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* SHIE LA BEOUF?  NOT FLY ENUFF!:
 
Everybody is making such a big hoopla over Shia La Beouf, that geeky little kid from The DISNEY Channel's EVEN STEVENS who became a " Hollywood heart-throb" of sorts after he made DISTURBIA (And by "DISTURBIA" I mean the PG-13 kiddie version of REAR WINDOW, not the horrible RIHANNA song), TRANSFORMERS( "Robots In Disguise"!) and INDIANA JONES MAKES YET ANOTHER SEQUEL. Some people are even suggesting (snicker snicker) that Shia may be "The Next Tom Hanks". Doubtful! There is only one Tom Hanks. The guy who ran around with Peter Scolari in dresses! The guy who made the Horror apex HE KNOWS YOU'RE ALONE (and, oh yeah, Tom was also in some Award- winning stuff like PHILADELPIA, FORREST GUMP and CASTAWAY)!
 
I don't really see the appeal of Shia La Beouf. I think people keep hiring him to star in their movies because they like saying "Shia La Beouf". It's fancy! If his name was "Fred Snerd" he'd never work again!
 
Here....add the name "Shia La Beouf" to anything and it will sound like a classy picture: I F*CKED MY NEIGHBORS DOG ....Starring.....Shia La Beouf!
Sounds much better than PRIDE AND PREJUDICE ....Starring...Fred Snerd, now doesn't it????
 
But Shia has failed to reach that I'm Not A Little Boy Anymore stage for me. He STILL looks like the dorky little kid digging holes in HOLES (which, sadly, was NOT a gay porno like I had thought when I had rented it) He doesn't have that "Hey Now!" appeal of say Joey Lawrence.
 
I used to watch Joey Lawrence on that '80s Nell Carter show GIMME A BREAK and think "awww...what a cute little boy...I bet he's gonna be cute when he grows up too" . Then one day BLOSSOM came on and I creamed in my jeans! Oh HOT DAMN Joey Lawrence is FINE! Now I can never watch GIMME A BREAK re-runs cuz I'll just feel like a Dirty Old Lady looking at little Joey in his bowl cut and thinking "awwww...what a cute little boy....I'd pay a Kings Ransom to f*ck him nowadays!"
 
Matthew and Andrew Lawrence too! None of those Lawrence kids are safe when I'm around. Bwahahahahaha! (Remind me to send MRS Lawrence a nice basket of fruit and a Thank You note for making such fine wet-dream fodder!
 
Shia La Beouf? Pfffft! Not Fly Enuff!
 
 
* JOE JONAS: HE'S PURE AS THE DRIVEN SNOW AND I WANNA PLOW HIM
 
 or  VEAL, PLEASE :
 
Did any of you hear a ruckus late last night? It was me dancing in the streets! And WHY was I dancing in the streets? Because I found out Joe Jonas is LEGAL! Mama likey!
 
I know I'm old enough to be his mother but I wanna tap that ass like a keg of BUDWEISER! I would WRECK that boy! When I got done there'd be nothin' left!
 
Yeah yeah, I know I know : "Purity Ring". I love a challenge! He's just shy and scared. He needs an older woman to show him the ways of loooooove!
 
originally posted September 18, 3008
 
* TOBEY MAGUIRE FILLS ME UP WITH DESIRE
 
or JAKE GYLENHALL : IS HIS JUNK MADE OF GOLD???
 
My sister has a little saying about how whenever someone is kissed by a member of our family they "STAY kissed". We have had our fair shair of devotees and stalkers and she's narrowed down their obsession with us down to the KISSING. I like to think some of the Jump Jive and Whail that goes on in the sack is what keeps 'em coming back for more...but to keep this a PG-rated Family Friendly site let's just call what we do to these lucky people "Kissing".
 
I read recently that Kirsten Dunst was in rehab (ain't they ALL nowadays?) because she was trying to kick the sauce/ meds/ both or something. She had been partying hearty to get over her heartbreak over breaking up with Jake Gylenhall (And I THINK they broke up a long time ago!) Apparently she still pines for Jake (Cut a wrist, Girl! It totally worked for Owen Wilson when he got dumped by Kate Hudson!)
 
Now I don't know if this is a coincidence but Heath Ledger made out with Jake Gylenhall in a movie they made about gay cowboys awhile back. And we all know what happened to Heath, right? He "died of natural causes" in his twenties. He too kissed Gylenhall (and, lucky him, he got PAID to do it!) and then when it was all over he apparently hit the sauce and meds and/or both. I guess when you kiss Jake Gylenhall you STAY kissed. Is his junk made of GOLD or something??? It's made me obsessed with finding out his appeal! He just shot right up to the top of My List! Right next to Tobey Maguire!
 
Now what's funny is Kirsten Dunst also used to date Tobey Maguire. But, no, breaking up with him didn't cause any Major Drama. You know why? That's right: Cuz the NEXT guy was Jake Gylenhall!
 
I have dreams about Tobey Maguire. Live, vivid, technicolor dreams (And, yes, Ladies: I mean DREAMS, wink wink) I don't really find him astoundingly hot or anything....but about once or twice a month I have a dream and he's the "star" of it. It's getting to be like when I see him in my dreams I go "You again?" That's how often he makes a cameo (But after the "oh-here-we-go-again" initial reaction we get down to the nitty gritty and Tobey Maguire sets me afire!)
 
I have finally figured it out: Even in my sub-concious I aim for the "possible"! Will I ever have sex with Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp? Probably not. But Tobey Maguire? It could happen! He looks like the guy who bags the groceries at my supermarket. He's One Bad Movie away from being totally obtainable! It could happen!
 
So no more Orlando Bloom dreams for me. Why hype myself up for something that's never gonna happen? And I don't want to waste time dreaming about my husband.....cuz I LIVE that reality! So - Tobey Maguire. Nice balance.
 
(Kinda random, huh? Well, the reason for this post is that I had a dream last night about Tobey Maguire. Again! I woke up smiling and this morning when I was in the kitchen singing and dancing with my cup of coffee my husband said "You DO know it's a Monday, right?" He has absolutely no idea what put the wind in my sails. Tee hee frickin' hee!)
 
UPDATE: I'm sure after reading this many of you wondered "Well, if the guy who bags the groceries at her supermarket looks like Tobey Maguire then why doesn't she just fool around with the guy who bags her groceries???"
 
