Unlike James Frey, everything I publish here is the absolute truth. And here's the latest. I have finally discovered who I am. Yes. I am the venerable Pavlov's Dog, that trusty old soul who salivated at the sound of the dinner bell.Why that made Pavlov famous I don't know.Most of my friends and acquaintences salivate at way less direct indications that there might be food in the area.

 

How I came to discover that I am that very dog is this: I quit chewing the nicotime gum. Okay,okay, you can stop applauding. I went on the patch and I am now about to start on the lowest dose patch. In two weeks I should be off nicotine entirely. However. I discovered that I have an uncontrollable urge (a la Devo) to chew gum periodically. I become anxious and irritable if I don't chew a stick of gum several times throughout the day. I am worse than Pavlov's Dog. I am one of Descarte's mechanical dogs, the ones without souls that Descartes postulated as proof that animals can't go to heaven.

 

So now I chew the substance-free "Original-Flavor" Trident with the secret ingredient XYLITOL, which I always thought was Superman's nemesis. Anyway this mysterious ingredient makes no claims to be a nicotine substitue. It makes no claims at all. Maybe advertising has reached a new level where they are asking us to use our imaginations. There is an ingredient listed as phenylketonurics and of course the ever poplular phenylalanine. I just know I can't go a day without phenylalanine.