About Me

Been a New England Patriots fan since I was a kid, and followed Drew Bledsoe since he was drafted from Washington. Just heard the Cowboys released him and am praying he does not retire, he is too talented. He deserves to be in the Football Hall of Fame.

March 2004-I was approved for Social Security disability. I was denied with the initial application and had to wait over a year for a hearing. When I recieved the letter saying the decision was fully favorable, I had very mixed emotions. Of course not being able to work I could use the money, but then I cried realizing just how much I have lost.
Its very hard to explain, even living with these symptoms daily and feeling so crappy everyday, reading everything about me that doctors had written made it really sink in.

Because my last job was only part time, and my lifetime work so limited, my social security payments are under $300 a month, and then out of that they take $66 montly for medicare and then there is the hundred dollar a year deductible and then I must pay 20% of all doctor bills, so it dosent' leave too much.

For many years I've had problems with off balanceness, leg weakness, numbness. I have many symptoms of MS. Because of having no insurance to have needed tests done the neurologist tried to give me Paxil and say all the symptoms are anxiety related. Leaving his office in tears because again knowing something is wrong, and its not in my head like I've been made to believe, I wanted to end my life.
I finally had MRI's done which did show some lesions, but the neuro still said no MS. Well now due to urinary frequency I just found out I'm retaining urine, which is possibly a neurogenic bladder. So I'll see the neuro and say how many more symptoms until you help me?

I do go for counseling twice a month and have been on Xanax for anxiety for 12 years. I am very sensitive to medications and have refused anti depressants because of this. The xanax has worked for me, within a month of being on it I was no longer going to the ER every few weeks, thinking it was a heart attack. I didn't know at the time just how addictive Xanax is, but I'm sure any medication is addictive physically or psychologically.

What is so very frustrating to me is the treatment or lack of by doctors. Once they know you have anxiety, and if they don't know what is wrong, they have the anxiety to fall back on. I'm sure there are competant and caring doctors out there, just I haven't gotten the care I need, maybe it's just my bad luck?

I hope someday to feel better. I know that once my physical problems are diagnosed and treated, some of my anxiety and depression will ease. As you know the two go together. If your physically ill of course your going to feel down.

If you have anxiety or depression there is help. Find a good psychiatrist or psychologist who specializes in these disorders. And medications do help many. My Mom has been on Paxil for a while and it has helped her. She gets out more, is more social and does seem happier. I know she is not cured, and life is still not easy for her at times, but she's getting out more than she used to.

As with any medication it's a good idea to discuss the pro's and con's with your doctor. Many side effects are short lived. When I started taking xanax I was tired for a few weeks but then felt more alert and it did ease many of my symptoms. If your like me you'll check out any med your given on the internet or speak to your phamacist which is always a good idea.

Someday I would love to be able to work again, drive to the mall and have fun shopping, visit people especially relatives who I hardly ever see. .

July 2004-I wrote the above sentence a while ago, and I will say there have been some good days. I was able to go to my youngest son's middle school graduation. And just his past Sunday had a family picnic, I kept busy serving the burgers, but all the while just so very tired. I walked to the bathroom at the park thinking please don't let me walk into a tree infront of all my family that was there.

I know this is silly because they would understand. At home I'm always walking into stuff on the right side, and have lots of black and blue marks. My kids seem to be used to it saying things like"Not again Mom"!!! I laugh it off in front of them, but I wonder how they are really feeling when this happens.