The answer is simple: If I told you I got bizzay with Bag Boy Billy you would be like "So what?!"
BUT...If I told you I got bizzay with SPIDERMAN you would be like "COOOOL!"
 
originally posted MARCH 3, 2008
 
* MY REVIEW OF NOSFERATU THE VAMPYRE
 
or KLAUS KINSKI IS ONE UGLY SUMMMBITCH:
 
Usually when I become friends with people I ask them what their favorite Horror movie is. I think you can tell a lot about a person by what Horror movies they like (I like SLEEPAWAY CAMP. What does that say about ME?!) My friend Al says she doesn't really LIKE Horror movies (Shocking if you've ever met Al) but that she does remember having really good childhood memories of one she saw with her cousins as a kid called NOSFERATU THE VAMPYRE. She Stumped The Master! I had never even HEARD of this movie let alone seen it. So I rented it and I ended up giggling with glee more than covering my eyes from fear.
 
This movie stars Klaus Kinski as Nosferatu. He's not really SCARY per se but he IS really fuckin' UGLY! People in the movie try to be polite and act like they don't notice but I at home was like "DAYUMMM! THAT KLAUS KINSKI IS ONE UGLY SUMMMBITCH!"
 
Our story starts with this guy named Johnathan (or as it's pronounced by his Big-Eyed wife Lucy "John-Effin") going to Nosferatu's castle to try to sell him some real estate (!) As it were with the Old School black and white NOSFERATU it takes Johnathan FOREVER just to GET to Nosferatu's castle (Keep your finger close to the FAST FOWARD button!) When he FINALLY gets there the door opens and there stands Nosferatu in all his "glory". You know what Nosferatu looks like, right? He's dressed all in black and he's white as a sheet. He's totally bald and has pointy little Spock ears. He has pointy little fang teeth and dragonlady fingernails that are about a mile long. Most folk would take one look at this guy and run screaming, right? Not Johnathan. He is not fazed by Nosferatu's hideous appearance. He doesn't even blink!
 
Wait - It gets stranger.
 
Johnathan sits down to drink some wine and get his grub on when he accidentally cuts his hand. Nosferatu gets all turned on and grabs Johnathan's hand and starts sucking on it! That's odd. And sort of GAY. Johnathan shoos him away but is pretty much unfazed by the whole thing (Maybe it was because it took him so damn long to get to the castle that he was afraid that if he offended his host he'd get kicked out and have spend yet ANOTHER thirty five minutes making his way BACK to his own village again!)
 
Johnathan has a locket (How manly!) and in it is a picture of his wife Lucy (Who I call "Big Eyes" cuz b!tch has HUGE eyes. Made me think of that CHEAP TRICK song Big Eyes!) When Nosferatu sees Lucy's picture he says "what a lovely throat" (and no, I'm not paraphrasing - that's a quote!), signs the paperwork and makes plans to move into the castle next door to Johnathan's house (Don't we ALL have castles built next door to our house?)
 
That night when Johnathan goes to bed Nosferatu queerly creeps to his bedside and bites him!
 
When Johnathan gets home from the Nosferatu's Castle trip (hey, that's a cool name! If I ever open a bar I am so calling it "NOSFERATU'S CASTLE"!) he is acting mighty strange. He acts like he doesn't recognize his wife Lucy and he's acting really, really weird. What to do? Prop him up in the kitchen in a chair, sprinkle salt around him and for Pete's sake keep him out of direct sunlight!
 
That night when Big Eyes is getting ready for bed Nosferatu comes a'creepin'. Unlike John-Effin, Big Eyes KNOWS a freak when she sees one! She soils herself and covers her neck. Nosferatu, a little disappointed, trudges out, hoping to maybe get a chance to tap that neck later.
 
Around half-way through the movie I started getting pissed. I realized we weren't actually getting to SEE Nosferatu kill anybody! Oh sure, the caskets were piling up and there were about twenty funerals a day in town...but we didn't get to see the murders HAPPEN! Crimeny!
 
At the end of the movie Lucy decides to get Nosferatu to climb into bed with her to bite her neck right near the window so that when dawn breaks he'll get his ass fried! And it works! Then Van Helsing comes in and finishes Nosferatu off.
 
Now here's The Kicker: They can't arrest Van Helsing for killing Nosferatu because all the cops in town are dead! Ahahahahaha! There's this little old guy who looks like the little bald guy from BENNY HILL and he says "How can we put Van Helsing in a cel? Who would watch it?" I laughed my ass off!
 
The town now consists of John-Effin, Big Eyes and a handful of people.
 
This movie disappointed me. I would have been better off watching DRACULA. At least HE was sort of sexy. Nosferatu wasn't even a "Closing Time Boy"!
 
* A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: SUPPORT THE GEEZERS OF ROCK
 
Hi, I'm Mamamiasweetpeaches, hostess of the LIVING IN THE PAST website. As long as people are nostalgic for all things '70s and '80s I'll have a job. Others are not so lucky. Others are facing a long and painful road after retirement. I speak of THE GEEZERS OF ROCK.
 
Yes. IRON MAIDEN, DEF LEPPARD, OZZY OSBOURNE, KISS......If WE don't take care of them who WILL?
 
That is why I am taking the time to plead with you to reach deep...deep into your hearts...AND pockets.....and give. Give til it HURTS!
 
I don't want to see Peter Criss sweeping up hair at the barber shop, DO YOU?
 
Of course you don't!
 
We know Gene Simmons is not gonna bail him out anytime soon. It's up to us, THE KISS ARMY, to make sure he's taken care of in his Golden Years! His tapioca and BEN GAY aren't gonna pay for themselves, you know!
 
Now I know many of you are tempted to help out up and coming lesser-known artitsts. Well, screw them! Let them "pay their dues"!  KISS has provided us with thirty-plus years of kick-ass Rock anthems. And handy make-up tips. Now it's time to give a little something back!
 
If they were here we could shower them with booxe, drugs and hot groupie sex. But they're NOT here. They are in their shanty shacks in Malibu! How can we KNOW this and still manage to sleep at night?!
 
Sure there are people starving in Africa...But what have they done for us lately? Did they write ROCK & ROLL ALL NITE? DETROIT ROCK CITY?? BETH??? I think not!
 
