CLINKERS & STINKERS: Quite Possibly The Worst Movies Ever Made

Not So-Bad-They're Good. Just Bad! Really, Really Bad!

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Get ready to die laughing. MANOS:HANDS OF FATE

While I truly enjoy so-bad-it's-good Cult Classics there are some truly bad movies that are just bad on all levels and, therefore, not enjoyable on any levels. I will now review a few of these Clinkers & Stinkers:
TERROR TOONS:  Terrible Awful Yuck Stink Pooh! Stay away from this brain-numbing stupidity at all cost!
My friend rented this by mistake thinking it was a legit Horror movie. He should have demanded his money back because it's not even a "real movie". Does that make sense? It does if you've ever seen this straight-to-video sh*t-fest. It's torture. Torture, I say! When we finally find Osama Bin Laden we should tie him up A CLOCKWORK ORANGE-style and force him to watch TERROR TOONS again and again until he begs to be taken out of his misery. 
I have tryed scouring all memory of this movie out of my mind with rusty steel wool. Here's what I remember: The "plot"....and it gives me pee pee chills to call it a "plot".... goes a little something like this: It starts out looking suspiciously like a porno movie with mom and dad going out of town leaving their two nubile bimbo daughters alone. Older daughter invites her friends over to party while younger sister goes in her bedroom to watch a mysterious video called TERROR TOONS . She is hypnotized by the video's images and then cheesy "cartoon" villains (Really some guys dressed in the cheapest Horror costumes you've ever seen) are released to commit bloody mayhem.The costumes here are laughable, not scary. One guy is even in a monkey suit, I kid you not.
If this in any way sounds cool to you: DON'T YOU BELIEVE IT! It's the absolute pits. It's like stink on pooh.  Mere words can not convey. Just promise me you won't watch this. It's too late for me. Save yourself.
DUDE, WHERE'S MY CAR?:  My Sweet Baboo Hal Sparks is actually in this movie for about five minutes towards the end, but that doesn't save it from being a terrible movie. It's not Hal's fault though. Sir Laurence Olivier couldn't save this suck-fest from being a mind-numbingly bad movie.
Two stoners come into some money and get so wasted that they can't remember how they spent the night or where they put the car (Hence the "clever" title).
This could easily have been a funny movie but the writing is just so insultingly bad that nothing funny happens and no really witty lines come out of anybody. In fact, I only laughed once (During the "interrogation scene"). The humor in this film is so dumb you feel the film makers must have had absolute contempt for their audience. If they are considering making a sequel to this here is my open letter to them begging : Dude, Please Don't!
BOXING HELENA: Kim Bassinger made a verbal agreement to star in this movie and then backed out, which landed her in court. Now considering the bombs Kim Bassinger has allowed herself to be in (BLIND DATE, MY STEPMOTHER IS AN ALIEN) you can't help but wonder how terrible the script for BOXING HELENA must have been.
It's that bad, believe me. It's so bad that watching it is almost a religious experience. In fact, twenty years from now people will pull this out of the vault and observe it on a whole new Cult Classic level. Julian Sands is a surgeon obssesed with a woman he once had a one-night-stand with (Sherilyn Fenn). She doesn't love him though. To quote an old joke she's not a "slut" she's a "b*tch" because a "slut" sleeps with everybody and a "b*tch" sleeps with everybody but you.
Somehow he lures her to his house where they argue. When she storms out into the street to get away from him she is hit by a truck . She wakes up with no legs. He amputated them,he says, because the truck accident broke them. We, the audience, know he really hacked 'em off to keep her at his mercy.
He wheels her around in a wheelchair, she complains some more, so he removes her arms. Now she's just a good looking stump who is totally dependant on him.
The acting by everyone in this is terrible, but I guess with so many surreal situations they figured the only way they could go was way, way over-the-top.
SPOILER: Because there was no way for this movie to end happily for Helena they had the ending be "It was all just a dream". In fact, when this movie came out there were female protestors disgusted by the way this movie treated women who leaked out the secret ending.  The first time I saw this movie I thought it was dreadful. The second time I laughed my a** off. If you can let go and just allow yourself to wallow in the crapulence you might actually enjoy BOXING HELENA.
VICIOUS!: VICIOUS!  is just one of the many straight-to-video "charmers" Karl and I have rented. For what its worth, it was in the Horror section of the video store and the cover on the box was of a pretty, young, dissheveld woman screaming in terror in a hallway. The picture on the box and the movie? No relation at all.
The movie starts out with two teen girls hitch-hiking. They meet up with a bunch of hooligans. One girl leaves in haste and the other proceeds to shtoop one of the hooligans in the back of the car. Then for fun the hooligans break into a house unaware that the people who live there are home. Or maybe they are aware and just don't care. Whatever. This plays out like a dull too-long DESPERATE HOURS.
In one scene the woman of the house trys to talk the hooligan with a gun out of shooting her husband by offering him something cold to drink. He snarls "JUICE!" She asks "What kind of juice?" and he growls "GRAPEFRUIT!!" And if that wasn't odd enough the woman just happens to have grapefruit juice in the house! (Do you? I don't!)
VICIOUS! probably wouldn't be so heralded as one of my  worst movie picks if they hadn't had the audacity to try to pass it off as a Horror movie ...which it most certainly is not. At best it's "The guys from TRAINSPOTTING rob a house. Very slowly".
WILD WILD WEST: What what what were they thinking?
Wil Smith must be at a point in his career where he thinks his sh*t don't stink. Well, it does...and so do his movies!
What audience was WILD WILD WEST aiming for? Kids? Adults? People who actually remember the TV show? It doesn't work on any of these levels.
It stars Wil Smith, Kevin Kline and Salma Hayek's a**. Out of those three only Kevin Kline has any real worth in the world of cinema. But I can't forgive him any time soon for making this overblown turkey that I hate even more when I try to calculate the money they must've put into making it.
Painful to watch.
FREEJACK: Emilio Estevez plays a race car driver who gets in a terrible accident during a race. After the crash his body is nowhere to be found. That is because it somehow got  zapped into the future a split second before the crash. And why? Because in the future we can use this technology to get fresh bodies for wealthy old misers who are about to kick the bucket. They can transplant the old dude's brain into this new healthy body. See? Well, Emilio's not gonna' just lie there and let them do it: He's gonna' make a break for it! And they're not just gonna' let him make a break for it:
 They're gonna sic Mick Jagger on him!
Note to Mick Jagger: Don't quit your day job!
Mick Jagger does a terrible job acting in this movie, but he's in good company. No one acts above cruise-control level in FREEJACK and that's a shame for two reasons:
1. It's supposed to be a fast-paced Sci-Fi Action flick and
2. It co-stars Rene Russo and, get this, Sir Anthony Hopkins. Even Sir Anthony can't act in this one! He just sort of phones it it.
* One day I was talking about how much FREEJACK sucked with my friend Karl. He said the movie was not without merit: He said it had the best looking prostitutes in it that he has ever seen in a movie.
I have long suspected Karl may be in desperate need of a lobotomy. This confirms it.
LEPRECAUHN: Because I'm Irish my friends thought it was hysterical when the ads for this movie came out. They ran around with delerious glee saying "Ooooh! Leprecauhn! Leprecauhn! The Leprecauhn is gonna' get you!" (To make matters worse Wayne did this to Garth on SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE and that made my friends find it all the more amusing). It was only a matter of time before one of these a**holes was gonna' rent this crappy movie and try to make me sit through it.
It is so corny and not scary and the leprecauhn is just plain annoying!
Jennifer Aniston gets her leg fondled by the horny little imp, but the rest of the time he's hopping around looking for "Me gold! Me gold!" One big, fat oaf swallows a piece of gold and the leprecauhn, not satisfied with ninety nine pieces of gold, he has to have it all, decides he's going to get that piece of gold back at any cost!  (Does this mean he's going to cut the guy open or just wait until the guy takes a dump?)
As if this movie wasn't insipidly stupid enough LEPRECAUHN spawned sequels. Sequels! More than one! And they all suck!
FEARDOTCOM: This movie boasts the single most boring villain in the history of Horror movies.(The kind of guy you probably used to beat up in high school. Lord knows I did). He's the creator of FEARDOTCOM, a website that sucks you into its snuff-video-like world.
Not only is this movie confusing...but worse than that, it's dull. Rent VIDEODROME instead.
HOLY SMOKE: Harvey Keitel running through the desert in lipstick, a red dress and one boot. He's chasing Kate Winslet. She walks around naked and pees herself. Big unsexy mess.
NUTTY PROFFESOR 2. THE KLUMPS: Maybe one genuine laugh in the whole damn thing and I think they showed that scene in the commercial. The fart jokes have been done to death and even that fat little Hercules kid can't bring you a smile.
 Why did Janet Jackson make this movie? For that matter, why did Eddie Murphy?
BLIND DATE: My first date with a living breathing boy was going to see the movie BLIND DATE. We walked out on it, went to his car and made out for an hour. It was the best decision I've ever made in my life.
This turkey stars Bruce Willis, who made many a lousy turkey. It also starred Kim Bassinger who has made even worse turkeys than Bruce. I'm not being catty: Kim's a very attractive woman. But I defy you to tell me her great cinematic history. Can't do it, can you?  
Like the title would suggest Bruce and Kim go on a blind date.  Bruce is warned not to let Kim drink. He, of course, does and"mayhem ensues". No, not funny mayhem, just mayhem that'll make you groan, wince and wish you were as drunk as Kim.
Maybe your time would be better spent making out in a car. (Trust me on this one.)
This could easily be Kim Bassinger's worst movie ever if not for....
MY STEPMOTHER IS AN ALIEN: Worst.... Kim Bassinger.... movie.... EVER!  And that's saying a lot!
Dan Aykroyd is a single dad that meets up with alien Kim and marries her. He finds her confused, annoying alien quirks to be cute and endearing. You won't.
This movie is lame and not at all funny. John Lovitz can usually get me to laugh and even he fails miserably.
Can you believe Kim Bassinger won an Oscar? Not for this or BLIND DATE...But still..when you watch her list of losers you might find yourself stunned at the fact that she ever won one at all. She easily makes Marissa Tomei look like Meryl Streep.
BLUES BROTHERS 2000: I'm not a big BLUES BROTHERS person but even I have to look at BLUES BROTHERS 2000 and say "What the f*ck were they thinking?"
John Belushi (Who must've been spinning in his grave) is replaced by John Goodman (Does James Belushi feel slapped in the face or what?) And will someone please tell me what that twelve year old kid is doing in this?! No laughs, no charms, a real "What The F*ck?" moment in cinematic history.
HELLRAISER III and HELLRAISER IV and any HELLRAISERs after that: HELLRAISER is a great Horror movie. HELLBOUND:HELLRAISER II is a really good Horror movie. Shoulda' stopped there.
Now, in all fairness, Part III might not have been on this list if not for the terrible acting. Simply dreadful!
If you can forgive them Part III you still have to admit that the HELLRAISER franchise just didn't know when to end and should stop right now.
MASTER OF DISGUISE: "Turtle,turtle".
 I happen to like Dana Carvey. But when I watched the incomprehendable, unfunny, bad movie called MASTER OF DISGUISE I was embaressed for us both.
As the title would suggest Dana finds out that he's a descendant from a long line of Master's Of Disguise and that he can transform into anything from a turtle to George Bush. (I forget which George Bush. Does it really matter?)
Unfortunately, none of his costumes are all that funny and he never does such a good job disguising himself that you don't realize that "Hey! That's Dana Carvey!"
EYES WIDE SHUT: My mother has a crush on rat-faced celebrity Tom Cruise. Rosie O'Donnell has a crush on him too. So why am I convinced he is The Devil? He has these terrible movies that somehow get turned into blockbusters by the millions of milquetoast sheep that pay to see them.
EYES WIDE SHUT starts out with Tom's then-wife Nicole Kidman squatting on a toilet while he's getting dressed in the bathroom. It's an unsexy scene that sets the tone for an unsexy movie. These two have absolutley no chemistry and this will have you wondering if those "beard" rumors are true.
I turned the movie off less than half-way through. If things got better in the second half drop me an email and inform me. If I dont hear from at least ten satisfied viewers I will file this under TOM CRUISE CRAP right next to his hideous MISSION IMPOSSIBLE movies.
SCOOBY DOO: If Tom Cruise isn't The Devil might I then suggest Freddie Prinze Jr? I really can not name one good Freddie Prinze Junior movie. That doesn't stop him from making them though. SCOOBY DOO stars Freddie and his real-life wife Sarah Michelle Gellar as Freddy and Daphne. Scooby is played by cheesy computer animation, which in a way is a blessing: Would we really have wanted to see him portrayed by a guy in a dog suit?
The writing in this is so piss poor you will be absolutley beside yourself. Not fun for adults, not fun for children and almost pain-inducing to sit through. I would pick a root canal over this any day. Before this movie came out I had heard a TV review that trumpeted :"SCOOBY DOO is the diarrhea of movies". I laughed for  about twenty minutes after hearing that quote...which is twenty minutes more "ha ha" then I got during SCOOBY DOO.
FLOWERS IN THE ATTIC: A mother and her four children are left penniless when Father dies in an accident. With nowhere else to go they go to Grandmother and Grandfather's estate. The kids have never met their grandparents: Grandmother and Grandfather had dis-owned their mother when she married their father who was also their mother's uncle. Got that?
Because Grandfather is on his deathbed and never knew mother had these children ("The Devils Spawn" as Grandma so endearingly calls them) the kids have to live hidden away in a room that has a bathroom and an attic. 
On it's own this movie might not have been so bad, but it is based on the V.C. Andrews book that introduced the idea of brother and sister incest leading to happy marriage to millions of Americans. In the book the oldest son and oldest daughter fell in love, had sex and eventually got married. The movie has somehow gotten all the sex zapped out of it and been so sanitized that the movie very little resembles the book. What was the point?
Aside from that the acting is downright atrocious,especially the youngest children. Oldest daughter Kristy Swanson acts on cruise-control. Mother Victoria Tenant simpers and wipes away tears pitifully after being whipped (Anyone else woulda' crumbled in her predicament). In fact, the only one who seems to be having any fun at all is the evil whip-cracking Grandma (Louise Fletcher). She's a mean old b*tch, I'll give her that.
MANOS: HANDS OF FATE: This movie is so bad it has it's own cheering section at where it for a long time was heralded the #1 WORST MOVIE OF ALL TIME. Every so often it gets displaced to maybe the second or third worst by stuff like GIGLI and YOU GOT SERVED and everyone rallys to get it back to the #1 slot.
MANOS: HANDS OF FATE was made in the '60s by a dirt farmer who wanted to prove to his friends he could make a movie. Like Ed Wood he wanted to make a movie very badly...and made a movie...very badly. But just because MANOS: HANDS OF FATE is one of the worst movies ever made doesn't mean that watching it can't be enjoyable. The good folks at MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATRE 3000 have released their version that runs with witty zingers thrown in and that one's so funny its on my Cult Classics list. As for straight MANOS: "Manos" actually means "Hands" so the movies title translates into "HANDS: HANDS OF FATE"!
It's about a man (played by the director), his wife, his five year old bored and sleepy daughter and their poodle going on a road trip.
Do I even have to tell ya' they experience car trouble?
They end up at a strange house where a strange big kneed (!) goat-boy man-servant named Torgo says that they can stay. Torgo explains that he watches the place when The Master is not around. (Now wouldn't you have high-tailed it outta' there when Torgo said "The Master"?  Isn't that a red flag that something evil is afoot? And even if Torgo was just playfully calling him "The Master" because he was his S&M partner, wouldn't that have been reason enough to run?) Like fools, they stay.
Aside from Torgo, The Master (Who looks like FRANK ZAPPA in a red and black cape) also has a hell hound and a bevy of sheet clad wives that wrestle eachother...a lot.
By the way, no one in the flick is actually named "Manos". Manos is a never-seen evil spirit that The Master worships.
There are also charactors in this film who shouldn't even be in it, like a guy and a girl drinking hooch and making out in a car and the two cops who keep harassing them.
There's also very large moths that fly in and out of the scenes involving fire and the fire itself makes the thickest black smoke you've ever seen.
This movie also has a laugh-out-loud wildly erratic soundtrack that includes the wet-your-pants funny "Torgo's Theme".
 I could go on and on. It was a flick made by a totally incompetant film maker, three of it's stars (Torgo, the wife and girl in car) killed themselves after making it, the guy who played The Master fell off the face of the Earth never to be seen again and there's even an urban legend that watching the movie will bring the viewer bad luck.
 Have I said enough?

THE CREEPING TERROR: Perhaps the slooooooowest monster to ever attack a village. It's victims just about have to lie down and force themselves into the damn thing's mouth!
This black and white Horror movie I saw thanks to MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATRE 3000. It wasn't the best MST3K I've ever seen (that would be MANOS!) but it had it's laugh-out-loud moments and without the MST3K commentary one would have to assume this movie is even worse.
It's that old Horror stand-by :Rocket crashes to Earth, strange being crawls out and attacks, attacks, attacks.
The rumor is whoever was in charge of the soundtrack lost it and so they have a dull-as-dirt narrator dead-panning you through the movie. He even talks over the dialogue the actors are saying so you see their mouths move but don't hear what they're saying. Just the drone of the ever-so-annoying narrator.
The Monster has one of the poorest monster costumes  in the history of Horror movies If you can imagine four or five people walking under a large sheet sort of like a Chinese Dragon. And some viewers have even stated that they've "seen feet"!)
Anyway, The Monster starts out like most monsters do: Attacking teens making out at Lovers Lane. But as the flick goes on he gets less discerning and will attack just about anybody. Example:The Monster spys a strange little stubby obese man fishing with his grandson ("Bobby ! Bobby!!!") and the monster eats both of them (However, if it had eaten Grandpa first Bobby might have actually gotten away!)
The highlight is the big town dance where they have people twisting to a way-too-long dance number. The Monster walks in...slowly...the people panic....and then they take their sweet-a**  time getting out of there. Needless to say, he eats the majority of them.
The whole thing is painfully silly. I can see where maybe some folks can like this in a Cult Classic-type way. My daughter, who was five at the time, loved it. Go figure.
INCREDIBLE 2-HEADED TRANSPLANT: This one stars freaky deaky Bruce Dern as a mad scientist who is doing two-headed experiments on just about anything: Snakes, monkeys, etc. So, of course, when he gets a chance to do this with a human he doesn't think twice about it. He puts the head of an escaped mental patient on the huge lumbering body of the town simpleton Danny.
Strangely, the "evil head" seems to have all the control over the body and he uses it to storm out looking for people to kill. All the "stupid head" can do is shake it's head "No" and drool constantly...lest we forget Danny is mildly retarded.
Pat Priest (one of the Marilyns on THE MUNSTERS) plays the doctors oh-so-understanding wife. She's mostly on hand as eye-candy parading around in bathing suits and nighties. Her big highlight is getting locked in a lab animal cage.
Casey Kasem (Yup! The radio personality) is on hand as a concerned best friend and apparently the only one in the film who is wholly sane.
With a cast like this INCREDIBLE 2-HEADED TRANSPLANT should be a Cult Classic. But it's just so dumb it reeks the feel of the old '30s black and white Horror movies. This movie was made in 1971. If that seems like a long time ago consider this: A CLOCKWORK ORANGE was also made in 1971. That film was light years ahead of this peace of nullifyingly stupid crap.
View at your own risk.
This time Ray Milland plays the mad doctor who is about to stumble upon a medical breakthrough. He has put a monkey head onto another monkey. For two days or so it lived as a two-headed monkey. Then he cut the body's original head off and the new head was living just fine on the body.
He plans to do this with people.
When he has a pesky heart attack he decides he can't possibly die and rob the world of his insane genius. He's going to have this experiment be done with his head. But where to find a donor for the body?
His staff ends up finding a Death Row inmate, Rosey Grier, who agrees to take part in a medical experiment. The details they give Rosey about the experiment are a little fuzzy.
The problem that arises is that the doctor is a white man who absolutley hated black people. And guess who he has his head sewn on? The biggest, blackest man you ever did see!
He's totally disgusted. But the two are stuck together until he can think of somewhere else to have his head grafted onto.
They fight, run and ride a moterbike together but none of this really pans out the big laughs I thought could be milked out of a crazy plot-line like this.
The only real amusement is when they go to visit Rosey's girlfriend and she asks "Do you have two of anything else?"
BEVERLY HILLS NINJA: Chris Farley's painfully unfunny Kung Fu parody. Rent THEY CALL ME BRUCE instead.
Here's some advice: If you absolutly must see a Chris Farley movie make sure David Spade is in it.
BLACK DEVIL DOLL FROM HELL: Yes, there really is a movie called BLACK DEVIL DOLL FROM HELL and it's just as bad as it sounds.
A cheap hand-held camera filmed, Casio-keyboard soundtracked Horror flick that wants to be an Afro-American version of TRILOGY OF TERROR.
This movie is about a deeply religious black woman named, I kid you not, Helen Black.  Helen goes to the local thrift store one day and sees a black doll that looks like Gary Coleman with dreadlocks. She asks the shop owner about the doll and the shop owner tells her that the doll has been sold four times but still always finds it's way back to the shop. Not being weirded out by that at all Helen brings the ugly doll home with her. Her first order of business is to take the doll out, put it in a chair and take a shower in front of it(!) There's a long uncomfortable shower scene with middle-aged out-of-shape Helen soaping herself up and it's just a discomfort to watch.(If there's such a thing as "Bad Porn" this is it.). But even if YOU can't force yourself to watch, the puppet is watching. Watching and making his evil plan.
His evil plan is pretty much this: He beats Helen up, ties her to a bed and rapes her with his wood. She begs for him to stop. When he finally stops he tells her in a deep Mr T voice "Now that you have tasted the sweetness of my c*ck you will smell the foulness of my breath" and with that he opens his mouth and a fog of putrid stench comes out. Pretty repulsive, huh? Apparently, Helen doesn't think so. She thinks it's hot!
The next day we see Helen come home from work and she's looking around every corner going "Mr. Wonnnderful! Mr. Wonnn-der-ful!" 
She's looking for the doll who satisfied her like no mere mortal man ever could.
Needless to say, she doesn't get her second dance and the doll ends up back in the thrift shop.
I wish I was making this film up but it truly exists. Karl rented it . I  think he knew by the title it was gonna' be weird goings-on. We  watched in disbelief,  laughed a little and then I said "That was really creepy. Never again."
 Many years later the video store he had gotten it at was going out of business and he rented it as a "One Last Time". I wouldn't let him play it. I just about cryed begging him not to.
Deeply disturbing.
MONKEYBONE: I wanna like Brendan Fraser. But how can I when he keeps making these crappy movies?
MONKEYBONE is the worst of his crop.
It is about a comic book creator who has just signed to make his comic creation Monkeybone, a smart-a**, horny, farting monkey, into a TV series.
He's about to ask his girlfriend to marry him when he gets in an accident that lands him in a coma.
In the coma he's in a purgatory-like place called Downtown which is from the comic he drew. Monkeybone is there too. Somehow Monkeybone gets out of Downtown and into the creator's body just as they are about to pull the plug on him.
Now the monkey is in Brendan Fraser's body on the loose and making unfunny mayhem.
This movie sucks out loud.
EVEN COWGIRLS GET THE BLUES: Uma Thurman plays a girl who has huge thumbs. She decides to become a hitch-hiker.
That's the one joke that somehow gets streched into a two hour movie, Folks.
I believe there is a scene where Uma uses one of her giant thumbs to self-pleasure herself. If you let that be reason enough for you to rent this I will lose all respect for you.
GUMMO: This movie is so vile and repellant I can't even force myself to write a review for it. If you think you might enjoy watching kids sell dead cats to a Chinese resaurant and pimp out their retarded sister to their friends for sex than enjoy this nasty, plotless lesson in depravity.
ANGEL (also AVENGING ANGEL and ANGEL III): This '80s movie has a recipe that should have made for a great flick: Teen cheerleader- type (With pigtails and bobby sox!) leads a double-life.
In the day she a prim and proper high school cheerleader. At night she's a Hollywood Boulevard prostitute!
The reason? Well, unbeknownst to anyone, her mother abandoned her as a child and now Angel remains in their apartment pretending that her mother is in one of the bedrooms terminally ill and bed-ridden.
A ghoulish thing here is the scene where we first get a glimpse of Angel's bedroom: Even though Angel is a teen whore she keeps her childhood bedroom the exact way it was decorated when she was a little girl. She has a canope bed, frilly ruffly decor, teddy bears and dolls.
Even though it's implyed Angel is a prostitute we really don't get to see her getting down and dirty with any johns. No, we get to see her skipping...yes, literally skipping....down Hollywood Boulevard with her friends.
Her friends, for lack of a better word, are freaks. One guy is a retired Western star who still walks around in his cowboy hat, cowboy outfit and guns in holsters. Another friend is a drag queen. And, of course, let us not forget her fellow whores. Some of them actually do have sex with customers from time to time.
As cruel fate would have it there is a killer on the loose who likes to kill hookers. When he starts striking close to home Angel decides to become a Vigilante For Hooker Justice!
   This may not be a plot akin to GONE WITH THE WIND but it still could have been a lot of B-movie exploitation fun. It's not. Angel goes beyond being a hooker with a heart of gold. She's purity and saccahrine, sugar and spice and everything nice. When the boys at school flirt with her Angel is absolutely aghast in an "I'm not that kind of a girl" sort of way!
Even the cowboy and the trannie don't bring on the comic relief like they should.
* As of this writing this movie has two sequels: AVENGING ANGEL and ANGEL III. Both of them suck.  In each ANGEL movie "Angel" is played by a different actress. Part One was Donna Wilkes, Part Two was Betsy Russel and Part Three was Mitizi Kapture.
CHILDS PLAY: Anyone who is legitimately scared by Chucky is a mamby-pamby mama's boy!
About the only praise I can give this cheap-feeling silly movie is that whenever a kid eleven years old or younger wants to watch a Horror film at my house I can usually get away with showing them CHILDS PLAY or DEADLY FRIEND without an angry phone call from the parents. Anyone over twelve should be able to see through the sheer dumbness of this movie. But it's still heralded as a classic Horror movie by many. Go figure.
A single mother,Catherine Hicks, is trying to get the hot new talking doll toy for her son Andy. She ends up buying one from a street vendor unaware that the doll is possesed by the spirit of an evil Satanic killer.
When she gives the doll to her son it says cute phrases like "Hidy Ho!" and "You're my best friend!" (Hey, sounds like THE SIMPSONS' Ned Flanders!) but when the doll is alone with the boy it says much more sinister things (Think the TALKING TINA episode of THE TWILIGHT ZONE) The doll is evil and wants Andy to assist in it's murderous mayhem. But Andy  is a good kid and wants to stop Chucky. Unfortunately, no one believes him that the doll is evil.
There is one funny scene in this movie that is totally edited on TV so don't bother looking for it there: Chucky sneaks onto an elevator that an elderly couple is getting on. The old lady,when getting off the elevator, says "What an ugly doll" and Chucky says "F*ck You!"
If you must see a Chucky film rent BRIDE OF CHUCKY. That one has it all.
SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE III: A bunch of fun lovin' gals are playing volleyball on the beach. They are planning a slumber party at the home of the girl who is going to be moving soon.
At the slumber party they eat ice cream and cookie dough, split a six-pack and play Truth or Dare.The kind of Truth Or Dare men fantasize that women play when they're alone:
Bimbo 1: I dare you to do a strip tease.
Bimbo 2: Okay!
Bimbo 3: Me too! I wanna dance too! Ow!
Of course, the boys show up and, door being unlocked, walk right in on the festivities. The guys also have a six-pack of beer. But dividing the number of people at this party by the number of beers we can tell no one is even going to get moderatly buzzed. No pun intended. (Chainsaw. Buzz. Ha,ha.) For some reason or another they throw the guys out. Then whenever there's a strange noise or something they go "It's just the guys foolin' around again!"
 More people show up adding to our list of suspects.Then two people go upstairs to make love and only one comes down. Moments later someone goes upstairs and discovers the dead body.
RED FLAG: Now wouldn't you assume that if two people went upstairs and only one came down that the person who came down is the killer?  Never even crosses their minds! They all just nervously cling together back and forth, not splitting up and not wanting to leave the house. And that's a shame because there are so many obvious exits for them to use....including the oh-so-obvious  front door! Why no one opens the front door and runs out is a mystery.There is even a sequence where a group of people are headed toward the door and they stop...and don't use it. (You will be screaming at the screen "Just turn the knob!")
They call the local precinct and the policeman says "it's just a bunch of kids pulling a prank" and he won't even send someone to drive by to look.
BRIGHT IDEA: Wouldn't you call and pretend to be a neighbor? I mean, geez, if they could at least get the police on the block!
 This movie has a lot of unanswered questions in it. One of them occurs when a girl goes into the bathroom at her friends house, opens a drawer, finds a vibrator, plugs it in and then doesn't use it. Would you plug a vibrator in if you weren't going to use it? For that matter, would you even touch your friend's vibrator?  Maybe she was just warming it up for her friend. I don't know. This scene is neccesary so that she can get in the bathtub and someone can throw the plugged in vibrator in with her and electrocute her.(What? I'm not making this up!)
This film was obviously made as a T&A lingerie-fest. There's a whole gaggle of girls running around in their underwear screaming. There's one girl who is a FREDERICK'S OF HOLLYWOOD-type with weird nipples and a cool wig who is just about the worst actress we've ever seen. And that's saying a lot!
 They give the killer in this a flimsy motive that I just can't believe either. Yes, he might have a screw loose...but why take it out on this particular group of kids? He even seems to have some remorse over killing one of the people he kills which will have you asking "Then why did he do it?"
SORORITY HOUSE MASSACRE 2: This one has a bunch of teen girls buying a strange old house to fix up for their new sorority house. This movie has more a** than a donkey farm. The girls walk around in a house with no heat or electricty in lingerie so trashy FREDERICK'S OF HOLLYWOOD would refuse to sell it. (One girl's thong was so flimsy we kept squinting and asking ourselves "Is she even WEARING underwear?")
As if them tip-toeing around the house in their delicates isn't seedy enough, they all run outside into a rain storm, scream and run back inside. Now they're half-naked AND wet!
They also have a strange Peeping Tom neighbor who likes to eat raw meat out of a bowl. Whenever he walks slowly up the path to help them out they scream thinking that he must be the killer. You'd think at least one of them would have put a bathrobe on after the first time they caught a glimpse of him. They don't.
This movie really blows. Its a lingerie shoot looking for a movie. There's even a Red Herring scene that takes place at a strip club the size of a studio apartment. One of the dancers is porn casualty Savannah before her breast job and suicide.
FRIDAY THE 13TH : Okay, for a lot of you I'm sure FRIDAY THE 13TH was the first Horror movie you ever snuck into a theatre to see and, therefore, you thought it was "good" and "scary" and so on. I didn't actually see FRIDAY THE 13TH until I was an adult.  I must say it does not hold up as the great classic it has somehow blown itself up into.
In fact, in the first one a lot of the debauchery takes place off screen: You'll see a hand raised with a machete, a girl screams and: "Cut!" Of course, FRIDAY THE 13TH will forever be a hallmark to the "any teen who has sex will die" law so relied on in Horror movies today. But does this mean it deserves it's accolades?
A bunch of teen camp counselors are readying up Camp Crystal Lake, an old abandoned camp site where a child named Jason drowned many years ago. Suddenly people are getting killed left and right.
Most of the action happens at the end of the movie and the very last scene IS a keeper: The scariest scene in the movie. But does a good ending shot a good movie make? And does that one good sixty seconds of footage deserve to spawn this many sequels?
While at least you can argue that  FRIDAY THE 13TH was made on the cheap there is absolutley no excuse for BRAM STOKER'S DRACULA and INTERVIEW WITH A VAMPIRE to be as bad as they are. They had skys-the-limits budgets, big name stars and the lushest treatment possible.
So why are they so awful? Because bigger is not always better.
In BRAM STOKER'S DRACULA there is a lot of hammy over-the-top acting going on. There is also the distracting mis-casting  of "Hey Dude" Keanu Reeves in a serious Gothic role. 
The whole thing is so overblown that it makes your head hurt and you just can't force yourself to swallow any of it.
INTERVIEW WITH A VAMPIRE: Many years ago Anne Rice wrote a great book that was shocking for its time: Homo-erotic vampires in New Orleans! What's not to like?
The book re-surfaced and begat a truly terrible movie that starred Tom Cruise (over-acts) and Brad Pitt (under-acts). Antonio Banderas is also involved (God help us that he acts at all).
This movie suffers from the same huge budget, lush setting, hot stars treatment as BS's DRACULA. In fact, in it's "hipness" they even threw in Christian Slater in a modern day setting as the Interviewer and a GUNS N ROSES cover of THE ROLLING STONES song "Sympathy For The Devil", elements that just aren't at home in what should have been a great old fashioned Gothic movie.
When I left the theatre I found myself wondering what could be worse than this bastardization of Anne Rice's book. The answer?
QUEEN OF THE DAMNED: While INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE is embaressingly bad it's almost enjoyable on a bad level. QUEEN OF THE DAMNED is just bad all around.
Now-deceased singer AALIYAH is the not-very-scary Queen Of The Damned. She gets top billing even though her minutes in this probably add up to about five. Stuart Townsend is onhand to prove that maybe Tom Cruise wasn't the worst possible Lestat.
Nothing scary happens, nothing sexy happens and nothing cool happens.
 If vampire movies based on famous novels are this bad maybe it's time to truly embrace the Godsend that is THE LOST BOYS.
VAMPIRELLA: I once read in one of those "Mistakes In Movies" books that this movie had the absolute worst mis-casting out of all the movies in the world. (Even worse than Keanu Reeves in DRACULA? The Hell, you say!) They got flat-chested, skinny girl Talisa Soto to play the buxom a**-kicker Vampirella.
But that's not even the worst thing about VAMPIRELLA.  She wears the absolute.......worst....... super-hero costume........ EVER!  Female bartenders in strip clubs would be too embaressed to wear this outfit! 
 VAMPIRELLA also has THE WHO's Roger Daltrey over-acting horribly as the villain.
The whole thing is terrible and sort of plays off like they had FLASH GORDON's production team but none of the wit and humor and silliness that made FLASH GORDON fun to watch. 
How do movies like this ever get made?
BARNEY'S MAGICAL ADVENTURE: Barney is that big purple fool dinosaur that hosted that annoying kids show.
In this film he's on a farm with a bunch of kids and they find a magic egg. DO NOT WATCH THIS. Even if you have kids. Talk about hours from your life that you'll want back when you're on your deathbed.
Bridgette Fonda throws her boyfriend out of her faboo Manhatten apartment because he was cheating on her with his wife. The cad! Now she has to find a roommate.
She ends up with Jennifer Jason Leigh who doesn't just wanna move in, she wants to usurp Bridgette's style, man, life, etc.
So soon she's borrowing clothes from Bridgette's magical closet. I call it a "magical closet" because all the clothes in it somehow fit both slim Bridgette Fonda and chubby Jennifer Jason Leigh. Go figure. Then she gets the same bad mushroom-shaped  hair-do. Then she tosses a puppy out a window. Then she sneaks into bed with roomie's boyfriend to give him oral favors. When he awakens to the fact that it's not his girlfriend playing the skin flute she has to kill  him...with the heel of her stiletto shoe.
This is where they lost me, Folks.
From there it just gets even more far-fetched and ridiculous.
Nothing seems to stop Jennifer Jason "Psychotic Killing Machine" Lee except a rat that falls on her in the basement.
Ridiculous Roomate From Hell Story. Maybe some day this will be a Cult Classic. For now rent THE HAND THAT ROCKS THE CRADLE instead.
JOSIE AND THE PUSSYCATS: This movie is based on the comics and cartoons from the '70s. They turned it into an annoying, modern day, Teen Comedy featuring kiss of death Tara Reid.
JOSIE AND THE PUSSYCATS are an all girl Rock band who are signed unheard by the bad guys who want to put subliminal message tracks in their music. This will get stupid teenagers who don't know any better to buy certain products.
Josie and the gals are gonna stop this madness because, gosh golly gee, it's wrong to try to get people to buy stuff they really don't want or need.
Sadly, the movie is guilty of the same sin it is pooh-pooh-ing. The product placement in this movie is shameless. 
NOT ANOTHER TEEN MOVIE: Ugh. Just painful to watch.
It is so unfunny and the scene with the hot teenage girl kissing the old lady is just plain nasty.
 I beg of you: Rent THE BREAKFAST CLUB or even the atrocious SHE'S ALL THAT instead.
TROLL 2 : Yikes. Where do I begin? Yes, Folks, even I am at a loss for words when it comes to reviewing the Opus of Bad Video that is TROLL 2.
A sequel, more or less,  to TROLL: TROLL 2 is one of those straight -to -video flicks that looks like it was made with a budget of ten dollars and fifty two cents.
This is all too abundantly clear in the very first seconds of the film when we see the cheesy troll costumes. They look like 50 % off  Halloween masks paired with potato sacks. One troll is so pathetic looking we're surprised they let him do the movie at all. (You can just imagine the other trolls saying "Geez, Bill, is that the best costume you could come up with?")
The family here  is your average Horror movie family: Annoying folks, annoying little boy, annoying bimbo sister, annoying dog.
The son has the quirky habit of communicating with his dead Grandpa Seth.
They go on a family trip to a time-share house in the small a**-backwards  town of Nilbog.
The ghost of Grandpa Seth is already there waiting for them. But Grandpa's ghost isn't the villain here. He's actually a good guy who warns the young boy of the real evil: The trolls. Or is it goblins? Whatever.
 When the family gets to the house they're ravenous. They didn't bring food or stop at a market so they're gonna eat whatevers in the house. And the good news is there is indeed food in the house. The bad news is it's covered in neon green ooze that only the son seems to notice. He must stop them from eating this possesed food . But how?
He leaps on the dining room table, opens his fly and whizzes all over the food!  His father is furious and drags the kid upstairs threatening corporal punishment and telling him that now because of what he did the family's gonna starve. Dad, a bit of a Drama Queen, even tightens his belt a notch to ward off future hunger pangs!
The next day the family's still hopping mad that they're starving. And yet no one is getting in the car and looking for a 7-11 or a STOP & SHOP. It wouldn't have helped them anyway. The only food the town seems to be selling is some sort of radio-active milk that makes people zombies at best.
Anyway, remember the bimbo daughter? Well, her boyfriend and a few of his buddys are camping nearby. They run into the trolls and the stange milk before anyone else does.(People have reported getting a "homo vibe" off this group of teenage boys but they must not have been gay enough for me cuz I honestly didn't notice.)
There's a sex scene involving an ear of corn that is memorable and there's also a line of the movie that seems to be etched into most viewers brains (SPOILER:) "Nilbog is Goblin spelled backwards!"  
This movie sounds like a lot of fun but, trust me, it's a real groaner.
DREAMCATCHER: I hate to give a Stephen King movie a bad review...but DREAMCATCHER....Wow.....I just...Wow.
Watching it was a terrible experience. Especially any scene involving a toilet.
I can't even give this movie a proper review because not only was it was confusing!
There's this group of guys who have been friends since childhood. When they were kids they helped this mentally retarded kid named Duddit from getting beat up and all sorts of harassed. Because of this they have a psychic connection to eachother. I think.
Well, they all go camping at this cabin in the woods. All of them but Duddit.  This guy shows up...not Duddit, someone else.... and he needs help so they let him in the cabin. He goes in the bathroom and...well....terrible, nasty, disgusting things start coming out of his a**. (I warned ya' about the toilet scenes).
