THE MEANING OF ESTEEM
If you hadn’t noticed before, I have a fascination
with where words and phrases come from. (Remember how “potions” and “poisons” both come from
the Latin word for beverage?) Well, here’s a poser for you. What does the word ESTEEM really mean?
You might be surprised to find that it comes from
the same root word as ESTIMATE. Esteem is “an estimation; opinion of merit or value.” To esteem something
is to form an estimate of its value or worth.
Note that "opinion" is the dominant factor in this
estimate. And an "opinion of value" is not the same as an "actual value." So if you have high self-esteem you estimate your
personal value as positive. Low self-esteem implies the reverse.
Just like the stocks on the stock market, your opinion
of yourself and others is in constant flux. Esteem is, at best, a temporary estimation. It changes with your mood, with your
health, and can fluctuate wildly through your personal triumphs and personal disasters.
So, then. Who are the more valulable people,
those with high self-esteem or those with low self-esteem?
A LOOK IN THE MIRROR
The obvious answer is that ALL people have value.
But not all people are accurate judges of their value.
The opinion you have of yourself may be surprisingly
unrealistic. We all know people who are kind and funny and generous and intelligent and yet think they're not worthy of love
or respect or attention. And we certainly know some who think the world revolves around them, though they contribute little
to it.
The real worth of a person may have little or no
impact on how they view themselves.
DIAMONDS OR WATER?
Which is more valuable, diamonds or water?
Let's consider.
Diamonds are certainly more expensive and considerably
rarer than water. They're very pretty and in some cases extremely useful. Still you simply can't argue that they're
more valuable than water. We are completely dependent on the existence of water, but could easily live our entire lives without
ever having seen a diamond.
Still, how sad it would be to think of a world without
diamonds!
People can be like that too. The vast majority of
us are like water - our value seems commonplace, ordinary. We rarely step back and appreciate just how marvelous we really
are. We may even compare ourselves to others as if we are "only water" and not worthy or respect or value. We look at some
of the people who we think of as "diamonds" and wonder why we can't be like them, sparkling and perfect.
Who's on your "diamond" list? Actors, actresses,
and models? Great athletes? The popular crowd at your school? Do you ever find yourself comparing yourself to them and feeling
like you fall short? What a disservice you may be doing to yourself!
Only one in a hundred people might be called beautiful,
but the rest are still attractive to the people who love them.
Only one in a thousand people can make a living
playing a sport, but the rest can still play games for the sheer pleasure of it.
Only a small percentage of people can be in the
"popular" group at any one time, but the rest can still have wonderful friendships that last a lifetime.
What if you ARE a diamond? Well, then you know better
than anyone that no one's life is perfect, least of all yours. The beautiful among us are constantly scrutinized and criticized
for the least flaw. Professional athletes are under tremendous pressure to perform and are expected to never have an "off"
day. Popularity is a precarious position at best -- have a falling-out with one person and you may find yourself abandoned
by the whole group.
THE MYTH OF POPULARITY
What the heck is it?
As my sons entered Middle School they began to label
certain kids as "popular." A few times I even heard my very outgoing older son claim that he wasn't popular. I was puzzled.
It seemed to me that he had a slew of friends and it never occurred to me that he wasn't "popular." I started thinking
back to my own experiences in school with popularity.
I soon came to a surprising conclusion. Only a few
of the popular kids that either I or my kids had ever known over the years were actually well-liked. It seemed that
for each one who was truly universally well thought of and who got along with most people there were at least one or two who
were more feared than liked.
And that's when it hit me. "Popular" is actually
a eupemism for "Dominant." By changing the word you use to describe this group it suddenly all makes sense. The well-liked
kid might still be dominant over his peers by virtue of his or her self-confidence and bubbly personality, while the bully
is dominant by being aggressive and ruthless.
Do we find this type of dominance structure in all social groups? At least
to some extent, yes. However, higher education and business tend to reward other behaviors
at least as well as they reward dominance/popularity. So its influence is rarely ever as intense or potentially damaging
than in the closed society of teenagers in school.
I find it very liberating to finally understand the dynamics of popularity in these
terms. It finally solves the puzzle of why some people have lots of friends and still aren't popular, while some of the meanest people you ever met are.
