You better watch what you do, what you do
Cuz the sidewalk talk can get carried away
You better watch what you say, what yiou say"
* Wind It Up - GWEN STEFANI: I thought it was piss poor when GWEN STEFANI ripped off a sound bite from FIDDLER ON
THE ROOF for If iIWere A Rich Girl. But her "sampling" of The Lonley Goatherd from THE SOUND OF MUSIC? That's just SAD!
In Wind It Up GWEN STEFANI yodels - Yes, I said "yodels" - " High on the hill with the lonely goatherd- Lay-Od-Lay-Od-Lay-He-Hoo!
Yodell back with the girl and goatherd- Lay-Od-Lay-Od-Low!"
I think GWEN, who at this point in her career was a mom in her late thirties, had totally lost touch with what the
young people wanted. Yodelling is not, was not and never WILL be cool! (Also not cool is putting an advertisement for your
clothing line in your song's lyrics!)
" This is the key that winds us up
When the beat comes on the girls all line up
And the boys all look but know they can't touch
But the girls want to know why boys like us so much
They like the way we dance
They like the way we work
They like that way LAMB is going 'cross my shirt
They like the way my pants compliment my shape
They like the way we react every time we dance"
* My Washing Machine - SIKK: 2000's dance song that's only lyrcs are as follows:
machine is broke.
Someone fucked my washing machine"
* Candle In The Wind (aka English Rose) - ELTON JOHN- I wasn't really crazy about this song when it was a song ELTON
JOHN had written about Marilyn Monroe. But I was AGHAST when he recycled the whole damn thing, retitled it English Rose
and tweaked the lyrics to make it about recently deceased Princess Diana! It just left a REALLY bad taste in my mouth!
Ask yourself this: If you were dating someone and they proposed to someone else and that eprson turned them down
and then they turned around and proposed to YOU with THE VERY SAME RING, wouldn't you be be pissed????
I remember once when I was a teenager I had a guy friend and a girl friend who had been messing around. The girl
told me that whenever the guy played the song Faithfully by JOURNEY on his stereo he told her the song reminded him of her.
Fast foward a few months - things hadn't worked out between the two of them- and now I was fooling around with this same guy.
He put a JOURNEY cassette on and when Faithfully went on he went to say that this was "our song" and that every time he heard
it...." and I broke in "...you think of me. yeah, yeah: That's the same thing you said to Sandy!" and I grabbed my purse and
stormed out. The fuckin' NERVE trying to woo me using a second-hand song! (Why didn't he just flip the tape over and tell
me Open Arms reminded him of me? Sheesh!)
So, yeah, that's sort of how I feel about ELTON JOHN writing this song about Marilyn Monroe, singing it at that kid
Ryan White's funeral and then singing it AGAIN at Princess Di's funeral. When Anna Nicole Smith died all I could think was
"Great: I can't wait to see what kind of hackneyed version of Candle In The Wind ELTON is gonna sing at HER funeral!"
* Love Me Or Hate Me - LADY SOVEREIGN: Oh great! Just what we needed! Another obnoxious white rapper! This
ones a five foot tall female Brit who raps self-deprecating "humor" that isn't very funny or witty. I was surprised to find
out this song was done by a woman (It is a woman, right?) It sort of sounds like one of those really, really, REALLY gay Bristish
guys...or maybe even that guiy from PRODIGY sped-up (PRODIGY! Remember them?! Ah! Now there's a group I miss!) The LADY raps
with all the clumsy clunkiness of FERGIE: "Love me or hate me it's still an obsession, Love me or hate me that is the question.
If you love me then Thank you! If you hate me then F*ck You!"
" I'm that funky little monkey with the tiniest ears
I don't like drinking champy, I'll stick with HEINEKEN beers
Whoops, might burp in ya face
A little un-ladylike, What can I say?
Well, oh gosh, I'm not posh
Male with odd socks
I do what I'm doing, yeah
So everybody's entitled to opinions
I open my mouth and sh*t I got millions"
this song has a lyric in it that goes "I can't dance and I really can't sing". Ya gotta admire the honesty!