Some people give to the wounded veterans. Who is more wounded than DEF LEPPARD's Rick Allen? The man could have went on welfare..but he didn't. I live in New York where people will stub a toe and then cry out for disability! Rick Allen on the other hand (no pun intended) works and works HARD. The man is a hero, People! A hero!
 
Let's not forget the REAL heros, Folks: THE GEEZERS OF ROCK!
 
Bang Your Head, Shake Your Fist And Dig Into Your Wallet And GIVE!!!
 
(I wrote this one when I noticed the price of concert tickets had gone up. INSANELY up.)
 
* GOOD EVENING, WELCOME TO BREAKDANCE THEATER:
 
Being that I'm a Big Time '80s Nostalgia Nut I decided to rent breakdancing movies (something I avoided like THE PLAGUE when I was a head-banging teenager).
 
BREAKIN': I stocked up on plenty of beer figuring I was gonna NEED it to get through this movie. Well, color me Pleasantly Surprised! I actually LIKED this movie! (Sure it was sort of cheesy - but aren't MOST '80s movies?!)
 
I thought I would spend a lot of time heckeling the screen and screaming "Lookit what they're wearing!" but I didn't because - oddly enough - I remember sort of dressing this was as a teenager! (Okay, maybe what I wore was a toned-down version but still....Spandex was my friend!)
 
One of the early scenes in BREAKIN' is the now infamous scene where The Muscles From Brussels Jean Claude Van Damme is an extra shimmying in the background. He's wearing a fruity, spandex one-piece number (Do BOYS call that a "unitard"?) and he's just about KNOCKING OVER the other extras to make sure HE'S in every scene! (I laughed til I CRYED! It's worth the rental fee JUST to see this scene - It's THAT funny!)
 
Our movie centers around a perky, young, white girl Jazz dancer named Kelly (played by SOLID GOLD dancer Lucinda Dickey who also played the Killer Mascot in CHEERLEADER CAMP) who starts hanging out with these pop-and-locker boys of the coco persuasion whose names are - I kid you not - Turbo and Ozone. Together the three will attempt to mix and marry Jazz dancing with breakdancing and put on ..... The Best Damn Show You've Ever Seen!
 
This movie had some decent music in it. A favorite scene of mine is when Da Boyz are trying to teach White Girl Kelly how to dance with flava' and they teach her some funky fresh moves to the strains of my all-time favorite CHAKA KAHN song Ain't Nobody. Another good tune is that catchy OLLIE AND JERRY song Ain't No Stopping Us (It will be stuck in your head for DAYS after you watch this movie). This movie even has a cameo by gangsta n!gga turned LAW & ORDER thespian ICE T!
 
The plot may not be anything innovative and the acting is sort of below par (YOU try acting and spinning on your head at the same time!) but the music is good, the dancing is great and the fashions are fun (and often funny). This movie was a very enjoyable watch. I would buy a copy! I recommend this flick to anyone who hasn't seen it yet and who enjoys "Ahhhh!-Remember-The-'80s cinema.
 
My Score: A solid 8
 
BREAKIN' 2 : ELECTRIC BOOGALOO: This movie was made SECONDS after the first BREAKIN' finished shooting (They HAD to work fast to cash in on the breakdancing fad before it folded) and sadly, it shows.Sure, it was good seeing our old friends Kelly, Ozone and Turbo again and some of the dancing was cool but BREAKIN' was one of those movies that wasn't exactly crying out for a sequel (And I defy you to try to find someone who actually thinks BREAKIN' 2:ELECTRIC BOOGALOO  was a better movie than BREAKIN')
 
So our movie starts out with a scene of a bunch of inner-city youths dancin' in the streets (MARTHA AND THE VANDELLAS would be proud) and soon this scene just goes from being cute to ludicrous. Soon every cop and little old lady in the hood is breakin ', poppin'-and-lockin' and dancin' along (And, yes, they all look like idiots)
 
Ozone and Turbo are working at a Youth Center they run called MIRACLES and The White Man wants to close it down (Everybody white in this movie - except for Kelly - is evil incarnate. Don't believe me? Kelly's uptight yuppie parents have a WHITE cat and it's so nasty that at a dinner party it refuses to eat Turbo's leftovers!)
 
If you've seen ONE of these dance movies you know what's gonna happen, right? Yup. The Gang is gonna put on A Big Show and raise money to save their little dance hut.
 
Now this movie trys to push a little romanace into the mix. Turbo has a crush on a sexy Spanish chick who no-speaka-the-English (I'm not gay but - Wow! Va Va Va Voom!) and Ozone is in a love triangle with Kelly and some other chick. I think he prefers Kelly though. WHY? Because of the creepy scene where they show Ozone and Turbo's house and in it they have  (Are you ready?) a life-size Kelly doll! (What is THAT for? Does Ozone hump it when Kelly's out-of-town or does he just use it to practice dancing with?)
 
In one funny scene Ozone trys to teach Turbo how to dance with a girl by letting him practice with The Kelly Doll. The two end up fighting over the doll and eventually ripping it to shreds (Thank God it wasn't the real Kelly!) and then they toss what's left of the doll aside and grab eachother and romantically dance cheek-to-cheek! (Let yer freak flag fly, Fellas!)
 
This movie has a lot of bad scenes (the hospital dance scene where patients, doctors, nurses, EVERYBODY leaps into dance, for instance. And, yes, they all look like idiots) but it does have ONE really GOOD scene: Turbo dances around the house, literally UP the walls and ACROSS the ceiling. How this is done is they used the same rotating room that Freddy killed Tina in in A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET  (and I apologize if I just ruined the whole illusion for you - No, Children, Turbo didn't REALLY know how to dance on walls!)
 
This movie ends with everyone throwing The Big Show, sporting neon day-glo and dancing their little asses off. Quite frankly, The Big Show was a  little disappointing. All this movie really did was make me compare it to BREAKIN', which was a much better movie.
 
My Score: A generous 5
 
BODY ROCK: Grab a lot of beer and a couple of funny friends - This one's a hoot! I had read that BODY ROCK was hysterically bad and well, 'twas all too true! It is truly one of those so-bad-it's-good laff riots (It takes about 15 minutes to heat up but stick with it. It DOES get wet-your-pants,tears-in-your-eyes,spit-take funny!)
 
It "stars" Lorenzo Lamas as a guy named CHILLY D (and, yes, all his clothes have "CHILLY D" emblazoned on them) who CAN'T breakdance OR rap convincingly but who hangs out at a local "club" (his friend's basement) with all his buds, some of who actually CAN dance and/or rap. Of course The Big Goal is for the crew to Get Discovered and Make It Big.
 
