lindasstoryinohio

Linda's Personal Story

I would like to take this time and give a great big hug to Linda for sharing her story with us. And just to let you know Linda this is a big step to take and you will make it tust me I no.

HI, AND THANK YOU....... I'M HOPING BY ME DOING THIS, IT WILL HELP, MY THERAPIST SAYS I GOT ALOT OF HEALING TO DO AND NEED TO FIND WAYS TO DO SO... SO .........I HOPE THIS ISN'T TOO LONG, IT FELT GOOD TO VENT, BUT YES I WOULD LOVE YOU PUT THIS ON YOUR SITE, AND I ENCLOSED MY EMAIL HOPING THAT SOMEONE CAN HELP ME AFTER READING THIS..... THANK YOU SO MUCH, I JUST DONT KNOW WHERE TO TURN ANYMORE AND I HOPE THIS HELPS ME SOMEHOW......... WELL, OK, HERE IT GOES................

MY PAIN

I WAS AROUND 8 YEARS OLD, I REMEMBER BEING RAPED IN EVERY HOLE, IN MANY WAYS, OVER AND OVER LAYING IN MY OWN BLOOD FOR OVER A YEAR... I TRIED TO STOP IT AND I COULDN'T... I WAS TERRIFIED. HOW CAN ANYONE DO THIS TO AN INNOCENT CHILD... IT FINALLY STOPPED AFTER A YEAR OR SO... I FELT SO ALONE AND RUINED.. I WAS THREATENED TO BE KILLED OR MY FAMILY KILLED IF I TOLD... I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO... FINALLY AFTER A COUPLE YEARS OF HOLDING THIS BURDEN IN, I FINALLY TRIED TELLING... WELL IT WAS HARD CAUSE MY OWN MOTHER NEVER BELIEVED ME, SHE THOUGHT I WAS COVERING UP FOR A BOYFRIEND I HAD... I KNEW IF SHE DIDN'T BELIEVE ME THAT NO ONE ELSE IN THE FAMILY WOULD SO I LET IT GO... I GREW UP THINKING THAT SEX AND ABUSE WAS GOOD, THAT IT WAS THE ANSWER... I HAD MY FIRST CHILD AT 17, ENDED UP WITH 4 CHILDREN ALTOGETHER AT THE AGE OF 27... MY LIFE WAS HARD.. EVERY RELATIONSHIP I GOT INTO WAS VERY ABUSIVE IN SOME SORT OF WAY.. IT WAS EITHER VERBAL ABUSE, EMOTIONAL ABUSE, PHYSICAL ABUSE, MENTAL ABUSE AND EVEN SEXUAL ABUSE FROM 2 OF MY EX 'S .. I BEEN THERE, SEEN IT ALL, FELT ALL THE PAIN IN MANY WAYS... NO MATTER WHAT I DID, I ALWAYS MADE THE WRONG CHOICES AND KEPT GETTING INTO ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS.. IT WOULDN'T STOP... MY PARENTS GOT CUSTODY OF MY 2ND CHILD WHEN SHE WAS A YEAR OLD BECAUSE THEY THOUGHT I WAS TRYING TO ABUSE HER, SHE HAD FAILURE TO THRIVE, THE FACT IS, I'D NEVER ABUSE MY CHILDREN, THEY WERE ALL I HAD TO LOVE AND TRUST..... SO THRU THE YEARS OF ALL THE ABUSE I WENT THRU, IT REALLY TORE MY LIFE APART... DECISIONS I MADE WAS ALWAYS THE WRONG ONES, I GOT TO WHERE I WAS UNBEARABLE TO LIVE WITH WHERE A MAN WAS CONCERNED... I WAS BLAMING MYSELF FOR EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED IN MY LIFE.... MY MOTHER PASSED AWAY AND FOR THE LONGEST TIME, I WAS GOING THRU AGONY BLAMING MYSELF AND IT GOT SO BAD THAT EVERYONE STARTED HATING ME.... I HAD SEVERE DERPESSION BAD.. I TRIED COUNSELING, DID IT HELP? NO. WHY? CAUSE I NEVER GAVE IT A LONG ENOUGH CHANCE TO TRY...... WELL MY 2ND HUSBAND BEGAN TO BE VERY ABUSIVE IN EVERY WAY...I LIVED IN OHIO BUT WE MOVED TO WEST VIRGINIA ..... HE THREATENED ME AND MY CHILDREN IF I LEFT HIM OR TOLD... I TOOK MANY HITS TO THE FACE, SLAMMED AROUND, ALMOST CHOKED TO DEATH AND EVEN JUMPED IN FRONT OF MY CHILDREN WHEN HE STARTED TO DISIPLINE THEM, WELL THAT'S WHAT HE SAYS HE WAS DOING, BUT IT WAS ABUSE.... I TRIED SEEKING HELP BUT HE THREATENED TO KILL MY OLDEST DAUGHTER AND I KNEW HE WOULD IF I TOLD OR LEFT BECAUSE HE SAT THERE WHILE SHE WENT THRU A SEVERE ASTHMA ATTACK AND MADE ME PROMISE NOT TO LEAVE HIM OR TELL ANYONE OF THE ABUSE BEFORE HE'D RUSH HER TO THE HOSPITAL........ SO I WAS STUCK, IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP THAT I THOUGHT WAS RIGHT BECAUSE OF MY PAST.... YEARS WENT BY AND I FINALLY HAD ENOUGH. I COULDN'T TAKE IT NO MORE....... I HAD CHILDREN SERVICES ON MY BUTT LEFT AND RIGHT BECAUSE PEOPLE KNEW SOMETHING WAS GOING ON........ FINALLY ONE DAY AFTER I CAME HOME AND FOUND OUT HE BEAT MY SON WITH A BELT LEAVING WELTS AND BRUISES, I HAD ENOUGH, I CONTACTED MY SOCIAL WORKER AND SANG HER A SONG....... A WEEK LATER, THE COPS SHOWED UP AND REMOVED HIM.... I HAD CONSTANT POLICE SUPERVISION AND A RESTRAINING ORDER.... DID IT ALL HELP IN THE END? NO IT DIDN'T.. THE STATE CAME AND TOOK MY KIDS FROM ME AND CLAIMED THAT MY X HUSBAND TOLD THEM THAT ONCE IT WAS ALL DROPPED, WE WERE GETTING TOGETHER AND LEAVING STATE..... I WAS DEVASTATED. I TRIED TELLING THEM THAT IF I HAD THE GUTS TO COME FORWARD AND TURN HIM IN, DID THEY THINK I WAS DUMB ENOUGH TO WANT HIM BACK??? THEY NEVER ANSWERED... WE WENT TO COURT AND TESTIFIED AGAINST HIM, AND HE LOST HIS FATHER RIGHTS... I GOT LOOKS TO KILL IN THE COURT ROOM... WELL I DID EVERYTHING THEY SAID TO GET MY CHILDREN BACK, MY DIVORCE WAS FINAL AND I HAD A GOOD JOB AND APT. BUT I NEVER SEEN MY KIDS AGAIN. THEY FORCED ME TO TERMINATE MY RIGHTS AND PUT THEM UP FOR ADOPTION... I LATER FOUND OUT THAT I COULD OF FOUGHT THE SYSTEM CAUSE I WASN'T IN MY RIGHT STATE OF MIND WHEN THEY GOT ME TO SIGN THE PAPERS..... SO NEEDLESS TO SAY, I BECAME AN ALCOHOLIC, DRUNK ALL THE TIME ON WHISKEY, LOST MY JOB, STARTING HOLLERING SUICIDE AND MY BROTHER SHOWED UP FROM OUT OF STATE AND GAVE ME A WAKE UP CALL... I MOVED BACK TO OHIO CAUSE THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD DO, I LOST EVERYTHING THAT EVER MEANT THE WORLD TO ME........... WELL I WENT THRU SOME HARD TIMES AND BACK INTO ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS ONCE AGAIN.. I TRIED COUSELING AGAIN, NEVER GAVE IT TIME TO WORK AND STOPPED... I BEEN THROUGH HELL AND BACK THRU MY LIFE LET ME TELL YOU.... WELL, HERE I AM, 40 YEARS OLD AND I NOW SUFFER FROM POST TRAMATIC STRESS DISORDER, SEVERE DEPRESSION, BIPOLAR, BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER , AND ANGER PROBLEMS TOWARD MEN.............. I WAS IN A COUPLE GREAT RELATIONSHIPS OVER THE YEARS BUT I GOT SO SCARED CAUSE THEY WERE SO GOOD THAT I RAN AWAY, I WAS TOO USED TO BEING ABUSED ALL MY LIFE TO KNOW HOW TO BE LOVED RIGHT........... I GOT MY OWN APT AND WAS DOING GOOD. I WAS DATING DIFFERENT GUYS AND ENJOYING MY LIFE FOR ONCE UNTIL I GOT TIRED OF IT AND DECIDED TO MOVE IN WITH A MAN THAT I KNEW IT WOULDN'T WORK OUT WITH BUT I TRIED ANYWAY.... WELL HERE I AM 7 MONTHS LATER, TRYING TO GET BACK ON HOUSING MYSELF ONCE AGAIN.... I JUST HAVE SO MUCH ANGER BUILT UP THAT I CAN'T HANDLE LIVING WITH MEN ANYMORE... I AM GOING THRU THERAPY ONCE AGAIN AND I DECIDED TO GIVE IT MY ALL.... MY THERAPIST SAID I'M IN FOR A LONG ROAD OF RECOVERY ... I DID NOTHING BUT CRY IN HER OFFICE TELLING HER I AM SO TIRED OF HATING, TIRED OF LETTING MY ABUSIVE PAST RUIN MY PRESENT, TIRED OF HAVING FLASHBACKS OF MY CHILDHOOD RAPE WHEN A MAN TOUCHED ME THE WRONG WAY, AND JUST TIRED OF BEING SO VENGEFUL AND STRESSED