* Ya'll Ain't Ready- KEVIN FEDERLINE: We certainly AREN'T ready for this, or any of the OTHER sucky songs BRITNEY
SPEARS' then gold-digging, baby-making machine, wigger husband KEVIN FEDERLINE hoiseted on an innocent public. In his sad-
a** cornrows, wife-beater undershirt, sagging pants and "Word Up" stance he single-handedly desecrates "music" and "busts
mad rhymes" so badly he makes VANILLA ICE look like GRANDMASTER FLASH. What other lyrical genius would string together the
words "I'm not your brother, I'm not your uncle, I'm Daddy Do!"
Ya'll Ain't Ready" (Sure ain't!) is the only ditty of "Daddy Do's" that I've actually heard (My ears! My ears!),
but I understand he has other "songs" that I would wager are just as lousy. Methinks just like everything King Midas touched
turned to gold that everything K-FED touches turns to turd.
"I shouldn't be sayin'
'Keep my damn name outcha mouth'
But ya'll keep increasin' my change
Go ahead and say whatcha wanna
I'm gonna sell about 2 mil
Uh, then I'm a goner, uh"
* Anything by KID ROCK or EMINEM: I won't say White Boy's CAN'T Rap. I'll just say that most of them SHOULDN'T .
The exception to this rule is THE BEASTIE BOYS.
THE BEASTIE BOYS were three New York teengers who successfully married music samples from past Rock, Funk
and Metal tunes with raps about drinking beer, smoking weed, hitting on girlies and being ghetto fabulous. When
their album LICENSED TO ILL and it's first single Fight For Your Right To Party became hits THE BEASTIES were barely twenty
years old. When a bunch of teenagers and young twenty-somethings sing about brew, herb, tang and fighting it's fully believable.
The BEASTIES had street cred.
In the late '90s KID ROCK came out. He also wanted to marry Rock and Metal samples from acts like LYNARD SKYNARD
and METALLICA to raps about being a young, white, rebelious, bad-a**. Only problem was "KID" wasn't a kid! By the time his
album REBEL WITHOUT A CAUSE came out he was pushing thirty! When last seen KID ROCK was still gargling with PABST BLUE RIBBON and
doing cover versions of songs like Feel Like Makin' Love and Hard Night For Sarah. All listening to these songs will
do is make you long for BAD COMPANY's and BOB SEGAR's far superior versions.
In the late '90s EMINEM was also forced on us. His shpiel was that he was a poor, white, misunderstood youth from
a trailor park. The part he forgot to mention was that this "youth" was already pushing thirty when THE MARSHALL MATHERS LP
came out. Pushing thirty and still living at home with his "moms", who he supposedly hates. When you're sixteen and stuck
living at home with your dysfunctional mom, people feel sorry for you. When you're twenty eight and "stuck" living with your
dysfunctional mom, not so much. Marshall shoulda' just got his a** a job at the local WHITE CASTLE and got his own place if
he was so miserable living with moms! Mom's not the only one who gets to taste EMINEM's wrath: He also sings about
hating the mother of his child, homos, and a full assortment of other "suckas". I think he even hates himself! And if he''s
ever had to sit through that annoying The Real Slim Shady song more than once he should!
***IMPORTANT NOTE***: I'm sure people will read this list and go "Where is this particular terrible
I can only choose songs from the range of music I'm familiar with.
Two categories, for instance, that I know nothing about are Rap and Country. So if you notice a lot of terrible Rap
or Country songs missing from this list it's because I've probably never even heard 'em. But feel free to email me your WORST
SONG REQUESTS! Reach me at firstname.lastname@example.org
BEST....... BAD SONG........... EVER!:
* My Ding-A-Ling - CHUCK BERRY: Years before MADONNA's "Justify My Love" video shocked and disgusted millions
CHUCK BERRY shocked and digusted millions with his ode to playing with his Ding-A-Ling and encouraging others to play with
I actually know all the words to this song because I honestly believe it to be the first cheeky double-entendre song
about getting your wankee yanked to ever make it onto the radio.