CHILLY D goes on a job interview (Wait til you get a load of what he wears to job interviews! If the ability to flaunt chest hair got people jobs he'd be your boss!) and when he's asked to "please leave" he lingers around long enough to over-hear a conversation about a new (real) club that is opening up and looking for entertainment.
 
He invites the rich, uptight, evil, white folk to his "club" to see his talented troupe (Lemme take a minute here to point out that the "Wow Factor" on how well these people perform is about 50-50: Some of them can Bust A Move and some of them out-right SUCK!) I've noticed while watching these movies that there is usually a little kid who can really dance in these things. This movie  has one, but for some inexplicable reason one of his big dance numbers is sped-up...and I was pissed... cuz seeing that he was one of the only people in the cast who COULD dance I wanted to see him do it!
 
Speaking of cast....Have you ever wanted to see "Fred" from VALLEY GIRL as a mix-master DJ? You HAVE? Well, then THIS is the movie for you! Cameron Dye is here (He's the only one in the cast worth a sh!t, unless you're a closet Lorenzo Lamas fan. Tthe only thing I ever liked Lorenzo Lamas in was GREASE and in that he had about two minutes of screen time in a non-speaking role!) as a mix-master DJ named E-Z. CHILLY D dates E-Z's sister (which gave me an opportunity to make a bad joke about how HER name should have been "E-Z". Bahahaha!)
 
Somehow CHILLY D gets a gig rapping (terribly AND terribly funny) at the new nightclub. He's horrible...BUT he's a hit! Don't miss the scene where he dances under blacklight in white gauze and glow-in-the-dark WHAM Wake-Me-Up-Before-You-Go-Go makeup while dudes dressed in glow-in-the-dark skeleton outfits try to kick his ass through the art of interpretive dance. Hilarious!
 
This scene is only to be topped by the humdinger where CHILLY D suavely performs a smarmy song called Smooth Talker. (Around this time I was so tear-stained and wet-pantsed that I was thinking "You know what? I should buy myself a copy of this for Christmas!" I haven't felt that way since SANTA'S SLAY! If I could afford it I would buy everybody I know a copy of this Craptastic Adventure and stuff it in their stocking!)
 
Do I recommend this movie? To anyone who likes to drink beer and watch a movie through beer-goggles and laugh? Yes I do! I was thoroughly entertained! It may not make you feel like dancin' but you WILL laugh your heinie off!
 
As A Serious Movie: 2
 
As A funny "Whatever Made Lorenzo Lamas Think he Could Sing And Dance? " Flick: 7 1/2 (Not as "good" as BREAKIN' but Bad Movie Heaven!)
 
* BEAT STREET: Either this movie took itself too seriously or I didn't take it seriously enough.
 
I felt this movie - instead of just being about dancing - went a little overboard with story, plot, charactor development, tragedy and other elements that aren't entirely at home in an '80s Dance Movie.
 
For starters, not everyone in this is a breaker. Some people rap, some people "mix", some are graffiti "artists".....
 
And in the first five minutes of meeting the main charactors I knew one of them was gonna die! And ya know what? I was RIGHT! This guy DOESN'T make it to the end credits!
 
So anyway, there is a whole lotta story packed in here about poor, young inner-city teens who spend their days dancing, rapping, mixing, spray-painting and partying (without the aid of beer and drugs - Really - all they need is a 5 x 5 piece of linoleum to spin on and they're happy as flies on sh!t!). They are a peace lovin' bunch except they do not cotton to "biters" - people who rip-off their art. When they come across "biters" they don't fight or have shoot outs though. They WEST SIDE STORY-like Fight-Dance (No, really!)
 
The movie is best when there IS dancing going on. The BEAT STREET soundtrack is not as tight as the BREAKIN' soundtrack but the dancing is good. There is a You Got Served club scene where there is a rivalry dance-off and everyone is spinnin' and poppin' and lockin' and doing all this crazy contortionist sh!t...and it made me wonder how this style of dance EVER went out of fashion! Watching people spin on their heads is COOL!
 
As far as cast goes Rae Dawn Chong is the only one you're gonna recognize here and she really doesn't DO much. She doesn't rap, she doesn't sing, she doesn't break, she doesn't spray-paint subway cars. She's pretty much on hand to play The Love Interest. Yeah, there's a forced Love Story in the movie that leads us into (Nooo!) a musical moment where we get a schmaltzy love song about "opposites attracting". Here  we are shown how beautiful the gritty urban decay of the ghetto looks when looking at it through the eyes of love! Don't you wish someone would break this crap up and start doing The Worm???
 
There IS an amusing Santa Claus Rap scene and then the movie gets DEAD SERIOUS as someone (Guess who?!) DIES . Instead of a depressing funeral his friends throw him a Big Bang-Up Memorial Service Rap-athon!
 
If you legitimately were a die-hard breakdancing freak who totally embraced the music, style, moves,art, etc.....then this COULD be one of the best movies ever made about it.
 
If - like me - you are looking for some cool moves amidst the cheese and giggles  then this movie is pretty heavy-handed and not as candy-coated, pretty and fun as BREAKIN'.
 
My verdict? Rent both and decide for yourself!
 
My Score 4 1/2
 
* WILD STYLE: This movie, instead of featuring actors and actresses, features Real Life singers/ rappers/ mixers/ graffiti "artists" etc. I'm sure to a lot of people that gives the film "street cred". To me it felt like Amateur Hour at THE APOLLO. (The "actors" in BREAKIN' are MASTERPIECE THEATER quality compared to the people in WILD STYLE!)
 
Among the names those in the know might be familiar with, the following peeps appear in WILD STYLE: GRANDMASTER FLASH, FAB FIVE FREDDY, GRANDMASTER DXT, ROCK STEADY CREW, COLD CRUSH BROTHERS, DJ A.J., DOUBLE TROUBLE, BUSY BEE, FANTASTIC FREAK and DONDI.
 
The main charactor here is a graffiti "artist" who no one (not even his best friends and girl) realizes is "ZORO" - THE best Spray-Paint-Picasso in da hood.
 
