A friend of mine put it this way: "The re-entry is tough, isn't it?" She said that she felt like her newly adopted child was a creature from another planet adapting to life in an earth family. In my experience, however, I was the one who felt like the alien.

 

Back home from Russia with our 2 beautiful new children, I discovered that our previously calm and peaceful home environment had been swept away and replaced with chaos. I was blessed with a wonderful, patient husband and a supportive family, yet I couldn't cope with what was happening. I had read all the books, dozens of books - books on international adoption, older child adoption, effects of institutionalization, parenting difficult children. I was theoretically prepared for any behavioral outburst, alert to common parental pitfalls. I knew why my children were acting the way they were and I knew what I should say and do. I just didn't know how to get out of bed.

 

Post adoption depression is something that many people only feel comfortable talking about in the third person or after the fact. At the time, like any form of depression, it closes in on you with feelings of inadequacy and despair. I just wanted to escape - into sleep, into some mythical quiet place, away from the house, away from responsibility. Intellectually, I quickly figured out that I was depressed. But it took so much effort to make it through the day that even though I knew I needed help, I didn't have the energy to effectively obtain it.

 

Pre-adoption, I had always joked that having children wouldn't change our lives that much because we didn't have that much of a life. My husband and I didn't go out much, so it wasn't like our social life would be cramped. I already liked watching Disney movies and reading children's books. We were flexible and low-key. Enter 2 bright young children - 5 1/2 and 3 1/2 at the time of adoption - children who were as enthusiastic in their ups as in their downs, children who ran ALL DAY, children who spoke at the volume of a scream and all in fluent Russian. I felt like our house had been conquered by a rampaging horde. It seemed like we had adopted twenty, not two. Family who visited us in the first months invariably said, "Are they always this - this active?" I would force a smile. Yes, they are always like this. And 'active' doesn't even come close - try 'frenetic'.

 

The hardest thing for me to deal with was that it never went away. I had the perpetual feeling that there were rowdy guests in my house who just wouldn't leave. Late at night, after the children had finally succumbed to exhaustion, despite a brave battle against sleep, I would lie awake - and I could still hear them. Even in the quiet house, I still heard the sound of high-pitched Russian reverberating in my brain. I felt like I was losing my mind. I had been so desperate to become a mother, but now that I finally was, I just wanted to hide.

 

Post adoption depression, probably much like postpartum depression, is hard to face because it hits you just when you've finally gotten everything you wanted. Who can you possibly complain to? Your friends and family have already supported you through every harrowing step of the paperchase. They've listened patiently to your rollercoaster of pre-adoption emotions: will the fingerprints come through in time, why hasn't the doctor called me back on the medical, how can they push back my travel dates again, aren't they the most beautiful children you've ever seen! Now it's finally all over. You've conquered the paperwork, the travel, the court appearances, the final embassy hurdles. Happy Adoption Day! Congratulations pour in. Everyone wants to hear how happy you are. I should be so happy, I would think. The guilt was overpowering. This is exactly what I wanted. Why do I feel so bad?

 

So what can be done both to prepare yourself before the adoption and to help you cope after the adoption? I have a few suggestions:

 

1) It is true that intellectual preparation for adoption can only take you so far - all the books in the world will not prepare you for the overwhelming emotional upheaval of having your life rearranged. Nevertheless, intellectual preparation is a necessity. Before the adoption, READ all you can about adopting and parenting children of the age you will be adopting. Once I was immersed in day-to-day living with my new children, I simply didn't have the time or mental energy to read anything. I had to laugh when well-meaning people would refer me to books that supposedly contained the answers to whatever was my current dilemma  -  at the time I couldn't even participate in dinner conversations with my husband because my mind would not focus long enough to follow a train of thought! Thankfully I had read so much before the adoption that I still retained some of what I had learned and could draw upon it as relevant situations arose.

 

2) Pre-adoption, do everything you can to prepare your life post adoption. Stock up on necessities like toilet paper, shampoo, shaving cream. MAKE LISTS. One of the best things I did before we returned to Russia to get the kids was to post a list on the fridge of what I envisioned our daily schedule with the children to be. When I returned, my mom helped me prepare a "what to feed the children at each meal" list that also got posted on the fridge. I cannot count the number of times that I stood in the kitchen, completely lost as to what I was supposed to be doing. At least I could refer to the list: ok, the clock says it's noon. The schedule says that noon is lunch time. The feeding list says that I should prepare yoghurt, half a sandwich, and either an apple or a banana.

 

3) When you come home, have someone MEET YOU at the airport. I know that too many people and too much excitement can be overwhelming to the children, but trust me on this one. Tell them to leave the balloons and teddy bears at home - but tell them to come! Both my husband and I got quite sick with exhaustion and the flu on our second trip. The night before we left Moscow it took us 4 hours to get the children to go to sleep - and we had to get up at 4am to get to the airport at 7am. We had a 5 hour layover in Frankfurt followed by a delayed flight back to DC. When we finally arrived at Dulles, cleared customs, got our luggage, and walked through that gate - I literally cried to see my parents waiting for us. I can't imagine having had to drive home by ourselves at that point. And when we got home - what joy to have a clean house already stocked with food!

 

4) Once you have your children, don't be afraid to ASK FOR HELP. Our original plan was that I would stay home with the children for 12 weeks FMLA leave and then my parents would live with us for the last 2 months before my husband graduated from law school (and stayed home full time with the children). Once we were actually home, it quickly became apparent that 'no plan survives contact with children'. I was simply not able to take care of the children at home by myself and hold onto what sanity I had left. We made some phone calls and remarkably were able to arrange for my mother-in-law to come up and stay with us during my FMLA leave. It was a challenging period, especially because my mother-in-law was not willing to let me just 'get by', but I survived and learned a lot in the process. I learned how to take the children with me when I went grocery shopping and how to handle a temper tantrum in a restaurant. I could not have survived FMLA leave without her.

 

5) Throughout everything, remember to COMMUNICATE with your spouse. The stress and upheaval can be so overwhelming that it's easy to let your negative emotions gush out at the one person who shares joint responsibility for getting you into this mess! But your spouse is also the one person who is equally invested in creating a successful and happy family environment. Laugh together. Complain together. Take turns watching the kids so that one of you can get out and enjoy some quiet. And take advantage of opportunities to have someone else watch the kids for a few hours so that the two of you can get out together.

 

6) REACH OUT! No matter how bad you feel, no matter how bad things are going, there are other people out there that have experienced the same and can offer sympathy and support. In my case, I felt constrained by how well things were going - my kids didn't seem to have any serious problems, so how could I complain or ask for help when so many other people were coping with worse situations? That was just foolish. If you're having problems coping, then it doesn't matter how bad or good your situation is relative to someone else's. Having someone else to listen to your rants, whether by phone or email, can be invaluable. And I must say, nothing brightened my day like posting my daily struggle and hearing back from someone who had survived the same thing - and worse!