© Port Whitman Times 2005
LAWYER: (On the phone) ...Yes, Chief, I see, but you do have it down to a "by incident" cost as I understand it from the statistics released in the newspaper. Correct? So, we see it costs you so much per, ah, crime to dispatch a patrol car, expose the officers to the danger they might face, then, hopefully, capturing the perp, doing the paperwork, incarcerating him, feeding him, maybe even a suicide watch, and then going on to prosecute and imprison him or her for a specified sentence. Well, I'm proposing to save you all that trouble, Chief, and for a very reasonable fee.
I represent a person, might be male, female, that's not important, let's call this person a potential perpetrator, who, with the proper incentive, might just be dissuaded from causing you all that trouble by just saying no to the inclination to do a certain as yet unspecified crime. Result: your officers can then attend to more immediate matters, and the folks at the target institution, let's say a bank, won't have to go through the trauma of a crime episode, and the attendant dangers that crime might represent to not only life and limb, but the institution's financial resources. Just think, a liquor store, might have its cash register emptied, its cashier put in mortal danger, its owners deprived of their Christmas money, etc., or, say it's Black Friday, a business might just be prevented from achieving its annual goal of solvency, might have to close. Moreover, innocent people might be hurt or put out of work, Chief. Could you have that on your conscience?
But of course you're not concerned with what the business owner might suffer, understandably you only want to deal with crime itself, and I'm here to help you do that - by making sure a certain crime never happens. Then your department and your officers are spared the inconvenience of even having to answer the call, draw their weapons, expose themselves to danger, and for what? So some petty felon can buy more jewelry and a bigger car? Speaking of which, think of the money you'll save on vehicle expense by not having to indulge in a long chase after the incident, which, by the way, might be covered by helicopter on TV, exposing your department to embarassment if the chase doesn't catch the perp, or, God forbid, if innocent people are hurt.
My fee? Not to worry, chief, it comes out of the proceeds of the case paid by the municipality to my client, my commission for my time spent. And even if there are no proceeds, my charge to my client is on an hourly basis, no cost to the city or the police department over and above the initial imbursement. To cover it, you can just take the money out of your petty cash account, justifying it by the bald fact that you have prevented a crime, thus giving you a positive bump in your statistics. In fact, maybe we can make this a regular thing if it works out. We, you and I in partnership, prevent crimes, your stats go down, the city is safer, and we provide a better way of making a living for the many perpetrators who might otherwise be out on the street committing felonies, harming innocent people, and ending up in the criminal justice system costing society at large upwards of $40,000 per year. This could be a very big thing for the city, and for your career, Chief. A lot cheaper than dealing with crimes and criminals after the fact. Think about that.
It's a win-win bargain, Chief, talk it over with your staff, and I'll call you back in an hour so we can set up the amount and terms of payment. How much? Of course it depends on the potential crime, but we can discuss that once you've made your decision. Of course we take MasterCard, Amex, even PayPal if you're on eBay. Cash is better of course.
Henry Francisco