"Except a corn of wheat fall into the ground and die, it abideth alone: but if it dies, it will bring forth much fruit."

- Jesus

It is said that death is the last enemy that humans have to confront. What is an actuality is that death is the only enemy humans need to confront. The way of death surrounds us every day. Physical death is only the final episode!

Death in every incident is an opportunity to surrender and "let go." The process of life is continuous episodes of letting go. Whenever one, in a given incident, does not "let go," then a wall of death is raised up. The fear of death is the fear of letting go. No one ever died of dying - letting go. But many have suffered awful pain in the struggle to avoid letting go. It is obvious, physical death is a further responsive act of living when one passes from one state of living in "this life" to another state of living in "that life." Often, we refer to physical death as "passing away." Does anyone die before his time? Does anyone die late? This means different things in different situations. Do you mean the cessation of biological life? Or do you mean the prolonging of letting go? Somehow the two questions have a connection.

What is so disturbing about facing the physical death of a close relative, friend or neighbor? There are at least three factors involved in dealing with the death of someone else.

1. It brings into focus the everyday reality of our own mortality. Further, we all are confronted with the process of letting go as it applies to ourselves.

2. It threatens the bond of co-dependency that we have with that person to whatever degree that might be.

3. It creates a vacuum which requires letting go of our contact with the person and making adjustment through the letting go process. This process of letting go brings into play many unfinished issues that remain unfinished, experienced at the wall of death, we have constructed. This robs us of access to the process of life, its ongoing liveliness, change and uncertainty. For the wall of death is the impasse of not letting go.

Death and Co-dependency

Love, in actuality, is to love someone as oneself. True love is sharing our love for self with someone else. To love oneself more than another person is narcissism. To love someone else more than oneself is co-dependent. True love is neither magical nor mystical. It is a precarious expression of self-recognition of oneself toward another person. Romantic love is a combination of sexual excitement, co-dependency, in the guise of a mystical and magical experience. When it comes time for someone to pass over into the next state of being through the gateway called death, to love that person, is to support him emotionally. It is their right of passage and privilege to make the ultimate decision to "let go." Giving him support in recognition of his right to make the "passage" is to provide the opportunity to be as easy as possible. As he who is "passing" lets go, those who are being supportive will be letting go. Then the wall of death is torn down and everyone is the victor.

In co-dependent relationships (everyone is co-dependent to some degree), all the persons involved are discredited and discounted as to their essence as a person and human being. Beliefs and behavior in co-dependency are symptoms of the denial and destructiveness of the kind of "love" expressed. Co-dependency is not limited just to men and women in marriage. Co-dependency occurs in all other relationships as well, particularly, with those who are in the so-called "helping professions" - ministers, counselors, nurses and medical doctors.

To break the so-called "bond" of co-dependency, necessitates, the reeducation of each person to decontaminate his core-belief system as to the negative values of denial he has about himself as a person. To put it simply, it is a course of reeducation in how to love oneself because it is appropriate to do so in the recognition and validation of whom we are. In turn, from that point of view, one can indeed see what is true about himself is also true about everyone. When one steps out of the co-dependent attitude, his expression of "love" becomes "I love you because I love me." This is a declarative statement of non co-dependency.

What people fear the most is not death, but living. The purpose of the wall of death is to serve as a defense to avoid contact with aliveness. Experiencing aliveness is a result of being in touch with the ongoing state of mind - of letting go.

Humans ever strive for a state of certainty, permanency and guarantee. In actuality, the process is an ever changing ongoing state - letting go, is the vehicle which enables humans to flow with the change and stay in the now. Holding on to the past - people, places or things - is accomplished by emotional attachment. To remember the past is neither good nor bad. To live in the past is to be stuck behind the wall of death. The most difficult thing for humans to come to grips with is that life is temporary and transit. To stay in touch with aliveness is to maintain an attitude and perspective of letting go.

Grief is the mechanism of letting go. The pain that is felt during the exercise of the use of the mechanism of grief comes from holding on to whatever it is that one wants to cleave to, to give purpose and completion to their lives. One aspect of the use of the mechanism of grief, and its exercise of "holding on," is to give time to make an adjustment to the change until one can fully let go.

The Wall of Death

People learn how to construct the wall of death at a very early age. The wall of death is a form of death and impasse. To construct a wall of death is to interfere with the natural process of aliveness. For the most part, the wall of death has very little to do with physical death. The wall of death becomes a barrier to the ongoing flow of living. Constructing and maintaining a personal wall of death is so common that it is never questioned as to its existence. In fact, it is considered to be normal to have a wall of death in one’s life.

Every denial of any consideration is a part of the construction of the wall of death. As it is obvious, the wall of death is not something that is put upon us, it is something we construct ourselves. Hiding behind the wall of death gives us a justification and verification of our denials. Since the wall of death is a state of mind, only we can build it for ourselves and only we can destroy it. The wall of death represents the false denials and lies we embrace about ourselves and life.

Sadly, even though the wall of death appears to give a degree of comfort and security, at the same time, the wall of death creates fear and personal deprivation. As with physical death, one would think that if life is so much more wonderful in the "other life" - no pain, sorrow and sickness, that everyone would be looking forward to death rather than fear it. Included in the wall of death, is a denial about physical death. It is similar to life itself. If all we know is what is possible for us, if only intellectually, we know this - one would think that they would want to destroy their personal wall of death. Is it apparent that people want to retain the wall of death, about physical death, as well as life itself because they just don’t believe they can have a life without it. Where would one get the courage to destroy his wall of death? The courage comes from changing one’s state of mind about the denials represented in his personal wall of death. No one has ever died of tearing down his wall of death. Many people have lived all their lives in denial with pain and the fear of death because of their wall of death. The wall of death is an illusion.

Dying is living, i.e., a continuous process of letting go. Physical death is a passing away from one state of living to another state of living. Who would want to deprive someone of his right to "pass over" and improve his quality of living? So likewise, tearing down one’s personal wall of death is to open the way to "pass over" into the full potential of what it means to live.

© 2000 Fred M. Fariss All Rights Reserved