November: Destress Yourself

Habit #3 for November

De-Stress Yourself

Don't you hate it when you have to run for your life to escape a wild animal?
And remember a couple years ago when barbarians invaded your village and you had to hide your family for three weeks in the hills until help arrived?
Do you find yourself frequently complaining about the long hours you spend working on that new stone pyramid for the emperor?

Modern man did not invent stress.

No, stress is nothing new. But while modern life can certainly make you feel stressed out, and tragedy still strikes many of us, much of modern stress is either avoidable or manageable.

Make no mistake about it. Stress can make you both physically and emotionally sick and is not to be taken lightly. The more stress you can eliminate from your daily life, the healthier and happier you will be.

All of us are at risk from the damage that uncontrolled stress does to us. And there is one little-considered side effect to uncontrolled stress. It is damaging to us spiritually as well. There is no peace where stress has made itself at home.

This lesson is going to help you lessen or eliminate common, garden-variety stress and is not meant to replace medical or psychological treatment for traumatic stress or depression.

WARNING! If you are frequently or deeply depressed you must seek help. Depression is a real illness and is not just “all in your head.” There are many treatments available and you deserve to be healed! If you don’t know where to start, then start here: http://www.helpguide.org/mental/depression_tips.htm

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To begin the process of evicting this unwelcome visitor we need to agree on what we mean by the word “stress” in the first place.

When you are exposed to danger or threat of various sorts your body prepares itself by initiating the stress response -- the “fight or flight” response. The first thing to happen is a dramatic release of hormones from your adrenal glands, mostly epinephrine (adrenaline) and cortisol. Adrenaline increases your heart rate, elevates your blood pressure and boosts energy supplies. Cortisol increases glucose sugar in the bloodstream, enhances the brain's use of glucose, and increases the availability of substances that repair tissues. It also alters immune system responses and suppresses the digestive system, the reproductive system and growth processes.

A stressor is anything that causes the stress response to fire up. Facing a life or death situation will elicit the stress response. Unfortunately, so will facing a mountain of bills when you don’t have enough money to pay them. What these situations have in common is the idea of “threat”. Stressors generally make us immediately unhappy in the form of fear or anger or sadness or pain, but they frequently make us concerned for our future happiness as well.

Stress refers to result of experiencing the stress response repeatedly or continuously over a relatively long time.

Being in a car accident or getting into a fight with someone is a short-term event. If you are able to walk away from the accident unhurt or shake hands and settle the fight, the stress response will quickly reverse itself. You might say you were really "stressed out" by the event, but then it was resolved. The stressor is gone, therefore, so is the stress.

But what if you are badly injured in the accident? Or you’ve destroyed a relationship because of the fight? The stress response in these cases will be prolonged and damaging -- physically, emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually.

It’s this daily grind of longer-term stress that we need to focus on and attempt to gain control over. The key to managing stress is to gain a stronger sense of control over the stressor itself. This doesn’t mean that you must gain actual control over the stressor, but it does mean taking control of your response to it.

Stressors fall into 2 main categories:

1. Stressors you have some control over

Things like grades and homework, weight, housekeeping, and (sometimes) money are things that you can actually exercise some control over.
- If the stressor is one that you have some control over you might either be able to alter the situation or avoid it altogether.

2. Stressors you cannot control

Oftentimes health, relationships, and (sometimes) money represent stressors that are largely out of your direct control.
- If the situation is out of your hands you may only be able to either adapt to it or learn to accept it the way it is.

Homework Alert! The upcoming section involves some pen-and-paper work: making a "mind-map" of your stressors and choosing one to work on. I certainly hope you try this method out and make some progress on lowering your stress levels. However, as far as homework goes for this month, you are only required to post the following three words in our homework forum: “I did it.”

There – it doesn’t get much lower stress than that! If you wish, you can certainly write more than that, but “I did it.” is all that’s actually required. I fully realize that the things that stress each of us out are some of the most truly personal areas of our lives, and I appreciate that you might not want to share them in a relatively public forum. OK, then, back to our topic.

First you need to know your enemy. Get a sheet of paper and something to write with. A piece of notebook paper, copier paper, or construction paper will do nicely. And don’t worry about it being pretty – you’re going to make a mind map, and they aren’t tidy.

Get it now.

Don’t worry, I’ll wait.

*hums a little tune while she waits*

Got it? Good!

In the center of the paper write the word STRESS and then circle it. Next to the circle (either side) write down a word, phrase, short sentence or picture depicting something that stresses you out. Underline it and connect it back to the circle. Write another stressor on the other side of the STRESS circle and connect it too. Keep doing this with all the stressors you can think of (both major and minor), letting them radiate in all directions from the central circle. It might look something like this:

You might have things like Grades, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Money, Health Issues, Boss, Chores, Low Self-Esteem, etc. You’ll find you usually start with the biggest issues first, but don’t be afraid to list minor stressors as well. “Messy roommate” can definitely be stressful. So can “messy hair!”