What this is, I think,  is some sort of an alien. But not a cute little E.T.- type alien. A disgusting kind that comes outta' your rear and wreaks unholy havock.
Somehow one of the guys gets his body taken over, more or less, by an alien life form. This one is not like the other ones though. He talks with a distinguished British accent! He's more of an intelligent alien. He must be, you see, cuz not only can he speak with a British accent but he's speaking in English! So we the audience can understand every thing he's saying. That doesn't help us understand  the plot though.
Somewhere down the line Morgan Freeman comes in a helicopter to try to save the day and you think "Yay! It must be over soon!" but, no, they still have to find their way back to Duddit who, I kid you not, ends up being one of THE NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK!
To this day I don't know what Duddit did to stop the madness and frankly, my dear Scarlett, I don't give a damn.
CHILDREN SHOULDN'T PLAY WITH DEAD THINGS: I admit it: They reeled me right in with that title!
But the title is the most clever thing in this you've-seen-it-all-before (and done better) zombie flick.
There's an acting teacher Alan who is wearing psychadelic bellbottoms that wouldn't look good on anybody but Lenny Kravitz. He takes his motley crew of hippie actors and actresses to a secluded island burial ground for a little acting experiment. He is going to have them read incantations to raise the dead and then (tee hee hee) have a few friends of his that are dressed like zombies pop out and scare the bejesus out of everybody.
On the way to the island there's a lot of talking , mostly from Alan. Alan's big on prose that no one alive or dead uses anymore. And he never shuts up!
 In the burial ground there's a lot of talking. And for the first 80% of the movie there's a lot of talking. A lot of talking and no action.
They get there, read the incantations and nothing happens. Alan decides to drag a dead body he dug up around with him for laughs. It's a male dead body named Orville and Alan decides he wants to have a mock wedding with it. So he "marries" it and then sits it on the couch in WEEKEND AT BERNIE'S poses to try to amuse his friends. His friends have all pretty much decided they want out at this point.
Now, remember that incantation Alan read that failed to raise the dead? Well, I guess these things take time because the dead have a delayed reaction and start beating down the cabin Alan and friends are in.  At this point this chick Anya, who always sort of looks like she's triiping on acid, has gone so deleriously insane we thought she was gonna side with the zombies and let 'em in!
This movie sounds better than it is. Like previously stated, there's a lot of yak, yak ,yak-ing, most of it from Alan, and very little in the way of blood and gore. And the zombies don't even appear until the very end of the movie.
Have you and your friends ever wanted to take a camcorder and make your own cheapie Horror flick? If you did you would probably warrant better results than CHILDREN SHOULDN'T PLAY WITH DEAD THINGS.
THE DEVIL'S RAIN: I saw this one on AMC. AMC, by the way, stands for AMERICAN MOVIE CLASSICS. And yet they sometimes play drivel like THE DEVILS RAIN which can in no way be described as a "Classic"
The details are sketchy cuz I only saw it once and turned it off before it was over:
 It takes place in Mexico which will throw you for a loop because it starts out looking more like a Western than a Horror movie.
Say, whose that cowboy over thar? It's William Shatner ! So now  you're expecting to see a hammy performance. And you get one. Only not from Shatner. Ernest Borgnine rips the roof off this sucker. He wins the Hammyest Ham To Ever Over-Act Award as far as I'm concerned.( No easy task when your competition is The Shatner!)
He's a Satanic priest who screams about how "Evil will win over good, Bwahahahahaha!"
Borgnine tears through every scene he's in with gusto. Sometimes he's seen in demonic form and he looks sort of like he's dressed up as a goat. Other times he's just Ernest Borgnine in a red cloak.
 He has a group of evil goons who walk around in black cloaks. One of 'em is John Travolta (Look fast!)
When good triumphs over evil the baddies melt into a disgusting puddle of goo.
This movie gave me a headache which is why I turned it off. I hit the clicker and said "Alright already, Mr. Borgnine! Shut the f*ck up!" 
XANADU: The Best Bad Movie Ever Made.
XANADU is the Apex of Bad Films because as bad as it is it's like a train wreck. You just can't look away.
It has a terrible script, a stupid plot, bad acting, strange casting, awful fashion sense and even the dancing and skating isn't all that great.( It does, however, have a few good ELO songs on the soundtack). Well anyway,....after GREASE was a huge hit and every little girls favorite movie Olivia Newton John made a follow-up musical: XANADU. And we little girls squealed with delight and booked to the cinema. How upset we were to realize this was a cheesy craptastic journey of little sense and very few joyous moments. 
Our story begins by introducing us to the main charactor Sonny. He's played by inexplicable choice for leading man Michael THE WARRIORS Beck, who can't sing or dance but is somehow  the male lead in a modern day Musical. O-kayyyy. Sonny is an '80s album cover artist .He isn't feeling very inspired lately and because of this his b*stard of a boss is ripping his head off.
One day he rips up one of his lesser works of art in disgust and the pieces land near a mural of The Muses Of Mount Olympus and they spring to life with feathered hair, off-the-shoulder peasant blouses, prairie skirts, leg warmers and rollerskates. They are supposed to be from Greek Mythology but they are all of different ethnic descent: One is Oriental, one is Sandahl CONAN Bergman and one is Olivia Newton John. After these beauties whiz around on four wheel old school skates to an ELO song surrounded by beautiful neon glow they shoot off to inspire the people who need inspiration. The muse played by Olivia Newton John is named Kira and she's off to inspire Sonny. It starts when she shows up in an album cover he's painted. Sonny's ball-buster boss see's it and says that the only thing he likes in the picture is the girl, so Sonny's off to find the girl.
She's in an abandoned building skating. He meets her and since she's hot and inspiring he is instantly smitten with her.
She leads Sonny out of the dead-end record art biz by giving him the bright idea to bring back the dead art of Roller Disco.But wait.... not Roller Disco like you and me remember it: A Roller Disco that plays music that is a cross between '40s Big Band and '80s Mall Metal.(Did I say this was a "bright idea"?!)
They need a little guidance with the '40s Big Band stuff so they dust off Gene Kelly (who looks embaressed to be there) and he and Olivia have a "He's still got it!" dance number.She was his muse in the '40s....Ah! I get it!
Now Gene's all ready to boogie with the young'uns at the Roller Disco only he needs some happenin' threads so they rush to the mall for Gene's '80s New Wave make-over musical sequence where mannequins come to life and dance while he trys on idiotic outfits. Somewhere there is a falling-in-love sequence with Sonny and Kira where they skate against ever changing backdrops together to "Suddenly" (Hey, that's not Michael Beck singing. It's Cliff Richards! Where is he? I don't see him!) Then they morph into Don Bluth cartoon charactors.
At the end the Roller Disco opens (What shall we call it? "Xanadu" Kira purrs) and it's a huge success. People are synchronized skating and yelling "Ho!" and all is well with the world.
But that Kira has made Sonny's dreams come true she has to leave because she's a mythical spirit who has to go on and help other people discover their calling.
Sonny doesn't dig this so he puts on his skates and skates into the mural where he asks Zeus to please let Kira stay on Earth with him. At Xanadu the next night everyone is whoopin' it up except for a glum looking Sonny. Then he sees a Xanadu waitress who is really......Ah! You guessed!
XANADU has a huge Cult following: Mostly girls who saw it when they were eight years old and didn't realize it was sh*t.  I've also read somewhere that it's developed a Cult following with gay men. Who knew?
 Most people will run screaming from XANADU in the first fifteen minutes. Be Warned: If you don't turn it off in the first fifteen minutes you WILL inexplicably get sucked in and find yourself not being able to turn it off. I swear they used subliminal messages or something.
LITTLE NICKY: I usually like Adam Sandler movies but LITTLE NICKY absolutley sucks.
Nicky is the son of The Devil and an angel and he's sent to Earth to stop his brothers from doing evil. Or something like that. I forget.
This is one of those movies I wanted to turn off fifteen minutes into it. Adam Sandler and Patricia Arquette, both usually quite appealing, are people you just wanna hate in this thing.
 There is one funny line in the whole movie about POPEYES chicken kicking a** and there's a cameo by OZZY OSBOURNE, but even that couldn't redeem this suck-fest.
No stars.
THE SURGE (aka THE SOURCE): I only caught the second half of this movie but that was enough to know it was one of the sh*ttyest movies I've ever had the misfortune to sit through.
Four teen misfits find a glowing rock-type thingy in the woods that gives them special powers, brought to you by not-so-special effects. The special effects in this are right outta' THE MIGHTY MORPHIN' POWER RANGERS. Lights flash, super-imposed lightning flashes, eyes glow and people talk in deep echoing voices. To add to the terror people move their wrists really slowly when they are putting "The Whammy" on someone.
 Aside from that: A camera that never stops shaking, stock footage of maggots, terrible dubbing (There are scenes where mouths are moving and absolutley nothing is coming out!) and a pieced-together soundtrack of wanna-be MARILYN MANSON songs. Even the "hot chick" isn't that hot! This movie is a must miss.
THE DAY AFTER HALLOWEEN (aka SNAPSHOT): When I was a little kid  I saw this movie on WHT with the title THE DAY AFTER HALLOWEEN. The tagline said something along the lines of :"The things that happen to Angela will make your blood run cold." Oooooh...sounds like a Horror movie, right?
This is an Australian movie about a young girl named Angela who works as a hairdresser and dates a guy who drives a Mr Whippy ice cream truck. ("Yippee! It's Mr Whippy!")
Angela's a bit bored with her hum-drum life so when a friend suggests that she try modeling Angela does just that: Poses topless for one ad.....and BOOM!  Is discovered and an over-night sensation "It Girl" (Only in the movies).
Of course, fame comes with a price and soon Angela gets a stalker. We don't know who it is.....but there is a menacing looking ice cream truck lurking in the background of some scenes. it Mr Whippy....or do they just want us to think it's Mr Whippy?
At the end of the movie we find out the stalker's motive: Does he wanna rape Angela? Kill Angela? No. He just begs to see her take her top off. Gee, Buddy, why don't you just clip her topless ad out of a magazine like everybody else?
This flick actually has a tune called "Angela"  that plays as a homage to the ever so deep multi-layered charactor in the movie. You know: The bored hairdresser who poses topless. (And yet no one ever writes a song about, say, Gandhi)
Karl and I rented this by accident many years later. Once again  I got sucked right in by that deceitful HALLOWEEN title.
Karl laughed his a** off  twice: The first time he laughed because the movie was so cheesy. The second time he laughed at me for being the stupid fool who had to sit through this crappy movie twice!.
It's now known as SNAPSHOT, a more telling title  but still a lousy movie.
BLACK SHAMPOO: There are two very good reasons to watch '70s Blaxpoitation flicks:
1. They are usually very funny (Sometimes unintentionally)
2. They usually have dirty pool kick-a** fight scenes
So imagine my dismay while watching BLACK SHAMPOO, the worst Blaxpoitation flick I've ever seen....and that's saying a lot.
The movie starts off with a woman getting her hair shampooed at a salon. She is all a'quiver with orgasmic delight. That is because the dude washing her hair is none other than Mr Johnathon.
Mr Johnathon is a huge black guy who washes the ladies hair and then fulfills their other needs. (Chicka chicka boom boom) This would be a lot easier to accept if Mr Johnathon was played by a hot looking black guy (Billy Dee Williams, for example). I don't know the name of the actor here but he looks like a black version of Lou THE INCREDIBLE HULK Ferrigno. And I don't know many women who wanna cuddle up with Lou Ferrigno!
It seems Mr Johnathon is the lone straight sex machine in this salon fulla' queers. When women customers come in and Mr Johnathon is busy (And I mean "bizz-ay") with someone else they b*tch and whine and then either take a raincheck or make an appointment for Mr Johnathon to come to their home. Yes, he makes house calls!
The first twenty minutes or so of BLACK SHAMPOO played like bad '70s soft-core porn with Mr Johnathon servicing a bunch of white women who dead-pan "Oh, Johnathon". I was looking at my watch and wondering when the a**-kicking  was gonna start. Put on your pants and get into a fight, Mr Johnathon!
Mr Johnathon meets the new receptionist at the salon: A troubled black girl whose hair he wants to re-style.  He must dig her in a "I respect ya', Baby" sort of way cuz he doesn't lay her down right away. He takes her to a diner first!
The no-good-nik's she's affiliated with come around and tear up the salon. It's the most boring senseless destruction scene you've ever seen. It takes them about fifteen minutes to mince around tipping over shampoo carts. Later they come back and rough up one of the gay hairdressers. They ask him about the where-abouts of Mr Johnathon. He refuses to talk. They pull down his pants and attack him with a hot curling iron. Finally! Some violence! Now we're cooking with gas!
But it's all for naught. Even when Mr Johnathon gets good and steamed and it looks like he's going to beat up three guys at once he just kicks one and walks away. What a gyp!
I wish Mr Johnathon hadn't wasted so much time teaching the ladies to love and spent more time whooping  a**.
If you have a problem don't call Mr Johnathon. Call Pam Grier.
MARCI X: Wow. So stupefyingly bad that I'm at a loss for words. This movie is equal opportunity insulting. It insults the blacks and it also insults the whites. The blacks are all thugs and the whites are all uptights who don't know how to have fun. Too-old-for -the-role FRIENDS alum Lisa Kudrow plays a Paris Hilton type JAP debutante who has to take over taking care of her father's record industry when he has a heart attack after listening to the latest single from raunchy rapper Dr S. Dr S is played by Damon Wayans. (Why, Damon, Why?) When Marci meets Dr S he busts on Marci for not "being real" (whatever that means) and Marci proving she is "real" busts into a rap about expensive purses. The women in the audience go a good way. So now Marci and Dr S are friends and soon more than friends. Kudrow's too old for the part, Wayans isn't entirely convincing as the thug and the thought of these two ever hooking up is unfathomable. Worse than that, there is not one laugh to be found in this movie.
THE GRUDGE: If I've yelled it at one movie screen I've yelled it at a thousand: "Just get out of the freakin' house!"
Sarah Michelle Gellar is a student nurse who is staying in Japan with her boyfriend. One day she's called to replace a missing nurse who just seems to have fallen off the face of the Earth. That nurse's name is Yoko. Oh no! Sarah Michelle gets to the place and finds her charge is an old American woman who is in a trance somewhere between being asleep and being very, very, very bored. Sort of like the audience was while watching this crap-fes! Then Sarah hears strange noises and goes to investigate. You heard me. Doesn't go to run out of the house. Goes to investigate. It seems that everyone who goes to investigate this house disappears never to be heard from again. And yet more stupid people just keep on filing in there to get theres. The house is haunted because a few murders took place there a while back and now the house and it's spirits are pissed off at anyone who enters. Just a pizza guy? Doesn't matter. Once your foot crosses the treshold terrible things will happen to you. What sort of terrible things? Well, there's the ghost of a little naked Asian child. He meows like a cat. Scary, huh? Not really. Almost as scary as that Asian lady with really, really long hair who makes noises like she's trying to burp the alphabet.
Remember when Horror movies were scary? I do. I remember when Jack Nicholson could break down a wall, scream "Here's Johnny" and make a stream of pee run down my leg. Watching a bunch of folk walk around the quitest house in Horror history (with the longest hallways and staircases!) is not scary.
My six year old daughter's review of this movie: "It's crappy, crappy crappy!"
MAFU CAGE: This movie is known by many titles ( MY SISTER, MY LOVE and THE CAGE to name a few). I call it THE SOUND OF SIMKA SCREAMING.
I'm prone to having headaches. So putting on MAFU CAGE? Baaaaaaaaaad idea. I have never heard as much hysterical shrieking as I did in this movie.(And I've been to a MENUDO concert!) It stars Carol TAXI Kane as the whacked out younger sister and Lee Grant as the older normal sister who has to take care of her. Their father, when he was alive, was an explorer in Africa who studied monkeys. This explains why their home is done up in all African culture stylings, there is loud (and I mean LOUD) tribal music booming through the house and the nutty sister walks around in full Afro-centric regalia. She also has a pet monkey named Mafu who lives in a huge cage in the house.
The whole set-up of the house and the land surrounding it is so bizarre and surreal that it gnaws at your ability to believe the movie for even a second. Why would the sane sister ever agree to live like this? And what do the neighbors think? I know if my neighbor was Carol Kane and I looked out my window one day and saw her beating a drum bare naked in her back yard I would call the cops. (Really: Ask Matthew McConaughey about this!)
Well, anyway, one day the pet monkey does something to piss the younger sister off and she kills him. Then when the older sister comes home and notices that he's "being very quiet" the younger one trys to say he's sleeping. The older one finds the body and freaks out. The younger one says "Don't worry. I won't do this with my next monkey"(!) The older sister says "You can't have another monkey". The younger sister threatens to kill herself. And in the next scene a friend of the family is bringing yet another monkey over to live with these gals! Is it really this easy to get pet monkeys? And I'm not talking small monkeys either. I'm talking man-size apes!
When the friend of the family comes over (He's a Banana Republic safari dude who likes to drink wine and dance around like Shaka Zulu) the older sister confides in him that she's sick of watching the younger nuttier sister and longs to lead a normal life and date a co-worker but doesn't have the heart to send little sis to an asylum.
Fast foward and little sister ( in a scene that's really hard to watch) is beating the new monkey to death with a chain. And screaming. Screaming, screaming, screaming. This chick is always screaming. Except when she's spooning in bed with her sister. (What's THAT all about anyway?)
 At this point I had to turn the movie off because my head was killing me from hearing this woman scream. And nine out of ten times she's screaming for her "Mafu". By the thirtyth time this chick says the word "Mafu" you will wanna take a brick to her head.
I watched the rest of the movie the next day and it was as lousy as I could have predicted. And that broad was back to screaming at man and beast. After watching MAFU CAGE I felt like screaming too.
THE ADVENTURES OF SHARKBOY AND LAVAGIRL IN 3D: Ugh. This movie is based on dreams that the director's son had.
My daughter has dreams that our dog can talk and fly. You don't see me making movies about it though.
The main charactor Max is a nerdy, picked on kid who lives with his bickering parents in a house across the street from his school. The other kids make fun of Max because he carrys a "dream journal" around with him and tells tall tales about his dream creations Sharkboy and Lavagirl. As their names would suggest Sharkboy has the features of a shark and can swim and attack and Lavagirl is made of molten lava and can burn things. They come to bring Max to the Planet Drool to stop the bad guys, who are alter ego versions of the teacher and the mean kid in class, and save the day. Got that? On Planet Drool Max learns that it's okay to be obssesed with your dreams as long as you dream a better dream. Ummm. Okay. "Special" 3D effects, that will give most people a true throbber of a headache,  include more than one shot of someone spitting into the "audience".( It gets to a point where every time you see someone take a bite of something you'll duck!) Totally corny and dopey kid vid that anyone over the age of seven should avoid like the plague.
ALIEN FROM L.A.: Baby-voiced super model Kathy Ireland discovers the lost city of Atlantis!  You might think they cast Kathy Ireland because she's "hot". Not so: They dowdy her up with a big pair of glasses, over sized frumpy clothes and no make up. To further drive home the fact her charactor is a "Plain Jane" they have her boyfriend break up with her in the first scene. Awww! She has bigger fish to fry when she goes looking for her lost father and accidentally finds Atlantis. Towards the end of the movie she's in a bikini but by then do we really care?
AMERICAN PSYCHO: Dumb a** yuppy murders for kicks. Or does he? Whatever.
AMITYVILLE HORROR: Totally over-rated, improbable "true story" about a family who buys a house only to find out it's haunted because of murders that took place there a few years ago. Even though the house is haunted nothing truly scary happens. The little girl makes the standard text book "best friend" which nobody else can see that makes a rocking chair rock and closet doors lock and such. Hmmmm. Must be a ghost. And there sure are a lotta flys buzzing around the screen window. That's peculiar. There's never a good ORKIN man around when you need one. The high point of fear comes when Dad puts a roll of money on the bed only for it to disappear a few moments later. "But...I just had it! I could have sworn I just had it!" he bemoans falling to his knees in tears. Truly terrifying. Of course, the movie has one key element that just about every Horror movie since has ripped off : The house warns the people to "GETTT OUTTT!" and the stupid people stay anyway!  Oh, and in case nobody told you yet ,let me enlighten you: The whole Amityville Horror  "true story" was a hoax!
AMITYVILLE HORROR 2: Painful to watch sequel (prequel?) in which teenage boy is haunted by the Amityville house when his family moves in.
AND GOD CREATED WOMAN: Vincent Spano somehow springs would-be Rock singer Rebecca DeMornay out of jail pretending to be her husband. She moves in with him and his kids but has a "You can look but no can touchy" philosophy. DeMornay looks hot but whose bright idea was it to let her sing?
ANGUISH: Terrible, headache-inducing Horror flick. A movie-within-a-movie about a guy who is an eye doctor who is going blind who becomes obssesed with cutting out people's eyeballs. He lives with his crazy mother (POLTERGEIST's creepy, little lady Zelda Rubinstein). She hypnotizes him to murder those who've done him wrong. That is the movie the people in the movie theatre are watching. One gal decides that this flick is just too creepy for words and that someone, maybe even someone here in the movie house(!), is gonna kill us all! She's not too far off. The swirly pattern that's supposed to hypnotize and Zelda murmuring commands over and over is what caused my headache. The box this video comes in warns the viewer to be careful, lest you get hypnotized too!
APT PUPIL: A student realizes that one of his teachers was once a Nazi soldier and becomes intrigued with what makes him tick. He finds an old school S.S. uniform and demands the old man "Put it on!" (Don't you hate the ones who like to play "dress up games"?)  The teacher deals with his escalating grief by throwing a cat in the oven. Whether the cat was Jewish or not is up for debate.
ABANDON: Katie Holmes is a college girl who is distracted by sightings of her dead boyfriend. Is he really alive? Or is she just bonkers? Beware of unconvincing romantic subplot with cop-on-the-case Benjamin Bratt. (Has he ever made a GOOD movie?)  Zooey Deschanel plays Katie's annoying, quirky best friend. (Are Zoey Deschanel and Scarlett Johanson the same person? And, if not, then why do they both equally annoy the Hell out of me?) The kind of long, dull, no-payoff-at-the-end movie that makes me wanna tell you the ending so I can spare you from ever being tempted to sit through it. But I won't. Cuz I'm nice. Or maybe not. Wanna know? SPOILER: The boyfriend really is dead, Katie Holmes killed him and thinks she "sees" him because she has gone nutso. Have a nice day!
AMANDA AND THE ALIEN: Young woman (Nicole Eggert) meets an alien living in a human "host" at a nightclub and decides to bring it home with her. Every so often the alien has to find a new body to live in. During the time it's in the body of a hot looking woman Amanda decides to climb in the shower with it to show it how to bathe. If you've ever wanted to see a T & A version of THE HIDDEN that wants to think it's a "Comedy" then this one's for you.
ANACONDA: I think I KNEW when I rented this how bad it was gonna be. And yet, I rented it anyway: Shame on me!
Just look at the cast for ANACONDA. Save Eric Stoltz, these people are Bad Movie Gold: Jennifer Lopez! ICE CUBE! Kari Wuhrer! Jon Voight! (Oh sure, he was great as Joe Buck but what has he done for me lately?) There's also some guy named Johnathon Hyde who I've never heard of. And Owen Wilson, who has since went on to make some funny movies. I guess we all gotta pay our dues somewhere, Eh, Owen?
ANACONDA follows the age old formula: Some Giant (Fill in the blank) Is Trying To Kill Us. In KING KONG it was a giant ape. In JAWS it was a giant shark. In ORCA it was a giant whale. In PIRANHA it was killer fish. They were small but they were mean motherf*ckers! In ALLIGATOR and ALLIGATOR II it was giant reptiles we had flushed down the toilet when they grew too big to keep as pets. In ANACONDA it is a giant snake that  Jon Voight is pissing off.
A group of fools are on safari shooting a documentary. Along the way they meet Jon Voight, whose ship is sinking. They pull him aboard unaware that he's looking to catch the giant title anaconda. He thinks he's gonna cash in on this giant beast when he gets it back to civilization. What a fool! Has he not seen KING KONG? And also, in what giant fish tank does he plan on keeping this giant, deadly forty foot snake til they get back home?
You might think twice about ever picking up Jon Voight anywhere at any time. Here he's acting very strange. Think about that: "Very strange" for Jon Voight! And they pick him up anyway!
Pretty soon Owen Wilson has been turned into human bait and is eaten by the giant anaconda. It's all downhill from there.
This is one of those movies that supposedly had a big budget. Where did it go? Certainly not towards making the anaconda look "real"! Bad fake snake. Bad, bad!
ARE WE THERE YET? ICE CUBE plays Nick, a guy who falls in love at first sight with a pretty woman he sees crossing the street one day. The bad news is the woman has two obnoxious hellion kids and Nick hates kids. He's really got his work cut out for him with these two brats: They like to torture Mom's potential suitors and scare them off in the hopes that Mom will one day reconcile with their father. When their deadbeat dad doesn't show up to care for the kids when mom is going on a business trip Nick offers to watch them and get them to where the woman is staying on her business trip. It matters not that this woman has only known Nick a day or two, she trusts this stranger to watch after her two kids. The two kids are not gonna make the task easy for Nick. They make him miss a flight, they hop on a train which Nick follows on horse, they trash his car, throw up, pee, fake asthma attacks and so on. While all this is going on the mother calls every once and awhile to b*tch and moan. What a ballsy b*tch! By the time Nick gets the kids to this angry harridan you'll wonder why he still wants to date her anyway. She may not be as hellish as the kids, but she comes pretty damn close! Instead he falls in love with all three of them and learns a valuable "lesson": Children who act like Satan's Spawn should be rewarded and not punished. Ummm....yeahhh. This movie should have a constant disclaimer running across the bottom of the screen that says DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME. A small girl drives a car and pretends to be a kidnap victim to play a "joke" on Nick and the little boy, who IS asthmatic, fakes a fit just to play yet another prank on the long suffering Nick. Anyone who doesn't already have kids who watches ARE WE THERE YET? might have second thoughts about having children. Ever.
AUDITION: This Chinese Horror movie (Presented with English subtitles) is a total waste of celluloid as far as I'm concerned. The first hour of the movie is a total bore. After that the remaining minutes of it are sick and nasty. Violence for the sake of violence. And really nasty, grotesque violence at that. The movie is about a man whose wife dies leaving him a widower alone to raise their young son. A couple of years later when the son is a teenager the man tells his close friend, who happens to be in the movie biz, that he is lonely and looking to re-marry again. This being a country other than America, it would never occur to this man to find a nice woman, date her, fall in love and then propose marriage. He wants to cut out the whole "falling in love" middle stuff and just pick out a woman and wed. His friend gets a "bright idea": Since he's a director he will will hold a "casting call" for an upcoming movie, have tons of attractive startlets come in and "audition" and out of all these girls Lonely Boy can pick the one he wants to be his wife. Of course, we won't let the ladies in on this. They'll think they are really "auditioning" for a movie role. Lonely Boy scans through some of the actresses resumes ahead of time and gets stuck on one girl who writes that she wishes to be an actress but that it most probably won't happen. After all, she goes on, life is unfair and full of woe and despair and every day is just a struggle to go on. He, being brilliant, decides that THIS little ray of sunshine would be the perfect little woman to take care of him and his son. During the "auditions" (Which, as a woman, I must say I found some of them very offensive: Example: A man shouldn't be asking a twenty or thirty-something year old woman if she's ever "been with a man" before. China or not, the answer should be pretty obvious!) Lonely Boy sits there pretty passively until the "troubled grim girl" shows up. Then he springs into action, asking a million questions. He ends up inviting her on a dinner date and finds out she's such a pessimist because she was a great dancer as a child but had an accident that then prevented her from pursuing that dream. For whatever reason, the guy takes a shine to her. They date and eventually mate and then she disappears. He, convinced he's in love with this girl he's known a few minutes, covers all of China looking for her using her resume as a list of "clues" to where she might be. He shows up at all the places listed on her resume and all he finds out is that people who once worked at these places are either missing in action or dead. This doesn't strike him as odd AT ALL! When he does finally track her down is when the movie takes a turn for the nasty. SPOILERS: The gal has a gimp in a sack who is the last guy who done her wrong. It seems that when someone takes advantage of this sweet, young thing she takes revenge in ways such as killing pets, chopping off body parts, throwing up in a bowl and making you eat it, covering you with needles a la acupunture and / or sawing off limbs. I have to be totally honest: I did not watch the whole movie. Around the time someone smiled happily and told the girl how great she was WHILE he was getting decapitated by her  I said "Y'know what? This is utter crap!"
AUNTIE LEE'S MEAT PIES: Bad, baaaaaaad T&A-fest tring to pass itself off as a Horror or a Black Comedy or...Oh, who am I kidding? I don't know what the Hell this is! A group of scantily clad "actresses" (I'm sure they've all been in PLAYBOY or porn at one time or another) lure stupid, unsuspecting men to their family home so that they can chop up the bodies to make their famous meat pies with thier Auntie Lee, played by Karen Black (Why, Karen, why?) The cop investigating the case is Pat "Mr Miyagi" Morita. (Why, Pat, why?) This movie is not scary. It's not funny. It's only "merit" is that it's actresses run around jiggling in and out of costume. (Oh wait, the word "jiggling" would imply that their breasts are real. My bad!)
THE AVENGERS: I wasn't alive yet when THE AVENGERS was a hit TV show. If it was anything like this movie I can say "No big loss!" Wow. What a piece of crap! When a movie has Sean Connery in it and it's this bad it's just an unforgivable  sin! Okay if you really feel the need to watch Uma Thurman walk around in skin tight outfits.
BABY GENIUSES: Kathleen Turner (Why???) runs a lab full of walking, talking, wise cracking babies. Painful to watch. Believe it or not they say the sequel is even worse!
B.A.P.S: Halle Berry and another black chick are two trashy, ghetto fabulous chicks looking to get cast in a music video. Instead they are picked up by a schemer who brings them to the home of a rich, old man teetering on the brink of death to cheer him up. It seems in younger, happier days the old coot had an affair with the black maid. Now they want Halle to pose as niece of said maid. The old man ends up adoring the two girls and teaches them how to be Black American Princesses. Groan. Not unlike DISORDERLIES (Another terrible move!) Halle Berry may have won an Oscar (Not for this! For MONSTER'S BALL) but I STILL can't name one good movie she's been in!
BAD TASTE: The title sums it up perfectly. BAD TASTE is probably the grossest movie I've ever seen. Don't get me wrong: it has it's legions of fans that think it's a masterpiece and sing it's praises. I was too busy throwing up to sing. The plot is about this group of guys who are trying to stop this group of space aliens who are attacking Earthlings to use as the ingrediants in their outerspace fast food. Got that? Because the aliens look just like normal people it's easy for our heros to just mingle in with them and try to pass themselves off as fellow aliens. They are doing a pretty good job too until it comes time to do the big alien ritual where the aliens pass a huge bowl around, all puke in it and then pass it around for our Earthling friends to drink. Now here's the make or break scene: If the guy DOESN'T drink the bowl of puke the aliens will get wise to the fact he's not really an alien. So what does he do? Yup. He chugs it down. His supportive best friend whispers to him when he's done "You just drank chud. How was it?" I, at home, wanted to pick up a bowl and throw up in it too. I also vaguely remember a scene where a guy's head explodes and he has brains leaking out of his head. He remedys the situation by tying a belt around his head. Really tight. (This guy looked a little like THE DOORS Jim Morrison so we called him "Jim Morrison" throughout the movie). BAD TASTE was very cheaply made but every cent they had to spare was used to insure that the viewers got enough blood, guts and grossness to make them wanna blow chunks.
BARBARELLA: Comic book adventures of sexy space cadet Barberella (Jane Fonda) that is pretty much famous for an anti-gravity strip tease Jane does in it in the first few minutes. But aside from that three minutes of naughty footage what the Hell is so good about BARBERELLA? The cheesy, kitschy, comic book  formula that worked in FLASH GORDON fails miserably in BARBERELLA.
BARBARIC BEAST OF BOGGY CREEK II: Was there a part one? And if so, was it this bad too? As interesting as watching that grainy old "bigfoot sighting" footage they used to show in the 'early 80s.
BASEketball: Stupid, stupid movie about a sport made up by those guys who created SOUTH PARK.
BATS: Kiss Of Death Lou Diamond Philips! It's just GOT to be a bad movie if he's in it!  Why is the mad scientist making killer bats? Because he can! Why am I trashing this movie and all the other works of Lou Diamond Philips? Because I can!
BARBARIAN QUEEN: Why was this movie made? Oh. So that barbarian girls could jiggle around topless and get raped repeatedly. Check out the modern California lingo the barbarian chicks use!
BEING JOHN MALKOVICH: There's a tiny door in John Cusak's office that leads to the inside of actor John Malkovich's head. Do I wanna go through it? If it'll get me out of watching this terrible movie, why not!
BEWITCHED: As my sister Robin so eloquently said "This movie sucks a**!"
Instead of having BEWITCHED be about sexy witchy housewife Samantha Stevens and her dopey wet blanket husband Darrin, the BEWITCHED movie opts to be about a witch named Isabelle (Nicole Kidman) who wants to give up her witchery (That's a word, right) and live on Earth and fall in love. Her father (A slumming Michael Caine) shows up on Green Giant vegetable cans in her supermarket to talk her out of this nonsense, telling her that there is no such thing as true love. Isabelle, who is six foot four, wears floodpants and really stupid hats and talks in a baby whisper that's a cross between Marilyn Monroe and early Jan Brady, insists that she can find true love with a nice mortal man.
So who does she choose?
An obnoxious, egotistical jacka** has-been actor named Jack (Will Ferrell). He is about to star in a modern TV version of BEWITCHED as Darrin and is on a quest to find an "unknown " to play Samantha. The problem he has is finding someone who can wiggle their nose the right way.
Do you find the sight of someone wiggling their nose or TRYING to wiggle their nose to be a laugh riot? BEWITCHED does. There are endless clips of people wiggling their noses or TRYING to wiggle it. One terribly unfunny scene shows us a group of actresses auditioning for the "Samantha" role trying, with no luck, to wiggle their noses. There are also clips of Isabelle wiggling her nose successfully ad nauseum. Ugh!
Jack gets Isabelle to agree to play Samantha on BEWITCHED alongside him as Darrin (Even though he clearly looks nothing like either Darrin, York or Sargent!) and an aging diva named Iris (A slumming Shirley MacLaine). Iris may or may not be a witch. It's sort of implyed she is but mostly she's onhand so Michael Caine can fall in love with a woman his own age  and stop acting like my father by sleeping with twenty two year olds named Bambi.
For inexplicable reasons Isabelle falls for the repugnant, unappealing Jack. Even when she is clued in on the fact that he hired her for her lack of talent so that her "Samantha" could be striaght man to his "funny" "Darrin" so that he could  get all the glory she still loves the big oaf.
One day her Aunt Clara comes to visit by plopping down the chimney into the fireplace. Keep in mind, this is Isabelle, NOT Samantha, and yet she STILL has a clumsy,  kooky Aunt Clara who collects doorknobs and makes entrances through way of the chimney.
Aunt Clara puts a hex on Jack so that he'll fall in love with Isabelle. This is followed by a cutesy montage of them having fun together, singing Frank Siantra songs and kicking up their heels in dance.
When Jack is about to proclaim his love to Isabelle she realizes that this is all because of Aunt Clara's hex and not true love so she rewinds evreything we just saw and makes us watch it all again backwords. Cringe! The pain, the pain!
When Jack is back to being a pompous a**hole  he and Isabelle have a fight and she storms off the set yelling "I quit! So you better call my agent!" When she's reminded she doesn't HAVE an agent she quips "Then call my cable man!" These are the jokes, Folks.
After Isabelle storms out Jack begins to feel forlorn and realizes he really does love her. He finds her and tells her he loves her and she tells him that she's a witch. He pitches a fit.
Later he is visited by the worst imitation of Uncle Arthur that I have ever seen (And I love gay guys so I have seen my fair share of Paul Lynde impersonations!) Now remember: This is Jack, NOT Darrin, and still he gets a visit from Uncle Arthur, albeit a  poor man's Uncle Arthur. Explain?
At the end of the movie Jack tells Izzy that it matters not that she's a witch. He loves her and her place is with him. They go on to do the BEWITCHED show together, get married and move into a new house. Their neighbors are Gladys and Abner Kravitz. But they are not Samantha and Darrin Stevens. Oh no. And yet, they have access to The Kravitz's, Aunt Clara and Uncle Arthur.(Only Larry Tate has been spared)
Did this make sense to anyone? The people who wrote the script? The people who green-lighted the project? The people who agreed to star in it? (Nicole Kidman makes HOW much a picture?) Elizabeth Montgomery and Dick York must be rolling in their graves. Dick Sargent too. Agnes Moorehead (Porn name!) too. I say we serve them justice by dragging Will Ferrell and Nicole Kidman into the town square and having them publicly drawn and quatered. Now THAT'S entertainment!
THE BIG BOUNCE: Or THE BIG NOTHING. This movie fails on all levels: As a Comedy, as a Drama, as an Action movie. It's just a real "nothing" of a movie. That's a shame because it's stars are people we have come to expect more from: Owen Wilson, Morgan Freeman, Gary Sinise and Charlie Sheen (In a baaaad fake moustache). The only person we don't go in expecting much from is Sara Foster, who is pretty much a human mannequin that talks (Prove me wrong, Sara, prove me wrong). She was hired to walk around in a bikini and appear here-and-there naked and she does.
The "plot" is about a surfing small-time crook (Owen Wilson) who is in Hawaii. He is hanging out with a judge played by Morgan Freeman (Who I used to think could do no wrong until I saw DREAMCATCHER and THE BIG BOUNCE). Freeman introduces him to wealthy real estate tycoon Gary Sinise who is a married man with a young, skinny mistress played by Sara Foster. Owen Wilson is attracted to the girl and soon as the cats away the two mice start to play. They flirt and skinny dip and such. Then she tells him that she needs his help scamming Gary Sinise out of $200,000. Because he has known her two days and she is apparently the only piece of a** in Hawaii he stupidly agrees.
The whole movie is supposed to be full of "whose conning who?" twists but it's all so muddled, jumbled and dull. There is no real chemistry between the two leads and that's no big suprise because I really didn't find myself liking EITHER of them! (Owen Wilson should just stick with the one person he DOES have chemistry with: Vince Vaughn)
The movie ends not with a bang, but with a fizzle.
The consensus of we poor souls who had to sit through THE BIG BOUNCE is that the people who made it did so just so they would get to hang out in Hawaii for a few months. Why else would they want this dud to be on their resumes?
BIODOME: Probably the worst Pauley Shore movie ever made...and that's saying a lot! Pauley Shore and Stephen Baldwin (Who ain't made a good movie before USUAL SUSPECTS and ain't made one since!) sneak into a bio-dome project and "raise a ruckus".
BIG FAT LIAR: Teen trouble maker Frankie Muniz is a compulsive liar. Nobody will believe him when a producer steals an essay he wrote and uses it for a screenplay. He grabs gal pal Amanda Bynes and they do a cute dress up montage. Can Amanda act? No. But she can do a dress up montage real good!
BLAIR WITCH PROJECT: Presented in a way that mis-respresented it to viewers as a "real documentary" this scripted Horror flick has three twenty-somethings tip-toeing through a forest going "What was that?????" They find scary things like...well, a doll made out of sticks! Scary, huh? Not really.  When a movie's most memorable scene is a bird's eye view up a crying girl's nose you know you're in trouble.
BOOK OF SHADOWS: BLAIR WITCH 2: "Okay, Folks. We know you're on to us. That last movie wasn't REALLY a documentary. It was a scripted Horror flick. This time we're being more honest. This time it's a scripted Horror movie and we admit it. Doesn't mean it's any good.............."