BERRY starts the song off singing "When I was a little bitty boy my grandmother gave me a cute little toy, two silver
bells hanging on a string, she told me it was my Ding-a-ling-a-ling".
By starting the song with the claim that the Ding-a-ling in question was a toy BERRY tells us that any thoughts
we might have of the Ding-a-ling being a euphemism for cock & balls is our own dirty minds working overtime.
As the song goes on he finds himself in many a predicament with the Ding-a-ling such as:
* He gets caught playing with it at school
* He falls off the garden wall hurting it so bad he hears bells ring
* He holds on to it for dear life (With both hands!) while swimming so turtles can't snap at it
MY DING-A-LING damaged his career but I will always love him for it. MY DING-A-LING did for Rock & Roll what BENNY
HILL did for televison: Put the filfth in it!
* GOOD SONGS, BAD LYRICS:
* McArthur Park - DONNA SUMMER: A DONNA SUMMER dance classic with terrible lyrics about someone leaving a "cake out in
the rain". In this song Donna remembers a day at the park where she wore a yellow dress, her lover held baby birds,
old men played Chinese checkers and some thoughtless b*stard left the green-frosted cake she slaved over out in the
rain to turn into mush.
If you don't believe me look the lyrics up on the web.
"I don't think that I can take it
cuz it took so long to bake it
and I'll never have that recipe again. A-GAINNN!"
* Push Push In The Bush - MUSIQUE: A Disco song about an insatiable slut who just can't get enough and just can't wait
to get started. If there's any question of doubt in your mind that the "bush" that they are referring to is anything but a
vagina, you are truly naive.
"I like to do the things ya'll like to do
I like to do it, do it
I wanna do the things ya'll like to do too
So come on, let's get to it"
* Car Wash - ROSE ROYCE: Disco classic we've all shaked our bootys to at one time or another. But have you actually stopped
and listened to the words? A song that if you read along to the lyrics at karaoke night you would laugh and shake your
head in disbelief.
"Car Wash" is the theme song to the '70s movie of the same name and it describes that while "you might not ever
get rich" working at the Car Wash it's "better than digging a ditch".
"Ain't telling who you might meet
like a movie star...or even an...Indian Chief
At the Car Wash"
* Rock Me, Amadeus - FALCO: Half-sputtered in English, half-sputtered in German, this song about MOZART's career (Summed
up in about four intelligable sentences) is a truly one-of-a-kind experience in bi-lingual dance hits honoring dead pianists
of the past. With German rapping, an English drinking man's chorus of "Amadeus, Amadeus!" and a sexy female voice teasing
"Baby, Baby, do it to me, rock me" this song has a kitchen sink recipe that actually works!
"Er was superstar, er war popular
Er war exaltiert, because er hatte Flair"
* Down Under - MEN AT WORK: Yes, yes: I love this song too. Karl suggested I put it on here and I fought him on it. After
long debate (And a few Pina Coladas) he talked me into it with his argument that the lyrics are ridiculous and that this is
probably "The only song to ever rhyme 'nervous' with 'breakfast'. ("I met a strange lady, she made me nervous, she took me
in and gave me breakfast").
"I met a man in Brussels
He was six foot four and full of muscles
I said "Do you speak-a my language?"
He just smiled and gave me a vegemite sandwich"
* Wanna Be Startin' Somethin '- MICHAEL JACKSON: In the '70s and '80s MICHAEL JACKSON could really crank out
a dance track. And if you didn't pay too much mind to the stupid lyrics on this one it was a good song. But oh...it's so much
fun to pay mind to stupid lyrics so lets have a look-see, shall we?:
"If you can't feed the baby (yeah yeah)
Then don't have a baby (yeah yeah)
And don't say "maybe" (yeah yeah)
If you can't feed the baby (yeah yeah)
Mama se mama sa mama coo sa"
* Love Plus One - HAIRCUT 100: HAIRCUT 100 boasted a sound all their own: '80s Pop with a horn section and some of the
strangest lyrics ever to hit page. One day while singing along I really let the lyrics sink in and found myself rolling with
laughter. This song only has a few lyrics (none of them make much sense) so I will take the liberty of putting them all down:
"I went off to the right
Without saying "goodbye", goodbye
Where does it go from here?