One day this car pulls up in the hood and there's this platinum-blonde white woman in it boppin' her head along to BLONDIE...and for a second I thought "Hey, is Deborah Harry in this???" But alas - it was some no-name Poor Man's Deborah Harry. She's a journalist who has come into the ghetto to interview The Gang for a piece she's doing on the whole Hip Hop sub-culture. So they take her to some rinky-dink little club to watch The Gang perform. You know: Like we've seen in all the OTHER breakdancing movies. She's really gettin' into it (She even bops onto the floor and pulls some lame-ass moves to show she's a hip chick) and around this time I turned to my husband and said "This isn't very good, is it?" and he said "No!" (and he usually LOVES breakdancing movies!)  From that point on we started to Pwer Drink hoping it would make the movie better. Alas, it did not.
 
So when the white woman goes to leave the club a bunch of thugs threaten to murder/rob/rape her and at this point I took great offense! Why harass HER? Cuz she was the only white woman in the club? What ever happened to Good Old Fashioned Cleavon Little Brand Of Hospitality ("Where The White Women At?")  Or maybe they were just peeved cuz they thought she was Debbie Harry and when they realized she wasn't gonna perform Rapture they were just furious! Whatever....
 
So now we get to see the flip-side of fish-out-of-water when the hoodlum teens get to visit a fancy-shmancy gallery that's just chock-fulla white folk. It is here that "aka ZORO" gets approached by a horny dowager who hires him to paint a big professional-looking mural. She offers him boku bucks (and SEX, it's implyed!) and - although most of his peeps would consider this "selling out" he gets to work on secretly doing this painting.
 
Soon his slutty girlfriend (Rumor has it she'll screw anyone who holds a can of spray-paint!) finds out about his secret project and she confronts him and heaps obnoxious scorn at him. Now what she doesn't realzie is that up until now he hasn't been able to garner inspiration. He has painted two hands reaching out(symbolizing "The Artist") but he cant think of WHAT to put in the middle. Her bee-yotching leads him to have a great epiphany: He has the hands reaching out on both sides of a STAGE and in the middle ON the stage he has this huge gala event where all his friends rap and sing and dance and etc. etc. etc.
 
Yeah. I hated it. Like I said at the start, there was nothing PROFESSIONAL about it. Even the breakdancing scenes (I was appalled at how FEW there were!) were illy concieved and not very impressive. I couldn't wait for this movie to end. It has a HUGE fan base though...so what do I know?
 
My Score: 2
 
* KRUSH GROOVE: I really liked this movie - In fact, I will have to rent it again one day soon cuz I started watching it around dinner time and ended up in the kitchen during some of it - but what I DID see I enjoyed immensely! I got just as much joy out of watching KRUSH GROOVE as I did BREAKIN' (which is High Praise seeing that BREAKIN' is now the movie I weigh all other breakdance movies next to)
 
What KRUSH GROOVE had that BREAKIN' didn't have was a calvacade of familiar faces: RUN DMC! SHEILA E! KURTIS BLOW! THE BEASTIE BOYS! LL COOL J! THE FAT BOYS! NEW EDITION! All in one movie! This is epic!
 
The soundtrack was great, featuring a lot of stuff I knew very well (FORCE MD's Tender Love, RUN DMC's King Of Rock, SHEILA E's Love Bizarre) and some stuff that just managed to ignite a spark in my brain that I vaugely remembered hearing as a Young White Child Of The '80s (KURTIS BLOW, NEW EDITION)
 
The dancing? Not as good as the singing. (It IS impressive to watch SHEILA E sing, dance AND play drums at the same time though)
 
Now..the STORYLINE? Yeah, it's one of those We Gotta Raise Money - We Gotta Make It Big combos and it's been done to death but like I said before: This movie is so full of familar Hip Hop Royalty and great tunes that you won't care.
 
The ACTING? Well, let's just say that when it comes to acting these people are great ....singers!
 
I would definately recommend this to anyone who loved the '80s, enjoyed BREAKIN' or both.
 
My Score: A Feel-Good 8
 
COMING SOON: My Reviews For  ROOFTOPS and STYLE WARS!
 
 
* MY REVIEW OF HARD ROCK ZOMBIES
 
or OH YOU SEXY HITLER:
 
Karl got me HARD ROCK ZOMBIES as one of my birthday presents (Thannnnks, Karl). It's one of those movies that the sceond you pop it in you're like "What YEAR was this made?" (1985, by the way) Anyhoo, the story here is that a bunch of SPINAL TAP-looking rockers head to a strange little town to put on a concert even though Jailbait Groupie Girl warns them that the town's zealots don't WANT them there. Seems the new song they've penned is a re-animation incantation and when they perform it they raise the dead. Literally.
 
If you MUST watch this movie (I don't recommend it) make sure you stick around for Hitler. Or better yet, DONT - He gets a sex scene. Yikes! The less said about THAT the better!
 
* EXPLOITATION HOE-DOWN:
 
My friend John gave me the 50 CULT CLASSICS box-set and so I got to watch some of these Don't-Let-This-Happen-To-YOU cautionary tales that used to scare teenagers straight in the '30s (The irony here is that I was wasted when I watched them and the whole goal of these things was to keep everybody clean. Bahaha! It IS to laugh). I will review a few here:
 
CHAINED FOR LIFE: This one wasn't so bad but it wasn't as bizarre as it could have been. It stars The Hilton Sisters (no, not Paris and Nikki) Daisy and Violet, who were singing Siamese Twins that were featured in the creepy flick FREAKS (Highly recommended! Check it out!)  One of the sisters marries a publicity-seeking sharpshooter who runs out on her on their wedding night. Because of this her sis that's quite attached to her (ar ar) shoots the stupid fucker dead.  Now they are in court and the judge doesn't know how to punish the GUILTY twin without punishing the INNOCENT one too!  What does he DO? Well, nothin'! The movie cops out and ends with the confused judge looking out into the audience and asking us "What would YOU do?"
 
This movie failed to anwer all those Siamese Twins quandries that keep me awake at night: How do they go to the bathroom? Masterbate? Have sex? When one gets sick do they both get sick? What happens to Twin 2 when Twin 1 dies? And so on. Nope. None of THAt was explained. All I learned about Siamese Twins from watching this movie  is that they can sing and live and love. And  - oh yeah- get pissed off and shoot people.
 
CHILD BRIDE: This one was okay. The movie starts with a disclaimer that tells us that when the picture was made (in the '30s) the practive of hillbilly men marrying little girls was quite common. This movie was made to draw our attention to the plight! And help to HOPEFULLY stop it!
 