Just as crappy as THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT, if not more so.
BLESS THE CHILD: Kiss Of Death Kim Bassinger gets left her drug-addled sister's little girl to take care of. As the child reaches six and shows signs of having mysterious powers a Satanic dude wants to steal the little girl and use her for his own diabolical reasons. Can Kim Bassinger and cop Jimmy Smits save the day? A better question would be: Why did Jimmy Smits leave NYPD BLUE to make crap like this?
BLUE LAGOON: Little boy, little girl and drunken sailor get ship-wrecked on a deserted paradise isle. Drunken sailor dies and they are left to fend for themselves and sexually discover eachother.(This movie answers the question posted in the old song "What Do You Do With A Drunken Sailor?": You wait 'til  he dies and then start humping!)  Despite the fact they have been on the island for about ten years the boy still sports shoulder-length, managable hair and the girl has no annoying underarm or leg hair and is perfectlly coiffed and has a face full of make-up. Their form-fitting loin cloths are impeccably clean too! They frolic naked, have sex and make a baby. Believe it or not this movie has a sequel where the baby grows up and gets ship-wrecked on the SAME island with a member of the opposite sex! I couldn't make this stuff up!
BLUE VELVET: Evil dwells in the underbelly and bowels of every nice neighborhood. That's what Kyle MacLachlan discovers when he finds a severed ear in a field. He decides to get to the bottom of this. This somehow leads him to the closet of sexy Isabella Rosellini. He hides in the closet and watches the sick and twisted relationship between Rosellini and Dennis Hopper unfold. Hopper's an abusive f*ck who likes to do inhalents and cry and wimper out obscenities. He gets his sexual kicks abusing Isabella and himself. As much as I hated this movie I will give Dennis Hopper heap big credit. I've seen him in enough of these things to believe he's not acting! If I ever see him coming I am running the other way! That mother f*cker's crazy!
THE BOOGEYMAN (1980): A "mirror" witnesses a murder and now the shards of glass are haunting the guy and girl who were little kids when the murder took place. Get it? No. Don't worry. Your not missing much. There's supposedly a sequel to this which I would dare to guess is just as lousy.
BOOGEYMAN (2005): If you ever have to choose between watching BOOGEYMAN (2005) or having bamboo shoots shot under your fingernails, go for the bamboo shoots. This movie sucked oh so bad! It was so  borrrrring! A "boring Horror movie"! Egads! Remember when you were a kid and you thought that there might be a Boogeyman in your closet? Well, there was! At least the guy in this movie had one in HIS closet. The damn thing ate his father! When he's in his early twenties his mother dies and after the funeral he heads back to his childhood home to confront his fears and find out once and for all what the Hell was in his closet! This movie has long, dragged out shots of our hero nervously trying to work up the nerve to walk into any room that has a closet in it. When he eventually does he then has these long, drawn out scenes IN the closet where stuff sometimes does, sometimes doesn't, happen. At one point his snotty b*tch girlfriend insists that he get out of the house that's slowly driving him mad and go to a motel where he can get some rest. Once at the motel, that has a - Yikes! - closet, she decides that she doesn't wanna let him rest at all. She wants to make Red Bulls and vodka, take a bath in the grimy motel bathtub and then get biz-zay. He leaves the motel room to go get ice and when he comes back his girlfriend is gone. He has a long stareing contest with the motel room's closet door and then finally works up the nerve to walk INTO the closet. He walks into the motel room closet and walks OUT ...of the closet back at home! He confronts the Boogeyman in his closet. The dang CGI Boogeyman is NOT scary. And, get this, he kills it by SPOILER smashing a creepy looking doll he had in his room. Hello? Why didn't he think to smash that doll when he was eight years old? Why did he even HAVE a spooky doll that scared him in his room? And for all these years too!BOOGEYMAN was directed by Wes Craven, the man who brought us NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET and SCREAM. Wow, Wes, how the mighty have fallen. (Why, Wes, why?) BOOGEYMAN sucks goat balls. Avoid, avoid, avoid!
BOYS AND GIRLS: Kiss Of Death Freddie Prinze Junior meets cute...again and again...with Claire Forlani.This worked ONCE, Folks. With WHEN HARRY MET SALLY and never again!
BROKEN ARROW: John Travolta over-acts shamelessly as a crazy Air Force pilot who crashes a plane so he can have the nuclear weapons aboard it. He is fought by Christian Slater and terrible, breathless actress Samantha Mathis. Slater is the least annoying one just standing in the middle while Travolta swallows scenery whole and Mathis dully blends into the backgrounds.
THE BROTHERHOOD (aka I'VE BEEN WATCHING YOU): This movie goes under the guise of being a "Horror movie" about "vampires". What it really is is homo-erotic fluff about college boys running around in thier underwear looking like they might start making out with eachother but they never actually do.Shucks!  I like my smut a little dirtier than this! The story is about the hot, athletic, new guy at school. He's being pursued by the "cool guys" to join their exclusive fraternity. They want only the hottest, strongest, best. The reason being that the guy who is the "Head Vampire" will need a new body soon and he wants this guy's body to be it. Got that? The guy's nerdy jerk roommate trys to warn him not to associate with the teen vamps, who apparently can go out in sunlight if they are all wearing their shades.....and clothing from INTERNATIONAL MALE. Does the dorky roommate really know something evil is afoot or is he just being a jealous jacka** because they asked cute guy to join the frat instead of him?  There is a "hot chick" who isn't very hot and IS quite annoying who befriends the new guy and the nerd and invites them to the "coolest party". When they arrive at this party you will laugh your a** off. The party has about ten people at it and looks totally lame. Of course, all the girls at the party are hoping to hook up with the guys in the Vampire Brotherhood and some even get their chance. One girl gets "attacked" by two guys at once. How this goes is the three of them lie on a bed together and writhe around in their underwear. The guys stick the girl with a pin and start to drink her blood. She doesn't seem to mind. During this scene it looks like the guys would have been happier just to throw the girl out of the bed and just have at it with eachother. They never do, damn it! In a scene that lasts way too long (Was it really seven minutes or did it just feel like it?) the girl moans and groans while the two guys suck her....wrist.  Afterwords she's no worse for wear, still alive and thrilled to have been "chosen". So there it is: These guys are vampires who don't actually kill anyone. They come from a long line of Vampire Brotherhoods. How do I know? Because they leave a book with all the evidence just lying around in the open for anyone and their nerdy best friend to find. This is a Horror flick with no horror, no killings, and very little blood. It's also a "dirty movie" with no nudity, no sex and no dirt! Why would anyone wanna watch this when they could watch QUEER AS FOLK and see guys ten times hotter, totally Full Monty naked, doing some serious grunt work?! It saddens me to say that there are actually BROTHERHOOD sequels that I have never seen (Fool me once!): These include THE BROTHERHOOD II: YOUNG WARLOCKS, THE BROTHERHOOD III: YOUNG DEMONS and THE BROTHERHOOD IV: THE COMPLEX. Rumor has it that the original THE BROTHERHOOD is the best of the bunch. God help us.
BUT I'M A CHEERLEADER: Natasha Lyonne's parents are convinced she's gay and are out to "reprogram" her so that she's straight. She was never gay to begin with but now that they've planted the seed in her mind....... maybe she is.
Wants to be hip and outrageous like a John Waters film.
CABIN FEVER: Gross Horror flick in which a bunch of teens go camping and run afoul a flesh-eating virus. Yuck! Movie's low point is watching a girl with gaping, seeping, bloody sores try to shave her legs. Why??????
CANNIBAL WOMEN IN THE AVACADO JUNGLE OF DEATH: Title is the one joke in this dippy movie about a feminist (Shannon Tweed) who is isn't above running around in a skimpy, barely there, avacado skin swimsuit while exploring The Avacado Jungle in search of the missing tribe of Piranha Women. She has in tow a ditzy bimbo student named Bunny and a horny shlub who would f*ck the crack of dawn who is played by Bill Maher (If indeed Bill Maher IS acting here and is not just a horny shlub that would f*ck the crack of dawn in real life! Alls I'm saying is I've heard things.) So they go on safari and find that the women warriors have split into two tribes: Half of them think that men should be eaten with guacamole. The other half prefer to eat their men dipped in clam dip. Any men residing in the jungle are subserviant slaves to the women. Until they discover beer.
CAN'T STOP THE MUSIC: I would have put money on a musical about THE VILLAGE PEOPLE being hysterical, toe-tapping fun. It's just bad. Really, really bad. Valerie Perrine is the "sex symbol" you just wanna slap. Bruce Jenner is her "romantic interest".(Yes, I said "Bruce Jenner"!)  Steve Guttenburg is a song writer. And there's a woman who looks like KISS's Paul Stanley in drag named LuLu who trys to dry hump everyone in sight. THE VILLAGE PEOPLE show up to sing a few of their lesser-known songs and only The Indian seems to be having any fun. Why? Did they pay him more or something? W.A.S.P singer Blackie Lawless is in a scene of this movie. I found that out too late: After I had already seen the movie. Watch it again to see Blackie? No chance in Hell! You would have to tie me down CLOCKWORK ORANGE-style to get me to sit through CAN'T STOP THE MUSIC again!
CAR WASH: Just another fun day at the '70s Car Wash. A barrage of charactors and none of them have a story that's even remotely funny. Surprisingly, for a '70s Disco era movie this flick has a really lame soundtrack.
CARNIVAL OF SOULS (1998): In the '60s there was a cheaply made black and white Horror movie called CARNIVAL OF SOULS that, despite the fact I personally think it's over-rated, got a huge Cult Classic reputation over the years. That movie is a masterpiece compared to this piece of crap, in-name-only "sequel" that was directed, believe it or not, by Wes Craven. (Why, Wes, why?) It has very little to do with the original CARNIVAL OF SOULS and doesn't have any legs of it's own to stand on. It's the story of a woman who, as a child, saw a guy dressed as a clown kill her Mom when the carnival was in town. That guy is supposedly either in jail or dead. But that doesn't keep her from seeing visions of him. Especially when the carnival comes to the small town where her and her sister ('80s vixen Shawnee Smith) work in a bar. This movie jumps around a lot because the heroine has hallucinations and we're never really quite sure what's real and what's just her mind playing tricks on her. I think the raunchy sex scene with a guy she knew all of five minutes was real. Or was it? By the way, between stuff like this, POLTERGEIST, CLOWNHOUSE and VULGAR does anyone truly enjoy clowns anymore???
CAT IN THE HAT: Dr Seuss must be spinning in his grave. Mike Myers is the annoying cat who takes two annoying tykes on a series of mis-adventures. Look for Alec Baldwin further embaressing himself (I say "further embaressing himself" because I've seen him in theTHOMAS THE TANK ENGINE movie) as a neighbor who hates the cat. You'll hate the cat, the kids AND Alec Baldwin!
CECIL B DEMENTED: Bad John Waters movie where a group of avante garde film makers kidnap big movie star Melanie Griffifth. They can keep her.
CHARLIE'S ANGELS: Giggly girls Drew Barrymore, Lucy Liu and Cameron Diaz try on outfit after outfit and, oh yeah, maybe solve a crime too. I hated everything about this movie. Even Bill Murray! By the way. whose bright idea was it to have stick-thin Cameron Diaz dance to "Baby Got Back"?
CHASING LIBERTY: Mandy Moore plays the president's daughter. She is trying to break away on a girls-just- wanna-have-fun adventure. She goes to Europe by herself unaware that the nice guy she meets while traveling is an agent hired to trail her. Will love blossom? Inexplicably, it does. Watch this movie and tell me, aside from looks, what this guy could possibly find appealing about this dull, snotty chick?
THE CHECK IS IN THE MAIL: After a family vacation from Hell Brian Dennehy decides he's gonna stick it to The Man. He's not gonna pay bills anymore. This will mean growing his own food and digging a well in the yard for water. None of this is funny. To make matters worse, Brian Dennehy plays the kind of middle-aged guy who goes sniffing around his wife looking for sex in a wife beater, boxers and black socks. Yuck!
CHEECH AND CHONG THE CORSICAN BROTHERS: I have never really "gotten" the humor of Cheech and Chong. But, not to worry, in THE CORSICAN BROTHERS there's no humor to "get"!
CHILDS PLAY 2 & 3: It's that damn doll again! He's back and cant be stopped, damn it! And the makers of CHILDS PLAY movies can't be stopped either. Damn them! Damn them all to Hell!
A CINDERELLA STORY: Teen sweetheart Hilary Duff is Sam. When Sam's father dies she is forced to live as the put-upon servant of her collagen-obssesed stepmom and two geeky sisters. Sam is a teen outcast because she is a "diner girl", meaning she works at the family diner. In any real school in America she would be in the cool crowd just for looking like Hilary Duff no matter where she worked. If you looked like Hilary Duff and shoveled horse sh*t guys would still line up around the block to ask you out. Sam pines for the hottest guy in school, football player Chad Michael Murray. His b*tchy x-girlfriend is gonna try her darndest to make sure that doesn't happen. But seeing that this is "a Cinderella story" she can't stop the inevitable from happening. Sam shows up at a costume party in a gown with a mask covering her eyes and the doltish fool football player can not tell who she is! They fall in love. But tomorrow when she goes back to being "diner girl" will he still want her? This film lacks all the charms of teen rom-com's of the past like PRETTY IN PINK, 16 CANDLES, and SOME KIND OF WONDERFUL. The charactors that are "bad" are despicable and the ones who are "good" are boring. Naturally, the soundtrack is peppered with Hilary Duff songs including her duet with talentless sibling Haylie, a cover of THE GO-GO's Our Lips Are Sealed.
CLIFFORD: Terrible movie in which Charles Grodin's obnoxious, mischievous nephew comes to visit. Did I mention the little tyke is played by full-grown man Martin Short? Why?????
CLUB DREAD: Totally unfunny movie about a resort where people are getting killed. Not fast enough!
COCKTAIL: The Devil himself, Tom Cruise has the high  and lofty goal of wanting to be:
A. A doctor
B. A lawyer
C. President of the United States Of America
D. A bartender.
Ding, ding, ding! The answer is "bartender"! I thought people became bartender's when they had no other skills to speak of. This is the dude's dream? To pour drinks???
COLD CREEK MANOR: A nice couple buys a house that once belonged to a prisoner. He gets out of jail and shows up on the property. He assures them he's not there to kill them and move back in. He just wants to work for them as a handy man. His reasoning is he knows the place so well, who could be a better handy man then him? Like fools, they hire him! Well, do I even have to tell you he makes trouble for them? And not good Horror movie trouble like the nanny in THE HAND THAT ROCKS THE CRADLE. His brew of "trouble" is dull. He starts bar fights. Ooooooh! I'm shaking.
CON AIR: Ever-annoying Nicholas Cage, sporting a really bad Southern accent, is on a plane full of criminals that gets taken over by some of the "badder" criminals (You know, the ones who were really guilty, unlike Cage) and now he's prone to snap. Especially when someone messes with the stuffed bunny he's brought to give to his daughter. Try to keep a straight face as Cage demands "Put...the!"  It's a much funnier catchphrase than Cuba Gooding Jr's  JERRY MAGUIRE "Show me the money" catchphrase! There should have been "Put The Bunny Back In The Box" bumper stickers on every car in America after CON AIR!
COOL WORLD: Gabriel Bryne is a cartoonist who gets sucked into his comic book world Cool World somehow. His cartoon creation Holly Wood becomes "real" by seducing him. Holly Wood is played by Kim Bassinger who can't act as either cartoon or human.
COUNTRY BEARS: Bad, bad, baaaad Disney fare about a little bear boy who realizes his all human family adopted him when he was a cub. Now he goes to seek out his real kin who, it ends up, were once the popular Country Bears band. Will the group get back together? An even better question would be: Why, oh, why did Christopher Walken agree to be in this crappy movie? Did he lose a bet or something?
CRASH (1996): People are turned on by the strangest things. The creeps in CRASH are turned on by twisted wreckage and severed limbs that are caused by car crashes. Not sexy at all.
CROW: CITY OF ANGELS: I thought the movie THE CROW was hugely over-rated. It's hella better than this quickie sequel that stars one of the most annoying leading men I've ever seen in a flick, some douchebag named Vincent Perez. Murdered man rises from the dead, rounds up Mia Kirshner and goes looking for vengence. I fight the urge to demand my money back.
CRUEL INTENTIONS: Does anyone really believe that there are really teens like this existing somewhere in the world? Decadent, wealthy and oh so fabulously sexy teen stepbrother and stepsister team (Ryan Philippe and Sarah Michelle Gellar) make a bet: If he can seduce the town's ice virgin (Reese Witherspoon) she'll allow him to commit incest with her. And he can put it anywhere he wants to too! Of course, he does nail the good girl and, of course, he falls in love with her and, of course, it stops being a "game" to him and, of course, this causes the stepsister to fume and vow revenge. A tawdry, soft-core porn, teen soap opera version of DANGEROUS LIASONS.
THE CRUSH: Carey Elwes meets his new neighbors and their delightful, nubile, fourteen year old daughter Alicia Silverstone. She takes an instant shine to him. She starts crushing on him. She turns full blown obssesed! She's really disappointed when she meets his girlfriend, a closer to his age, badly dressed Jennifer Rubin. She makes quick business of her using a wasps nest and a shed as her weapons of choice. That's almost preposterous. But not as preposterous as the full-sized, fully functional carousel Daddy has so graciously put in the attic for his little darling! How does the weight of that thing not cause it to go crashing through the ceiling?
CRYSTAL HEART: A teen "boy in the bubble"-type has a crush on music video vixen Tawny Kitaen. Unlike real life, Tawny isn't just pouting, posing and doing gymnastics on cars. She's actually singing! She's a Pop star of sorts. He loves watching her videos and dreams of meeting her. For sure she would fall in love with HIM, a homely, sickly teen living in a sterile box unlike someone like, oh I don't know, a rock star like WHITESNAKE's David Coverdale! They somehow meet through a publicity stunt / Make A Wish sort of dealio and, surprise surprise, she IS actually drawn to him. He decides to break out of his sterile box to spend the day and night with her. If he dies, so what! Better to have lived a day and shagged Tawny Kitaen than to live forever and not! Of course, in the end he dies and of course, right before the credits role a broken-up Tawny in concert dedicates a song to him. Forget "Pass the Kleenex". Pass The Bucket. I think I'm gonna puke.
CUJO: Divorced mom and her tiny son are terrorized by the family dog, a rabid Saint Bernard. They spend a good deal of time stuck in the family car while the dog jumps up growling, snarling and foaming at the mouth at them.When the little boy starts to dehydrate the Mom has gotta figure out a way to run past the dog and into the house. The father shows up in the last thirty seconds. I've always wanted to beat the sh*t out of him!
D.E.B.S: Or CHARLIE'S LESBIANS. This movie is just like the, bad enough, CHARLIE'S ANGELS movies with the added gimmick that there are a few lesbians thrown into the mix. D.E.B.S. are a group of female teen spys in shorty short Catholic school girl outfits who are secret agents. They have been chosen by the way they answered certain questions in their SAT's that showed that they harbored the tendencies of cold blooded assasins. Well, anyway, the D.E.B.S. are on a mission to go after criminal mastermind Lucy Diamond who it turns out is a lesbian. One of the D.E.B.S., who up until now thought herself a hetero, finds herself attracted to Lucy Diamond. Bad enough to find out your gay, but to be attracted to The Bad Guy is even worse. The whole movie is corny and cheesy and full of cliches like the black D.E.B. being the tough one, the French D.E.B being an obnoxious sexpot smoker who never eats anything and the lesbians being the kind of lipstick lesbians that look like, well, Jordana Brewster and not those angry militant lesbians you see rallying in The Village. A movie aimed squarely at 13 year old boys who didn't think AGENT CODY BANKS had enough girl on girl action in it. D.U.M.B.
DADDY DAY CARE: Remember when Eddie Murphy was funny? Oh, come on: Think far back. He was once! Not any more. Now he makes dreck like DADDY DAY CARE. He's a stay-at-home pop who rounds up a bunch of kids and chases them around for a living. My sister tells me CHEAP TRICK was in this movie. I don't even remember seeing them! I guess about a half hour in I just sort of glazed over.
DANCE OF THE DAMNED: A vampire abducts a stripper from a t*tty bar. Not unlike the kid in CRYSTAL HEART and Tawny Kitaen(!), he decides he wants to experience a day on the beach with her. They put out huge lighting to simulate daytime on their midnight romp on the beach. Unfortunatly, they fall asleep and are woken up when morning's tender rays start frying the flesh of the vampire and killing him. Yee-owtch!
DARKNESS: I watched DARKNESS completely sober which is a shame because sometimes when I watch bad movies while under the influence I actually find myself giving them halfway leniant reviews. But when a movie is BAD and I'm SOBER the niceties go right out the window! DARKNESS sucked and I was coherent enough to realize it! For whatever reason this American family that consists of a nutty schitzo father,. a wishy washy wimp of a mother, a teen daughter (Anna Paquin) and a little son move into a big, old, haunted house in Spain. Why Spain? I have no idea. Oh wait: Grandpa lives in Spain. Maybe that's why. Anyway, the house is weird. For starters the electricity kicks off all the time. Then there's the secret room Dad finds hidden behind a wall. And the weird, sinister black and white picture he finds that he insists on hanging even though it's ugly as sin, dang creepy and totally repels the rest of the family. Speaking of pictures, the little boy draws creepy pictures of little kids. Little kids who used to be in the house. And maybe still are. Yup, this kid goes to the Haley Joel Osment school of  "I see dead people".  Well, I don't think I have to tell you that many years ago SOMEONE was doing experiments on these kids in this house. Quite frankly, if you pay attention to the careers of the charactors in the movie you should be able to piece together who was doing what to whom and when. "WHY"  is a whole other story. If this movie thinks it has "twists" I figured 'em all out, and I'm not even overly bright! DARKNESS is one of those movies that will have you screaming "Oh, come onnnn!" at it's ridiculous plot points.
DARKNESS FALLS: I hardly ever turn a movie off before it's over. After all, it's my JOB to watch bad movies so you won't have to! DARKNESS FALLS was so bad though that even though I paid good money to rent it I found myself pulling the cord out of the wall halfway through just to make my misery end. Then I went in my yard and watched the grass grow. Much more satisfyin' than watching DARKNESS FALLS!  The story here is that many years ago there was an old lady who used to give kids money for their lost teeth. She got the nickname The Tooth Fairy. But, alas, one day a  few kids in town got iced and everyone thought The Tooth Fairy did it so they killed her. Now her vengeful spirit comes to the town of Darkness Falls and sneaks into the rooms of little children who have lost their teeth and she kills them. BUT she can only kill them if they wake up and see her. I guess that explains why there are still some people living in Darkness Falls, the sound sleepers who didn't wake up during the Tooth Fairys visit are still alive and kicking. This movie is a real groaner. And it proves that you can go to the Childhood Folklore well one time too many. I mean, after killer Santa, Killer leprecauhns, and killer tooth fairys what's left? Killer Easter Bunny?
DATE WITH AN ANGEL: A guy is supposed to be marrying hoity toity, stuck-up b*tch Phoeboe Cates. His friends abduct him for a wild bachelor party. In the morning he wakes up when he hears a sonic boom in his back yard. It's an angel who has crash landed in his backyard pool. We know she's an angel because she is strikingly beautiful and has wings, albeit one of them is broken at the moment. She can't speak. She just makes annoying, cat-like mewwing sounds. You'll want to beat the angel up after about five minutes of hearing her mew! So the guy hides the angel at his place but not very well cuz everyone from his friends to his fiancee finds out. The friends decide they are going to exploit the angel to make a buck. The guy decides he'd better hide the angel from the masses so he brings her into the woods to where his childhood tree house is still standing. There they fall in love. The angel's wing heals and she must finish her business on Earth. Her business on Earth was to take the dude's soul to Heaven cuz it was his time to die. How sweet!
CANDYMAN 3: CANDYMAN rocked but this was not a movie that needed sequels. That didn't stop them from making 'em! This one stars BAYWATCH bimbo Donna D'Errico as Candyman's latest fatal attraction. Yawn.
DEAD BIRDS: This movie takes place during The Civil War. A bunch of people, led by Henry (E.T.) Thomas, have robbed a bank and plan on holing up in an old abandoned house in the middle of nowhere. Jokes on them though, cuz the place is haunted. Something terrible happend there many years ago. You can tell cuz there are ghostly children who appear every once and awhile. There's some strange sh*t happenin' out in the barn too. None of this is new. If you've seen one "ghostly shrieking melted face" you've seen 'em all. To make matters worse this movie is confusing! What's with the skinless people lyin' around in the field? And where, for Pete's sake are the "Dead Birds"???
DEAD RINGERS: Twin gynecologists, both played by Jeremy Irons, are both obssesd with the same woman. One of them honestly loves her and the other is just obssesed with her "freakish condition". Karl calls this "The Worst Movie He's Ever Seen".
DEATH AND THE MAIDEN: Sigourney Weaver's husband invites a friend to dinner. It ends up the man may or may not be the guy who raped Sigourney a few years ago. She puts him on the spot, the guy squirms and the husband just wishes she'd drop it. Sigourney's performance is terrible but I'm not sure if fault lies with her or the script. The dinner guest is played by Ben Kingsley. Yup, the same Ben Kingsley who played GANDHI!
DEATH WISH 4: THE CRACKDOWN: DEATH WISH was  truly a franchise that ran itself into the ground. Once Charles Bronson ran out of relatives whose deaths he could avenge he needed a new excuse to go after the urban scum. They are dealing drugs to our children! Go kill 'em, Chuck!
DELTA FORCE: A plane is high-jacked and the bad guys are gonna make the situation as uncomfortable as possible for the Jews on board. Try not to laugh as an elderly couple trys to figure out how to hide a ring that has a Jewish symbol on it. Who can stop the mayhem? Chuck Norris!
DENNIS THE MENACE: The child talent here is so poor that I  would love to see the audition tapes of the kid's who DIDN'T make it! Cutsey pooh junk about little Dennis The Menace tormenting Mr Wilson (Walter Matthau) and hanging out with a dangerous street person derelict (Christopher Lloyd). Comic "high point" is when Margaret makes Dennis kiss a doll's butt.
DIRTY DANCING: Oh, f*ck you. It's a terrible movie that somehow got heralded as some great classic. It's the '60s and teen girl named Baby spends family vacation in the Catskills learning to dance from hot, sweaty, built like a brick sh*t house, bad boy Johnny Castle. When Johnny's professional dance partner gets knocked up Johnny decides he can turn a sow's ear into a purse and teaches newbie Baby to dance like a professional in a matter of days. Love blossoms and hot stud Johhny and Plain Jane Baby hook up. Of course they do! Why wouldn't they?! Her father, convinced Johnny knocked up "the other" dancer, fumes. But to Hell with Daddy! Nobody puts Baby in a corner! (What?!) Johnny and Baby trip the light fantastic and everybody wildly applauds.
DISORDERLIES: THE FAT BOYS  are "comic relief" for wealthy, old man about to be murdered by conniving relatives. Absolutley terrible. There IS actually a decent BON JOVI song on the soundtrack though. (Why, Jon, Why?)
DISTURBING BEHAVIOR: Or The Stepford Kids. New kid realizes that the kids at school are starting to act strange. They are being little ladies and gentlemen and are smashing their heads into mirrors when they get horny.
DIVINE MADNESS!: Very unfunny Bette Midler concert video. The singing is pretty bad too.
DIVINE SECRETS OF THE YA YA SISTERHOOD: Terrible movie that was touted as a "chick flick" a la STEEL MAGNOLIAS was not the fun romp it promised but a dreary account of a mother beating her kid's because of her mental problems. Are we having fun yet?
DOCTOR DOLITTLE (1967): I used to watch this as a kid. Try watching it as an adult though. It's God awful! Dreary adaption that's too long and has terrible songs.
DON'T TELL HER IT'S ME:Steve Guttenberg as a guy who has Parkinson's Disease who has a crush on Jamie Gertz. With his sister Shelly Long's help he transforms himself into a hot looking stud (!) and woos her. It would take more than Shelly Long to make Steve Guttenberg into a hot looking stud.
DON'T TELL MOM THE BABYSITTER'S DEAD: The title is the one joke streched into a two hour movie. Mom goes on a trip leaving house full of obnoxious kids in the care of an old lady who promptly kicks the bucket. The kids decide not to tell Mom and take care of themselves. This is helped along by the fact that sixteen year old bimbo Christina Applegate fudges a resume and gets a great, high paying job at a prestigious office. Yes, it's Sci-Fi.
DOWN PERISCOPE: Kelsey Grammar and a group of dumb a**es on a boat.
DOWN TO YOU: Kiss Of Death Freddie Prinze Jr and Julia Stiles are a couple who spend just as much time talking to us, the audience, a la FERRIS BUELLER, as they do to eachother while trying to work out their imperfect relationship. He helps his Dad Henry Winkler out on his TV cooking show and she sleeps with a guy who looks like Jim Morrison whose name is actually Jim Morrison but who is played by annoying a**hole Ashton Kutcher. Reason enough to run screaming!
DRACULA: DEAD AND LOVING IT: Probably the worst Mel Brooks film. This time it's Leslie Neilson as Dracula. A comedy that lacks bite.
DREAM A LITTLE DREAM: Dumb and confusing pap starring The Coreys, Feldman and Haim. One of them switches bodys with an old man. I don't remember which one. Does it really matter??? Well, anyway, the whole "body switch" theme was pretty popular in '80s flicks, as was having movies that starred at least two guys named Corey. Corey Feldman was going through major MICHAEL JACKSON fandom during this movie and you can tell cuz not only does he do a MICHAEL JACKSON-inspired song and dance routine, he also dresses like he raided Jacko's closet.
DREAM A LITTLE DREAM 2: This is a cheapie sequel that I have to believe was written by, directed by, acted by and and funded by The Coreys themselves, Feldman and Haim. They reprise their roles as Bobby and Dinger, the two guys from DREAM A LITTLE DREAM. Well, anyway, our heros find these magic sunglasses that, when worn, can make the two Coreys communicate feelings between eachother. Got that? This somehow loosely connects this movie to the first DREAM A LITTLE DREAM. I think. Well, anyway, a sexy woman shows up to steal the glasses and The Coreys spend the rest of the movie trying to get them back. Corey Feldman has a painfully bad scene where he breaks into a song and dance a la MICHAEL JACKSON that sort of reminded me of the painfully bad song and dance routines he did in other crappy movies (See DREAM A LITTLE DREAM and ROCK & ROLL HIGH SCHOOL FOREVER).
DRIVE ME CRAZY: Teen girl (Melissa Joan Hart) who is Miss Popularity pretends to date outcast teen boy friend to make prospective dates get jealous and invite them to the prom. As dumb as it sounds. Features a lousy theme song by  BRITNEY SPEARS.
DR JECKYL & MS HYDE: Get this: Instead of turning into a crazy monster after taking the secret potion Dr Jeckyl turns into a woman. But the woman he turns into is Sean Young, who is a bit of a crazy monster herself!
DROP DEAD GORGEOUS: Deadly unfunny parody of teen beauty pagents. Around the time the charactor with the eating disorder starts losing clumps of hair you'll wonder who the genius who green lighted this "Comedy" was.
DR T AND THE WOMEN: Richard Gere is a doctor who is mystified by all the strange women in his life. Watch Farrah Fawcett get paid to "act crazy" and frolic naked in a fountain. Isn't that how Farrah Fawcett acts on a regular day?
DUDLEY DO RIGHT: After the sort-of-good GEORGE OF THE JUNGLE this misfire came out. Brendan Fraser is the title mountie and annoying, ugly girl Sarah Jessica Parker is Nell. Not a laugh to be found. Painfully bad.
DUMB AND DUMBERER: WHEN HARRY MET LLOYD: Sequel (prequel?) to the highly over-rated Jim Carrey flick DUMB & DUMBER. At least that movie had ONE funny scene.(Think "toilet")  This one is just dumb. And dumber! And dumberer still! Love how the previews glossed over the fact that the actors playing Harry and Lloyd weren't actually Jeff Daniels and Jim Carrey!
DUNGEONMASTER: I must have walked past the video of DUNGEONMASTER at least a dozen times at my video store and thought "That guy on the box looks just like that guy from W.A.S.P." and then kept walking. One day I actually rented it. I should have just kept walking. Because, although Blackie Lawless is superfly and W.A.S.P. rocks, DUNGEONMASTER is a totally crappy movie. It's about a computer nerd named Paul whose girlfriend gets stolen by an evil wizard. Why? I don't know why. But Paul has to go through the Seven Layers Of Hell (Or something like that) trying to figure out how to get her back. It's like being in one of those video games that gamer Paul loves so much. Only real. The gimmick here is that every "level" Paul ends up in is directed by a different director. That doesn't make any of 'em any good! The only one I really remember is when Paul lands in Hell and finds The Devil's House Band W.A.S.P. performing Tormentor. But, alas, W.A.S.P's cameo is all too brief. If W.A.S.P.performed for an additional seventy minutes it might have saved the film. (The film is seventy three minutes long but believe, me you "feel" every minute of it!) Look out for Richard "Bull from NIGHT COURT" Moll as a Bad Guy!
ELECTION: Heralded a great comedy, maybe this movie was too witty for me and went way over my head cuz I didn't laugh at all. Reese Witherspoon runs for a school  election and makes Matthew Broderick's life a living Hell. Luckily, she only makes two hours a living Hell for us in the audience.
ELF: Human child is dropped off at Santa's workshop by accident and raised an elf. When he grows up and is six feet tall he ventures into the real world to meet his real family. This movie got good reviews. I thought it was stupid.
ELVES: Nazi scientist creates evil elves to raise murderous mayhem during the holidays. Highlight: Guy in Santa suit whispering "Oral. Santa says "Oral"" to a teen girl.
EMPIRE RECORDS: Just a wild and wacky working day at the neighborhood record store overrun with too-cool-for-school employees such as the bald girl, the slut and the cute chick with the eating disorder. Low point: Musical finale atop the record store. Do you think Rene Zellwegger still puts this one on her resumes?
THE ENGLISH PATIENT: Boring, long movie where I sat fighting sleep thinking there just had to be some sort of pay off at the end. Nope.
ERASERHEAD: "Too weird for words" does not always a masterpiece make. This movie is a piece of sh*t! Black and white oddity about a buff-puff fro'd white man, his wife and his alien-like child. Beware of chicken dinner that starts clucking and hallucinatory fairie that pops out of the radiator and sings about Heaven!
EVERY DAY PEOPLE: A diner in Brooklyn is closing and everyone who works there is totally devestated. "What am I gonna do NOW????" they whail. Ummmm....Get a job in ANOTHER diner? This movie would have you believe that a diner closing it's doors, and selling out to Big Business, would deeply and tragically alter the lives of the owner, the workers and , get this, even the customers! Boring talky tale that makes a mountain out of a molehill.
THE EVIL WITHIN (aka BABY BLOOD): There's this pregnant woman named Yanka who is in a circus troupe with her abusive husband. There is a new leopard at the circus and one night it dies a terrible death and the disgusting monster-like creature that was living inside of it a la THE HIDDEN has to look for a new place to reside. It climbs into Yanka's womb (Don't ask HOW) and starts to posses her baby. The creature needs blood. Lots of it. And you know how it is with first time mothers: Whatever baby wants baby gets. So Yanka goes around luring stupid men so she can "feed" baby. This is all very gross, but wait: It gets grosser. Wait til baby is actually born. He's one mean sonofab*tch!  Totally nasty ...and keep in mind I have a strong stomach for this kind of stuff!  I like me some killer dolls and can stand an evil kid or two but teeny weenie babies should be left alone. Man, that's just WRONG!
* Also beware the other "Killer Baby" movies THE UNBORN and IT'S ALIVE.
EVIL TOONS: Four bimbos are hired to clean out an old house. They find one of those old spell books covered in a binding of human skin and written in Latin. Surprisingly, one of them knows Latin and, apparently none of them have ever seen a Horror movie, so they read the incantations and release one "evil toon". It looks a lot like the cartoon charactor Tazmanian Devil. The terrible toon's first order of business is to rape one of the girls. Okay, I'll admit it: This scene was somewhat amusing. But from there it's all downhill. Somehow David Carradine gets mixed up in all this. What happened? Did he lose a bet?
EVITA: Movie killer Madonna is the heroine of this true story about a once lowly whore who somehow became a woman of power. Great casting!
EXIT TO EDEN: Adventures of undercover cops Dan Aykroyd and Rosie O'Donell at an S&M resort. Spends a good twenty minutes introducing every single resort visitor, who then smiles and waves naked at the camera. Stupid storyline about Iman being a thief thrown in to make a "plot" in a movie that's just an excuse to show naked people in such odd settings as being a naked carousel that guests can ride on. (How would you like to be the lucky one Rosie sits on?)
EXORCIST II: THE HERETIC: Should be called "Why Sequels Should Never Be Made". Now a teen, Linda Blair is still haunted from her childhood possesion. SEE teen Linda thinking back to herself as a possesed child! SEE James Earl Jones dressed as a giant locust! SEE Pizuzu! SEE the nonsensical ending! TRY to make sense of it all!
EXORCIST III: They ditched Linda Blair and went a whole new route.George C Scott is a cop researching string of murders. Not very good.
THE FACULTY: Or The Stepford Teachers. Teen students notice that members of the faculty are starting to act strangely. Is it because they are being taken over by aliens? Borrows pretty liberally from INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS.  Also had the misfortune of coming out around the same time as sort-of -similar DISTURBING BEHAVIOR.
FAITHFUL: Cher is an annoying house wife whose husband puts a murder hit on her. When the killer shows up to kill her he ties her to a chair and listens to her yap, yap, yap for two hours. He should have spared himself (And us!) and offed the b*tch!
FALLEN: Confusing Horror flick that borrows elements from THE HIDDEN. Confusing as Hell and "cheats" by breaking it's own "rules".
THE FAN (1981): Laughably bad stalker flick about a long in the tooth actress  (Lauren Bacall) being stalked by a young guy who has a hero worship crush on her. When her assistant, Maureen "Edith Bunker" Stapleton, tells her that the guy's not just a gushing fan but a freak the guy writes Bacall a letter saying that he doesnt't like the assistant and believes she harbors lesbian tendencies towards Bacall. He makes quick business of the assistant and everyone else who gets in his way. This movie is so jaw droppingly bad, poorly made and silly that I almost want to tell you to rent it! It might actually crawl onto my Cult Classics list one day in the near future.
THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS: And the mind numbilngly stupid. Car racing flicks from the '50s were dumb. Now in the 2000s they are really dumb: The guys in THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS  lift up the hoods of their cars and there's enough technology in there to run NASA!
Keep your eyes open for great Shakespearian actor Vin Diesel!
FAST FOOD: Two dumba**es named Auggie and Drew have just graduated from highschool and are trying to decide what they should do with their lives. Their female friend Sam owns a gas station. Fast food franchise master Wrangler Bob wants to buy it to open up yet another one of his burger joints. That's when Auggie and Drew have the bright idea of turning the garage into a fast food joint and running it as their own. What they have over the competition is they put an aphrodisiac in their "secret sauce" so that everyone who eats the burgers gets horny.  Tee hee hee. Oh, look: Here comes their first customer. And wouldn't you know it: It's porn queen Traci Lords, falling out of her clothes and trying to be taken seriously as an actress!
