HUMOR

THE WELCOME

I hear it! I hear the car! HER car! And she's coming this way!

Oh, oh, I must run in and grab a gift! I must greet her with a gift!

Oh, 'BONK' missed the step. No matter, I must hurry. Move over, doggy door!
She's coming, she's coming!

Gift, gift, where, what, oh, oh, oh, ah! A plastic bottle she drinks from,
right here on top of the container they call trash! Oh, perfect.

She's coming, she's coming! Oh, oh, oh...

The door! I hear the door sound that sounds right before she comes in!

Oh, it's OPENING! SHE'S HOME!

Oh, oh, 'wiggle, wiggle, wiggle' I cannot be still!
You're home! And look, look, I have this nice bottle!
Oh, oh, you're home! YOU'RE HOME!

I have missed you so much, you've been gone hours, weeks, days, years!
And so much has happened! A dog ran by and I chewed a tree and Pluto slept under the house and it rained a little!

Oh, oh, oh! You're home, you're home!

And you're touching me! I can't stand it, it's so marvelous!
Oh, and you're speaking! "Murble, murble, good boy, murble, murble."

YES! Your happy voice. Oh, I'm about to burst!
I'm so happy, happy, happy! Yes! I want to jump!
I'm not supposed to jump, but oh, oh, just a little jump!

"Off."

Darn. Oh, I cannot be still.

I'll roll over and wiggle on my back! Oh, yes!
She's rubbing me-my tummy, my head, my sides!
Oh, oh,oh.

Now what? Now where's she going? Oh, oh, yes!
Back to the room where we sleep at night! Great!
It has the big pad we sleep on and 'L-E-A-P' I can get up here close to her.

And here she comes!

Oh, oh, oh! I can stand on my legs and put my paws around her neck and-uh oh.
Can't lick with this bottle in my mouth. But it's my present to her!
Oh, oh, what to do? And she's rubbing me!
But I want to lick her, oh, oh, I think I'm about to burst!

"Off."

Oh, darn. Drop the bottle. Oh, YES! She's coming back!

She took off the pieces she puts on her eyes and I can stand and 'lick, lick' I love you, I love you, I love you, I love 'lick, lick, lick' you taste so good, salty, sweet, I love that stuff you smear on your face every day,
I love to lick it off, oh, oh, and you're rubbing me again!

My back, my head, my ears, oh, oh 'lick, lick, lick'.
"Murble, murble, Mickee, good boy, murble, murble."

"Off."

Darn.

I will lay here and watch her. Watch her peel her fur-it's-not. It is very warm.

I don't know because I don't think. How does she do that?

And I will get that look on my face that always makes her come and rub me.
The look where I roll my eyes up, and keep my head flat here and she she will come...and she's putting on her play skin.
YES! We will play-sometime. My tail cannot be still. I am SO happy, happy, happy.

Now she's going in the room with the wonderful water bowl!
I LOVE that water bowl - always cool, clean water!
She'll be out in just a minute, just a minute, just a.....yes, she's coming!
She's here again.

Oh, oh, oh....

Now back to the room with the box that has pictures and sounds.
Ah, I know what happens now. Yep, she's laying down on the big pad there.
Now she'll sleep. But that's okay.

She's HOME!

SHE'S home.

She's home.

And she smells tired. So I will lay beside her here and guard her and wait while she sleeps.
And when she wakes up she won't smell so tired. And we'll play and play.

S-i-g-h. I'll just rest with her now, and smell her while she sleeps.

And then, oh, oh, zzzzzzzzz........

-Written by Jana Mauney

 

 

 

Have you ever realized that children are like dogs - loyal and affectionate,
but teenagers are like cats.. ...

It's so easy to be a dog owner.
You feed it, train it, boss it around.
And yet it still puts its head on your knee and gazes at you as if you were a Rembrandt painting
and bounds indoors with enthusiasm when you call it.

Then around age 13, your adoring little puppy turns into a cat. When you tell it to come inside, it looks amazed, as if wondering who died and made you emperor. Instead of dogging your doorsteps, it disappears.

You won't see it again until it gets hungry.
Then it pauses on its sprint through the kitchen long enough to turn its nose up at whatever you're serving.

