At times in my personal walk with the Lord, I become painfully aware that I have begun to lose the simple, pure and loving perspective so necessary to our happiness in this life and the next, and it is only when the Lord reaches into my heart sets me straight that I truly see clearly. Have you ever felt that way? 

It's easy to get caught in a rut in this life. Especially when many things we are exposed to every day seem calculated to distract and discourage us from the path that leads to the noble and eternal destiny we are offered as sons and daughters of God. But we must never forget how great a price has been paid for us, and that God “is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him” (Hebrews 11:6). We must always remember that he “delight[s] to honor those who serve [Him] in righteousness and in truth unto the end” (D+C 76:5). It is amazing how the Lord reminds us in those moments of challenge, when the voice of the world seems to be too much with us, what our life really needs to be about.

I began this week with a greater awareness of a spiritual ache I have been feeling for some time now. I’ve learned to pay attention to such feelings because I’ve come to recognize that that is often the Lord’s way of calling me to repentance and to further refining of my spiritual path. My thoughts were full of deep and poignant feelings sparked by recognizing all of the wonderful and beautiful spiritual experiences with which the Lord has blessed me, and realizing that all of those blessings - every single one of them - was not anything of my own doing, but rather the result of a loving and merciful God pouring out His grace in my life. I have recognized this week more than I have before that my life is changed forever because I accepted God's invitation to know Him. And yet in the midst of this gratitude, I was troubled in my spirit and my heart also felt heavy. I wrestled with the Lord in prayer over an ache I could not explain at first...

And then I thought of all of the people in this world who either haven't heard that invitation yet, or haven't yet accepted it. I imagined the unknown ache in their own hearts that must certainly have surfaced from time to time; A sense that something was wrong, accompanied by the inability to discern precisely what that something was. I can speak with authority on that kind of ache. I felt it many times in my own life before the “change of heart” that brought me to “sing the song of redeeming love” (Alma 5:26). I am now quite certain that the Lord is working step by step to refine my soul, but in those moments of aching, it is sometimes hard to see that that's where He's taking you. Especially when you're not even sure who He is to begin with.

As I continued my pondering this week, I imagined God looking upon the people of the Earth from His heavenly view; Looking upon his Creation; Seeing his children exercising their free will to choose  things that will bring them some form of pleasure for a season, but ultimately emptiness and regret; Knowing the glory and joy that would be theirs if they would allow Him into their lives, and longing for them to heed the still small voice of his Spirit so that he might bless them. And I caught a glimpse in my heart of God’s love for his children, even as the record of Enoch in the Book of Moses expressed it:

And it came to pass that the God of heaven looked upon the residue of the people, and he wept; and Enoch bore record of it, saying: “How is it that the heavens weep and shed forth their tears as the rain upon the mountains?” And Enoch said unto the Lord: How is it that thou canst weep, seeing that thou art holy, and from all eternity to all eternity? And were it possible that man could number the particles of the earth, yea, millions of earths like this, it would not be a beginning to the number of thy creations; and thy curtains are stretched out still; and yet thou art there, and thy bosom is there; and also thou art just; thou art merciful and kind forever; And thou hast taken to thine own bosom, from all thy creations, from all eternity to all eternity; and naught but peace, justice, and truth is the habitation of thy throne; and mercy shall go before thy face and have no end; how is it thou canst weep? The Lord said unto Enoch: Behold these thy brethren; they are the workmanship of mine own hands, and I gave unto them their knowledge, in the day I created them; and in the Garden of Eden, gave I unto man his agency; And unto thy brethren have I said, and also given commandment, that they should love one another, and that they should choose me, their Father; but behold, they are without affection, and they hate their own blood; (Moses 7:28-33)

And then I imagined him looking on me. Seeing this treasure of a thing I carry within me called a testimony of the restored Gospel of Jesus Christ, and in my minds eye I pictured his face, aching for me to dig deeper and muster greater courage and resolve to share it with His children.

And then it hit me...