FATHER'S DAY: A woman's teenage son runs away to follow band SUGAR RAY. (Well, it's not exactly THE GREATFUL DEAD) So how does Mommy Dearest plan on finding him? Here's what the hooch does: She calls two guys from her past (Robin Williams and Billy Crystal) and tells them that, Surprise!, One of them "might" be the boy's father, therefore it's THEIR job to find him! Niiiice! I never knew a movie that featured both Robin Williams and Billy Crystal could be so unfunny.
FATSO: Dom DeLouise is the title tubby who swears he'll lose weight when he falls in love with a little bitty waif of a woman. He puts iron chains on the fridge and then rips 'em off.
FEAR AND LOATHING IN LAS VEGAS: Johnny Depp looking the most unsexy you're ever going to see Johnny Depp ever look. He goes on a drug -fueld odyssey with ugly sex symbol Benicio Del Torro. They like to trip on acid and throw plugged in TV sets into bathtubs they're in. This movie was supposedly spawned from a good book. You'd have never have guessed that from viewing the finished product.
FEELING MINNESOTA: A guy (Keanu Reeves) goes to his brother's wedding and ends up shagging the bride-to-be (Cameron Diaz ) in the bathroom. This movie sucked. My sister Robin sings the praises of the movie TEQUILA SUNRISE because it features a scene with Mel Gibson and Michelle Pfeiffer in a hot tub together. She says they are both so gorgeous that she doesn't know which one to look at and that how can a movie with a scene with two really good looking people making it be bad. I tryed to apply this reasoning to FEELING MINNESOTA. I figured a movie where Keanu Reeves f*cks a cute blonde in a bathroom would be good. It wasn't. The next time I wanna see Keanu Reeves have sex with a cute blonde I'll watch him bang River Phoenix in MY OWN PRIVATE IDAHO.
FELIX THE CAT: THE MOVIE: Mind-numbingly awful cartoon dreck that looks like three or four totally different cartoons sewn together. The hero is the traditional, old school Felix the cat. He's trying to help out a beautiful Disney-esque princess who is from another world. She's being chased by the evil he-man with a kettle on his head that looks like he fell out of a POWER RANGERS show. And there are at least half a dozen other charactors that are all thrown into this unappetizing stew. The dubbing is terrible (Did this make sense in ANY language?), the story is poor and sloppy and don't even get me started on the art: This thing looks like it was made in the '60s. It was actually made in the '90s, but you could never tell from the "quality" of this film. Yuck a pooh!
FIERCE CREATURES: Unrelated sequel to A FISH CALLED WANDA, only difference being that movie was funny and this one is not.
FIGHT CLUB: First rule of Fight Club is don't watch FIGHT CLUB. Second rule of Fight Club is please, I'm begging you, please don't watch FIGHT CLUB. The third rule of Fight Club is if you DO watch FIGHT CLUB don't try to make any sense of it and don't try to say I didn't warn you. Without ruining any great "twist" ending I'll tell you that Edward Norton is a shlub whose life changes (Not neccesarily for the better) after he chances to meet Brad Pitt on a plane. Brad turns him onto such cool hobbies as making soap out of fat and getting pummeled for pay in Fight Club. As previously stated this movie has a "twist" ending. By the time the big shocker was revealed I DID NOT CARE!!!
A FINE MESS: No "fine", just a mess. Ted Danson and Howie Mandel ape without mercy to no avail.
FIRST BLOOD: Nonsensical garbage about Sylvester Stallone as soldier Rambo who is falsely arrested, escapes and then goes through great feats to get away. Guys love this kind of sh*t for some reason. I can't sit still through more than five minutes of it. Leonard Maltin claims nobody could possibly decipher Stallone's speech at the end of the film. Not so! My friend Alex can recite it word for word!
THE FIRST NUDIE MUSICAL: I wanted to love this movie, really I did (Just look at that title!), but it's just so desperately dumb, laugh-free and truly hurtin'. How can a movie about a Porn Musical be so boring and uninspired? To make matters worse, this film is from the '70s and it's age really shows. Maybe words like "nipple" were funny back then, I don't know.
The premise is "borrowed" from the Mel Brooks film THE PRODUCERS: A guy who runs a film studio that makes Pornos is about to lose everything if his next picture is not a huge success. He decides to make a Porno that is chock-full of  singing and dancing Musical numbers. And he only has two weeks to do it.
What follows are the auditions where women drop their clothes and fake orgasms terribly ("Oooh oooh ooooooh!") and Ron HAPPY DAYS Howard shows up to audition (But, don't worry, Little Opie keeps all his clothes on!)
Next is the rehearsals where people tap dance and SOAP's Diana Canova shakes a maraca and sings La Cucaracha.
Then there's the actual shooting of the film, titled COME...COME NOW. The director is a twenty-something nebbish virgin who is totally clueless. They start sending him out for donuts so they can shoot the film behind his back. The star of COME...COME NOW is a sexy redhead who is a b*tch-on-wheels who makes everybody working on the film's life a living Hell. She flirts with the director, much to the chagrin of his sweet secretary girlfriend, played by Cindy Williams (Don't worry, "Shirley" keeps all her clothes on!) This woman is such a harridan that men in the film who are supposed to have sex with her can't get it up. What to do? Hire a "stunt cock"!
This all sounds very funny, I'm sure: Nudie Musical, Ron Howard, "stunt cock"...but don't be fooled. It has really dopey comedy that falls flat. You know a film is in trouble when it has musical numbers called Dancing Dildos and Lesbian Butch Dyke and you STILL don't find yourself smiling.
I DID enjoy the big finale song Let Them Eat Cake (But Let Me Eat You) though.
FLASHDANCE: Oh, f*ck you. Terrible movie that had the good fortune to come out during the dawn of MTV and it shows. Teen girl doesn't work in BURGER KING like most seventeen year olds. She's a welder by day, exotic dancer by night. But wait: Don't misinterpret "exotic dancer" as "stripper". She dances to New Wave hits at a gentleman's club where the dancers keep their clothes on. (And yet the place is packed. Go figure!) The dancers who "flashdance" thumb their noses at the seedy club down the street where the girls take off their clothes. Our heroine Alex is aghast when her best friend, a blonde would-be skater, works there for a day. Alex has an assortment of good friends: Skater blonde, skater blonde's kooky comedian boyfriend, an old lady who was once a prima ballerina and a big ugly dog named Grunt. Everybody has a dream.  Alex's dream is to be a ballerina even though she has no training other than doing twirls in front of the TV in torn sweatshirts with diet soda cans in her hand. She gets to become a professional dancer because even though she doesn't have years of training she has the one thing that truly counts: Spunk!
FLUBBER: Remake of THE ABSENT MINDED PROFESSOR with Robin Williams as a scientist who keeps missing his wedding because he's busy inventing a substance called Flubber that causes things to bounce. A real dud of a movie. DISNEY must have lost millions trying to push FLUBBER memorabilia. It must have been tough trying to peddle something that looked like a giant pile of snot.
THE FOG: Dull, dreary Horror movie about a California coastal town that has a hundred year curse. Every hundred years The Fog comes rolling in and the death toll rises. How scary is The Fog? Well, it's pretty much smoke! How scary is that??? A female deejay drones on and on reminding us every few minutes that it's the town's anniversary. It gets repetitive after awhile.
FOOTLOOSE: Oh, f*ck you. Teen boy moves to the sticks to find that dancing has been outlawed there! He meets a little firecracker who ends up being the preacher's daughter and together they demand the kids in town be allowed to throw a dance. By the end of the movie kids we have been told never danced a step  before are doing synchronized, well choreographed dance moves in unison. This dance segment is actually very funny. Did it EVER look cool?
THE FORSAKEN: Vampire flick that is grosser than most.Worse than most too.
FOUR ROOMS: Four tales that all take place at the same hotel in different rooms, none of them any good. One involves a coven of witches trying to summon the "head witch" or someone. That segment features a bevy of actresses you'll recognize from Ione Skye to MADONNA (Yes, people are still letting MADONNA make movies, damn them!). Another segment involves two little kids left alone that somehow become the bellhop's problem. Another story involves the old urban legend about a strange smell in the room being caused by a dead body hidden under one of the mattresses. The last story is a rip-off of the old ALFRED HITCHCOCK PRESENTS story where two guys wager a bet and the loser has to cut off a finger. All strories are a complete waste of time.
FRANKENHOOKER: When a guy's fiancee gets killed by his automatic lawn mower he manages to save the brain and goes out looking for parts. He uses a drug he invented called Super Crack (Patent pending) and when the whores he gives it to take it they explode and limbs go flying. He uses different pieces from each whore, sews 'em all together and makes Frankenhooker, a big, purple, stiched-up woman who walks around saying "Want a date?" and killing people. (I know what your thinking: Going by the description I should have loved this movie!) 
FREAKED: Bad movie about a once famous actor who with a friend and an annoying love interest in tow ends up at a house of freaks where he and his travel mates are all turned to freaks as well. Trys to be hip and outrageous and it is. But it never really hits on being "funny".(My daughter, then six, loved it so what do I know?)
FREDDY'S DEAD: THE FINAL NIGHTMARE: The NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET movies always worked best when the teens that were getting sliced and diced were people we actually cared about. In this one Freddy is just chopping up generic teens we couldn't care less about. This movie had a ten minute 3D segment in it. Even that couldn't save it.
THE FRESHMAN: Matthew Broderick starts dating a girl unaware that her family is in the mob and her grandfather is none other than Marlon Brando, sort of reprising his GODFATHER role. That's the films one joke and once it's made the film proceeds to drag on another two hours without so much as a chuckle.
GALAXY OF TERROR: Grade Z ALIENS rip-off about a bunch of dumb a**es in space , among them ELM STREET's Robert Englund, HOUSE OF 1,000 CORPSES' Sid Haig and JOANIE LOVES CHACHI star Erin Moran. Things go terribly wrong. Especially for the girl who gets raped by a giant bug. You've been warned.
GARFIELD: Remember comic book charactor Garfield, that lasagna loving fat cat who used to make fun of his owner and beat on the pet dog? Well, he's back and voiced by Bill Murray. (Lorenzo Music, who originally did GARFIELD's voice passed away). For some reason Garfield is computer animated and everyone else in the movie, human charactors and all the other animals, are live action. Garfield's dolt owner Jon, who really isn't that big a boob here, takes Garfield to the female vet so he can gawk at her and flirt. Unlike the comic, the female vet actually flirts back. In the comic she just busted his balls and made rude jokes at his expense. Also unlike the comic, Liz doesn't wear a big, unflattering doctor frock: It's Jennifer Love Hewitt wearing doll clothes that show a little more Jennifer Love than any children's movie should. Liz gives dog-looking-for-a-home Odie to Jon and now Garfield has to share Jon's affections. Odie is cute and can really bust a move. These jerks from television who exploit animals decide to steal Odie and make him a "star". This means making him wear a shock collar that hurts him and forces him to do tricks. (Niiiiiiiiice kid movie!) Garfield saves Odie. The end of the movie is Garfield, Odie, Jon and Liz all snuggled up on the couch watching TV. Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! Wasn't half the appeal of GARFIELD comics that Garfield and Liz were mean and cynical to Odie and Jon? And if we're going to nitpick: Where are Garfield's black stripes? Why isn't Nermal small, cute and grey? Why is he Siamese? Why is Arlene grey instead of purple? Why doesn't she have a gap in her teeth? Why isn't Odie yellow? Why does he not slobber? Why was this film ever made?
GHOST SHIP: Stuff happens aboard a haunted ship that should have had Stephen King on the phone with his lawyers. They totally rip-off THE SHINING!
THE GHOSTS OF ANGELA WEBB: This straight to video cheapie is based on a true story. That doesn't make it particularly interesting. Or scary. In fact, it's not scary at all. A young woman named Angela buys a great, big, old country home really, really cheap. Well, as we all know from watching years and years of Horror movies, when you buy a nice, big house cheap it usually means that it's haunted in some way, shape or form. This one has ghosts. In fact, the second the house offically belongs to Angela the smart a** kid who is the son of the people who just sold the house to Angela takes a moment to "introduce" her to one of the ghosts. Nice guy, huh? Angela gets in touch with a psychic and a paranormal expert and tells them that her house is haunted. She invites them to come over and see for themselves. They go to a lame party at Angela's house and sure enough there are ghosts walking around, sitting on the couch and trying to seduce people in the bathroom. A few friends sleep over the night of the party, see the ghosts and vow never to come in the house again. One guy makes a speech ten minutes long about "After tonight, after I get ready to leave and after I leave I am never coming back in this house again". Boy, he's not exactly high-tailing it outta there. He's taking his sweet a** time. No surprise since the ghost he saw, a lumberjack dude, didn't really harass him. There's also a female guest who sits on the stairs uttering with absolutely no emotion "I'm so scared. I'm so scared" and saying she wishes she could leave. Well, I said "Get up, walk down the hall, get to the door and turn the knob, Fool!" What did she mean she "couldn't leave"? Of course she could! Her ghost was also just a passerby who did her no harm. The ghosts in this flick don't do anything menacing aside from showing up. Because, I'm guessing, of a low budget the ghosts don't get any "special effects" treatment. They don't look blurry and they don't have an "aura" around them. In fact, it takes awhile to get the hang of figuring out which charactors are the ghosts and which ones are the "real people". The ghosts steal celery from the kitchen, move chairs around a la POLTERGEIST and one bisexual female ghost has sex with Angela. The kind of sex you see on The SPICE channel (Not that I would know.) The actresses in the "seduction scene" are not your typical porn stars though. They should hit the beach and the gym more. When Angela is not getting humped by the female ghost she pitches hissy fits about having to share her house with the non-rent paying ghosts. She stands in the middle of the room alone screaming "This is MY house! Not yours! Not yours! Get out!" They don't listen though. I couldn't help but recall all the times I've seen psychic Sylvia Brown on MONTEL telling people that if you have a ghost in your house you should be calm and collective and rationalize with the ghost by saying "Look, you're dead. It's time for you to go to Heaven now". She claims that this technique works and who am I to say she's wrong?! Angela Webb coincidently worked in The World Trade Center. I guess you can guess what the end of the movie is. Lets just say that the house has one more ghost when the credits role. This movie looks like it cost $50 to make. It has terrible acting, no special effects, and looks like something I could have made with a camcorder and five of my friends.
GHOULIES: Really bad movie about evil critters on the loose ruining a guy's party.
GIRLFRIEND FROM HELL: A demonic force takes over a virginal, young prude and she becomes The Girlfriend From Hell, a slutty, sexy temptress who kills people with sex! An angel is sent to Earth to help. He is an angel because his claim to fame is being the guy who invented condoms. A truly stupid movie.
GODFATHER PART 3: Oh, let's face it, Folks, this one was just not up to par. I wont even state the obvious facts about Sophia Coppola's performance.
GODZILLA (1998): Godzilla has been attacking the city for years. Let's put him to rest. Matthew Broderick is the next great action hero (Not really) who battles Godzilla, who it ends up is female and gonna have baby Godzillas. Terrible, terrible big budget disaster movie. Yup. It was a disaster all right!
GODZILLA 2000: The Japanese were not about to let us have the final word on GODZILLA. Here he is back in Tokyo, back to being a male, and back to stomping everything in sight. I would state the obvious, that it's poorly dubbed, but if it wasn't it wouldn't be a GODZILLA movie!
GOLDENEYE: I don't know why I pick GOLDENEYE as my choice for worst James Bond flick. Maybe it's cuz it was the last one I sat through from start to finish. And it had Alan Cumming (Porn name!) as a particularly annoying Russian spy who was supposed to be there as "comic relief", only he wasn't funny at all. I have never been much of a fan of Bond flicks anyway. I think GOLDFINGER was the only good one. Now they just keep crankin' 'em out and they all seem the same to me. Is anyone really ever surprised anymore when Bond ends up in bed with the girl we know is a bad guy? Of course not!  Anyone who has seen three or more of these things could write the script for the next one. Gimme three days, three bottles of wine and a hundred pieces of paper. I could write the f*cking thing! They are all basically the same! I could get GWEN STEFANI to sing the Top 40 theme song. She could have a cameo in the film as female enemy spy Lovya Longtime!
GORDY: The "Other Talking Pig Movie". Trying to ride the porcine wave of BABE this is a pig named Gordy being saved from the slaughterhouse. Beware terrible Country music numbers that will make you pine for the singing mice!
GOTHIKA: Another bad Halle Berry movie. She's a psychiatrist who one day after a terrible accident finds herself in a padded cel. "But I didn't do it!" she whails. Then who did? "Well, I'll just piece together who did and prove my innocence. Since I was framed the person who did it is obvously someone near and dear to me. Oh my God...Could it be......?"
GRAVEYARD SHIFT: Bad Stephen King movie about rats attacking people who work in a mine.
THE GUARDIAN: Ridiculous tale of yuppy couple who are looking for a nanny. They find a woman who is supposed to be very attractive. Me and Karl said "She looks crazy! You can tell just by looking at her!" Well, lo and behold, we were right. She's a druid who worships an ancient tree in the woods in the back of the couple's house. She frolics naked with the woodland creatures and sort of makes out with the tree. Her ultimate goal is to feed the infant TO the tree. Of course, the husband finds the woman attractive (After he stumbles in on her in the tub with the baby one day) and so when people start trying to tell him she's not normal he doesn't wanna hear it. This movie is so strange it's almost good in a so-bad- it's- good way. But not quite.
THE GUN IN BETTY LOU'S HANDBAG: A man gives his wife a gun and when it accidentally goes off in a ladies room there is a misunderstanding and she becomes a celebrity of sorts. Truly dumb movie.
HALF-BAKED: Not very funny comedy about a group of guy's who are selling drugs. One guy hopes his girfriend doesn't find out. Oh, what a b*tch she must be. Don't you hate when women whine over the teeniest little things: Like partaking in illegal practices?
HALLOWEEN III: THE SEASON OF THE WITCH: Totally unrelated to 1, 2, and any of the sequels after 3, this one is about the Silver Shamrock company and their plans on destroying the children of the world by having them all put their cursed Halloween masks on at the same time and have disgusting cockroaches devour their faces. A great flick for the kiddies!
HALLOWEEN; THE CURSE OF MICHAEL MEYERS: For years we have wondered why Michael Meyers kills people and now we know. He was a druid. Ah yes, that explains it.
HALLOWEEN RESURRECTION: Okay. Time to stop making these. Right now. Because although the HALLOWEEN series has faltered a bit before it has really hit rock bottom with this installment. Need proof? It stars none other than BUSTA RHYMES. And not only does BUSTA RHYMES get chased by Michael Meyers, he actually gets a few good Kung Fu shots in and gets to spout a couple of groaner one-liners.Tyra Banks is on hand too. She gets killed. Or does she? I mean, it's sort of implyed she dies. But did she REALLY? Anyway, the story here is a bunch of stupid teens are being paid to stay in the Meyers childhood home and be taped for a Reality TV-like website pay per view (I guess. Who the f*** knows). So Michael Meyers, because he's run out of relatives to kill, goes after them. He's out of relatives because in the beginning of this one he kills his sister, HALLOWEEN heroine Laurie Strode (Jamie Lee Curtis). Why does Laurie die in this one? Because Jamie Lee Curtis wanted to make sure she never had to appear in one of these HALLOWEEN flicks ever again. See?! Even SHE knows the griddle's not hot anymore! So Michael's got no more relatives to kill. But wait: Didn't Laurie have a son in HALLOWEEN H20? Yes, she did. The lad looked sort of like Josh Hartnett. What? It WAS Josh Hartnett? And he refused to be in this one? See?! HE knows the griddle's not hot anymore too!  Take a hint from Jamie Lee and Josh and Avoid, avoid, avoid!
THE HAUNTING (1999): Terrible remake where a twisted man invites a group of people to stay at his haunted mansion. The soft spoken, dowdy girl feels a connection to the house and refuses to leave even after fit hits the shan. The house needs her and she needs it. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
HERBIE - FULLY LOADED: "Fully Loaded": Full of sh*t. Load of sh*t. Sometimes the reviews just write themselves. Because the folks at Disney are responsible for launching Lindsay Lohan's career they own her soul. Why else would she have agreed to be in this stupid movie? There hadn't been a Herbie The Love Bug movie in 25 years. There was a reason!  That "lovable bug" from the old '70s movies is saved from the scrap heap by a too-old-for-the-role Lohan. I say "too-old-for-the-role" because although Lohan's charactor is a little tomboy type Lohan herself is busting out all over and looking every bit the woman. She fixes Herbie up and ends up racing him. Herbie's got a mind of his own though and he pretty much drives himself. Matt Dillon is The Bad Guy who wants to sabotage Herbie. (Why, Matt, why?)  
HEY THERE ARE NAKED BODIES ON MY TV: This one, that was in the Comedy section of my video store but really comes pretty close to being actual porn, was amusing for about five minutes. The premise is this: All our favorite shows from the '70s have been turned into pornos! First up we have a softcore version of HAPPY DAYS. It's Richie's birthday and Fonzie has decided his gift to Richie is going to be getting Richie laid. Potsie and Ralph are hanging out there too but they're mostly just there to watch. Fonzie has a group of girls come over and trys to hook Richie up with one. Richie's pretty much a dud so the girls all go flocking to Fonzie and they rub up nude all over him leading him to say the pretty obvious, but also sort of clever, line "Sit on it". I wanna point out here that this movie, while pretty damn filthy, is sort of shy in what it's willing to show us. A lot of people are nude, a lot of people are implyed to be having sex, but not a whole lot is shown. Next up is WELCOME BACK KOTTER and The SweatHogs are learning Sex Ed from a slutty teacher's aide and Vinnie Barbarino. I think around this time I was starting to get bored with it and hit fast foward. The sex scenes aren't very titillating and go on and on forever to the point of becoming dull. Also I couldn't wait to see which show they would lampoon next! It was BARNEY MILLER. The running joke here is that everybody really enjoys the coffee. They'll take a sip, wait a minute, and then nod their head as if to be thinking "Yup. That's good coffee." Of course, the police station holding cells have their share of prostitutes for the BARNEY MILLER crew to get down with. (Yup: Even the Abe Vigoda charactor gets his jollys.) And that's the end of the movie. Which is a pity cuz I would have liked to have seen what they might have done with LAVERNE & SHIRLEY or, dare to dream, THE BRADY BUNCH. This movie also has footage of a really strange cartoon in which a prince and a princess have sex. (His package is so big it goes IN one end and OUT the other!) While the premise of wanting to see your old TV faves have sex is sort of compelling (Even if it IS only out of morbid curiosity) do we really feel the need to see charactors like Richie Cunningham, Horseshack and Fish naked?! They may have been funny but they weren't particularly hot!
HOCUS POCUS: Really bad Halloween movie with Bette Midler, Kathy Najimy and Sarah Jessica Parker running amuck, amuck, amuck on Halloween. Only funny line comes from Penny Marshall:"Aren't you broads a little old to be Trick Or Treating?"
HOME ON THE RANGE: Low key Disney disappointment about three cows on a ranch. Dull and unappealing.
HOODWINKED: Laugh-free, utterly charmless childrens movie that's supposed to be a hip, modernized re-telling of the LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD STORY. Red (Voiced by Anne Hathaway) is on her way to visit Granny when she is notified by a woodland creature that all the shops in town that sell sweets are closing down because someone is stealing the recipes. This does not bode well for Granny, who runs a sweet shop. So now Red is off to guard the recipes and save the day. A group of animal policemen round up the usual suspects: Red, Granny, The Big Bad Wolf, and The Woodsman for questioning and each takes their turn telling their (Unfunny) version of the story. HOODWINKED thinks it's clever and throws in lots of "in jokes" and borrows from other movies but all to no avail. None of it is funny. I saw this film in a room full of seven year olds and they laughed only once. (Think "coffee"). Good for them, it was once more than I laughed. The soundtack wasn't bad though. Alas, that does not save HOODWINKED from being a "Miss".
HOOK: Remember Peter Pan, the boy who would never grow up? Well, he did. He's a grown up now. A no nonsense Dad. His kids get kidnapped by Captain Hook and Peter must find his inner child to save them. Everyone praised the casting in HOOK. Maybe I can accept Robin Williams as Peter Pan. Maybe I can accept Dustin Hoffman as Captain Hook. But who was the genius who decided to cast six foot tall Julia Roberts as Tinkerbell?
HOUSE OF THE DEAD: Sigh. Where to begin?
Well, first up I wanna put some blame on myself. I have a cardinal rule about never watching movies based on videogames. HOUSE OF THE DEAD is based on a SEGA videogame. You can tell cuz the film is "ingeniously" interspersed with actual vidogame footage . This was by far the cheesiest aspect of the movie. But wait: There's more:The plot is about a group of......Teens? Twentysomethings? Thirtysomethings? Well, however old they are, they're too old to be acting the way they act (They act like they've never seen beer or boobies before!) They are going to the "rave of the year" which, for some godforsaken reason, is being held on the far-off, almost-impossible-to-get-to Isla De Morte, which loosely translates into Isle Of the Dead (Yeah, I love the dead too, but I don't go around making crappy movies about it!) The lead guy lets us know in his narration in the first three minutes of the movie that he is the only one who is going to survive. Thanks for dropping that little "spoiler" on us, Dude!
He introduces us to his friends: "This is my friend so-and-so. He's all looks, no brains. This is my friend Joe Schmoe. He's a big wimp. This is my friend blonde floozy. Total eye candy. This is my friend token black girl. She thinks she's Foxy Brown. This is my old girlfriend, redhead-chick-in-corset-top. We broke up so I could study and she could fence". Huh? Did he just say "fence"? As in "fencing"? That Medeival swordplay sh*t Bruce Dikinson does? Why would he tell us that about her? that when we see her swinging a sword around like a pro later on we won't scratch our heads and wonder where she got the skills to pay the bills. (What?!)
The old legend is that the Island Of The Dead is haunted and no one wants to bring their boat over there. No way. No how. Now Sirree Bob. But wait: Our party-starved young group has just GOT to get to that rave so they ask a sailor and Clint Howard (!) to sail them over there. They finally get a ride out there after they offer the sailors $1000  (Where the Hell did these people get $1000? And what kind of rave is worth a thousand balloons?! I say "save your money and go to ten $100 rave!s!". Makes sense, right? It will when you finally get a glimpse of the rave that is being held in broad daylight (So much for those glow sticks!), consists of about ten people, a huge SEGA banner and some crappy Techno music. And zombies. Whoops. I've said too much!).
When they get there they see that no one is there and that  the place looks a little tore up. But, hey, look: There's beer! THAT'S worth the $1000 we just spent to get here!
One guy and his bimbo girfriend (Cindy: The giggly bimbo blonde) go off to have sex. He realizes he has to take a leak. He gets attacked by a zombie. She goes off looking for him. She gets attacked by same said zombie. SHE turns into a zombie and goes to attack the rest of the group. Out of nowhere help arrives in the form of a coast guard woman. Yes, when there are zombies afoot they send ONE woman. Nice huh? You'd think the situation would call for....Well: Back-up!
There's also a guy who has a crate of weaponry with him. How conveniant! 
We also meet two surviving ravers who lived to tell. One is a guy and one is a Filipino chick in a really stupid looking American flag bodysuit with seventeen ponytails on her head named Liberty. She goes from being a scared wimp to a Kung Fu champion in seconds, taking on zombies left and right and giving them what for, even though she clearly weighs about 85 pounds.
In fact, everyone in this flick goes from being scared-for-five-minutes to being skilled sharpshooters who all know at least one form of martial arts. They sure can kick zombie  a**!
And ya gotta LOVE that MATRIX-style editing. (Note sarcasm). After a long, drawn-out battle scene between the humans and the zombies, one of the main charactors stops and has a moment of deep reflection: He then stares off into space and plays clips from the movie over again in a montage in his brain!
Fresh from whomping zombie a** and watching a few friends get iced the young folk go and pair off for make out sessions(!) Yes, I know that that's what I do when I know bloodthirsty zombies are running around outside my shack (And run they do! These aren't your old school NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD zombies that amble around soooo sloooowly. These f*ckers are runnin' and jumping ten feet in the air! It's like the Zombie Olympics!))
At the end we meet the Head Zombie Guy and our "hero" asks him "You did all this to become immortal. Why?" to which Head Zombie Guy says "To live forever!" Well, duh!  That's kind of redundant. Look up the word "immortal" in the dictionary. It says "to live forever"! (At this point I sang "FAME! I wanna live forever! I wanna learn how to fly! HIGH!" at the TV set, while fighting the urge to kick my foot through it and end this nonsense once and for all.)
Oh, and by the way: The zombies in this thing? NOT SCARY! Head Zombie Guy is  especially cheesy looking in his Dr Moreau make-up he borrowed from Marlon Brando.
At the end of the flick SPOILERS someone cuts Head Zombie Guy's head off and he runs around headless still attacking people while his head lays on the ground watching. Then some chick comes limping over and I yelled "She's gonna kick the head!" and started laughing. I was wrong though:  She steps on the head, crushes it and says "Game over!" I groaned. Just like I groaned when Jigsaw said "Game over" at the end of SAW (See SAW review below)
You know what the only scary thing about HOUSE OF THE DEAD is, Folks: The ending leaves it wide open for a sequel: HOUSE OF THE DEAD 2. Noooooo!
HOUSE OF WAX (2005): A remake of the Vincent Price classic HOUSE OF WAX? No, not really. The story here is more like a cheap re-tooling of TOURIST TRAP and the stars, teen boy beat-off material Paris (God Save Us All) Hilton and Elisha Cuthbert, are nowhere near touching the heel of Vincent Price. A bunch of dumb teens (Again!) experience car trouble (Again!) and end up in strange town (Again!) screaming for their lives (Again!) I don't think I have to tell you that the Teens Getting Killed formula has been done and done and done again. I will tell you though that this is one of the poorest recent examples.Paris Hilton thought this movie would be a great success because she was "hotter" than Vincent Price. I beg to differ! Still, there IS something very satisfying about watching Paris Hilton take one to the head with a crowbar.
HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL(1999) Recurring theme of people, this time a kinky couple, who invite group of chumps to their strange house. Bit Of Advice: If it was a Horror remake made in the '90s based on an old black and white movie it was crap!
HOWARD THE DUCK: Infamous bomb about a duck from another planet who crashes to Earth and hooks up with cute Rocker chick Lea Thompson. Yes, the two have a sex scene. Painful to watch.(Not just the sex scene: The whole movie is painful to watch!)
HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS: Is nothing sacred? Leave The Seuss alone!
HOW TO LOSE A GUY IN TEN DAYS: Womens magazine writer makes a bet with her friend that despite how cute and charming and perky (And apparently concieted) she is she can get a guy to fall madly in love with her and then make him break up with her by faking being annoying. What she doesn't know is the guy she chooses to do this experiment on has just made a bet with his friend that he can make a long lasting relationship with any woman in the room. Of course, they end up together and she is trying to get him to dump her and he is trying to stick it out. Why we should care about either of these obnoxious charactors is beyond me. By the end we're supposed to be routing for them to get back together. Why prolong the agony?
THE HUGGA BUNCH MOVIE: A lot of people remember seeing this movie during their childhood, but not many can remember the name of the movie itself. THE HUGGA BUNCH MOVIE is about a little girl whose grandmother lives with her family. But grandma is not as spry as she once was and, like an old dog, the family is trying to think of a nice way to put Grandma out to pasture. They are planning on shipping her off to an old folks home. The little girl has to think of a way to make Grandma more alert and lively so she can stick around and continue to live with the family. While hugging a stuffed animal that Grandma gave her the girl hears an eerie giggling sound. It's coming from her bedroom mirror. On closer inspection the mirror is wavey and you can reach in and things that live on the other side can reach out. The "things on the other side" are ugly, fat little doll puppets called The Hugga Bunch, sort of a crossbreed between Cabbage Patch Kids and Pillow People.(And, yes, there were actual HUGGA BUNCH dolls you could buy making the movie, in essence, one long commercial!) The Hugga Bunch have a message that good huggin' can fix just about any old problem. One of the Hugga Bunch tells the little girl that if she goes through the mirror into the Hugga Bunch pillow-like Land Of Hugs and gets a rare fruit from a tree guarded by an evil queen that the fruit will make Grandma youthful again. So the little girl goes through the mirror, meets the rest of the ugly puppets and is on a quest to bring back the forbidden fruit and give Grandma some fruit and some good huggin'! Corny. Cheap. Commerical. Craptastic.
I, ROBOT: More Wil Smith stink that takes place in the near future. Robots are everywhere to serve man. But is this change really for the better? Wil is a self proclaimed bad-a** who thinks not. He's called in to investigate when a professor, whose job it is to build these sort of robots, is murdered. All signs point to the murder being comitted by a robot. But that's "impossible" because the way these robots are made they are programmed not to ever harm man, to protect man and to only fight to protect themselves in self defense. This movie very heavily relys on computerized special effects. I hate them! Almost as much as I hate Wil Smith and his crappy movies!
ICE CREAM MAN (1997): Ever find yourself wondering where the guy who drives the MR SOFTY truck goes to the bathroom and where and if he ever washes his hands? Well, that will be the least of your problems if your neighborhood ice cream truck is driven by nasty sicko Clint Howard. That dude is just plain nasty!
IF LUCY FELL: Annoying movie about annoying Sarah Jessica Parker and her annoying male friend and their annoying death pact ("If we're not marrried by the time we're  thirty we'll kill ourselves") and their annoying romantic pursuits that never go well and aren't terribly funny. The "male friend" in this is the director and he stages himself an improbable love scene with model Elle Macpherson. Yup. She's hot for him despite the fact he's short and dumpy and wears dresses. (Yes, I said "dresses"!)
I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER: A bunch of happy Horror movie teens, just graduated from high school, find their lives destroyed when they get in a car accident and hit a man who is in the middle of the street they are driving down. They make a pact never to mention the unpleasant incident again and toss his dead a** into the sea. But wait: Someone has actually witnessed this grave injustice! So now the teens (Led by Jennifer Love Hewitt and Freddie Prinze Jr. My favorites! NOT!) are soon receiving ominous notes that say "I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER". That's odd. And so it the guy with a hook who is dressed like The Gorton's Fisherman who is following them around! This film gives us a long list of suspects to choose the crazy killer from. Heck, it even throws in the always weird and wacky Anne Heche as a red herring. Speaking of "red herrings", SPOILER: This film does the one thing I cant stand in Horror movies: It "cheats"! It gives us a list of suspects to choose from and then tells us that, Surprise! It's none of them! Who was The Killer? "This guy"! Oh. And who the Hell is "this guy"??? He wasn't even IN the movie at all! Believe it or not, this stinker actually has a sequel called I STILL KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER.
INSPECTOR GADGET: Awful kiddie comedy starring Matthew Broderick as Inspector Gadget, private eye /  machinery man. I'm still trying to figure out which was Mattthew Broderick's career low point: INSPECTOR GADGET  or GODZILLA.

THE ISLAND OF DR MOREAU (1996): Marlon Brando is Dr Moreau in this one. His appearance in this film reminds me of a retread of an old dirty joke: How do you find the privates on a 500 pound fat man? Roll him in flour and look for the wet spot. Marlon is covered in white powder (Why? I donb't know why!) and big as a house and not acting spry at all as the mad scientist-type who has an island full of half-man half-beast creatures. Yes, they are disgusting, but then again, so is Marlon in this flick. Check out Fairuza Balk (And her green teeth) as a sexy, wild woman!
IT''S PAT: SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE skit that was best kept at five minutes turned into feature film. Is Pat a man? Or is Pat a woman? Pat's neighbor becomes obssesed with finding out. I become obssesed with finding out why people are paying to see this stuff in theatres when they can watch it on TV for free!
JACK FROST (1997): Horror movie about killer snowman. "High point" is when AMERICAN PIE's Shannon Elizabeth gets raped by the killer snowman. Oh! So THAT'S what the carrot is for! As if raping and killing her wasn't bad enough he then makes a smarmy remark about "Christmas cumming early "! This movie somehow, I kid you not, spawned a sequel!
JACK FROST ( 1998): Made around the same time as the Horror movie JACK FROST and just as bad. A boy has a father (Michael Keaton) who never makes time for him. After dad drops dead he comes back to life in the form of the snowman the kid had built in the front yard! All the kid seems to care about is "What's it like to be a snowman?" so the father tells him. This leads to cornball exchanges like this:
Son: You the man!
Father: No. I the snowman!
Groan, wince, cringe. Now all we need is for someone to make a snowman porno called JACK FROST and the Trilogy From Hell will be complete.
JASON GOES TO HELL: THE FINAL FRIDAY: Jason's not actually doing the killings here per se: He jumps into other people's bodies to kill a la THE HIDDEN. He is looking for his sister that all the other FRIDAY THE 13th movies failed to mention. He needs the blood of her and her newborn baby for some reason or other. At the end Jason is dead and pulled into Hell by Freddy but don't worry: He comes back. As long as there's sequel money to be made he''ll keep coming back!
JASON X: Totally stupid FRIDAY THE 13th movie. This time Jason is in the future in outer space. He regenerates and kills everyone on the spaceship. Enough already!
JAWBREAKER: Lame black comedy that wants to be tragically hip. The kind of movie where you look at the popular clique of girls and think "Real teenage girls don't dress or act like that anywhere on Earth" (Same goes for CRUEL INTENTIONS and CLUELESS). The girls accidentally, or not so accidentally, kill one of their own and have to cover it up. This movie allegedly features a sex scene with MARILYN MANSON. I didn't stick around to find out!
THE JERKY BOYS: THE JERKY BOYS were New York pranksters who became famous by making prank phone calls, recording them and putting them on albums. The albums WERE funny. Part of that was the people being pranked were not aware they were being duped and their reactions to the crazy calls were priceless. Now in the movie the same jokes were being re-hashed with actor's replying with scripted responses. What's so funny about that? (Same can be said of Jerry Springer's RINGMASTER)
JOE'S APARTMENT: Funny comedy short from MTV gets turned into a full length feature and flops. The premise is pretty funny: A guy shares his cheap, rent controlled apartment with a million singing, dancing, talking ,friendly cockroaches. The relationship between Joe and the roaches isn't bad. It's his dopey romantic love interest, a band called SH*T and the pink urinal cakes that make this movie stink.
JOE VERSUS THE VOLCANO: Tom Hanks doesn't make many bad movies. JOE VERSUS THE VOLCANO and VOLUNTEERS are exceptions to the rule though. In JOE he is a guy who finds out he's going to die who offers to let natives on an island toss him into a volcano as a sacrafice. Then he meets cute Meg Ryan and changes his mind. I still like Tom Hanks but right about now I'm starting to wish someone would throw Meg Ryan into a volcano. (Sorry, Karl!)
JU REI (aka THE UNCANNY): Asian Horror flick much in the vein of every other popular Asian Horror flick (THE RING, THE GRUDGE) is about a myth about a dark shadow that appears right before it snuffs you out. This movie has a gimmick though: The movie STARTS at Chapter 1`0 and then works it's way backwords to the beginning "prologue" of the movie". And, yet, they STILL neglect to tell us the origin of the myth. Duh! The movie starts at the end with a bunch of Japanese teen girls coming home from the movies. One of them witnessed something terrible there and is now in shock so they are trying to get her home. The curse here works in a sort of  "domino effect" : The last person to have contact with the most recent person to encounter the "shadow" is also gonna meet their each story unfolds with someone getting iced and then goes on to the previous chapter which shows them with the last person who got iced, which explains why they will be getting iced next. Got that? Confusing? A little bit. After a few "chapters" you get used to it though. NOW: Are the shadows scary? No. Not really. At least not if you've ever seen an Asian Horror movie before. The ghosts in this movie are so much like the ones we saw in THE GRUDGE (Another terrible Asian Horror flick!) that it's practically plagiarism. Anyone who can explain the "end" -  which explains "the beginning" -  to me gets a cookie.
