Who Ya Gonna Trust?
This week’s post is dedicated
to KIME, a martial dance troupe, and some of the most amazing martial artists with
whom it is my privilege to train.
Looking around at a group of my closest friends, colleagues, and training partners,
I heard myself saying out loud in no uncertain terms, “ I don’t trust you people” ( you know its bad when you resort to ‘you
people’ as a way to address your friends)
And what exactly did I not trust? We were
sharing stories of what it was like for each us when we turned thirty – some yesterday, some of us thirty years ago. Did I
not trust that they would keep confidence? That they would laugh at me, misjudge me, kick me out of the group, disagree with
me somehow? What was not to trust? Nothing really – I just knew in that moment, for whatever reason I felt threatened and
needed to separate myself from the group. (Thus, the ‘you people’)
My partner Janice was there that day (
yes, even she was a ‘you people’) and she wisely asked me later, “ Is it possible that you just really don’t
want to do what the group is doing, but you are having trouble acting on that and so you are twisting it into something else?” Immediately, I recognized the truth of her question and that, in fact, trust was the
issue – but not that I did not trust them. I had begun to lose trust in myself.
I did not want to participate in the group’s activity and despite that knowledge, I kept showing up, betraying my own deeper
heart’s desire in order to be with my friends.
Betray your heart often enough, you’ll
lose trust in yourself, too.
More and more I am finding trust is a big
part of this Tai Chi journey for me. For many of us, the lessons of Tai Chi are not obvious. We are told to soften, to relax,
to use the mind (not strength) to receive the energy of an incoming force and that this will somehow lead to the amazing feats
of martial prowess and to spiritually enlightened responses to deadly attacks. And
we know this doesn’t happen as soon as we begin our study – it takes practice over many years, it takes gongfu (effort over time).
I like what Rick Barrett
writes in Taijiquan: Through the Western Gate about the role of gongfu in
developing internal power through our Tai Chi training. He says: “This is gongfu.
You take what is an unfamiliar but effective principle and, through training, make it a dependable ability.” We know from
experience that when we are challenged or threatened, as Barrett says, “the body/mind goes with what it trusts, even if the
higher centers of consciousness are completely sold on a different solution.” In order for us to rely on our internal power,
we must develop it and trust it. hmmmm.
Thus, we practice our form and do
not notice that we are relying on muscle strength to move from shape to shape. Then we interact with a partner and find ourselves
trying to force and resist – and why not? We have not built up the trust in our internal power to know that it works – it
has not become a dependable ability. And we learn from this and go back to practicing the form with new information,
and more partner work, and over time the trust will build. Similarly, I have spent many years doing what I think I should
do, reacting with tension and worry to fears of loss – instead of honoring what is truly in my heart and building trust in
the ability of my heart to guide me effectively through the vicissitudes of this life.
Building trust in myself through practice
over time. It doesn’t mean that if I follow my heart, all will be easy and there
will be no hardship or difficulty. Life is not that simple. It does mean that
my integrity and internal power will grow, I will be able to meet these challenges with grace and confidence, my life will
be my own, and the things in life that truly matter - like friends I trust, will surely multiply.
Enjoy your gongfu
Dorian