Is it down to the lake I fear?
Ai yi yi yi yi yi
Ai yi yi yi yi yi yi yi
Then I call
Ring (ring) Ring (ring) Ring (ring) Ring (ring)
La La Love Plus One
When I call love"
* I Like You - PHYLISS NELSON: Great music, great beats, great to dance to but, man oh man, what stupid lyrics!
" I liiiiiiiiiiiiiiike you, I like you a lot, yes, I liiiiiiiiiiike you!
I like you! I like you!
I liiiiiiiiiiiiiiike you, I like you a lot, yes, I liiiiiiiiiiiiike you!"
* Fascinated - COMPANY B: Great music, great beat, great to dance to, but when you listen to the lyrics you realize "My,
God! This is a love song dedicated to the singer's boyfriend's penis!"
"I'm fascinated by your love, Boy
And I'm fascinated by your "love toy"
And I'm fascinated by the way you make me feel"
* Centipede - REBBIE JACKSON: "I'm as horny as a goat", "I'm as horny as a toad", "I'm as horny as a ........Centipede?"
REBBIE JACKSON is in the same Jackson family as great talents Michael, Janet and, to a lesser extent, Jermaine and Tito.
And she CAN sing, in a sort of VANITY 6 sort of way. But the one song ishe had that was a minor hit Centpiede is
absolutely HORRIBLE! Must've come out at a time where anything with the Jackson label on it would sell (And it didn't
hurt matters that Rebbie got little brother Michael to sing back-up). Rebbie coos "You came, Oh, To strike him with your touch.
Like you crawled into the bathroom window, To bite him with your love". Huh? Crawling through the bathroom window? What's
THAT all about? In this song Rebbie moans that "Love is like a ragin' fire" and "You're a snake that's on the loose, The strike
is your desire". Then she goes back to talkin about that Beast Of Lust....."CENTIPEDE!"
" In the quiet of the night
Is when the snake is in the crawlin'
And the moon starts to glow then disappear
When the time is really right
Is when the centipede is crawlin'
You'll be crying in the night so many tears
And you're crawlin' like a centipede!"
BEST BAND WITH WORST LYRICS AWARD:
A SALUTE TO THE VILLAGE PEOPLE
We can find funny lyrics in just about any THE VILLAGE PEOPLE song. Why, the sight of them in their costumes alone has
been known to bring on peels of laughter. But when it comes to hysterical lyrics put to great dance tracks they are truly
The Kings. Or Queens.
* YMCA: YMCA stands out as a song that is so funny because for so long some people thought it was an innocent enough
song about a young man getting advised to go to the YMCA where he could:
* Get himself clean
* Have a good meal
* Do whatever he feels
* Hang out with all the boys
(My father got the biggest laugh from that last one).
Some naive people choose to believe YMCA is a good old fashioned song about excercise. The rest of us choose to believe
it's a song about the hot man sex so readily available to us in the YMCA showers.
"You can hang out with all the boys
It's fun to stay at the YMCA"
* Macho Man: Another song thats lyrics fell on naive ears. Some straight hetero males actually thought this anthem
was aimed at them. "Macho Macho Man...I wanna be a Macho Man". You can envision straight guys working out to it
in the gyms. But look a little deeper and you'll have visions of gay men strappin' into their chaps, leather and chains and
heading out to the leather bar. I guess Macho Men are the "tops" in the relationship, unlike the submissive "bottoms".
(Who says I never learned anything from watching QUEER AS FOLK?)