The new school marm in town returns to her childhood mountain home to find that most of her female students are married to their uncles and stayin' home barefoot, birthin' a litter of babies. She decides to Stop The Madness! The rednecks don't take too kindly to her and her meddling ways and so they string the bitch up and try to run her outta town.
 
The lead lech has taken a shine to little Jennie, a twelve year old farm girl who has the same brand of "Aw shucks" innocence that Shirley Temple had. He likes to watch her skinny dip ("Don't look!" Jennie warns her 12 year old beau and his dog, unaware that there is an evil moonshine-sipping forty year old degenerate peeping her from way up yonder!) When Jennie's Mom kills her Pappy in a drunken scuffle Dirty Ole Bastard bursts through the door and tells her she better hand over Jennie or else he's gonna tell the sherriff what happened. So she hands over the kid. (She's not losing a daughter, she's gaining a Dirty Old Man!)
 
The Bride gets kissed and dragged home to the marital bed but some last minute shit happens and she's spared, cherry in tact. Her twelve year old boyfriend is delighted that lil Jennie has managed to save the goods for HIM!
 
* MARIJUANA MENACE: I only got half-way through this one. It was sort of like REEFER MADNESS only REEFER MADNESS is a classic and this ....isn't. Too plotty. Instead of just having the gal in in the movie get hooked on The Devil's Weed they have a long and plotty lead-up about how this chick's sister is trying to get her hooked so she becomes a depraved pariah and never gets her hands on the family fortune. Or something like that.
 
Of course, this movie shows a bunch of "teens" (who look like they are all 28) hanging out and smoking "special cigerettes" (Ya' ever notice in these things nobody smokes a joint like a joint? No one takes a deep hit and then passes it. They all just sit around smoking joints like cigerettes! They just sit there puffing away!) Before the girl got hooked and her life went to hell in a hand-basket I got bored and turned it off.
 
I like Instant Gratifivation in my drug movies!
 
I like them to go something like this:
 
Jane: What ya got there, Joe?
 
Joe: It's a marijuana cigerette, Jane.
 
Jane: MARIJUANA??? Joe, that's a drug! And drugs are BAD for you!
 
Joe: Lighten up, Jane. It's just a silly cigerette. It's not like I'm doing HEROINE or OPIUM or anything. It just helps me take the edge off and feel sort of mellow. Sort of happy. You should try it, Jane.
 
Jane: Gee, are ya sure, Joe?
 
Joe: Well, I smoke it and I'm still a swell guy, right, Jane?
 
Jane: Well, I guess if YOU smoke, it, Joe.....I HAVE been feeling a bit tense lately what with exams and cheerleader try-outs and my role in the school play.....
 
(Jane takes joint from Joe and smokes the whole thing in one sitting. Huge billowing clouds of smoke permeate the scene. Cue to montage of scenes of Jane dancing wildly (they ALWAYS dance wildly in these things!), Jane playing the piano at 90 miles per hour, Jane necking with Joe, Jane stealing her Mom's purse (she needs more drug money!), Jane venturing to the seedy part of town to find the drug den, Jane going to the drug den, Jane witnessing the drug pusher getting murdered, Jane grabbing "the stash" and running out of the drug den, Jane almost getting hit by Joe's best friend Jim's car, Jane getting in the car with Jim, Jane and Jim smoking as they ride in the car (with lots of smoke billowing out the car windows), Jim driving the car into a tree and dying, Jane running home where no one is home but her little sister Judy, Jane forcing Judy to smoke pot, Jane and Judy going skinny-dipping, Judy drowning and Jane feeling terrible remorse and vowing NEVER to smoke again. This all takes place in the span of 45 minutes.
 
MY OWN PERSONAL EXPLOITATION HOE-DOWN: When I was in Junior High I wrote a comic book (Boy, do I wish I still HAD it - I probably DO- My Mom never throws ANYTHING out!) about a girl who starts taking drugs at a party. This, of course, leads to her terrible demise. My friends caught me working on it one day, passed it around and all told me how much they loved it. Soon after, we found out we had to do projects for Health Class. I tryed to think up a way I could get away with handing in the comic book as my project. My friends suggested I turn it into a script and have them act it out as a play. We went to TE AMO the next morning and bought candy cigerettes for joints and RED HOTS  candy for pills. We then proceeded to put on our One Night Only performance. Risa and Donna and a few other people were in it. I know we made Aida the "victim" because she was the smallest and so it made it easy for her to drug her way into unconsciousness and be carried around by "worried friends", for her to be a human tug-of-war rope for her "best friend" and "The Pusher" to pull back and forth, and for her to be carried off to the precinct by "the cops" at the end. The play was a huge hit, I got a good grade (for once!), I paid my cast in candy and my career as a writer had it's start. True story!
 
* WICKED CELEBRITY GOSSIP 2008
 
or IT'S FUNNY CUZ IT DIDN'T HAPPEN TO YOU:
 
Poor Heath Ledger died. From now on whenever I see a gay cowboy I will think of him (Don't laugh: I live in New York. I see a LOT of gay cowboys!)
 
While I was not a huge fan of Heath I gotta love any guy who was named after candy! I think he was a pretty good actor who made pretty good movies. He also starred in The Only Love Scene That Actually Made Me Say "Day-ummm!" Out Loud, parodyed here
 
UPDATE: Uh-oh. This does NOT look good. Now they are saying that the person who found Heath's body called Mary Kate Olson BEFORE they called 911. I don't know about you, but when I think of Mary Kate Olson I think of one thing: Drugs. And bush babies. And Gollum. Okay, that's three things. But you know what I'm getting at. Was this person calling Mary Kate to say "Remember the pills you and Heath bought from Sugar Bear last night? Don't take any!" or what?
 
I really hope I'm wrong about this - but y'know - some people you just hear their name pop up in a story and your mind goes "Well, if THAT person is in this story maybe drugs are involved". It's like that time my husband found those text messages on my phone from Keith Richards. The next thing I knew Dr Drew was at my house asking questions. I told him that I was heading to OTB that day and that Keith wanted me to put $5000 on the white horse for him. Totally believable, right? Yeah. Dr Drew didn't think so either.
 
