I belong to a grief website and asked for some help to make a list, possibly to be made into a checklist, of things the other moms were grateful they were able to do when their baby was born, and things they regretted they hadn’t done. I hope this list can be reviewed by all the labor and delivery nurses, and even the ante-partum nurses to help parents leave the hospital with the least amount of regrets as possible. I understand that no matter how much we accomplish during the very short time we have with our babies we will always wish we had done more.

One of the things I was very grateful for was the memory box I was given. It was such a wonderful gesture, and though I had to leave the hospital without my son, I got to leave with some memories of him, and not completely empty handed. I would like to see if there is a way to add things to the boxes. Some of the items I would want to have added are: disposable cameras, a container/box for a lock of hair, a kit for a hand and foot mold, an outfit for the baby, a list of photos the parents may want to take, a list of websites that would be helpful to them , a journal and possibly some other items. I am willing to go to different stores and try to obtain donations for these items, as well as raise money to purchase them.

Another area of regret that I have is that once I gave my son back to the nurse, it was for the last time. I gave birth at 3:20am. I didn’t immediately hold him as I had to prepare myself emotionally. When I finally chose to hold him it just wasn’t long enough. I wanted our family to have the opportunity to meet him and say goodbye. They all came, everyone was able to hold him, passing him around and then returned him to me. However, by that time I was so exhausted I just wanted to go to my room and go to sleep. I had to receive benadryl for hives and itching due to my epidural and it made me extremely tired. So while I did not want to give him back so soon, I had no choice. I was told that I could request him to my room when I arrived in the ante-partum unit, however, they would have to request him up from the morgue. That just completely was too much to handle. I have spoken to nurses from other hospitals, and they have a plan in effect that allows the baby to remain in the nursery (or somewhere nearby) so the baby does not have to go to the morgue. I would really urge you to see if there is any way the protocol could be changed at Virtua to allow a baby to remain on the floor so parents can feel comforted that they are still being cared for while they are in the hospital. I just could not imagine holding my baby after he had been sitting in the morgue and it was heartbreaking to hear that he was down there. I would have been more comfortable asking for him to be brought to my room if I had known he was still on the floor. I also felt odd asking for my son who was dead to be brought to me. I wish that someone had told me it was okay and that other mommy’s did it, and it was completely natural for me to hold my son again, while I was alone and able to look at him thoroughly, rock him, sing to him and do whatever else I wasn’t prepared to do immediately after his birth.

I am going to enclose a checklist of things that I feel should be offered to the family. I read the book the hospital sent home with me called “Just this Little While.”. I think the book was wonderful. I sent it home with my husband when he left the hospital. The social worker who came to talk to me, recommended that I read it before I went home, and offered to bring me another since my copy was now at home. She never came back and I never got to read the book at the hospital. There are specific parts of that book that I feel should actually be highlighted before given to the parents, parts that have to do with things while still in the hospital.

Another thing that I think would be wonderful is some kind of birth certificate the hospital issues. It is so heartbreaking that my son has a death certificate and not a birth certificate. It obviously would not be anything legal, but something that parents could have saying that their baby was in fact born. Just because our babies are born without a heartbeat, doesn’t mean they weren’t born just the same. Other hospital offer this and I would like to look into this further and find out if Virtua could offer this.

I regret that I have very minimal photos. I felt like I shouldn’t have been taking photos of a baby that was not alive. I felt like I needed someone to tell me it was okay to take the photos. I would recommend the nurses telling the parents that we should take photos, a lot of photos from the photo list. I also want to look into purchasing a digital camera for them to take the photos, and a way to put the photos on a CD for the parents. I am hoping to raise money for several of my ideas if Virtua is open to receiving them. These photos are all we will ever have of our babies. I treasure the 2 the nurses took, but since they are Polaroid any copies I get of them come out red and discolored. I have been holding out hope for almost 5 months that someone at the hospital took more photos of Aidan than I have. I even went so far as to see if the coroner had any photos. I never saw my son’s behind. And now I never will. Photos can help so much with the healing process.

I thank you for taking the time to read this. I want to help in any way I can to help the hospital provide as much emotional support for parents of still births, late miscarriages and neonatal losses. I’m not sure this letter came out worded exactly as I planned, but I believe it includes most of what I want to say and how I want to help. Please let me know if anything I have recommended can be accomplished, and what I can do to help make it happen. Parents have little more or less than a day to create memories that have to last a lifetime.

Victoria Leach

Still Birth Loss Checklist:

1) holding the baby immediately after birth, or a little later?

2) opportunity to bathe the baby complete with baby powder and lotion.

3) A photo of both parents with the baby

4) Keeping the baby with them for their entire stay in the hospital

5) Dressing the baby

6) Having the baby baptized

7) Praying with them

8) Tell them to unwrap the baby, look at the hands, feet, butt, legs, arms. Tell them to check the baby out and look at all of their body parts. You would be amazed that we neglect to do this.

1) Hand prints (more than one copy)

2) Foot prints (more than one copy)

3) A lock of hair

4) Photos of the baby, front and back and other photos on the photo list

5) The blanket and hat the baby wore as soon as it was born

6)

Things to do for the parents:

1) Offer a basket, or bassinet for the baby to lay in so the family can keep the baby nearby when they cannot hold the baby.

2) Follow up call from the hospital, or the nurse a day or two later to see how the mother and father are.