The weight of my responsibility to the world at large, to my friends, to my church, to my family; The pain of realizing that not everyone would accept what I had to share, accompanied by the knowledge that what I had to share was, often unbeknownst to those hearing it, the answer they were seeking; The knowledge that many around me were choosing counterfeit pathways to happiness only because they did not know where to find the real thing; The thought of how little time we really have on this Earth to make a difference in the lives of others, and how foolish I often am with my time given the dire need this world has of hope and faith, and the witness I have been given from the Holy Ghost.

I felt full of penitence and a desire to try harder. I felt sorrow for my weaknesses and inadequacies and felt I understood better the laments of Paul and Nephi when they exclaimed “Oh wretched man that I am.” (see Romans 7, 2 Nephi 4 ) Yet this was not despair I was experiencing (though it may seem that way from what I’m writing). Like Nephi, along with this penitent and humble sorrow in my heart, I also felt to proclaim “Nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted…Awake, my soul! No longer droop in sin…O Lord, I have trusted in thee, and I will trust in thee forever.” (see 2 Nephi 4 again). I wanted to be a better servant to my fellow men and share the truth of this Gospel more confidently, more firmly, and with greater faith; to rise to the standard I have seen in men of God both ancient and contemporary as I have studied their lives, their words and the choices they have made. They were not perfect men, but they knew in whom they had trusted.

Jesus warned that in the last days "because iniquity shall abound, the love of many shall wax cold." (Matthew 24:12)  We see this syndrome now in many places. We see the love and compassion in the world giving way in many hearts to lust, greed, pride, and, vain ambition. Iniquity does abound and the love of many is beginning to wax cold. The question for all of us is: What are we going to do about it?

Are we guarding ourselves from losing the genuine love of Christ in our hearts by surrounding our lives with that which is “virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy”? (Articles of Faith 13) Or are we content with the voice that tells us: “Eat, drink and be merry, nevertheless, fear God – he will justify in committing a little sin; yea, lie a little, take the advantage of one because of his words, dig a pit for thy neighbor; there is no harm in this; and do all these things, for tomorrow we die; and if it so be that we are guilty, God will beat us  with a few stripes, and at last we shall be saved in the kingdom of God.”(2 Nephi 28:8)  If it is the latter with us, this scripture in 2 Nephi also makes clear that such teaching is what constitutes “false, vain and foolish doctrine”, and we know we need to repent immediately.

Needless to say, by Friday last week, with all of these deep thoughts swimming around in my mind, I was dealing with some fairly heavy grist in my mill. I felt overwhelmed and sad. I felt sorrow for the world and for myself. I felt wholly unsuited to the enormity of the task and mission the Lord has called us each to in this life. There was a cloud obscuring my spiritual view and I felt like I was losing perspective.

But the next day I went to the temple. I had been praying fervently all that morning on my drive there, that He would open my mind and heart as I served in the temple. I was praying that He would restore the love of Christ that I longed to feel. I was praying that He would teach me the principles I needed to understand to put all of these thoughts I was having in proper perspective.

And it happened. As soon as I walked through those doors of the temple as has happened to me so many times before, the Lord began refining me in a powerful way. The first answer I received from the Lord came by way of the Temple President in a small meeting we have in the morning when we are getting ready to serve at the temple. He spoke of the love of Christ and the need for us as members, and especially as ordinance workers in the temple, to have that love constantly with us and to demonstrate it to every person to whom we minister in the temple. He spoke of the need to keep our hearts pure and our minds focused on Christ. The Lord bore witness powerfully to my heart that the words of this man were true and that I needed to pay heed to his counsel. I could feel the Lord softening my heart and answering my prayers as I listened to his lesson.

As the day progressed, I had many sweet and sacred experiences within those hallowed walls that further refined me and I felt my foolishness and pride begin to melt away and give place for the love of God in my heart.

Two men came in toward the end my time at the temple and this was the first time they had visited there. Each man was being sealed for time and all eternity that day to his wife. Tears of joy welled up in their eyes as they heard the sacred words so often uttered in the House of the Lord, and it was clear that they were spiritually prepared for that sweet and sacred experience.

