More Aphorisms

JESUS GETS ROASTED

To know one is hated can slowly kill the spirit.

God doesn't seem to care about our feelings. Should we care about his?

If my only deliverance from a miserable life is death, I suppose I should be happy about that.

Since the Catholics hate their Satan so deeply, it is small wonder he never gets better.

When people watch your every step with malice in their hearts, small wonder every mistake is magnified.

The man who can stand up against the tide of the masses will live forever. But he may have no comfort or enjoyment.

What is better? Being a woman of integrity alone, or a woman who has been bought, in the society of others? Do you really want to be a prostitute?

"They watch me on hidden cameras while I am naked," said Sister Mary Victoria. "What are you going to do about it?" "I was naked during the crucifiixion, so don't expect any better treatment if you are my follower," said Jesus.

"If that is the only answer you will give me, I am no longer your follower," said Sister Mary Victoria. "I couldn't care less. Next!" said Jesus.

"Sometimes I think the saints are fools," said Jesus, snickering. "They think they can win my favor by being good, when I went to parties and feasts and, now I am telling you, for a Nazorean, I am a fat man! And no, I am not handsome."

"I know you are a man and you grow in wisdom," said Sister Mary Victoria. "And I know that you get angry sometimes - but outward appearances mean nothing to me, Jesus, and to be fat and not handsome is all relative."

Look God straight in the eye and tell me you think he is good - and I'll call you blind to the facts, because you cannot even see his eyes.

"Satan? He is just a figurehead. Most of the evil in the world came from men," said the Blessed Virgin Mary. "Satan is a loser in the grand scheme of things - his church will probably fold within twenty years."

"Abortion will go on till the end of time," said the Blessed Virgin Mary. "Virginity will become so unimportant that my status will be seen as odd and eccentric. People will call me blessed but wonder why."

"Jesus was filled with rage during a lot of his ministry," said the rabbi at Nazareth. "He yelled at people left and right, cursed whole towns, attacked the people in the marketplace - he changed from the humble, sweet person he was in the beginning."

What with Jesus' easily aroused indignation in the Bible, one knows he could have created a thunderstorm.

Who was worse than Jesus? The Father. He planned every last wound on Jesus' body. A sick relationship.

The Bible is filled with hatred, vengeance and rage if you know where to look - practically everywhere.

Jesus had sympathetic faces at his crucifixion; at mine, there is no one and nothing for me. Who suffers more? Mine has been going on for months...

The Via Dolorosa was a short jog; when I go down Bellevue Avenue, I get outrages left and right, every darned day of my life.

When people are continually expecting you to turn into a criminal, the only peace you get is when you die.

People may have short attention spans, but when they hate someone or something enough, they can wait practically forever.

If your enemies cannot make you hate them, they cannot kill your spirit.

If the pitch of your enemies' hatred only mounts with time, know that sooner or later it must abate.

Just when you think you are not wanted and are totally lost, along comes a sympathetic soul.

When people eagerly want you to leave your own home because of their own selfishness, brace yourself for the ride of your life.

Some people will wait forever for something bad to happen to you.

People can pray for your misfortune, too. And God listens to them, too.

God? Why should he care about us when we are so small?

Have you ever been faced with a relentless wind? That is God, too.

Have you ever been left outside in the cold? That is God, too.

Have you ever been burned to death slowly? That is God, too.

Have you ever been to Hell? Yes, my children, that is God, too.

God doesn't feel he has to make bad things stop. Why should he?

God probably gets a good belly laugh out of our misfortune. Maybe that is why he created us -

Lift them up, throw them down! Lift them up, throw them down! That is what God the Father does. And then comes death...

If you have anything good, it probably came from a man or woman. God made raw vegetables very hard to digest. We tamed fire.

God neither gives nor takes away. He is beyond all that.

What is God's concern? Galaxies and universes, because everything else is totally insignificant.

Maybe there are even larger things than Universes; and in that case, we see why we just don't matter to God at all.

A sad creature, man. Lives in desperation, dies in agony, never to return.

Men create most of what they experience. Unless they can see something of reality...

How much do you know of reality? Do you really think men will be around forever?

Mankind is a good idea, maybe; but what is the point?

Mankind is most likely a freak of nature. We haven't been around that long...

All that is good for man was discovered by man.

Jesus had a great idea, that he was God simply because he was unusual - but wouldn't it be nice if it were true?

