Translated Anew (with requisite spunkification) by Sean Northrup

Sir Richard Fanshaw’s Englishification:

The things that make a life to please

    (Sweetest Martial), they are these:

Estate inherited, not got:

    A thankful field, hearth always hot:

City seldom, law-suits never:

    Equal friends agreeing ever:

Health of body, peace of mind:

    Sleeps that till the morning bind:

Wise simplicity, plain fare:

    Not drunken nights, yet loosed from care:

A sober, not a sullen spouse:

    Clean strength, not such as his that plows;

Wish only what you are, to be;

    Death neither wish, nor fear to see.

Mr. Northrup’s Englishification:

Martial, Ep. 10.47

Self Help on a Ledge at 2 am

Morty!

You comical little bastard,

here’s what makes life

worth living:

1.  All the stuff you didn’t have to work for,

    but just snagged from the lost-and-found bin.

2.  Property which brings you cash

    while you just sit on your ass

    year after year, in front of the fire.

3.  No lawsuits.

    No business suits.

4.  A mind not bothered

    by the IRS and lawyers.

5.  Virility sans Viagra

    in a body drug-free

6.  Friends that don’t mind

    that you speak your mind

    but happy that you think

    before you speak.

7.  Light entertainment

    after a light meal.

8.  Going home at night

    light-headed

    but never drunk.

9.  A mattress that’s seen some action

    but has no broken springs.

10.  Sleep that lasts all night long…

Just hope to be what you already are,

and ask for nothing else.

Don’t be afraid of daylight’s end,

but don’t ask for it either.