When you reach out to ruffle its head, in that old affectionate gesture, it twists away from you, then gives you a blank stare, as if trying to remember where it has seen you before.

You, not realizing that the dog is now a cat,
think something must be desperately wrong.
It seems so antisocial, so distant.

It won't go on family outings.
Since you're the one who raised it, taught it to fetch and stay and sit on command, you assume that you did something wrong.

Flooded with guilt and fear, you redouble your efforts to make your pet behave.
Only now you're dealing with a cat, so everything that worked before now produces the opposite of the desired result.

Call it, and it runs away. Tell it to sit, and it jumps on the counter.
The more you go toward it, with open arms,
the more it moves away.

Instead of continuing to act like a dog owner,
you should learn to behave like a cat owner.
Put a dish of food near the door, and let it come to you.

Sit still, and it will come, seeking that warm,
comforting lap it has not entirely forgotten.

Be there to open the door for it.

And just remember...
One day your grown-up child will walk into the kitchen, give you a big kiss and say,
"You've been on your feet all day.
Let me get those dishes for you."

Then you'll realize your cat is now a dog again.

 

 

Names of Crossbreeds ( Humor )
original author unknown

Pointer X Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Kerry Blue Terrier X Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries

Great Pyrenees X Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

Pekingnese X Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel X English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and
clean as a whistle

Labrador Retriever X Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

Newfoundland X Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

Terrier X Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

Bloodhound X Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

Malamute X Pointer = Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway

Collie X Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work

Deerhound X Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

Cocker Spaniel x Rottweiller = Cockrot, the perfect puppy for that philandering ex-husband

Bull Terrier x Shitzu = Bullshitz, a gregarious but unreliable breed

 

The Creation Story as told by Snoopy"

On the first day of creation, God created the dog.

On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.

On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth to serve as potential food for the dog.

On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labour for the good of the dog.

On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.

On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and the man broke.

On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.

 

 

Dog Wisdom: 15 Things we can learn from dogs...

1. Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride.
2. Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
3. When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
4. Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
5. Take naps and always stretch before rising.
6. Run, romp, and play daily.
7. Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
8. Be loyal.
9. Never pretend to be something you're not.
10. If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
11. When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
12. Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
13. Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
14. On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
15. No matter how often you are criticized, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout. Run right back and make

 

WORDS OF WISDOM:

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue. - Anonymous

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. - Ann Landers

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. -
Will Rogers

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. - Ben Williams

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself. -
Josh Billings

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. - Andy Rooney

We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare, and love we can spare. And
in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made. - M. Facklam

Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate. - Sigmund Freud

If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few person. - James Thurber

I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bow. -
Penny Ward Moser

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. - Robert Benchley

Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog. - Franklin P. Jones

 

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. - Groucho Marx

"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!" -Anne Tyler

 

Acquiring A Dog May Be The Only Opportunity A Human Ever Has To Choose A Relative  --

Mordecai Segal 1934

 

 

From a lost chapter in the book of Genesis:

"Where Dogs and Cats Come From"

Adam was walking in the garden and cried out to God,
"You used to walk with me every day. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonely here, and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."

And God said, "I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me.
Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of
yourself."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam.
And it was a good animal.
And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you shall call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him.
And Adam was comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is
loved, but perhaps too well."

And the Lord said, "I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam.
And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being.

And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased.
And Adam was greatly improved.
And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn't give a meow one way or the other.

 

Dear Dogs:
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two dogs in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw
print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the
slightest.

The stairway was not designed by Nascar and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but doggy sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

 

 

Rules for non pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets.

1. The dog lives here. You don't.
2. If you don't want dog hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my dog a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, she's a dog. To me, she's an adopted daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
5. **Dogs are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive
your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't
need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the pups.

The same applies to cats, except they ignore you until you are asleep.

 

 

50 Reasons Why Chicks Dig Dogs !

A dog has long been a man's best friend. Few women have a problem with that.
But when The Field - the magazine devoted to the hunting, shooting, fishing fraternity - suggested 50 reasons why dogs are better than women, it started the paw wars.

Spots are an attractive feature on a dog.

A dog is better protection from intruders.