Jesus didn't change anything but the afterlife, really. There have been saints who have done almost as many miracles. Look at Father Solanus Casey...

Jesus didn't change anything but the afterlife, really. Why is sin still here?

Jesus didn't change anything that can be proven or was proven by scientific investigation.

Science is the operation closest to reality. And even science is just a set of paradigms.

The afterlife? Just an excuse for God to treat us badly on Earth.

Why shouldn't I be an atheist? When did Jesus come to me?

Do you really expect me to kneel down to a piece of bread? Aren't you being ridiculous? Why would God be bread? Why not a lollipop? It would last longer...

God has been on vacation since the day he rested after creating the world. What in the hell has he really done for us since?

Just by doing something other than God's will, we are exiled? Who wants to be in someone else's straitjacket, even if he is God?

Does God work by fear alone? Probably most of them. Could you really love someone who killed everyone dear to you unless you were motivated by fear? Or totally blind?

Loving God is more difficult than loving people. Think of all the bad things that were out of the control of people that happened in your life. That was God's doing...

If God is essentially neutral about us, why shouldn't we be neutral about him?

Everything ends in death, but immortality might be worse...

If you can't sleep in Heaven, I don't want to go...

Wouldn't you get weary of even Heaven after awhile? All that praise and thanksgiving -

When you appreciate suffering as well as happiness, you are free.

I don't care what God says, I have done a lot of good outside of his guidance...and so have you, probably. He can't take all the credit.

I have been remarkably nice to God so far. But has he been nice to me?

People built the building I live in. People discovered the medicine I thrive on. People gathered food for me. God? I don't think he really gives a shit...

Perhaps it was just by accident we discovered the "all good gifts" of the Lord. After all, we had to eat something...

We just got used to what we eat, and that is why it is good, not because of God's generosity in putting it there.

Why would you think God loves you? You stink, even after you wash yourself. Just ask any dog.

Why should you be grateful to a God who rains on the just and the unjust?

Rich people are grateful to God with reason. Is anyone else?

God wasn't even nice to his favorite, Abel. He just let him die at his brother's hands. If a violent death is how he rewards his friends, why try to find a friend in the Lord?

The closer your life gets to Jesus the more you suffer. And so, the martyrs...

If you don't mind putting off real happiness, follow Jesus.

Jesus said that he who lived by the sword, would die by the sword. Maybe he was still alive when that lance hit his side...he came to bring the sword.

"I am on to every trick of yours, Jesus," said Sister Mary Victoria. "Do you think I cannot see through my own mate? What kind of a spouse would I be?"

The Pharisees weren't really afraid of Jesus, no matter how he yelled at them; in some ways, they were just disgusted.

The only way the Pharisees would believe that Jesus was the Son of the Living God was if he could overcome death. And Jesus was, in many ways, in their eyes, a good candidate...

Yes, Jesus did destroy property, assault people, start a riot, despoil people of their money and commit treason - yes, he was guilty enough to be crucified.

Did Jesus commit sin? Well, maybe so - but if anyone could get away with it, it would have to be God himself.

There were reasons why the Pharisees called Jesus a sinner. Read your Bible -

Perhaps the Devil, who is the accuser of Jesus, was justified in opposing Christ. All the Devil could do against men, since he is incorporeal, is persuade them into sin.

Jesus still cannot be altogether in Heaven; one foot he must use to hold down Hell.

Perhaps there is something wise about not associating with whores and tax collectors - sin, like sanctity, is contagious...

Why do hermits and anchorites stay to themselves? Because the company of men all too often leads to sin.

Why am I an anchorite? Because I would be the worst of sinners were I around people all the time.

It is best to mind your own business. You might otherwise find yourself incriminating yourself - how in the hell does she know that much? Is she using illegal means?

What do I matter to you? What do I matter to you?

Stay out of my life -

Don't go into great detail when trying to incriminate someone, or you might be suspected.

Most people, even eccentric ones, are harmless. So don't try to put them behind bars, because you might fall into your own snare.

"Why are you writing all these things?" asked the curiosity seeker. "I'm just criticizing my husband, that's all," said Sister Mary Victoria.

"Taoism? What in the hell is that for?" asked someone. "I just wanted some fresh air," said Sister Mary Victoria.

"They are going to let you get by, writing all this, because it is all true," said someone. "As Billy Joel said, 'Honesty is such a lonely word'," said Sister Mary Victoria.