JUST MY LUCK: Lindsay Lohan in another "Switch Movie" (THE PARENT TRAP, FREAKY FRIDAY). This time she stars as Ashley Albright, a girl who looks like she just graduated from high school last week who somehow works at a prestigious New York City office and lives in a beautiful New York City apartment. Ashley has awesome luck. She is the most valuable player at work, always has a date, wins money playing scratch off lottery tickets and somehow fits into Sarah Jessica Parker's clothes. And , oh yeah: Her girl friends loooove her, despite the fact they should be green with envy and hate the b*tch by now.
One night at a masquerade ball Ashley has her fortune told and the gypsy woman (La Da Dee, La Da Da) tells her that she shouldn't take her good luck for granted for she may one day lose it. Ashley scoffs and the next thing you know she's kissing a handsome stranger. Unbeknownst to her, the guy she kisses is a shleprock who has the worst luck imaginable (In the movie's ONE funny moment he finds a five dollar bill in the garbage can and picks it up not realizing someone used it to pick up a dog turd and when they kiss their luck switches. Now the guy, whose name is Jake, has great luck and Ashley has what I like to call "f*ck luck".
Jake's mission in life is to sign this really crappy band called MCFLY, who play contiually throughout the movie ad naseum. (They play this one song THREE TIMES! And, oh yeah: The song is not even GOOD!)  Because Jake has The Luck Of The Irish now he signs them and everything is going well for him.
While all this is going on Ashley has been breaking heels of shoes, almost choking, been put in jail, been punched in the face, had taxis splash dirty gutter water on her and such. She pieces together that it all started happening after The Kiss and goes on a search to find the mystery stranger that she had kissed the night of the party. All she knows is he has brown hair so she goes around kissing every dark haired man in New York. When she meets Jake it never dawns on her that HE might be the dark haired stranger. He's the one guy in the movie she DOESN'T kiss.
They become flirty friends until Ashley realizes that he's the mystery kisser. Only now she has fallen in love with him and doesn't know if she should selfishly kiss him and give him the bad luck back.
While all of this is going on Ashley, who has been fired has moved in with her two best friends and now works at a crappy bowling alley as a "handyman" has not-funny mishaps like getting electrocuted while changing lightbulbs while the lights are still on and causing blackouts by putting a hairdryer in a sink full of running water (That's not "bad luck". That's just stupidity!)
The problem with JUST MY LUCK, aside from it being ANOTHER Lindsay Lohan "Switch Movie" and aside from it being a poorly written stupid movie with no truly funny moments, is that Ashley is not really a likable charactor (Jake fares a little better, but really: Not much) and so we don't really give a sh*t if she will get her luck back or not.
I feel unlucky for having wasted an hour and a half of my life watching this junk!
KAZAAM: Groan. There's this bratty twelve year old kid with f*cked up teeth named Max(Played by one of those FREE WILLY kids). His parents are divorced, Mom has a new fireman boyfriend he doesn't like and the bullies in the neighborhood get their jollies tormenting him. He gets a magic boombox radio and one day a seven foot tall black genie played by basketball player Shaquille O'Neal pops out and offfers to grant Max three wishes. Max chooses some pretty stupid wishes. No "world peace" for him. He wishes for stuff like "candy!" How lame. You would think by twelve he'd wanna wish himself into a hot tub full of naked teen cheerleaders. Nope: "candy"!  Since this is a "family film"  Max's REAL wish is for his Mom to get back together with his Dad. The rub here is that Dad is a no-good-nik who sells black market bootleg tapes. As if it wasn't "entertaining" enough watching Shaq walk around in a genie bikini and act, he also raps! Yikes! At the end of the movie young Max is rescued from a burning building by- no, not his father - his Mom's boyfriend the fireman  not such a bad guy after all, and his crumb bum father is hauled of to jail. THIS is a "happy ending"???
KILLJOY: This one is in my Top Ten Worst list. A cheapie Horror film about a black guy dressed as a clown who kills people.Killjoy wants to be like a black, jive-talking Frerddy Krueger.He kills in "unusual" ways and always has a smart-a** remark to deliver after the kill. What could ever come close to the agony of watching in jaw drooping disbelief a masterpiece like KILLJOY? Well, Folks, the answer is simple: Watching the sequel KILLJOY 2! Yikes!
KING KONG (2005): Lord, how I hated this movie. Mere words can not convey. The fact that it was a huge, big budget blockbuster that people ran out to see and that had the critics screaming "I smell an Oscar!" makes me hate it even more.(Et tu, Ebert?)  
First up, this movie is too damn long. Three hours.
Luckily, I fell asleep a little after the two hour mark.
The movie stars, well, a group of people who are totally miscast.
Jack Black, goofball extraordinaire, plays a serious role as a director trying to make a sensational movie.
Adrian Brody, not exactly eye candy, is the romantic attraction for Naomi Watts. At least when she's not making eyes at the monkey.
Naomi Watts is a starving actress who agrees to be in Jack Black's movie only to find herself abducted by natives and thrown in with a giant ape who then falls in love with her and carrys her, flopping around like a ragdoll but seemingly unhurt, around the jungle protecting her from dinosaurs and other things that look like they came straight out of LAND OF THE LOST.
The first hour of the movie is the "set up" and trys to give us "charactor development" by having the cardboard main charactors spouting cliches at one another. It's the time of The Depression and Jack Black wants to make a movie on the ominous Skull Island, where the natives worship a giant mythical beast called Kong. He gets desperate actress Naomi Watts to agree to star in it. He also rounds up a male action hero (Who, surprise surprise, is actually a big wimp), a writer (Adrian Brody) and a few other crew members and puts 'em all on a boat to Skull Island.
Okay, now the second hour starts and we're on Skull Island. And the natives are restless and NOT happy to see our crew. They are coming at them full throttle looking for a fight. They get hold of Naomi Watts and throw her into a giant den with Kong as a sacrafice. Somehow she escapes getting killed and the 25 foot ape is chasing this five foot five gal through the jungle, and somehow NOT stepping on her. They end up making friends with one another when she does her vaudeville act for him which consists of her dancing like an idiot and juggling.(Rolls eyes)  When the big monkey gets out of line our 1930's feminist shouts a stern "No!" and he cuts the crap. They soon become friends after he's saved her from a couple of leftover JURASSIC PARK dinosaurs. Meanwhile, the rest of the crew is having problems of it's own fighting off dinosaurs, man eating bugs and such. FINALLY they get whoever is still alive and get back on the boat. This is around where I fell asleep.
By the way, how did they get the 25 foot ape to New York? Did he fit on the boat? In the first half of the movie there was hardly enough room on that boat for the people!
Third hour: They somehow get Kong to New York and decide to make him a sideshow attraction and exploit him. He's none too pleased.
By the way, how did they get him into the theatre? Or did they just rip out a wall, put Kong in and then rebuild the wall?
Anyway, Kong eventually breaks free and runs amuck in New York City, but you already knew that.  He spots Naomi Watts and falls in love with her all over again. The two even have a scene where they, I couldn't make this stuff up, ice skate in Central Park together. Yup, the gargantuan doesn't actually crack the ice. He's quite graceful! 
A lot of people loved this movie. I call those people "lemmings" and most of them are the same people who pay time and time again to see Tom Cruise movies. I hated this big overblown mess. People are in awe of Naomi Watts's "performance". What performance? She spends most of the movie with her eyes wide and her mouth hanging open. That's acting? I also have to laugh at the people who talk about how great the CGI special effects were. Did Kong look real? Kind of hard for me to judge since I've never actually seen a 25 foot tall ape. He did look a little more real than Naomi Watts though.
And I thought Jessica Lange asking King Kong what his sign was in the '70s version was bad! Ay, caramba!
LAMBADA: The new teacher has a few secrets. One is at night he likes to go night clubbing and do The Lambada and the other is he also likes to teach the lesser priveledged inner city kids. What a guy!
(* There is another sucky "Lambada" themed movie somewhere out there called THE FORBIDDEN DANCE)
THE LAND BEFORE TIME movies: There are about a dozen or so LAND BEFORE TIME videos. As far as I know, they all suck. I have only really seen the first one, which is about a group of lost baby dinosaurs who have names like Cera, Ducky, Petrie and Littlefoot. They are so cute and sweet it will make your teeth hurt. And as if they aren't cloying enough they SING! I anxiously await THE LAND BEFORE TIME XX :THE ICE AGE when these little cutey pies are finally put to rest.
LAST ACTION HERO: Painful movie about a kid who gets a Magic Ticket to the movie of his favorite action hero (Arnold Schwarzenegger) and gets pulled into the film. A mysterious force pulled me out of the theatre.
LEONARD PART 6: Even this film's star, Bill Cosby, warned people not to go see it!
LEPRECAUHN's sequels: How a movie as bad as LEPRECAUHN spawned sequels I'll never know! My "favorite" has to be the Leprecauhn In The Hood one, yo!
LIEBERSTRAUM: Guy discovers town's dirty little secret. Dullsville.
LITTLE MONSTERS: Fred Savage makes fun of little brother Ben Savage who can't sleep at night cuz he says there are monsters under his bed. They switch rooms so that Fred can prove him wrong. Well, guess what: There ARE monsters under the bed. A whole world of monsters. A monster played by Howie Mandell (Trying too hard) takes Fred down there and shows him around and Fred thinks it's totally "cool". Then when the monster comes up to the surface world it teaches Fred how to get even with bullys and woo the girl he likes. This movie is really, really bad. A lot of the scenes in the monster world seem ad-libbed with everyone just trying to act as kooky as possible. Stinkeroo.
LOONEY TOONS: BACK IN ACTION: Mel Blanc, voice of 99 % of the LOONEY TOONS charactors, died a few years ago. The franchise should have died with him. Instead every few years they crank out a modern day LOONEY TOONS project hoping to make a buck. I don't know which is more annoying here: The newly-voiced Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck or the actual live action human stars Jenna Elfman and Brendan Fraser (See that? Brendan Fraser = Bad Movie. Coincidence? I think not! ) The story here is about Brendan Fraser finding out his father, who played a spy in a series of Action films a la James Bond, really IS a spy. So the story mostly concentrates on Fraser and love interest Elfman running around and the LOONY TOONS charactors sort of being secondary charactors. It stinks! This "live action meets animation" formula has worked once and only once: WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT?! Which movie is more painful to sit through: LOONEY TOONS: BACK IN ACTION or SPACE JAM? Tough call!
LOSER: Jason Biggs goes away to college and falls in love with the lovely, although big foreheaded, Mena Suvari. She's too busy shagging one of the professor's to give Jason a tumble. We're supposed to be routing for the nerdy nice guy to get the girl but, ya' know what: I didn't care enough about either of them to care if they ended up together or not!
LOST ANGELS: BEASTIE BOY Ad Rock ends up wrongfully imprisoned in a juvenile detention center that looks like a co-ed Malibu summer camp for wealthy teens. They play volleyball! They have sex in the showers! He laments to counselor Donald Sutherland that he doen't "belong in here".  What's he griping about? He's getting more p*ssy here than he ever got on the outside! The only person in the whole place who really seems in need of help is the girl who likes to rub feces on herself. So Adam hooks up with a cute blonde who used to date his brother and when they get out of the detention center he finds out that her picture perfect world is not as great as he thought it was. She lives in a mansion that her parent's abandoned months ago and yet, they were nice enough to leave the electricty and water on for her. She secretly takes heroine. "Why must life be so hard?" Adam wonders. And once again I find myself wondering "What the Hell is he complaining about???"
LOST IN SPACE: Bad remake of an old TV show, Bill Robinson! Bad remake indeed! Danger! Danger! Stars Kiss Of Death Matt LeBlanc and over-the-top viallain Gary Oldman.
LOST IN TRANSLATION: Bill Murray is a guy on a business trip to Japan who is lonely. He meets very young girl Scarlett Johanson who is traveling with her husband. She's bored. So the two of them start hanging out together. Bill is relieved to find a fellow American because he feels like a fish out of water in Japan. He doesn't understand why the prostitutes like you to beat them up and why the guys at karaoke bars act so "funny". For some reason we're supposed to hope that this married dullard and this other married dullard who is young enough to be his daughter hook up. They don't. But the ending sort of hints that some day they might. This movie was a crashing bore that was nominated for an Oscar! Thankfully, it didn't win. A dream for insomniacs.
LOVE POTION # 9: Tate Donovan and Sandra Bullock are nerdy scientists who stumble across a love potion formula. Now, seeing that I just told you the female scientist is Sandra Bullock, do I even have to tell you that when she takes the glasses off and lets the hair loose she's a total babe? Totally dumb.
LOVE STORY: "Love means never having to say you're sorry". What the f*ck is that? My husband goes out drinking til three in the morning and then doesn't wanna tell me where he was. You don't think I deserve an apology for that bullsh*t? Rich boy of privelege Ryan O'Neil hooks up with foul mouthed, radical b*tch Ali MacGraw only to have her get what is now known as "Ali MacGraw Disease", a movie affliction that is never clearly explained to the audience where the heroine of the film gets to look beautiful through the whole illness and even death. Sappy and poorly written. Every time Ali called Ryan "Preppy" I wanted to reach through the screen and punch her in the mouth. That obnoxious b*tch couldn't die fast enough for me!
LOVERBOY: This teen sex comedy aims low and hits the mark. A teen boy who works at a pizza place realizes that some of the other male employees are gigilos. When a female customer calls and orders "double anchovies" it really means they are looking for a booty call with some young stud. Sooner than later 98 pound weakling Patrick Dempsey finds himself the whore du jour and is horrified when one day his mother (CHARLIE'S ANGEL Kate Jackson) calls and orders "double anchovies"! CHER's boyfriend-for-five-minutes Rob "Bagel Boy" Camiletti intercepts the call and falls madly in love with Ms. Jackson. You would probably think middle aged women who need a teen male prostitute would be old, ugly and out of shape. Nope! The Lover Boy's clientel consists of Kirsitie "CHEERS era" Alley and Carrie "Princess Leia" Fisher! I know guys who STILL wanna bang those two!
MAC AND ME: This movie works in two modes:
One: As an E.T. rip-off and
Two: As an hour and a half hour commercial for MCDONALDS
Just like Elliot, a little boy finds an alien and decides he wants to keep it as a pet. Unlike E.T., who liked REESE'S PIECES and COORS beer, Mac likes to eat MCDONALDS and drink COCA COLA. In fact, there's a full blown production number in MAC AND ME that takes place IN a MCDONALDS! You know a movie is one big shill when it features a cameo appearance from a well known celebrity and that well known celebrity is Ronald McDonald! Shameless. But almost worth seeing just for the embaressingly hokey scene where MCDONALDS gets the Busby Berkely treatment!
MALICIOUS: Don't mess with Molly! After being the America's Sweetheart Teen Sensation "It Girl" for a huge chunk of the '80s, Molly Ringwald outgrew the teen girl roles and decided to go straight for the jugular in MALICIOUS. Here she plays a (Topless!) femme fatale two-night-stand who stalks and all sorts of harasses the dumb jock who screwed her and then refused to call. Doug is a mouth breather college student, in on a baseball scholarship, who has a serious relationship with a prudish, dowdy girl named Laura. One night when Laura's out of town Doug goes to a party and sees a hot dame who looks like an older, sluttier version of Molly Ringwald (Cuz it is!) named Melissa. She flirts with him. He turns her away. She flirts with him some more. He sort of turns her away. She flirts with him some more and they make love in her convertible.With the top down. On the ballfield. In the rain. He realizes the mistake he's made the next day and declares to write her off. But wait: The next day when he goes to school he finds that she's transferred to one of his classes! D'oh! She offers to tutor him and he, being a totally clueless dumba**, accepts. The "tutoring session" takes place on a sailboat. With a big old bottle of wine. You can guess the rest: Melissa ties Doug up, straddles him, whips off her top and humps him but good. Good golly, Miss Molly! After that hot fun in the summertime he goes back to refusing to answer her phone calls and she gets good and pissed and starts harassing him, his Mom and his girlfriend. Even the family pet isn't spared! In a move that mimics the FATAL ATTRACTION rabbit stew scene, Doug's cat is treated none too good. FATAL ATTRACTION is not the only movie rip-offed in MALICIOUS. PLAY MISTY FOR ME gets plagiarized too when Doug's girlfriend goes away to college and finds her new roommate is....well, I don't wanna ruin any "surprises" for you. You've seen this Mistress From Hell thing done many times before and done better. Another problem MALICIOUS has is you can't route for any of the charactors. Doug is such a half-wit dullard that you can't believe that Melissa, Laurie or anybody else could ever be this crazy about him. Laura is a simpering wimp who shrugs off Doug's crap no matter what bullsh*t he pulls so you can't route for her either. And, since you can never fully put it out of your mind that you're watching Molly Ringwald Gone Bad, you can never fully buy into the Melissa charactor either.
MARY REILLEY: The Dr Jeckyl and Mr Hyde story told through the eyes of Dr Jeckyl's chambermaid, Mary Reilley. The scary thing about this flick was Julia Roberts sporting do-it-yourself bangs and no make up. Eeek! (Proves that when a really attrractive actress wants to be taken seriously or get noiminated for an Oscar she will appear in a movie without make up. Oooooh, "gritty"!  See Julia Roberts in MARY REILLEY, Jennifer Aniston in THE GOOD GIRL, Halle Berry in MONSTER'S BALL and Charlize Theron in MONSTER)
THE MATRIX: Oh, f*ck you. It was a terrible movie and I offer a cookie to any good soul who can explain it to me. I really WANTED to like this movie because Keanu Reeve's is a bit o' honey, but, man, was it friggin' confusing. Headache inducing even! Keanu is a computer hacker named Thomas Anderson who realizes that, no wait: He's a guy named Neo from 200 years into the future. Computers have created a "fake" 20th Century to cover up that they are really drawing power from mankind. Got that? No. Me either. Ah, well. This has a legion of fans and has spawned a few sequels but as for me I calls 'em as I sees 'em: THE MATRIX is shite!
MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE: The only praise I can give this dopey "machines are coming alive" flick is that AC-DC figures prominently on the soundtrack. Aside from that: Somehow machines, everything from soda machines and hairdryers to trucks, are coming to angry "life" and killing off man.
MAX KEEBLE'S BIG MOVIE: Disney flick with a bunch of generic pre-teens. One thinks he's moving tomorrow so he goes about "raising Hell" today, only to find out, Oooops: He's not moving after all.
MEATBALLS: Totally over-rated dum-dum camp flick starring Bill Murray as a counselor watching over a bunch of cretin kids.
MEATBALLS 2: Even worse sequel in which kids find a "Jewish alien".
MEATBALLS 4: Hit the deck! This time Corey Feldman's aboard!
MEN IN BLACK: Painful to watch, hip flick starring Kiss Of Death Wil Smith. The only thing worse than this movie is the theme song, a rip-off on PATRICE RUSHTON's Send Me Forget Me Nots.
METALSTORM: When we were kids in the '80s we were hungry for the technology that was called the "3-D movie". The thought of wearing cardboard glasses and sitting in a dark room while stuff "popped out" at us was thrilling. We would sit through just about anything as long as it was in 3-D. No matter how bad it was! METALSTORM was the proof of that. It was futuristic mumbo jumo bullsh*t. But it was in 3-D! No matter how many people went to this movie and came back with terrible reviews by the end of the month every kid in my class had sat through METALSTORM at least once! It was all we had: METALSTORM and JAWS 3 in 3-D!
THE MEXICAN: Pap starring America's Sweethearts Julia Roberts and Brad Pitt. They "fight cute". Over and over again ad nausea.
MIRROR MIRROR 2- RAVEN DANCE: MIRROR MIRROR was two steps away from being a halfway decent Grade B Horror flick. It had a Winona Ryder-ish Rainbow Harvest as a troubled goth teen who, through the powers of an evil magic mirror she finds in her new house, wreaks revenge on the popular kids in school who have made her life a living Hell. It's CARRIE with a mirror! MIRROR MIRROR 2 is a dud of a sequel to a movie that wasn't all that great to begin with. It stars "the daughter from MR BELVEDERE" Tracy Wells as an orphaned girl who is an aspiring dancer. She and her younger, mentally slow, musician brother have moved into the nunnery to be cared for. In the nunnery there is a room with a big covered mirror in it. The same mirror from MIRROR MIRROR. Of course the mirror is evil and of course the teen girl becomes "friends" with it. Terrible things happen. She's struck ill! She's struck temporarily blind! But worst of all (Gasp!) she's suddenly  overcome with impure thoughts!  All the while her stepsister and a crooked doctor are conspiring to worsen her condition so that they can be passed her inheritance. Add to the mix of misery the mysterious man named Christian that the girl sees from time to time played by Mark Ruffalo (Hey, we all gotta start somewhere, eh, Mark?) Is he real? Is he a vision? Is he an angel? Or is he evil? Do we really care? Of course not! Supposedly there is also a MIRROR MIRROR 3 and a MIRROR MIRROR 4 out there somewhere. No thanks. I'll pass. Fool me once....
MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 1 & 2: More big budget Tom Cruise crap!
MONEY TALKS: Straight man Charlie Sheen is saddled with the unfunniest black man who ever lived, Chris Tucker. Chris's idea of being funny is talking really fast and hitting people with lines like this one he hits sexy Heather Locklear with "You're phat! Pretty, hot and tempting!"
MONSTER'S BALL: Ghastly movie starring Oscar winner Halle Berry (Why did she win an Oscar? Because she doesn't wear make up?) and Billy Bob Thorton. Halle's death row inmate husband has just been executed. Unknown to her, new friend and soon to be (Shudder) lover Billy Bob was the guy who hit the switch. Now the poor widow is left with a big, fat, annoying kid who is always sneaking candy. She loves her son dearly when she's not too busy smacking him down for cheating on his diet. Soon she's faced with the prospect of sleeping with "a little something for the ladies" (???) Billy Bob Thorton.  (Don't you love Equal Oppurtunity Sex Scenes where the guys in the audience get to ogle Halle Berry and we women get to ogle Billy Bob Thorton who I wouldn't wanna see naked ever even if I just drank a LOT of Wild Turkey!?) The sex scene here is supposed to be very graphic. As far as I remember they don't show the monster's balls.They do show Halle's berries though.
MOULIN ROUGE!: Stupefyingly bad hit movie that I had to turn off after the first fifteen minutes. The sight of  charactor's in 1900 France marching on stage and singing NIRVANA's Smells Like Teen Spirit made me hold my nose and run out of the room. What a stinker.
MR MAGOO: Terrible live action tale of legally blind cartoon charactor Mr Magoo, here portrayed by Leslie Neilson. Bumbling Magoo runs afoul some jewel theives and ruins their heist. And my day.
MURDER SET PIECES: I gotta say that I was sorely disappointed after watching the movie that some tote as "The sickest Horror movie ever made", MURDER SET PIECES. I don't know why, as the film delivered what it promised: Lots of blood, sex, gore and violence. But something was lacking here. Ah yes: Originality.
The story is about a killer known as The Photographer. He is a big German guy who works out and talks in a thick German accent. You will not be able to stop yourself from thinking of Arnold Schwarzenegger!
The Photographer, named so because he is a professional photographer by trade, takes pictures of sexy chicks and then rapes them, yells at them in German and then tortures and murders them most foul. He only kills women. Make that sexy women. Slender, sexy women. No fat chicks. So far no one has pieced together that every single woman who has modeled for this guy has been missing in action ever since and is now being featured on the back of milk cartons.
The reason he kills is, surprise surprise, his mother was a prostitute. Therefore he sees women as "whores". Like we haven't already seen THAT used as motivation in a hundred Horror movies!
The Photographer has a bubblehead girlfriend who he has never been intimate with. The reason being that if he f*cks you he then has to kill you. He wants to keep her around for awhile.
She has a ten year old sister who just KNOWS the guy is trouble and starts sleuthing around for proof.
The two sisters go to the guy's house for dinner one night where he serves them up bloody mystery meat. During this scene you will find yourself wondering how the older sister is totally oblivious to the fact this guy is a total psycho and, even if he wasn't, what could she possibly see in him anyway? He is one nasty f*ck. A real sour Kraut!
So little sister excuses herself afrom the table and starts to snoop around. She comes across a straight razor and a photo of some of The Photographer's nazi ancestors. My husband, who was watching this swill with me, asked me if because The Photographer was a nazi did that mean that he only killed Jewish girls? I said I didn't think so. He asked me why I didn't think so and I said "How would he KNOW they were Jewish?" and my husband said "He could ask them"
I didn't buy that and therefore I don't believe that being a Jew hater was this guy's motivation. The sick f*ck just likes to kill hot, naked chicks, okay? Jews, gentiles, Mormons, long as they're hot and naked, doesn't matter.
BUT as much as this guy reportedly hates hot, naked chicks where do you think he hangs out? Yup! In strip clubs! What a hypocrite! What an instigator!
He picks up strippers, prostitutes and women with loose morals and gets 'em home, screws 'em and chops 'em up. Sometimes he eats the pieces, sometimes he doesn't. Sometimes he drives around town with the heads, sometimes he doesn't. There's no real method to his madness.
In one scene, that made little or no sense, he goes into a porn shop run by the Candyman himself, Tony Todd (Why, Tony, why?) and asks for a snuff film (Name-dropping the title of one of the director's past crappy films). Tony Todd tells him they don't sell snuff films and goes to through him out. Just then a bunch of robbers bust into the store and rob the place at gunpoint. The Photographer "saves the day" by killing the robbers. But wait: THEN he turns the gun on Tony Todd! A goth chick witnesses the whole thing but he lets her live. Why? I don't know why. Maybe she wasn't hot enough for him to drag off, f*ck and kill.
This guy doesn't seem to worry about witnesses or leaving fingerprints or DNA lying around at the crime scenes. In one of the films most disturbing scenes he kills a ten year old girl in a playground bathroom and then dumps the body in plain sight in broad daylight. I thought this guy's motif was he killed "whores". this ten year old girl was a "whore"? That made me mad.
Another upsetting scene involves a baby crying at it's bloody mama. This scene will make you wonder who the Parents Of The Year who agreed to let their baby be in this movie were.
The Photographer has a secret dungeon in his house (Don't we all?) where he keeps dead bodies, skulls, teeth, weapons etc. The neighbors never hear the blood-curdling screams or complain about the stench of death. Go figure. My neighbors complain when I play MOTLEY CRUE after ten o'clock.
I'm not the world's biggest feminist but something about MURDER SET PIECES just rubbed me the wrong way. I must be getting tired of the old horror double standard that states that a woman who enjoys sex is a whore who deserves to die and that the male/ the killer can f*ck whoever he wants and suffer no consequences.
Probably the most disgusting thing about MURDER SET PIECES is the fact The Killer never recieves his comeuppance and does indeed suffer no consequences.
Rent the old school giggle-filled hack 'em up PIECES instead.
MY FAVORITE MARTIAN: Christopher Lloyd is weird uncle from another planet who moves in with Jeff Daniels. I'm convinced Jeff Daniels is one of those people who will do any movie they hand him a script for.
NAKED LUNCH: Gross and weird movie about an exterminator who starts taking hits of his own poison and starts hallucinating huge talking cockroaches. My husband says I don't like this film cuz I don't like roaches. I also don't like stupid movies that don't make much sense!
NATIONAL LAMPOON'S VAN WILDER: Really bad wanna-be ANIMAL HOUSE about a grown man so in love with the college experience that he never plans to leave. His misadventures include getting a foriegn roommate laid (And torched) and jerking off a dog with huge balls to make "filling" for eclairs he feeds to his jock enemys. Bimbo airhead Tara Reid holds a pencil and trys to look intelligent while gazing at this jerk starry-eyed.
NEVER TOO YOUNG TO DIE: The next big action hero, John "Uncle Jessie" Stamos is out to stop crazy hemaphrodite Gene Simmons (In full drag!) from destroying the world. His partner is his father's old mistress, VANITY, who walks around in a bikini causing Stamos to pant and get sexually frustrated. And, yes, I did really rent this piece of crap just so I could see Gene Simmons in a dress!
NEWSIES: Big budget bomb about poor New York newsboys who strike to get their penny raise from Pullitzer. They sing and dance and are befriended by a dance hall prostitute (?) played by Ann Margaret. The movie's only strange allure is wondering what this fifty year old whore is doing with these twelve year old newspaper boys when the lights go down.
THE NEXT BEST THING: Long in the tooth MADONNA is a yoga instructor with a gay, male best friend (Rupert Everett). One day they get drunk and somehow end up having sex. She gets pregnant and since neither of them has much going on they decide to have the baby. They raise the kid as unconventional parents until MADONNA meets Benjamin Bratt (See that? Another bad movie!) and falls in love with him and wants to make him "Daddy". A crashing bore of a movie.WIll someone please stop allowing MADONNA to make vanity projects?

THE NEW KARATE KID: Once Ralph Macchio started receiving Social Security checks they decided to have Hillary Swank (Porn name!) step up the plate. The big surprise here is that the "new karate kid" is a girl! She's a loner who likes to climb to the top of a building to visit a wounded bird. When the mean kids mess with her and her bird she gets training from still spry Mr Miyagi and learns to kick butt! Hillary Swank has since won Oscars. But not for piffle like this.
THE NIGHT BEFORE: AFTER HOURS for the teeny-bopper set. Popular, pretty girl Lori McLoughlin loses a bet and her "punishment" is having to go to the prom with "nerd" Keanu Reeves. Ummmmm....Okay. What part of Heaven are you living in that "punishment" is having to go on a date with Keanu Reeves? If he's the class "dork" what do the "cool guys" look like? (Extra anchovies, Keanu! Extra anchovies!) He takes her to the prom, gets slipped a mickey and then has no recollection of what happened the next day when he wakes up in the gutter. Oh yeah, that's right, He sold her to a pimp and now she's a ho. Tee hee hee. Don't you just love After School Specials?
NEW YORK MINUTE: Stepford Twins The Olsen's play "twins who are nothing alike". Ashley is a college bound yuppie and Mary Kate is a grungy poser in a METALLICA t-shirt (Name three songs by them, Mary Kate!) who is a drummer  in a band. They cut school one day to go to the city for a Rock show. Mary Kate is being tracked by angy principal Eugene Levy who is channeling Mr Rooney from FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF. Somehow, after breaking into someone else's swanky New York City hotel suite, they steal an expensive so-ugly-it's-cute dog that has swallowed white-man-with-a-Chinese-accent(???) Andy Richter's computer chip. They also, naturally, meet two cute guys that they will or won't (All signs point to "will") eventually hook up with. All this and a cameo from OZZY's son Jack Osbourne as one last desperate plea for us to have some faith in Mary Kate's street cred as a metalhead. Please just make the Olsen twins go away already!
THE NEW ADVENTURES OF PIPPI LONGSTOCKING: My mother used to read me PIPI LONGSTOCKING books when I was a child. I remember liking them. So why is it that in every movie I see based on Pippi Longstocking she is an ugly, overbearing, obnoxious kid who I wanna beat down? This Pippi is no exception. One day the two kids next door are left alone when their parents go to a party (Hello, Social Services?) and they notice a light is on in the long empty house next door. It's Pippi, her horse and her monkey who somehow all made it through a ship wreck and are now living in Pippi's childhood home sans parents. The kids get to know eachother over pancake fights and cleaning the floors with scrub brushes on their feet. The children's father worrys about that "bad" Pippi kid but the mother thinks she's just delightful. And living without parental guidance. How cute! There are crooks who wanna break in and steal Pippi's pirate booty and Elaine Brennan as a harridan who runs the local orphanage who wants to haul Pippi in and, oh yeah, a strange charactor played by Dick Van Patten who is known as "The Glue Man". Maybe Pippi has a problem with inhalents. It would explain a lot.
NIGHT IN THE LIFE OF JIMMY REARDON: Hugely disappointing little nothing of a  movie. Rumor has it that even the star, River Phoenix, later regretted being in this film. The tale is of a young lad named Jimmy Reardon. He lost his virginity to one of Mom's Mrs. Robinson-like friends a few years ago and now he spends his days in a neverending quest for meaningless, casual sex. So Jimmy Reardon goes around sleeping with who he can, when he can, all the while pining for the one girl who WONT sleep with him, Lisa (Meredith Salenger). Jimmy makes her sick. And it's no surprise because not only does Jimmy bang everything he can get his hands on and write really bad poetry he also has no great ambitions in life, except, of course, for banging everything he can get his hands on and writing really bad poetry.  And that's a shame because all his friends have just graduated high school and are now off to college. Jimmy doesn't quite know what he wants to do, aside from Lisa. The problem with the "hero" of this movie is he's not a very likable guy. He's sort of an arrogant a**hole, at the beginning of the film, all through the middle and even at the end. How can we possibly route for such a jerk?
NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 2: I saw this movie a few times without realizing it has a gay undercurrent that runs through it. I always knew it wasn't up to par with the original NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET and that the only really cool part was when a guy is making out with a girl and his huge, gnarly, nasty tongue comes rolling out. But until I went on the IMDB message boards I had no idea the movie was so, well, fruity! The new boy in the neighborhood Jessie is moving into the house that was once owned by NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET's Nancy. He is putting stuff away in his new room (Check out the box in the top of his closet that is marked "Probe"!) and dancing to an '80s pop song, slamming dresser drawers shut with his heiney. When the cute Meryl Streep-ish neighbor girl stops by for an un-announced visit his toy gun pops it's cork.(Metaphor?) Together they find Nancy's diary in the closet and think that the "visitor that comes for Nancy in the night" is a lover, not a razor-fingered maniac. Throughout the whole movie the attractive neighbor girl pines for the lad but he's more interested in wrestling his guy friend out of his sweatpants during football skirmishes.He also has a  late night sleepwalk visit to the neighborhood leather bar where he runs into the sadistic gay gym teacher. All the while the girl is convinced that her loving him can "save" him from this terrible fate, being taken over by Freddy Krueger, which some say is just a metaphor for the boy being taken over by his blatent homosexuality. Watch this film through new eyes and see if you agree that it's as gay as Christopher Street. Some people see it, some don't and some gay people throw up their hands in disgust and cry "Well, I never!"  At the very least this movie is good for a few laughs: Check out the crazy pet bird that flaps around the living room getting swatted at by freaking out family members before exploding into flames. Guffaw!
976-EVIL: FRIGHT NIGHT's "Evil Ed" Stephen Geoffrey's turned down FRIGHT NIGHT 2 to make this nothin' special Horror flick about a put-upon nerd who calls a "horror scope" number and learns how to get revenge on those who done him wrong. Cheap and cheesy at every turn. I still don't understand the flying fish.
NORTH: Little kid (Elijah Wood) divorces his parents (SEINFELD alum Julia Louis Dreyfuss and Jason Alexander) and goes to live with families all over the world portrayed by a slew of celebritys. In the end he finds out that "there's no place like home" and comes back. An infamous dud.
ODD COUPLE II: Oscar and Felix are forced together by the upcoming nuptuals of their daughter and son. Similar to GRUMPIER OLD MEN, only that film was funny.
ODE TO BILLY JOE: Southern story of puppy love. Young teen girl  Bobbie Lee's Papa won't allow her to date. She is doggedly pursued by childhood friend Billy Joe McAllistar to please, please, please let him come courtin' for her. The two frolic and go swimming together and such but their Sunday mornings together never result in the hardcore heavy petting that Billy Joe is looking for. Even when he uses sweet talk such as telling her he can smell her "scent" (!) she still turns him away. She ain't ready for such things yet but, don't worry, when she is Billy Joe will be the first to know. She asks her Papa if she can date Billy Joe and Papa explains that she can't start dating until he's done installing the indoor toilet! The day Papa brings home the toilet Bobbie Lee drops to her knees and hugs it! This means she can date! And sh*t in the house! A fair comes to town and the men folk get all drunk and rowdy and end up in the hall of ill repute. All Billy Joe's friends are getting laid left and right by prostitutes but Billy Joe doesn't look like he's up to the task. In fact, he looks like he's gonna throw up. The next day over breakfast Bobbie Lee's brother is telling the family the latest gossip: It seems one of the whores got beat up pretty bad last night. (How would YOU know, son?) And, by the way, "no one has seen Billy Joe in awhile". After not seeing Billy Joe for a few days the girl starts to suspect the worst: That maybe he was the one who beat up the prostitute. One day she takes a walk with her childhood doll (!) and Billy Joe pops out of the bushes. She asks him where he's been and he can't bring himself to tell her. She asks if he was the one who beat up the whore and he says "No". She says "What a relief!" and starts trying to make out with him. Billy Joe turns her away. She gets mad that now that she's finally ready to "give up the ghost" Billy Joe is not taking advantage of her. Billy Joe finally brings himself to confess his terrible deed: He got drunk the night of the fair. And he lost his virginity. To a man. Bobbie Lee is shocked but thinks that together they can overcome this. Billy Joe says they probably can't. This is who he is. He knocks her childhood doll off the Tallahasee bridge by accident and then runs off. The next day rumor has it that they found Billy Joe's dead body in the waters under the Tallahasse bridge. No one knows why he killed himself but the last anyone saw of him he was up on the bridge with a girl (Bobbie Lee) throwing something in. Bobbie Lee decides to leave town and let the town assume she was pregnant with Billy Joe's baby and left out of shame. This will save Billy Joe's good name and spare the town from ever finding out the horrible truth: That Billy Joe slept with Roscoe from THE DUKES OF HAZARD!
This movie was based on a popular song that many believe is about unwed teens who throw their aborted baby off the bridge. How this got turned into a cautionary tale about how if a teen girl doesn't have sex with her boyfriend the boyfriend will go gay and kill himself I'll never know. ODE TO BILLY JOE is almost a so-bad-it's-good guilty pleasure because it's got buckets of Southern fried corn pone dialogue to spare. My favorite part is when Billy Joe (Robby Benson) tells Bobbie Lee "Please inform your papa that I am coming to call. I would appreciate some iced tea as befits a gentleman caller"!  Well, I do declare!
OFFSPRING: Horror legend Vincent Price sits this one out. He sits behind a desk in a library and tells the town's newcomer about the horrors that abound in this quaint little town.
A man takes a female co-worker to dinner, gets fresh on the car ride home, accidentally kills her, breaks into the funeral home to rape her dead body (!) and nine months after she's buried her evil monster baby digs itself out and goes looking for "Daddy".
A man left for dead is brought back to life by a strange voodoo practitioner who has been alive for hundreds of years because he knows the secret of immortality. The guy steals the secret formula and the other guy beats and maims him beyond recognition knowing that now no matter how bad this guy gets f*cked up he can't die and he will now live throughout eternity suffering.
A carnival freak show is torn asunder when one of the freaks falls in love.
Civil War soldiers stumble upon a camp of forgotten children who then kill them and eat them.
If any of these stories sounds like it might be good DON'T YOU BELIEVE IT!
ONCE BITTEN: Jim Carrey is a teen who can't get laid. A few of his friends go to a pick up club one night and older woman Lauren Hutton hooks up with Jim. She is a vampire and needs virgin blood. So she seduces Jim and turns him into a vampire. His uptight, virginal high school sweetheart is furious!
ORGY OF THE DEAD: This fairly plotless "gem" is written by Ed Wood. Was I surprised to find out Ed Wood was the brains behind this? Not really. At this point I swear he was deliberately making 'em as bad as possible. In ORGY OF THE DEAD John and Shirley's car gets in an accident in a cemetary. They are tied to stakes by a wolf man and a mummy and made to watch a burlesque strip show featuring dancing dead girls that is being emceed by The Amazing Criswell. The movie is not scary at all. Heck! It's not sexy at all either despite the fact there are a lot of topless women stumbling around! My favorite part is watching Shirley scream in "fear". Other memorable scenes include the girl hoofing to The Alley Cat while dressed like a cat and a girl getting dipped in gold a la GOLDFINGER. (I think I smell a lawsuit!)