ALL THE TIME.... I DECIDED THE ONLY WAY I CAN TRY TO AT LEAST GET THRU MY PAST ABUSE IS TO TALK ABOUT IT, GET HELP, CONTINUE THERAPY, GET ON MEDS AND FACE ALL THE TRAMA BEING IN THERAPY TALKING ABOUT IT SO I CAN TRY TO GET OVER IT... I KNOW I CANT CHANGE THE PAST, BUT I CAN LEARN TO LIVE WITH IT WITHOUT ALL THE PAIN AND AGONY AND LEARN HOW TO DEAL WITH THE EMOTIONS....... SO FOR ALL YOU WOMEN OUT THERE, TRUST ME, IF YOU EVER GO THRU ABUSE, GET HELP NOW, DON'T HOLD IT IN UNTIL YOUR LIFE IS HALF OVER CAUSE IT'S WORSE IN THE LONG RUN, I LOST THE ONLY THING PRECIOUS TO ME, MY KIDS, BECAUSE I LET MY ABUSIVE PAST HAUNT ME ALL MY LIFE AND RUIN MY PRESENT..... YES I AM A SURVIVOR..... AND IF YOU NEVER HEARD IT, LOOK UP REBA MCINTIRES SONG , " I'M A SURVIVOR " .... THAT HAS MADE ME STOP AND THINK REAL HARD ABOUT MY ABUSIVE PAST AND MAKES ME REALIZE, I AM A SURVIVOR , BUT I HAD A PRICE TO PAY FOR NOT SPEAKING OUT WHEN I WAS A CHILD, I LOST MY OWN CHILDREN....... SO FOR ALL OF US SURVIVORS, THERE IS MORE HELP, WE JUST NEED TO SEEK IT. I MYSELF HOPE, THAT AS A SURVIVOR OF A LIFETIME OF TRAMA, THAT I FIND A WAY TO COPE CAUSE MY DEPRESSION, STRESS, BIPOLAR AND ANGER PROBLEMS ARE TOO HARD TO DEAL WITH..... I CAN'T TAKE IT........ IT'S REALLY HARD AND I FELT LIKE A FAILURE ALL MY LIFE AND STILL DO......
THANK YOU FOR TAKING TIME AND READING MY STORY. I HOPE THIS MAKES MANY WOMEN REALIZE THE COST YOU PAY IF YOU HOLD IT IN TOO LONG... IT STARTED WHEN I WAS 8 YEARS OLD AND I AM NOW 40, I HELD IT IN ALL THESE YEARS, NOW I'M AT MY WIT'S END , HATING MYSELF MORE AND MORE FOR THE CHOICES I MADE AND THE THINGS I LOST AND THE ABUSE I WENT THROUGH AND THE HELL I'M PAYING FOR NOT SEEKING OUT SOONER......... SO THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART AND I HOPE THIS HELPS SOMEONE....
IF YOU'D LIKE TO COMMENT OR TRY TO HELP ME WORK THRU THIS LIFETIME OF PAIN, EMAIL ME AT angel1986devils@aol.com AND IN THE SUBJECT LINE, PLEASE PUT SOMETHING LIKE, '''' IM FROM DEBBIES ABUSE SITE ''' SO THAT I KNOW WHO YOU ARE CAUSE I GET LOTS OF EMAIL AND IF I DON'T KNOW THE PERSON, I DELETE IT... BUT FEEL FREE TO DROP ME ALINE OF INSPIRATION, HOPE, WISDOM OR JUST TO SAY YOU'RE A SURVIVOR TOO AND LET ME KNOW HOW YOU MADE IT THROUGH, CAUSE I JUST CAN'T SEEM TO GET THROUGH THIS........
THANK YOU...
LINDA FROM OHIO

And yes my friend you are Indeed a survivor, Thank you again for your story and may "God Bless and Keep You Safe"

I'm A Survivor

Reba Mcentire

I was born three months too early
The doctor gave me thirty days
But I must have had my Mama's will
And God's amazing grace

I guess I'll keep on livin'
Even if this love's to die for
Cause your bags are packed and I ain't cryin'
You're walkin' out and I'm not tryin'
To change your mind cause I was born to be

The baby girl without a chance
A victim of circumstance
The one who out to give up
But she's just too hard headed
A single mom who works two jobs
Who loves her kids and never stops
With gentle hands and the heart of fighter
I'm a survivor

I don't believe in self pity
It only brings your down
Maybe the queen of broken hearts
But I don't hide behind the crown
When the deck is stacked against me
I just play a different game

My roots are planted in the past
Although my life is changin' fast
Who I am is who I wanna be