Speaking of drugs and celebrities and celebrities we THINK do drugs: AMY WINEHOUSE must have heard that I put my money in the pool on her to be the next celebrity to die because she apparently checked herself into Rehab (And THAT joke just writes itself, does it not? Get it? Cuz AMY has a hit song called "Rehab"? I bet the other patients are walking past her going "No No No" all day long. They better be careful: With or without I'm sure that bitch can kick some major ass!
 
I actually have AMY's CD BACK TO BLACK and I really like it. But I've seen LADY SINGS THE BLUES and it makes me wonder: Maybe you HAVE to do drugs to be able to sing this way? It reminds me of a joke Brian made on FAMILY GUY once about Jazz musicians who quit taking drugs: "No Junk, No Soul". Think about it: A lot of musicians start to suck after they stop taking drugs! The exception to the rule is AEROSMITH. Aside from them I can't think of one person whose music got better when they got clean.
 
When did BRITNEY SPEARS get an English accent? This is even more insane than MADONNA's English accent! MADONNA at least lives in England and married an English dude so it's possible she got her accent by proxy. BRITNEY dated that married paparazzi guy who looks like my husband and a few weeks later she suddenly went cockney! Blimey!
 
You know - Funny Story- my husband's family lived in England for a few years (Okay, more than "a few" - he was actually born there - Yeah, I married a Red-Coat. Get over it) and now they all live in America. My husband's sister talks like The Queen Mum with a veddy proper English accent. NOBODY ELSE IN THE FAMILY has an English accent but her! You would think she just got off the boat yesterday. This got me to thinking: Is she faking it? I can't wait for the day she slips and goes "CANTCHA SEE I'M WALKIN' HERE????" like a Brooklyn cab-driver. How can she live in Queens, New York and STILL sound like Kate Winslett? No, Sir, I ain't buying it.
 
I heard a rumor and I got all excited but - alas - it ended up being not true! I wanna share the story with you anyway, cuz for the five minutes I thought it was true I was in Heaven, all over that shit! I heard that Jamie-Lynn Spears was going to sign her baby over to her mother and have her mother raise it. Totally not true, but you can see why the very thought of it would delight me, right? The thought of the baby being not only Jamie Lynn's DAUGHTER but her SISTER too? That was a hillbilly joke that just wrote itself! Alas - not true, dammit!
 
Eddie Murphy was married for two weeks. Now - I could have sworn TMZ said "two days". Maybe they DID and were just making a joke? OR maybe the fussin' and fightin' just happened to START on Day Two? Well, whatever. Apparently Eddie wanted to bring his mother on the honeymoon (Now THAT'S hot!) and his wife wanted to keep her last name so she would have the same last name as her kids or....if you wanna believe the tongue-waggers.....some people have never gotten past Eddie pickin' up that transvestite a few years ago and they think Eddie swings both ways. Or maybe just ONE way. The way in the OPPOSITE direction of vag. Now keep in mind I DON'T THINK this, I'm just telling you what other people have said! But yeah, two weeks is a pretty short time to be married. I have lettuce in my fridge older than that!
 
Pamela Anderson is getting a divorce too. I know, you're SHOCKED, right? If Pammy and whats-his-name can't make it work then  what chance do the rest of us have? I think the mistake here was that Pam married a mere mortal. I don't even consider this guy a celebrity. You don't just go from marrying people like Tommy Lee and KID ROCK to marrying Joe Blow. It's like that thing on SESAME STREET: One Of These Things Is NOT Like The Others: Tommy Lee, KID ROCK and Guy-Who-Made-Porno-Tape-With-PARIS HILTON-Five-Years-Ago. Dude should have at least been in a band or something. I think she should have married IGGY POP. Or maybe that guy in GOOD CHARLOTTE who knocked up Nicole Richie could have set her up with his twin or something? Is Johnny Rotten still alive?! It's like they should have a PAMELA ANDERSON EDITION of THE DATING GAME where we the audience get to vote on who her next husband should be: IGGY POP, Joel Madden or Johnny Rotten.
 
And another thing.....ahhh shit...the phone is ringing....Hold up....Oh snap! It's LEIF GARRET...I better take this one.....Talk to you guys later!  
 
DAYS OF BEER AND LISTICK 1 : WHATEVER HAPPENED TO BABY GABE?
 
I spent a good portion of my teen years doggedly pursuing this stoney guy named Gabriel Rosique. He was everything you would want your daughter's First Love to be: He was tall, he was cute, he had the sex drive of a stone.
 
For whatever reason this guy had absolutely no interest in sex. Some say it was because he was very, very shy (True). Some say it was because he was such a big pothead that he was comfortably numb (Quite possible). Others say he was a closet homsexual (The jury's still out on this one).
 
But for whatever reason my tortured dreams of throwing this cute, young thing down for a roll in the proverbial hay were always nixed by him. My parents should send this guy a Thank You card and a nice, fat check because HE and HE alone is what kept me a virgin for as long as I was.
 
Don't get me wrong: There were times we swapped spit. There were times I drunkenly flashed him and he said "Wow!" There was one time at one of my birthday parties that a bunch of my friends talked him into being my "present" and I did something to him - but according to Bill Clinton THAT doesn't count.
 
For the most part our relationship consisted of hanging out on a park bench, me trying to get delis to sell me beers (I had a 75% Success Rate) and me watching him get stoned.
 
As the years went by I finally accepted defeat and started dating other people. Around this time he had started getting a little weird. He started hanging out with funky friends. He started hanging out in The Village and getting all his clothes for less than a buck at thrift stores. He started going really long periods of time without washing his hair, then asking me to try to guess HOW long it had beem since he last washed it (People who do drugs have a way about them - They can just twist a piece of hair around their finger and look at it and go "Whoaaaaa!". And you're just like "Whoa WHAT????") By the time he looked like he should be hanging out at The Factory with Andy Warhol I had to call it a night. By then he had taken up with some really seedy people and I just couldn't take chances on his freaky friends finding out where I lived and robbing me.
 
I stll think about Gabe from time to time. And I have dreams about him form time to time. In fact, I had a dream about him last night and that's what prompted me to write this. It was a PG-rated dream (Of course! Even in my DREAMS that little minky STILL won't put out!): We were teenagers, walking down the street, holding hands, kissing and making plans to (I kid you not) go rollerskating. Awwwww! Isn't that sweet?!
 
Now that I'm old and married and have a kid I find my need for sex being less and less. Maybe Gabe was right! Maybe we DON'T need sex to be happy!
 