What's left to say except "More gold!"
OSCAR: Sylvester Stallone does comedy and it ain't very graceful.Marissa Tomei is in this too. I'm embaressed for both of them.
THE OTHERS: Dull, dreary Horror movie that's shocks are all well hidden in the last ten minutes of the film. When her soldier husband fails to come home from the war mother Nicole Kidman takes her two very pale kids to a huge mansion where she instructs the help on specific rules they must follow to keep the house as dark as possible because the children have a rare disease and can't be in sunlight. A crashing bore. Has a "twist ending" but by then so what? Rent THE SIXTH SENSE or THE OTHER instead.
OVEREXPOSED: This one is a few chuckels shy of being so-bad-it's good. day it will eek on to my Cult Classics list. For now I am filing this naughty sex romp cum suspense mystery as a Clinker.
The story revolves around a soap star played by Catherine Oxenberg. She is plagued by two dilemmas:
Dilemma One is that she has freakish nightmares about a terrible childhood experience she had as a young girl at one of her birthday parties: One of the other little girls was playing around with one of the candles on her cake, her hair caught fire and, in a scene that is unintentionally funny, she burst into flames. Everyone screamed in horror., nobody tryed to put out the flames (Stop, drop and roll, Little Girl!)
Dilemme Two' is that she has a stalker who is leaving pictures of our heroine pinned on her front door with a butcher knife.
Hmmmmmm....Could the two dilemmas somehow be related?!
Well, anyway, this movie has some howler scenes like the comical ode to Dario Argento's DEEP RED, where our heroine thinks The Killer is in her house only to find out that it's actually a walking, talking doll (Made to look "just like her"!). She tells the doll that it's ugly and then "kills" it in her bathtub (!) and a scene where someone thinks they are putting on coldcream, only to find out that the stuff they are smearing all over their face is flesh-eating acid (Yowza!).
So who is The Killer? Is it the boyfriend? Is it the hot, new drifter neighbor guy? Is it hot, new drifter guy's dog? Is  it religious zealot Karen Black? Is it a bitter woman who was once a little girl who got torched by a birthday cake candle and now looks like a cross between Freddy Krueger and one of those chicks from ALIEN NATION when she doesn't have any make-up on and talks, talks, talks like a Bond Villain when she finally gets our woman-in-peril alone? (Ooop, I've said too much: Maybe I should have put the word SPOILER  before that last sentance!)
PAGEMASTER: Macauley Culkin gets sucked into a book where he has a not-so- thrilling "adventure" with charactors you won't remember five minutes from now. Rent THE NEVERENDING STORY instead.
PANDEMONIUM: "High school murderer on the loose" parody starts out promising with a "Hurray for Vegetables" cheerleading squad, wearing vegetable costumes, getting turned into a human shish-ke-bob when someone throws a javelin through them. After that it all goes downhill. Totally unfunny. Rent STUDENT BODIES instead.
PARTY GIRL: Parker Posey throws partys for a living. She decides it's time to grow up. She gets a job at the library where her aunt works. After hours she throws partys in the library.The jig is up when her aunt finds a condom wrapper. Believe it or not, this crappy movie spawned a crappy TV show.
THE PATRIOT: Terrible Steven Segal movie (Is there any other kind?) that shares it's title with a popular Mel Gibson movie. When Mel's THE PATRIOT came out cable stations rushed to put THIS version on hoping people would tune in by accident. Armed with the knowledge that it's a Steven Segal movie do I even have to tell you something ticks him off and he goes around beating people up?  By this time Segal was looking bloated and paunchy and started trying to hide his new, fatter figure under big trench coats. Who did he think he was fooling?
PCU: Terminally stupid comedy about a politically correct school and the fun lovin', non-P.C. bafoons who just wanna have fun. The one witty gag has having to listen to STARLAND VOCAL BAND's Afternoon Delight over and over again being used as a method of torture!
PEOPLE I KNOW: Al Pacino and his unnconvinging Huckleberry Hound accent as a washed up New York press agent.
PERFECT: John Travolta is a ROLLING STONE reporter doing an expose on "Health Clubs: The New Singles Bars". Posing as a regular guy at the gym he meets, and eventually hooks up with, buff aerobics instructor Jamie Lee Curtis. Plenty of footage of Jamie Lee running around in leotards and Johnny running around in short shorts. Soon after they consumate their love (While gab, gab, gabbing mercilessly) Jamie Lee catches wise that he's a reporter whose about to give her gym an unfavorable review. She gets so mad she calls him "a sphincter"! (And,no, I'm not editing it. She really does call him a "sphincter"!)
THE PEST: Terminally unfunny movie starring John Leguizamo, who can be funny, just not here.
PET SEMETARY II: Edward Furlong's mother dies and he burys her in the pet cemetary unaware that the dead rise from there with evil intent. Really unneccesary sequel is nowhere as good as the original.
THE PICK UP ARTIST: Robert Downey Jr sees Molly Ringwald walking down the street and decides he really has to tap that a**. This should be easy, cuz he's a real chick magnet (See title). But this chick sees right through him. He does win her affections eventually by helping her father get out of trouble with the mob.
PIGLET'S BIG MOVIE: Winnie The Pooh's faithful companion Piglet is cute and short. Unfourtanetly, his movie isn't.  It's long and boring and overly cutsey. There is a good segment towards the end when Piglet sees a montage of himself as a hero but I wouldn't recommend sitting through the other seventy minutes of molasses to get to that. PIGLET'S BIG MOVIE is about as exciting as watching grass grow.
PITCH BLACK: Sci-Fi flicks like PITCH BLACK have their audience and I'm not it. I would guess their audience is the type who like to watch ALIEN clones. Well, truth be known, I didn't even like ALIEN that much. There: I said it. Totally over-rated. But we'll talk about ALIEN some other time.
Let's discuss PITCH BLACK, a movie I rented thinking it was a Horror movie at a time when I had no idea what a "Vin Diesel" was. There's this group of people / aliens on a spaceship that gets f*cked up going warp speed through a meteor shower. It crash lands. Some live, some die. One of the survivors is Riddick (Vin Diesel) a cock diesel (Pun intended) prisoner who was on the ship being transported to the only prison that can hold a big, buff , bad-a** like him. Everyone is afraid of Riddick, who is a nasty son-of-a-b*tch with white evil eyes that can see in the dark real well. But as much of a scary b*stard Riddick is, he's the least of their problems. The planet they land on has a sun that blazes 24-7 and because of this it's hotter than Hell! This, of course, means they have to scrounge to find some food and water and some shelter from the blazing heat. It's at times like this when you find yourself saying "Geez, it's hot. What could be worse than this?" and one of your smart a** friends shoots back "What's worse: Being really hot or really cold?" and then you argue over the answer. This is the plot device of PITCH BLACK. We saw how hellish the full blasting sun can be. Now let's explore the other side of the coin! This planet has a period where because of the planets' allignment (Or something) the sun gets totally eclipsed and everything gets dark. And cold. Now our little group is submerged in total darkness. So now it's pitch black dark and pretty freakin' cold. This sucks! What could be worse than this? Oh, did I mention this is where the ALIEN-like monsters come out and attack? No one can see them, or anything else for that matter, but Riddick, who has the boss MARILYN MANSON white contact lenses! Remember how Riddick started this jammy as the villain? Well, now because he is the only one who can see anything he's the hero! See how these things work? I pass. And while we're on the subject.................
Any movie that is an ALIEN knock-off: A bunch of people are in a spaceship. Something goes terribly wrong. They stop their bickering and realize they have to work together to remedy the situation. Right about now is when we find out there's a terrible alien or some other kind of monster and it's gotten aboard the ship! Usually at least one crew member we assumed was perfectly fine either starts going mad, getting really sick or just plum has an alien burst out of a part of their body. Someone, and it's usually the person we least expect to grow balls, watches enough of the crew disappear to get good and mad, decide enough is enough and become the kick-a** hero who gives the aliens a run for their money. (Think Ripley). Nine out of ten times the film ends in a way that leaves it wide open for a sequel.
Critcs, friends and just about everybody else raves over ALIEN. This movie did not scare me at all. It was long and boring and a lot of time lapses farting around in space before we even KNOW there are aliens. People say it's worth sitting through the boring parts to get to the nitty gritty alien parts. When I actually did see the aliens (And my butt was numb by then) I was not scared by them. This film probably doesn't work for me because I really don't see myself ever getting in a situation where I will ever be lost in space or face to face with an alien. ( Now when I go downstairs to my basement to do laundry do I REALLY think Freddy Krueger is gonna come out from the boiler and attack me? Hell yeah!)
ALIEN is totally over-rated, it's sequels just get worse and worse as they come out and don't even get me started on the wanna-be ALIEN clones, the worst of which is GALAXY OF TERROR.
PLANET OF THE APES (2001): I don't think we really needed a PLANET OF THE APES re-make. How you gonna top Charlton Heston in a loin cloth (Row!), brilliant dialogue like "Take your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape!"and a "twist  ending" years before THE SIXTH SENSE made "twist endings"  popular: This movie was pretty much perfect as is. Know when to leave well enough alone! But, nope, they had to have a re-make with crappy actor Marky Mark Wahlberg. They even had the audacity to "tinker" with the now classic ending! Keep your hands off our old school Cult Classic film heritage, Tim Burton, you damned dirty ape!
PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE: Ed Wood made a lot of bad movies.(Understatement of the year!)  PLAN 9 is probably his most famous, most infamous and best beloved. It's a poorly made movie that is rumored to be "So-bad-it's-good'. I watched it and I didnt't find it bad on an enjoyable level. Just bad! Really, really bad! Maybe it's because I was sober. Or maybe it's because I watched it alone and not with snarky heckler Karl. For whatever reason, it didn't work for me like such trash Wood epic's like GLEN OR GLENDA, the movie about the horrors of cross-dressing ("Be-vare!").  PLAN 9 is a hodgepodge of ideas thrown together such as space ships (Made of either hubcaps or pie plates, depending on who you ask), abstract footage of Bela Lugosi (Who died during filming and had to be replaced by a younger, taller man holding a cape over his face) and the dead rising and walking from their graves. This movie has a Cult Classic status and a legion of fans but I ain't one of 'em!
PLAYING FOR KEEPS: Dumb '80s flick about teens (And I mean that in the worst possible way) who try to fix up and run an old run down hotel. The small town folk are aghast when they mistake the claim "MTV in every room" for "LSD in every room". Look fast for cameo by then-unknown Marisa Tomei. Clever exchanges abound such as this one between a brother and sister :
Brother: (Looking in the fridge) Marie. Where is all the food?
Sister: I gave it to the poor.
Brother: MA-RIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
POINT BREAK: I must have rented this cuz I wanted to look at Keanu Reeves for two hours. About half-way through I wanted to gauge my own eyes out. There's a series of robberies being done by a bunch of guys in rubber masks of past USA presidents. To get to the bottom of this "Hey Dude" FBI agent Keanu Reeves is sent undercover to go surfing with Patrick Swayze and maybe find something out. Dumb, dumb, dumb movie.
POLICE ACADEMY 5: ASSIGNMENT MIAMI BEACH: Let's face it: All the POLICE ACADEMY movies are pretty bad. And I avoid them at all cost. But one day I was watching an interview with MOTLEY CRUE frontman Vince Neil and he was plugging the fact that he was going to have a cameo in POLICE ACADEMY 5. They even showed scenes of Vince's scene being shot. So I rented it when it came out on video against better judgement. Well, lo and behold, guess what: All of Vince's shots had been removed and left on the cutting room floor! Ack! I want my three dollars back!
THE POMPATUS OF LOVE: This is like a male version of a "chick flick". In a "chick flick" a bunch of women sit around and talk and talk and talk. In this film a bunch of guys do it. (One of them is Jon Cryer. Yes. "Ducky"!). What exactly do they talk about? Well, using the title of the movie as an example, they disect, in great detail, the STEVE MILLER BAND song The Joker and wonder aloud what the hell a "pompatus" is. After all, Steve Miller sings of the "pompatus of love"! They wanna know what it is! I hold in my hand a big red book. It is called RANDOM HOUSE WEBSTER'S COLLEGE DICTIONARY. The word "pompador" is in it (Big hair). The word "pompano" is in it (A food fish). The word "Pompano Beach" is in it (A city in Florida). The word "Pompeii" is in it (Ancient city of Italy). Nope. No "pompatus". I just told you that in less than two minutes. It didn't take me no two hours, Ducky!
PORKYS II: THE NEXT DAY: The phrase "The Next Day" always makes me think of a hang-over. You had your fun, maybe even did some embaressing things you'd rather forget and now you're not looking too good, feeling too great and nobody's laughing anymore. PORKYS II is the same way. While PORKYS had it's laughs and moments of raucous fun THE NEXT DAY is a sad, soggy "re-hash", and not all that much related to the first PORKYS at all. From what I hear third part PORKYS REVENGE is supposed to be even worse!
PRACTICAL MAGIC: Two cute, modern day witch sister's played by Sandra Bullock and Nicole Kidman have a hex put on them that any man they get romantically involved with will be doomed. Doomed, I say! So they try not to get too involved with anyone, instead opting to stay home and drink margaritas with their old spinster aunts and sing that annoying "You Put The Lime In The Coconut" song. I say Oh No! Sooner than later sexy Aidan Quinn shows up and Bullock finds the temptation too much to bare. I say "Screw him and to Hell with the consequences!"
THE PRINCESS ACADEMY: Bottom of the barrel, low brow "Comedy" about a Princess Academy run by none other than that epitome of ladylike class cop slapper Zsa Zsa Gabor. Comic "highlights" include someone getting trapped in an overturned outhouse and someone getting itching powder sprinkled on their tampons as a prank. Ho ho ho!
PRINCESS CARABOO: Based-on-true-events, but that doesn't make it any more entertaining. A poor servant girl is taken in by a wealthy family who believes she is royalty from another country. Totally dull. Stars Phoebe Cates who was also in...................
PRIVATE SCHOOL (FOR GIRLS): There are some '80s teen sex comedys that are funny and raucous and some that are just lame with stupid storys, weak plots, incredibly stupid charactors and a lot of naked young girls running around. PRIVATE SCHOOL (FOR GIRLS) is one of the latter. It's about teen puppy-lovers Phoebe Cates and Matthew Modine. She's his girlfriend but refuses to go all the way with him. His friends are a bunch of horny guys who just wanna catch a glimpse of girls naked. Modine just cant say "no" and gets dragged along on their misadventures with them. One such shenanigan is dressing up as girls and sneaking into the girls locker room. Do I even have to tell you that they are the least convincing men in drag you've ever seen and that no girl would ever be fooled by this charade for even half a second? Of course, the school has a naughty bad girl (Betsy Russell). She's out to steal Modine away from Cates because he's the hottest guy at school. (Matthew Modine???) Will he stray or will he wait until the schmaltzy end where he finds out that having sex with someone you really love is just so much better?
PSYCHO BEACH PARTY: Wanna-be hip and clever parody Horror movie misses every mark. Rent SCARY MOVIE instead.
PULP FICTION: Oh, f*ck you. This truly horrible movie is heralded as a great classic and is praised time and time again. I thought it was terrible! And, oh yeah, hard to watch! Makes the Ned Beatty scene in DELIVERANCE look like MR ROGER'S NEIGHBORHOOD. I hated this movie! I hated John Travolta and Samuel L Jackson talking about MCDONALDS in France! I hated John Travolta and Uma Thurman doing the "Bat-tusi"! I hated the bunch of druggies and undesirables jump-starting someone's heart after a drug overdose! I hated the a** rape! I hated Bruce Willis! ! And, most of all, I hated Bruce Willis's girlfriend's accent!
PURE LUCK: Totally unfunny "Comedy" about a man whose clumsy daughter is missing so he hires the world's clumsiest man to go looking for her: Martin Short. So Short bumps into things and falls down and such. A scene where he gets attacked by bees only to find out he's allergic to them and then swells up like a balloon in the MACYS parade is movie's "high point". And even that ain't funny!
THE PYX: This movie might have worked if they hadn't answered so many of the questions in the beginning of the movie. We know who died, we know how and we know pretty much who dunnit. Karen Black stars as a lonley and depressed heroin-addicted prostitute whose best days are far behind her. When she gets the suspicious call that will lead her to a Satanic ritual and her inevitable demise you can tell that she knows terrible things are about to happen to her and she's prepared to throw away her bleak future and meet with her "fate". When she gets to the place where the ritual is being held she hears that haunting occult music that is a red flag that a black mass is going on and she keeps walking toward it anyway! This scene starts out creepy and then ends up unintentionally silly because for some reason someone decided to play the eerie Satanic music at ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS top speed!
RAD: BMX bike riding is the passion of the teen boy in RAD. In fact, when the big freestyle bike contest falls on the same day as the SATs he's actually torn as to which one he should go to! Comic highlight is a serious moment when the lad and his love interest, a young Lori Loughlin, "dance" together on bicycles to REAL LIFE's Send Me An Angel!
RAISE YOUR VOICE: America's Sweetheart Hilary Duff stars as a small town girl who enjoys singing in front of the mirror into her hairbrush. Somehow she gets the chance to go to some fancy shmancy music school's summer program in L.A. and she's so excited. Her father, being a wet blanket, tells her she can't go. One night she and her brother sneak out behind Dad's back to go to a THREE DAYS GRACE concert. (Yes, stretch your imagination like taffy and make yourself believe Duff's charactor is a closet metalhead) Driving home from the concert their car is hit by another car and the brother buys the farm. Now Duff's charactor is heartbroken. To pick up the pieces she lies (Again!) to her father, joins the summer music camp and packs up and pretends she's visiting her cool aunt. The school Duff attends is like the school in FAME. That is if the students in FAME couldn't sing, dance, act or play instruments. The caliber of talent Duff and her friends display brings to mind the stuff of high school plays. Well, anyway, as you can guess when Duff opens her mouth to sing doves fly, the clouds lift and the Heaven's open. It's a beautiful thing! Well, not really. Frankly, Duff doesn't quite have the pipes to pull off this movie convincingly. She's not exactly Barbara Streisand. Or even Avril Lavigne, for that matter. The other "talented kids" in the movie are just as mediocre.I have to guess they were picked on purpose as to not upstage the star, Hilary Duff. Watching RAISE YOUR VOICE you will be sitting beside yourself in disbelief as the people on screen act like these no talent kids are The Second Coming Of Christ! As if it wasn't bad enough that this movie showcases Hilary Duff's singing, here's the real kick in the crotch: She' doesn't sing any of her "good songs"!
RED DAWN: Really stupid movie about teens turning guerilla soldiers when commies parachute land behind their school. Totally unbelievable set ups such as teens being able to walk over to where their parents are being fenced in by the enemy and stand outside the fence talking to them! Overrun with teen stars such as Charlie Sheen, C Thomas Howell, Patrick Swayze, Lea Thompson and Jennifer Grey who would look much more at home putting up prom decorations in a gym somewhere.
THE REFLECTING SKIN: There are three little boys who are convinced that the strange, pale woman who lives alone in a strange house is a vampire. She lets them believe it. So when people in town start mysteriously disappearing, of course, the movie's lead little boy thinks it must be the vampire lady doing the killings. This is not good. Especially when his older soldier brother (Viggo Mortensen) comes home from the war and starts making hanky panky with the woman. This strange lady is right at home in a town full of odd charactors such as the boy's father who was once caught having sex with a young boy in the barn and that group of menacing hoodlum teenagers who drive around and swipe people off the side of the road. Is the woman really a vampire? I wish I could tell you she is. That might make this more my kind of movie. This movie chooses to leave itself with a question mark as a finale. When the end credits started to role me and my husband looked at eachother in disbelief and said in unison "What the f*ck was that?!"
RESERVOIR DOGS: I hated everything about this movie. I hated the deep, philosopichal pondering over MADONNA lyrics! I hated the cutsey Stuck In The Middle With You torture scene! I hated everything! I think I even hate you, Quentin Tarantino!
RESIDENT EVIL: Never, and I mean NEVER, see a movie that is based on a video game. And if you do, don't say I didn't warn you!
RETURN OF THE SWAMP THING: Heather Locklear does the worst acting of her career as The Swamp Thing's latest love interest. This groaner was meant to be kitschy. I think.
RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD III: I hated RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD II, but it was freakin' CITIZEN KANE compared to this piece of junk. A guy and his lady love crash a motercycle and she dies in the accident. Luckily, his Dad works in a top secret lab that has the chemicals that can bring the dead to life. Not always a good idea, but you try to stop him. He brings her back to life and now she's a zombie chick. For some reason the movie piles in more and more charactors from this point on to no avail.
RETURN TO OZ: Lesser known sequel to THE WIZARD OF OZ is about Dorothy (Now played by freaky Faruiza Balk) who is in an insane asylum. Guess nobody believed those crazy "Oz storys"! She somehow goes back to Oz to meet a new cast of forgettable charctors. Rent THE NEVERENDING STORY instead.
THE RING: Bad remake of RINGU, a movie that wasn't that great to begin with. A bunch of stupid teenagers are passing around a video tape that supposedly causes the viewer to die seven days after watching it. A woman (Naomi Watts) decides to investigate, finds the tape, watches it, the phone rings, she answers and a voice says "You're going to die in seven days". Now she's got seven days to try to figure out how to beat the hex. Believe it or not, there IS a way to beat the hex. A really stupid way. I'd love to meet the hack writer who made this movie "rule "up!  I'd also like to meet the team of "yes men" who agreed that this movie "cheat" would work! To differ itself from the original this movie heaps on unrelated and unnecessary story lines (What was that whole shpiel about the horses about anyway?!) It does keep the famous finale though. Don't read the following SPOILER if you don't wanna know that a creepy little girl crawls through a TV set at the end of the movie.
RINGU: Dullsville pretty much up until the end but a little better than the American re-make. SPOILER: Somehow the "little girl crawling out of the TV set" scene is better handled and more creepily effective here but does that make it worth sitting through the rest of the movie?  Not really.
RINGMASTER: The TV show THE JERRY SPRINGER SHOW was a huge hit. People and their dysfunctional familys and cheating loved ones would go on the show, swear, deceive, throw chairs and sometimes punches, rumble and sometimes rip off clothes. We, the audience, were told that none of this was scripted. It was like a day at the fights. You never knew what shocking secret was about to be revealed and how bad the person who was about to have a bomb dropped on them was gonna take the news. Would they cry, run off the stage or go the violent route? At the height of the show's popularity someone decided to quick-like cash in and make a movie. Only problem is the movie was scripted and starred actors, not real run-of-the-mill trailer trash. Somehow watching one actor read from a script "I been cheatin' on you" and then watching another actor reply "What? With who?" is not nearly as entertaining as watching real folks having their lives trampeled apart on live television. Of course, Mr Springer himself is portrayed as a saint of sorts. Nowhere in the film do we see him sleeping with porn star guests or trying to pay for hookers with a check. He does get a sex scene though. My eyes! My eyes!
ROADHOUSE: Or "SH*THOUSE", if you will. ROADHOUSE is a really hard movie to sum up. On the one hand, it's a really bad movie. But there are some people, mostly hillbilles and yokels, who think it's a really good movie. And then there are the Bad Movie Aficionados who believe that it's So-Bad-That-It's Good. Basically, ROADHOUSE thinks that it's hot sh*t on a silver platter but it's really cold diareah on a paper plate. The story here revolves around Dalton (DIRTY DANCING's Patrick Swayze). Not only is Dalton a bouncer, he is THE bouncer. The best boucner in the world. And, therefore, every bar in town - Nay: The WORLD-  is vying for him and offering him top dollar to come work for them. He ends up working for a hick bar called The Double Deuce. This place is so wild that when the house band, THE JEFF HEALY BAND, plays there they have to play inside of a cage so that when people inevitably throw beer bottles at them they won't get hurt. On Day One American Bad A** Swayze gets hurt and ends up getting his wounds licked, so to speak, by a beautiful, sexy female doctor (Kelly Lynch).  Soon she starts visiting the bucket of blood Swayze works at just to flirt with him. When he's not pitching woo at her or training he's beating the snot out of people. In fact, about 75% of this film is him beating the snot out of people. I guess some people find a good "fight movie" entertaining. I understand, but why oh why did it have to star Patrick "Twinkle Toes" Swayze?!
Four People You Should Never F*ck With:
1. Arnold Schwarzennegar
2. Sylvester Stallone
3. Vin Diesel
4. Patrick Swayze 
Don't mess with Swayze, Man: He'll dance all over your a**!
ROADHOUSE has it's share of some howlingly bad dialogue. Try to keep a straight  face while hearing charactors spout lines such as these:
* "This place has a sign hangin' over the urinal that says "Don't eat the big white mint""
* "That gal's got entirely too many brains to have an a** like that"
* "My way or the highway" 
* "I used to f*ck guys like you in prison"
Believe it or not, even ROADHOUSE has spawned a sequel: ROADHOUSE 2: LAST CALL. Rednecks, rejoice!
ROBOTS: People who make childrens movies (DISNEY, PIXAR) are trying not to leave any stone unturned. They have made movies about the secret life of bugs (A BUGS LIFE),  they have made movies about the secret life of toys (TOY STORY), they have made movies about the secret life of monsters (MONSTERS INC.), they have made movies about the secret life of fish (FINDING NEMO) and now they have made a movie about the secret life of robots (ROBOTS). They went to the well one time too many. ROBOTS is a beauty to behold, using the best CGI technology available. ROBOTS also has a lot of celebrity voice talent (Ewan McGregor, Robin Williams, Drew Carrey, Halle Berry, Amanda Bynes) The only thing ROBOTS DOESN'T have is a scrpit that contains a decent plot or any funny jokes. It's almost painful to sit through because it's just not funny. And you can tell Robin Williams is practically poppin' a blood vessel going way over the top doing anything, ANYTHING, to make you laugh. All for naught. The story itself, which boasts the moral (Once again) that "Ya' gotta be true to yourself" is nothin' new either. ROBOTS is a dud that disgraces the DISNEY name.
ROCK & ROLL HIGH SCHOOL FOREVER: ROCK & ROLL HIGH SCHOOL is a Cult Classic that had some hit and miss elements. It's big "hit" was that it was a movie about the Punk band THE RAMONES and featured a lot of good songs by them. ROCK & ROLL HIGHSCHOOL FOREVER doesn't have THE RAMONES or songs by THE RAMONES. It has Corey Feldman. And songs by Corey Feldman. Corey, and his group of misfit friends are out to rock the school talent show and stick it to The Man by turning Reagan High into Rock & Roll High School. If you've ever wanted to see Corey Feldman sing and dance to cover versions of 50's songs such as I'm Walkin' and Tutti Frutti, as well as some Corey Feldman originals, this may be your only chance. All others, duck and cover.
ROCKET MAN: Harland Williams as a total bumbling idiot who gets sent into space. How many fart-trapped-in-a-spacesuit jokes can one movie hold???
THE ROYAL TENENBAUMS: Some films pass themselves off as a "black comedy" and claim to put the "fun" in dysfunctional families. THE ROYAL TENENBAUMS made such claims. And what it ended up being is a colossal bore. A movie about an estranged family that is dark, dry and depressing. Not a laugh to be had. New rule: When I see Gwyneth Paltrow's name in the credits I run the other way.
RUNAWAY BRIDE: Like PRETTY WOMAN, this film stars Julia Roberts and Richard Gere. Unlike PRETTY WOMAN, this film is not entertaining in the least.
RUSHMORE: Heralded comedy that must have been too clever for me because it went right over my head and I didn't laugh once. (Just like ELECTION!) Student Jason Schwatzman battles Bill Murray for the love of a teacher twice his age. I run screaming.
THE SAINT: Val Kilmer plays a master of disguise who is so good he can even pull the wool over the eyes of his guffawing scientist girlfriend Elizabeth Shue. Too damn long.
SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER: Oh, f*ck you. Probably the most over-rated movie ever made. '70s Italian Brooklynite stereotypes live for the weekend when they can put on their boogy shoes. This film has one really funny scene ("Don't touch the hair!") and a great soundtrack packed with BEE GEE penned gems, but aside from that, why a story about John Travolta entering a dance contest, fighting off a horny Donna Pescow and chasing uninterested dance partner Karen Lynn Gorney became such a huge hit, box office gold, a cultural icon and the inspiration for a Broadway musical is way beyond me.
SAVING SILVERMAN: Three life long friends and NEIL DIAMOND enthusiasts find their friendship put to the test when one of them announces that he plans on wedding his shrew girlfriend that nobody likes. (Including me: It's Amanda Peet, for crying out loud!) They try to put the kabosh on the nuptuals with unfunny, nasty results. Even a cameo by NEIL DIAMOND himself can't save this mess.
SAW: This movie should have won some sort of an award. And by "some sort of an award" I mean a Razzie or something.
What an over-hyped piece of sh*t! How can a movie that rips off so many GOOD movies be so bad?
SAW has an undeserved reputation as being an edge-of-your seat thriller and a creep-fest. It is supposedly very scaryand gripping. Very gross and gory. Ummmmmmmm...It's about two guys being chained in a room together for an hour and forty-five minutes yak, yak, yakking.
Two guys (The one with the dark hair co-wrote this piece of sh*t, The blonde one is Cary Elwes who was good in PRINCESS BRIDE and will be lucky if he ever works again after this) wake up to find themselves chained up on opposite ends of what looks like the nastiest subway bathroom in the world. Between them lies a body holding a tape recorder. They each have a casette tape in their pockets and they each have a saw.
They find out that they have been put in this room by an evil genius madman (Like SILENCE OF THE LAMB's Hannibal Lechter!) called Jigsaw, who likes to play evil games (Like FUNNY GAMES!) and use people he thinks don't appreciate life as his pawns. (Why did he choose these two guys? I have no idea. The brown haired one is a photographer who gets hired to follow cheating spouses around and get evidence of their infidelities. Does that mean he doesn't appreciate life? And the blonde guy is a wealthy doctor with a beautiful wife and a sexy mistress. If anything he's enjoying life double-time!)
Through flashbacks we see some of the past games Jigsaw has played. They are supposed to be really sick and gory but, actually, they leave A LOT to the viewer's imaginations. And they look sort of like unused footage from a NINE INCH NAILS video.
In one convoluted game after the next Jigsaw puts some poor shmoe in a room where they either end up killing themselves or someone else trying to get out. If they play the game right they will get free and be spared (Like CUBE!)
Soon enough the two guys realize that to "win" one of them has to cut off his own foot and kill the other guy. I think they were more worried about cutting their own feet off then killing eachother cuz they sure did yap about it alot. There's a lot of "What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do?" in SAW.
There are a series of far-fetched clues sprinkled all throughout that make the game so convuluted and unbelievable. Through a series of strange, impecably timed coincidences (What if the guys had never looked through the wallet? What if they had never reached the phone?) Jigsaw's game goes just as planned.
This movie has a bunch of Red Herrings, one of which is LETHAL WEAPON's Danny Glover (Why, Danny, why?) as a cop (Hey, where's Mel Gibson?) who is obssesed with catching Jigsaw. He ALMOST caught him once before but Jigsaw, who is apparently not affected by gunshot wounds, gave him a cheesy "I'm sick of it all speech" and ran away. When Glover almost caught him retractable blades shot out of Jigsaw's sleeve (Did he borrow that get-up from X-MEN's Wolverine?) and he got away.
Jigsaw also has a red cape and "beast" mask combo it looks like he borrorwed from the village in THE VILLAGE and dolls it looks like he borrowed from Dario Argento's DEEP RED. (In one comical scene Shawnee Smith plays one of Jigsaw's creepy games right and is granted her freedom. The door opens and in rides a clown doll on a bicycle that blocks the only exit. Shawnee stands there looking terrified not knowing what to do. Here's a thought: Knock the sh*t over and run out of the room. Hello: It's a DOLL!)
This movie has about a thousand and one implausibilities. How is Jigsaw shocking them through the chains anyway? And the biggest "What The F*ck?" moment that doesn't make sense is the scene of The Killers reveal. Like THE USUAL SUSPECTS it is the person we least expect. Unlike THE USUAL SUSPECTS we don't suspect that person cuz we don't even know who the Hell he is. Was that guy even IN the movie???
And if you think about it, it just doesn't make sense. If The Killer is who they say it is where did he get such super-human strength? He sure was a spry m*therfucker: How he ran from Danny Glover! How he lived through being pumped fulla' lead!  And not only did he think up all those high-concept complicated traps but he also built them himself (In his condition!) and payed to put them into motion. He must have been a friggin' millionaire! The surveilance equipment alone must have cost him thousands. Thousands!
This movie has a big M. Night Shyamalan-type "twist ending"  too. That is also preposterous. No one ever realized this? Not even the guy who was a doctor?! Gimme a f*ckin' break!
If you absolutely must watch SAW then watch it the best way possible: Watch it with my friend Craig, who heckled the screen, yelled "I'm so f*ckin' BORED!" every fifteen minutes, complained about the lack of boobs and blood and screamed "Shut your f*ckin' mouth!" at Carey Elwes everytime he launched into a hammy unintentionally  comical fifteen minute speech.
HIGHLIGHT WITH A SPOILER: We rolled with laughter when Elwes, after losing a limb, says he has to move fast or he will die from blood loss. He then proceeds to give a fifteen minute speech and take his sweet-a** time getting out of there!
* There is also a reportedly even MORE ludicrous SAW II (Here's a thought: Open a window!) and a SAW III. I guess as long as stupid folk keep paying to see these movies stupid folk will keep on makin' 'em!
SCREWBALLS: Really dumb, bottom of the barrel, low brow teen sex comedy that makes PORKYS look like MASTERPIECE THEATRE. A bunch of high school dorks decide that by the end of the film they are gonna see the school's ice princess Purity Bush naked. Along the way they are gonna try to think up ways to peep female students, get laid and get stuck bowling balls off their cocks. You heard me.
SCOOBY DOO 2: MONSTERS UNLEASHED: A little better than the first SCOOBY DOO movie but that's faint praise, isn't it? Guys might wanna check it out just to see Velma squeezed into a leather outfit.
THE SCREAMING SKULL: This movie has a great William Castle-like gimmick, I'll give them that: They had a disclaimer on the movie poster and a warning that ran before the movie that if you died of fright while watching THE SCREAMING SKULL they would gladly pay for the price of your funeral! They even show a picture of a coffin with a sign on it that says "Reserved For You" before the movie begins. Priceless! Someone got paid a lot of money to come up with that campaign, and if he didn't than he should have, because it's the only redeeming factor in an otherwise laughably bad yawn-fest of a movie.
The premise is one you've heard before: A man brings his wealthy "new wife" home from the sanitarium she just got released from to their home in a huge, grandiose mansion in the country. The place barely has any furniture. He had been decorating it with his first wife when she "accidentally" fell in a well and died. He still keeps her gaudy portait up in the living room (How nice for the "new wife"!) and her ghost seems to still be lingering around the house and the land. In fact, the retarded gardner Mickey still carries on conversations with her. (Oh, Mickey, you so crazy!)
The newlyweds sleep in seperate rooms. That really sucks. Not only is the wife not getting the goods but at night she's getting the bejesus scared out of her by the sound of someone knocking. What the Hell IS that? When she tells her husband about it the next day he calmly says "What knocking?" and , of course, the wife starts to think she's going insane. Again. Aside from the tuba music that scores the film that is sort of reminiscent of THE SHINING theme there is also a high pitched "Ahhhhh-ahhhhh-ahhhhhh!" falsetto that is supposedly the sound of The Screaming Skull, which actually sounds a lot more like a Singing Skull. Every so often the "new wife" Jeni tiptoes around the creepy old house, opens a door and sees....a plastic skull! She runs screaming to the husband who calmly says "What skull?" Even when people off screen are throwing plastic skulls into the scene and they are bouncing around at his feet he keeps a straight face and deadpans "What skulls?" (Don't you hate when you have a boyfriend or husband whose trying to convince you you're nuts?! I've had a few of these. It's most annoying! Right, Robin?)
Me and Karl had a few chuckles while watching THE SCREAMING SKULL. Because very little happens, the "special effects" consist of plastic skulls and one Science lab skeleton and the movie has five people in the cast we thought we could duplicate this movie scene for scene with just $50, a camcoder and three of our friends. I told Karl he could play "Mickey" and he thought that was a great idea cuz he thought Mickey could "stand to have a good limp". And, don't you know it, in the next scene we saw Mickey in he was running...and limping! Karl called it!  Crazy Limping Mickey, who sometimes carries a plastic skull around in a picnic basket, steals the show!
SECRET WINDOW: Johnny Depp (No, he doesn't look hot here!) as a troubled writer whose life is falling apart around him during his divorce from his wife. To make matters worse a crazy man has shown up at his door threatening him with bodily harm because he swears Johnny plaguerized one of his best selling storys from him. "Twist" ending you will see coming from a mile away.
SEE NO EVIL: This one, put out by THE WWE wrestling association and starring a wrestler named Kane, plays like an old '80s straight-to-video Horror throwback. And I mean that in the worst way possible.
A group of teens from a juvenile detention center are brought in to clean up an old abandoned hotel. What they don't know is that there is a freak that lives there who likes to kill people and gouge out their eyes (SEE NO EVIL. Get it?) So he's going to kill this group of ne'er-do-wells.
But Wait: One girl has a bunch of religious symbol tattoos so he doesn't know if he should kill her or not (Don't you, by the way,  get a kick out of criminals who have a lot of religious tattoos? Every SCARED STRAIGHT-like Documentary I've ever seen has featured a group full of scary looking thugs serving life for murder that all have giant Jesus tattoos!)  So, not sure what to do with her, he throws her in a cage and jerks off on her and such.
No one can escape because, strangely enough, the hotel has no windows! SPOILERS: Check out the ending with The Killer's Mrs. Voorhees wanna-be mother. Like we didn't see THAT coming from a mile away. In Horror movies wherever there's a disturbed maniacal killer there is always a mean mother at the route of it all!
SELENA: This is the movie that launched JENNIFER LOPEZ's career (Damn them!) and honored real life murdered Tejano singer SELENA , who was shot and killed by the president of her fan club. (With friends like that who needs enemies?) Because it is "honoring" Selena the movie paints her as sort of a never-done-wrong, sweet as sugar saint of sorts. I'm not saying she wasn't. But watching a bio of someone being portrayed as a saint is not very entertaining. Would you rather watch SELENA being a good girl and obeying her Daddy or Jim Morrison getting drunk and setting a hotel room on fire? Which makes for better "entertainment"?
SERVING SARA: Elizabeth Hurley (Not funny) and Matthew Perry (Not funny) star in this "Comedy" where he's trying to serve her with divorce papers and she's trying to elude him. She decides to up the ante of her no good husband and have him presented with papers first. Her husband is played by Bruce The Man Campbell. Even he brings nothing to the table.
SE7EN: This movie differs itself from others by trying to have an incredibly high "Ick factor". It is about a sicko who is on the loose killing people,and stages the murders as The Seven Deadly Sins as his calling card. Brad Pitt plays a cop. Gwyneth Paltrow plays his wife. At the end of the film Brad Pitt is sent a box by the killer. He is in a panic screaming :"What's in the box?! What's in the box?!" Did anyone who watched SE7EN REALLY not know what was gonna be in the box? I did. Was it really obvious or have I just seen waaaay too many of these things?