I left the temple that morning refreshed spiritually. The dark cloud that had been hanging over me the evening before had dissipated and I felt that I could see clearly again.  As often happens after I attend the temple, I felt refined, more pure, more near to the heart of God. I felt a great gratitude for my Savior and a desire to live so as to honor and always remember the magnitude of the sacrifice He made for me. I left with a greater testimony of the sacred work that is done in the temple and of the eternal blessings that flow from God when we honor the covenants made in His holy house.

On the exterior of every temple are inscribed the words "The House of the Lord, Holiness to the Lord". As I pondered this inscription, my mind was drawn back to the words of the New Testament in 1 Corinthians 3:16-17 :

Know ye not that ye are the temple of God, and that the Spirit of God dwelleth in you? If any man defile the temple of God, him shall God destroy; for the temple of god is holy, which temple ye are.

As I pondered this scripture and the inscription on the exterior of the temple, it hit me that here was a concept that would right countless wrongs in the world.  If every woman and man in the world truly saw themselves as the temple of the Holy Spirit. If they truly went about in the world with "Holiness to the Lord" inscribed in their countenannces, if they always had "Holiness to the Lord" on their lips, if they guarded their hearts against any thought or desire that would drive "Holiness to the Lord" from their lives, oh how many things would improve in this challenging world! As this thought caught hold of me, I recommitted myself to let "Holiness to the Lord" be a constant guide and motto in my life.

So as you can see, the Lord answered my prayer in a powerful yet simple way, and had that been all he communicated to me by His spirit, it would have been sufficient in my view. But I quickly realized that the weekend was not yet over and He was not yet done with me. The Lord still had more to teach me.

As I attended church on Sunday, I felt full of gratitude and there was a special Spirit that attended me throughout our sacrament meeting. I felt as though the Lord truly wanted me to know just how much he loved me. As we prepared the bread and water in rememberance of the body and blood of Jesus that was given for us, I felt the a sweet spirit of penitence come over me. I felt to repent of all my mistakes and shortcomings. I felt the mercy and understanding of the Lord wash over me. I knew that I was forgiven. I realized that it had been some time since I had approached the sacrament with such reverence and awe and I felt to repent of my lack of appreciation. I realized that I had begun to take some things for granted in my life and in the process, had deprived myself of the sweet and sacred privilige of acknowledging before God that I had fallen far short of perfection; that "all have sinned and come short of the glory of God" (Romans 3:23). The Lord took the opportunity of using the symbols of the sacrament to remind me of this total dependence we have on Him for our Salvation.

But that was not the end of the Lord's instruction to me that day either...As our fast and testimony meeting went on, and I got to hear testimonies of a number of good members of our church, He continued to teach me by the Spirit, which dwelt powerfully in my heart. And as the sacrament meeting ended and I prepared for class I felt full of love for my brothers and sisters in that congregation of Saints.

Yet the Lord had something more to teach me still... The second hour, we had a lesson on the Lord's parables of the Prodigal Son and leaving the 99 to go after the lost sheep. As the lesson went on, my heart became more and more full. I could feel the Lord reminding me of His great mercy with me in my life in forgiving me of my sins and pulling me out of the spiritual darkness of my former life, and contrasting that with the new life I now have in Christ. I realized in a more powerful way than I have before just how amazing that rescue operation really was. Just how much it matters to me now and for eternity. At a certain point in the lesson, we were discussing the father of the man referred to in scripture as the prodigal son. We read aloud that tender exchange between a wayward son who realized the mess he had made of his life, and his longing, prayerful, forgiving father found in Luke 15:

And when he came to himself, he said, How many hired servants of my father's have bread enough and to spare, and I perish with hunger! I will arise and go tomy father and will say unto him, Father, I have sinned against heaven and before thee, and am no more worthy to be called thy son: make me as on of thy hired servants.

And he arose and came to his father. But when he was yet a great way off, his father saw him, and had compassion, and ran, and fell on his neck and kissed him.

And the son said unto him, Father, I have sinned against heaven, and in thy sight, and am no more worthy to be called thy son.

But the Father said to his servants, Bring forth the Best robe and put it on him; and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet:

And bring hither the fatted calf, and kill it; and let us eat and be merry:

For this my son was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found...