If I ever get a divorce or become a widow (My husband is in The Army. It could happen!) I will look Gabe up and if he's still single we can live a happy, sexless existence together. We can sit on the same park bench, me with a 40 of BUDWEISER, him with a spliffy and we can play GUESS WHAT KIND OF SHAMPOO I USED AND WHEN.
 
I'm a'guessing PANTENE, Gabe. And I'm a'guessing it was in 1992.
 
Anyone know the wehereabouts of Gabe? Please email me at mamamiasweetpeaches@msn.com
 
UPDATE: A few weeks later I was shocked to find a reply in my email box. It was someone who claimed to know Gabe and said that he was alive and well. They even stated what state he (allegedly) lives in and what he (allegedly) does for a living. I wasn't totally swayed though (In other words I thought this might be some evil prankster f*cking with me!) and THAT is why I am not listing where the person says Gabe lives and what the person says Gabe does for a living. I don't want a bunch of people to send me emails pulling my leg saying "Yup, yup: I know him" and giving me the same recycled story - Anyone who says they know him better have some facts to back it up! Or better yet - give Gabe my email address and have HIM write me! That's what I told my one lone reply to do and I never heard from the guy again. Now I just sit and wait in vain for the email from Gabe that never comes.
 
I tells ya, you could f*ck a million people and STILL you never forget your First Childhood Love*.
 
* Not that I've f*cked a million people.**
 
** It's TWO million at LEAST!
 
* WACKY ASIAN CINEMA THAT WAS SORT OF LAME 101 : KOMA:
 
KOMA is based on that old Urban Legend about people spiking your drink, taking you to a hotel room, cutting out your kidney(s) and then leaving you in a bathtub full of ice. When you wake up there is usually a message scrawled on the bathroom mirror that says "Call A Doctor Or You Will Die" or something like that.
 
In this Asian Horror movie our main charactor is this sickly, little, skinny broad named "Ching". She has a boyfriend named "Wai". He's been cheating on her with an organ thief (!) named "Ling" (Yes, this movie has main charactors named "Ching" and "Ling". And - get this - LATER in the movie the guy is on the phone with someone named "Ming"! I kid you not: "Ching", "Ling" and "Ming"... ALL in the same movie!)
 
Throughout the movie Ling calls Ching on her cel phone and taunts "I'm gonna cut out your kidney!" Sucks, right? Well, to make matters worse Ching finds out that Ling has NOT ceased banging her boyfriend Wai! Despite ALL this, Ching and Ling become friends ("Like sisters!" Ching muses. Bitch, are you CRAZY?!!!)
 
Of course, by the time Ling and Ching have built up a great, trusting friendship Ling starts to act all bat-shit crazy and starts to get all SINGLE WHITE FEMALE on Ching (Really: Is ANYBODY surprised?) The movie's ending has Ling chasing Ching around, knife in hand, getting ready to seperate Ching from her kidneys and me at home shaking my head in disbelief and saying "You know what? Ching is so stupid she deserves it!"
 
* WHEN YOU TAKE A SEAT AT THE GAY BAR DO THE GUYS OFFER TO PUSH YOUR STOOL IN?:
 
I am thinking of opening a gay bar but i'm stuck on what I should call it: THE MAN-HOLE or THE POOP-CHUTE? Vote now! mamamiasweetpeaches@msn.com
 
* THE RE-MAKE I WANT TO SEE - "SLEEPAWAY CAMP" WITH ZAC EFRON AS "ANGELA"!:
 
I hate all these modern Hollywood basterdizations of Horror Classics. I used to rent them out of morbid curiosity, just to see how BAD they are (After all, I luv me some Bad Movies!) but around the time PROM NIGHT came out and my daughter's friends thought it looked like it was "gonna be cool" and begged me to take them something in my mind snapped. It was sort of like the Bizarro World version of FIELD OF DREAMS. I heard a voice inside my head that said "IF THEY MAKE IT, I WILL NOT COME". As long as I keep paying to rent these films, Pay-Per-View them or buy the bootlegs from that crazy Asian lady in front of CLUCK 4 A BUCK people will keep making these terrible remakes! I have decided I wont even watch them if they pop on TV for FREE! It is the PRINCIPAL of the thing!
 
I have heard a whole slew of Classics are getting the re-make treatment: EVIL DEAD, FRIDAY THE 13TH, NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET (supposedly Billy Bob Thorton is playing "Freddy"?) and (even stranger than that BB Thorton thing) they are re-making CANDYMAN....with A WHITE GUY as "CANDYMAN"!!!
 
There IS one movie though that puts the "sick" in "classick" and that is SLEEPAWAY CAMP. It's not just One Of My All-Time Favorite HORROR Movies, it's also One Of My All-Time Favorite Cult Classics, One Of My All-Time Favorite Comedys and One Of My All-Time Favorite Movies EVER. I do think it could benefit from a terrible remake though, but only if I'M the guy calling the shots! There are people like Eli Roth or Uwe Boll who could screw this movie up UNINTENTIONALLY....but I could do it right and INTENTIONALLY give the people the goods in the SPRINGTIME FOR HITLER vein. A Horror movie SO BAD everyone would clamor to see it just so they could say "WOW! I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS THING WAS EVER MADE!!!"
 
Dont bother reading this if you've never seen SLEEPAWAY CAMP, it will be wasted on you:
 
MAMAMIASWEETPEACHES PRESENTS SLEEPAWAY CAMP 2009
 
Starring Zac Efron as "Angela"
Miley Cyrus as "Judy"
Jesse Me Cartney as "Paul"
Nick Jonas as "Ricky"
Tara Reid as "M.E.G Meg"
Gary Busey as Pedophile Cook
Tom Cruise and John Travolta as The Gay Fathers
Alexis Arquette as Crazy Aunt Martha
rest of cast soon to be announced
Directed by John Waters
 
 
 
 
 
COMING SOON:
 
PINKY TUSCADERO: FINAL GIRL or MY REVIEW OF NEW YEARS EVIL!
 
"TIMELESS" PARTY ANTHEMS!
 
WEIRD CELEBRITIES I WANNA GET FREAKY WITH!
 
MILEY CYRUS VS THE JACKSON FIVE!
 
THE TOP 85 MOST DEPRESSING SONG - PAAAAATCHES!
 
WHAT'S YOUR DAMAGE, CHARLIE BROWN???
 
AND MORE!
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 


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