Dude, Where’s My Jock?

By Dickie Dunn

During any other week I would write about the weekly contest between White and Black.  But this week I will change gears and write about something that occurred off the ice.  We’ve all heard of the popular kid’s game, “Where’s Waldo.” You may even have participated in a friendly Thanksgiving turkey hunt or two, but let me tell you something, you haven’t lived until you take part in an FNH “where’s my jock hunt.” 

A delightful little game reminiscent of such silver screen classics like “Dude, Where’s My Car.”  While it may have been delightfully entertaining to watch Duke tear his bag apart like a Narc looking for the big score, or maybe the funniest was when he decided to call home and ask his wife “have you seen my jock?” Oh boy, let the good times roll.

Let’s break it down.  With a loud “uh oh” or was it “$h!t”, the jock went missing.  Not knowing where to start, Duke had to sift through mountains of socks, shirts, and assorted hockey gear - but no jock could be had.    

With the clock ticking and only half-dressed, he expanded his search by calling home only to be told “no jock here”.  Of course the guys in the locker room, being the sweet types that they are, offered up many suggestions such as “stuff a sock in your underwear” or “hey, I have an extra dirty jock you can use.” But my personnel favorite, “look, I found a thimble, do you want use this!?”  Oh boy, what would we do without friends?

Just when it’s time to get on the ice, all players dressed…except Duke…the jock magically appears - or should I say Randy puts it back in Duke’s bag.  Ahhh, fun was had by all. But as the conspiracy theories mount, the main questions arises - why was Randy behind the “Great Jock Heist” of 2009? 

Was Randy being paid off by the Black squad in a feeble attempt to keep the White team’s play maker off the ice?  Did Randy recognize that the jock was purchased from Sports Authority and felt an immediate kinship to it, as if he needed to return it back to his place of employment?  Or was the reason even darker than any other possibility.  Does Randy have a jock strap fetish?  He may have been drawn to the visually pleasing black and gold color combination or the sweet odor of the newly washed “nut cup.” The smell of Tide and Bounce can attract the oddest of sorts.

Thankfully, the jock strap was recovered in time.  We were able to avoid it being worn by a crazy man dancing in the moonlight of the O’Brien parking lot while high on life.  Duke finished getting dressed and helped White tie the Black team and snap a three game losing streak. 

If this writer had to give any advice concerning this near catastrophic event, he would say to the players “Lock and key boys, lock and key. Never let your jocks out of your sight.”

Oh, did I mention the game ended in a tie?  GO WHITE!