When you're done, quickly go back over them and circle the ones that you feel you have at least some control over.

Try not to overthink this. Spend about five minutes total then quit. I’ll be here when you’re done.

*files and polishes her nails*

You’re back? OK. Time for the next step.

Rule #5: Focus on one stressor at a time and actually ACT on it.

Look at your map and pick one stressor that you think you have a reasonable amount of actual control over. This is the one you will act on first. (It’s easiest to practice with one of your minor stressors, but don’t be afraid to take on the most urgent one either.)

To recap, you can either alter the situation, avoid it altogether, adapt to it or learn to accept it the way it is. Regardless of which action you take there is one overriding guideline to use:

Rule #6: Simplify!

If you tend to be dramatic (“I work best under pressure!”), this is going to be tough for you. But the fact remains that the best solution to most problems, whether math or emotional, is elegantly simple.

Don’t ignore the obvious. Maybe the solution to your financial crisis is to pay cash for everything except bills. Maybe the solution to your laundry crisis is to cut your wardrobe in half. Maybe the solution to your grade crisis is to organize your notebook and calendar. Maybe the solution to your relationship crisis is to open your mouth and say how you feel and why. Maybe the solution to your overwork crisis is to say “No, I can’t.” to the next person who asks you to volunteer for something.

Or maybe not. Not all stressors are going to go away because you rearranged your closet. (But it’s a start!)

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Here’s an example of what to do next. One of the items on the mind map above is “Need New Work Wardrobe.”

Notice how there are now comments of all sorts radiating from the “Wardrobe” line? A couple of them even relate back to other stressors (“Budget” and “Overweight”). Two of them even have potential solutions listed (“order online?” and “look through magazines”).

On your own mind map find the stressor you’re going to work on. Draw a line out from the stressor and write down whatever comes to mind. You’re not writing the solution to the stressor, just random thoughts about it. The act of writing these things out alone should help you begin to focus on a solution.

Come back here when you’re done.

*looks out the window and zones out*

All done? OK.

In order to zero in on the root causes of the stress ask yourself these questions about your stressor. Not all of them will apply to every situation, but read through them all anyway. Don’t be afraid to get sidetracked or bemused. You’re supposed to be thinking “outside the box”.

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Is this something that you can choose to do or not to do?

~Do you really love it?
~Are you doing it out of a sense of obligation?
~Do you feel that you are the only one who can do it?
~Are you afraid to give up doing it because someone else might do it better?

Are you stressed because you have put something off?

~Do you think this will take too long to finish?

~Are you going to have to explain why it’s not done to someone?

~Are you afraid to find out the answer to something?

Is your behavior causing the stressful situation?

~Do you remember the first time you used this behavior?
~Was it in response to a specific incident?
~Did the behavior serve a purpose that it no longer serves?

Do you have to confront someone about this?

~Are you afraid they will be angry with you or have hurt feelings?
~Are you afraid that you will lose control (cry, yell, say something stupid) while discussing it?
~Are you afraid of physical, verbal, or emotional abuse from them?

Has this been stressful to you for a long time or is it something recent?

~Do you think it is going to take a long time to resolve?
~Are you going to have to make changes to your lifestyle to resolve it?
~Do you feel guilty about it?

Is this health-related?

~Have you neglected to do something that might improve your condition?
~Is it caused or aggravated by your lifestyle?
~Do you feel guilty because your health restricts your activity level?

Have you tried before to eliminate or cope with this stressor?

~What worked and what didn’t?
~If something worked, why isn’t it working now?
~If something didn’t work, why do you think it failed?
~Are you afraid to try again because you might fail?

What is the simplest thing you can do to help ease this stress?

~Can you ask someone to help you?
~Can you walk away from the cause of the stress?
~Can you buy something that will ease or eliminate the stressor?

There are plenty of other questions out there. Let your thoughts wander all over the subject and see what turns up.

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Next, pretend temporarily that this is not really your stressor. Instead, imagine that an acquaintance of yours has this stressor and is describing it to you. When “they” tell you “their” story do you hear things you didn’t hear when it was your stressor? Does it sound like they’re blowing the situation out of proportion? Or making excuses? Whining? Throwing in the towel without giving it a good fight? Being objective about your own problems is one of the hardest things to do, but giving it a try can lead to very satisfying solutions.

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From here I’m afraid you’re on your own. Resolving stress is as individual as fingerprints. You may devise a solution today that immediately relieves the stress or you may find yourself working on a solution to the stress for years to come.

Here are some good resources for tackling common stressors:

ORGANIZATION/HOUSEKEEPING/TIME MANAGEMENT

My favorite mentor is FlyLady Mala Cilley http://www.flylady.net. She started out as a housekeeping guru, but her methods adapt very well to financial issues, school issues, and diet issues. Her system is not for everyone, but if you’re looking for the simplest way to free up time and accomplish more than you ever thought possible, then she’s your girl! And it is a system, not just a series of tips.