Dogs enjoy ball games. But they don't spend six hours on the phone trying to get tickets for France 98.

Dogs greet each other by sniffing bottoms. Men are far less polite.

Puppy love doesn't wear off so quickly with a dog.

You can be prosecuted for neglecting a dog.

Dogs can find their way back home - even after a really heavy night out.

Dogs can be trained not to lie on the bed. Men always lie in bed.

A dog can moult without becoming obsessed about premature baldness.

Dogs can be taught the meaning of the word "NO!"

A dog is far less irritation to have in the back seat of a car...

...and will be less likely to show its rear end to the people in the vehicle behind for a laugh.

Elizabeth Hurley has a faithful dog whom she loves dearly.

If a dog says sausages, that's clever. If a man says sausages, that's just greedy.

Dogs will wait patiently outside clothes shops...

...and not criticize your purchases afterwards.

A dog will fetch the morning paper for you.

A dog will trot faithfully round at your heel.

Dogs don't break wind in public and blame it on the man.

In the canine world, boxers are quite intelligent.

If a dog gets ill, it won't take eighteen Panadols in order to avoid having to go to the vet.

You can also ask the vet to perform the snip, even if the dog objects.

Small, ginger-haired dogs can be quite appealing. As for men? Two words. Robin Cook.

You can find a nice dog by advertising on a card in a shop window, or in the classified section of the local paper.

A woman can live with more than one dog, without rumors starting.

When dogs beg, it's cute. When men beg it's pathetic,

Dogs sometimes dig the garden.

A dog can go out fox-hunting without being incredibly stuck up and pompous.
And pompous.

Dogs don't necessarily prefer blondes.

Dogs won't get embarrassed if you call them by a pet name when their friends are around.

Dogs travel more cheaply on the bus.

Dogs whine less.

Some dogs can be quite talented at singing.

Men lost the World Cup. A dog found it.

Dogs are less reliant on tinned food..

...But after a few cans, a dog will still be able to stand up.

And there are some things even a dog won't eat - like the remains of a three-day-old King Prawn vindaloo that they found on the floor behind the
sofa.

You can leave a dog alone in your house without worrying so much about what it'll break.

A dog gets a new coat every winter.

Dogs are not so careless about leaving puddles on the bathroom floor.

A dog is less likely to leave a filthy, stinking mess for you to clear up.

For a dog, a wet nose is a sign of GOOD health.

Men are even less useful for testing cosmetics on.

Dogs don't wolf-whistle.

There are still thousands of totally undomesticated dogs in Australia; but far more undomesticated men.

Your dog will never refer to you as 'a bitch'.

In disaster films, the dog is always far more likely to have a miraculous escape.

Dogs do not waste money betting on the dogs.

You can stop dogs getting too randy by throwing a bucket or water over them.

All the best clips on 'You've Been Framed' are the ones with dogs in.

If a dog starts worrying sheep, that's just its natural predatory instinct.
If a MAN starts worrying sheep, however...

A 'King Charles' is much more likely to be a big, floppy-eared dog than a big floppy-eared man.

You can also call a dog schitzu without offending it.

"Working like a dog" is strenuous. Working like a man is, er - not.

You can fondle your dog in the park without being arrested.

A dog will encourage you to lose weight by taking more exercise. A man will just remark on how big your bum looks.

Dogs do not attack other dogs for being a different color.

Having a dog around the place can actually ease stress.

You'd feel guilty about turning a dog out on the street.

A dog can take a barrel of brandy to a lost mountaineer without drinking ANY.

There aren't so many good reasons to keep a dog muzzled in public.

You can buy a dog's affection with a squeaky toy.

A dog will be eager to walk, rather than getting a taxi.

Most dogs are really good with children.

Dogs have a highly-developed sense of smell. Men, on the other hand, can quite happily wear the same pair of pants for a fortnight.

A dog is more useful for tracking down criminals.

Who did YOU miss most from Blue Peter - John Noakes or Shep?

A dog might actually take a bath of its own accord.

There's more chance of your dog being able to operate the video recorder.

You can buy a choke-chain for a dog.

A 16-year-old dog is very mature.

