Save The Drama For Your Mama

Grab the KLEENEX, It's tear-jerking time!

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TITANIC: I'm sure you're already familiar with the story: Boy gets on boat, boy (Leonardo DiCaprio) meets girl (Kate Winslet), boy gets girl, boat gets hit by a glacier, boat sinks,  boy dies. This movie is overwrought with emotion: Unfourtanetly, the emotion it's overwrought with is "sadness"! Not only do we get to see one of the main charactor's die...we get to see whole boatloads of people get iced! Sound the five hankie alarm! I cryed BUCKETS during this thing.
Weep Factor: Five hankies....and then some.
E.T.: Little boy ( Henry Thomas) finds strange creature lurking in the back yard. He lures it back to his house using REESES PIECES as bait. He decides he wants to keep the alien as a pet. After all, it's so-ugly-it's cute! So he hides it in his room from his Mom and the Feds. But soon the little alien starts getting sick. Really sick. And it dies! But, don't worry: It comes back to life! (Too late though, cuz I'm already crying). At the end the boy realizes he has to do the right thing and let the alien go "home" to it's planet. When it does I cry some more.
Weep Factor: Four hankies.
TERMS OF ENDEARMENT: Mother (Shirley MacLaine) and daughter (Debra Winger) have rocky, love-hate relationship. That's pretty normal, right? No reason to cry over that. But, wait, the daughter's husband is a cheat! She can't afford her groceries! She hooks up with John Lithgow! She's sick! She's got cancer! She dies! I weep!
Weep Factor: Four hankies.
THE CRYING GAME: The IRA has taken British soldier Jodie (Forest Whitaker) as a hostage. If their fellow members of the IRA that are being held prisoner aren't released they are going to kill Jodie. So they stick Jodie in a shack in the woods with this Irish guy named Fergus ( Stephen Rea) as his guard. Jodie and Fergus get to talking and soon become sort of friends. Jodie tells Fergus about Dil, his girlfriend back at home. When Jodie dies Fergus decides to look Dil up.  (Don't ask me why. I don't know). Posing as a construction worker named "Jimmy", Fergus finds Dil, who is a hairdresser by day and nightclub singer by night. And that's all I'm gonna say. (Even though you probably already know ALL about the shocker "twist ending".) THE CRYING GAME: Truly a love story like no other!
Weep Factor: None, unless THE CRYING GAME happens to you.
MIDNIGHT COWBOY: Joe Buck (John Voight), a smalltown hick, who dresses like a cowboy, comes to New York City to become a gigilo. The good news is people DO wanna pay to have sex with him. The bad news is that the people who are willing to pay to have sex with him are all men.So sooner than later Joe is hustling to survive. He meets up with a crippled schemer named Ratzo Rizzo (Dustin Hoffman) and together they live in a condemned apartment building and become each others "family". Joe and Ratzo are trying to come up with enough money to get them to Florida. But, wait, Ratzo gets sick. Really sick. Be warned: The end will make you cry your a** off.
Weep Factor: Three hankies.
THE GRADUATE: Ben (Dustin Hoffman) has just graduated from high school and doesn't know what he wants to do with his life. At his graduation party one of his parent's tipsy friends, Mrs. Robinson (Anne Bancroft), asks Ben to drive her home. When they get back to her place Mrs Robinson throws herself all over Ben until he finally takes the bait and sleeps with her. He starts an affair with Mrs. Robinson. When The Robinson's daughter comes to town Mr. Robinson sets her and Ben up on a date. They end up hitting it off ....much to the chagrin of Mrs. Robinson. Any love triangle you've ever found yourself in will pale in comparison to Ben and the Robinson babes. Coo coo cachoo!
Weep Factor: Misty eyed sniffle
DRUGSTORE COWBOY: Matt Dillon and his friends rob drug stores to keep up their bad drug habits. Of course, things do not go well for them. JUST SAY NO, Kids.
Weep factor: None.
THAT WAS THEN, THIS IS NOW: A teenager named Mark (Emilio Estevez), who comes from a troubled family, moves in with his life long best friend Bryon (Craig Sheffer) and his mother. Together they stir up the usual trouble that teenage boys do: Hustling pool, picking up girls, etc. When Bryon starts getting serious with a girl he's going out with and starts to act more mature Mark doesnt know how to deal with it. Not only does Mark refuse to "grow up", but his bad behavior turns even worse. It turns criminal. This movie only has one major flaw and if you've read the book you'll spot it right away: Dude, what's with that "happy ending"?