"Now that I read it again," said Sister Mary Victoria, "I am not as much impressed by the 'Tao te Ching'. Its very obscurity is its most salient trait."

Say something, and say it quickly, because you might die today...great power lies in words.

Written words are all women religious can muster in a church with all male clergy.

"Why do you make my life so hard, Jesus?" asked Sister Mary Victoria, with some anger. "Because you can take it," said Jesus bluntly.

"You think your life is hard," said Jesus. "Try marching all over the rocky, stony paths of Judea in sandals with the sun blazing or the hoarfrost clinging for a lifetime: a comedown from being the Lord of Heaven and Earth. Oh, my aching feet!"

"Much of your criticism is justified," said Jesus, "and I could see why someone would feel that way. Don't delete them at all, but let me make it all up to you - even if only in Heaven."

God is omniscient; he can understand why any of us feels any particular way at all.

Heaven and Earth have nothing in common but people, holy angels and God.

Even God can see why I don't hate even Satan, because he can see all, he is God.

Even holy priests relieve themselves of the paraphenalia of their station in life at times.

Perhaps a part of me is still shaking her fist at the Heavens for the plight of her miserable and woebegotten children. What gall in a Sister!

"Well - I lost weight and I am finally sober," said Jesus. "And I decided that Salome is simply not smart enough - are you woman enough to be my lady?" "I thought there was something weird about the way you were acting - but I understand since I smoke," said Sister. "I'll stay."

"Can't you get rid of those bitches that hang around here?" asked Sister Mary Victoria. "For now, they are a part of the package. I want to see how much nonsense you can put up with," said Jesus, throwing away that last bottle of Jack Daniels.

"I'll clean up my act if the church scene improves," said Sister Mary Victoria. "Once it does, I'll never curse again." "I did - and I still do, in Hebrew," laughed Jesus. "They will soon see that eternal things are far better than a little piece of ass."

"Do you want me to be a muscle man or a long, lean type?" asked Jesus. "I'll just snap my fingers and be transformed." "Long and lean suits you better," said Sister Mary Victoria. "We'll both do yoga."

"Daoism is refreshing after Angela de Foligno and all her childish complaints," said Jesus. "But get back to prayer and listen to that radio station, 1260 AM on the dial. Try not to smoke during mass, Sister."

"This is great! Soon you will be able to write 'The Tao of Jesus' in a way never seen before, Sister Mary Victoria!" laughed Jesus. "All in short, clipped aphorisms, the form of writing no one gets too bored with!"

"I liked you back in the days of Moses, too," said Sister Mary Victoria. "The finger of God - that was absolutely fantastic!" "Yeah, I poured on the smaltz for the Hebrew slaves!" said Jesus. "I am comparatively boring now - that has to change!"

"I knew I had to be something ordinary, like bread, before any human being would approach me," said Jesus. "But just wait till the Second Coming - and all flesh shall see it together! Whoa!"

"Poor Mary and Joseph - when I was born, they didn't really know just what I'd look like," said Jesus. "They were relieved that I looked like an ordinary baby!"

"They keep saying I'll go 'back' to witchcraft," said Sister Mary Victoria. "The worst thing about them is that they are boring!" "Ain't it the truth! It is enough to make one want to do it!" said Jesus. "Maybe I will...and leave all those Christians alone!"

"Christians, like pagans, thrive on repetition, so don't be like them in that respect!" said Jesus. "Make up your own prayers sometimes! Oh, the rosary bores me so! Mary too! That is why her statues cry!"

"The fact that repetitions drive me crazy is why new devotions keep coming along all the time," said Jesus. "There is nothing wrong with an unfolding tradition! No prayer inspired by the Holy Spirit is manmade!"

"Is the roasting done for now?" asked Jesus, looking pointedly at Sister Mary Victoria. "Why not? As Clairie in 'Steel Magnolias' said, 'You know I love you more than my luggage!' " laughed Sister Mary Victoria. "I take it all day long, so I know!"

"Monsignor Ronan yells at you and you yell back!" said Jesus laughing hysterically. "But he is always right!" sighed Sister Mary Victoria. "And he always fishes me out of the murky waters of misery! That is why he is a fisher of me!"

"I am glad you are looking into Judaism," said Jesus. "You will really know all about me!" "I always went to synagogue when I could. The rabbi said I could have been a rabbi, I was so good at interpreting Scripture," said Sister Mary Victoria. "After Rome, it's home!"