Bulletin Board

How the fight started...

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't  been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife. 'Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'

And that's when the fight started.....

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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to
verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home
and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That
silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my
Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too'......

And that's how the fight started.....

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One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift.

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the

gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

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My wife walked into the den & asked "What's on the TV?"

I replied "Dust".

And that's how the fight started.....

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A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not
happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look  old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And that's how the fight started.....

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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3
seconds. ' I bought her a scale.

And that's how the fight started.....

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I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.

So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

And that's when the fight started....

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My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were
in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes..'

So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's when the fight started....

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When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace  expensive. So, I took her to a gas station.

And that's when the fight started.....

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I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that's when the fight started.....

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I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road

and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things
just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it. He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT
HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And that's when the fight started.....

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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's when the fight started.....

Three men were sitting together, bragging about how they had been giving
their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from Indiana, and bragged that he had
told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that
needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple of days, but
on the third day he came home to see a clean house and the dishes were
all washed and put aw ay.

The second man had married a woman from Utah . He bragged that he had
given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and
the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results,
but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean,
the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Rhode Island girl. He said that he told her that
her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed,
laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal... and besides
that, she should be willing and able to perform well each night in bed.
He said the first day he didn't see anything. The second day he didn't
see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down
and he could see a little out of his left eye, just enough to fix
himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and start the lawn mower.

Gotta love those Rhode Island girls.

A woman is in a grocery store and happens upon a grandpa and his poorly behaving 3 year-old grandson at every turn.? It's obvious

Gramps has his hands full with the kid screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle, same for fruit, cereal and soda.? Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, 'Easy, Albert, we won't be long -- easy, boy.'

Another outburst, and she hears Gramps calmly say, 'It's okay, Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be outta here -- hang in there.'

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Gramps again in a controlled voice is saying, 'Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don't get upset.? We'll be home in five minutes; stay
cool, Albert.'

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where Gramps is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.? 'You know, sir, it's none of my business, but you were amazing in there.? I don't know how you did
it.? That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay.? Albert is very lucky to have you for his grandpa.'
'Thanks, lady,' said Gramps, 'But I'm Albert - the little shit's name is Johnny.'

TEN BEST CADDY REPLIES

#10 Golfer: "I think I am going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

#9 Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

#8 Golfer: "Do you think that my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

#7 Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually!"

#6 Golfer: "You got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

#5 Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time."
Caddy: "It's not a watch, it is a compass."

#4 Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally I prefer golf."

#3 Golfer: "Do you think it is a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it is a sin on any day."

#2 Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

AND THE #1 BEST CADDY COMMENT ...

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it is too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off...