There is also a wealth of good information at Real Simple http://www.realsimple.com. In fact, if organization is your problem, there might be too much information here. You could spend all day browsing and never actually get anything done in real life! Use this as a great resource for ideas on specific problems, but don’t get lost here.

For dozens of individual articles and how-to’s devoted to time management on the job you can’t beat Mind Tools http://www.mindtools.com. Most tools apply equally well to job or school time management, but less so to home management. Again, there’s a lot to digest, so don’t get lost and end up wasting more time than you managed! Warning! This is a commercial site and there are many programs they offer for sale. You don’t need to buy anything or register to learn valuable things from this site.

STRESS - GENERAL

There are numerous sites devoted to the subject of stress, but Helpguide http://www.helpguide.org is one of the best. It is a comprehensive resource for information, education, and ideas to help you out. It is run by the non-profit service organization, Rotary. It’s not a medical guide, but it is monitored by health professionals. You’ll find no advertising or endorsements on the site whatsoever.

FINANCES

If you’re stressed about money it’s probably not because you have too much and don’t know what to do with it For just about the best advice (much of it free) about how to manage money you can’t beat Dave Ramsey’s website http://www.daveramsey.com.

This recommendation comes with two large warnings, however. Mr. Ramsey does make a living from running seminars and selling materials to help you learn to budget, therefore there are products for sale on this site. You don’t need to buy anything or register to learn valuable things from his site.

Also, his mission statement clearly says that he is a Christian. You will find, for example, that the very first line of his worksheet for budgeting for Expenses is dedicated to Giving. I have found, however, that he is not in the least “preachy”. I believe that people of any faith – or none, for that matter, will find nothing objectionable in his advice.

RELATIONSHIPS

There is a universe of bad information about relationship stress out there on magazine racks and in cyberspace. Once again, I feel most confident about recommending that you search through Helpguide for the best and most objective information.

I’ve also compiled this list of 10 suggestions on how to disagree with people the healthy way.

IF YOU THINK THAT YOU ARE INVOLVED IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP, SKIP THIS LIST AND PLEASE GO DIRECTLY TO THIS PAGE:

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

1. Don’t hide from the conflict: Avoiding an argument in the short run usually causes more stress to both parties in the long run. The root cause of the conflict doesn’t go away just because you ignore it.

2. Take responsibility: Denying your own responsibility for some of the relationship’s woes may ease your stress in the short run, but creates deeper long-term problems. It takes two to tango – admit it when you were the one with the two left feet.

3. Be specific, don’t generalize: Avoid the words always and never. Telling someone “You always come home late!” will only result in them quoting to you the one date on which they were on time. Rather, be specific and explain the ramifications of the behavior. “When you don’t come straight home it messes up my evening, because I keep putting off serving dinner until you get home.”

4. See the other side: Don’t take it as a personal affront if the other person has a different opinion from you or a different method of doing something. It’s ironic, but we’re often attracted to people precisely because they are different from us, and then we spend the rest of our lives trying to make them be just like us!

5. Just say something: Do you feel that the other person “should just know” how you feel and what you want without your spelling it out? Remember that no one can really read minds. Don’t be afraid to open your mouth and just say what’s on your mind.

6. Really listen: Try not to interrupt unless you feel you must. Make eye contact when you can. Look at the other person’s body language while they speak. Are they saying one thing and meaning another? Are they speaking calmly but are really angry? If you listen actively to them, then you are justified in asking them to listen to you carefully as well.

7. Call a timeout in the Blame Game: Don’t waste your time trying to assign the blame for your relationship issues. Pointing the finger only works with objects. So yes, you can blame him for leaving the dirty socks on the floor, but you can’t claim his sock-leaving behavior is proof that he doesn’t love you.

8. Winning the battle might lose you the war: If you insist on winning the argument, you need to beat the other person. Hmmm. It should come as no surprise that even this wording sounds abusive. Relationships need to be cooperative, not combative. Think dancing, not fencing!

9. Behavior is not the same as character: Those socks on the floor don’t make him lazy, anymore than your asking him to pick them up makes you a shrew. Behavior can be changed, character can’t. Be careful not to label the person when you mean to label the action.

10. Stonewalling is as bad as mouthing off: Refusing to talk or to acknowledge that someone else is talking is, at the very least, rude. Often it can also seem hostile. Sometimes, saying the wrong thing is less dangerous than saying nothing at all.

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Next month we start working on getting enough exercise every day. One of the greatest benefits you'll get from regular exercise is a reduction in your overall physical stress. So keep plugging away at the root causes this month and look forward to even more relief next month.

Doing something is almost always better than doing nothing. Take action, Simplify your lifestyle, and look forward to good things ahead!

Spiritual people have some of the lowest stress levels. People of faith tend to have less fear about their futures, and are better able to experience the present.