Sherds from a jar of clay

Today on the radio they were discussing some new book about long distance relationships, they meant romantic relationships. The long distance relationships I need a book on are those between the aging parent and their far flung children. My dad (81, obese etc.) is currently hospitalized for the second time in 2.5 years with breathing and other health problems. My mom is diabetic and has memory and confusion problems and needs help, especially without him there. They live in Minnesota. My in-laws live in Arizona, this fall my father in law had gall bladder surgery, he too has some cognition difficulties and my mother in law who is doing well now is a two time cancer survivor. This Christmas my sister's husband had a heart attack at 41 and almost died, he has only just come home from rehab.

All this background is basically to say that in this fallen world where adult children very often live far from their parents and/or siblings how do you handle the needs of aging parents and other family difficulties when you are so far away and have your own family and commitments there. How do you "honor your father and mother" in this kind of circumstance in a fallen world?

I don't have all the answers by far and I'm sure I will make some less then perfect choices along the way but here is some of what I have gleaned even as I battle doubt, tears and stress this week.

- my sister reminded me that We have to have faith in God and his plan, since if we knew it wouldn't be called faith it would be called knowing. (where would the growth and refining be in that?)

-In my Tuesday bible study we came to Proverbs 27:10 "Do not forsake your friend and the friend of your father, and do not go to your brother's house when disaster strikes you-better a neighbor nearby than a brother far away. (This verse really hit me as a word from the Lord that it is ok to let all the friends and church members how are asking to help, do for my mom what I can't do right now and for me to stay here with my family. That this is not an unbiblical shirking of responsibility but a blessing and provision of the Lord through the people to whom my dad has ministered all his life).

-The words of the Hymn "Abide With Me" have become my prayer for my parents or myself when ever I start worry about how they are doing or that they might be feeling alone or scared or unsure in their current condition. A great reminder of God's character and presence.

I need Thy presence every passing hour.
What but Thy grace can foil the tempter’s power?
Who, like Thyself, my guide and stay can be?
Through cloud and sunshine, Lord, abide with me.


-After the first time my dad was hospitalized I asked one of the associate pastors at my church
if he had any advise/resources on this topic. He had the following suggestions of things to work on consider which I have found helpful in trying to work this issue out.
" let me give you some categories in which to think and pray through the
situation.

What is their spiritual care and how is it being met?
Hopefully there is someone who you can entrust with this care for them.

What are their physical needs and what options are there available?
Is there a fear of dying or going to a hospital? Alone? Is home health
care an option? Etc.

Are you spiritual honoring & blessing of them?
This is where we respect them as our parents without having them deter us
from the responsibilities we have to those with whom we have made vows (ie
Jesus Christ, spouse and children).

Have you taken the time to bless them? There is a great book by Dennis
Rainey called "The Tribute and the Blessing" in which he encourages people
to write a tribute to their parents, enumerating the many wonderful ways
their parents have been a blessing to them -- how God has used them -- and
how now, you, as their child grown up, can appreciate all of it and indeed
give thanks to God for their diligence in preparing you for life,
responsibilities and worship of your Heavenly Father.

Are you effectively communicating with them your love and care?
This is a bit tricky because of their expectations (are they realistic?)
what you might be able to communicate. Take time to think this through,
but realize this is a major role you play in their lives now. Most parents
have been "around the block" and know you are at a distance: However, they
also rightfully should expect loving communications from their children and
grandchildren.

Are you try to eking out their blessing and legacy?
Wittingly or unwittingly we all crave and need our parents' blessing -- to
know we are a delight to them. Some parents are incapable of giving this
(because of death or emotional make-up). You cannot demand it, but live as
though you have it because your Heavenly Father has already showered you
with his blessing: From this position of satisfaction and strength, minister
to your parents. Along with this, ask them about the legacy they want to
leave...not so much for you as your children. Are their memories recorded?
(I can tell you of some resources for this aspect.) Will they write a card
of their blessings for your children? These are the things which will be
more important than a headstone!

Hope this stimulates your thoughts."

-I am also learning (again) that one needs to accept what God gives to you and trust him and his promise to give you the resources/strength you need to get through it as you lean on him. For me this has meant not being jealous of my sister-in-law who just spent 6 weeks or so with her mom living at her house while recovering from an injury. I know some of it was hard for them but I was so jealous that her mom was close enough for her to do that, I really had to take it to the Lord.

Well as part of this all I am low on sleep this week so off to bed. I hope some of this makes sense and is helpful. I welcome any comments, further resources and your prayers for my parents.