A dog is easier to keep well- groomed.

Dogs have more chance of receiving an award for bravery.

Dogs are easier to house-train.

Dog do not scratch themselves so much in polite company.

A dog can look as though it understands what you're saying.

Dogs went into space first.

A man will roll over and play dead only if you ask him to get up and make coffee.

Dogs enjoy swimming, and not for the chance to ogle girls in bikinis.

Being a dog's mistress is no reason to feel ashamed.

You can keep your dog tied up if it starts misbehaving.

Saggy skin and a hang-dog look aren't half as appealing on a man.

You can train a dog in obedience.

A dog in a studded collar isn't kinky.

Few men would answer to 'Lassie'.

A dog is a pack animal. A man is a six-pack animal.

Dogs spend the day sniffing drugs only if they're with the police.

Dogs aren't obsessed with 'doing it man-fashion'.

A dog is a faithful companion.

A dog is for life.

 

Why Men Like Dogs

 

This is why lots of guys have two dogs and not two wives...

1. The later you are, the more excited they are to see you.

2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.

4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

5. A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.

6. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

7. A dog's parents never visit.

8. Dogs do not hate their bodies.

9. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to

get your point across.

10. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.

11. Dogs seldom outlive you.

12. Dogs can't talk.

13. Dogs enjoy petting in public.

14. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go
24 hours a day.

15. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

16. Dogs like to go hunting.

17. Another man will seldom steal your dog

18. If you bring another dog home, your dog will

happily play with both of you.

19. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I

died would you get another dog?"

20. If you pretend to be blind, your dog can stay in

your hotel room for free.

21. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the

paper and give them away.

22. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it

without calling you a pervert.

23. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.

24. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad, they just think it's interesting.

25. On a car trip, you dog never insists on running the heater.

26. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.

27. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

28. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdales or Neiman-Marcus.

And, last but not least,

29. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

 

Dictionary for Dogs

LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person
where you want him/her to go.

DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room
or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this
properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to
the floor, or better yet, on their laps.

SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as
close as you can to the other dog s rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several
times until your person makes you stop.

GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your
ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with
your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred,
beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.

BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat.
To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark
loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into
the bushes, and you prance away.

DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person wants them in
and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then
running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain
amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the
danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and
following at their heels.

WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy
wrapper. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over
the house until your person comes home

SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run
up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.

BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and
themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.

LEAN: Every good dogs's response to the command "Sit !", especially if your
person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie
events.

BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh
cup of coffee or tea.

GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get
the attention you require.....especially effective when combined with The Sniff.
See above.

LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction.
The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a
human will love you in return.

 

 

 

The Top 20 Reasons Dogs Don't Use Computers

20. Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.
19. Fetch command not available on all platforms.
18. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
17. Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.
16. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."
15. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
14. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing
www.pethouse.com instead of working.
13. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.
12. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
11. Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.
10. Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.
9. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome
8. 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...
7. Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
6. SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
5 SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!
4. Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to maneuver.
3. Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.
2. Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.
1. TrO { gO DsA[r,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,. *
( * 1 Too Darn Hard To Type With Paws. )

 

 

 

The Truth about Canines

Dogs lie around all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.

They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.

They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.

They growl when they are not happy.

When you want to play they want to play.

When you want to be alone they want to play.

They are great at begging.

They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.

They leave their toys everywhere.

They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.

Conclusion: They're tiny men in little fur coats.

 

This is from the Canine University newsletter.
Why Own A DOG?

Why own a dog? There's danger you know You can't own just one, the craving will grow There's no doubt they're addictive, wherein lies the danger While living with lots, you'll grow poorer and stranger.

One dog is so funny, and two are no trouble The third one is easy, the fourth one's a honey
The fifth's delightful, the sixth one's a breeze, You find you can live with a house full with ease.

So how 'bout another? Would you really dare? They're really quite easy, but Lord, the hair.
With dogs on the sofa, and dogs on the bed, And crates in the kitchen, It's no bother, you've said, They're really no trouble, their manners are great,
What's just one more dog, and one more crate?

The sofa is hairy, the windows are crusty, The floor is all footprints, the furniture is dusty,The housekeeping suffers, but what do you care?
Who minds a few nose prints, and a little more hair?

