On 5/20/04 after a day of paying bills, checking email and talking to friends on the phone and neighbors
who had visited, I realized that my baby hadn't moved much that day. In fact the last time I remember was around 10am.
I layed on the couch and ate some candy and rubbed my belly which usually caused him to move. Nothing. Finally
after an hour I called the nurse to ask how long I should wait before being concerned. She said to eat a full meal.
So I had PB & J and a cup of chocolate milk. Still nothing. So at 7:30 we went to the doctor office. The nurse
came in to put me on the monitor, nothing. She then got the doppler to pinpoint where the heartbeat was, nothing.
I told her where we used to get it in the hospital, after all I was monitored for over 140 hours (1 hour every day, 1 hour
every night). Nothing. Then she went to get the ultrasound machine and a doctor. I remember thinking, why
bother I already know the baby is gone. She came back still optimistic saying sometimes they hide, mine never hid.
I watched as she scanned, over the heart not beating, and over his usually active hand, lying still. And then finally
what I knew, "I'm sorry but it looks like your babies heart has stopped, it looks like this is going to be a still birth."
She got a second doctor to confirm. I'm sorry again. We'll call the hospital and let them know you are coming.
They leave the room. "What is it" I ask my husband. "It's a boy, it's a son" says my husband. At 7:40 pm
on 5/20/04 we learned our son had died. I called my mother to tell her since she had my kids. And then I called
one of my best friends who I called 3x before the doctor, the baby died. We went to the hospital and arrived on the
labor and delivery room around 8pm. They ushered us to a room all the way in the back, to avoid seeing other pregnant mommy's
who have come to have their healthy babies. Jill, that was our nurse, and how wonderful she was. And the on call
doctor was my regular one since I was 17. Thank goodness.
First they get me comfy, (as I can be knowing my baby has died). Then questions, name, address,
etc. What funeral home would you like us to contact? Would you like to have an autopsy performed? All the
procedures explained to us. 10 vials of blood taken, cultures etc. If I want meds, I can have pretty much whatever
I want. Such a different experience. At around 10:30 pm they break my water ( I am already 50% and 4cm).
I finally opt for an epidural even though I am in no pain. My last birth was natural and I survived. But it made
Jason feel much better to know I wasn't in any pain. We called the whole family. We are in the delivery room,
our baby has died. We ask that no one come to the hospital until we call them. I am in good spirits throughout
everything even though my eyes keep wandering over to the baby area. I think to myself over and over, the warmer doesn't
need to be on, we don't need the bulb syringe, he's not going to need any of it. Finally, around 3am, I say it's time to push,
I feel the pressure. Everyone gets ready. After 4 pushes, our beautiful, perfect baby boy emerges into the world,
silently, with not a sound.
The doctor and nurse tell us how perfect he is and smile.
Nothing is wrong with the cord, nothing is wrong with the placenta, yet my baby has died before he
was born. He will have a death certificate, but not a birth certificate.
Finally, Jill brings him to us and hands him to me, this is when I completely break down. How
can such a tiny perfect creature be dead? Why is he not crying and happy to be here?
Jason takes some pictures. He holds his first son. How sad we are.
We finally call the rest of the family, they all start arriving. We bring Megan in first who
declares "your right dad, he is cute" and she holds him. She is the proud big sister regardless of the circumstances.
Then everyone else, one by one, everyone holds our perfect little boy. They all cry, they all
give him a kiss.
Jill leaves with him for a little bit to weigh him. Wow, he's a big boy for only being 34 1/2
weeks.
He comes back. Everyone finally leaves, we spend a last 1/2 hour with him, and we have to say
goodbye. I went to a room in antepartum at 8am, slept, took a shower had lunch, and left the hospital at 4:30pm, empty
handed.
This is by far the hardest trip I have ever had to make, leaving the hospital, without my baby, and
never returning for him