Weep Factor: None. The book has a bummer ending though.
WHERE THE DAY TAKES YOU: Life in the day of teenage runaways in Hollywood. Some will succumb to drugs, some will succumb to teen prostitution and so on. Very gritty and realistic. Keep a box of KLEENEX on hand for the heartbreaking ending.
Weep Factor: Two hankies.
STAND BY ME: It's the '50's and four young boys (Wil Wheaton, River Phoenix, Jerry O'Connell and Corey Feldman) go on an adventure to look for a dead body that's rumored to be in the woods. Funny, sad and touching.
Weep Factor: Half a hankie.
MELODY: A boy and a girl fall in love and decide they want to get away from it all and run off together to get married. Did I mention they are eleven years old? Daniel (Mark Lester)  goes through his everyday home life and school life in a dull, routine way until he becomes friends with a "bad kid" named Ornshaw (Jack Wild) and falls in love with a little girl named Melody. (Tracy Hyde). An uplifting testament to the human spirit. One of it's many charms is it's excellent  pre-Disco BEE GEES soundtrack.
Weep Factor: One hankie.
MY GIRL: Little girl who lives with her father, who is an undertaker, learns all about life, love and death. Yes, I said "death". Macauley Culkin, swhen he was still young and cute, gets iced.
Weep Factor: Two hankies.
ICE CASTLES: (See Cult Classics) Ice skater girl gets temporarily blinded. Learns to live and love again!
Weep Factor: One hankie.
BRAVEHEART: The most bang for your buck, this movie has it all: Drama, Adventure, Romance. The story of how William Wallace (Played by a still hot Mel Gibson) fights for freedom in Scotland. "They may take away our lives, but they'll never take away OUR FREEDOM!"
Weep factor: Two hankies.
THE DEER HUNTER: Love. Marriage. Hunting. War. POW camp. Russian Roulette. Death. War is Hell, Folks.
Weep Factor: One and a half hankies.
PLATOON: War is Hell Part II.
Weep factor: Two hankies.
FORREST GUMP: The always fabulous Tom Hanks is Forrest Gump, a Southern simpleton who goes through the decades (The '50's through the '80's) meeting famous people and unwittingly finding himself in the middle of momentous historical events, all the while doggedly following his childhood sweetheart Jenny.
Weep factor: Two hankies.
LUCAS: Corey Haim (Years before he was selling his hair and teeth on eBay) played Lucas, a nerdy fourteen year old boy who falls in love with the new, beautiful sweet sixteen in town. Over the summer they become close as two peas in a pod but once the school year begins he finds himself having to share her with the other kids, including the cheerleader squad and hot football player Charlie Sheen. Lucas joins the football team to impress her but all he gets, for the most part, is hurt a lot.
Weep factor: One hankie.
DOGFIGHT: This movie is about a gorgeous Marine named Eddie (River Phoenix) and his best friends, who are also soldiers, and their last big night out before going to the war in Vietnam. They are planning a "dogfight" which is a contest to see which guy can come up with the ugliest date. The winner gets money from all the losers. In a coffee shop Eddie meets Rose (Lili Taylor) a nice waitress who is a peace-loving fan of folk music. The two have nothing in common. Eddie, in a rush to find a date for the contest asks Rose if she would like to go to a party with him. Rose, a plain Jane who doesn't get many chances with guys as hot as River Phoenix, is thrilled and accepts. She even gets dolled up for the big occasion. Eddie makes sure to help her "fix" her make-up so he can "ugly her up". Once at the party it doesn't take Rose long to realize the place is full of good looking soldiers and homely girls. One of the other girls at the party, who has agreed to be someone's date for half the prize money, clues her in on the cruel contest. Rose tells Eddie and the rest of the soldiers off and storms out. Eddie, feeling bad (And even sort of digging on her now) follows Rose home and begs for forgiveness. The two have A Night To Remember and then Eddie heads off to the war thnking it will be "no big deal".
Weep factor: One hankie.

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