THE SHAFT (aka DOWN): Attack Of The Killer Elevator! In this laughable "Horror flick" there is a popular tourist attraction in New York City called The Millenium Building. It's elevator is killing people. Is it a malfunction? Terrorists? Osama? (He's mentioned by name!) Nazis? Beelzebub? The heros of this movie, are a female reporter and an elevator repairman (Natch!) They are out to find out what evil lies in the belly of the beast, The Elevator From Hell. By the way, the role of  "Female Reporter" is played by Naomi Watts (See my CLINKERS reviews of KING KONG and THE RING). Some people make stinky movies early in their careers. Not Naomi! She made this one 15 years into acting in movies! Around the same time as her THE RING hot streak! (Why, Naomi, Why?)
Last Action Hero Naomi gets the film's greatest line: "I'll pee on them!"
Speaking of pee, there is a kid in THE SHAFT who, while taking a doomed Hell ride in the evil lift, wets himself. The color of  his pee is a weird shade of orange not known to Crayola. How long has that kid been holding that pee: Three months? What kind of vitamins was he taking? That sh*t is the color of Velveeta! We walked away from THE SHAFT wondering if this poor little boy has it written on his resume as an actor "THE SHAFT: Boy Who Peed In Elevator.
By the way, gotta love that title: THE SHAFT. Makes me think of Richard Roundtree and porno movies!
SHALLOW HAL: Hal is a ladies man who can't settle down because he's too picky about the women he'll date. That might be easier to believe if Hal was not being played by big, fat, blundering oaf Jack Black. Hal gets hynotized and now can only see people for their inner beauty. He meets a girl named Rosemary who is supposedly stunning but is portrayed by pale, skinny stick girl Gwyneth Paltrow. (Hey, you got the head back!) At least that's what Hal sees. We, the audience and everyone else, knows that Rosemary is really a three hundred pound heifer. But a really nice one. So Hal finds himself blinded by the beauty of Good Samaritan Rosemary and thinks she's his ideal hot woman. His friends all think he's nuts. At the end we all learn that beauty is only skin deep. Right? RIGHT? (If beauty were only skin deep they would have got Camryn Mannheim to play Rosemary and not skinny Gwynny in a fat suit!)

SHOCKER: Wanna-be NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET rip-off about a killer who dies in an electric chair whose evil soul returns to cause murderous mayhem. Now that I think about it, there was also a movie called THE HORROR SHOW that came out around the same time that had pretty much the same frickin' plot! Neither was any good. At least SHOCKER had a really good soundtrack. Does the name Freddy Krueger mean anything to you? Most probably it does. Does the name Horace Pinker mean anything to you? Probably not. Horace Pinker was the murderer in SHOCKER. He never really caught on.
SHRIEK IF YOU KNOW WHAT I DID LAST FRIDAY THE 13TH: Terrible, laugh free spoof of Horror movies fails miserably with lamest, most tired, bottom-of-the-barrel gags imaginable. Big "star" talent includes Tiffani Amber Thiesen, who was on SAVED BY THE BELL over twenty years ago, and Tom Arnold, who was briefly married to Rosanne over twenty years ago. They are a cop and a reporter who are investigating the string of murders at Bulimia Falls High School. The new kid Dawson (Witty, no? No!) is getting all the funny looks because his whole family was sliced and diced not long ago and he was the prime suspect. He's out to prove his innocence. His new friends are the hot pretty blonde girl, the Molly Ringwald looking tomboy, the dumb jock and the horny guy who is constantly trying to get laid. Dumb mess of a movie. Only one or two funny lines said by TV's Rosemarie as a Lit teacher who tells students that Frankenstein was attacked by ant-semite, Jew-hating villagers and who wonders aloud if Frankenstein was circumsized or not. Rent SCARY MOVIE or STUDENT BODIES instead.
SIDE OUT: C Thomas Howell stars in a flick about that sport of kings, beach volleyball!
SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT 2: The first one was hilariously bad and fun to watch. ("Naughty!") This one uses a lot of footage (Really, A whole lot!) from the first film as killer from first movie Billy's little brother Ricky feels his life being turned upside down by memories from his past. Rent the original instead.
SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT 4: INITIATION: A girl finds herself knocked up with a larval Horror movie baby after hanging out with a strange lesbian coven and Clint Howard!  And, oh yeah, it's Christmas time.
SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT 5: THE TOYMAKER: Mickey Rooney is the toy maker Petto who has to try to stop sicko son Pino from terrorizing people on Christmas. Pino is a killer. He would be a rapist too if he were a little more anatomically coreect. Sheesh. How does crap like this ever get made?
SIMPLY IRRESISTABLE: Sarah Michelle Gellar is an aspiring chef who isn't very good. One day she buys a crab and, lo and behold, it's a magic crab and, like a fairey godmother, it gives her incredible powers, one of which is the ability to be a great chef! So she gets hired to work at a great restaurant and, lo and behold, there is a guy who works there who is really cute. Will love blossom and, if so, will it because Sarah Michelle is so cute and charming or because she has a magic crab? You would think a movie with a magical crab in it would be a DISNEY flick aimed at young children. Wrong! This is a "romantic comedy" aimed at adults in the twenty-something range. And yet, it features a magical crab!
SIXTEEN: A young, naked, nubile seventeen year old boy and a sixteen year old girl climb out of the creek after a good day of skinny dipping. He smiles at her body admiringly and tweaks one of her nipples. She smiles.
Okay, did I mention these two are brother and sister? Don't matter! Cuz they are backwoods hillbillies and their a-bloomin' and a-blossomin' and there ain't a damn thing they can do about it! They don't know no one else!
That all changes when the carnival comes to town. Little sister meets up with a sweet-talking daredevil stunt driver who makes it with her in a tent after the show. She's unaware he's told his buddies about it and they're all lined up watching!
This wouldn't have ever happened if her brother had just watched her like he promised Ma and Pa he would. Instead he went off with a trashy peep show girly who he picked up. She found out his family was coming into money because they just sold their prized swamp land so she talked him into a quickie marriage. Doesn't matter that she's married already. To the daredevil stunt driver!
At the end of the movie Ma and Pa scare away those evil city folk, continue livin' on the bayou and brother and sister are back to hittin' the old swimming hole and possibly eachother.
FUN FACT: The hillbilly Ma here is played by Mercedes McCambridge, the woman responsible for providing Linda Blair's head-turning, demonic voice in THE EXORCIST!
THE 6TH DAY: This is an Arnold Schwarzenegger Sci-Fi flick. Don't worry: He still gets mad and pummels people in it. In fact TWO Arnold Schwarzeneggers get mad and pummel people! That's because this movie deals with cloning. It takes place in the not-so-distant future. Cloning animals has become a common every day practice and now scientists are starting to flirt with the idea of doing it with people. Silly, dumb movie in which Ahnuld gets mad! You seen one, you seen 'em all!
SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE: Cute and perky Meg Ryan becomes obsessed with a man (Tom Hanks) she hears crying over his dead wife on a radio show. Despite the facts she's never met him and that she's ALREADY engaged to someone else she decides that this man is her soul mate and goes about stalking him and trying to meet him. The end of the movie has him going to the top of the Empire State Building to meet her, seeing that she looks like Meg Ryan and being pleasantly surprised. Had she looked like Kathy Bates instead of Meg Ryan we would have had a whole other movie, Folks! But because the obsessed stalker is cute and perky Meg Ryan this is a "romantic comedy" and not MISERY! (See Meg Ryan stalk another poor sap in ADDICTED TO LOVE. I'm telling you, the b*tch is crazy!)
SLIVER: The unsexiest sexy movie I have ever seen. Sharon Stone moves into a new building unaware that every single tenant is being illegally videotaped and watched by a Peeping Tom. But who is it? There is also a killer on the loose. Is it the same person who is peeping everyone? Watch such "sexy" scenes such as Sharon Stone working out her thighs at the gym, her "masterbating" in the bath which is implyed by her hand gripping the side of the tub and I'm pretty sure this flick has a sex scene with at least one Baldwin brother. (Nuff said)  If the muddled story doesn't make much sense that's no surprise: The identity of the killer was changed at the last minute by the makers of the movie! Sharon gets the laughingly bad, Schwarzenegger-esque, last line of the moviie: "Get a life!"
SLUMBER PARTY '57: Bad, lowly movie in which teens talk about how they lost their viginity. The twist? They're girls! And one of them is Debra Winger! None of their accounts are titillating or even tasteful for that matter. Pass unless you REALLY can't pass up the oppurtunity to see Debra Winger's painful debut.
SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE: The twist here is that this slasher movie was made by women. You wouldn't know it by the shameless, leering camera shots in scenes that take place in showers and locker rooms. The shots are framed to cut the actresses heads off! "Who cares?!: As long as the t*ts and a** still show!" seems to be the director's feelings. A teen girl is stuck at home watching over her bratty little sister while the cool girls are next door having a slumber party. Don't envy them too much: There's a killer on the loose and he's got a power tool. He likes to slice and dice pretty, young girls. Why? Because they are so beautiful and he can't have them. Oh, okay. Most movies off this ilk are silly and this one really takes the cake. Everyone gets killed. Even the pizza guy. He rings the doorbell and when the girls open the door his dead body falls into the house. They scream then they leave him lying there! They leave his dead a** lyin' there wondering if it's safe to eat the pizza or not!  Ay, caramba!
SNOW WHITE AND THE THREE STOOGES: Having to sit through anything with THE THREE STOOGES is unbearably painful for me. Hey, here's a thought: Let's have them team up with Snow White and Prince Charming! And here's an even better idea: Let's put them all in ice skates!
SORCERESS (aka TEMPTRESS II): I got roped into watching this one late at night on SKINEMAX because I was told (Make that "lied to"!) that it was a Horror movie that starred none other than Linda Blair. (Why, Linda, Why?) It's really an overly plotty softcore T & A flick in which women drop their clothes, rub oils (And paint) on eachother and partake in threesomes. And, oh yeah, they're witches. Or sorceresses. Or temptresses. Whatever. Linda Blair, the only star power name we've actually heard of, starts out as some guy in a wheelchair's seemingly normal wife who holds the deep, dark secret that not only is she a sorceress too, she's aparently the HEAD sorceress with the most power. This means she gets to sit in the middle of a pentagram with lots and lots of candles chanting and that she doesn't actually have to get naked like every other bimbo in the flick. There's plenty of naked women to be found in SORCERESS if that's your cup of tea but it really has no reason to try to gussy itself up, put a few candles on the set and declare itself a "Horror flick". Movies like SORCERESS are a dime a dozen on late night cable.
SOUL SURVIVORS: Movies like this came out in droves in the 2000's. Sadly, none of them were any good. SOUL SURVIVORS was pretty much the Cream of the Crap. A bunch of college bound teens go out for one last night of fun and end up in a horrible accident. A girl who DOES manage to live (Or does she?) starts spotting her dead boyfriend everywhere. (Think ABANDON. Or FINAL DESTINATION. Or if ya' wanna aim high and be generous think CARNIVAL OF SOULS.) Whatever.Nothing you haven't seen before and done better.
SPACE JAM: Painful movie features Michael Jordan playing basketball with all your favorite LOONEY TOONS cartoon charactors and Lola Bunny, whoever the Hell she is. They are playing against aliens. Despite the title, the film does not take place in space.
SPECIES 3: And SPECIES 1 and 2 while we're at it .Sexy alien chick walks around naked a lot and murders any man stupid enough to get in her path.
SPEED 2: CRUISE CONTROL: Annie, who comandeered a crazy bus rigged with explosives in SPEED, is back and on a cruise ship that is being terrorized by madman and "Poor Man's Dennis Hopper" Willem Dafoe. Keanu Reeves wisely opted out. Same can not be said for Sandra Bullock who is annoying as Hell whailing "How can this be happening to me again?" Good, Sandra. Let this stop you from making SPEED 3: SKATEBOARD OF DOOM!
SPELLBINDER: A guy breaks up a fight in the middle of the street between a man and a girl and realizes that, since the girl looks like Kelly Preston, this may very well be the love of his life. He brings the girl home with him and before you can say "Slap And Tickle" she's living with him. She's got some strange habits but that's okay: The sex is great! When not in between the sheets the guy finds out that the girl is wanted by a clan who practice witchcraft. When she disappears he goes looking for her and is led to an occult sacraficial ceremony. Please tell me I don't have to tell you what happens next. Surprise!
SPELLCASTER: Utter crap! Crappy, crappy, crappy! ADAM ANT gets top billing in this Z level Horror flick . DON'T BE FOOLED: He only appears on screen for about five minutes towards the end! A group of teens and twenty-somethings get a chance,to win a million dollars by staying in a spooky, old castle with a washed up drunken Rock songstress (The chick from the A-HA Take On Me video wearing some pretty unconvincing wigs) and participating in a treasure hunt of sorts. The castle is being watched over by a devilish wizard (ADAM ANT) who messes with them in the cheesyest of ways. Someone gets turned into a pig! (The "fat guy" from PRIVATE SCHOOL (FOR GIRLS). You know the one.) Someone gets eaten by a chair! This straight to video flick was made in the '90s but you'd never know it judging by the not-so-"special-effects". Do not waste your time on this trash. Go get eaten by a chair instead.
SPIRITED AWAY: Acclaimed kid fantasy movie that, despite being dubbed into English, still doesn't make much sense! Terrible!
SPRING BREAK: This teenage sex romp doesn't even aim to be funny. It's just a group of guys trying to meet girls, get laid, what have you. An excuse to show bikini-ed and bare bods and nothing more. Features bar scene with a terrible Rock band with female singer in very strange '80's outfits. Also features typical boy-looking-for-sex-finds-true-love story but you already knew that.
SPRING BREAK SHARK ATTACK: Something struck me as being fishy (No pun intended) about the cover of the DVD for SPRING BREAK SHARK ATTACK. Maybe it was the fact that I had never heard of the movie before, making me quite sure it never played in theaters. Or that I had never heard of any of the actors in it (Who the box boasts have been on shows like THE O.C.). Something made me think "Straight To Video". But I was wrong. This flick was even worse than a "Straight To Video". It was a "Made For TV Movie".  So, although a title like SPRING BREAK SHARK ATTACK has the promise of young people in and out of bikinis, young lust, ample bodies and ample bloody shark attacks, the fact that this is a TV movie means that all those things will be kept at a G to PG rated level.
Our story is about nice, smart and sensible virgin Danielle (Shannon Lucia who looks like a cherubic version of Lindsay Lohan). She wants to go on a  Florida Spring Break vacation with her two girlfriends, who look like A Poor Man's version of Britney Spears and Jessica Alba. Danielle's  father, who is a lecherous adulturer, says "Nuh uh. He knows what goes on at places like that! There are guys at those things and guys only think with their crotches! You oughta' know, Dad, and by the way, you're girlfriend called today!
Danielle's Science nerd brother, who is A Poor Man's David Arquette........WITH in Florida doing experiments on keeping sharks away from Spring Breakers (What a coincidence, huh?!) so Danielle justifies running off to Florida behind Daddy's back to frolic, tan, dance, party, pick up guys and hopefully lose her virginity by telling herself that she's REALLY going there to visit her brother.
When Danielle arrives her girlfriends are thrilled to see her. Her virginity has really gotten on theri nerves it would seem and they are promising this is the vacation where she will lose it. And also get a tan, cuz she is the whitest girl they've ever seen they say. They have a monatge where they try on hats and sunglasses and then head to the beach to surprise one girl's boyfriend, Max, who has no idea the girls are in Florida and is hot to score some strange stank on his hang-low while on Spring Break away from his Alba-esque girlfriend. He's on the beach with his pervy snake friend J.T. who would f*ck the crack of dawn. They like to walk the beach with a camcorder and tell chicks that they are making a GIRLS GONE WILD type documentary. This leads to a lot of G rated flashing from the girls, who lift their t-shirts to reveal their....bikini tops.
When horny J.T. meets virginal Danielle he swoops down on her like a hawk and decides he's gonna get her to give up the ghost. But wait: He doesn't know about cute Boat Boy who works at the boat rental shop. He's a nice boy and Danielle takes an instant shine to him. Even though Danielle andf Boat Boy are destined to be a couple she still continues to string J.T. along. That virginal c*ck tease!
By the time a party full of uninvited strangers breaks out at the girls' hotel room you will start to wonder "Hey, where are the sharks?!" And by the time that ne'er-do-well pervert J.T. is putting date rape drugs in Danielle's drink you will feel like you are watching a teen soap opera in the vein of BEVERLY HILLS 90210, DAWSON'S CREEK or THE O.C. Or even an AFTERSCHOOL SPECIAL for that matter!
Boat Boy walks in, saving Danielle from the potential date rape by J.T. and Danielle's friend finds the video footage of Max chasing strange tail on the beach. She is so mad that she would break up with him......... if she could find him. But she can't find him cuz he is out in the ocean hitting on a swimming chick. That chick gets eaten by a shark and so does Max. And yet no one notices three days later that they are missing in action!
J.T., still trying to woo Danielle, decides to rent a boat and have a party on it. So who does he go to? Boat Boy. Does that make sense? He wants to take Danielle on a boat to seduce her and so he hires his main competition for Danielle's.....ummmmm...."hand" to man the boat.
So Boat Boy, J.T. and Danielle's two friends get on the boat to drink and have fun. Soon everyone but Boat Boy is in the water and that's when Boat Boy notices There's Blood in The Water, Dave Matthews!
He calls everyone back on the boat and when Danielle is the only one left IN the water that's when her friend sees a shark fin and says (Now say this line with absolutely no emotion, Folks) "".
Should Danielle stay as still as possible or swim for it? Well, first she stays as still as possible and then when the sharks start to swim away she makes a mad splash back to the boat. The sharks get wise to this and, not liking to be played the fools, come back at the boat with a vengence, ramming into it, causing it to start to flood and then eventually stall. Danielle and her friends use containers the size of flowerpots to empty the water out of the boat. And this somehow works! The boat eventually drifts to land and Danielle's friend, who just escaped death, grumbles "My fake I.D. got ruined!" J.T. then shouts "The beer is okay!" What a relief, huh? Cuz I know that when me and my friends are attacked by sharks and stuck in the middle of the ocean on a sinking ship my mind is on two things and two things only: Will my fake I.D. get ruined and will the beer be okay?!
While walking near the water Danielle's friend discovers....Yikes!...the half-eaten body of her cheatin' boyfriend Max! Hurray! Now we got somethin' to eat! (Sort of puts the whole fake I.D. thing into perspective, doesn't it?)
Once back at the swingin' Spring Break resort Danielle, Boat Boy and all discover that a nearby resort owner had been purposely putting chum in the water at THIS Spring Break resort so that kids would see the shark fins and be scared onto his side of the island. That dick!
After five minutes (Finally!) of chock-fulla-shark action Danielle, Boat Boy and Nerdy Brother go out on a boat to drop Nerd Brother's anti-shark devices in the water and save the day. Huzzah!
I would rather eat a bucket of chum than watch this tripe ever again.
THE SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS MOVIE: Don't get me wrong: I AM a fan of the show. That's why it was so grueling to sit through this movie that isn't even up to par with an average cartoon episode. Spongebob, denyed a promotion because he's not a real "man", goes on a voyage to find his manhood, so to speak. Along the way he meets an underwater king and his annoying (Voiced by Scarlett Johanson) daughter. He goes on a quest to return the king's missing crown. Along the way he meets David Hasselhoff. Don't ask.
STAR WARS EPISODE I (And, what the Hell: EPISODE II too): Now I love me some STAR WARS, don't get me wrong. But I'm talking old school STAR WARS. Mark Hammil! Carrie Fisher! And, last but not least, Harrison Ford! Jar Jar Binks?! Fuhgeddaboutit!
STAYING ALIVE: Needless sequel to SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER. Now Tony (John Travolta) is a little older and wiser and starring in a terrible, terrrrrrrrrrrrrrible Musical called Satan's Alley. His affections are torn between Cynthia Rhodes and GENERAL HOSPITAL Brit Finola Hughes. What's a guy to do? Strut!
STEPFORD WIVES (2005) Terrible remake of '70's Cult Classic goes the "kitschy", "funny", "camp" route and fails to pull off being a Comedy. That's a shame because now that it's so goofy it fails as a suspense flick too. Not only that, they "tinkered" with the now classic ending and threw in one or two too many plot "twists". If I really want to nitpick I can go as far as saying that if you think about it hard enough the new ending doesn't even make sense!
STRIPES: Painfully unfunny movie in which Bill Murray joins the Army. This move has a legion of fans. I ain't one of them.
SUGAR HILL (aka THE ZOMBIES OF SUGAR HILL): This is the sort of '70s Blaxpoitation flick that Pam Grier usually made. She must have been busy doing something else (Or looked at the script and said "Hell no!") because they have someone else playing "Sugar": Marki Bey, who looks like a '70s version of Vanessa Williams. "Sugar" (Because she looks as sweet as sugar tastes!) is hot and heavy with Langston, the guy who owns the Club Haiti nightclub. Langston gets rubbed out by a group of hitmen and Sugar decides that she's gonna avenge his death. She goes into the bayou looking for Old (And I mean OLD! Like "Yoda Old"!) Mama Matresse, who is played by Zara Cully, who played Mother Jefferson on THE JEFFERSONS. Mama Matresse is an old school voodoo priestess and she raises Baron Samedi and his troop of obediant zombie slaves from their shallow graves so they can help Sugar rub out the bad guys. 
This was one of the worst Blaxpoitation flicks I've ever seen in that it should be a cross between FOXY BROWN and BLACULA, but there is very little blood and violence (A LOT is left to the viewer's imagination) and zero sex or nudity in it.  It only has one catfight, for cryin' out loud! The Death Methods are pretty silly too: A man gets massaged to death ("I don't like that!" he barks) and someone gets fed to a pen full of hungy pigs.
The only thing that made watching SUGAR HILL bareable was the fact that the charactors had names like "Sugar", "Valentine" and "Fabulous,  that it had some outrageous "Look What He's Wearing!" '70s fashions (Strangely, the fashions worn by the women in SUGAR HILL have actually come back into style recently. The men's huge collars, giant ties and horrible ugly suits thankfully haven't) and the zombies themselves, which are cheap and cheesy looking with silver grease paint, cobwebs and huge, shiny marble eyes (Me and my daughter duplicated this look by holding metal spoons up to our eyes).
When a seven year old can sit though a zombie movie not scared and actually laughing you know you're in trouble.
And also: I read somewhere that these zombies were supposed to do Kung-Fu! They didn't!
No Sex! No blood! No Black-Fu! No good!
THE SUPER: I think this was the first time I ever wanted to ask for my money back in a movie theater. Joe Pesci is a slum lord who is court ordered to have to live in his own awful apartment building. This should set up a lot of funny foils for Pesci, no? No! By the way, "Pesci" is Italian for "fish". That's what this movie stinks like.
SUPER GIRL: I'm almost embaressed to admit how much I liked SUPERMAN and SUPERMAN II. To this day if they are on TV I will stop what I'm doing and watch 'em! That was good stuff!  Some genius decided to cash in and make SUPERGIRL starring gorgeous Helen Slater as Supergirl and Super Ham Faye Dunaway as the over-the-top crazed super villain. This movie should have been a whole lot of fun, either in a legitimate "good movie" way or a corny FLASH GORDON camp way. It's neither. Here's testament to how much it sucks: You don't see any sequels for it, do you?
SUPERMAN III and SUPERMAN IV: THE QUEST FOR PEACE: I know, I know: I just got through raving about SUPERMAN and SUPERMAN II. I never said I loved the whole damn franchise! 
SUPERMAN III sucked balls with comedic villain Richard Pryor aping shamelessly. Comedy can only be done in a serious super hero movie when it's done tactfully. See Jack Nicholson's tour de force as The Joker in BATMAN.
SUPERMAN IV: THE QUEST FOR PEACE: This one is even worse than SUPERMAN III, if that's possible. This time Superman is up against Nuclear Man! God, how it makes me miss The Mole Men! This movie trys to have dignity by NOT having a comedic side kick. Oh wait: There's Jon Cryer as Lex Luthor's dippy nephew. Ack! Did we learn nothing from SUPERMAN III?!
SUPERNOVA: I used to think I could get off on watching James Spader fold his laundry. Then I tryed to watch him in SUPERNOVA, some furturistic Sci-Fi bullsh*t he starred in with Kiss Of Death Lou Diamond Phillips. They are floatin' around in a spaceship in this one.  How I long for the James Spader of my youth: A nasty narcissist who tortured the likes of Andrew McCarthy, Robert Downey Jr and Rob Lowe in films like PRETTY IN PINK, LESS THAN ZERO and BAD INFLUENCE!
THE SWEETEST THING: After movie's like AMERICAN PIE became huge hits someone decided to make a Girls-Can-Have-Raunchy-Fun-Too flick. It's called THE SWEETEST THING and it's pretty much SOMETHING ABOUT MARY starring chicks. It even has MARY's Cameron Diaz. Cami, Christina Applegate and Selma Blair (Who really must fire her agent!) star as girls looking for sex, love and good times. Cameron Diaz's charactor talks to a guy in a bar for five minutes and then decides (Only in the movies) he's her fate, destiny, soul mate, yada yada yada: You've heard it all before. She knows he's going to a wedding tomorrow and assumes it's HIS wedding. It's really his brother's wedding. Either way she's gonna crash it and piss on bride Parker Posey's day. This movie has gross out "gags" such as a rip-off of a bathroom stall gag from SCARY MOVIE, a Lewinsky-esque semen stain on a dress gag (The drycleaner licks the stain trying to figure out what it is) and a stuck-together-by-body-piercings oral sex joke. All the comedy "highs" are comedy "lows". There is one cute dress-up segment where Applegate and Diaz ape PRETTY WOMAN but I wouldn't recommend sitting through the rest of this garbage to see that sixty second montage. Beware of "tinfoiled leftovers writhing with maggots" scene.
SWITCH: A male chauvenist pig is murdered by a group of women who are sick of his bullsh*t and he wakes up the next day in the body of a woman. Ah! Karma! Now he must live as The Enemy, a woman, the sex he thinks so little of. He learns enough about what balls it takes to be a woman but sadly he doesn't learn that you should never...and I mean NEVER....get drunk with Jimmy Smits. That dude will date rape you fo sho!
TANK GIRL: Terrible movie based on a popular British comic book charactor. This movie had a nationwide search to "discover" an unknown girl to be the star. A million girls shaved their heads in hopes of being Tank Girl. And then the role went to Lori Petty, a well known actress! (Actually,the role first went to Emily Lloyd, a well known actress,  but she refused to shave her head or something). The casting call was just a publicity stunt to make hype for the movie. Well, either way the movie stunk on ice. I was sort of embaressed for Malcolm McDowell, who plays the film's villain, a baddie hellbent on taking over the world's water supply but I was downright mortified to see  ICE T in a  kangaroo costume. He has a beastiality love scene with Tank Girl. Is that even legal?
TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES II: SECRET OF THE OOZE: What was the first TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES MOVIE missing?  VANILLA ICE! Good news: He's here, Folks! Way to "date" a movie.
THE TEMP: Hysterically bad Temp From Hell flick that runs in the vein of THE CRUSH (Teen Girl From Hell), SINGLE WHITE FEMALE (Room Mate From Hell) and the like. This one stars evil yet attractive  98 pound weakling Lara Flynn Boyle as an office temp at a cookie factory who is really a sneaky, conniving, evil b*tch who will kill (Literally!) to get to the top. Look out, Keebler elves! These movies are usually silly. This one is REALLY silly. It has one thing the others don't have. Yup, it has Super Ham Faye Dunaway! And she's in top form here. Check out the scene where she almost pops a blood vessel demanding to know which traitor at the cookie factory has been leaking out the secret recipes. It looks like she's channeling Joan Crawford again! Also memorable is a scene where the crew, while taste testing the newest type of cookie, discovers a little too late that the cookies have been peppered with shards of broken glass. It would be gross if it wasn't so funny!
This movie is truly terrible but just writing about it makes me wanna sit back, have a few beers and watch it and just laugh my a** off. Maybe, maybe, one day it will crawl onto my Cult Classics list!
10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU: The boys in high school are all hot and bothered over cute girl Larisa Oleynik. The bad news is her father won't allow her to date until her older sister does. This means she has to find someone to pitch woo at her older sister. No one wants to do it. Now, that must mean the older sister is a real dog, right? Would you believe it's Julia Stiles??? If Julia Stiles can't get a date what chance do the rest of us have????
THANK GOD IT'S FRIDAY: Really bad '70s Disco movie with somewhat decent soundtrack that includes Oscar winning Best Song Last Dance by DONNA SUMMER. She's in the movie too. She's an aspiring singer who is trying to sneak her demo tape on the air while the DJ isn't paying attention. The Disco is full tonight. We have lothario lady killer Jeff Goldblum (Yes, Jeff "THE FLY" Goldblum!) trying to pick up a wife who is there trying to let loose with her dull hubby on their anniversary. We have two teen girls, one of which is BERLIN's Terri Nunn, trying to get in without I.D. so they can win prize money in the dance contest to buy KISS tickets with. We have Debra Winger trying to get lucky. And we also have THE COMMMODORES! Should be a lot of fun, right? Nope. Just one goofy misadventure after the next. The highlight of the film is when Donna finally gets to sing. But that's not til the very end.
THAT DARN CAT (1995): One of the Top Ten Worst Movies I Have Ever Seen. This dreck re-make stars Christina Ricci as the cat's owner and  Doug E Doug as comic relief. The original THAT DARN CAT wasn't all that but it looks like GONE WITH THE WIND compared to this.
THEY: I hate when the beasties in Horror movies are hidden in the shadows and the darkness. That's how it is in THEY. You really gots to squint to see the "They". Nothin' you ain't seen before.... and done better
"It's such a fine line between stupid and clever"- THIS IS SPINAL TAP
Ain't it the truth! Martin Lawrence, who is giving Chris Tucker a run for his money as the un-funniest black man in America, writes, directs and stars in this movie as a ladies man charmer no woman can resist. (Don't you just hate when the guy who wrote the script casts HIMSELF as a Casanova no woman can say "No" to? Think PRINCE in UNDER THE CHERRY MOON) He makes a bet with his friend that he can get any woman. Even Lynn Whitfield. (Is it just me or does she have an odd shaped head?) And he does, in fact, score Lynn Whitfield. But the problem is now he can't get rid of her. It starts out comedic and then goes for a nastier FATAL ATTRACTION turn and the laughs, as if there were any, die out.
Thir13en Ghosts: Sigh. Yet another thinly related "re-make" of an old black and white Horror flick. That guy who plays MONK, the girl who played the trampy Foreign Exchange student in AMERICAN PIE, some little kid and Matthew "Shaggy" Lillard are trapped in a house that has thirteen haunted spirits in it. Only if you wear the "special glasses" can you see the ghosts. All I could see was the inside of my eyelids. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
THOMAS AND THE MAGIC RAILROAD: Another one for my Top Ten Worst Movies list. No-longer-cute child star Mara Wilson is a young teen going through the gawky stage here . She stars in this terrible tyke movie based on SHINING TIME STATION charactors. But don't worry: She's in "good company". Peter Fonda is in it looking like he wishes someone would come along and put him out of his misery. He's not faking enthusiasm like Alec Baldwin is as Mr Conductor. (Can a middle-aged man suddenly go gay overnight? If so I'm a -thinkin' that's what must have happend to Alec Baldwin). I have never in my life been so embaressed for a celebrity as I was while I squirmed in my chair and watched Baldwin fart daisies in this film. I almost wanna tell you to watch it so you can be so utterly beside yourself while viewing his performace. I was embaressed for us both! He may have had an obligation to star in it but nobody was holding a gun to my head and MAKING me watch it!
TOM BOY: Betsy Russell is a female mechanic named Tommy who is teased by the boys because she'd rather ride a motercyle, shoot hoops and work on cars at the garage she's employed at than make time for romance. She's a seventeen year old girl! She should be out having sex somewhere! I must agree with them: Having a body like Betsy Russell and not sharing it with the world is like Picasso refusing to paint! Tommy has a poster of a famous, male race car driver she has a crush on hanging in the garage and, lo and behold, being a movie, he shows up at the garage one day. Sparks fly!  The two fool around playfully and then full throttle fool around.(Yes, we get to see The Russell Twins). The guy is interested in racing the car that Tommy has built. She says "okay" but teases that she's a better driver than him. Someone decides they should race eachother to see who the better driver is. Now Tommy's torn: Should she take a dive and let the man she loves win or kick his butt and show him that girls do indeed rock. I don't think I have to tell you who wins the race. Will the couple still be a couple? Tommy smiles like she's in a MENTOS commercial and says "Maybe" and the credits roll so I don't really KNOW if they stayed together or not. If I had to wager a bet I would say they probably did. But that's only a well educated guess. It's not like I'm losing sleep over it or anything. I swear!
3 NINJAS KNUCKLE UP: There might have been a decent 3 NINJAS movie somewhere in the deck. I'm not sure. This is the only one I ever saw. And it suuuuuucked! Kiddie martial arts slapstick film in which three little kids take on grown up "bad guys". HOME ALONE only with three annoying little boys instead of one!
TIMES SQUARE: A movie I wanted to love. Really. But it's just so stupid!  The mayor's teen daughter Trini Alvarado speaks up during her father's speech about the evils of Times Square. This gets her thrown in the teen loony bin. There she meets live-wire Punk Rock girl Robin Johnson (Think JOAN JETT meets SUZI QUATRO). Together they break out and become squatters in an empty building in the city. They run around Times Square listening to bitchin' '80s tunes from the rockin' soundtrack and having kooky adventures like stealing wigs and trying to rob someone but blowing it by bluffing the mugger's phrase and saying "Freeze or I'll brain your blows out" instead. They start a weird new style of music that is sort of a cross between beatnik poetry and Grunge, dress up in GLAD garbage bags, make friends with a DJ (Tim Curry) who Trini shags and become underground celebritys of sorts. This is all fine and good but what Trini doesn't know is her friend is wanted for the "murder" of the last girl she was best friends with. They hold an im promptu "farewell concert" atop a building at Times Square and when the police come to get the crazy girl she jumps off the building, lands in a garbage bag held by a group of fans and lives! And escapes! The moral of the story is that free spirits can't be broken. I think. This movie stinks but, like I said, the soundtrack is awesome!
TOTAL RECALL: I don't understand half of Arnold Schwarzeneggar's movies (And I don't understand half of what he says! Bada bing!) Maybe his movies are too "deep" and "complicated" for me? Nahhhhh! It's just that when stuff like TOTAL RECALL steps up to the plot heavy "Are you paying attention?" level it just makes me yearn for the simpler CONAN days. In this flick Arnold is an Earthling who dreams of his adventures on Mars. Are they just really vivid dreams or are they indeed flashbacks of a real life Arnold once led? Well, I'm gonna try to explain this to you but bare with me: I'm STILL not sure this is what's really supposed to be going on in TOTAL RECALL. After Ahnuld gets into a kickboxing row with his "fake wife" Sharon Stone he "breaks through" his fake life and goes back to Mars where he finds he did indeed once live there with a different wife but now she and everyone else has pretty much turned against him. But is it really HIM they hate or is it a fake Arnold that's been walking around in his place? Huh???? Keep eyes opened for a bar that rivals the cantina in STAR WARS and the three breasted whore (Men always seem to best remember this scene. Wonder why!) This is a confusing, Sci-Fi, special effects-laden mess. I hate movies that make me think! I like to see Arnold walk around in sandals and a loin cloth, allegedly grope people and run California! Now that's entertainment!
TOYS: Huge dud about an eccentric toymaker who croaks and leaves his beloved toy factory to people who are more interested in making weapons than toys. There's a message in there somewhere. I think "toys" represent "fun" and "peace" and "weapons" represent "hate", "war" and "blowing some f*ckin' Arabs heads off". Did I get that right? Of course, Robin Williams is the goofy, kind hearted son of the toymaker who wonders why he wasn't left the toy factory. That's a good question: Why wasn't he? He's so obviously the only one who wanted to run it in the over-the-top Wonka-esque way the toymaker wanted. Parents! Sheesh! There's no pleasing 'em!
TRAUMA: A young man stops a striking young girl from trying to kill herself. She's Asia Argento, the director's daughter and she's also got a crippling case of anorexia. He becomes her hero of sorts, protecting her. That's a good thing cuz there's a killer on the loose hackin' people's heads off! This movie is by Dario Argento, Italian Giallo Master ("Giallo" is pretty much a fancy word for "Horror"). He usually makes bizarre, bloody movies that are pretty unusual and the reasoning behind who the murderer is and why they murder is usually very interesting. Usually. But not here. When we finally find out the back story about the killer and why they kill we pretty much throw our hands up in the air and scream "Oh, Come On!". For better, twisty Argento creep-fests rent SUSPIRIA or CREEPERS (aka PHENOMENA).
TRIAL AND ERROR: The luckiest day of Michael Richards's life was when he scored the role of "Kramer" on SEINFELD. Need proof? Just watch any other film or TV show he's been in. Start here with TRIAL AND ERROR a flick he made at the peak of SEINFELD's popularity. He plays an actor and the best friend of Jeff Daniels (Who, like Bill Pullman, I believe will take any part offered to him. Any part!). Jeff is a lawyer who is hung-over from a bachelor party he went to last night. Michael decides to do what a "good friend" would do and pretend to be his friend and act as lawyer on the case. This will prove his great "acting skills". Well, don't you know it, the case gets held over and Michael has to keep the charade up for days and days, hoping not to trip anybody up to the fact he ISN'T really a lawyer. I laughed ONCE. At a joke about pennies.  Not at Michael Richards, Jeff Daniels or their steenky movie.
TWELVE MONKEYS: Confusing time travelling Sci-Fi flick stars Two Monkeys: Bruce Willis (Bald monkey) and Brad Pitt (Cute monkey).
200 CIGERETTES: A great '80s soundtrack looking for a movie, 200 CIGERETTES has a huge ensemble cast that includes many, many familar faces (Ben and Casey Affleck, Dave Chapelle, Christina Ricci, Martha Plimpton, Kate Hudson, Janeane Garofalo, Courtney Love, Elvis Costello......Really, I could go on and on forever).
It takes place on New Years Eve 1981 and everyone is getting ready for their Big Night Out. Some will meet, some will mate, some will meet and mate with Elvis Costello. The only problem is we don't really find ourselves liking ANY of these people and so their misadventures don't really sway us either way.  Martha Plimpton is like a rose growing out of a cesspool as a girl throwing a party she's afraid no one will actually come to.
TWO IF BY SEA: Dennis Leary CAN be funny and Sandra Bullock CAN be charming: Just not here. This flop is about husband and wife thieves who are hiding out with stolen art. Comic "highlight", which was shown in the commercials, has a shot of Leary shooting fish in a stream and then cuts to a shot of Bullock eating the fish he's "caught" and spitting out bullets. Rent THE REF for him and WHILE YOU WERE SLEEPING for her.
THE UNBORN: Brooke Adams is a woman named Virginia who suffers from depression because she has had multiple miscarriages. She desperatley wants to become a mother. You can tell cuz in every scene her hand is firmly grasped on either a cigerette or a glass of wine. An annoying, over-achieving yuppy couple  (Is there any other kind?) sends her to their fertility specialist who has an alarmingly high success rate helping couples achieve parenthood. He treats her with her husband's sperm that hubby neglected to mention has been "tweaked with" in the good doctor's lab. Virginia gets pregnant, gets sick, gets moody, grows  a disgusting, gaping, pulsating wound on her neck and can see the baby swimming back and forth under the skin on her stomach. What the Hell is going on?! Well, as you probably have already guessed, the doctor is a nut who impregnates women with his super home-made demon sperm so he can raise a new generation of mutant demon babys! How very Hitler of him! After Virginia gets a back-alley abortion her husband storms out on her and she starts to hear baby crys. She hops in the car and drives back to the back-alley where she got the abortion, looks in a dumpster and what do you think she finds in there? That's right! A bad, bad baby puppet! She brings it home and nurses it lovingly. That is, until it jumps out of her arms and starts attacking people. The little guy sure has got STRENGTH for someone who was just brought into the world a couple of hours ago. And he's a stealth motherf*cker too! He hides in the darndest places, just so he can pop out later and bite people's ankles. That little dickens! Virginia goes to the doctor's secret lab where she finds his hundreds of pods that contain his nasty killer unborn babys. She starts shooting and shooting and shooting. Dang, that gun has a lot of bullets. After all is said and done Virginia accepts defeat and makes peace with her bad, bad doll puppet.