So let's keep a puppy, you can always find room, And a little more time for the dust cloth and broom,There's hardly a limit to the dogs you can add, The thought of a cutback sure makes you sad.

Each one is so special, so useful, so funny, The vet, the food bills grow larger, you owe money, Your folks never visit, few friends come to stay,
Except other dog folks, who live the same way.

Your lawn has now died, and your shrubs are dead too, But your weekends are busy, you're off with your crew,
There's dog food and vitamins, and training and shots, And entries and motels which cost lots.
Is it worth it you wonder? Are you caught in a trap?

Then your favorite dog comes and climbs in your lap, His look says you're special, and you know that you will Keep all of the critters, in spite of the bill.

author unknown"



A JEWISH DOG

Sol visits Abe and sees a dog in the house.

"So what kind of dog is this?" asks Sol.

"It's a Jewish dog. His name is Irving," says Abe. "Watch this,"
continues Abe as he points to the dog. "Irving, Fetch!"

Irving walks slowly to the door, then turns around and says, "So why are you talking to me like that? You always order me around like I'm nothing.
And then you make me sleep on the floor, with my arthritis...You give me this fahkahkta food with all the salt and fat, and you tell me it's a special diet...It tastes like dreck! YOU should eat it yourself...And do you ever take me for a decent walk? NO, it's out of the house, a short piss, and right back home. Maybe if I could stretch out a little, the sciatica wouldn't kill me so much!"

Sol, amazed, tells Abe how remarkable this is, to which Abe answers, "I don't know, I think this dog has a hearing problem. I said fetch, and he thought I said kvetch....... .

 

Jewish Dog #2

 

A man walks into shul with a dog. The shammas comes up to him and says, "Pardon me, this is a House of Worship, you can't bring your dog in here."

"What do you mean," says the man, "this is a Jewish dog. Look."

And the shammas looks carefully and sees that in the same way that a St. Bernard carries a brandy barrel round its neck this dog has a tallis bag round its neck.

"Rover," says the man, "kipa!".

"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a kipa and puts it on his head

"Rover," says the man, "tallis!".

"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a tallis and puts it round his neck.

"Rover," says the man, "daven!".

"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a siddur and starts to daven.

"That's fantastic," says the shammas, "absolutely amazing, incredible! You should take him to Hollywood , get him on television, get him in the movies, he could make millions of dollars!!

"You speak to him," says the man, "he wants to be a doctor."

 

RULES FOR DOGS

1. Dogs are never permitted in the house. The dog stays outside in a specially built wooden compartment named, for very good reason, the "dog house."

2. Okay, the dog can enter the house, but only for short visits or if his own house is under renovation.

3. Okay, the dog can stay in the house on a permanent basis, provided his dog
house can be sold in a yard sale to a rookie dog owner.

4. Inside the house, the dog is not allowed to run free and is confined to a comfortable but secure metal cage.

5. Okay, the cage becomes part of a two for one deal along with the dog house in the yard sale, and the dog can go wherever the hell he pleases.

6. The dog is never allowed on the furniture.

7. Okay, the dog can get on the old furniture, but not the new furniture.

8. Okay, the dog can get up on the new furniture until it looks like the old furniture, and then we'll sell the whole damn works and buy new furniture - upon which the dog will most definitely not be allowed.

9. The dog never sleeps on the bed. Period.

10. Okay, the dog can sleep at the foot of the bed.

11. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you, but he's not allowed under the covers.

12. Okay, the dog can sleep under the covers, but not with his head on the pillow.

13. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you under the covers with his head on the pillow, but if he snores or farts, he's got to leave the room.

14. Okay, the dog can sleep and snore and fart and have nightmares in bed, but he's not to come in and sleep on the couch in the TV room, where I'm now sleeping. That's just not fair.

15. The dog never gets listed on the census questionnaire as "primary resident," even if it's true.

 

 

 

From: Gail, Mia & Diva: Pap Lists

I started writing this list shortly after we brought Mia home nearly five years ago and have been adding to it ever since. I have to admit
we have done 90% of these things....I'm sure many of you will think of more additions.