Tears rolled down my face as I sat in class and heard those final words of the ever merciful, ever hopeful father of this young man. "For this my son was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found." I had the image in my mind of my Father in Heaven saying the same thing of me when I returned to him in my heart and truly accepted his Son as my Lord and Savior.  I saw in Him the mercy this kind father exhibited for his wayward son. No scorn, no stern rebuke - only "Welcome home". Poignant are the lyrics of a song by one of my favorite Christian groups:

When I got tired of running from you
I stopped right there to catch my breath
There your words they caught my ears
You said 'I miss you son. Come home'
And my sins, they watched me leave
And in my heart I so believed
The love you felt for me was mine
The love I'd wished for all the this time
And when the doors were closed
I heard no I told you so's
I said the words I knew you knew
Oh God, oh God I needed you
God all this time I needed you, I needed you

        ~Matthew Thiessen (Relient K)

Everything in my life has changed from that decision I made to return to Him. I know that I am forgiven. The hope of what lies ahead for me and my family because of Jesus Christ burns within me and brings me joy even in times of challenge. I did not deserve this great gift. I was wholly unworthy of the Lord's attention at that time in my life when I found Him again, but that is the beauty of his unmeasurable Grace. When we repent and come to him with broken hearts and contrite spirits, He welcomes us home to His companionship and makes more of our lives that we could ever make of our own. I know from personal experience that God is real and ever present in my life, in the life of my family, in the lives of the Saints...

Wherever there are two or more gathered in his name, He is there. Wherever there is someone pouring out their hearts in prayer seeking guidance and direction He is there.

His heart is full of love and mercy for His wandering children that return to Him. There is no challenge too great for Him. No corner of the world so dark that He cannot find us out. If we seek Him with all our heart, might, mind and strength, He will come to us and lighten our burdens. He will guide us to truth.

I know that God is still very much an active part of this world today. I know that he calls Prophets to lead and guide his people. There are true Apostles on the earth again with the same authority that the Apostles held anciently. I have had too many witnesses from the Holy Spirit at this point concerning the divine origins and direction of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints to doubt what I know. And what I know, I know. Not because I was persuaded by a good rational argument. Not because I was convinced by an erudite theologian. But because I have experienced the witness of God, through the direct and unmistakeable Spirit to spirit communication of the Holy Ghost.  I have witnessed first hand the power and authority God has delegated to man on earth through His priesthood authority. I have seen hands laid and laid hands myself on the sick and they have recovered. I have heard words and spoken words given by the influence of the Holy Ghost and felt a witness in my heart of their truthfulness. I have heard a Prophet's voice and known by the Spirit that he was a man of God, authorized by Him to teach the things of God in the name of His Holy Son.  I have seen that Holy Son, Jesus lifted up in honor and worship as Lord and Savior, in sermon after sermon, prayer after prayer everywhere I have gone in the Church. He truly stands at the head of it and directs it's path and it's doctrine.

And my experiences are not unique. They are had by members of the Church all over the world, every day. So, though some of these things I have said may seem strange to some, I feel to declare with Paul that, "I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ; for it is the power of God unto salvation to every one that believeth..."(Romans 1:16). And I invite all people reading this to "Come...every one that thirsteth"(2 Nephi 9:50) and "drink of the...waters of life freely"(Alma 5:34).

And yet the world is also awash with voices that cry out, "Mormons aren't Christians!" and "Be careful of those LDS folks, thye're part of a dangerous cult."  I cannot understand such characterizations of my faith. It is a faith that has brought me so much joy and so much spiriutal fulfillment that my cup truly overflows; a faith that has brought me nearer to Jesus Christ than any other path I have been on in my life; a faith that has brought out the best in me, teaching me to be honest and love my fellow men and women as brothers and sisters; a faith that has always and ever taught and defended principles of gentleness, kindness, love unfeigned, purity, goodness, faith, hope and charity; a faith that has given me a tenderhearted awe and reverence for the supernal sacrifice the Son of God wrought for all of God's children who would accept him; and a faith that is sweet and dear to me as I have witnessed exemplars of these principles in the faces and lives of countless Latter-day Saints whom I have known and observed.