Sample Lyrics: :
"You can tell he's a macho, he has a funky walk
His Western shirt and leather always look so boss"
* In The Navy: THE VILLAGE PEOPLE sing of their love for seamen and let us know they are always looking for "new recruits"!
"Don't you hesitate
There is no need to wait
They're signing up new seamen fast"
* Go West: F*ck us Easteners and our old fashion breeder ways. Up with man sex! Go West!
"I love you, I know you love me
I wan't you happy and carefree
So that's why I have no regrets
When you say you want to Go West"
* San Francisco: A group of fetish-costumed guys singing about the gayest city in America. Nuff' said.
"San Francisco...You got me!"
* MAMAMIASWEETPEACHES' MUSIC TO MAKE LOVE TO:
Dim the lights, light some candles and grab the JACK DANIELS. It's time to get laid!
'70'S MAKE LOVE FOR THREE DAYS STRAIGHT MUSIC: BARRY WHITE
Who knew more about stoking the coals than The Walrus Of Love? Nobody!
From Can't Get Enough Of Your Love, Babe to Never Never Gonna Give You Up, hot love makin' was to BARRY WHITE what giving
peace a chance was to JOHN LENNON.
'70"S ULTIMATE LOVE SONGS SEX MUSIC: THE BEEGEES: Giving BARRY WHITE a run for his money, THE BEE GEES were pretty fly
for three white guys. Make sweet, serious love to classics such as To Love Somebody, Fanny (Be Tender With My Love), If I
Can't Have You, How Deep Is Your Love, More Than A Woman, Emotion, Too Much Heaven, Love You Inside Out, Guilty.....the possibities
'70'S AFTERNOON DELIGHT SEX MUSIC: Stange Magic by ELO
I have never actually floated on a cloud. I imagine it must feel a lot like the first few strands of Strange Magic.
'80'S HEAVY METAL SEX MUSIC: DANZING
Whether the heavier stuff like ANYTHING (" Anything you want, anything the world has to offer, I can give you if you
just reach out to me, take my hand") or the lighter love song stuff like SISTINAS ("The sun don't shine, the wind won't
blow when you go hide, Oh, without your love I'm lonely deep inside") Glenn Danzig has made many a great jam to f***
to. Try DANZIG III: HOW THE GODS KILL. Trust me.
'80's NEW WAVE SEX MUSIC: DEPECHE MODE: The sexiest voice ever belongs to Dave Gahan, whether he's trying to talk you
into S & M (Master And Servant), trying to seduce a minor (Little 15) or letting you know he wants to lay you down
as soon as possible (I Want You Now). Me-ow!
'90'S EVIL SEX MUSIC: Closer by NINE INCH NAILS
This song starts with a drum beat that sounds like an evil heartbeat. Then Trent Reznor growls about how "You let me
violate you, you let me penetrate you". By the time he gets to the chorus where he seethes "I wanna f*** you like an animal,
I wanna feel you from the inside" you're toast. Did you ever stand a chance? Closer sounds like the kind of song that would
happen if PRINCE joined MINISTRY. Yowza!
MAMAMIASWEETPEACHES' ALL-TIME FAVORITE VIDEOS:
* Hot For Teacher - VAN HALEN
* Hungry Like The Wolf - DURAN DURAN
* Don't Come Around Here No More - TOM PETTY & THE HEARTBREAKERS
* Walk This Way - RUN DMC & AEROSMITH
* Home Sweet Home - MOTLEY CRUE
* Talk Dirty To Me - POISON
* You Might Think - THE CARS
* Take On Me - AHA
* Yankee Rose - DAVID LEE ROTH
* Buddy Holly - WEEZER
* I Love Rock & Roll - JOAN JETT
* Just A Gigilo - DAVID LEE ROTH
* White & Nerdy - WEIRD AL
* Last Dance With Mary Jane - TOM PETTY & THE HEARTBREAKERS
* So Tired - OZZY OSBOURNE
* Back On Earth - OZZY OSBOURNE
And Honerable Mention For Being So Bad That It's Actually Funny:
* Rock Me Tonight - BILLY SQUIER