I'm reminded of one my favorite kids' shows here, Ned's Declassified
School Survival Guide on Nickelodeon. One of the main characters, Moze, has been voted into the Top 10 of popular kids in her school. She gets literally sucked into the company of the other nine handsome,
lauging, popular kids (whom she refers to as The Laughing Vortex). When she later runs
into her old friends from band they are surprised that she would still talk to them. She tells them "You guys are popular
too, just in the band, not in "The Laughing Vortex!" Great point, Moze!
KNOW
THYSELF
I
am not a behavioral psychologist so our approach to improving our self-esteem in this class is necessarily a little shallow.
And yet, there are some principles we can all use that even a psychologist would approve of. The single most important thing
we can do to help us realize our own potential in life is to understand our own personalities. There is no point in resolving
to change a behavior if it goes against your fundamental nature. You will never
make an Introvert into an Extravert. You can't change someone who learns things best step by step into someone who learns
best by just jumping in and experimenting.
Every
personality characteristic has its strengths and its weaknesses. Knowing what characteristics you naturally possess will help
you evaluate what you can do to maximize your own potential. It should also help you to accept the things that you cannot
change about yourself.
The
Briggs-Myers test is a well-known tool of psychologists. Some versions of the test are geared to behavioral analysis and others
are used extensively in business for professional development. There are even simpler versions for children. If you're under
13, for instance, your full mature personality may not be evident yet. The characteristics were originally developed by psychologist
Carl Jung, who identified 6 of them. They were further elaborated by Isabel Briggs
Myers, who added 2 more.
There
are many online locations where you can take a free test to determine your base personality type with no strings attached.
Here's a good one: http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes1.htm. Budget about 20 minutes for this version. If you have
the time now, pause in your reading here and go take the test. Some questions you will be able to answer readily. Some will
really require some thought. Some you might not be able to decide on at all.
Don't
obsess over it, just try to be honest in your answers and don't answer a question the way you THINK you ought to answer. Even
if you were careful about your answers you may read the description of the type and decide it's not quite right. That's OK. In a professional setting an expert would help you evaluate your type. Adjustments are frequently
made to the initial assessment.
If
you don't have time to take the test, not to worry - our email reminders tackle each characteristic. You should probably be
able to figure out where you fit in from them alone.
IT'S
ALL GOOD
There
is no such thing as a bad personality type. Each kind has its own strengths and weaknesses. The key to using the Briggs-Myers
test for our purposes is to learn to recognize those strengths and weaknesses in yourself accurately. If you are an INTJ,
learn to be the best and happiest INTJ you can be! Don't waste a minute fretting that you're not an ESFP instead.
Much
of our stress about our self-esteem stems from measuring ourselves by other peoples' criteria. If Mom is a type J when it
comes to completing projects or making decisions she's going to have a hard time coping with a type P personality child, who
likes to leave options open and revisit the project periodically. If the boss
is a type F and you're a type T when it comes to making decisions you may find yourself frequently at odds with each other,
making you question your own sense of judgment.
Not
surprisingly, many people exhibit slightly different personality characteristics under different circumstances. We all know
someone whose desk is always tidy and who appears completely organized, but who is a complete slob at home. It's perfectly
natural to show different sides of our personalities. After all, these tests
only highlight what your DOMINANT traits are. It doesn't mean that the Introvert
can never show Extraverted characteristics or the logical decision maker doesn't sometimes go with his or her gut instincts.
Our
emails this month are more an extension of this lesson than actual reminders. In
the course of understanding yourself, you'll probably learn a lot about other people in your life as well, and hopefully it
will lead to stronger self-esteem for you and healthier relationships with others.
Homework Alert: This is the closest this class comes to actually giving out bona fide homework! Find out what
your type is and write about your thoughts on the subject. (Some questions you might want to consider are: Do you like your
type? Do you wish you were different? Do you find that your type clashes with someone close to you, say a parent, sibling,
friend, or spouse? Feel free to come up with your own unique slant.)
Our rule for the month?
Rule #12: Be Kind to Yourself. Treat yourself the
way you want others to treat you.