It should come as no surprise then when I see my faith characterized by others (whether well intentioned or not) as something other than it is in my intimate experience with it, my heart is pained. I wish that people could see things from the perspective of an actual Latter-day Saint and not the pages of books whose entire purpose is to tear down the things others hold sacred. Bearing false witness against your neighbor is always a sin, regardless of your reasons for doing it. If we can trust Jesus when he said that we will know whether a work is good or not by it's fruits, then I can know by the fruit that has been borne in my life because of my membership in this Church that it is good.

I have never objected to anyone sharing their beliefs with me when it is done in a spirit of love, genuine concern and respect, even when those beliefs were different from my own. I have, however, been greatly disappointed at times when people professing a Christian faith have made statements or accusations against my beliefs that were based on factually innaccurate or manipulated information. When Jesus was asked what the two greatest commandments were, his answer was succinct: Love God with all your heart, might, mind and strength; and love your neighbor as yourself. I feel this principle and sentiment is often conspicuously absent in literature whose purpose is to tear down the faith of another. By contrast, the official positions and teachings of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day saints have been remarkably respectful toward allowing others the right to worship according to the dictates of their own consciences. An emphasis is placed in our Church on teaching what we understand to be the truth, not on undermining the beliefs of others with philosophical, theoligical, or archelogical sophistries.

To be sure, there are also those genuinely concerned individuals of other faiths who are sincerely trying to help us understand things as they do, and to them I say: "I'm all ears!" If a person can teach me a principle that enables me to walk more perfectly with my Savior, and the spirit bears witness to me of it, I don't care what church he or she attends, I will live by that principle. Joseph Smith (the first President of our Church) was always fond of saying that any person who had a message to share with him, regardless of where they came from would have his pulpit all day. I tend to follow the same open attitude with others, always weighing what they share with me in light of what the Spirit has to testify about it and what I know already. Mormons seek out truth, wherever it can be found. I also share the sentiments expressed by Wilford Woodruff (another early President of the Church) with regards to how I should respect the faith of others:

When you go into a neighborhood to preach the Gospel, never attempt to tear down a man’s house, so to speak, before you build him a better one; never, in fact, attack any one’s religion, wherever you go. Be willing to let every man enjoy his own religion. It is his right to do that. If he does not accept your testimony with regard to the Gospel of Christ, that is his affair, and not yours. Do not spend your time in pulling down other sects and parties. We haven’t time to do that. It is never right to do that. (Contributor, August 1895, 636–37)

Whenever I tell people I'm a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I'm not sure what the reaction will be, often because I'm not sure where they've gotten their information. The way I see it though, it does no one any good for me to not be up front about the fact that I am a "Mormon". I know that that is a loaded word in some circles, but I think it is more often for reasons of ignorance and sensationalism than anything else. Those of you who are not members of my Church who read this blog probably understand by now that I am a sincere Christian. 

I see much good in my brothers and sisters of other faiths. I recognize the truth wherever I see it in action, and I see much of it in the lives of many in other denominations and faiths. Wherever I see faith in Jesus Christ, I encourage it. Wherever I see truth being taught, I rejoice in it. I don't deny any of that. Truth is truth. But I have a personal witness of my savior Jesus Christ that came to me because of my membership in this Church. It is through the teachings of this Church that I came out of the long dark night of sin and error in my life and found peace and faith. It is because of this Church that I began an earnest study of the Bible, Book of Mormon and other scriptures, that has borne incalculable fruit in my life. So what else can I do but testify of these things? To do any less would not be honest.

~ Mark

P.S. If anyone would like to attend Church with me, just email me and let me know. If you just want to find a chapel near you and go by yourself, you can go to www.mormon.org and click on the "Worship With Us" link. If you want nothing to do with my Church, but still like my blogs, that's dandy too :-). If you want nothing to do with my blog but still like my music, just stop reading now :-). If you want nothing to do with my music, please avoid me at all costs, because I'm wont to spontaneously burst into fits of song at unexpected moments. If you have questions for me (or challenges), I'd be happy to answer those as well.