Symptoms of PAP FEVER:

*Joining Pap lists on the Internet.

*Searching the 'net' for Pap & butterfly 'anything'.

*Making sure your Pap eats better than you do.

*Purchase special kitchen equipment to make Pap food.

*Uncontrollable urge to adopt EVERY Pap you see.

*Talking about your Pap until your friends eyes glaze over.

*Rushing your Pap to the vet when you hear about a Pap specific medical problem.

* Having cardiac arrest when your Pap is behind a bush outside and you can't see them.

*Gets nervous when you have to leave your Pap home for more than an hour.

*An exciting evening is watching a movie with your Pap on your lap.

*Start organizing PapiPlay Days so your Pap will have some playmates.
(Now your friends know for sure you have "gone round the bend".)

*Pap kisses or a tongue in the ear puts a huge smile on your face and melts your heart.

*The "Potato Chip" syndrome hits you at least three times a year.

*Run for a tissue every time you read a sad Pap incident.

*Dials 911 emergency when your Pap 'looks' sorta funny.

*The Emergency Center will no longer answer calls from your phone number.

*Refuse to shop anywhere that won't allow your Pap inside.

*Leave parties early because your Pap is home alone.

*Hate taking any out of town trips if it means leaving your Pap at home.

*Purchase a new car/van to haul around all the necessary Pap paraphernalia.

*Truly believe that your Pap is NOT a canine.

*Wonder why people look at you funny when you carry on a perfectly intelligent conversation with your Pap.

*Sue for full custody of your Pap in a divorce and request Pap support.

*You go to every pet store within a hundred miles for that ONE special Pap present.

*Will order 'take out' food so you can stay home with your Pap.

*Your floor covering is called 'LaPapToys' and you have bruises to prove it.

*Search e-Bay periodically to see what new Pap stuff might be available.

*Re-modeling the house so your Pap is more comfortable.

*Buy a larger bed so you and your Pap have more room to sleep.

*Matching all new clothing to go with Pap hair.

*Spend more money on shampoo and conditioners for your Pap than you do for yourself.

*Buys new furniture to match color of your Pap(s).

*Totally oblivious to Pap fur all over everything including your eyelashes.

*Pap hair is considered natural roughage in your diet.

*Wonder where all your old friends went after you adopted your Pap.

*Make the friends you HAVE LEFT very nervous becuz your motto is 'Love me - love my Pap.

*All small children visitors must be muzzled or crated so they don't hurt the Pap(s).

*Attending the Papillon Nationals is the most exciting trip you can wish for.

*You need to take your computer mouse apart to unwind the Pap fur caught in it.

*You don't adjust your new adjustable bed becuz it scares the Paps.

*Your annual Super Bowl Sunday party becomes a mini PapiPlay Day with Paps stealing the show.

*Search the TV guide for any canine shows that just might have a Pap on it and notify every single person you know of the date, channel and
time.

*Change jobs so you work closer to home and take your lunch break to get some Pap cuddles and kisses.

*Keep trying to figure out how to make a living working at home to be with your Pap 24/7.

 

 

10 Things I LOVE about my Papillon
Danielle P.

1) Sweet good morning kisses when it's time to wake up and face the day. He always knows when it time, and never starts them too early.

2) Our little games of 'boxing' which usually end with me saying "I'm a lover, not a fighter.".. and MORE kisses of course.

3) I love when he lays on the floor, rolls over onto his back, and kicks his legs like a turtle stuck upside down on it's shell. It always
makes me laugh. I've learned that toys are always more fun when you lay on your back! ...

4) ...But the 'funniest' toy just HAS TO BE that wonderful paper cylinder that is stuck in the middle of the potty paper Mommy uses. Now that he's learned Mommy does NOT need help getting to that toy, he waits ever so patiently each time someone goes in that bathroom(s) to see if .THIS will be the time it comes off that holder. It's like winning the lotto every time!

5) The sound of my children's voices when they see him for the first time each morning. They too need their morning kisses to start the day, and he is always willing to oblige.

6) My whole family gets excited when we see Paps on TV or in ads, because we 'understand' how special Papillons really are, and we all appreciate the fact this gift has been shared with us.