This movie sucks but it does have some amusing cameos in it. Look for Before-They-Were-Famous stars Lisa FRIENDS Kudrow as a ravishing brunette nurse at the sperm bank ("I hope you're in the mood!") and comedian Kathy Griffin, before her plastic surgery, as a lesbian natural childbirth guru who gets attacked with a hammer.
UNCLE SAM: Uncle Sam Wants You! Dead!
Is nothing sacred? I guess not. Now that Horror movies have turned everyone from Santa Claus, snowmen, leprecauhns and Uncle Sam into blood-thirsty maniacs!
Uncle Sam is about a family whose uncle named Sam(!)  dies during the war. His body is shipped in a coffin to their home. They leave the coffin sitting in their living room for a couple of days like it's just another piece of furniture. It's a good thing they didn't bury the damn thing though cuz Uncle Sam gets resurrected somehow and walks the town killing all the un-patriotic jerks who live there!
UNDER SIEGE: Eye-rolling, Action flick stars Steven Segal, still pretty fit here, as a chef on a Navy battleship who bests criminals who try to steal nuclear weapons. His sidekick is girl-hired-to-jump-out-of-a-cake Erika Eleniak. When he says he can save the day she asks incredulously "You're a cook?" When he hands her a gun to use she simpers "I don't know how to use a gun" Oh yeah, that's right: She knows how to strip and tease c*ck but a GIRL knowing how to use a gun?! What was he thinking??? (See? It's eye-rolling moments like that that had me leaving the theater before the movie ended!)
UNDERWORLD: Kate Beckinsale, who would make a better mannequin than actress,  broods and pouts and struts around in a leather ensemble like she's working a Goth lingerie show. She's landed herself right in the middle of the war between the vampires and the werewolves. All the Horror show fight scenes are done with a computer, or should I say "overdone" with a computer, as the "special effects" will have you saying "So what?! That was obviously done with a computer! What's so impressive about that?" On hand is also a male love interest who is a "dude in distress" for Beckinsale to rescue and fall in love with. He is so devoid of looks and charms you will wonder why she risks it all to save his boring butt. If this is the future of vampire movies I miss NOSFERATU!
URBAN LEGEND: Okay, first up: The more you actually KNOW about Urban Legends the less this movie is going to work for you. Because you will know what's going to happen before it actually does! Even if you don't know your Urban Legends this movie is still pretty piss poor, The college students in teacher Robert Englund's Urban Legends class all are meeting untimely deaths that are staged in Urban Legend settings. We have a whole list of stereotypical teens at the college to choose from as well as the red herring creepy janitor. I'll give you a tiny hint to who the killer is: It's the person in the movie who is the worst actor/actress. By the time you get to the just plain sad POP ROCKS and soda scene it should be obvious. Oh, and by the way, the Urban Legend was that LIFE cereal's Mikey died mixing POP ROCKS and COKE....not POP ROCKS and PEPSI! Duh! As if this movie wasn't bad enough I heard it actually spawned an even worse sequel! Rent CANDYMAN instead.
U TURN: Sean Penn's car breaks down in the Arizona desert and The Crazies come rollin' on out. He meets a temptress played by JENNIFER LOPEZ who likes to "play games" behind her husband's back. That's all well and good but hubby is a crazy motherf*cker! So is, it would seem, everyone in town. In an Oliver Stone movie, just like in a Horror movie, when your car breaks down in the middle of nowhere just put your head between your legs and kiss your a** good-bye and hope the inevitable death comes quick and not too painfully!
VALLEY OF THE DOLLS: My sister Robin is gonna have my head for putting this one of the list. She loooooooooooooooooves it! It's a cheesy soaper about three women in show biz who are best friends. They all succumb to the evils of "dolls" (Drugs). It stars Sharon Tate, Barbara Parkins and Patty Duke. Out of the three of them  Patty Duke has the best charactor, a has-been named Neely O'Hara, and Duke puts the most over-the-top spin on her charactor. Highlights include Neely stealing an older grande dame celebrity's wig and flushing it down a toilet and Neely staggering down the street wasted rambling off the names of everyone she had to f*ck to become a star. When she comes to the end of the list she adds one more name, her own, and screams "Neely O'Hara! " over and over again. My actual favorite scene doesn't belong to Neely though. It belongs to the Dapper Dan who wins Sharon Tate over by singing the schmaltzy tune "Come Live With Me" . It's so bad it's almost enjoyable! They just don't make 'em like this any more....and there's a reason!
*  Followed by an even worse sequel called BEYOND THE VALLEY OF THE DOLLS that was penned by my hero, Roger Ebert. I love him. But not enough to lie about what I thought of his movie! It stinks!
VAMPIRE'S KISS: Nicholas Cage gives all, maybe even a little TOO much, in his over-the-top performance as a rapidly-going-insane, cockroach-eating, secretary -tormenting, vampire, madman. He met beautiful Jennifer Beals one night and they had a one night stand with her. After that night his life is never the same. It would seem that she was a vampire and she bit him and now he's turning into one too. Not slowly either. Cage isn't one for being subtle. He don't just chew scenery, he swallows it whole in an almost embaressing performance that makes you think he was aiming for us to question Cage's own sanity. But here's the loop: Is the movie really about a guy turning into a vampire or is it an allegory tale about a paranoid man's descent into mental illness?  Almost worth watching for Cage's terrible accent and watching secretary Maria Conchita Alonso flinch every time Cage makes a move. (And move he does: He gives Jim Carey a run for his money in the limbs-wildly-flailing department!)
VAN HELSING: Proof that technology is NOT always for the better. This movie shouldn't have even BOTHERED hiring actors. 98% of this film was cranked out of a computer. Why hire Hugh Jackman and Kate Beckinsale, star of the similarly computer concocted stinker UNDERWORLD.  What's wrong with this movie is actually seen in the way the movie unfolds: It starts out promisingly with what looks like an old school black and white Horror movie of yore and decends into watching something that looks a lot like watching my nephew play video games. Remember when Bela Lugosi as Dracula could walk into a room realllllly slowly and scare the crap out of you? None of the monsters in VAN HELSING are "real" or "slow". They are compter generated snarling demons who rage around the screen top speed. And who cares about all the "cool" things they can do? They're not "real"!  VAN HELSING will make you beg for the old school black and white UNIVERSAL monster movies.
VANILLA SKY: Confusing Tom Cruise crap in which he is a guy who has a "f*ck friends" relationship with a woman he doesn't love (Cameron Diaz). This is all well and good until he finds himself falling for another chick (Penelope Cruz) and not being able to blow the first chick off. She gives him an angry shpiel about when you sleep with someone your body is making a promise even if you don't. Uhhhhhhhhhhhh. Okaaaaaaaaaaaaaay. To spite him she deliberately gets them in a car accident and he's either scarred for life, dead or something else. Hell, I don't know! Here's a clue that Karl gave me that MIGHT make the movie easier to understand (But still won't make it good!): Any scene with a "vanilla sky" in it is Cruise's dream. Got that? No? Me neither. Nonsense junk and, oh yeah, it's too frickin' long too!
This was the last Tom Cruise movie I ever sat through and it will be the LAST Tom Cruise movie I EVER sit through! You best be believin' that sh*t!
THE VANISHING (1993): This is a re-make of a French movie that I thought was pretty damn over-rated. It was about a guy and his girlfriend on a road trip. At a rest stop she meets a stranger and the next thing we know she's been abducted. The male charactor then makes it his life's work to find her or at least find the madman who grabbed her to find out why he did it and what he actually did to her. Got that? More on them later.
In this American re-make Hollywood commits the sin it does whenever it re-makes a movie: It tacks on a happy ending! In this version Kiefer Sutherland's girlfriend Sandra Bullock gets abducted by Jeff Bridges. He meets a waitress played by Nancy Travis. This could turn into a romance if only he could get over past love Bullock. So he goes doggedly in pursuit of Bridges to find out why he grabbed Bullock and what he actually did to her.
Here is the difference between the two films and why the French version works and the American version does not:
SPOILERS: In the French version the boyfriend meets the madman, demands to know what he did to the girlfriend and finds out. Boy, does he ever find out! The madman burys him alive with a few matches and the guy panics in the darkness of the grave, lighting matches and gasping his last few breaths of air. In the American version Kiefer Sutherland is buryed alive. But, no biggie! Nancy Travis digs him back up!
VEGAS VACATION: Ya got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em. Sadly, the VACATION movies did not know when to fold 'em. The first one(NATIONAL LAMPOON'S VACATION) was funny, the second one (NATIONAL LAMPOON'S EUROPEAN VACATION) was funny, the third one ( NATIONAL LAMPOON'S CHRISTMAS VACATION) wasn't as funny but not without it's charms. VEGAS VACATION is just terrible and really just someone trying to squeeze out one last drop of juice and make a quick buck. The Griswold family goes to Vegas where nothing funny happens. They do meet Wayne Newton though. Danke Schoen!
VERY BAD THINGS: Very Bad Movie. This one gives the phrase "Black Comedy" a bad name . It also redefines the phrase "Poor Taste". A guy who is about to get married goes on a wild Vegas weekend with his guy friends. The whore stripper they have do a private show in their hotel room is accidentally impaled on a hook while having sex with one of them. Good thing the floors are marble one jokes, getting rid of the body shouldn't be that difficult. But wait: A security guard comes to the room to check out what all the noise is about. He stumbles across the dead hooker so they kill him too. Now they don't just have to bury one dead body in the desert. They have to bury two. (Are we having fun yet?) They bury the bodies and vow never to speak of the incident again. Of course this is easier said than done and whenever somebody in the group comes close to slipping the secret or someone outside the circle comes close to finding out they have to then be offed too. The whole thing snowballs out of control in the ugliest of ways. People the film thinks are just to off because they're "getting theirs" really don't deserve to die. An example of this is the bride-to-be, played by Cameron Diaz. Throughout the movie she's shown as a nervous bride  planning her wedding and going through bridezilla stages over things like the chairs at the wedding not being the right color. Because of that the poor woman deserves all the Very Bad Things that are dealt her way at the end??? Totally foul.
VIBES: I hate to admit I was really excited when I found out CYNDI LAUPER was going to be making a "Comedy". CYNDI LAUPER! How can it NOT be kooky? She plays a psychic who hooks up with potential love interest Jeff Goldblum (Why Jeff Goldblum? I guess they thought no one would believe a love story about CYNDI LAUPER and Mel Gibson!) who is also psychic. They go looking for a lost city of gold. I can not begin to tell you how unfunny the damn thing is. What a disappointment!
VIEW FROM THE TOP: Gwyneth Paltrow has a life-long dream of being the best damn stewardess in the world. I wanna take a moment here to tell you people that Gwyneth Paltrow turned down the role of "Rose" in TITANIC supposedly. Try squirming through stuff like SHALLOW HAL and VIEW FROM THE TOP and you'll be absolutely beside yourself wondering why.
VOLUNTEERS: Tom Hanks has made a lot of good movies. Sadly, he also made JOE VERSUS THE VOLCANO and VOLUNTEERS. But we can forgive him VOLUNTEERS cuz that's where he met his wfe so I guess it was fate leading him in that direction. Well, anyway, Tom Hanks, John Candy and Rita Wilson are in the Peace Corps in this one and it's not very funny.
VULGAR: I'm almost speechless here, Folks. Almost. VULGAR feels almost like a nightmare I had more than a movie I watched. I just can't believe anyone could write a script for it and that anyone could greenlight it and that any actors could agree to star in it! The story is this: There is a guy who is a party clown, meaning that he dresses up as a clown and entertains at childrens partys. But business is not good. He wants to make a little more money. He and his best friend come up with a great idea, or so they think: What if he entertains at adult partys too? So they put an ad in a VILLAGE VOICE type magazine advertising a clown that works adult partys. They use "Vulgar" as the clown's name so that people who throw bawdy partys will rent the clown and he can do comedy that our grandparents used to refer to as "blue". Vulgar gets a call to work a party at a hotel room. He shows up and upon entering gets bludgeoned. When he wakes up he realizes to his horror that this small, private party consists of him and a father and sons team who like to beat up and sodomize clowns! (Where they found the past clowns they have done this to, I have no idea!) They beat up, rape and all sorts of degrade Vulgar and, what's worse, they videotape the whole dehumanizing thing. I'm a little shakey on the details here but I think they threaten to kill Vulgar if he tells anyone about it. So he doesn't. Awhile later Vulgar, now just a kiddie party clown, has a moment of heroism and becomes a sort of hero celebrity. This should be great. Only the baddies get wind of it and call him up threatening to give the media the videotape! Vulgar doesn't know what to do and then five minutes later he realizes, oh yes he does: He kills the motherf*ckin' clown f*ckers! This is the kind of movie that makes you wanna wash your eyes out with bleach after you've seen it.
WAR ZONE: This one, like VULGAR, makes me wish I had one of those mind eraser things they used in MEN IN BLACK. If I could go back in time and erase having seen the two of them from my mind I would gladly do it. GUMMO too. But after that where would it stop? I would erase ALL the bad movies from my mind and not be here writing this book right now! WAR ZONE is about a poor British family with some real doozie skeletons in it's closet. Mom is pregnant and Dad has been spending a lot of time sneaking moments alone with teenage daughter. The fifteen year old son starts to think something weird is going on. He spys his sister and father in the tub together one day when he walks past the bathroom window. Her explanation? "I was getting out of the tub, he was getting in". Brother doesn't buy it and starts to investigate. He soon stumbles across pornographic polaroids of his father and sister. Around now he realizes they have been having sex for years. It started out as incest when she was a child and now she just doesn't know how to stop it. I, the viewer, wondered why a girl this old (Sixteen?) hadn't cut the guys nuts off in his sleep yet. I think the reasoning is they are a poor, Engish family and Dad is their sole provider so they have to keep him around. Well, anyway, the film revels in really, reallllllllllly hard-to-watch rape, incest and sodomy scenes that make anything in DELIVERANCE and PULP FICTION look like BREAKFAST AT TIFFANYS. By the end of the movie SPOILER the newborn baby girl is in the hospital bleeding from parts I don't wanna mention. And NOW the son realizes something must be done to stop Dad. Gee, ya think?!
WATCHER IN THE WOODS: A Disney Horror movie, the first and last! American family that consists of Mom, Dad and two young daughters move to English manor: Horror Movie Delight: The place is huge and has acres and acres of land, and so it must be haunted. The creepy old lady who is selling the family the house (Bette Davis!) takes an instant liking to the oldest daughter (Lynn-Holly Johnson). That is because she bears a striking resemblence to the old hag's daughter Karen who disappeared many, many years ago. She was around the same age as the daughter here. No one really knows what happened to her.She snuck out to clown around with her friends one night and never came back.  Soon the older daughter is being haunted by breaking glass, flashes of "something" in the woods and strange SHINING-like writing on the wall that says NERAK. Hey, wait: NERAK is KAREN backwords! It is the old lady's daughter Karen trying to break through and make contact with the girl. This movie is not very scary and doesn't even make a Hell of a lot of sense. The ending was changed two or three times to no avail. Where was Karen all these years? Well, depending on which version you see she was either stuck in a time and space continuum or abducted by aliens! Whatever. I really want to watch this film with Stephen Hawking and ask him where HE thinks Karen was all these years. Maybe he can explain that whole "stuck in another dimension" bullsh*t to me.  Supposedly the original "alien ending" was so poorly done with not-so-special-effects that the audience roared with laughter so they changed the end to the whole Karen being stuck in time thing. The movie does herald one good scene though: The young girl goes into a house of mirrors and instead of seeing her own reflection she sees Karen's reflection in all the mirrors. Yikes! The rest of the film is a prime example of why DISNEY DOESN'T make Horror movies!
WATCHERS: Corey Haim and his Mom move to a new town where Corey befriends a stray dog. The dog, it ends up, was part of a military experiment and is super intelligent. (Compared to who: Corey Haim?) This dog will really come in handy because there's a monster on the loose! Laugh your a** off as the dog leaps and lands in slow motion. I wanna take a moment to mention that this story is based on a book written by alleged "Horror writer" Dean R. Koontz. Dean R. Koontz, in my personal, well-educated opinion, sucks!
WATERWORLD: Oh, here we go again. If you build a huge, big budgeted, nonsense movie he will come. I speak, of course, about Kevin Costner, ever the hero. No one loves to put him up on a pedestal more than he himself. Man, I'd love to launch him and Dean R. Koontz into space right through the Hawking hole where Karen was stuck for forty years! This time around Kevin's in the future. The whole world is surrounded by water. There is a little boy with a map tatooed on his back. A bad-a** played by Dennis Hopper (Again!) wants that map. Kevin ain't gonna let that happen. I had to ask my husband what the map was TO and he said "Land". I honestly don't remember. These Costner flicks just make me fall asleep. To this day I can't tell you anything about FIELD OF DREAMS, THE POSTMAN or WATERWORLD. I do remember thinking that the little kid looks like something they stole from a better MAD MAX movie. I also came to the conclusion that whenever a movie needs someone to play a crazy, bad-a**, madman they will either hire Dennis Hopper or Christopher Walken. If they're both busy they get Gary Oldman. And if he's busy too they begrudgingly settle for Willem Dafoe
WAX, OR THE DISCOVERY OF TELEVISION AMONG BEES: One of the ten worst. There are a handful of hoity-toity "intellectual" types out there who claim to have understood WAX. To those "brilliant minds" I have only two things to say: It's time to put down the pipe and it's time to get your head checked. This movie makes no sense! And you can tell it had lofty goals of telling quite a tale! The story, I think, is about a guy who makes missles for a living. He is also a bee keeper. It's a family tradition, the bee keeping. Well, one day the guy realizes that the bees, THE BEES, have drilled a hole in his head and put a television there so they could transfer little visions and messages to him. The bees are trying to tell him something. Some kind of anti-war message, I think. Because the guy makes missles for a living. By the way, halfway through the movie the guy turns INTO a missle looking for the target it's supposed to hit. And, oh yeah, the bees are in a cave that holds the souls of the future dead who are, are you paying attention?: The bees theselves. Got all that? No. Don't worry. Neither did I. WAX will have you screaming "What the f*ck?!" and not in a good way. There are people on the IMDB message board for WAX that claim that watching it taught their pets to talk. Now THAT is funny! Spare yourself sitting through the movie and just go to the IMDB board and read the insane reviews.
WAXWORK: This movie should have been great. No cigar though. It's about a group of '80s teens (Including VALLEY GIRL's Deborah Foreman and GREMLINS' Zach Galligan) who are walking past the new wax museum when a hysterically dressed man who looks like he fell out of IRON MAIDEN invites them to the wax museum's opening night. It's a big deal, only a few select guests are invited. So they go and one by one they find themselves getting sucked into the displays. One guy has to fight off a werewolf, the trampy girl gets seduced by a vampire and virginal Deborah Foreman gets whipped by the Marquis de Sade...and loves it! Begs for more! At the end the teens all must fight the monsters that have all become real. B level Horror flick that doesn't pass muster. It's better than it's sequel though.
WAXWORK II: LOST IN TIME: Jokey parody of Horror movies really misses the mark. Even Bruce The Man Campbell drops the ball here in a really unfunny segment where he is torn apart. Literally. Great potential but never quite scores.
Lots of cameos, all for naught.
WEEKEND AT BERNIE'S II: I actually liked the first one. Should have left well enough alone. Once again, Bernie, who should be covered in maggots and falling to pieces by now, is dragged around on a beach. He has a voodoo hex put on him so that when he hears music he starts to dance. Did I mention he's dead? Totally stupid, unneccesary sequel.
WELCOME HOME, ROXY CARMICHAEL: Adopted teen Winona Ryder, a misfit in a small town, starts to piece together that returning home town celebrity Roxy Carmichael might be her birth mom. The whole town is excited and racing to catch a glimpse of Roxy in person. At the end someone thinks to ask what Roxy is so famous for. It seems that she was the inspiration for a song in her younger days (Think Rosanna Arquette and TOTO's hit Rosanna). You mean that's it? It ends up SPOILER that Roxy isn't this girl's mom anyway so the whole film is sort of a lot of running around for nothing. Pretty crappy.
WELCOME TO 18: Three teen girls who just graduated (Mariska Hargitay, Counrtney Thorne-Smith and Jo Ann Willette) head to Nevada ranch to have some fun. Sooner than later they meet seedy trouble. Their host is videotaping them in the shower! Their friend is a prostitute! And so it goes. A "good times girls-just-wanna-have-fun romp" without the good times and the girl's having any fun.
WELCOME TO MOOSEPORT: Everybody loves Raymond. Well, at least his TV show. This movie, starring Ray Romano, is about a small town man deciding to run for mayor against a former president (Gene Hackman) to win back his girlfriend that he's been putting off marrying's love. Not very funny.
WES CRAVEN'S DRACULA 2000: This film brought to you by VIRGIN. Shameless VIRGIN placements abound. Aside from that, pretty much the same sh*t you see in your standard modern day vampire flick. Pretty damn bad.
WET HOT AMERICAN SUMMER: Embaressingly bad send up of '70's and '80's camp flicks, in the vein of MEATBALLS not FRIDAY THE 13TH. Usual shenanigans about counselor's trying to get laid. If you've ever wanted to see Michael Ian Black make out with another guy (And who wouldn't?) this may be your only chance. A great cast is wasted in a really stupid movie.
WHAT A GIRL WANTS: Cookie cutter teen-girl-meets-her-long lost-fill-in-the-blank film in which Amanda Bynes, raised by her bohemian mom Kelly Preston, finally meets her father who just happens to be an English lord. Mom has never married and Dad's fiancee is a real b*tch. You can just guess right there how this thing will end.  A blend of THE PRINCESS DIARIES and any youth movie where Daddy's wicked fiancee is trying to get rid of his free-spirited daughter (THE PARENT TRAP, IT TAKES TWO, A CINDERELLA STORY etc.). Includes painfully un-funny dialogue and mannequin Amanda modeling two or three dozen different ensembles. A real bore. Rent FREAKY FRIDAY instead and see it done right.
WHERE THE BOYS ARE '84: They're just four fun lovin' gals on spring break in Fort Lauderdale looking to either get laid, find Mr Right, or both!  They are big believers in traveling light: As long as you have booze, drugs, your diaphragm and some change to make an emergency phone call you're good to go!  The "teens" here are played by Lisa Hartman Black, Lorna Luft, Lynn-Holly Johnson and Wendy Schaal. They don't look a day over thirty! Film's "highlights" are a ridiculous Hot Body contest featuring a cucumber and a lesson in seducing a man using a male inflatable doll. ("Pretend it's Richard Gere!" Okay, Where's the gerbil?) Almost so-bad-it's-good in a way that sort of makes you shake your head in disbelief while watching it. Love that cheesy floating piano finale!
THE WHOOPEE BOYS: Two crude, nasty boys (Paul Rodriguez and Michael O'Keefe) try to pass themselves off as high society while on vacation. Only memorable scene features a turkey getting lewd things done to it while Rodriguez sings" F*ck Me Amadeus".
WHO'S THAT GIRL?: It's MADONNA, who sounds like she's been sucking helium. She's a just-released prisoner sort of trying to go straight. She gets in trouble anyway. Not MADONNA's finest moment as she parades around in bleached blonde white hair, jet black Groucho Marx eyebrows, stupid looking tu-tu outfits and a voice she borrowed from CYNDI LAUPER.
WICKED STEPMOTHER: The last film Bette Davis made. I assumed she died while filming. Nope, she took a second look at the script and ran for the hills. Good for her! Movie starts out hysterically and five minutes in starts barreling down hill at rapid speed. Bette Davis is the newly married wicked stepmother whose charactor splits half way through the film and is replaced with a sexy, young cat babe. Row!  Should have been totally scrapped the day Davis left the set but this patched together silly mess of a soup made it to video shelves anyway. Look for an embaressed looking Tom Bosley who looks like he wishes he had gotten a ride off the set with Bette.
THE WILD: This Disney flick had the misfortune to come out right after the movie MADAGASCAR, another stinker about New York City zoo animals having an adventure where they travel to a jungle.
People who claim to be "in the know" state that Disney had the idea first, but since it took them five years to make THE WILD, MADAGASCAR beat them to the theaters first.
Wait a minute: They had FIVE YEARS to make THE WILD and this is the best they could do?!
I guess the people at Disney figure if they steal from their own movies it isn't really "stealing" because THE WILD feels a whole lot like THE LION KING and FINDING NEMO. It is about a lion cub named Ryan The Lion who lives with his father Sampson (Of course he doesn't have a mother: This is a Disney flick!) in a New York City zoo. They are friends with the other animals who consist of a macho squirrel, a feminist giraffe and an obnoxious koala bear with an English accent(!) that I just wanted to reach through the screen and strangle.
People flock to the zoo to buy talking Obnoxious Koala Bear dolls and to see majestic beast Sampson and hear his mighty roar. Sampson is trying to show Ryan how to roar, but Ryan doesn't have the cojones to roar yet and just wishes his dad would get off his back. Ryan, because he has been raised in captivity, is a bit of a wimp. His father has a few shameful secrets too, none that he's willing to tell Ryan or anyone else about. He prefers to be a hard-a** poser who lets Ryan suffer in silence. (Nice guy, huh?)
One day Ryan decides he's going to run away to the jungle so he gets onboard one of the trucks that is used to rescue animals from the wild. As the truck begins to drive off Ryan has a change of heart and starts to scream for his father, who hears his cries and then rounds up the other animals so they can all go rescue Ryan.They go through New York City at night and, surprise surprise, it's totally empty save two or three cars(!) Oh, and the sewer alligators. Yuck yuck. They are chased by nasty poodles, somehow get aboard a tugboat and ride it all the way to Africa. (Amazingly, it never runs out of fuel!)
The animals in THE WILD are voiced by some well known actors, such as Kiefer Sutherland, Jim Belushi, Janeane Garofalo and Eddie Izzard. None of the voice work is very good and none of the charactors are very likable, especially that damn koala bear.
Well, anyway, once in the jungle theanimals have many misadventures. The koala bear stumbles upon a herd of animals (Wildebeast?) that worship him as their king and he goes all Lord Of The Flies and Sampson finds amazing chameleons who can make things turn invisble and cause him to have mild hallucinations (???) that help lead him to Ryan.  By the end of the movie the day is saved by Ryan's roar (He "found" it!) and the animals head back to the zoo in their tugboat. Ryan and his father have bonded (Like CHICKEN LITTLE and HIS dad!) and all is well with the world.
This movie is painfully unfunny and the script is nothing you haven't seen before. It saddens me that Disney is now cranking out stuff like CHICKEN LITTLE and this.
WILD AT HEART: David Lynch chronicle of troubled romance between "perfect lovers" Sailor and Peanut. Yes, I said "Sailor and Peanut". I'm also gonna say "Nicholas Cage". You've been warned.
WIRED: Terrible and grim account of John Belushi's descent into his drug addiction that caused his death way before his time is sloppily made all the way around. Special mention must be made of the guardian angel cab driver that somehow keeps popping up. What the Hell was that all about? "Depressing" is not the word.
WISDOM: Emilio Estevez is a modern day Robin Hood, robbing banks with Demi Moore so he can help out poor farmers. Why? Why not? I can only guess that they made this film while dating and thought it might be fun to play "Bonnie and Clyde light". I really hope they held on to that ST ELMO'S FIRE money.
THE WIZ: Misguided attempt at making a "modern '70's", "black version" of THE WIZARD OF OZ is terribly dated when you try to watch it now, not that I would recommend it. How can a movie with such star power as DIANA ROSS, MICHAEL JACKSON (When he was black!), Richard Pryor and LENA HORNE be such a crashing bomb?Instead of Kansas THE WIZ takes place in New York, but not the beautiful, breathtaking New York we saw in such flicks as HOME ALONE 2. This is a dismal, dreary New York. Maybe it was the part that, as a white fairly priveleged child, my parents never let me see. It's more "ghetto" than "ghetto fabulous". Dorothy lives with her family in a Harlem apartment. Instead of being a young girl Dorothy is a spinster thirty-something grade school teacher. Her parents are trying to throw her out of their house and telling her to "Get a real job!" Niiice. When Toto runs outside during a storm Dorothy chases him and is brought to Oz by not-so-special effects. Everyone there is a jive-talkin' black stereotype. (Check out those black crows that seem to have been lifted right out of DUMBO. I found this scene totally mortifying and I'm not even black!)  The cast sings a bunch of uncomfortably bad songs that will make you cringe and try to make their way to The Wiz to get a heart, a brain, courage and back home. To the home Dorothy's folks just threw her out of, I guess. All the way through too-old-for-the-role DIANA ROSS crys, whines and whimpers. Even her singing ain't all that!. This is one of those movies where you are tempted to either fast foward or turn it off altogether. I stuck it out just to see if it got better. It didn't. I wonder how many black kids saw this and resented how the white WIZARD OF OZ got the colorful, cheerful treatment and all they got with THE WIZ was dark, dismal, depessing dreck!
WOLF CREEK: This movie is an Australian take on DELIVERANCE / FRIDAY THE 13TH: Don't go camping, Kids, There is a madman out there with super-human strength who wants to kill you and nothing can stop him!
The first forty minutes of WOLF CREEK are used for "charactor development". We get two know two young girls and their guy friend who are going on a camping trip / road trip in Australia. Apparently, they never saw that movie where the dingo ate Meryl Streep's baby because they are getting drunk and high and passing out under the stars.
Do I even have to tell you they experience car trouble? Unbeknownst to them their car has been tampered with and that explains the car trouble. Still, I found myself yelling "What a shocker!" when their car sputtered and refused to start up and they started looking at eachother nervously and going "Oh crap. What do we do now?"
Another car pulls up on them in the middle of nowhere and out pops a more-than- helpful gent who offers to give them a tow up to his place. They can worry about fixing the car tomorrow. They accept.
Back at his place they get drunk with the guy drinking HIS booze, even though they have their own. Being from New York I know that you should never drink anything offered to you by someone you've known, oh, less than five years. They do anyway and then they pass out under the stars.
In the morning one girl, we'll call her Chick #1, wakes up and finds herself bound and gagged and tied up in Helpful Guy's garage. He had put something in their drinks. That b*stard! But wait: It gets much worse: She peeks into the next room and sees him in there with her friend, who we'll call Chick #2. He's got her tied up and he's threatening to shoot her, slice her up, rape her or all three. We know the guy is serious because he has a bunch of dead bodies hanging on hooks like TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE, another film this one rips-off. The bodies belong to his past victims he's "helped" on the road and brought back home to taunt and torture.
Chick #1 starts a fire in The Killer's garage, he goes to investigate and she runs in to try to free Chick #2.  He walks in on them and starts to all sorts of harass them.
All movie murderers are sick f*cks with a sense of humor and this guy is no exception. When one of the girls pulls a Swiss Army knife on him he cracks" You call that a knife?", pulls out a machete and croaks "Now THAT'S a knife!", reminding us of CROCODILE DUNDEE the last half-way decent movie to come out of Australia and that was, what?, Over twenty years ago?!
Somehow Chick #1 gets The Killer's gun and shoots him with it. The two chicks run off leaving The Killer lying on the ground. Do I even have to tell you he's not dead?! People, if I've said it once I've said it a thousand times: Do Not Ever Leave The Killer With His Head Still Attatched! Cut that sucker off! If this ever happens to me, and it WON'T cuz I refuse to go camping after watching all these frickin' Horror movies, I am SO cutting The Killer's head off and carrying it around with me!
The girls steal one of The Killer's many cars and drive off to look for help, leaving behind their male friend, that one of them is supposedly in love with, who is in the house nail-gunend to a wall with a pack of angry dogs watching over him. Maybe they said they would come back for him later, I'm not sure: Everyone in this thing had a really thick Aussie accent. (Really: Whole conversations flew by me where I didn't understand a word!)
Driving down the road the girls notice headlights behind them. Help? Nope. The Killer? But of course!
They drive up ahead, jump out of the car and push it off a cliff so that The Killer will think that they drove over the cliff. At this point one girl stands on the edge of the cliff in plain sight laughing uproariously while the other one trys to shut her up. Then they crawl over the side of the cliff and hang there like Stallone in CLIFFHANGER. The Killer gets out of his car and starts pussy-footing around looking for them. While he's out of the car they sneak in and start to drive away. But wait: Through a series of events THAT car gets f*cked up and they decide that rather than just take their chances on foor that they want to go back to his chamber of horrors and get another one of his cars.
So Chick #1 sneaks back to his garage to get one of his many cars. While there she stumbles across a stash of videos and a VCR so she decides to stick around long enough to watch them. (WHY????) As you can probably guess, the videos are of all the other roadside suckers the guy has picked up and taken back to his place for slaughter. The Killer walks in on the girl watching the videos and makes quick business of her. Then he goes back to looking for her friend. He finds her thumbing a ride and ices her, as well as the guy she was hitching a ride from.
While this is all going on the male friend who was hung like Jesus on a wall in The Killer's house somehow gets loose and makes it to a road where he's picked up by some legitimate Good Samaritan types who drive him to safety.
Then words scroll across the screen that tell us that the bodies of the two girls were never found and that The Killer got away with the murders because, get this, there was no proof.
Not the carcasses hanging around the house on hooks or the stack of videos lying around next to the VCR with all his murder victims starring in them or the fact that every car in his garage once belonged to someone who is now featured on the back of milk cartons. No proof. No DNA or anything despite all the blood, sweat, tears, bones and body parts that have spilt there. My daughter spilt a blue Hawaiian Punch juice box in her room weeks ago and there is STILL a stain on her rug. But this guy cleaned up his dungeon spic and span so that there would be no proof, huh? Gimme a f*ckin' break!
The first hour of WOLF CREEK is dull and the second half, which is pretty violent, is not very logical. (After escaping Chick #1 and Chick #2 go back. They GO BACK!)
Rent the '70s version of THE HILLS HAVE EYES instead and vow to never, never, go camping again!
WOO: Nerdy Tommy Davidson gets set up on a blind date with a wild woman named Woo, played by Jada Pinkett Smith. She raises all sorts of a ruckus like Kim Bassinger did in BLIND DATE. And, just like BLIND DATE, none of it's funny.
THE WRAITH: Sigh. If I told you THE WRAITH was the only bad Charlie Sheen movie I've ever sat through I would be lying. But Charlie Sheen is aesthetically appealing to me so I can forgive him almost anything. In fact, just saying the words "Charlie Sheen" makes me quiver like a schoolgirl. But THE WRAITH is just so stupid!  Teen Charlie and his car were trashed by hoodlums a few years ago and now a new guy, who looks just like Charlie(!), and his bitchin' new wonder car come to town to get even!  Totally '80s flick has good soundtrack, the gorgeous charms of Sherilyn Fenn and Charlie Sheen and tons of action to spare, but that doesn't mean it's any good.  Sorry Charlie.
WRONG TURN: It's a cross between DELIVERANCE and TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSSACRE when Eliza Dushku and a bunch of other stupid teens have their car break down in the sticks and find themselves being chased by crazy, cannibalistic tree people. I hated this movie! Do yourself a favor, rent DELIVERANCE and TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE instead!
YOURS, MINE & OURS (2005): Terrible, terrrrr-i-ble, laugh-free mess of a movie is a re-make of sorts of the old Lucille Ball - Henry Fonda movie from the '60's. That movie was actually based on the true story about a family with 18 kids named The Beardsleys. This version, which stars Dennis Quaid and Rene Russo (Who should both fire their agents), keeps the family's last name "Beardsley" and changes just about everything else. This movie takes libertys. Many.
A ship shape military man with a large group of disciplined kids marries his old highschool sweetheart, a slob hippie purse designer who has a bunch of wild ragtag kids, a few dogs and a pig. The couple has a quickie wedding, to which none of the kids are invited. Dad brings the new wife home, says "This is your new mother", buys a fixer-upper lighthouse and they all move in together. They fix up the lighthouse (Dad falls face first into everything from paint to puke) and squabble,. Should make for some wacky mayhem, right? Nope. The kids argue with eachother, scheme to break Mom and Dad up, end up finding out they all like eachother and then everyone pulls together to make the family a whole again.They laugh, they live, they learn, they love. You've seen it all done before and done much better. YOURS, MINE & OURS (2005) is simply dreadful. I can only guess that this movie was thrown together slapdash and rushed into theaters so that it could get the ticket buyers money before CHEAPER BY THE DOZEN 2 came out. This movie is proof that Hollywood should be absolutely forbidden to make any more re-makes.
YOU'VE GOT MAIL: Meg Ryan as cutsey woman who has an online flirtation with Tom Hanks, unaware that he's the big meanie who wants to buy out her Mom and Pop book store to put up a franchise book store. How many times can we see Meg Ryan play "cute"? This movie proved that you shouldn't attempt to go to the "Meg Ryan cute well" once too often. After a certain age a woman, even Meg Ryan, is just not "cute" anymore! Time to grow old gracefully, Meg!
* Is it not a sad state of affairs that my CLINKERS & STINKERS list is pages and pages longer than any of my other lists? Wow, so many bad movies, so little time!
** "One of my Top Ten Worst" is a phrase that pops up every so often in my reviews. When I started the LIVING IN THE PAST website I DID actually have a Top Ten List of The Worst Movies I Have Ever Seen (As well as my Top Ten Favorite Horror Movies, Cult Classics and Comedys. We didn't have a Drama or a Kiddie section back then). The problem is I like to think I have a Top Ten Worst Movies list in my head but every time I try to put it to paper I just can't do it. It always turns into The Top Thirteen Worst Movies or something because there are so many miserable "choice cuts" that I can't just commit to ten! The last list I compiled had about twenty entries in it. The problem, I think, is I had put movies that were painstaking to sit through like the remake of THAT DARN CAT in there and then when I would see a movie like GUMMO that raped the very soul of humanity I realized that as bad as THAT DARN CAT was at least it was harmless piffle and not something that made me wanna make myself concrete shoes and jump off the Brooklyn Bridge!
So as you read this list keep in mind that even though all these movies were awful in some way, shape or form, yes, some are truly worse than others. That is usually when the oft spotted "One Of My Top Ten Worst Movies" quotes will pop up as a sort of warning flag.
COOL AS ICE (The VANILLA ICE movie, yo!)
Mary Kate and/or Ashley Olsen
Antonio Banderas
Richard Greico
Eric Roberts
Wil Smith
Martin Lawrence
Tom Cruise
Kim Bassinger
Marky Mark Wahlberg
Pauley Shore
Tom Green
Chris Tucker
Freddie Prinze Junior
Ben Affleck
Jennifer Lopez
David Schwimmer
Gwyneth Paltrow
Richard Gere
Dean Cain
Jason Biggs
Steven Seagall
Jean Claude Van Damme
Tara Reid
Jenny McCarthy
Ashton Kutcher
Brendan Fraser
Sarah Jessica Parker
Jerry Lewis
The Three Stooges
Directed by Karl Petry (Who???)
Directed by David DeCoteu (Who??)
Directed by Woody Allen
Directed by Spike Lee

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