7) He is irresistible to look at as he sits in the window, on the ledge next to my desk. He is peaceful and content to watch the birds,
squirrels, cars, and world go by. Watching him sit there is like a living snapshot of something simple and serene that I get to enjoy everyday.

8) Oh the antics we play... racing to Mommy's bed at night just before she gets in it. He always figures that since he beat me to "the spot" that he should get it for the night, right!? ...or... Climbing
into Mommy's lap to show her my "hurt paw" so she will hold me cradled like a little baby and coo and kiss me all over.

9) I love the look of gracefulness and speed as he walks and runs. He is truly beauty in motion, and I am in awe.

10) But mostly. I love that with every bit of love and affection I give to him, he always manages to out do me by giving ME back even more of himself.

Danielle P.
Houston, Texas

 

 

 

A Dog's Diary

5:30am: Started the day as a hero! When the sound of the newspaper hitting the driveway roused me from my deep slumber -- the impact indicating the paper was much heavier than normal -- I realized that no one in the house was yet awake! I roused my master by licking him in the face. He appeared very angry with himself for having overslept,
shouting and waving his arms. His ill temper even seemed directed at me a bit, which is silly since it is I who saved him from being fired.
Funny thing though: He didn't go into work, but spent the morning leafing through the large newspaper and drinking coffee. He seems to do
this once a week, and I don't know why.

7:30am: Invaders! The people who live next door came out into their yard, obviously getting ready to lay siege to our house. Snarling and barking, I let them know in no uncertain terms that I was prepared to tear them from limb to limb it they came any closer, and was able to repel the invasion. This is an almost daily occurrence; you'd think they'd learn. My master added his voice to the fray as well, yelling angrily. I am sure the people couldn't hear him, but it was nice of him
to lend his support.

10:00am: I was forced to move, as the patch of sun in which I was lying had, for some reason, slid over a few feet. It's not easy being a dog.

1:00pm: I have the most thoughtful master in the world! While it's true he left me alone in the house for several hours, he did set out a treat
for me on the kitchen counter. It was even gift-wrapped, a courtesy I wish he'd skipped, since it led to me having a lot of plastic in my
teeth. The roast was delicious, though frozen in the center. I don't want to seem ungrateful, but crunching through two inches of rock-hard
beef is hardly my idea of a delicacy.

2:00pm: Most unpleasant experience when my master returned home and was furious that I had not eaten the plastic wrap which had been covering my present. He kept pointing at the small pieces of Styrofoam and other debris and raving in a most irrational fashion. I'm sorry, but he
should know that I can't eat that stuff; it makes my stomach upset. When he began rolling up a newspaper I realized he'd lost all reason and
bolted for the front door, which was fortunately open just a crack.

4:00pm: Spent the afternoon with the girls. A most productive day; I was able to mark territory for two blocks. "Drip 'til you drop" is our motto. We had a small snack at an outdoor cafe we like, with meat
scraps and bread served out of circular containers with easily displaced lids. Ran into that rogue Sebastian, who lifted his leg with irritating
nonchalance -- does he think I don't know about his obsession with Muffy, that snotty schnauzer from down the road? Last month there
wasn't a male in the neighborhood who couldn't be found outside her fence, and Sebastian was at the head of the pack. I let him know I want nothing more to do with him.

5:00pm: What a treat! On the way home a flock of ravens drew my attention to a squirrel that had been flattened by an automobile. After several days in the sun, the aroma was so delicious it made my nose quiver. I rolled in the wondrous fragrance for several minutes, and when I stood up I positively radiated eau de roadkill. Let Sebastian
drool over Muffy -- he doesn't know what he's missing.

6:00pm: Of all the times to get a bath! My master, still in a foul mood, made me stand outside in the chill air while he shampooed and rinsed me several times. Every time I shook the water from my fur he, too, became drenched, and in the end he was shivering. Why in the world does he do stuff like this?

9:00pm: Time to sleep, though I am not allowed on the bed whenever anyone's home. Ah, the life of a dog.

 

 

More EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY

8:00 am - OH BOY!DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY!A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY!A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY!A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY!DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY!THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY!THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
1:30 pm - ooooooo.bath. bummer.
4:00 pm - OH BOY!THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 pm - OH BOY!DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 pm - OH BOY!MOM! MY FAVORITE!

 

CAT  DIARY:

Day 983 of my captivity.  

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and  dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike  fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable  of. However, they merely made  condescending comments about what a 'good  little hunter' I am.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was
placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could  hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was  due to the power of  'allergies.' I must learn what this means, and how to  use it to my  advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try  this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I  am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.

The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and
seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My
captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe..... for now...  

DOGS LETTERS TO GOD 

 Dear God,
More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God,
When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?

Dear God,
Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God,
Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog:
I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box; although they are tasty, they are not food.
The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
The sofa is not a face towel; neither are Mom's and Dad's laps.
The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration.
I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying 'hello.'
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
I will not throw up in the car.
I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.
I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over.
The cat is not a squeaky toy; so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

 

MORE DEAR GOD FROM THE DOG

Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it going to be the same old story?

Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named
for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the Chrysler
Beagle'?

Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God: When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?

Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog:

I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.

I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just
because I like the way they smell.

The sofa is not a face towel; neither are Mom and Dad's laps.

The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration.

I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.

I will not throw up in the car.

I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my rear end across the floor.

The cat is not a squeaky toy; so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

Dear God,
May I have my testicles back?

 

How to give a pill to a cat and a dog

CAT:

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holdinga baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's
mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As the cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head
firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and vigorously rub cat's throat.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make a note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood
from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of your last tetanus jab.
Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot.
Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13) Tie the little @#!*#^~!'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty Pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

DOG:

1) Wrap it in cheese.

 

One More Dog  

One Dog Is Not Trouble And Two Are So Funny
The Third One Is Easy, The Fourth One's A Honey

The Fifth Is Delightful, The Sixth One's A Breeze
You Find You Can Live With A Housefly With Ease

So How 'Bout Another?
Would You Really Dare?
They're Really Quite Easy
But Oh Lord, The Hair!

With Dogs On The Sofa And Dogs On The Bed
And Crates In The Kitchen, Its No Bother You Said

They're Really No Trouble, Their Manners Are Great
What's Just One More Dog And One More Little Crate?

The Sofa Is Hairy
The Windows Are Crusty
T he Floor Is All Footprints
The Furniture's Dusty

The Housekeeping Suffers But What Do You Care?
Who Minds A Few Noseprints And A Little More Hair?

So Let's Keep A Puppy, You Can Always Find Room
And A Little More Time For The Dust Cloth And Broom

There's Hardly A Limit To The Dogs You Can Add
The Thought Of A Cutback Sure Makes You Feel Sad

Each One Is Special, So Useful, So Funny
The Food Bill Grows Larger, You Owe The Vet Money

Your Folks Never Visit, Few Friends Come To Stay
Except Other Dog Folks Who Live The Same Way

Your Lawn Has Now Died And Our Shrubs Are Dead Too
Your Weekends Are Busy, Your Off With Your Crew

There's Dog Food And Vitamins, Training And Shots
And Entries And Travel And Motels Which Cost Lots

Is It Worth It You Wonder?
Are You Caught In A Trap?
Then That Favorite Comes Up And Climbs In Your Lap

His Look Says You're Special And You Know That You Will Keep All The Critters In Spite Of The Bill

Some Just For Showing And Some Just To Breed
And Some Just For Loving, They All Fill A Need

Winter Is A Hassle But The Dogs Love It True
And They Must Have Their Walks Tho' You Are Numb And  Blue
Late Evening Is Awful, You Scream And You Shout
At The Dogs On The Sofa Who Refuse To Go Out

The Dogs And The Dog Shows, The Travel, The Thrills

The Work And The Worry, The Pressure, The Bills

The Whole Thing Seems Worth It, The Dogs Are Your  Life
They're Charming And Funny And Offset The Strife

Your Lifestyle Has Changed, Things Just Won't Be The Same
Yes Those Dogs Are Addictive And So's The Dog Game!


The Official Dog Enthusiast's DON'T List